Problems being the girl

This topic was created in the Relationships forum by deezie on Saturday, March 21, 2009 and has 25 replies.
First I will say that I am in no way a feminist, or on my high horse about being 'equal' gender wise. I'm not bashing those philosophies either.
My problem is that when I'm dating or with someone I like... I find it very hard to accept things from them. This could be nice actions, the guy wanting to pay for dinner... basically... any typical nice-gentleman like thing that guys like to do for girls they like. It makes me very awkward feeling, and I often times will insist upon paying, or whip out my money before the guy can pay, or just feel plain uncomfortable (perhaps indebted) when a guy does something nice for me.
Do any other women feel this way? Guys run into girls that are this way? I know some guys become offended by this behaviour, or even feel emasculated by my actions (which is not at ALL what I want to do to someone I like).
Can anyone offer any suggestions about how I can go about working on this part of myself?
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Never come across a girl that doesen't allow me to pay for the dinner, would be nice for a change since I'm currently in-between jobs.
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Yes, I am this way too. Money, and food, necklace, shoes, exct. None of that matters. What things I would like from a man is 1. Protection. 2. Sex 3. If you want to do a favor and take care of me like build me a new shelf for my books or help me with my car. A practical sort of favors is what I would like. Food and shoes, I can get myself. You know what I mean?
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Over come it? There is nothing wrong with it lol
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if you feel comfortable paying sometimes, by all means do it. after i'm dating a guy for a while i start offering to pay for every other meal and the guy is generally grateful. you also need to make sure that you are trying to test this guy by offering to pay and then if he accepts you hold it against him. that's really stupid in my opinion and i have friends that do that and i think they're psychos haha. i also dont want a guy i'm dating to feel financially burdened by dating me because its not supposed to be putting anyone in debt. i'm enjoying his company too so it seems only seems logical to pay up on occasion
dont waste one more second of your time worrying about whether your offering to pay makes him feel uncomfortable or less manly. that's his baggage, not yours, and if it doesn't sit well with him it's better you find out you're dating a guy with all these insecurities up front than later down the line.
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I don't always feel comfortable with it myself, but I live in the south and a lot of men here feel satisfied by doing it - paying, opening doors, helping in "manly" ways. It doesn't so much matter to me, but it is important to them. So, I've worked out little ways I can feel like I'm giving back, like buying tickets to a ball game or cooking a meal for him. It goes miles more than insisting we split a bill.
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The shoes on my feet
I've bought it
The clothes I'm wearing
I've bought it
The rock I'm rockin'
I've bought it
'Cause I depend on me
If I wanted the watch you're wearin'
I'll buy it
The house I live in
I've bought it
The car I'm driving
I've bought it
I depend on me
(I depend on me)

Nah it's 50/50 for me.....I don't give two hoots who pays as long as its paid...We both work equally as hard..so splits all the way...one thing I don't like is two dollar whores who rinse a guy for his money...that shit pisses me off!
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I have the same issue, I like to pay 50/50 every other meal and just enjoy our time togther, we both work hard and we split it. If he pays every meal or outting, it would make me feel uncomfortable
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i love ewe,
I totally agree. I would even go as far to say that if you are not meeting them in the middle on the first couple of dates, you are invariably going to filter out potentially good guys who see the initial meeting as a chance to see whether you two agree on values, interests etc...not agree on how much money a man should spend on a girl.
Potentially (not always) leaving you with men who either feel like 1) they are entitled to something because they paid for x things 2) men who are just pushovers...if you like that go ahead 3) men who are ardent traditionalists in marriage.
Number 3 doesn't seem so bad to most girls as we are almost taught men should act like gentlemen...but I'll be frank when I say I rarely come across number 3 and I can't stand to relinquish equality in a relationship to someone who thinks he should be the man in every situation.
GemGal
I disagree. I think its unfair to say you bought the following list specifically for a date:

YOu paid for
-make up (moisturising creams, false eyelashes, foundation, lipstick, lipgloss, mascara, pencils, eyeliner, blusher, bronzer, concealer, lose powder)
-perfume
-nails (fake nails cost more)
-dress
-shoes
-accessories
-bag
-hair (styling products or hairdresser, most of the time the hairdresser can cost lots of money).

I don't know about you, but most women I know buy these items for themselves regardless of their relationship status. Its part of having pride in yourself and how you look...
If you don't buy that argument, then you could also expand that list to include gym membership, education, rent, etc...you could argue that all of those things made you a package, a woman to be admired...that's when the line gets a bit ridiculous if you ask me...
Some guys even buy cars to impress girls, spend ridiculous amounts of money on dates and creative adventures...you might want to add that to the guys' expense list.
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sagigoat - I am a pisces... it appears from that board over there, that it's quite typically pisces!
i love ewe - I'm definitely not testing him. It's genuine - "NO really... I'll pay"
Anyways... apparently this feeling I'm having might be attributed to my desire to want to take care of those closest to me. And wanting to ensure their happiness before my own - and thinking that doing things for them, or paying for things accomplishes this. A definite thing in my life I'm still grappling with. At least this time around I'm not dealing with someone that is willing to exploit it!
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deezie,
I'm kinda surprised to hear this...a lot of my pisces friends love getting swept up in the romance of dating. They all equate it to the man being very chivalrous and that goes a long way in this day and age. The only time they'd rather pay is when they feel they owe the guy something (cuz he gave her some gift before) or they don't like the guy enough and feel bad about taking their money when they know they aren't interested in long-term.
I think most guys would find it very refreshing to meet a girl like you. Many would jump at the prospect of a woman being bold enough to pay for them. I would however say if you are just dating someone, they aren't close enough to warrant such good treatment. So I assume you are speaking of someone you are in a solid relationship of considerable duration. Its all about the level of reciprocation.
I know when I really like someone I tend to buy things for him that I know would make him happy...perhaps indulging in this too much...and I too am wary when others abuse/exploit this in me.
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Not a solid relationship at all, and that's a very valid point you bring up. I do tend to push the levels/lines of "too soon." I guess that stems from having a dysfunctional relationship somewhere along the line, and who knows what else!
So very good point indeed, I need to learn how to not lay down all my cards before anyone else has picked theirs up!
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Posted by Sagittarius89
Yes, I am this way too. Money, and food, necklace, shoes, exct. None of that matters. What things I would like from a man is 1. Protection. 2. Sex 3. If you want to do a favor and take care of me like build me a new shelf for my books or help me with my car. A practical sort of favors is what I would like. Food and shoes, I can get myself. You know what I mean?



*Nods*
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Haha yeah! B agrees with me lol. We know whats up. Whatever happened to men like that? lol
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*nods* Ms. P!
The guy in question is a firm believer that women should be treasured/treated with respect. If that means never having to open a door... so be it. I see nothing wrong with that. I can admire that he feels that strongly about treating women as a valuable thing (as opposed to what I've usually come across, which is the men that think women are around to suffice their needs).
Reason being for this thread to be started by myself: I struggle with it (likely due to the fact I have only really experienced the "other" type of guy). It's not out of a desire to assert myself, or prove anything... I just simply don't really know how to deal with it, because I haven't ever had to. It's quite nice for once, to feel valued!
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deezie: The guy in question is a firm believer that women should be treasured/treated with respect.
Sounds like a Virgo!
Seriously, you gotta let the guy do some things for you - it's an honest way of showing affection & devotion.
My Scorpio is a very independent woman, and when we first started dating, she'd let me open the car door for her - but then reach over and open my door before I could get to it...
No woman had ever done that for me before.
Three years later, we still do little things for each other...
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sagigoat: i do that every time i sit in the pessenger seat.
Then, you're a Keeper.
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haha actually Dyar... he's a Scorpio...
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I guess the way I see it.... if I want him to respect me and my wishes, I have to also be sensitive to him and his wishes. He is in no way taking something away from me by paying, or nice gestures, it's not making me feel like less of a woman - so there is no reason why I can't concede now and then (or logically this is how I see it anyways)
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hahaha my apologies.... the longer this thread goes on, the more confused I get about the situation, and my feelings on it! I'm re-reading, and I don't even know wtf I am saying anymore!
But yes sagi - these "gestures" you refer to, that is where I seem to fall short. I'm not good at all at playing the dating game, flirting and the like. I'm not sure why, never have been... and it's starting to become an issue in relating to people who are used to having that element present in dating. (I'm not saying dating game in a negative sense either.... I'm not looking to deceive, just give out signals and take the proper route of disclosure so as to keep everyone in the situation comfortable).
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The paying and all is no problem, I'm always ready and willing to pay but I'll never insist on paying if the woman doesn't want me to, I don't even mind if she wants to pay for everything as well, all I care about is you being there, so we can enjoy this moment. So no I won't harm wrestle her at the dinner table so I can pay the bill and get to keep my manhood. That's not what defines me. The only thing I have very little patience with is, a woman's need to prove that she's independent. If you really are, it will show. The truth needs no defense and when a woman keeps trying to prove that to me, it gets really annoying and really what it shows is an insecure woman, who in reality is very dependent in nature, dependent on others perception of her. I like a smooth ride and my time with you is about the actual experience and not who's paying at the end. I also have a very good memory in that sense, so if you're taking a strong stand one day, don't come with opposite expectations the next day but I really had that problem once, I think for the most part women are okay in that sense, when they're comfortable with you and trust you. It's pretty much a smooth ride all the time when it comes to that. I also don't date quickly, I usually gain my dates trust by the time we have to get to go out. I can pay one day and they pay the next. They pay for one thing, I pay for another.
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Posted by enfant_terrible
Never come across a girl that doesen't allow me to pay for the dinner, would be nice for a change since I'm currently in-between jobs.


LMAO - hey come take me out, I'm cheap! Just a balloon will keep me excited...
but to the question, yea it's difficult being the 'girl' like when someone holds the door for me, I stand there staring at them asking them 'why are you standing there?' --- true story
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Financial things in a relationship/dating should be handled mutually. If I took a girl out and everytime we went somewhere and she just stood there looking at me, waiting for me to pay for w/e, she wouldnt be around very long. There is a line between treating your girl, and being a meal ticket. I dont know about every guy, but I know Im not looking for a stay at home wife or gf with no job, if you cant keep up with me, then find someone else.
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I'm with you, Deezie. I don't see why a woman shouldn't pay BUT a few provisos...
1) It's a good feeling for a guy to pay - he enjoys it sometimes!
2) This attitude can spill over into allowing him to do things for you in bed - and you have to be able to receive pleasure without guilt.
3) I'm currently seeing a Scorp guy who earns very little - in fact he told me a while back he wasn't right for me cos (quote) "You deserve someone who can buy you flowers and take you to dinner..." I lost my Mum at the weekend, and my cooker was broken. This guy asked me over so he could make me a meal. Then he held me close for two hours. Just held me. (The hot sex came later!!!)
Money can't buy that!!!!!!!
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I suppose it is somebody's personal choice whether to 'go after a man for his money' - but I can't see why people would. (Well I'm not stupid, I understand it, but I don't get it...)
Even when I got divorced, I didn't go after his money. Why should I? We're two separate people.
Why should having a vagina mean that you get freebies all the time?**
Where's self-respect, independence, huh??
If it makes a guy feel good to pay for me, that's great. If he is not comfortable with me offering sometimes, that's a bit of a red flag for me, though maybe not for others. I suppose I'd bne wondering why he coiuldn't accept things from me, and how that would affect other aspects of the relationship.
**Is that a silly question to ask on here? lol
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