Red flag?

This topic was created in the Relationships forum by rockyroadicecream on Sunday, April 6, 2014 and has 28 replies.
Soo, there's someone that I've met that I have some semi interest in, and I think it may be vice versa as well. I've been holding off for various reasons, one being that I realized he doesn't contact me first much, so it could just be friendliness on his part. *shrugs* He has invited me to a few things but I wasn't able to make it due to prior commitments.
However, something else that I realized recently may be something else I should pay attention to but I'm not sure if it's much of a red flag or not.
He's in his midish 30s. Has a stable job, and all that.
But I've come to realize that he's out partying a lot. Which is fine, he's single and living up life. But it's a lot of drinking related stuff. Just things you'd see from a young guy in his 20s. Is it really red flag worthy if he's doing this into his mid 30s?
I've actually been torn on figuring if this could be a potential red flag because it could just be him being single and enjoying life with friends and hanging out. But the extent of a lot of it has me kinda going "hmm, could this be an issue at this age? Would I be dealing with another man baby here?"
Thoughts?
details
No, not European.
One thing that I've learned from similar situations, is that some of these guys are stuck in their bachelor ways and can be a bit of a headache. It sounds paranoid, but I've grown rather tired of nutter guys out there dating. I'd rather be single than deal with another waste of time, haha.

Generally, he seems really nice and is a cool guy, though. Whether anything will happen or not is another story. This was just a random pondering of mine.
details
Is he going out to hang with the guys/fill up time or to go drink?
details
That, I'm not sure about. A lot of it seems to be after work/weekends when he has time off. *shrugs*

details
Might be the former so to me not a red flag. Guess you can only wait and see how it plays out.
details
I think the fact that he is inviting you is a good thing!
If he was just out with the lads and acting up that'd be a red flag... He just might be a bit of a social butterfly Big Grin I know the problem well.
details
Posted by LilliLou
I think the fact that he is inviting you is a good thing!
If he was just out with the lads and acting up that'd be a red flag... He just might be a bit of a social butterfly Big Grin I know the problem well.



Yeah, that's the vibe I pick up.
I guess the next question is when would it be considered a red flag?
This isn't about him at this point, it's really a general pondering, haha.
It's like okay, if a guy still acts a fool like he's in his 20s when he's well into his 30s, red flag worthy. But what's the fine line between being social and being a partying man baby that cannot grow up? Lack of job and responsibility along with being a party animal?
details
Posted by rockyroadicecream
Posted by LilliLou
I think the fact that he is inviting you is a good thing!
If he was just out with the lads and acting up that'd be a red flag... He just might be a bit of a social butterfly Big Grin I know the problem well.



Yeah, that's the vibe I pick up.
I guess the next question is when would it be considered a red flag?
This isn't about him at this point, it's really a general pondering, haha.
It's like okay, if a guy still acts a fool like he's in his 20s when he's well into his 30s, red flag worthy. But what's the fine line between being social and being a partying man baby that cannot grow up? Lack of job and responsibility along with being a party animal?
click to expand


I think that there probably should be a slow down, but I am pretty much always busy and 'out'... my new flatmate hardly saw me the first 3 months that he lived with me.
Actually things have been increasingly social as I've gotten older... now its not just partying (in fact its rarely that) but engagement parties, 30ths/ 40ths, weddings, christenings etc...
I also just love going down to the local and having a pint with whomever is free/ keen. Occasionally we might end up having those rolicking blinders that you pay for over the next 3 days, but generally its pretty tame.

So- long winded answer, but what I am getting at is that you might want to tag along one day and see the level of partying and whether it meshes with you, or alarms you? Its largely personal.
If he has a job and its (mostly) on the weekends and its (mostly) in control I would be leaning towards a good fun chap! Sounds like my cuppa tea Winking
details
As said above, just check him out and observe over time. Is he drinking every time that he goes out? Or is he just out with his buddies? Maybe he just likes hanging - not necessarily drinking, because there's nothing better to do Winking

But if your radar continues going off...go with it.
details
I've been coming across A LOTTT of 30-35 yrs old men behaving like they are in their early 20s. Something is in the water. That's the new 30 yr. olds. Pursue with caution : $
details
Posted by LilliLou

I also just love going down to the local and having a pint with whomever is free/ keen. Occasionally we might end up having those rolicking blinders that you pay for over the next 3 days, but generally its pretty tame.

So- long winded answer, but what I am getting at is that you might want to tag along one day and see the level of partying and whether it meshes with you, or alarms you? Its largely personal.
If he has a job and its (mostly) on the weekends and its (mostly) in control I would be leaning towards a good fun chap! Sounds like my cuppa tea Winking


Yeah, I'm cool with him overall. What got me thinking about this was when he was talking about an invite to something that I couldn't make it to. Then he asked about another thing this weekend- a birthday party, but I had a birthday party that I was going to. He was telling me about the one he was going to and it was basically a bar crawl with a theme. Then he asked me about another event that also revolved around alcohol, so it got me thinking. I admitted that I'm not much of a drinker, in regard to the crawl, and he joked about being glad he'd be the only one who wasn't really drinking.
...but today he told me about how he ended up getting wasted, haha.
So yeah, I dunno. It'll just be a wait and see thing.
details
I very rarely get invited to anything that doesn't involve drinking or drinks are on hand unless it is a religious function. It's the way things are these days but then it is up to the individual as to whether they get wasted or are social or don't drink at all.
Up to you to access but don't close off too soon without at least giving him a shot Rocky.
details
hehe- the antipodeans are perplexed! Big Grin
we are pretty much always drinking at a social occasion... even after a christening you need to then wet the babies head right?
us & the irish... always up for a grand old knees up!
details
Posted by Arielle83
It's a red flag if you can't stand it. If you don't like drinking or want to be around it, it will be a problem because you will end up resenting him. You can't change a man into being something else...so if you can't stand it now or question the reason for it, it will piss you off.
Why is it an issue for a man to drink into his 30s and have a social life??
You can be out doing that as well with your friends.


If it's social with him, no big deal. But when alcohol is the basis of one's social life and a way to have fun, I'm sorry, but I'm out. People who revolve their social activities with alcohol and only know how to have "fun" by getting wasted, they're proving what dull people they really are. If you can't have fun without getting drunk, you're just lame as fuck, sorry.
I don't think he's one of those, though. I have no idea why you twisted my question into my being against anyone with a social life that likes to drink on occasion. If anything, I haven't seen it as a red flag myself per se, but when I got to thinking about his age and the frequency of partying, I began to wonder if it could be. Especially when I declined the birthday thing and then when it came to light I wasn't much of a drinker, he admitted that shot down the second set of plans he thought up- a beer festival.
And I am out having a social life with friends, except it doesn't revolve around bars, bar crawls, or events solely based on alcohol.
details
You are already suspicious. Just gauge it now. Meaning, does he have to get wasted every time he's off or goes out? If that's a yes, that's a big red flag. Going out and having a few beers/drinks after work (not every single day) isn't a problem. Just keep an eye on it. You'll know soon enough.
Keep your heart in check until you confirm either way..and go with the flow.
details
Posted by rockyroadicecream
Soo, there's someone that I've met that I have some semi interest in, and I think it may be vice versa as well. I've been holding off for various reasons, one being that I realized he doesn't contact me first much, so it could just be friendliness on his part. *shrugs* He has invited me to a few things but I wasn't able to make it due to prior commitments.
However, something else that I realized recently may be something else I should pay attention to but I'm not sure if it's much of a red flag or not.
He's in his midish 30s. Has a stable job, and all that.
But I've come to realize that he's out partying a lot. Which is fine, he's single and living up life. But it's a lot of drinking related stuff. Just things you'd see from a young guy in his 20s. Is it really red flag worthy if he's doing this into his mid 30s?
I've actually been torn on figuring if this could be a potential red flag because it could just be him being single and enjoying life with friends and hanging out. But the extent of a lot of it has me kinda going "hmm, could this be an issue at this age? Would I be dealing with another man baby here?"
Thoughts?


If he's been doing it steadily since his 20's then it might be that he doesn't want to grow up.
If he's been out of a marriage or long term relationship the last year or so, then it's just living up life and enjoying the single life once again.
So, I suppose it depends on his history and does he drink all the way to drunkenness on a regular basis or can he stop after one beer? A lot of people like to have a drink or two to relax in the evening. Doesn't mean they're alcoholics or anything.
Heck! I still like to do alcohol related things, but I don't do it every day or every weekend.
details
Posted by truecap

So, I suppose it depends on his history and does he drink all the way to drunkenness on a regular basis or can he stop after one beer? A lot of people like to have a drink or two to relax in the evening. Doesn't mean they're alcoholics or anything.
Heck! I still like to do alcohol related things, but I don't do it every day or every weekend.



Key word is "daily," in your statement. It's surprising how many people actually have a drinking problem and don't realize it. To have a drink nightly to "relax" is a bit of a drinking problem, fyi. I know someone like that, and his roommates have given him so much crap about it. He comes home, has several beers post work. Claims he's de-stressing. And these are individuals who drink socially. They're like wtf with the beers every night. :/
My dad was also an alcoholic, and used the same excuse to "relax." If you need a substance to "relax" then you're quite possibly an addict, sorry.
So your statement of "they drink to relax and doesn't mean they're alcoholics" is a tad bit untrue.
I work in an industry that's full of partying and drinking, and some of these people... the rate in which they drink, wow. I wonder how they manage to pay the bills, because that's an expensive habit to have. :/ Also, when I hear them go on about a specific drink or go on about how much they crave a certain drink on a regular basis is a bit wtf. It's like omg you sound like a booze hound, haha.
I think that socially, it's become a regular, "normal" occurrence to drink heavily and nobody realizes that they may be falling into the "alcoholic" category.
/tangent.
I don't have enough info about this guy, so in the meantime, I don't see an issue with it. But I forgot to elaborate that I thought of this because in the few instances he's wanted to invite me to, all involved alcohol, and it just got me wondering is all.
details
Posted by rockyroadicecream
So your statement of "they drink to relax and doesn't mean they're alcoholics" is a tad bit untrue.
I think that socially, it's become a regular, "normal" occurrence to drink heavily and nobody realizes that they may be falling into the "alcoholic" category.



Yep...on both.
details
I would not think of it as a red flag per se, but I would try to figure out his motives. Maybe he is lonely and has not had a real reason to NOT go out and drink all the time. Maybe you can be that somebody to show him that you can have a great quality time in different ways as well? smile
details
Posted by Aries04
I would not think of it as a red flag per se, but I would try to figure out his motives. Maybe he is lonely and has not had a real reason to NOT go out and drink all the time. Maybe you can be that somebody to show him that you can have a great quality time in different ways as well? smile


Yeah, that's come to mind as well.
I'm not exactly pursuing this as a few other factors are holding me back. It's a long story.
But one big definite red flag is he doesn't initiate contact much. So his interest could just be mere friendliness for all I know. *shrugs*
details
Posted by rockyroadicecream
Posted by truecap

So, I suppose it depends on his history and does he drink all the way to drunkenness on a regular basis or can he stop after one beer? A lot of people like to have a drink or two to relax in the evening. Doesn't mean they're alcoholics or anything.
Heck! I still like to do alcohol related things, but I don't do it every day or every weekend.



Key word is "daily," in your statement. It's surprising how many people actually have a drinking problem and don't realize it. To have a drink nightly to "relax" is a bit of a drinking problem, fyi. I know someone like that, and his roommates have given him so much crap about it. He comes home, has several beers post work. Claims he's de-stressing. And these are individuals who drink socially. They're like wtf with the beers every night. :/
My dad was also an alcoholic, and used the same excuse to "relax." If you need a substance to "relax" then you're quite possibly an addict, sorry.
So your statement of "they drink to relax and doesn't mean they're alcoholics" is a tad bit untrue.
I work in an industry that's full of partying and drinking, and some of these people... the rate in which they drink, wow. I wonder how they manage to pay the bills, because that's an expensive habit to have. :/ Also, when I hear them go on about a specific drink or go on about how much they crave a certain drink on a regular basis is a bit wtf. It's like omg you sound like a booze hound, haha.
I think that socially, it's become a regular, "normal" occurrence to drink heavily and nobody realizes that they may be falling into the "alcoholic" category.
/tangent.
I don't have enough info about this guy, so in the meantime, I don't see an issue with it. But I forgot to elaborate that I thought of this because in the few instances he's wanted to invite me to, all involved alcohol, and it just got me wondering is all.
click to expand


Exactly. Daily is the key word. Sometimes after an extra stressful day, one glass of wine to calm down is okay. But if someone can't stop after one or if someone needs to do it every day to calm down, then there's a problem. I guess I didn't word it well.
Still, if it's not every day and if if it's not done in excess, I wouldn't worry about it.
details
i'd say it's a red flag if he's not interested or willing to do anything else, but is going out to drink and socialize at the same level or with the same intent??_ every other night.
is he hitting it just as hard every time? or are there nights where he's out but keeps it to one cocktail or beer? that's what i'd wanna know.
details
People of all ages & maturity levels love having a good night out once in a while.
However people of ALL ages are immature & engage in life style s that although fun, are self-destructive & detrimental to their fiances, relations with others & how others perceive them during 1st impressions. Immature self-destructive behavior isn't just limited to youngins. Unfortunately.
Being a bachelor doesn't = getting stupid wasted to the point of being a near alcoholic, nor does it mean partying so much that it starts to negatively affect your relations/friendships/partnerships with others. Plenty of single men go out, have drinks but then come back down to earth lol Plenty of single men don't overdo it.
If you don't want a guy who drinks or parties a lot, then OWN that. Nothing wrong with that. Trust me, plenty of men are just as turned off by women who seem to be clubrats, & won't feel 1 bit of guilt or shame about that kind of stuff turning them off. Hell some men won't even tolerate a woman who drinks or smokes at all, so don't feel bad about your own preferences b/c you have every right to have them just like everybody else, even if that means that the people you're crushing on sometimes may fit into the "deal breaking" box.
If it didn't bother you, we wouldn't even be having this discussion. If your antennas are up, don't shy away from that. Yes, that's a red flag, but only if you notice that his partying constantly comes b/w all other things that should be important to him (family, school, career, personal relationships/friendships, etc.)
If there is NO evidence that you'd be put on the backburner for his partying life style OR that his partying life style is negatively interfering with or affecting his ability to be mature, have healthy relationships with others & take care of his business, then I see no problem with what he's doing.
It seems that your perception of 30+ year old men is that they oughta be more mature, more settled & consider other things to be exciting other than what 20 year old's feel is the only way to have fun ---> partying too much.
Acknowledge though that some people think a woman shouldn't expect a fully settled man until he's in his late 30's or 40's. And then some people could care less what he does with his time as long as he doesn't have a wife, a girlfriend, any children or anything major that oughta get more of his time.
details
Never said I felt bad about my preferences, so I'm not sure why you're fixated on that booster.
Also, there's nothing here that "bothers" me about any of this. It was a question that was sparked by something I had noticed and was just genuinely curious about a situation like this. I'm not emotionally invested enough to even be "bothered," tbh.
The rest of your input is fine and appreciated. I just don't understand where you're coming from with those points, as this post had nothing to do with bolstering my self esteem nor did I imply that I was bothered, and I know I didn't say I was ready to roll on over, ignoring my own stance on the issue. :/
Just merely curious.
details
Um, I try to remember that there are 1,000 ways to look at something & that sometimes there are hidden variables that the poster hasn't mentioned. What I did was bring a different perspective to the convo. Why people get "offended" by that is beyond me, especially considering people come to this site to get different perspectives.
Secondly, you asked if it were a red flag. Something being a red flag implies a negative connotation. There is nothing unusual about an outsider thinking that if you consider something a red flag that it must somewhat be troubling, possibly negative, confusing or bothersome to them. So calm down.
Thirdly, I never put words in your mouth. You talked about a guy who drinks/parties a lot. I went beneath the surface & gave a possible perspective into why some people do it, & why some outsiders crushing on the party-freak might have justifiable reason to be bothered or consider it a red flag.
It would be no different if you posted asking people if a man calling you 70 times a day was a red flag. It would be completely normal for a person reading that post to at least consider or assume that perhaps that very scenario is going on in your life. Um a lot of people mainly ask questions about things that specifically pertain to their life or current circumstances. Expecting everybody to not think so is unrealistic.
Keep in mind that your post was very general & not very descriptive, so people responding don't have a choice but to use their own imagination & naturally drum up a possible scenario or situation that might be going on, especially if the poster hasn't made that clear in the beginning. If it just so happens that 1 perspective or "guess" doesn't apply to your situation (b/c only YOU know the specifics & can't expect for everyone else to), that's fine but don't be rude or defensive about it sheeesh
Relax.
details
No, you need to relax. I wasn't the least bit upset, just a little confused why you were coming up with some random stuff.
details
Posted by rockyroadicecream
No, you need to relax. I wasn't the least bit upset, just a little confused why you were coming up with some random stuff.


Random????!!!
Almost everything I said had been discussed either by you or others in response to the original post!!!
I brought up partying, the life style , how some people perceive it, how it's understandable that someone could consider it a bad thing or not a red flag at all, & his age. WHY?
Well let's see:
1. YOU brought his age into it. You talked about being surprised that someone in their 30's would party so much. I just so happened to mention that maturity, self-esteem & mental state are all variables in how much a person parties or drinks.(Tell me again how me talking about men in their 20's/30's partying a lot + the reasons they may party a lot is 'random' or off topic)
2. YOU asked if it was a red flag. (I gave you an answer. I mentioned different ways how I could understand a person considering it was a red flag + ways I could understand someone not considering it to be a red flag based on many other variables. Tell me again how thinking about/responding to something YOU said is random or off topic)
3. You gave a few responses to others where you broke it down too, and went in depth as to how you personally feel about certain situations regarding men who drink a little or a lot. (I did the exact same thing. Tell me again how me doing that was random or off topic)
I find it interesting & ironic that I'm the one you targeted with your snide remarks although almost everyone else here is bringing their own perspective to this convo too. Not only that but I recall seeing where you said you should've worded your post/question a little differently. Why would you say that? B/c I'm obviously NOT the only person who may have misunderstood what you were trying to say. But yet you only call ME out on misunderstanding you? INTERESTING.
I apologize for not being you & for not knowing every little thing you're thinking & wanting to hear in YOUR mind.
details
Posted by rockyroadicecream
Soo, there's someone that I've met that I have some semi interest in, and I think it may be vice versa as well. I've been holding off for various reasons, one being that I realized he doesn't contact me first much, so it could just be friendliness on his part. *shrugs* He has invited me to a few things but I wasn't able to make it due to prior commitments.
However, something else that I realized recently may be something else I should pay attention to but I'm not sure if it's much of a red flag or not.
He's in his midish 30s. Has a stable job, and all that.
But I've come to realize that he's out partying a lot. Which is fine, he's single and living up life. But it's a lot of drinking related stuff. Just things you'd see from a young guy in his 20s. Is it really red flag worthy if he's doing this into his mid 30s?
I've actually been torn on figuring if this could be a potential red flag because it could just be him being single and enjoying life with friends and hanging out. But the extent of a lot of it has me kinda going "hmm, could this be an issue at this age? Would I be dealing with another man baby here?"
Thoughts?


So he is having a few drinks a week with his friends.
Big fucking deal.
You would have something to worry about if he was drinking 10+ drinks a night with his buddies.
If he is sipping 2-3 or even 4 pints of Guiness on a night out with his friends, then you have no case here.
details

Leave Your Feedback

We'd love to hear your thoughts! If you're not logged in, you can still share your feedback below. Your input helps us improve the experience for everyone. To post your own content or join the conversation, please log in or create an account.

Home Astrology Comments Forums Search

©1997-2025 dxpnet.com. All Rights Reserved.
Advertising Contact Terms of Use Privacy Policy