Is writing a letter for closure worth it?

This topic was created in the Relationships forum by christinelovessnickers on Sunday, June 16, 2013 and has 22 replies.
Is it worth writing a letter for closure and give it to someone? The purpose wouldn't be for their response, but just for the sake of trying to feel like you aren't misunderstood.
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Write it and then throw it away. From my experience, giving it to the person just opens up another set of issues. They will see what they want to see.
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Haha Cc. I actually left this time, but apart of me is thinking that maybe i am just being impatient. I know we care for each other, but how long is too long to wait? What I have written is just more or less touching on things I either didn't say or couldn't at the time. No blaming, just my perceptions of things. And hopefully, maybe better understanding for the other person if they decide to read it. If not, oh well, at least I made the attempt.
Tiziani, you mean it didn't solve anything for you or with the issues?
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Wateryram I never thought about issues arising from it. What kind of letters were they?
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No. Letters never work. Write the letters for yourself. Don't send them. They could trigger issues in someone who doesn't want to speak to you write now. Give them some space and time.
Write the letters if you must, but don't send them. Letters don't solve life problems.
I only had two men in the past who responded in anyway to discussions about breakups or potential breakups or space or a break...whatever you want to call them or how they're defined by the two people in the relationship. One was a Leo male, and the other was a Gemini male.
The Leo and I played the breakup/get-together dance as a regular part of the relationship smile It was kinda fun. We were young and he changed his major from Math to Theatre, then back to Math again. We were just never meant to get married. It was a part of my college experience and no regrets there.
The Gemini also refused to let go because he wanted to analyze everything, but eventually we did break-up because our needs were better met elsewhere in the long run.
The letters can get very personal, and this person does not want to be touched by you right now. Better off writing the letter and not sending, or turning it into a story or poem in my opinion. But I suppose, you could base your decision on sign and the relationship itself. Just never seems to be a good idea for most in my experience.
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Posted by christinelovessnickers
Is it worth writing a letter for closure and give it to someone? The purpose wouldn't be for their response, but just for the sake of trying to feel like you aren't misunderstood.




If the person had an interest in actually understanding you .... then you wouldn't be in the position you are currently in.
I'm unclear why you make the insinuation that it's the other persons closure that will be gained .... when in reality, you want it for yourself.

be real .... or gtfo
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P angel, I never said it was for the other person's benefit. Obviously it is for mine if I feel misunderstood. Who knows, maybe I haven't been, but just feel that way.
Capilady, he didn't leave, i did. I couldn't finish our conversation without getting emotional so I got off the phone. I just feel like there are some things I want to get off my chest without having to attempt to hold in my emotions the whole time.
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Having experienced lettering writing in my past, simply a waste of time and effort, more often that not whatever connection there ever were to exist have been but demolished already. The last say, gets no one anywhere, pouring out ones emotions in words, why such necessity? If the man understood you to begin with, without having been rid with misunderstandings and miscommunication, it would never have reached such a point. Save yourself from putting yourself naked and exposed upon a table for another to hack away at, it actually does get pathetic, depending upon how badly the relationship had deteriorated.
Letter writing is worthwhile if you wrote it for yourself and yourself only, to burn after one is finish. One could suppose this as a symbolic means for one to close a chapter that requires closing, a means to help yourself to move on. In life, there are some things better left unsaid than said.
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I'm a huge advocate of letter writing, and I would give it to them. However, I would give it to that person, with zero expectations and for the sole purpose of communicating my feelings and why I did the things I did, or didn't do them.
I've done this with friends or ex's. Sometimes people will respond, sometimes they don't. I always am sure to let them know that this letter isn't for a response or reaction from them, but rather a means for them to understand what goes/went on behind the person, that I perhaps was not able to express very well verbally.
I do this, because I would love for someone to write me a letter like this. A lot of times, I don't want to fix or change someone or something... I just want to understand it.
I went to coupled therapy with my ex... we had lived together for 6 years, and I just didn't get or understand where a lot of the things he did or didn't do were coming from. In therapy, he was asked a question, and his response... it made things clear for me. Oh... this is why he reacts that way! Now, that makes perfect sense. Do I still think he's a prick, yes, but I was able to empathize, rather then resent him for that action.
People can take from the letter what they will. So long as it is a letter of good intentions, and you aren't pointing any fingers or asking for anything... there is no harm. That person can read it, and learn from it... perhaps take what they've learned to their next encounter. Or they can not read it at all.
Does it matter really? As long as you wrote it, you did your part to make peace for yourself in your mind and heart. I find that you also learn and sometimes process things better in writing these letters.
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Yes, but I wouldn't give it to them. I would write it and then discard it.
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I figured giving it would be questionable. I have written one to get stuff off of my chest that I had been holding in...the letter was just a way so I could say what I felt I wanted/ needed to say without having to speak with him.our communication is fine in the sense that we listen to each other and honest (to the best of my knowledge), but I have realized that the way we view things are completely different at times. May come to the same conclusion, but down different paths.
I haven't given it. Probably won't. Just wanted other people's opinion on the matter lol.
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If you really cared about that person then yes. You deserve it. smile
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I hate it when people get preachy on treads like they're the authority. I thought the point is to share YOUR experience to help them learn not just tell them what you think without building any foundation based in personal experience. *sorry, bout the negativity but sometimes I just gotta vent*
Speaking of venting I've wrote letters, well messages, to some of my exes in order to do just that. One time I wrote a letter apologizing for what what I had done to an ex. She replied and that was that. no communication for years but at least I felt things were more settled between us.
I wrote letters to my last ex after we broke up. Pretty much bore my soul and was hoping to get a similar kind of response but never did. This happened twice. Her excuse was that she didn't know what to say _???. So frustrating! She was two years younger than me though and still inexperienced. The second letter I wrote to her I knew she wouldn't respond. And I just put it out there again. Still hoped to get something back but didn't. Nevertheless, each time made me feel a little better by just getting some of that stuff out that is hard if not impossible to say in person. Maybe it's a bad habit of mine but I don't really care. Screw 'em and the world. there's no 'right way'. Just follow your heart. If they can't hang, screw 'em. Just be sure not to put anything incriminating or something that can be used against you in the future. If I could take back any of the letters I don't think I would.
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If it helps you move on and put the thought of this person to rest, then yes. If you are doing it hoping to get a reaction or have expectations of the recipient, then no. If it is truly for what's stated in the OP ("to feel like you aren't misunderstood"), I would ask why do you care if they understand you or not? Haven't you moved on? If they didn't understand you when you were together, how is a letter going to change that?
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Posted by ScorpntheH2Oest91
there's no 'right way'. Just follow your heart. If they can't hang, screw 'em. Just be sure not to put anything incriminating or something that can be used against you in the future. If I could take back any of the letters I don't think I would.


I agree. I don't find it to be selfish in my experience. Just because you give them the letter, doesn't meant they have to read it, they can throw it away for all I care. The point is, you gave them the letter, and you gave them the option to read it if they would like. Like the post above, you won't always get the response you desire. I poured my heart out in a letter, it took me 3 days to write it, and the reponse I got was via text, thanks for the letter, you are way too nice to me and I don't do half as much for you as you do for me". A part of me was bummed, because I was thinking "thats all you got" but for the most part, I was just stoked that that person read it, and knows whats going on in the head and heart of mine, since I most likely am extremely hard to read.
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I write often. But never release or let the person read it. I write for me and me alone. I did write a guy a letter once. Back when I was young and naive and my first boyfriend broke up with me and I thought my world would end (ha!) I wrote him many letters. I gave him one just one thick one (I swear it was like 19 pages). but the rest that I wrote I kept. Somewhere in my pile of journals they are there. I was pouring out my heart in them.
I am glad I kept them. We broke up during the time my died. I read those and see how I was writing about my father in them. It helped me mourn.. the loss of both.
Once I got laid again, I got over the boyfriend quickly. Mourning my dad took a while longer.
That was over 22 year ago lol.
Today he is a Facebook friend.
Would I do that again - give a guy a letter I wrote? No! If he can't appreciate my words when I speak them, why should he get something penned.
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kquote>Posted by christinelovessnickers
Is it worth writing a letter for closure and give it to someone? The purpose wouldn't be for their response, but just for the sake of trying to feel like you aren't misunderstood.



Posted by christinelovessnickers
Obviously it is for mine if I feel misunderstood.

click to expand



I will say this again, because it's obvious that people have missed the whole point of you wanting to send the letter.

You feel you have been misunderstood, and so your intentions of sending a letter to this person is for purposes of him understanding where you are coming from.

Again .... if he had an interest in understanding you, then he would have, and you wouldn't be at this place.
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So, writing a letter to send him serves no purpose in you being understood.
It's a simple concept ... why do you find it so hard to grasp?

You do it for NO benefit, at all ... because that person will continue to not understand you because he doesn't want to know where you stand.

So, the reality is ... you just want to say the words = surface bullshit because you can't handle loving your depths all on your own.
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I'm all for it, as long as writing a letter isn't the way you actually break up with them. No matter what, that person atleast deserves to be told in person.
Besides some people express themselves best through writing
As long as the letter isn't mean, vicious or finger-pointing, I see nothing wrong with it though
Just always remember that alot of people keep letters & stuff like that long after the relationship ends & it's not a good feeling to them OR a good luck for you if the last thing they remember you for is for something cruel or insensitive.
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maybe
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Only if you are writing it and keeping it so you can laugh at your stupidity much much much later.
I say write it but dont send it, chances are the other person has checked out already.
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Plus remember, that person isn't even gonna believe that you wrote it without expecting some kind of internal reaction or response from them, anyways
Even if you said, "I'm just writing this moreso for ME," they're understandably gonna say well hell why didn't you just keep it for yourself?
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