How do you rekindle the passion in a marriage?
This topic was created in the Relationships forum by shootingsag on Thursday, December 27, 2007 and has 12 replies.
There is no external issue in my marriage, except that there is just no more passion or excitement left in it. Its only been two years since we took the plunge, but good lord, we (atleast I do) feel like we've grown into this complacent old couple. We wake up in the morning, go to work, come back home, sit at our computers and then go to bed. Its not like I haven't tried talking this through, and my husband listens everytime like he's about to make some drastic changes the very next minute but it never happens. The trouble is, he doesn't see this as an issue! We haven't had sex in like 6-7 months. Has anyone else faced this or does this really sound bad? Any advice/ suggestion would be appreciated. He's a cancer btw and I'm a sag. I know for sure he isn't cheating. Please do share some ideas/tips through your own experiences to salvage this relationship. Thanks in advance.
"Its not like I haven't tried talking this through, and my husband listens everytime like he's about to make some drastic changes the very next minute but it never happens. The trouble is, he doesn't see this as an issue!"
I know exactly what you're saying ... mine doesn't see it as an issue, neither, so I can talk to him until I'm blue in the face, but, he doesn't hear me.
I know exactly what you're saying ... mine doesn't see it as an issue, neither, so I can talk to him until I'm blue in the face, but, he doesn't hear me.
I don't know, SG .. in theory, it sounds good but nobody wants to hear that they can easily be replaced, for it tells them that they aren't special and important enough to work through the problem.
Certainly, his attention needs to be gained, but, making him feel replacable seems kind of cruel .. especially to a crab. That's almost like a death.
Maybe trying to surprise him with adventures to do things together. If by talking to him, he still just wants to sit around and not do anything, then be the planner .. the action girl and make dates to go do stuff. Of course, I say this, while living through the exact same thing .. so, it's easier said than done.
Certainly, his attention needs to be gained, but, making him feel replacable seems kind of cruel .. especially to a crab. That's almost like a death.
Maybe trying to surprise him with adventures to do things together. If by talking to him, he still just wants to sit around and not do anything, then be the planner .. the action girl and make dates to go do stuff. Of course, I say this, while living through the exact same thing .. so, it's easier said than done.
""We haven't had sex in like 6-7 months.""
oh god. is he disabled?
oh god. is he disabled?
"start to have your own life outside of marriage and move to another room."
I try having my own set of friends and meet up whenever possible. He gets along fine with everyone of my pals and they can't stop going on about what a perfect husband I'm blessed with!
"what seems to work for me and some sags that I know is to take a Break (alone)... few months away from routine and day-to-day monotony. "
I recently took an assignment abroad for 2 months hoping that we would finally end up missing each other after all. Apparently not. Probably it was the workload, but I didn't seem to miss him at all. Dunno about him as nothing seems to have changed for him either.
"Elemental incompaability (like water and fire) after initial mystery and attraction leads to a 'glass wall phenomenon', you can see beyond but cant go beyond." You couldn't have put this in a better way Archer. The first 4 years of dating were absolute bliss. That we mostly stayed away from each other might have helped, but every time we met, we just couldn't get enough of each other. I can't figure out what seems to have changed but I think likebrad might have nailed it when you say "- too much of good match (soul affairs) make people to sister and brother at the end?" He fails to turn me on, no matter how hard he tries. And no SG, we don't cuddle and kiss like normal couples do
.
"Maybe trying to surprise him with adventures to do things together. If by talking to him, he still just wants to sit around and not do anything, then be the planner .. the action girl and make dates to go do stuff." I've tried this as well PA, he pretends to play along, but good heavens, if something doesn't work out the way it was intended, he'll start whining. I have to be harsh with him for him to behave at times; how I wish he would just be a good sport. His pessimism with life in general is gnawing at me. Don't get me wrong, he has a very successful career going for him but I wish he would just relax at times, take life as it comes and take some chances to make it more interesting. As per him, if something isn't planned, it surely will fail..ho hum
I think I might already know the fatal solution to end the misery, but I really want this to work. He's otherwise a caring husband and above all, a good human being.
Thanks everyone for your valuable inputs. Your thoughtful responses have given me a lot to chew on. Wish me luck!
I try having my own set of friends and meet up whenever possible. He gets along fine with everyone of my pals and they can't stop going on about what a perfect husband I'm blessed with!
"what seems to work for me and some sags that I know is to take a Break (alone)... few months away from routine and day-to-day monotony. "
I recently took an assignment abroad for 2 months hoping that we would finally end up missing each other after all. Apparently not. Probably it was the workload, but I didn't seem to miss him at all. Dunno about him as nothing seems to have changed for him either.
"Elemental incompaability (like water and fire) after initial mystery and attraction leads to a 'glass wall phenomenon', you can see beyond but cant go beyond." You couldn't have put this in a better way Archer. The first 4 years of dating were absolute bliss. That we mostly stayed away from each other might have helped, but every time we met, we just couldn't get enough of each other. I can't figure out what seems to have changed but I think likebrad might have nailed it when you say "- too much of good match (soul affairs) make people to sister and brother at the end?" He fails to turn me on, no matter how hard he tries. And no SG, we don't cuddle and kiss like normal couples do
. "Maybe trying to surprise him with adventures to do things together. If by talking to him, he still just wants to sit around and not do anything, then be the planner .. the action girl and make dates to go do stuff." I've tried this as well PA, he pretends to play along, but good heavens, if something doesn't work out the way it was intended, he'll start whining. I have to be harsh with him for him to behave at times; how I wish he would just be a good sport. His pessimism with life in general is gnawing at me. Don't get me wrong, he has a very successful career going for him but I wish he would just relax at times, take life as it comes and take some chances to make it more interesting. As per him, if something isn't planned, it surely will fail..ho hum
I think I might already know the fatal solution to end the misery, but I really want this to work. He's otherwise a caring husband and above all, a good human being.
Thanks everyone for your valuable inputs. Your thoughtful responses have given me a lot to chew on. Wish me luck!
Shootingsag, i was / kind of still am in the same situation. For the past two years i have been trying to muddle through my feelings, my marriage and discover where things went wrong. No sex, no intimacy of any kind ... everything was surface level ... like roomates. We have tried the marriage counseler which for us was completely useless. Trust me, when i say, i did emotionally give up on us ... i was just not brave enough to physically call it quits. I'm glad i didn't. Something was holding me back from completely giving up. Recently, in the past month or so, we have been finding that connection again. Our relationship will never be of a passionate kind (which is who i am and what i want - but he isn't and doesn't need it), and i have accepted it.
Long story short ... trust your instincts ... don't be selfish with your time ... look back to things that brought you and your husband together in the first place ... spend quality time together ... find all the answers to the questions you have ... take your time ... and things have a way of working out.
Long story short ... trust your instincts ... don't be selfish with your time ... look back to things that brought you and your husband together in the first place ... spend quality time together ... find all the answers to the questions you have ... take your time ... and things have a way of working out.
That's great, sherob, that you two were able to find each other again
However, I'm compelled to ask/state:
"Our relationship will never be of a passionate kind (which is who i am and what i want - but he isn't and doesn't need it), and i have accepted it."
... this is apart of who you are, yet, you will settle/compromise something that is so strong within you, that you mentioned it. Within a union, there are many "things" we adjust/do/accept .. yet, this lack of passion is what was mentioned, which means, it is huge enough to put it into this short description.
The question: Was this lack of passion, that you now realize will never take place ... apart of what drove you two to re-evaluate what was wrong within the partnership?
However, I'm compelled to ask/state:
"Our relationship will never be of a passionate kind (which is who i am and what i want - but he isn't and doesn't need it), and i have accepted it."
... this is apart of who you are, yet, you will settle/compromise something that is so strong within you, that you mentioned it. Within a union, there are many "things" we adjust/do/accept .. yet, this lack of passion is what was mentioned, which means, it is huge enough to put it into this short description.
The question: Was this lack of passion, that you now realize will never take place ... apart of what drove you two to re-evaluate what was wrong within the partnership?
P-Angel, it is what drove me to analyze the relationship. He was completely fine with our relationship. Our marriage is by no means perfect, but it is a marriage that can work ... with work. I fought this realization for 2 years, thinking, if i accept the way it is, then i am selling myself short. Maybe i am ... maybe i'm not ... time will tell and in the meantime, i am enjoying getting to know my husband again. We are having fun together.
Do YOU still love HIM?
Complacency, it's a sex killer. If ur hubby won't talk, then you need to change things, what does he like, what turns him on? For example, my hubby like me in skirts, flirty ones, and I have a pair of ridiculus red high heels that I cook dinner in. Have FUN together, don't just let things get comfortable, take one night a week to do something together. It's hard work, harder if it's only one person in the relationship trying, but maybe if you can get his attention, then maybe he'll be more willing to play. Booking a weekend away with one suitcase of sex toys might do it!!!
I'm planning to do a massage course next, of course I'll need my hubby to be the guinea pig to practice on !!! lol.
Goodluck.
I'm planning to do a massage course next, of course I'll need my hubby to be the guinea pig to practice on !!! lol.
Goodluck.
hummm, ask him if you are no longer attractive to him or surprise him...For me is understandable that you dont have sex for 7 months, and thats an issue for you and nothing is done. Why dont you take the lead? or at least talk and going to the bottom of the question.
I meant not understandable.
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