Need some serious advice y'all.
This topic was created in the Relationships forum by koiya480 on Wednesday, December 26, 2007 and has 9 replies.
My friends and their dramas...uggh..I'm starting to feel like the Oprah of my community!
I'm posting this for yet another friend.
My friend Sarah has been dating this guy for three months now, and feelings are getting pretty serious. Not like marriage-serious yet, but they've been spending more and more time together and they aren't seeing other people.
The problem? Sarah gave birth to a baby boy when she was a teenager. She gave that baby up to her aunt and uncle to raise since she was unable to raise the child and the couple wanted a baby. Legally, her son is theirs. She's lucky enough to get to see and interact with the boy from time to time. They live in completely different states, so the interaction is rare.
So this child is not in Sarah's day-to-day life, but it is to some extent. She hasn't told her boyfriend about this child. I understand where she is coming from on that. It's not an easy thing to bring up in a conversation. She's wondering when should she tell him. Now? If he proposes marriage? After they get married? (assuming that things get that far).
I volunteered to tell him for her because she is too scared to tell him, but at the same time, I think he needs to hear it from her. Any suggestions on how to handle this?
I'm posting this for yet another friend.
My friend Sarah has been dating this guy for three months now, and feelings are getting pretty serious. Not like marriage-serious yet, but they've been spending more and more time together and they aren't seeing other people.
The problem? Sarah gave birth to a baby boy when she was a teenager. She gave that baby up to her aunt and uncle to raise since she was unable to raise the child and the couple wanted a baby. Legally, her son is theirs. She's lucky enough to get to see and interact with the boy from time to time. They live in completely different states, so the interaction is rare.
So this child is not in Sarah's day-to-day life, but it is to some extent. She hasn't told her boyfriend about this child. I understand where she is coming from on that. It's not an easy thing to bring up in a conversation. She's wondering when should she tell him. Now? If he proposes marriage? After they get married? (assuming that things get that far).
I volunteered to tell him for her because she is too scared to tell him, but at the same time, I think he needs to hear it from her. Any suggestions on how to handle this?
She kinda knew she's getting to the point where she should tell him but she just doesn't know how to bring it up and she's really scared of his reaction. He is a very nice guy though so I think she'll be ok.
She wants to know how she should bring this up. "Baby, I have something to tell you..." or "So I was talking to my son the other day..." or leave pictures of her son around one day and wait for her boyfriend to ask about it... lol, I wish I knew what to tell her. The poor thing is so nervous!
She wants to know how she should bring this up. "Baby, I have something to tell you..." or "So I was talking to my son the other day..." or leave pictures of her son around one day and wait for her boyfriend to ask about it... lol, I wish I knew what to tell her. The poor thing is so nervous!
IMO, she should tell him now. Many men aren't looking for relationships that come with "surprise, I forgot to tell you about this"...
Honestly, it would have been something I mentioned from the beginning. Something like that is rather big news and if my boyfriend didn't tell me that he has a son until 3 months into dating, I would wonder what else he's been keeping from me. I'm not saying he will wonder this with your friend, "Sarah", but it's a possibility.
The longer she waits to tell him, the harder it will be to explain why she withheld this info from him.
In regard to how she should bring it up, she should just be out with it. Make it a night of just hanging out and talking. Maybe watch a movie, have a bit of interaction, then after the movie, ask him if he has a few more minutes before he heads home. After he says he can stay, then she should say "Good, because I have something I have been wanting to tell you but just haven't been able to find the right time or the right words - so I'm just going to come out and tell you....I had a baby several years ago when I was a teenager. I wasn't at the capacity or the maturity to raise a baby on my own at the time. Luckily I have a wonderful aunt and uncle who adopted him and have let me be a part of his life in any aspect I want."....
let him absorb this and let him form his own words..don't take his silence as disbelief or shock---just let him think about what you just told him. if he's a great guy, he'll realize that she did the right thing by giving the baby a life she couldn't provide when she was a teenager.
Honestly, it would have been something I mentioned from the beginning. Something like that is rather big news and if my boyfriend didn't tell me that he has a son until 3 months into dating, I would wonder what else he's been keeping from me. I'm not saying he will wonder this with your friend, "Sarah", but it's a possibility.
The longer she waits to tell him, the harder it will be to explain why she withheld this info from him.
In regard to how she should bring it up, she should just be out with it. Make it a night of just hanging out and talking. Maybe watch a movie, have a bit of interaction, then after the movie, ask him if he has a few more minutes before he heads home. After he says he can stay, then she should say "Good, because I have something I have been wanting to tell you but just haven't been able to find the right time or the right words - so I'm just going to come out and tell you....I had a baby several years ago when I was a teenager. I wasn't at the capacity or the maturity to raise a baby on my own at the time. Luckily I have a wonderful aunt and uncle who adopted him and have let me be a part of his life in any aspect I want."....
let him absorb this and let him form his own words..don't take his silence as disbelief or shock---just let him think about what you just told him. if he's a great guy, he'll realize that she did the right thing by giving the baby a life she couldn't provide when she was a teenager.
First of all, has your friend given up legal custody of her child or is this just an informal, raise my child until I can handle it situation? Legalities need to be worked out. It sounds a bit unclear because if it was clear, she'd know how to talk about it. Has she discussed with her relatives what they will tell the baby when it's old enough? Will the baby know she is the real mother? These things are more important than her dating life. Once that is in order, she can state her situation honestly& clearly. Most men will be concerned about their legal responsibilities regarding her child. If he becomes seriously involved (living with her or marries her), what is his role? You have to know the answers to those questions before you tell him.
To answer your questions, the "baby" is now a teenager. In a couple of years, he will be a legal adult and on his own. The "baby" was legally adopted by her aunt and uncle. He is fully aware that she is his mother and as he got older, he grew to understand the situation. He is a well-adjusted happy child and she feels that she made the right decision in giving him up to them.
Sarah has been in two serious relationships since the "baby" was born. She told those two men right off the bat. One was her ex-husband, who himself had a child that he never saw, and the other was an ex-boyfriend who was divorced with kids of his own. Her new boyfriend has never been married and does not have any children. He seems to be a really nice guy but she doesn't know how he'll react to this information. His role in her son's life? Nothing really. He would never be financially responsible nor would he need to be a father figure for the boy. She would just want him to treat the boy with kindness whenever they do see him. Contact would be minimal, as the boy lives on the other side of the country from them.
You see, the situation is a bit complicated to just announce on a first date. Really, would you go on a date with a guy and mention over dinner "So I was a pregnant teen and gave my baby up for adoption?" It's a lot different from "So my ex and I share joint custody of our child." or "I get visitation every weekend."
Sarah has been in two serious relationships since the "baby" was born. She told those two men right off the bat. One was her ex-husband, who himself had a child that he never saw, and the other was an ex-boyfriend who was divorced with kids of his own. Her new boyfriend has never been married and does not have any children. He seems to be a really nice guy but she doesn't know how he'll react to this information. His role in her son's life? Nothing really. He would never be financially responsible nor would he need to be a father figure for the boy. She would just want him to treat the boy with kindness whenever they do see him. Contact would be minimal, as the boy lives on the other side of the country from them.
You see, the situation is a bit complicated to just announce on a first date. Really, would you go on a date with a guy and mention over dinner "So I was a pregnant teen and gave my baby up for adoption?" It's a lot different from "So my ex and I share joint custody of our child." or "I get visitation every weekend."
This all seems so silly to me .. if we were talking about a baby, that would be different, for someday, she might want him back and in this case, a man to whom she is getting serious with needs to know. But, that's not the case .. this is a nearly grown child .. almost an adult.
What this all sounds like to me is that she is carrying the emotional baggage called: guilt, for what happened has no relevance to this new man, nor would it effect him in any way.
Ok, so one day, if they hook up then this guy will find out about the child .. but, so what? It doesn't have to be this Big Drama issue. There's plenty of single parents out there .. there's plenty of estranged parents out there ... it's only a big deal if it's made into one ... and it sounds like she wants to make this bigger than it is.
Somebody inferred that this new man has a right to know .... bullshit.
He has no rights to know anything, unless a person is willing to talk about it you. A person has a Personal Right to withhold any kind of personal information from another person. If that were the case, then every single one of would have some kind of obligation to reveal our personal information to others.
It seriously sounds to me as though somebody has a huge guilt issue, and has never found a way to heal from it .. for, she is still, all these years later, stressing over it.
What this all sounds like to me is that she is carrying the emotional baggage called: guilt, for what happened has no relevance to this new man, nor would it effect him in any way.
Ok, so one day, if they hook up then this guy will find out about the child .. but, so what? It doesn't have to be this Big Drama issue. There's plenty of single parents out there .. there's plenty of estranged parents out there ... it's only a big deal if it's made into one ... and it sounds like she wants to make this bigger than it is.
Somebody inferred that this new man has a right to know .... bullshit.
He has no rights to know anything, unless a person is willing to talk about it you. A person has a Personal Right to withhold any kind of personal information from another person. If that were the case, then every single one of would have some kind of obligation to reveal our personal information to others.
It seriously sounds to me as though somebody has a huge guilt issue, and has never found a way to heal from it .. for, she is still, all these years later, stressing over it.
You're right P-Angel in a way. Sarah says she did feel like a bit of a failure for not being able to raise the kid herself. But she says this is not about that now. She has a good relationship with her son. Though her aunt and uncle are his "parents", he's always been aware of her. She does see him once or twice a year. She feels like she needs to tell her boyfriend eventually because if they stay together, one day her son is gonna wanna come for a visit. Her boyfriend will need to know who this young man is that is coming to see her. Also, says her and her boyfriend get married and decide to have children? It would be completely ridiculous for her to act like that pregnancy would be her first.
Really, her son is something she could keep secret if she chooses, but why do that? She has nothing to be ashamed of. She didn't kill someone, she brought a life into this world at a time when she was too young to handle it. There is worse that someone can do. We all have heard what some men think of single mothers..."good for a f*ck cuz they're desperate, but that's it", "who wants a chick with baggage?", "I don't want a ready-made family", etc. She is not a single mother in the traditional sense but he could be that jerk that thinks of her as "damaged goods" and when she tells her boyfriend about this, it will be the moment of truth as to whether he's truly a good guy or one of those jerks.
Really, her son is something she could keep secret if she chooses, but why do that? She has nothing to be ashamed of. She didn't kill someone, she brought a life into this world at a time when she was too young to handle it. There is worse that someone can do. We all have heard what some men think of single mothers..."good for a f*ck cuz they're desperate, but that's it", "who wants a chick with baggage?", "I don't want a ready-made family", etc. She is not a single mother in the traditional sense but he could be that jerk that thinks of her as "damaged goods" and when she tells her boyfriend about this, it will be the moment of truth as to whether he's truly a good guy or one of those jerks.
Koiya .. my point wasn't about her keeping a secret or being ashamed of something ... it was about making something into a big drama because of her personal feelings about what she did.
This isn't a big-deal .. she's making it into one by fearing what his judgement will be of her and whether or not he will approve of one of her life-decisions.
A guy isn't going to have a reaction to a grown woman giving birth out of wed-lock, or as a teenager .. but, to her, because she hasn't dealt with the guilt associated, she is believing that he might think bad of her, she has baggage, she is damaged, she is a slut, she is anything except a decent woman .... and this is what I find so absurd.
She is erroneously believing that some huge issue has to be made out of this, when it doesn't ... she made a life-decision for the betterment of her child. Instead of holding her head high and believing it was a right choice .. she's looking for approval from somebody else to find this acceptable.
If a person looks to another person to provide them with self-worth, then it means they don't have it for themselves and seeks approval. You say she has nothing to be ashamed of and I agree .. however, she must think so if she's held this a secret from him and is now trying to figure out a way to tell him without him thinking badly of her.
My point is .. she is thinking badly of herself, and not giving him credit in believing her to be a woman of integrity.
This isn't a big-deal .. she's making it into one by fearing what his judgement will be of her and whether or not he will approve of one of her life-decisions.
A guy isn't going to have a reaction to a grown woman giving birth out of wed-lock, or as a teenager .. but, to her, because she hasn't dealt with the guilt associated, she is believing that he might think bad of her, she has baggage, she is damaged, she is a slut, she is anything except a decent woman .... and this is what I find so absurd.
She is erroneously believing that some huge issue has to be made out of this, when it doesn't ... she made a life-decision for the betterment of her child. Instead of holding her head high and believing it was a right choice .. she's looking for approval from somebody else to find this acceptable.
If a person looks to another person to provide them with self-worth, then it means they don't have it for themselves and seeks approval. You say she has nothing to be ashamed of and I agree .. however, she must think so if she's held this a secret from him and is now trying to figure out a way to tell him without him thinking badly of her.
My point is .. she is thinking badly of herself, and not giving him credit in believing her to be a woman of integrity.
P-Angel, I talked to my friend more extensively about her feelings on this. I found out that had tried to raise the baby on her own at first. She was 16 when she gave birth. She says her friends stopped coming around and strangers would come up to her on the street and "tsk tsk" at her. The man who got her pregnant? A 23 yr. old chronically unemployed alcoholic who told her he "loved" her, then pretty much dropped out of sight when the baby was born. Dealing with that and trying to get through school and hold a part-time job was too much for her to deal with at such a tender age and when her baby was about a year and a few months old, her aunt and uncle asked to adopt her baby.
She said that after all this time, she thought she had come to terms with every thing. She spent most of her life since the adoption feeling guilt and anguish and depression. She looked at other teen moms who were raising their kids, and even though they were all struggling, at least they were managing somehow. She says on one hand, she felt like a failure for not being able to keep her baby, and on the other hand, her son is comfort, safe, happy and has all the things he needs. He is being raised by two parents who love and support him.
This situation is waking her up to the fact that maybe she isn't done dealing with her feelings about this whole thing.
She said that after all this time, she thought she had come to terms with every thing. She spent most of her life since the adoption feeling guilt and anguish and depression. She looked at other teen moms who were raising their kids, and even though they were all struggling, at least they were managing somehow. She says on one hand, she felt like a failure for not being able to keep her baby, and on the other hand, her son is comfort, safe, happy and has all the things he needs. He is being raised by two parents who love and support him.
This situation is waking her up to the fact that maybe she isn't done dealing with her feelings about this whole thing.
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