Insecure Partner
This topic was created in the Relationships forum by Jade_Alexander on Tuesday, May 21, 2024 and has 77 replies.
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UPDATE: Virgo has been doing PTSD therapy, had a really huge breakthrough with anxiety. We’ve stopped therapy sessions as we no longer need the extra guidance.
We’ve been able to shift the occasional anxiety that arises rather quickly when it does rear its head.
All in all he’s done a really great job of managing himself. I am doing way better in how I engage it.
Virgo has trauma from his marriage, coupled with anxiety from childhood abuse. So he tends to struggle with feelings of insecurity in our relationship.
It’s created a lot of necessary drama the last few weeks and we’ve started couples therapy. The session was so good, but there is still much work to do. I don’t expect things to shift for a bit as we implement changes.
I’m finding myself pulling back emotionally as I have no interest in the chaos he creates when the anxiety hits. I do empathize and have tried to hold space for him. I am simply not as powerful of his anxiety. I also have my children I need to stay present for, I can’t allow a relationship to impact that. So I’m trying to not get overwhelmed by it all.
I have had so much respect and love for this man. But the last few days I’m just numb. I’m not sure if I’m fighting some mild depression from the stress or just something shifted in me.
We’ve been able to shift the occasional anxiety that arises rather quickly when it does rear its head.
All in all he’s done a really great job of managing himself. I am doing way better in how I engage it.
Virgo has trauma from his marriage, coupled with anxiety from childhood abuse. So he tends to struggle with feelings of insecurity in our relationship.
It’s created a lot of necessary drama the last few weeks and we’ve started couples therapy. The session was so good, but there is still much work to do. I don’t expect things to shift for a bit as we implement changes.
I’m finding myself pulling back emotionally as I have no interest in the chaos he creates when the anxiety hits. I do empathize and have tried to hold space for him. I am simply not as powerful of his anxiety. I also have my children I need to stay present for, I can’t allow a relationship to impact that. So I’m trying to not get overwhelmed by it all.
I have had so much respect and love for this man. But the last few days I’m just numb. I’m not sure if I’m fighting some mild depression from the stress or just something shifted in me.
Insecurity, anxiety, chaos, stress...what exactly is he doing or saying, and what triggers it?
The process is:
Remembering
Which causes the emotions attached to them to be Reexperinced. Hopefully getting them out in a healthy way to drain some of the emotional power out of it to reprocess the experience. The anger shame sadness. A big part of trauma childhood truama is understanding it was never about you but the adult. Then the anger from that. Every emotions needs to be understood with onesself.
Then comes understanding and acceptance of what happened in the past. The memory remains but it's a lot lighter after that. Just another memory from the past. This is the natural process.
Usually if after all of that you feel something about it, then it relates to something import to you and then you take it as a learning experience of whst not to do or do differently yourself. With this Most tend to find ways in the world to stop it from happening to others or be there for other victims. Activism. Honestly reminds me of chiron in astrology.
Niw about you,
Well, you have a general idea what you need to do yourself to be emotionally stable. If he is upsetting you too it can cause a nasty feedback loop, reinforcing and feeding his own negative feelings with his past. So Your health is even more important now.
Thats what trauma is about, not the memories themselves but the emotions and feelings attached to them. It's why something will effect one person but do nothing to another.
It's ok not to be able to handle his state ALL the time. Give him space while letting him know you are still there and will be there. You yourself have to be stable.
Mind share what the trauma is and how he is acting out because of it?
Remembering
Which causes the emotions attached to them to be Reexperinced. Hopefully getting them out in a healthy way to drain some of the emotional power out of it to reprocess the experience. The anger shame sadness. A big part of trauma childhood truama is understanding it was never about you but the adult. Then the anger from that. Every emotions needs to be understood with onesself.
Then comes understanding and acceptance of what happened in the past. The memory remains but it's a lot lighter after that. Just another memory from the past. This is the natural process.
Usually if after all of that you feel something about it, then it relates to something import to you and then you take it as a learning experience of whst not to do or do differently yourself. With this Most tend to find ways in the world to stop it from happening to others or be there for other victims. Activism. Honestly reminds me of chiron in astrology.
Niw about you,
Well, you have a general idea what you need to do yourself to be emotionally stable. If he is upsetting you too it can cause a nasty feedback loop, reinforcing and feeding his own negative feelings with his past. So Your health is even more important now.
Thats what trauma is about, not the memories themselves but the emotions and feelings attached to them. It's why something will effect one person but do nothing to another.
It's ok not to be able to handle his state ALL the time. Give him space while letting him know you are still there and will be there. You yourself have to be stable.
Mind share what the trauma is and how he is acting out because of it?
Who is going to help Virgos when they need a break from saving hoes
It sounds like you know how to stay centered yourself at least. Just don't take on his trauma as yours. I think for libras, they tend to detach as a way of coping, especially when it comes to anyone's strong emotion.
Has he been for much psycotherapy?
Sounds like he needs one to one sessions
Sounds like he needs one to one sessions
Posted by MyStarsShineHe’s done a bit of therapy the last year. Being in a relationship has opened old wounds he hasn’t worked through in therapy. As for myself too, which is why we are doing individual and couples therapy.
Has he been for much psycotherapy?
Sounds like he needs one to one sessions
Posted by StardustmoppedEveryone does which is why it’s our responsibility to manage it.
Who doesn’t have trauma? Anyone here not have trauma?
Posted by xkachiHe and I both are in our own individual sessions and he’s been going for over a year, myself 6 years.
Dealing with trauma is a never ending process, if he's only dealing with it now in couples therapy and not as an individuals then he's not doing it for himself... So is it really working for him?
We are just proactively asking for couples as we both came from long term and toxic marriages.
Posted by LostthoughtsLet summarize his childhood this way, his brother is brain damaged and lives at home due to the physical abuse from his father. He grew up in a very rough neighborhood and has held stab victims together when he was 10.
The process is:
Remembering
Which causes the emotions attached to them to be Reexperinced. Hopefully getting them out in a healthy way to drain some of the emotional power out of it to reprocess the experience. The anger shame sadness. A big part of trauma childhood truama is understanding it was never about you but the adult. Then the anger from that. Every emotions needs to be understood with onesself.
Then comes understanding and acceptance of what happened in the past. The memory remains but it's a lot lighter after that. Just another memory from the past. This is the natural process.
Usually if after all of that you feel something about it, then it relates to something import to you and then you take it as a learning experience of whst not to do or do differently yourself. With this Most tend to find ways in the world to stop it from happening to others or be there for other victims. Activism. Honestly reminds me of chiron in astrology.
Niw about you,
Well, you have a general idea what you need to do yourself to be emotionally stable. If he is upsetting you too it can cause a nasty feedback loop, reinforcing and feeding his own negative feelings with his past. So Your health is even more important now.
Thats what trauma is about, not the memories themselves but the emotions and feelings attached to them. It's why something will effect one person but do nothing to another.
It's ok not to be able to handle his state ALL the time. Give him space while letting him know you are still there and will be there. You yourself have to be stable.
Mind share what the trauma is and how he is acting out because of it?
His last relationship ended when his wife had an affair.
So the man has endured a lot, which is why his nervous system is struggling atm. It’s trying to protect him so desperately and unfortunately it creates disruption in us. He feels anxiety about me leaving, or cheating. But it can be very intense at times. It’s not abusive, but it’s disruptive as my bandwidth is limited and I don’t handle the emotional chaos well. I have to keep my life really stable or my body struggles to manage the stress.
Posted by UndineHe’s just anxious… it’s not about what he says that triggers. He gets triggered. Then gets reactive, which can look like needing reassurance, intense feelings of fear or abandonment and anxiety around our relationship.
Insecurity, anxiety, chaos, stress...what exactly is he doing or saying, and what triggers it?
Posted by KimboSliceI don’t think Virgos like being saved periodt
Who is going to help Virgos when they need a break from saving hoes
Posted by StardustAoliI was thinking the same tbh
Idk if therapy works for men
Say he was beat up as a kid
Therapy can’t undo that
What’s it supposed to do
Make peace with it?
Posted by StardustAoliHe made peace with his Dad before he died. That’s not really something I can speak about, I didn’t grow up with DV. I can say that it’s the reason for why he has such high anxiety. So if/when he wants to get to the root cause he will have to unbox that trauma.
Idk if therapy works for men
Say he was beat up as a kid
Therapy can’t undo that
What’s it supposed to do
Make peace with it?
I don’t believe we get to choose to opt out of healing ourselves though. That’s actively choosing a less happier life because it just sounds hard.
Posted by Jade_AlexanderIt all sounds very heavyPosted by MyStarsShine
Has he been for much psycotherapy?
Sounds like he needs one to one sessions
He’s done a bit of therapy the last year. Being in a relationship has opened old wounds he hasn’t worked through in therapy. As for myself too, which is why we are doing individual and couples therapy.click to expand
After what you went through with the kids dad, I think you deserve some fun
Posted by MyStarsShineIt has moments that can be heavy. But his devotion to me and the kids is incredible and we have fun together. I wouldn’t choose to be causal again, I already know that you can’t be in a relationship at 40 and not carry some wounds.Posted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by MyStarsShine
Has he been for much psycotherapy?
Sounds like he needs one to one sessions
He’s done a bit of therapy the last year. Being in a relationship has opened old wounds he hasn’t worked through in therapy. As for myself too, which is why we are doing individual and couples therapy.
It all sounds very heavy
After what you went through with the kids dad, I think you deserve some funclick to expand
Posted by StardustAoliYes OCD is also from trauma. And as for suppressed memories, the body still knows. There are really productive ways like somatic movements to help the body start releasing.Posted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by StardustAoli
Idk if therapy works for men
Say he was beat up as a kid
Therapy can’t undo that
What’s it supposed to do
Make peace with it?
He made peace with his Dad before he died. That’s not really something I can speak about, I didn’t grow up with DV. I can say that it’s the reason for why he has such high anxiety. So if/when he wants to get to the root cause he will have to unbox that trauma.
I don’t believe we get to choose to opt out of healing ourselves though. That’s actively choosing a less happier life because it just sounds hard.
I heard OCD also comes from trauma or abuse
But yeah I just don’t have the memory to remember traumaclick to expand
You don’t have to remember to start healing. You just have to make the commitment to stay with it.
He’s done therapy for over a year and he’s transformed his life. But a relationship can trigger old fears and anxieties.
Posted by StardustmoppedAnd yet people do it so much. Not even aware it happens.Posted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by Stardustmopped
Who doesn’t have trauma? Anyone here not have trauma?
Everyone does which is why it’s our responsibility to manage it.
Exactly. I agree with you. It’s no excuse to project your hurts onto other people.click to expand
It’s just part of human experience. He and I agreed in this relationship to be accountable and grow when called to.
So it’s a lot of work because neither of us want old cycles and relationship shit to bleed over. We promised ourselves so much more.
Posted by StardustmoppedOh to be one of those bulls—yeah, no, not this one. I’m better than I used to be but I have been told I don’t show my anxiety on the outside much.Posted by StardustAoliPosted by StardustmoppedPosted by StardustAoliPosted by Stardustmopped
Who doesn’t have trauma? Anyone here not have trauma?
Me
I believe that actually lol
I’m pretty sure you can beat up and abuse a Taurus feed them steak the next day they will forget about it 🤣
click to expand
I’ve never seen a Taurus be stressed. The girl that does my hair is a Taurus and her husband is a fucboi Capricorn with 3 other baby mommas. He tries to put her through hell and she still goes on with her life and goes to the gym with a personal trainer. The other baby mommas hated her and she befriended her and now one of them works for her. Taurus is so underrated sometimes. Such unbothered energy.click to expand
Posted by Jade_AlexanderThat is every relationshipPosted by StardustAoliPosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by StardustAoli
Idk if therapy works for men
Say he was beat up as a kid
Therapy can’t undo that
What’s it supposed to do
Make peace with it?
He made peace with his Dad before he died. That’s not really something I can speak about, I didn’t grow up with DV. I can say that it’s the reason for why he has such high anxiety. So if/when he wants to get to the root cause he will have to unbox that trauma.
I don’t believe we get to choose to opt out of healing ourselves though. That’s actively choosing a less happier life because it just sounds hard.
I heard OCD also comes from trauma or abuse
But yeah I just don’t have the memory to remember trauma
click to expand
Yes OCD is also from trauma. And as for suppressed memories, the body still knows. There are really productive ways like somatic movements to help the body start releasing.
You don’t have to remember to start healing. You just have to make the commitment to stay with it.
He’s done therapy for over a year and he’s transformed his life. But a relationship can trigger old fears and anxieties.click to expand
So when he’s anxious and afraid does he accuse you, try to control you or arguements . What is the stress that’s causing you
Is it just seeing go through it?
Is it just seeing go through it?
It sucks cuz he fears you leaving n here you are thinking about it from what this post reflect n so in a way he has a right to his fear
Posted by Jade_AlexanderI would mention, based on my experience, that the same person could be either trusting and relaxed, or suspicious and anxious, depending on the person they are in a relationship with.Posted by Undine
Insecurity, anxiety, chaos, stress...what exactly is he doing or saying, and what triggers it?
He’s just anxious… it’s not about what he says that triggers. He gets triggered. Then gets reactive, which can look like needing reassurance, intense feelings of fear or abandonment and anxiety around our relationship.click to expand
I was suspicious and anxious only with the partners who didn't give me enough reason to trust them. Trust is not only about a person being physically present and not cheating, but also being able to fulfil someone's needs. My anxiety was that they were already letting me down in some way, and so they will be letting me down even more in the future.
So have a good look at yourself as well. No amount of talking with a shrink about what happened 100 years ago will compensate for having his needs not met, here and now, in his most important relationship.
It is also possible that you are doing the best you could, but it is simply not good enough for him, which raises the question if you two are compatible enough to embark on a LTR.
Posted by UndineWhich is something we’ve discussed. Am I meeting needs, where can I show up more to reassure and when is this anxiety just being uncomfortable.Posted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by Undine
Insecurity, anxiety, chaos, stress...what exactly is he doing or saying, and what triggers it?
He’s just anxious… it’s not about what he says that triggers. He gets triggered. Then gets reactive, which can look like needing reassurance, intense feelings of fear or abandonment and anxiety around our relationship.
click to expand
I would mention, based on my experience, that the same person could be either trusting and relaxed, or suspicious and anxious, depending on the person they are in a relationship with.
I was suspicious and anxious only with the partners who didn't give me enough reason to trust them. Trust is not only about a person being physically present and not cheating, but also being able to fulfil someone's needs. My anxiety was that they were already letting me down in some way, and so they will be letting me down even more in the future.
So have a good look at yourself as well. No amount of talking with a shrink about what happened 100 years ago will compensate for having his needs not met, here and now, in his most important relationship.
It is also possible that you are doing the best you could, but it is simply not good enough for him, which raises the question if you two are compatible enough to embark on a LTR.click to expand
Some of it is beyond my control, but I am doing my part to adjust and flow.
He is aware he hasn’t healed enough from the trauma of his ex and he does project it. Which happens, it’s just understanding what’s a projection vs reality.
Posted by xkachiHis was just under a year when he met me. Whereas I’ve been on my own for years.Posted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by xkachi
Dealing with trauma is a never ending process, if he's only dealing with it now in couples therapy and not as an individuals then he's not doing it for himself... So is it really working for him?
He and I both are in our own individual sessions and he’s been going for over a year, myself 6 years.
We are just proactively asking for couples as we both came from long term and toxic marriages.
How recent were the divorce?
That's good you're both attending individual counseling.click to expand
I’m the first relationship since he was a teenager.
Posted by TruemaraAgreed, which is why we have to use those opportunities to heal and grow. Otherwise we end up having the same cycles over and over.Posted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by StardustAoliPosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by StardustAoli
Idk if therapy works for men
Say he was beat up as a kid
Therapy can’t undo that
What’s it supposed to do
Make peace with it?
He made peace with his Dad before he died. That’s not really something I can speak about, I didn’t grow up with DV. I can say that it’s the reason for why he has such high anxiety. So if/when he wants to get to the root cause he will have to unbox that trauma.
I don’t believe we get to choose to opt out of healing ourselves though. That’s actively choosing a less happier life because it just sounds hard.
I heard OCD also comes from trauma or abuse
But yeah I just don’t have the memory to remember trauma
click to expand
Yes OCD is also from trauma. And as for suppressed memories, the body still knows. There are really productive ways like somatic movements to help the body start releasing.
You don’t have to remember to start healing. You just have to make the commitment to stay with it.
He’s done therapy for over a year and he’s transformed his life. But a relationship can trigger old fears and anxieties.
That is every relationshipclick to expand
Posted by Jade_AlexanderHe was married in his teens?Posted by xkachiPosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by xkachi
Dealing with trauma is a never ending process, if he's only dealing with it now in couples therapy and not as an individuals then he's not doing it for himself... So is it really working for him?
He and I both are in our own individual sessions and he’s been going for over a year, myself 6 years.
We are just proactively asking for couples as we both came from long term and toxic marriages.
How recent were the divorce?
That's good you're both attending individual counseling.
click to expand
His was just under a year when he met me. Whereas I’ve been on my own for years.
I’m the first relationship since he was a teenager.click to expand
Posted by Jade_AlexanderThat's a lot of violence and struggling to survive.Posted by Lostthoughts
The process is:
Remembering
Which causes the emotions attached to them to be Reexperinced. Hopefully getting them out in a healthy way to drain some of the emotional power out of it to reprocess the experience. The anger shame sadness. A big part of trauma childhood truama is understanding it was never about you but the adult. Then the anger from that. Every emotions needs to be understood with onesself.
Then comes understanding and acceptance of what happened in the past. The memory remains but it's a lot lighter after that. Just another memory from the past. This is the natural process.
Usually if after all of that you feel something about it, then it relates to something import to you and then you take it as a learning experience of whst not to do or do differently yourself. With this Most tend to find ways in the world to stop it from happening to others or be there for other victims. Activism. Honestly reminds me of chiron in astrology.
Niw about you,
Well, you have a general idea what you need to do yourself to be emotionally stable. If he is upsetting you too it can cause a nasty feedback loop, reinforcing and feeding his own negative feelings with his past. So Your health is even more important now.
Thats what trauma is about, not the memories themselves but the emotions and feelings attached to them. It's why something will effect one person but do nothing to another.
It's ok not to be able to handle his state ALL the time. Give him space while letting him know you are still there and will be there. You yourself have to be stable.
Mind share what the trauma is and how he is acting out because of it?
Let summarize his childhood this way, his brother is brain damaged and lives at home due to the physical abuse from his father. He grew up in a very rough neighborhood and has held stab victims together when he was 10.
His last relationship ended when his wife had an affair.
So the man has endured a lot, which is why his nervous system is struggling atm. It’s trying to protect him so desperately and unfortunately it creates disruption in us. He feels anxiety about me leaving, or cheating. But it can be very intense at times. It’s not abusive, but it’s disruptive as my bandwidth is limited and I don’t handle the emotional chaos well. I have to keep my life really stable or my body struggles to manage the stress.click to expand
Huh... he doesn't need any of those skill sets with you.
Let me put it this way, with you, He doesn't have to be that way, watching out for shit like that to survive.
A part of his identity thats wants resolved because he now has space to and doesn't match his reality anymore.
hey remember that song " Video killed the radio star"?
People fought tooth and nail until they adapted to the new change. Adapted to TV.
All you got to do is continue to be TV, your vibe without you rejecting his, he is doing that himself, it will take time. Hold your energy while he is processing his energy and changing it over.
Does that make sense?
P.S. He is and will pick up on your energy. You got to be able to read people in order to survive the childhood he did. So don't deny how you are feeling just describe what it means for you and how you are handling it to him. That will keep the trauma from being reinforced, trust and safety is at the heart of his truama. Show him that.
That's why holding your vibe and convictions with him are important. As well as your own welbing and vibe🙂
I pray he comes out of this transition better for it and repurposes this part of him.
Posted by LostthoughtsHe’s been through so much and is such a loving and giving person. I just keep trying to stay calm and stable through it until his nervous system can feel safe.Posted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by Lostthoughts
The process is:
Remembering
Which causes the emotions attached to them to be Reexperinced. Hopefully getting them out in a healthy way to drain some of the emotional power out of it to reprocess the experience. The anger shame sadness. A big part of trauma childhood truama is understanding it was never about you but the adult. Then the anger from that. Every emotions needs to be understood with onesself.
Then comes understanding and acceptance of what happened in the past. The memory remains but it's a lot lighter after that. Just another memory from the past. This is the natural process.
Usually if after all of that you feel something about it, then it relates to something import to you and then you take it as a learning experience of whst not to do or do differently yourself. With this Most tend to find ways in the world to stop it from happening to others or be there for other victims. Activism. Honestly reminds me of chiron in astrology.
Niw about you,
Well, you have a general idea what you need to do yourself to be emotionally stable. If he is upsetting you too it can cause a nasty feedback loop, reinforcing and feeding his own negative feelings with his past. So Your health is even more important now.
Thats what trauma is about, not the memories themselves but the emotions and feelings attached to them. It's why something will effect one person but do nothing to another.
It's ok not to be able to handle his state ALL the time. Give him space while letting him know you are still there and will be there. You yourself have to be stable.
Mind share what the trauma is and how he is acting out because of it?
Let summarize his childhood this way, his brother is brain damaged and lives at home due to the physical abuse from his father. He grew up in a very rough neighborhood and has held stab victims together when he was 10.
His last relationship ended when his wife had an affair.
So the man has endured a lot, which is why his nervous system is struggling atm. It’s trying to protect him so desperately and unfortunately it creates disruption in us. He feels anxiety about me leaving, or cheating. But it can be very intense at times. It’s not abusive, but it’s disruptive as my bandwidth is limited and I don’t handle the emotional chaos well. I have to keep my life really stable or my body struggles to manage the stress.
That's a lot of violence and struggling to survive.
Huh... he doesn't need any of those skill sets with you.
Let me put it this way, with you, He doesn't have to be that way, watching out for shit like that to survive.
A part of his identity thats wants resolved because he now has space to and doesn't match his reality anymore.
hey remember that song " Video killed the radio star"?
People fought tooth and nail until they adapted to the new change. Adapted to TV.
All you got to do is continue to be TV, your vibe without you rejecting his, he is doing that himself, it will take time. Hold your energy while he is processing his energy and changing it over.
Does that make sense?
P.S. He is and will pick up on your energy. You got to be able to read people in order to survive the childhood he did. So don't deny how you are feeling just describe what it means for you and how you are handling it to him. That will keep the trauma from being reinforced, trust and safety is at the heart of his truama. Show him that.
That's why holding your vibe and convictions with him are important. As well as your own welbing and vibe🙂
I pray he comes out of this transition better for it and repurposes this part of him.click to expand
Posted by xkachiWhich I told him. He felt he was ready when he met me, and his kids are doing amazing. But he’s still processing A LOT.Posted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by xkachiPosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by xkachi
Dealing with trauma is a never ending process, if he's only dealing with it now in couples therapy and not as an individuals then he's not doing it for himself... So is it really working for him?
He and I both are in our own individual sessions and he’s been going for over a year, myself 6 years.
We are just proactively asking for couples as we both came from long term and toxic marriages.
How recent were the divorce?
That's good you're both attending individual counseling.
His was just under a year when he met me. Whereas I’ve been on my own for years.
I’m the first relationship since he was a teenager.
"His was just under a year when he met me"
I'm not an expert but maybe he needs more time?click to expand
Posted by MyStarsShineHe was a teen parent and married the baby mama in Mid 20’s.Posted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by xkachiPosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by xkachi
Dealing with trauma is a never ending process, if he's only dealing with it now in couples therapy and not as an individuals then he's not doing it for himself... So is it really working for him?
He and I both are in our own individual sessions and he’s been going for over a year, myself 6 years.
We are just proactively asking for couples as we both came from long term and toxic marriages.
How recent were the divorce?
That's good you're both attending individual counseling.
click to expand
His was just under a year when he met me. Whereas I’ve been on my own for years.
I’m the first relationship since he was a teenager.
He was married in his teens?click to expand
Posted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by LostthoughtsPosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by Lostthoughts
The process is:
Remembering
Which causes the emotions attached to them to be Reexperinced. Hopefully getting them out in a healthy way to drain some of the emotional power out of it to reprocess the experience. The anger shame sadness. A big part of trauma childhood truama is understanding it was never about you but the adult. Then the anger from that. Every emotions needs to be understood with onesself.
Then comes understanding and acceptance of what happened in the past. The memory remains but it's a lot lighter after that. Just another memory from the past. This is the natural process.
Usually if after all of that you feel something about it, then it relates to something import to you and then you take it as a learning experience of whst not to do or do differently yourself. With this Most tend to find ways in the world to stop it from happening to others or be there for other victims. Activism. Honestly reminds me of chiron in astrology.
Niw about you,
Well, you have a general idea what you need to do yourself to be emotionally stable. If he is upsetting you too it can cause a nasty feedback loop, reinforcing and feeding his own negative feelings with his past. So Your health is even more important now.
Thats what trauma is about, not the memories themselves but the emotions and feelings attached to them. It's why something will effect one person but do nothing to another.
It's ok not to be able to handle his state ALL the time. Give him space while letting him know you are still there and will be there. You yourself have to be stable.
Mind share what the trauma is and how he is acting out because of it?
Let summarize his childhood this way, his brother is brain damaged and lives at home due to the physical abuse from his father. He grew up in a very rough neighborhood and has held stab victims together when he was 10.
His last relationship ended when his wife had an affair.
So the man has endured a lot, which is why his nervous system is struggling atm. It’s trying to protect him so desperately and unfortunately it creates disruption in us. He feels anxiety about me leaving, or cheating. But it can be very intense at times. It’s not abusive, but it’s disruptive as my bandwidth is limited and I don’t handle the emotional chaos well. I have to keep my life really stable or my body struggles to manage the stress.
That's a lot of violence and struggling to survive.
Huh... he doesn't need any of those skill sets with you.
Let me put it this way, with you, He doesn't have to be that way, watching out for shit like that to survive.
A part of his identity thats wants resolved because he now has space to and doesn't match his reality anymore.
hey remember that song " Video killed the radio star"?
People fought tooth and nail until they adapted to the new change. Adapted to TV.
All you got to do is continue to be TV, your vibe without you rejecting his, he is doing that himself, it will take time. Hold your energy while he is processing his energy and changing it over.
Does that make sense?
P.S. He is and will pick up on your energy. You got to be able to read people in order to survive the childhood he did. So don't deny how you are feeling just describe what it means for you and how you are handling it to him. That will keep the trauma from being reinforced, trust and safety is at the heart of his truama. Show him that.
That's why holding your vibe and convictions with him are important. As well as your own welbing and vibe🙂
I pray he comes out of this transition better for it and repurposes this part of him.
He’s been through so much and is such a loving and giving person. I just keep trying to stay calm and stable through it until his nervous system can feel safe.click to expand
A sensitive guy🙂
Body mind spirit. He will get through the process and better for it.
As will you.
Posted by LostthoughtsMost men are sensitive, they just need to feel safe and loved enough to lean into it.Posted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by LostthoughtsPosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by Lostthoughts
The process is:
Remembering
Which causes the emotions attached to them to be Reexperinced. Hopefully getting them out in a healthy way to drain some of the emotional power out of it to reprocess the experience. The anger shame sadness. A big part of trauma childhood truama is understanding it was never about you but the adult. Then the anger from that. Every emotions needs to be understood with onesself.
Then comes understanding and acceptance of what happened in the past. The memory remains but it's a lot lighter after that. Just another memory from the past. This is the natural process.
Usually if after all of that you feel something about it, then it relates to something import to you and then you take it as a learning experience of whst not to do or do differently yourself. With this Most tend to find ways in the world to stop it from happening to others or be there for other victims. Activism. Honestly reminds me of chiron in astrology.
Niw about you,
Well, you have a general idea what you need to do yourself to be emotionally stable. If he is upsetting you too it can cause a nasty feedback loop, reinforcing and feeding his own negative feelings with his past. So Your health is even more important now.
Thats what trauma is about, not the memories themselves but the emotions and feelings attached to them. It's why something will effect one person but do nothing to another.
It's ok not to be able to handle his state ALL the time. Give him space while letting him know you are still there and will be there. You yourself have to be stable.
Mind share what the trauma is and how he is acting out because of it?
Let summarize his childhood this way, his brother is brain damaged and lives at home due to the physical abuse from his father. He grew up in a very rough neighborhood and has held stab victims together when he was 10.
His last relationship ended when his wife had an affair.
So the man has endured a lot, which is why his nervous system is struggling atm. It’s trying to protect him so desperately and unfortunately it creates disruption in us. He feels anxiety about me leaving, or cheating. But it can be very intense at times. It’s not abusive, but it’s disruptive as my bandwidth is limited and I don’t handle the emotional chaos well. I have to keep my life really stable or my body struggles to manage the stress.
That's a lot of violence and struggling to survive.
Huh... he doesn't need any of those skill sets with you.
Let me put it this way, with you, He doesn't have to be that way, watching out for shit like that to survive.
A part of his identity thats wants resolved because he now has space to and doesn't match his reality anymore.
hey remember that song " Video killed the radio star"?
People fought tooth and nail until they adapted to the new change. Adapted to TV.
All you got to do is continue to be TV, your vibe without you rejecting his, he is doing that himself, it will take time. Hold your energy while he is processing his energy and changing it over.
Does that make sense?
P.S. He is and will pick up on your energy. You got to be able to read people in order to survive the childhood he did. So don't deny how you are feeling just describe what it means for you and how you are handling it to him. That will keep the trauma from being reinforced, trust and safety is at the heart of his truama. Show him that.
That's why holding your vibe and convictions with him are important. As well as your own welbing and vibe🙂
I pray he comes out of this transition better for it and repurposes this part of him.
He’s been through so much and is such a loving and giving person. I just keep trying to stay calm and stable through it until his nervous system can feel safe.
A sensitive guy🙂
Body mind spirit. He will get through the process and better for it.
As will you.click to expand
Posted by Jade_AlexanderBeing in therapy for 6 years? What exactly is that, you have not been able to heal for so long. Can't imagine being damaged to the point that there's nothing left to heal, sounds like it.Posted by xkachi
Dealing with trauma is a never ending process, if he's only dealing with it now in couples therapy and not as an individuals then he's not doing it for himself... So is it really working for him?
He and I both are in our own individual sessions and he’s been going for over a year, myself 6 years.
We are just proactively asking for couples as we both came from long term and toxic marriages.click to expand
Posted by xkachiPosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by xkachiPosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by xkachiPosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by xkachi
Dealing with trauma is a never ending process, if he's only dealing with it now in couples therapy and not as an individuals then he's not doing it for himself... So is it really working for him?
He and I both are in our own individual sessions and he’s been going for over a year, myself 6 years.
We are just proactively asking for couples as we both came from long term and toxic marriages.
How recent were the divorce?
That's good you're both attending individual counseling.
His was just under a year when he met me. Whereas I’ve been on my own for years.
I’m the first relationship since he was a teenager.
"His was just under a year when he met me"
I'm not an expert but maybe he needs more time?
Which I told him. He felt he was ready when he met me, and his kids are doing amazing. But he’s still processing A LOT.
People can still be processing a lot but functioning.
It just depends if they have the tools to get by. His divorce seems too fresh though.click to expand
Posted by xkachiI think he’s having to learn real fast how to implement new tools. Some of what he did helps, but having vulnerable communication, and accountability looks different single vs coupled.Posted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by xkachiPosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by xkachiPosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by xkachi
Dealing with trauma is a never ending process, if he's only dealing with it now in couples therapy and not as an individuals then he's not doing it for himself... So is it really working for him?
He and I both are in our own individual sessions and he’s been going for over a year, myself 6 years.
We are just proactively asking for couples as we both came from long term and toxic marriages.
How recent were the divorce?
That's good you're both attending individual counseling.
His was just under a year when he met me. Whereas I’ve been on my own for years.
I’m the first relationship since he was a teenager.
"His was just under a year when he met me"
I'm not an expert but maybe he needs more time?
Which I told him. He felt he was ready when he met me, and his kids are doing amazing. But he’s still processing A LOT.
People can still be processing a lot but functioning.
It just depends if they have the tools to get by. His divorce seems too fresh though.click to expand
Posted by meowbelleeAgreed, which is why it’s important to have early intervention. I didn’t want this to simmer and fester like some relationship issues do.
This can quickly become toxic/wear u down, unless u have the patience and can work through issues, understand and listen his fears/feelings/thoughts show that ur there for him imo
Can we break this down a into something base and simple.
Let's take away all of your prior knowledge of his issues and just look at what happens in the moments that he's getting anxiety going on.
What is happening, what is he doing, his actions, his tone, his vibe.
How does he approach you and communicate with you. How does he approach your children in these moments.
How do you feel about it in the moment, without making any rationalization for it. How does your primal brain/body feel and respond?
How has this escalated over a period of time?
Let's take away all of your prior knowledge of his issues and just look at what happens in the moments that he's getting anxiety going on.
What is happening, what is he doing, his actions, his tone, his vibe.
How does he approach you and communicate with you. How does he approach your children in these moments.
How do you feel about it in the moment, without making any rationalization for it. How does your primal brain/body feel and respond?
How has this escalated over a period of time?
Posted by Walk_on_byHe is never ever aggressive with me or the kids. He doesn’t yell, or raise his voice.
Can we break this down a into something base and simple.
Let's take away all of your prior knowledge of his issues and just look at what happens in the moments that he's getting anxiety going on.
What is happening, what is he doing, his actions, his tone, his vibe.
How does he approach you and communicate with you. How does he approach your children in these moments.
How do you feel about it in the moment, without making any rationalization for it. How does your primal brain/body feel and respond?
How has this escalated over a period of time?
He simply is having an anxiety attack over relationship issues, often triggered by a random comment or incident and it escalates in his head into a catastrophic thought.
It usually comes when he’s have situational stressors elsewhere but he fixates on us.
It’s triggers my abandonment and self worth because I worry he’s going to leave so I tend to met his anxiety with my own. Usually that eats up a portion of my mental and emotional energy until that cycle calms (72 hours seems to be how long both our CNS needs to regulate again).
Some themes I feel are: fear of abandonment, shame because I didn’t do something ‘right’, and my self worth if I’m lovable.
Then I chase while he is trying to calm, and re trigger the cycle. I’m working on stoping that and allowing it to naturally get to normal.
I have never worried for my safety or been threatened. It’s just that he has an anxiety attack out of the blue and suddenly he’s IN it. He’s never shown a hint of anger at me or the kids. In person he is just holding back tears and speaks to his fear.
Posted by xkachiHe’s not completely out of tune, we’re just two humans.Posted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by xkachiPosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by xkachiPosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by xkachiPosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by xkachi
Dealing with trauma is a never ending process, if he's only dealing with it now in couples therapy and not as an individuals then he's not doing it for himself... So is it really working for him?
He and I both are in our own individual sessions and he’s been going for over a year, myself 6 years.
We are just proactively asking for couples as we both came from long term and toxic marriages.
How recent were the divorce?
That's good you're both attending individual counseling.
His was just under a year when he met me. Whereas I’ve been on my own for years.
I’m the first relationship since he was a teenager.
"His was just under a year when he met me"
I'm not an expert but maybe he needs more time?
Which I told him. He felt he was ready when he met me, and his kids are doing amazing. But he’s still processing A LOT.
People can still be processing a lot but functioning.
It just depends if they have the tools to get by. His divorce seems too fresh though.
I think he’s having to learn real fast how to implement new tools. Some of what he did helps, but having vulnerable communication, and accountability looks different single vs coupled.
Communication and accountability are huge in r/s. If he's not completely out of tune with it, there may be hope but it all depends on how much you can handle right.click to expand
I have two special needs kids and my ex is unhinged so my bandwidth is small.
So we’re both learning how to work through it all. And sometimes it’s not fun.
Posted by Jade_AlexanderIt’s difficult as I’ve seen with several Libra women and their need to be coupled upPosted by xkachiPosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by xkachiPosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by xkachiPosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by xkachiPosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by xkachi
Dealing with trauma is a never ending process, if he's only dealing with it now in couples therapy and not as an individuals then he's not doing it for himself... So is it really working for him?
He and I both are in our own individual sessions and he’s been going for over a year, myself 6 years.
We are just proactively asking for couples as we both came from long term and toxic marriages.
How recent were the divorce?
That's good you're both attending individual counseling.
His was just under a year when he met me. Whereas I’ve been on my own for years.
I’m the first relationship since he was a teenager.
"His was just under a year when he met me"
I'm not an expert but maybe he needs more time?
Which I told him. He felt he was ready when he met me, and his kids are doing amazing. But he’s still processing A LOT.
People can still be processing a lot but functioning.
It just depends if they have the tools to get by. His divorce seems too fresh though.
I think he’s having to learn real fast how to implement new tools. Some of what he did helps, but having vulnerable communication, and accountability looks different single vs coupled.
Communication and accountability are huge in r/s. If he's not completely out of tune with it, there may be hope but it all depends on how much you can handle right.
click to expand
He’s not completely out of tune, we’re just two humans.
I have two special needs kids and my ex is unhinged so my bandwidth is small.
So we’re both learning how to work through it all. And sometimes it’s not fun.click to expand
can often lead to challenging relationships
I think that sign is more keen to have a partner as the 7th house is about *others* ~ the house of marriage
Posted by MyStarsShineI can’t stand Taurus men lol… they wanna like posses me and lock me down. I think that’s half the problem with earth men in general.Posted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by xkachiPosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by xkachiPosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by xkachiPosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by xkachiPosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by xkachi
Dealing with trauma is a never ending process, if he's only dealing with it now in couples therapy and not as an individuals then he's not doing it for himself... So is it really working for him?
He and I both are in our own individual sessions and he’s been going for over a year, myself 6 years.
We are just proactively asking for couples as we both came from long term and toxic marriages.
How recent were the divorce?
That's good you're both attending individual counseling.
His was just under a year when he met me. Whereas I’ve been on my own for years.
I’m the first relationship since he was a teenager.
"His was just under a year when he met me"
I'm not an expert but maybe he needs more time?
Which I told him. He felt he was ready when he met me, and his kids are doing amazing. But he’s still processing A LOT.
People can still be processing a lot but functioning.
It just depends if they have the tools to get by. His divorce seems too fresh though.
I think he’s having to learn real fast how to implement new tools. Some of what he did helps, but having vulnerable communication, and accountability looks different single vs coupled.
Communication and accountability are huge in r/s. If he's not completely out of tune with it, there may be hope but it all depends on how much you can handle right.
click to expand
He’s not completely out of tune, we’re just two humans.
I have two special needs kids and my ex is unhinged so my bandwidth is small.
So we’re both learning how to work through it all. And sometimes it’s not fun.
It’s difficult as I’ve seen with several Libra women and their need to be coupled up
can often lead to challenging relationships
I think that sign is more keen to have a partner as the 7th house is about *others* ~ the house of marriageclick to expand
Being so much air and Scorpio puts me a bit at odds. I wanna posses but god forbid someone has that attitude with me! lol
Learning how to balance it.
Posted by SagicornThis is wildly inaccurate for how therapy works in relationships and why we chose it.
Honestly, imo from observing people around me, Virgo and Libra are a poor emotional match. Libra is incapable of reassurance that Virgos need badly sometimes and yours seems to need it even more given the fact what he's been through. I think you're looking at this from wrong perspective and you might be fueling his insecurities. He's only looking for reassurance and when you don't provide that it escalates to the chaos in his head. And I know Libras provide no reassurance most of the time. If I read it well, you're a Libra, not a Scorpio? I think you could actually easily calm him down with softer and more reassuring approach but for whatever reason you don't want to do that and instead choose therapy. I don't think he needs therapy for relationship, at least not yet. Hell, I actually believe that when you need a therapy for a relationship at all you should just end it. It's not supposed to be that hard
My reassurance is not effective when someone is anxious, it’s just how anxiety works.
I agree Virgo and Libra isn’t an ideal match but here we are. Outside of his anxiety and insecurity that is a trigger for it we do fine and are on the same page.
An example is I have a work event in which my own daughter is coming. He has fears I will drink, flirt and hook up with someone at said event.
None of it comes from reality or is a reflection of my behaviors or this event. I’m doing face painting for kids lol.
That’s how anxiety and intrusive thoughts work. There isn’t enough reassurance in the world, he needs CBT therapy and to work on processing his past stuff. I need to stay calm, and give him space and continue to show my commitment and care while he heals.
Posted by Jade_AlexanderThat sounds like Scorpio double standards lolPosted by MyStarsShinePosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by xkachiPosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by xkachiPosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by xkachiPosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by xkachiPosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by xkachi
Dealing with trauma is a never ending process, if he's only dealing with it now in couples therapy and not as an individuals then he's not doing it for himself... So is it really working for him?
He and I both are in our own individual sessions and he’s been going for over a year, myself 6 years.
We are just proactively asking for couples as we both came from long term and toxic marriages.
How recent were the divorce?
That's good you're both attending individual counseling.
His was just under a year when he met me. Whereas I’ve been on my own for years.
I’m the first relationship since he was a teenager.
"His was just under a year when he met me"
I'm not an expert but maybe he needs more time?
Which I told him. He felt he was ready when he met me, and his kids are doing amazing. But he’s still processing A LOT.
People can still be processing a lot but functioning.
It just depends if they have the tools to get by. His divorce seems too fresh though.
I think he’s having to learn real fast how to implement new tools. Some of what he did helps, but having vulnerable communication, and accountability looks different single vs coupled.
Communication and accountability are huge in r/s. If he's not completely out of tune with it, there may be hope but it all depends on how much you can handle right.
click to expand
He’s not completely out of tune, we’re just two humans.
I have two special needs kids and my ex is unhinged so my bandwidth is small.
So we’re both learning how to work through it all. And sometimes it’s not fun.
It’s difficult as I’ve seen with several Libra women and their need to be coupled up
can often lead to challenging relationships
I think that sign is more keen to have a partner as the 7th house is about *others* ~ the house of marriage
I can’t stand Taurus men lol… they wanna like posses me and lock me down. I think that’s half the problem with earth men in general.
Being so much air and Scorpio puts me a bit at odds. I wanna posses but god forbid someone has that attitude with me! lol
Learning how to balance it.click to expand
😂
Posted by MyStarsShinelol I would never call myself an easy personality…Posted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by MyStarsShinePosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by xkachiPosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by xkachiPosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by xkachiPosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by xkachiPosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by xkachi
Dealing with trauma is a never ending process, if he's only dealing with it now in couples therapy and not as an individuals then he's not doing it for himself... So is it really working for him?
He and I both are in our own individual sessions and he’s been going for over a year, myself 6 years.
We are just proactively asking for couples as we both came from long term and toxic marriages.
How recent were the divorce?
That's good you're both attending individual counseling.
His was just under a year when he met me. Whereas I’ve been on my own for years.
I’m the first relationship since he was a teenager.
"His was just under a year when he met me"
I'm not an expert but maybe he needs more time?
Which I told him. He felt he was ready when he met me, and his kids are doing amazing. But he’s still processing A LOT.
People can still be processing a lot but functioning.
It just depends if they have the tools to get by. His divorce seems too fresh though.
I think he’s having to learn real fast how to implement new tools. Some of what he did helps, but having vulnerable communication, and accountability looks different single vs coupled.
Communication and accountability are huge in r/s. If he's not completely out of tune with it, there may be hope but it all depends on how much you can handle right.
click to expand
He’s not completely out of tune, we’re just two humans.
I have two special needs kids and my ex is unhinged so my bandwidth is small.
So we’re both learning how to work through it all. And sometimes it’s not fun.
It’s difficult as I’ve seen with several Libra women and their need to be coupled up
can often lead to challenging relationships
I think that sign is more keen to have a partner as the 7th house is about *others* ~ the house of marriage
I can’t stand Taurus men lol… they wanna like posses me and lock me down. I think that’s half the problem with earth men in general.
Being so much air and Scorpio puts me a bit at odds. I wanna posses but god forbid someone has that attitude with me! lol
Learning how to balance it.
That sounds like Scorpio double standards lol
😂click to expand
Posted by Jade_AlexanderI’m with you there girl lolPosted by MyStarsShinePosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by MyStarsShinePosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by xkachiPosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by xkachiPosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by xkachiPosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by xkachiPosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by xkachi
Dealing with trauma is a never ending process, if he's only dealing with it now in couples therapy and not as an individuals then he's not doing it for himself... So is it really working for him?
He and I both are in our own individual sessions and he’s been going for over a year, myself 6 years.
We are just proactively asking for couples as we both came from long term and toxic marriages.
How recent were the divorce?
That's good you're both attending individual counseling.
His was just under a year when he met me. Whereas I’ve been on my own for years.
I’m the first relationship since he was a teenager.
"His was just under a year when he met me"
I'm not an expert but maybe he needs more time?
Which I told him. He felt he was ready when he met me, and his kids are doing amazing. But he’s still processing A LOT.
People can still be processing a lot but functioning.
It just depends if they have the tools to get by. His divorce seems too fresh though.
I think he’s having to learn real fast how to implement new tools. Some of what he did helps, but having vulnerable communication, and accountability looks different single vs coupled.
Communication and accountability are huge in r/s. If he's not completely out of tune with it, there may be hope but it all depends on how much you can handle right.
click to expand
He’s not completely out of tune, we’re just two humans.
I have two special needs kids and my ex is unhinged so my bandwidth is small.
So we’re both learning how to work through it all. And sometimes it’s not fun.
It’s difficult as I’ve seen with several Libra women and their need to be coupled up
can often lead to challenging relationships
I think that sign is more keen to have a partner as the 7th house is about *others* ~ the house of marriage
I can’t stand Taurus men lol… they wanna like posses me and lock me down. I think that’s half the problem with earth men in general.
Being so much air and Scorpio puts me a bit at odds. I wanna posses but god forbid someone has that attitude with me! lol
Learning how to balance it.
That sounds like Scorpio double standards lol
😂
lol I would never call myself an easy personality…click to expand
Posted by SagicornMy response is direct, I state the reason I’m going, the agenda and timeline. Then followed it up with an option to manage the anxiety.Posted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by Sagicorn
Honestly, imo from observing people around me, Virgo and Libra are a poor emotional match. Libra is incapable of reassurance that Virgos need badly sometimes and yours seems to need it even more given the fact what he's been through. I think you're looking at this from wrong perspective and you might be fueling his insecurities. He's only looking for reassurance and when you don't provide that it escalates to the chaos in his head. And I know Libras provide no reassurance most of the time. If I read it well, you're a Libra, not a Scorpio? I think you could actually easily calm him down with softer and more reassuring approach but for whatever reason you don't want to do that and instead choose therapy. I don't think he needs therapy for relationship, at least not yet. Hell, I actually believe that when you need a therapy for a relationship at all you should just end it. It's not supposed to be that hard
This is wildly inaccurate for how therapy works in relationships and why we chose it.
My reassurance is not effective when someone is anxious, it’s just how anxiety works.
I agree Virgo and Libra isn’t an ideal match but here we are. Outside of his anxiety and insecurity that is a trigger for it we do fine and are on the same page.
An example is I have a work event in which my own daughter is coming. He has fears I will drink, flirt and hook up with someone at said event.
None of it comes from reality or is a reflection of my behaviors or this event. I’m doing face painting for kids lol.
That’s how anxiety and intrusive thoughts work. There isn’t enough reassurance in the world, he needs CBT therapy and to work on processing his past stuff. I need to stay calm, and give him space and continue to show my commitment and care while he heals.
Ok, how do you respond to his anxiety in this particular scenario? With Virgo's overthinking capabilities only thing that can get them out of their head is shaking them with reality? You don't say: "no, I would never do that, you know me"...you say: "you do realize this face painting event for kids right? And where would I even get that drink from?" You need to paint a picture in his head so he can realize he's being unrealistic about it. BUT, this all only if you're really ready to go through that over and over with someone like that. I honestly wouldn't because it just sounds like too much work. I didn't try to say ut's your fault for not trying harder, in case it came out that way, I wanted to say what sometimes creates those scenarios in your 2 signs in particular is entirely different approach to emotions. My bf is a Virgo and his mom is Libra. From what I've known them so far, I know how they respond to emotions. Her way is to shut down until it goes away and his way is to talk everything to the tiniest little detail. Libra doesn't have patience for not even the part of the details Virgo goes to (which btw can be excruciatingly long lasting) and that makes a big gap between signs in understanding each other. So it can be hard to work on that part because that's something people can't change about themselves and others have to adopt to it. Main point is that you understand his approach and he understands yours, without that, it can't work.click to expand
But ultimately it’s not something I can magically fix, and he didn’t want to discuss it endlessly.
I do not dismiss, but I also know that chasing him to reassure isn’t working. It’s anxiety not based in reality.
And the reason I am willing to work through this is because our relationship is built on strong compatibility, deep respect and love and the same life long and relationship vision for our future. This isn’t just fun, we are building a new family. Which we are in harmony as we work through implementing these changes.
Just sometimes you gotta manage the shit too. No one is perfect.
Posted by SagicornWe both agreed a few months of hard work is worth it for the life time of fun.Posted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by SagicornPosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by Sagicorn
Honestly, imo from observing people around me, Virgo and Libra are a poor emotional match. Libra is incapable of reassurance that Virgos need badly sometimes and yours seems to need it even more given the fact what he's been through. I think you're looking at this from wrong perspective and you might be fueling his insecurities. He's only looking for reassurance and when you don't provide that it escalates to the chaos in his head. And I know Libras provide no reassurance most of the time. If I read it well, you're a Libra, not a Scorpio? I think you could actually easily calm him down with softer and more reassuring approach but for whatever reason you don't want to do that and instead choose therapy. I don't think he needs therapy for relationship, at least not yet. Hell, I actually believe that when you need a therapy for a relationship at all you should just end it. It's not supposed to be that hard
This is wildly inaccurate for how therapy works in relationships and why we chose it.
My reassurance is not effective when someone is anxious, it’s just how anxiety works.
I agree Virgo and Libra isn’t an ideal match but here we are. Outside of his anxiety and insecurity that is a trigger for it we do fine and are on the same page.
An example is I have a work event in which my own daughter is coming. He has fears I will drink, flirt and hook up with someone at said event.
None of it comes from reality or is a reflection of my behaviors or this event. I’m doing face painting for kids lol.
That’s how anxiety and intrusive thoughts work. There isn’t enough reassurance in the world, he needs CBT therapy and to work on processing his past stuff. I need to stay calm, and give him space and continue to show my commitment and care while he heals.
Ok, how do you respond to his anxiety in this particular scenario? With Virgo's overthinking capabilities only thing that can get them out of their head is shaking them with reality? You don't say: "no, I would never do that, you know me"...you say: "you do realize this face painting event for kids right? And where would I even get that drink from?" You need to paint a picture in his head so he can realize he's being unrealistic about it. BUT, this all only if you're really ready to go through that over and over with someone like that. I honestly wouldn't because it just sounds like too much work. I didn't try to say ut's your fault for not trying harder, in case it came out that way, I wanted to say what sometimes creates those scenarios in your 2 signs in particular is entirely different approach to emotions. My bf is a Virgo and his mom is Libra. From what I've known them so far, I know how they respond to emotions. Her way is to shut down until it goes away and his way is to talk everything to the tiniest little detail. Libra doesn't have patience for not even the part of the details Virgo goes to (which btw can be excruciatingly long lasting) and that makes a big gap between signs in understanding each other. So it can be hard to work on that part because that's something people can't change about themselves and others have to adopt to it. Main point is that you understand his approach and he understands yours, without that, it can't work.
My response is direct, I state the reason I’m going, the agenda and timeline. Then followed it up with an option to manage the anxiety.
But ultimately it’s not something I can magically fix, and he didn’t want to discuss it endlessly.
I do not dismiss, but I also know that chasing him to reassure isn’t working. It’s anxiety not based in reality.
And the reason I am willing to work through this is because our relationship is built on strong compatibility, deep respect and love and the same life long and relationship vision for our future. This isn’t just fun, we are building a new family. Which we are in harmony as we work through implementing these changes.
Just sometimes you gotta manage the shit too. No one is perfect.
He's probably projecting behavior of his ex that lead into her cheating on him which is why he freaks out at slightest hint of things arranging in a direction that could lead to that, despite it only being in his head. Also despite the fact that Virgos are often loners and perfectly capable of being alone...they have deep fear of abandonment in general, that is something I noticed. It's like two persons inside them are fighting, one wants no compromise with another person and wants to just be left alone and mind their business, while the other is desperate for companionship and willing to do ANYTHING not to be abandoned. Ofc relationships need to be worked on to be successful, but there is a line where it becomes just work and no fun so it's important not to cross that line.click to expand
Posted by Jade_AlexanderI have done therapy as well. You said he is in therapy. You desperately need him to stop his detrimental behavior.Posted by Walk_on_by
Can we break this down a into something base and simple.
Let's take away all of your prior knowledge of his issues and just look at what happens in the moments that he's getting anxiety going on.
What is happening, what is he doing, his actions, his tone, his vibe.
How does he approach you and communicate with you. How does he approach your children in these moments.
How do you feel about it in the moment, without making any rationalization for it. How does your primal brain/body feel and respond?
How has this escalated over a period of time?
He is never ever aggressive with me or the kids. He doesn’t yell, or raise his voice.
He simply is having an anxiety attack over relationship issues, often triggered by a random comment or incident and it escalates in his head into a catastrophic thought.
It usually comes when he’s have situational stressors elsewhere but he fixates on us.
It’s triggers my abandonment and self worth because I worry he’s going to leave so I tend to met his anxiety with my own. Usually that eats up a portion of my mental and emotional energy until that cycle calms (72 hours seems to be how long both our CNS needs to regulate again).
Some themes I feel are: fear of abandonment, shame because I didn’t do something ‘right’, and my self worth if I’m lovable.
Then I chase while he is trying to calm, and re trigger the cycle. I’m working on stoping that and allowing it to naturally get to normal.
I have never worried for my safety or been threatened. It’s just that he has an anxiety attack out of the blue and suddenly he’s IN it. He’s never shown a hint of anger at me or the kids. In person he is just holding back tears and speaks to his fear.click to expand
If he was doing cognitive behavioral therapy you could put your foot down and demand that he does
something like an abc analysis. At the same time this is the exactly the point, where his therapy should
reel him and go to work. I dont know if your libra nature is uncomfortable with this, you would have to both
put your foot down but also say this is exactly why you go to therapy. So either the therapist gives tools
and works on those exact trigger words, or you have to prioritize your children over him. Maybe you
should involve the therapist in the confrontation, because the therapist can handle if that confrontation
triggers his fear of abandonment/other issues.
On a sidenote: I liked Video killed the radio guy. In traumatherapy they literally make you spell out the difference
between a situation/person in the past and person/situation in the present. In trauma you have to do it,
deliberately.
Posted by Jade_AlexanderJust be mindful of that timelinePosted by SagicornPosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by SagicornPosted by Jade_AlexanderPosted by Sagicorn
Honestly, imo from observing people around me, Virgo and Libra are a poor emotional match. Libra is incapable of reassurance that Virgos need badly sometimes and yours seems to need it even more given the fact what he's been through. I think you're looking at this from wrong perspective and you might be fueling his insecurities. He's only looking for reassurance and when you don't provide that it escalates to the chaos in his head. And I know Libras provide no reassurance most of the time. If I read it well, you're a Libra, not a Scorpio? I think you could actually easily calm him down with softer and more reassuring approach but for whatever reason you don't want to do that and instead choose therapy. I don't think he needs therapy for relationship, at least not yet. Hell, I actually believe that when you need a therapy for a relationship at all you should just end it. It's not supposed to be that hard
This is wildly inaccurate for how therapy works in relationships and why we chose it.
My reassurance is not effective when someone is anxious, it’s just how anxiety works.
I agree Virgo and Libra isn’t an ideal match but here we are. Outside of his anxiety and insecurity that is a trigger for it we do fine and are on the same page.
An example is I have a work event in which my own daughter is coming. He has fears I will drink, flirt and hook up with someone at said event.
None of it comes from reality or is a reflection of my behaviors or this event. I’m doing face painting for kids lol.
That’s how anxiety and intrusive thoughts work. There isn’t enough reassurance in the world, he needs CBT therapy and to work on processing his past stuff. I need to stay calm, and give him space and continue to show my commitment and care while he heals.
Ok, how do you respond to his anxiety in this particular scenario? With Virgo's overthinking capabilities only thing that can get them out of their head is shaking them with reality? You don't say: "no, I would never do that, you know me"...you say: "you do realize this face painting event for kids right? And where would I even get that drink from?" You need to paint a picture in his head so he can realize he's being unrealistic about it. BUT, this all only if you're really ready to go through that over and over with someone like that. I honestly wouldn't because it just sounds like too much work. I didn't try to say ut's your fault for not trying harder, in case it came out that way, I wanted to say what sometimes creates those scenarios in your 2 signs in particular is entirely different approach to emotions. My bf is a Virgo and his mom is Libra. From what I've known them so far, I know how they respond to emotions. Her way is to shut down until it goes away and his way is to talk everything to the tiniest little detail. Libra doesn't have patience for not even the part of the details Virgo goes to (which btw can be excruciatingly long lasting) and that makes a big gap between signs in understanding each other. So it can be hard to work on that part because that's something people can't change about themselves and others have to adopt to it. Main point is that you understand his approach and he understands yours, without that, it can't work.
My response is direct, I state the reason I’m going, the agenda and timeline. Then followed it up with an option to manage the anxiety.
But ultimately it’s not something I can magically fix, and he didn’t want to discuss it endlessly.
I do not dismiss, but I also know that chasing him to reassure isn’t working. It’s anxiety not based in reality.
And the reason I am willing to work through this is because our relationship is built on strong compatibility, deep respect and love and the same life long and relationship vision for our future. This isn’t just fun, we are building a new family. Which we are in harmony as we work through implementing these changes.
Just sometimes you gotta manage the shit too. No one is perfect.
He's probably projecting behavior of his ex that lead into her cheating on him which is why he freaks out at slightest hint of things arranging in a direction that could lead to that, despite it only being in his head. Also despite the fact that Virgos are often loners and perfectly capable of being alone...they have deep fear of abandonment in general, that is something I noticed. It's like two persons inside them are fighting, one wants no compromise with another person and wants to just be left alone and mind their business, while the other is desperate for companionship and willing to do ANYTHING not to be abandoned. Ofc relationships need to be worked on to be successful, but there is a line where it becomes just work and no fun so it's important not to cross that line.
click to expand
We both agreed a few months of hard work is worth it for the life time of fun.click to expand
A man with serious issues in my experience doesn’t heal within a few months, if at all.
You deserve some fun after all the trauma life’s thrown at you Jade.
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