Please help me I think I'm losing my mind!

This topic was created in the Relationships forum by donggri84 on Monday, September 10, 2012 and has 13 replies.

My boyfriend was thinking of breaking up with me after an argument we had last Saturday.(it was my fault I took morning after pill and I got very hormonal!).
He said he wasn't sure if he wanted to have a future with me that he doesn't want to constantly fight with me.
Apart from that he loved everything about me.
So we met up during the week and we talked the issues through and had great communication.
He had been staying over everynight since.
On saturday I went to his friends wedding as his date. We spent the whole day and night together.
He kissed me every chance he got and said how happy he was that I was with him.
He stayed over that night because he wanted to go surfing in the morning.
We had breakfast next morning, everything was great then went to the beach for a surf.
He had been working 7-9 monday to sunday for last 2-3 months with no break or time for him self so he looked forward to this surfing day.
Then the problem arose, He coudln't get his surf board out because His surfboard bag's zipper was broken!
That was it, he shut down. He laid down in sand and went to sleep. I figured he was trying to soothe himself so I left him alone.
He didn't talk on the way back. then he said see you later, gave me a weak kiss on the lips and we parted our way.
The whole time, I remained quiet but pleasant and smiley. Didn't push him or asked him what was wrong.
I msged him later because he had my charger and wanted to see if he wanted to hang out. No reply.
I called, No reply...
Monday evening he sent msg just simply saying "I can drop it in an hour..." With no mentioning of 'do you want to have dinner?"
msg sounded like he stil didnt want to be around me so i told him it was ok that i can charge at work that i wont' be home.
I'm really scared he is thinking of breaking up with me again.
This major up and down is ruining my life, literally. I can't work, I'm smoking again...
Does he just want space? Or is he going to break up with me? I really didn't do anything wrong!
Am I taking this too personal?
His problem with me in the relationship was that I can be too dramatic so I dropped that all together. Even during his down time (surf board) I remained stable and level headed so I really didn't do anything...
Please advise, what is going on? Why sudden coldness again????
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Just give him space to sort things out, maybe he is tired or contemplating what he really wants. But do you really want to walk around on eggshells because he can't control his issues?
Giving him space maybe the hardest thing to do right now because you yourself want reassurance but men need this timeout to sit in their cave and do them...more than likely he'll come out in a week or so and it'll be like nothing was even wrong! **face palm**
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I do literally feel like I'm on eggshells, and being tested.
He did say on the morning of the incident(surfboard bag zipper incident) during breakfast that he still wants to see how things go. To see If things are as stable as it is at the moment...with no ups and downs.
I'm keeping up the happy jolly easy go nature but inside I'm in agony!!
I do love and care for him and I want him to be happy, if he needs space I respect that and want to give him that...
I just reeeeeeeally don't want to get the break up bombshell...In some way deep inside, I do believe if I leave him be right now, he will indeed send me a msg in a week or so saying how are you...like nothing ever happened.
I think I do have a problem, may be I'm not the stable one. Or is this normal to freak out when men does this "CAVE" thing?
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Is men going into his "MAN CAVE" a way of testing the woman he is with? (I mean, main reason of course is them trying to figure out their problem but I'm inclined to believe that there's also that little part there where they test our reactions etc)
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Absolutely normal because we woman don't understand it!! We just want to scream and yell and clear the air...we want to talk it through and they don't, they just want to sit in their cave and I can't even tell you if they actually even think while in there but whatever they are doing...it resolves things for them.
Once again we need to understand that one day to them is like one week to us....impatient creatures that we are
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Posted by sweethearts
Absolutely normal because we woman don't understand it!! We just want to scream and yell and clear the air...we want to talk it through and they don't, they just want to sit in their cave and I can't even tell you if they actually even think while in there but whatever they are doing...it resolves things for them.
Once again we need to understand that one day to them is like one week to us....impatient creatures that we are



One day feels like trillion years for me right now!
Thank you though, I really really don't think it was about me. I shouldn't take it personal...BUT MAN!!!
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through this, I didn't see anywhere where he couldn't control his issues. In fact, I understood something quite different.
Posted by donggri84
He said he wasn't sure if he wanted to have a future with me that he doesn't want to constantly fight with me.




Posted by donggri84
He did say .... that he still wants to see how things go. To see If things are as stable as it is at the moment...with no ups and downs.

click to expand



In both of those quotes, which were his words ... he is saying that the relationship is rocky, and he's uncertain whether he wants to continue paving a future with a woman to whom constantly fights with him.
You came in here attempting to make it sound like you two have a great relationship other than two incidents .. the morning after episode and the broken zipper epidose .. when in reality, he used the word "constantly", so it's quite safe to assume that according to him .. you fight him constantly.
And next time he is concerned whether the stableness is going to the be relationship theme, or is just for the moment.

All in all .. if a person reads between the lines and accesses what he is saying without listening to your interpretation, which is biased in your favor .. it becomes obvious that you are a loose cannon, and he simply doesn't want to continue with relationship development with a crazy bitch.
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There were many issues in the beginning of the relationship.
Since we became official we had the down times 3 times. For me thats not much but that's only from my point of view.
This is the first time for him having a gf who is living in a same city...
But fair enough, what he thinks is constant is constant.
I had a long thought after our last incident and thought what was more important in my life?
Told him I didn't want to live the rest of my life as a girl, and I wanted to lead a mature relationship with genuine heart.
And we discussed what we can do to not let things escalate, the answer was better communication.
He said that meant a lot to him.
Thanks for your honest output may be yeah there's no hope.
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Posted by P-Angel
When I read through this, I didn't see anywhere where he couldn't control his issues. In fact, I understood something quite different.
Posted by donggri84
He said he wasn't sure if he wanted to have a future with me that he doesn't want to constantly fight with me.




Posted by donggri84
He did say .... that he still wants to see how things go. To see If things are as stable as it is at the moment...with no ups and downs.




In both of those quotes, which were his words ... he is saying that the relationship is rocky, and he's uncertain whether he wants to continue paving a future with a woman to whom constantly fights with him.
You came in here attempting to make it sound like you two have a great relationship other than two incidents .. the morning after episode and the broken zipper epidose .. when in reality, he used the word "constantly", so it's quite safe to assume that according to him .. you fight him constantly.
And next time he is concerned whether the stableness is going to the be relationship theme, or is just for the moment.

All in all .. if a person reads between the lines and accesses what he is saying without listening to your interpretation, which is biased in your favor .. it becomes obvious that you are a loose cannon, and he simply doesn't want to continue with relationship development with a crazy bitch.
click to expand


I agree, I wouldn't have called her crazy though.
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@BikerCh1ck
The argument actually wasn't about anything.
I've explained to him in the beginning before i took the morning after pill that I may go a little weird since it messes me up so much. So it really wasn't about anything...it was just hormonal.
but it just got bad because I carried on when I should've stopped.
From then, we talked things through and he was with me wed, thursday, sat night.
spent great time together, and I'd make him breakfast in the mornings as usual...etc
he had been very stressed from working, he did tell me in past that he deals with issues differently, internally.
This surfing thing was a big deal for him. First day of him time since couple of months of working hard.
So yeah when the zipper wasn't working he tried hard to get it to open! but it just wouldn't budge!
I suggested to get a tool for him, he just told me to relax.
So I did, read my book and left him to cool down.
That was it? he got up couple of hours later asked me what I wanted to do, I smiled and said i was hungry and I'd buy him lunch? he said he didnt feel like it and just wanted to get home to finish his work. His boss gives him lots and lots of work.He is under big pressure pleasing her. (this is his first real job ever! and he had experienced being let go before from shady boss. so much so that last time he finished hard project I treated him to a deep tissue massage!)
I did think something clicked inside when he couldn't get the bag open.
Not sure its necessarily about me really.. cause I kept up my end of the agreement. you know being chilled...etc
may be he has decided to break up with me.
who knows...
He gets a holiday from end of this week and he will go up north to have a breather I assume.
I hope he does to clear his mind and relieve some stress.
from the relationship point of view? since we had the discussion, there hasn't been a problem.
the night before after the wedding he kissed me and said he was happy that I was there with him and we signed the wedding card together as well...
its all just very hard since its so soon since the initial relationship problem.
now im trying to give him space and live my own life...if he misses me then ill be happy.
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@Theultra79
Thank you for your comment.
I do think he is a wreck at the moment with everything that has been going on.
He is a musician and dreams to be one. because of this enormous pressure from trying to keep this job he hasn't been able to finish his own work. working constantly...she just keeps piling things on him and he gets so worried about what she may think of him...etc
I really really really think he needs a break...from me and from everything and just chill.
I will try not to take it personally because I promised him that I would be committed to the relationship and not the ego.
Also I promised that I would work on my trust...
Am friends with his brother who I saw later in the evening and briefly told him about the zipper not working etc
His bro immediately said, that would have made him sooooo angry! and that he had been so stressed!
Also that they are similar, when they are down they just shut down...
I think the issue is me, I am being too self centred in thinking that everything must be about me.
I really need to drop that childish thought!!!
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You need to stop being a doormat, tell him to go fuck himself, if he doesn't want you the way you are then he can't have you. You're changing yourself to fit in with him which won't work in the long run because you can't change the fundamentals of your personality. It looks like he knows this and isn't fooled by your temporary adjustment to your personality. Also, getting in a hissy fit because he couldn't get a zipper down? Fool should have just ripped it open and got on with his day instead of sulking like a big baby - do you really want a man who can't find a solution to a minor problem.
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Ok, hello there again.
just came back for updates
I actually figured out from this incident (and others in past) that it's actually me who wants some thinking space from him.
Because although I understand the way he gets, meaning cutting off all communications when he's down or angry.
He still hasn't explained or apologised for his behaviour. I'm finding this relationship very one sided.
He expects me to withstand and understand everything he does but not the other way around.
e.g. if I don't reply to his message within 30min he would msg again and call till I do!
That is not someone who I want to be with and I'm going to find a way to communicate that need.
I don't want them to tell me everything etc because I think space alone to cool down is a great thing but just ignoring and not even apologising or giving short explanation to why is just disrespectful.
So He has actually been asking to see me but I've kept busy with other things so I didn't.
He has actually been getting anxious asking me what's going on? But I've been nonchalant.
I've just been hanging out with friends, working out etc
I told him I'm busy tonight as well, I've got training and I'm going for a drink after with a friend.
So I told him I would see him tomorrow.
He's going away on short holiday from saturday to do all the surfing and relaxing he needs, which I think will be great. I need some breather to rebuild my self and think about what I want in a relationship.
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