Messing with my head?
This topic was created in the Relationships forum by sagittarian on Thursday, September 13, 2007 and has 6 replies.
I have these thoughts for this person for awhile. I think our chemistry is out of this world. Problem is- we are committed to other people. We have been together and around one another several times since meeting a year ago. Since reading all these forums- I am pretty sure that I am going to be hurt. He says that he cant let his feelings get involved. I say OK- but then he just does stuff like when we are out in public he will request a song that he had said I should listen to. Sexy song and then he sings it to me alot. I know he is attracted to me and I know he has thought about me for awhile. He says he dont want to hurt me but he does not want to get hurt. But alot of people have the potential of getting hurt. I know I am being selfish but I dont want to stop. I keep thinking I will just get tired of him. He asked me to call him while he is at work.I know you just end it and dont go around the places he goes. So what is wrong with me- why does he say stuff like like- if I(meaning him) was available and you were not- you would be because I would be all over you-or we're not going to say the "L" word but I like you very very much- so I say make like (not love) he says say it right "make love" or that he misses me- or think about me and when he kisses me it is very passionate. Why do guys say/do stuff like that to mess with our heads. I have told him him if you are just curious to see what I am like- lets just do it so you can move on. We just havent moved on. But I need some advice here...
My committed relationship- I dont know- he is a guy that any woman would die for-committed, personable, one great guy- I love him but I dont know. I cant imagine leaving him- he has been my heart for so long. I dont know- we have been together for 20 years. This other man- completely different-he is very passionate with me- he is dangerous. He brings out the devil in me to kinda put it mildly. I never thought about another man before this. Maybe I am bored or maybe I feel the need to be attractive to someone else. I dont know. This other person-dangerous- he is also committed to someone else- he has left her before- they have children together. He tells me such things like- I know this cant last forever. Not that it is her but that I would live thu any hell to be with my boys. Those were exact words. And then he will go straight into saying stuff like- I think about places we could be and things I'd like to do with you. and then he gives some romantic scenerio. He told me that we would not use the "L" word because his heart has to stay at home. I have not used it- he has. I have never seen a passion in someones love making or kisses as I have seen with him. Except when I met my mate. And my mate is a great lover too but the kissing is different. He tells me he thinks about me all the time. (the guy) I have told him that I respect how he feels about his kids and would not ask him to leave them because I could not do that. I do not use the "L" word and have told him that I am not sure what it is I feel toward him. In jest he will talk about leaving but I just never say anything because I dont want him to do that. I just want to be with him too and like the way he makes me feel. I dont know why I dont feel that way toward my mate- it is almost like I dont care. So what is wrong with me???
Sagattarian, I know exactly how you feel, and there's nothing wrong with you ..
Two things appear to be taking place ..
1. Unions aren't meant to be forever. They are only meant to be enjoyed and embraced to the fullest until we have experienced everything that brings our spirit higher. I truly believe that most people are under the impression that when they marry or make a committment with another person that they do so with the mind-set that this is "forever". That is the whole problem, then, once it's time for the experience to end and they are left feeling that because they feel for another that there is some kind of a betrayal. Eventhough, you are finding yourself with having to face that your experience with your mate is likely nearing an end .. that doesn't mean you still don't love him. A person can't spend 20 years with another and not have a very deep love for the other .. but, that doesn't mean that this love is suppose to be it .. just that, that's all you get and if these feelings don't remain in tact forever to the fullest then there's something wrong with you. That's crazy .. and a lot of people fall within this because they lead theirselves to believe that committment is suppose to be life-long.
2. This other man to you (and you to him) is likely just a feeling, and not really the person. It may appear as though it's the person, and maybe it is, but, most times that people are moving away from a relationship and they find another who sweeps them off their feet, they normally don't stay with this person .. rather, this person was a rock to hold onto while a split was made. Ask yourself this question: If your marriage was just as strong, and your feelings for your husband were the exact same way as they were 20 years ago, would this new man really be so fascinating? Or, he is just this fascinating because it's something different? Wild, dangerous, thrilling .. if your getting bored within your marriage, and we all do because they aren't supposed to be forever, then it's natural that what will get you excited will be completely different than what is boring you. This seems apparant with me when he says the things he does to you. You're new, fun, exhilerating, sexy .. you are bringing to him "something" that makes him feel alive again, and him to you. Can it go the distance, if circumstances were different? Maybe, but, for now, as with anybody new we meet .. it's the thrill of the attraction that stirs us.
Two things appear to be taking place ..
1. Unions aren't meant to be forever. They are only meant to be enjoyed and embraced to the fullest until we have experienced everything that brings our spirit higher. I truly believe that most people are under the impression that when they marry or make a committment with another person that they do so with the mind-set that this is "forever". That is the whole problem, then, once it's time for the experience to end and they are left feeling that because they feel for another that there is some kind of a betrayal. Eventhough, you are finding yourself with having to face that your experience with your mate is likely nearing an end .. that doesn't mean you still don't love him. A person can't spend 20 years with another and not have a very deep love for the other .. but, that doesn't mean that this love is suppose to be it .. just that, that's all you get and if these feelings don't remain in tact forever to the fullest then there's something wrong with you. That's crazy .. and a lot of people fall within this because they lead theirselves to believe that committment is suppose to be life-long.
2. This other man to you (and you to him) is likely just a feeling, and not really the person. It may appear as though it's the person, and maybe it is, but, most times that people are moving away from a relationship and they find another who sweeps them off their feet, they normally don't stay with this person .. rather, this person was a rock to hold onto while a split was made. Ask yourself this question: If your marriage was just as strong, and your feelings for your husband were the exact same way as they were 20 years ago, would this new man really be so fascinating? Or, he is just this fascinating because it's something different? Wild, dangerous, thrilling .. if your getting bored within your marriage, and we all do because they aren't supposed to be forever, then it's natural that what will get you excited will be completely different than what is boring you. This seems apparant with me when he says the things he does to you. You're new, fun, exhilerating, sexy .. you are bringing to him "something" that makes him feel alive again, and him to you. Can it go the distance, if circumstances were different? Maybe, but, for now, as with anybody new we meet .. it's the thrill of the attraction that stirs us.
If what you need is to feel free within this man's heart, even if it's confusing, even if it's uncertain .. if it makes you feel like your marriage is unsure in your feelings, then it can't be wrong for your own well-being. I don't condone having sex outside of marriage, but, sometimes people actually need the other in front of them for them to go to before making the break with the old.
And, even if this turns out to be nothing with this other man, it has opened a doorway for you to consider your feelings within your marriage from a different perspective.
And, even if this turns out to be nothing with this other man, it has opened a doorway for you to consider your feelings within your marriage from a different perspective.
here is another example of messing with my head- we had plans to be together today. He calls me yesterday and says we might have to change them because she will be coming home early. I say ok- he says how bout Mon or Tues? (Well I am busy then so I am not going to.) He said in the beginning that if we have to do things or cancel on each other not to take it personally because we will have to be understanding. I get mixed feelings about this. I think ok he is busy and I know for sure he is. He said she asks him a million questions when he does things. I said its because she does not trust you.. (like why should she?) I think he likes it when she tells him what to do. But why does he do these things that could cost him everything he has if he likes being told what to do. I dont understand. He works 3rd shift so he has to sleep during the day. I see him a 1 or 2 times a week not always for sex. He always says things to me like he cares for me. Just not sure what to make of the things he says. It almost like he likes teasing me. Today I feel like saying OK- lets go there cause I really want to go there with him- just scared of where he will go.
Sag .. my first post was regarding you .. here's what I think about his motives ...
He's wanting to keep you on the side for joy he finds with you in his life, but, likely doesn't have intentions to make any more out of it than what it is.
If he chooses to stay remain with his wife .. then you have no place in his life, except sloppy seconds. Naturally, he's going to say love things to you, and act sappy .. he wants to keep you there.
That may sound harsh and I don't mean to hurt you .. but, that's how I would process his intentions if I were in your position.
He's wanting to keep you on the side for joy he finds with you in his life, but, likely doesn't have intentions to make any more out of it than what it is.
If he chooses to stay remain with his wife .. then you have no place in his life, except sloppy seconds. Naturally, he's going to say love things to you, and act sappy .. he wants to keep you there.
That may sound harsh and I don't mean to hurt you .. but, that's how I would process his intentions if I were in your position.
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