Insulting Propositions, teach me how to deal with
This topic was created in the Relationships forum by sweethearts on Thursday, April 30, 2009 and has 20 replies.
So lately I've had a few propositions which I find rather insulting!!!
One of which, I was out with a male friend and we bumped into a group of guys that I hang out with, normally when I'm with my girl friend. It is a dance bar so yes guys are there looking for hook ups, we on the other hand are looking for a night of dancing and because we know this bunch of guys feel safe in this group and enjoy hanging and dancing with them.
Of course it's not the ideal place to find a potential partner but like most girls we want to dance and have a few drinks etc. So I introduced my friend and we are all dancing together and chatting practically on the dance floor all night. Then one of the guys in my group asked if he could take me home! At first I thought he was referring the conversation to someone on the dancefloor and making comment as we all were to "the lonely/drunks" looking for a pick up...But then I said are you commenting about her or are you asking ME a question??? To which he said "can I take you home?" I looked at him rather strange and annoyed and said "No I have my own car and will be driving myself"
This guy had been there a couple of weeks ago and had left early with another girl.
The second: My teenage daughters friends father popped over to come and pick up his daughters wallet and camera which she had left here in the weekend, i have only just met this guy and spoken to him a couple of times in my home. So I invite him in as I go to look for her things. We are standing in the kitchen discussing our children and then he starts telling me about how he use to have affairs before he moved here because his wife doesn't give him sex and suggests dicreetly that he's looking for someone to have sex with "No strings" I'm gob smacked and my mind is racing as I'm trying to process whether in fact he's asking me! He also says do I know of anyone open to this!
Anyway i just calmly say, some people are into that and if it was just sex most woman can get that anywhere but me and my girlfriends are not into that especially with a married man!!!
OK so, a little about me. I'm a good looking woman and dress quite lady like. Always have dressed quite conservatively and men use to be a little apprehensive of approaching me. Which use to be great because then they were quite genuine if they did. I very rarely look someone in the eye unless we are in conversation and dont pay any attention to stares or those blatant comments as you walk by.
One of which, I was out with a male friend and we bumped into a group of guys that I hang out with, normally when I'm with my girl friend. It is a dance bar so yes guys are there looking for hook ups, we on the other hand are looking for a night of dancing and because we know this bunch of guys feel safe in this group and enjoy hanging and dancing with them.
Of course it's not the ideal place to find a potential partner but like most girls we want to dance and have a few drinks etc. So I introduced my friend and we are all dancing together and chatting practically on the dance floor all night. Then one of the guys in my group asked if he could take me home! At first I thought he was referring the conversation to someone on the dancefloor and making comment as we all were to "the lonely/drunks" looking for a pick up...But then I said are you commenting about her or are you asking ME a question??? To which he said "can I take you home?" I looked at him rather strange and annoyed and said "No I have my own car and will be driving myself"
This guy had been there a couple of weeks ago and had left early with another girl.
The second: My teenage daughters friends father popped over to come and pick up his daughters wallet and camera which she had left here in the weekend, i have only just met this guy and spoken to him a couple of times in my home. So I invite him in as I go to look for her things. We are standing in the kitchen discussing our children and then he starts telling me about how he use to have affairs before he moved here because his wife doesn't give him sex and suggests dicreetly that he's looking for someone to have sex with "No strings" I'm gob smacked and my mind is racing as I'm trying to process whether in fact he's asking me! He also says do I know of anyone open to this!
Anyway i just calmly say, some people are into that and if it was just sex most woman can get that anywhere but me and my girlfriends are not into that especially with a married man!!!
OK so, a little about me. I'm a good looking woman and dress quite lady like. Always have dressed quite conservatively and men use to be a little apprehensive of approaching me. Which use to be great because then they were quite genuine if they did. I very rarely look someone in the eye unless we are in conversation and dont pay any attention to stares or those blatant comments as you walk by.
So now I feel that guys are just throwing it out there all the time as they have never done before because alot of the time they are getting results.
i need advice on how to be more assertive. I'm libran and really find it hard to cuttingly tell someone to "fuck off" Oh i really feel like it alot of the time lately but I always end up dancing around and being polite... I kick myself afterwards because I feel really INSULTED & BELITTLED by these propositions.
How do answer back and maintain my lady like composure? It really is important to me to be able to reply with dignity.
i need advice on how to be more assertive. I'm libran and really find it hard to cuttingly tell someone to "fuck off" Oh i really feel like it alot of the time lately but I always end up dancing around and being polite... I kick myself afterwards because I feel really INSULTED & BELITTLED by these propositions.
How do answer back and maintain my lady like composure? It really is important to me to be able to reply with dignity.
Well there must be a vibe you're giving off... perhaps your dress style is the kind that makes men think of the sexy secretary?? Though I think you're right, men are getting more desperate! You sound very like me, and I've found the best thing is simply to see it as them trying their luck randomly, nothing personally, like scattering bait onto a river and seeing what bites.
That makes it feel less personal. Then there's no need to tell them to fuck off, just look them in the eye and say, "You've got the wrong person here."
Or, "Really? I've never gone in for that kind of thing."
That's all it takes, honestly. Just one calm sentence, delivered in a way that makes it clear you're not offended but you do think they're rather out of order and immature. No need to be nasty, they're just different from you!
All the best. SAV x
That makes it feel less personal. Then there's no need to tell them to fuck off, just look them in the eye and say, "You've got the wrong person here."
Or, "Really? I've never gone in for that kind of thing."
That's all it takes, honestly. Just one calm sentence, delivered in a way that makes it clear you're not offended but you do think they're rather out of order and immature. No need to be nasty, they're just different from you!
All the best. SAV x
Hmmmm... well you said fuck off wasn't an option. I use that sometimes. Depends on my mood 
In all seriousness Sweehearts... the guy at the club... this is what I would have said....
Him: "Can I take you home?"
You: *Look him up and down then to his face say "Nope sorry. You don't look like you can handle me" Then walk off. If he approached again say "That wasn't a challenge genius I was insulting you". Smile and walk off.
I'm a smartass though but just a suggestion. A simple "no" and ignoring him for the rest of the night would work too.
The second guy (creepy BTW) When he gave you the sob story I'd have just gave him a "look" and said "Sorry I'm not into that sort of thing. Best of luck with that". *shrug*
Keep it short simple and sweet. They get the hint if you speak up
In all seriousness Sweehearts... the guy at the club... this is what I would have said....
Him: "Can I take you home?"
You: *Look him up and down then to his face say "Nope sorry. You don't look like you can handle me" Then walk off. If he approached again say "That wasn't a challenge genius I was insulting you". Smile and walk off.
I'm a smartass though but just a suggestion. A simple "no" and ignoring him for the rest of the night would work too.
The second guy (creepy BTW) When he gave you the sob story I'd have just gave him a "look" and said "Sorry I'm not into that sort of thing. Best of luck with that". *shrug*
Keep it short simple and sweet. They get the hint if you speak up
@ SAV,
I was starting to wonder if it was in fact a vibe i was now giving off. As I said I've always had a more conservative vibe and generally guys dont approach me unless I'm giving out those vibes that say it's ok you can come and talk...but lately these insults. I understand if I'm in a club, then maybe anyone is a target and I just ignore most advances unless they are gentleman about it.
the best thing is simply to see it as them trying their luck randomly, nothing personally, like scattering bait onto a river and seeing what bites.
I hear you and normally look at it in that way too but I guess I'm annoyed because both these guys were suppose to be I feel more respectful because I knew them personally.
@ Ging,
I really didnt expect him to ask so was shocked which is why I said "are you asking me a question or making a comment?" Sometimes i aint that quick off the mark I guess, normally I have a smart arse answer for a lot of things but not when it comes to rejecting guys. I need to learn to not think about how they would feel because they certainly dont care how I feel about their propositions!
And yeah the 2nd guy was creepy!!! That blew me away, if he pops over again for any reason he certainly wont be invited in. In fact I know I need to tell him that he isnt welcome here at all. I think he got the hint today as he didnt stay much longer after I said my friends and I didnt go for married men!
I do think that I need to be more assertive like the rest of them and just tell them to fuck off!! I just dont want to come down to their level... thanks Guys
I was starting to wonder if it was in fact a vibe i was now giving off. As I said I've always had a more conservative vibe and generally guys dont approach me unless I'm giving out those vibes that say it's ok you can come and talk...but lately these insults. I understand if I'm in a club, then maybe anyone is a target and I just ignore most advances unless they are gentleman about it.
the best thing is simply to see it as them trying their luck randomly, nothing personally, like scattering bait onto a river and seeing what bites.
I hear you and normally look at it in that way too but I guess I'm annoyed because both these guys were suppose to be I feel more respectful because I knew them personally.
@ Ging,
I really didnt expect him to ask so was shocked which is why I said "are you asking me a question or making a comment?" Sometimes i aint that quick off the mark I guess, normally I have a smart arse answer for a lot of things but not when it comes to rejecting guys. I need to learn to not think about how they would feel because they certainly dont care how I feel about their propositions!
And yeah the 2nd guy was creepy!!! That blew me away, if he pops over again for any reason he certainly wont be invited in. In fact I know I need to tell him that he isnt welcome here at all. I think he got the hint today as he didnt stay much longer after I said my friends and I didnt go for married men!
I do think that I need to be more assertive like the rest of them and just tell them to fuck off!! I just dont want to come down to their level... thanks Guys
You know them personally?? Oy! Btw I didn't mean the vibe thing to sound accusing!
Well if you know them, then yeah, just say, "What the hell are you doing?" And give them a bright smile before walking off. They won't know quite where they stand. I agree, if you enter into banter that's a turn-on for some guys.
Well if you know them, then yeah, just say, "What the hell are you doing?" And give them a bright smile before walking off. They won't know quite where they stand. I agree, if you enter into banter that's a turn-on for some guys.
Yeah I wouldn't call them friends...rather acquaintances. Yep the "What the hell are you doing" is exactly how I felt!
Hey no offence taken, If I was in fact giving off that type of vibe, I'd change as I dont like sleezy attention.
Too much sass...men like anything these days, they dont take hints very well and I've even blantantly said NO and to no avail. Even when there is another guy around they still come up and try their luck. Once upon a time if there was another man around then you got left alone!
I know some of it is that we are in a dance bar but there isn't much choice when you want to go out with your friends have dinner and then dance and have a few drinks apart from night clubs and we dont get hassled so much there but probably because the kids are half our age.
I may have to resort to quietly teling them to FUCK OFF!!! I can still hold my composure if I'm discreet.lol
Hey no offence taken, If I was in fact giving off that type of vibe, I'd change as I dont like sleezy attention.
Too much sass...men like anything these days, they dont take hints very well and I've even blantantly said NO and to no avail. Even when there is another guy around they still come up and try their luck. Once upon a time if there was another man around then you got left alone!
I know some of it is that we are in a dance bar but there isn't much choice when you want to go out with your friends have dinner and then dance and have a few drinks apart from night clubs and we dont get hassled so much there but probably because the kids are half our age.
I may have to resort to quietly teling them to FUCK OFF!!! I can still hold my composure if I'm discreet.lol
"lol Ginger. Be careful with too much sass though. It might be counterproductive, b/c some men love that stuff and come back for more."
Yeah that happens sometimes. LOL When I'm out and feeling good and super sassy I just pop something off at the mouth and it seems to encourage the braver of men. It's when I REALLY want to be left alone is when I just tell them to take a hike and mean it. They don't bother me again.
It is all about the body language and eye contact. If I don't want anyone bothering me I won't even look at them. I talk with my eyes alot. I have some down right evil expressions that would scare the devil away.
Yeah that happens sometimes. LOL When I'm out and feeling good and super sassy I just pop something off at the mouth and it seems to encourage the braver of men.
It's when I REALLY want to be left alone is when I just tell them to take a hike and mean it. They don't bother me again.It is all about the body language and eye contact. If I don't want anyone bothering me I won't even look at them. I talk with my eyes alot. I have some down right evil expressions that would scare the devil away.
I think she already mentioned that she doesn't mae eye contact though..?
Of course if they were drunk, that's a different matter. Still insulting, I agree, but you probably weren't the only target.
If you know them a little, you could always quietly say one day, "By the way, I really don't appreciate men I don't fancy coming onto me, especially married ones..."
Or just ignore them completely...
Of course if they were drunk, that's a different matter. Still insulting, I agree, but you probably weren't the only target.
If you know them a little, you could always quietly say one day, "By the way, I really don't appreciate men I don't fancy coming onto me, especially married ones..."
Or just ignore them completely...
Hahahahaaaaa!! LOVE it!!!!!
I'm unclear why a response has to be 1. smartass, which makes him think you're a bitch, 2. evasive, which makes him think he might have a chance since it signals weakness to him that you can't stand your ground, 3. tell him to fuck off, which only shows him that it doesn't take much to anger/offend you, so if he's bored, he'd know where to get his jollies.
I mean ... what the fuck is all that ^^^^^ about? It's just playing .. I guess for the sake of it.
Why not just say the truth?
Him: Can I take you home?
You: A hard confident/self-assured stare, "No" ..... no cockiness, no smiles, no sarcasm .. rather pure dignity of self in knowing you don't want to be asked this question. If you have any reaction at all, it could be the momentary raising of eyebrows just before the "no", to show him your disapproval of the question.
To present to him some sort of challenge, like what has been mentioned, is only in place to play some sort of game with him ... ok, so "when" he approaches, it is your opportunity to insult him back?
wtf? Why be a bitch? For what purpose?
If you want a man to respect you, then respect yourself.
I mean ... what the fuck is all that ^^^^^ about? It's just playing .. I guess for the sake of it.
Why not just say the truth?
Him: Can I take you home?
You: A hard confident/self-assured stare, "No" ..... no cockiness, no smiles, no sarcasm .. rather pure dignity of self in knowing you don't want to be asked this question. If you have any reaction at all, it could be the momentary raising of eyebrows just before the "no", to show him your disapproval of the question.
To present to him some sort of challenge, like what has been mentioned, is only in place to play some sort of game with him ... ok, so "when" he approaches, it is your opportunity to insult him back?
wtf? Why be a bitch? For what purpose?
If you want a man to respect you, then respect yourself.
I think you said exactly what you should have.
"No thanks, I drove myself."
You knew what he was insinuating, but you barely even responded to his sleaziness. You just let him know honestly it wasn't happening.
I wouldn't take it personally that he asked you in the first. Seriously, close to 90% of the men you'll meet in clubs are predators. Lol.....
Alot of women like you just go to dance and have a good time with their friends...but basically all men go with other questionable intentions. You're classy, don't sweat it.
"No thanks, I drove myself."
You knew what he was insinuating, but you barely even responded to his sleaziness. You just let him know honestly it wasn't happening.
I wouldn't take it personally that he asked you in the first. Seriously, close to 90% of the men you'll meet in clubs are predators. Lol.....
Alot of women like you just go to dance and have a good time with their friends...but basically all men go with other questionable intentions. You're classy, don't sweat it.
I agree with PA on the straightforward response ... I would use a simple NO to the first guy and 'GOOD LUCK WITH FINDING THE WOMAN' and just excuse myself but as a Libra, straightforwardness seems to not be so easy - I know a few with same issue as you. Simply put, you are what you are, if you are not into the suggestion or don't want it to bother you, nip it in the bud fast... the longer you think about a response, or the more words you add to the matter, the more hope you're throwing to the dude.
Thanks guys, great advice and I will remain true to myself and my reactions of ignorance or being quite frank. I guess I was just starting to doubt myself and whether I was putting across a different vibe to why I was getting these propositions of late. Typical Libran huh?
And Welcome back P
And Welcome back P
"LOL When I'm out and feeling good and super sassy I just pop something off at the mouth and it seems to encourage the braver of men. "
All this talk getting you in the mood Ging?
All this talk getting you in the mood Ging?
Eh... I never claimed to be a saint afterall I am a ......... Scorpio!!! I can be a real bitch sometimes. I'll never deny that. I'm pretty good at being a smart ass when the occasion calls for it. I can never resist a good burn if a guy is being a horny toad jerk.
That's just me.
"All this talk getting you in the mood Ging?"
LOL... maybe. I got a good man at home that happens to like my sassy mouth
That's just me.
"All this talk getting you in the mood Ging?"
LOL... maybe. I got a good man at home that happens to like my sassy mouth
Say no and to fk off? How is this hard?
Simple fact - Sweethearts must be one HAWWWWT mama ;x hehe
No really - I agree with the majority of the thread. Don't be a bey0tch.... but be assertive.
I myself have this sometimes. (wow that doesn't sound conceited huh?; ah well whatever lol) But seriously... it happens to a lot of us. Men are just gross sometimes. Also, I'm sure that you have considered the source right? I bet that none of these men are respectable, well presented, well-mannered induviduals.
What sort of trash blatantly asks a woman to go home with him? What a lack of respect! It's nerve wracking enough being a single woman out on a Saturday night these days. What with the pressure of being 'bright; open; available', all the while not looking too slutty, not too conservative.... not desperate, but not too independant.
You can't be too pretty. You can't be too ugly. You can't make more money. You have to be self sufficient.
EFF THAT.
I say stick to your guns. Tell him with class and dignity. You ARE the best woman in that room; too bad he didn't have enough proper upbringing and respect to catch your attention the RIGHT way
No really - I agree with the majority of the thread. Don't be a bey0tch.... but be assertive.
I myself have this sometimes. (wow that doesn't sound conceited huh?; ah well whatever lol) But seriously... it happens to a lot of us. Men are just gross sometimes. Also, I'm sure that you have considered the source right? I bet that none of these men are respectable, well presented, well-mannered induviduals.
What sort of trash blatantly asks a woman to go home with him? What a lack of respect! It's nerve wracking enough being a single woman out on a Saturday night these days. What with the pressure of being 'bright; open; available', all the while not looking too slutty, not too conservative.... not desperate, but not too independant.
You can't be too pretty. You can't be too ugly. You can't make more money. You have to be self sufficient.
EFF THAT.
I say stick to your guns. Tell him with class and dignity. You ARE the best woman in that room; too bad he didn't have enough proper upbringing and respect to catch your attention the RIGHT way
.......doubt that you are giving off the vibes that you dont want, if the attention that you are getting is not what you want...soooo, dont think that it is anything that you are doing...and dont doubt yourself miss libra...i know how that it!! and i also know why you dont know how to address it...because you werent looking for that kind of attention to begin with and when you got it,
it threw you off for a bit, and also you dont like to be rude or hurt other's feelings...right?!?!??!
@Dreamweaver because ^^^^^^^ is me to a "T"
I've been thinking and when someone comes in with a flattering remark to just come back with, thanks but what do you expect to get from that?
And when someone offers to pay for my drink (I dont like men paying esp if I dont know them) do you still want to pay if I have no intention of talking to you?
GEEZ I know it sounds rehearsed but these are the 2 most common occurances, sometimes they are drunk and sometimes they are just old and forward (generally the ones that offer to buy because they think that's the way to get to talk to you)
@SD What sort of trash blatantly asks a woman to go home with him? What a lack of respect!
This is what upsets me, I know I shouldn't make it about me but I find it HIGHLY OFFENSIVE that a guy looks and trys to treat me like this!
And I think it calls for ME being a little MORE Agressive in the above situations!
it threw you off for a bit, and also you dont like to be rude or hurt other's feelings...right?!?!??!
@Dreamweaver because ^^^^^^^ is me to a "T"
I've been thinking and when someone comes in with a flattering remark to just come back with, thanks but what do you expect to get from that?
And when someone offers to pay for my drink (I dont like men paying esp if I dont know them) do you still want to pay if I have no intention of talking to you?
GEEZ I know it sounds rehearsed but these are the 2 most common occurances, sometimes they are drunk and sometimes they are just old and forward (generally the ones that offer to buy because they think that's the way to get to talk to you)
@SD What sort of trash blatantly asks a woman to go home with him? What a lack of respect!
This is what upsets me, I know I shouldn't make it about me but I find it HIGHLY OFFENSIVE that a guy looks and trys to treat me like this!
And I think it calls for ME being a little MORE Agressive in the above situations!
It shouldn't offend you...men are pigs sometimes. There's nothing you can do to change that, really.
I think you should just be very matter-of-fact. Forget hurting their feelings. They didn't consider yours.
I think you should just be very matter-of-fact. Forget hurting their feelings. They didn't consider yours.
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