People With Terrible Fucking Boundaries
This topic was created in the Relationships forum by Marmotini on Sunday, March 10, 2013 and has 15 replies.
I know I am a bit into over-sharing, and people recognize this as a boundary issue, but I wonder if its what makes me otherwise attracted to people with terrible boundaries in other ways?
Like the "friend" who acts like a "boyfriend" or the roommate who starts treating you like a put-upon family member?
Human relationships are messy, and boundaries are important, and there are these social rules about not saying things in public, and I tend to think that there are certain situations where this rule becomes null and void.
Sure, I'll not say anything in public...as long as you're nice to me and treat me with human dignity and respect, but after that, all bets are off, and I will have no issue with becoming the town cryer, so everyone else can know what you're up to, as well.
But I think I'm attracted to people who have poor boundaries. I joke about it being "evil" but it's not evil...it's a boundary issue.
Some people have no problem taking from other people what they need...and then just walking away. Some people are far too emotionally and physically invasive, as long as that suits their mental problems, and then they just run off and want no responsibility for it.
Others invade your boundaries by hitting you, spitting on you, constantly feeling like it's okay to insult you, or acting like their feelings or preferences are more important than yours.
I actually had a female roommate once who would actually come near my bed and touch me and wake me up if I snored (she also snored, and louder than I did.) TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE.
I think "over niceness" causes this, people taking kindness for weakness, but don't you think when you attract people who treat you with godawful boundaries, then its because you let them?
But why wouldn't you let them if they were being nice at first?
Boundaries. OMG boundaries.
Thoughts about boundaries.
Anybody?
Like the "friend" who acts like a "boyfriend" or the roommate who starts treating you like a put-upon family member?
Human relationships are messy, and boundaries are important, and there are these social rules about not saying things in public, and I tend to think that there are certain situations where this rule becomes null and void.
Sure, I'll not say anything in public...as long as you're nice to me and treat me with human dignity and respect, but after that, all bets are off, and I will have no issue with becoming the town cryer, so everyone else can know what you're up to, as well.
But I think I'm attracted to people who have poor boundaries. I joke about it being "evil" but it's not evil...it's a boundary issue.
Some people have no problem taking from other people what they need...and then just walking away. Some people are far too emotionally and physically invasive, as long as that suits their mental problems, and then they just run off and want no responsibility for it.
Others invade your boundaries by hitting you, spitting on you, constantly feeling like it's okay to insult you, or acting like their feelings or preferences are more important than yours.
I actually had a female roommate once who would actually come near my bed and touch me and wake me up if I snored (she also snored, and louder than I did.) TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE.
I think "over niceness" causes this, people taking kindness for weakness, but don't you think when you attract people who treat you with godawful boundaries, then its because you let them?
But why wouldn't you let them if they were being nice at first?
Boundaries. OMG boundaries.
Thoughts about boundaries.
Anybody?
I mean like for example if you have some kind of sexual interaction or flirtation with a person, and they proceed to spend most of their day with you for the next two fucking years, after basically tracking you down later and saying "I KNOOW YOU WANT TO TALK TO MEEEEE" ...it's pretty safe to presume that they like you, right?
I mean, like if someone is talking to you upwards of 8 to 10 hours per day for months on end, it's pretty safe to assume this person enjoys your company. That's a bit exotic. Usually only people who are DATING or MARRIED do things like that.
Fall asleep repeatedly at night in the middle of conversation with you? Isn't that just like your first boyfriend in high school?
At what point does a person decide that it's okay to treat you as LESS THAN A PERSON after something ends? At what point does a person start making up paranoid lies, or misplacing their anger into you, when it's actually the other person who hurt them?
It's like...misplaced guilt.
You left me for her.
And you knew it at the time. You even denied it. What are you talking about? At 4 am you said to me, no what are you talking about, you're not losing me.
And she is the person who hurt you, not me. You're the person who hurt me. Not the other way around.
You're treating me like you're mad at ME, when the only person you should be mad at is HER or maybe YOURSELF FOR MAKING A POOR CHOICE.
Some people will just treat your like their emotional garbage can. I'm pretty sure I've been delegated to "emotional garbage can." It's really a first for me, doesn't usually happen to me.
I thought this sort of thing only happened to women who got involved with married men.
I take my emotional relationships very seriously, too. If someone shows me emotional closeness and loyalty over a long period of time, I'm going to value them over a person I go out on a couple of dates with or even have a casual sexual affair with.
I guess that's because I have something called MORALS?
And even if it's shitty for me to "over share" the simple fact remains that certain things I'd never show or tell, and this person is a little too secure in me not sharing those things (or maybe that's why they're making up lies instead, to try to scare me from sharing anything too personal, which I won't, BECAUSE I HAVE SOMETHING CALLED MORALS.)
I mean, like if someone is talking to you upwards of 8 to 10 hours per day for months on end, it's pretty safe to assume this person enjoys your company. That's a bit exotic. Usually only people who are DATING or MARRIED do things like that.
Fall asleep repeatedly at night in the middle of conversation with you? Isn't that just like your first boyfriend in high school?
At what point does a person decide that it's okay to treat you as LESS THAN A PERSON after something ends? At what point does a person start making up paranoid lies, or misplacing their anger into you, when it's actually the other person who hurt them?
It's like...misplaced guilt.
You left me for her.
And you knew it at the time. You even denied it. What are you talking about? At 4 am you said to me, no what are you talking about, you're not losing me.
And she is the person who hurt you, not me. You're the person who hurt me. Not the other way around.
You're treating me like you're mad at ME, when the only person you should be mad at is HER or maybe YOURSELF FOR MAKING A POOR CHOICE.
Some people will just treat your like their emotional garbage can. I'm pretty sure I've been delegated to "emotional garbage can." It's really a first for me, doesn't usually happen to me.
I thought this sort of thing only happened to women who got involved with married men.
I take my emotional relationships very seriously, too. If someone shows me emotional closeness and loyalty over a long period of time, I'm going to value them over a person I go out on a couple of dates with or even have a casual sexual affair with.
I guess that's because I have something called MORALS?
And even if it's shitty for me to "over share" the simple fact remains that certain things I'd never show or tell, and this person is a little too secure in me not sharing those things (or maybe that's why they're making up lies instead, to try to scare me from sharing anything too personal, which I won't, BECAUSE I HAVE SOMETHING CALLED MORALS.)
But wait it gets better....one of my former roommates (not even the person who woke me up while I was sleeping) ...shoved me into a closet when she got mad at me, and she was so angry at me when I moved out, that she went around telling people that I did something I didn't do (that was easily verifiable that I absolutely did not do) to try to get back at me...for moving out? For stopping being her roommate without her permission?
I also recently had a friend who was a recovering heroin addict who basically expected me to baby-sit her cat at a moment's notice, let her borrow money, have me pee for her drug tests, and so forth.
It's like I'm wearing a sign that says, "Please, yes, invade my boundaries."
And I can be a real bitch too, I can be absolutely icy, so I can't fathom how all of these people I let in have such TERRIBLE TERRIBLE BOUNDARIES.
Either I give too much, or I'm too trusting, or I'm attracted to bad people, or something.
My mom isn't like these people. My grandparents weren't like these people. I didn't have examples set for me in childhood to make relationships with terrible people.
Maybe I trust terrible people because my family is actually too nice, and I didn't comprehend how evil other people actually are.
I also recently had a friend who was a recovering heroin addict who basically expected me to baby-sit her cat at a moment's notice, let her borrow money, have me pee for her drug tests, and so forth.
It's like I'm wearing a sign that says, "Please, yes, invade my boundaries."
And I can be a real bitch too, I can be absolutely icy, so I can't fathom how all of these people I let in have such TERRIBLE TERRIBLE BOUNDARIES.
Either I give too much, or I'm too trusting, or I'm attracted to bad people, or something.
My mom isn't like these people. My grandparents weren't like these people. I didn't have examples set for me in childhood to make relationships with terrible people.
Maybe I trust terrible people because my family is actually too nice, and I didn't comprehend how evil other people actually are.
I guess you're right in a sense you let them step on your boundaries.
family member or not if they try to wake me up when I'm sleeping, no matter WHO they are be certain they'll regret it for the rest of their lives.
I get what you mean though, sometimes being nice seems to be an open invite because they think you're a doormat just asking to be stepped on. Just stand your ground.
family member or not if they try to wake me up when I'm sleeping, no matter WHO they are be certain they'll regret it for the rest of their lives.
I get what you mean though, sometimes being nice seems to be an open invite because they think you're a doormat just asking to be stepped on. Just stand your ground.
Posted by aquasnoz
I guess you're right in a sense you let them step on your boundaries.
family member or not if they try to wake me up when I'm sleeping, no matter WHO they are be certain they'll regret it for the rest of their lives.
I get what you mean though, sometimes being nice seems to be an open invite because they think you're a doormat just asking to be stepped on. Just stand your ground.
I think I'm getting better at it. I went nuts on the woman eventually who kept waking me up when I was sleeping, I told her if she ever came anywhere near my bed again we'd have a serious problem. I also told other people, alerted them to her behavior, and I later found a lot of confirmation about this person that she thought the rules in life basically apply to everyone but her, like she's the queen or something.
I think I am either too nice, or I am like the opposite, like "WTF step off, you don't know who you're messing with" and then it scares people.
I'm hoping to learn through my yoga/meditation stuff how to continually find a nice middle ground with it.
But honestly I already think I'm getting better, I told the chick who wanted me to pee for her to go take a flying leap, and refuse to speak to the woman who pushed me into the closet, though she recently told a mutual friend of ours that she "still considers me a friend." I'm just like "oh that's nice, then she probably should apologize to me first, and then seek help for anger management."
So I'm getting better at it. I just don't know that I realized what toxic people I was letting in, even people who seemed to care about me.
SEEMED. being the operative word.
I mean when someone SEEMS TO CARE OVER A LONG PERIOD OF TIME isn't that confusing?
It's almost like...there's something wrong with them.
I'm not sure what's to be done about that. My ESFJ friend used to say "when people tell you who they are, believe them."
The next time a guy tells me "all my girlfriends dump me because I emotionally shut down at some point, like my feelings are all trapped inside of me" I will immediately believe him and run away as quickly as possible.
*Virgo
Sorry. I'm used to naming people in MBTI terminology.
Sorry. I'm used to naming people in MBTI terminology.
Haha for sure I use to be a lot more tolerant but I guess the further along your journey you tend to adopt the fuck it philosophy! If people provoke me with no reason, I either just not pay attention or fire back with a seemingly substance-less threat. So in regards to sleeping, I just either keep sleeping or tell them with a smile "wake me up again and that pen is going in your eyeball".
It's a bit blurry I think but there's a bit of truth when people say things about themselves like that. They must still be caught in that thought process for them to even say it. I believe what people say about themselves, it's much easier that way and when they become inconsistent it's much easier to point it out to them.
Posted by Marmotini
I'm not sure what's to be done about that. My ESFJ friend used to say "when people tell you who they are, believe them."
The next time a guy tells me "all my girlfriends dump me because I emotionally shut down at some point, like my feelings are all trapped inside of me" I will immediately believe him and run away as quickly as possible.
It's a bit blurry I think but there's a bit of truth when people say things about themselves like that. They must still be caught in that thought process for them to even say it. I believe what people say about themselves, it's much easier that way and when they become inconsistent it's much easier to point it out to them.
Posted by aquasnoz
Haha for sure I use to be a lot more tolerant but I guess the further along your journey you tend to adopt the fuck it philosophy! If people provoke me with no reason, I either just not pay attention or fire back with a seemingly substance-less threat. So in regards to sleeping, I just either keep sleeping or tell them with a smile "wake me up again and that pen is going in your eyeball".
Posted by Marmotini
I'm not sure what's to be done about that. My ESFJ friend used to say "when people tell you who they are, believe them."
The next time a guy tells me "all my girlfriends dump me because I emotionally shut down at some point, like my feelings are all trapped inside of me" I will immediately believe him and run away as quickly as possible.
It's a bit blurry I think but there's a bit of truth when people say things about themselves like that. They must still be caught in that thought process for them to even say it. I believe what people say about themselves, it's much easier that way and when they become inconsistent it's much easier to point it out to them.click to expand
Well when guys say that stuff to me, for example, and they keep hanging around me, I presume they're hinting. Like hint hint help me to stop being such an emotional retard. I want to know what love is, I want you to show me, that kind of shit.
I still feel that this person is very hard to figure by what he says, and more by what he does, because his actions don't have a clear cause and effect quality, but rather more like he's presenting me with some kind of challenge.
He's presenting me with a challenge even now. And he's going to lose. It's an easy win for me, I've been building social networks and storing info for a long time.
Did I ever see this day coming? No.
But all the same I store my nuts like a smart squirrel for the potential deepest Capricorn part of winter.
I have great/social boundaries. I hardly get the same respect back.
Like I don't walk into your fridge and eat your food. I don't snoop thru your shit. I don't steal your moms number and than call her. I clean up after myself ( and even u ). I don't add your bf on fb. I don't flirt with people you like. I don't get drunk and embarrass you in public. I don't make myself at home without your permission. I don't do things without asking first. I try and always think " would that make me comfortable? " and if the answer is NO I don't do it.
Yet somehow people who walk all over ppl and their shit get more respect than me? Whatever. The world is fucked today and manners are mostly no existent. So I mean good luck to us who think of other ppl rationally.
Like I don't walk into your fridge and eat your food. I don't snoop thru your shit. I don't steal your moms number and than call her. I clean up after myself ( and even u ). I don't add your bf on fb. I don't flirt with people you like. I don't get drunk and embarrass you in public. I don't make myself at home without your permission. I don't do things without asking first. I try and always think " would that make me comfortable? " and if the answer is NO I don't do it.
Yet somehow people who walk all over ppl and their shit get more respect than me? Whatever. The world is fucked today and manners are mostly no existent. So I mean good luck to us who think of other ppl rationally.
god so many mistakes... take 2
Yeah it's kinda weird I use to know someone like this. Was a mutual friend and she had a go at me for posting something on facebook that she saw off my friend's page. Said something about how she was just being very blunt and honest because she wanted to help me realise the truth!
No time for those people. Said it right back to her "Well you can respectfully fuck off because that's my blunt opinion of you".
Posted by Sag89
I have great/social boundaries. I hardly get the same respect back.
Like I don't walk into your fridge and eat your food. I don't snoop thru your shit. I don't steal your moms number and than call her. I clean up after myself ( and even u ). I don't add your bf on fb. I don't flirt with people you like. I don't get drunk and embarrass you in public. I don't make myself at home without your permission. I don't do things without asking first. I try and always think " would that make me comfortable? " and if the answer is NO I don't do it.
Yet somehow people who walk all over ppl and their shit get more respect than me? Whatever. The world is fucked today and manners are mostly no existent. So I mean good luck to us who think of other ppl rationally.
Yeah it's kinda weird I use to know someone like this. Was a mutual friend and she had a go at me for posting something on facebook that she saw off my friend's page. Said something about how she was just being very blunt and honest because she wanted to help me realise the truth!
No time for those people. Said it right back to her "Well you can respectfully fuck off because that's my blunt opinion of you".
Posted by aquasnoz
god so many mistakes... take 2
Posted by Sag89
I have great/social boundaries. I hardly get the same respect back.
Like I don't walk into your fridge and eat your food. I don't snoop thru your shit. I don't steal your moms number and than call her. I clean up after myself ( and even u ). I don't add your bf on fb. I don't flirt with people you like. I don't get drunk and embarrass you in public. I don't make myself at home without your permission. I don't do things without asking first. I try and always think " would that make me comfortable? " and if the answer is NO I don't do it.
Yet somehow people who walk all over ppl and their shit get more respect than me? Whatever. The world is fucked today and manners are mostly no existent. So I mean good luck to us who think of other ppl rationally.
Yeah it's kinda weird I use to know someone like this. Was a mutual friend and she had a go at me for posting something on facebook that she saw off my friend's page. Said something about how she was just being very blunt and honest because she wanted to help me realise the truth!
No time for those people. Said it right back to her "Well you can respectfully fuck off because that's my blunt opinion of you".click to expand
what?
Posted by Sag89
I have great/social boundaries. I hardly get the same respect back.
Like I don't walk into your fridge and eat your food. I don't snoop thru your shit. I don't steal your moms number and than call her. I clean up after myself ( and even u ). I don't add your bf on fb. I don't flirt with people you like. I don't get drunk and embarrass you in public. I don't make myself at home without your permission. I don't do things without asking first. I try and always think " would that make me comfortable? " and if the answer is NO I don't do it.
Yet somehow people who walk all over ppl and their shit get more respect than me? Whatever. The world is fucked today and manners are mostly no existent. So I mean good luck to us who think of other ppl rationally.
Some psychopaths and sociologists have suggested that there's epidemic narcissism in the United States, because of the way our culture is set up, and the way a lot of members of Gen Y were a mixture of spoiled to epic self-centeredness and pushed to succeed materially.
I really wonder about some people. Really.
I have normal boundaries like you, with the exception of my tendency to publicly call people out when they've done something very wrong.
But I read about Southern culture, going all the way back to the 1600-1700, and its an honor culture (other honor cultures would be found in places like Japan or China) ...and in honor cultures public shaming is an acceptable form of punishing the immoral, in fact its encouraged, to warn and set an example for others.
I still think aspects of my over-sharing may be a poor boundary, though.
hahha psychopaths, I meant psychotherapists
Posted by Crustacea
The only person you can control and undoubtedly understand is yourself.
Cure your boundary issues and that's the only thing you need to worry about.
Learn when to say no, be more self-centered, and treat yourself as a person that's a precious being not a highly useful and convenient commodity.
Yes people can be horribly shitty but that's mostly because they're immature. The end and the beginning. As a child we learn to be dependent on our parents/guardians to fulfill our needs because we knew no other way but then as people we get older and learn how to achieve our own objectives. The problem with these people are that they know better but they wont do better they want to be babied and do immoral actions without the consequences. Yes, they're takers but clearly you're a giver. Stop that shit.
Another note, it's not what we attract but what we choose to keep around. Tell them to fuck off and/or kiss your ass at the first sign of selfishness and immaturity.
You're right. One of the biggest mistakes I've made in the past is being "over nice" or not setting boundaries with a person until they've gone too far.
Posted by MarmotiniPosted by Sag89
I have great/social boundaries. I hardly get the same respect back.
Like I don't walk into your fridge and eat your food. I don't snoop thru your shit. I don't steal your moms number and than call her. I clean up after myself ( and even u ). I don't add your bf on fb. I don't flirt with people you like. I don't get drunk and embarrass you in public. I don't make myself at home without your permission. I don't do things without asking first. I try and always think " would that make me comfortable? " and if the answer is NO I don't do it.
Yet somehow people who walk all over ppl and their shit get more respect than me? Whatever. The world is fucked today and manners are mostly no existent. So I mean good luck to us who think of other ppl rationally.
Some psychopaths and sociologists have suggested that there's epidemic narcissism in the United States, because of the way our culture is set up, and the way a lot of members of Gen Y were a mixture of spoiled to epic self-centeredness and pushed to succeed materially.
I really wonder about some people. Really.
I have normal boundaries like you, with the exception of my tendency to publicly call people out when they've done something very wrong.
But I read about Southern culture, going all the way back to the 1600-1700, and its an honor culture (other honor cultures would be found in places like Japan or China) ...and in honor cultures public shaming is an acceptable form of punishing the immoral, in fact its encouraged, to warn and set an example for others.
I still think aspects of my over-sharing may be a poor boundary, though.click to expand
Oh I wouldn't doubt for it for a minute. Yea haha I have a tendencies to call people out too but hey I rather be honest you know?
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