Relationship breakdown

Hello,
I have been married for 5 years. He was the first man of my life and he was very serious about our relationship and while I was just exploring it (not that I intended not to marry him), I felt somewhat forced into the marriage after a year of courtship.
We have a little girl who is 2 now. However, over the last year or so, we have grown increasingly apart. Its not just constant fights or arguments, I am finding it hard to mentally connect to him, forget physically. There are no conversations that last for more than a few seconds, while I have always found that a good intelligent conversation is all I need to be happy.
He was never an intelligent type person, but street smart and very friendly. When I look back, I feel I married him out of companionship, but not out of love. I now feel attracted towards other men, and almost feel like I can give myself a chance to have another relationship, where I truly am in love and attracted to someone and emotionally connect to. Afterall, I am not even 3 decades old and have a life ahead.
I try, but he is so rude, stubborn, unkind and has a large ego, I cannot stand it. However, I know many people out there who are dealing with bigger issues, and I feel stupid to sweat the small stuff. I also don't want our baby girl to face concequences of our relationship.
While I want the relationship to work, I just can't see myself getting mentally connected to him anymore. I am lost..

I can appreciate your honesty in stating that you maybe shouldn't have gotten married to this guy and that you did it for all the wrong reasons, perhaps. (not your exact words, just summarizing it).
Well first let's get the obvious out of the way??_ IMO, Hindsight is always wasted because, what happened has happened already. However, you really shouldn't beat yourself up over it. Many have married for the wrong reasons, such as pregnancy, fear of being alone, monetary support, religious reasons, social pressures from family and friends, society expectations, companionship, and many others. And, while it would be great if we could all analyze, process, and be honest in what —WE?? need as individuals, many mis-marriages could be avoided. However, this is the real world, not everything, including something as wonderful as love, is going to be idea and perfect??_
^^^^this is all to say that you can't beat yourself up now, and it is better that you are taking examining what is wrong and what you and your family needs are at this time, rather than go ten, twenty, thirty years in a marriage where everybody is unhappy.
It sounds to me like your biggest immediate concern is how your child will be affected (and trust me, she will be affected either way). How you two handle it all, is what will dictate whether or not your daughter is affected in a negative or positive way. If you raise your daughter in an atmosphere of hostility, lack of affection, distance, constant fighting and arguing (especially if it's not done in a healthy way). As your child grows up, she will begin to understand just how unhappy mommy and daddy are??_she will likely become unhappy and quite possibly see herself as the reason for your unhappiness. Not to mention, an environment like this cannot teach a child how to form proper adult romantic relationships and deal throughout. So, sometimes it might be best for both parents to coexist solely as parents and in separate habitats where the child can see both of you happy and functioning in your lives, but that she is still very much a part of both worlds.
Now??_having said all of the above ^^^^^ let's get to the real pointers here. Understand, first and foremost I am not going to judge you or bash you ok ??_, I have actually been here??_ I married before, and for all the wrong reasons??_ and yes, I wanted out, and like you, I wanted to experience not just the love, but the —In Love??

More??_

Here are a couple of questions to ask yourself, and you need to be really honest with yourself.
—I feel stupid to sweat the small stuff?? ??_
Are your issues really as small as you just don't connect mentally, physically, on any level? Was it always like this? And if not, when did you notice the change and what was going on in your and his life at that time of change? (You don't have to answer here for us, this is a question for you to ponder.)
—While I want the relationship to work, I just can't see myself getting mentally connected to him anymore.??
Have either of you considered counseling? I ask only because a five year marriage might be too short to consider that you have truly grown apart.
Is your husband aware of what you are feeling? I mean have you seriously, and in no uncertain terms, expressed that you feel the two of you are not growing together, but rather drifting away from each other, AND, that you think you two might be happier if you find other people who might offer what you cannot give to each other.
If counseling is the furthest thing from your mind, could it be perhaps, the issue that is most plaguing is that you truly just do not love him anymore in the way that two people should feel love from a romantic angle. I think this is much of what is going on here as I look at what you have written —I now feel attracted towards other men, and almost feel like I can give myself a chance to have another relationship, where I truly am in love and attracted to someone and emotionally connect to.??
Have you met someone new??_ or have some things about your life, as in the things you are doing, places you are going, influenced the fact that you now see that there is a whole buffet of men out there that could definitely turn your head?
Here's my whole thought for you. If the relationship is not what you want, and you really don't have to be there (you can support yourself and daughter quite nicely), you are only going to hurt you, the daughter, and the husband. If you do stay, perhaps out of guilt, you may as well consider that you will cheat on him. How can I say this? Because of this, —I now feel attracted towards other men??

More??_

Many people will probably judge what I am saying, but let's be adult??_ If you can get out of a situation that you do not want to be in, to pursue something/someone that does make you happy, then by all means you should not drag it out. Just understand what you really want is what you must do first, else you??ll always be trading one greenhouse for the other.
We have already assessed that all too many times, people don't evaluate and really examine the reasons for getting into a marriage. As bad as this is, the flip side of the coin is that, it is even worse to walk away without also giving examination and evaluation to the reasons for leaving. You feel me ??_

If I am correct, you are an Aquarian right? May I ask what his sign is? And what age category are you and he? (again you don't have to list actual ages, just the range.

Quote "I would suggest going to counseling with your husband. Try to work things out. Every relationship goes through seasons and phases. You may just be in a low phase right now. It doesn't seem like he has really done anything wrong, just you are feeling disconnected and long for the feeling of "being in love." There is no such thing. Love is a conscious choice and marriage takes a lot of work."

I agree with capgirl here about the seasons and phases of a relationship/marriage...and as I stated in my post to you, the amount of time you guys are married is very very short. Like as in, still should be the honeymoon phase.

So, I do recommend counseling if at all possible. But, if this is not a solution for either of you, then you have to be adult and do what needs to be done before much more time is vested.

@Capgirl

"I've said it before, but there is just no "replacing" a spouse. You will quickly find out that is true."

I believe this person has come to the realization that she should not have married when she did...if you look at her post, she is somewhere in her twenties? and sounds to me like she is not trying to replace the husband, per se, as much as she is trying to gain back her freedom, and have a little more fun in life, before getting married (if ever).

Have you shared this with your husband?

Posted by capgirl75

Posted by SoooGem
@Capgirl

"I've said it before, but there is just no "replacing" a spouse. You will quickly find out that is true."

I believe this person has come to the realization that she should not have married when she did...if you look at her post, she is somewhere in her twenties? and sounds to me like she is not trying to replace the husband, per se, as much as she is trying to gain back her freedom, and have a little more fun in life, before getting married (if ever).

I didn't mean it like that. Just it's harder than it seems to leave a marriage and start over. Grass seems greener, but it really is not.

Obviously, I'm divorced, so I don't believe in just staying together for the sake of staying together. But I think before you break up your family, you should do everything you can to try to work it out. Just my opinion.

Counseling didn't work for me. It was too late, as there was cheating involved. I wish we would have gotten counseling before he acted on those feelings.

click to expand

"it's harder than it seems to leave a marriage and start over. Grass seems greener, but it really is not."
Many things in life are hard, but we do them. Leaving a marriage isn't really hard if there truly is no reason for staying. Also, people do leave marriages and go on to build very happy, loving, healthy, relationships/marriages with someone new...

When I hear statements like this, its like hearing an ex tell you, "Go ahead and leave, you won't find anybody to treat you like I do"


"I think before you break up your family, you should do everything you can to try to work it out. Just my opinion."

I support your opinion,we are in agreement. Especially since there is obviously much that is not being said here, on both parts, his and hers, and based on what she has said, I have also suggested this as well. I feel this way because these issues that were mentioned are fixable perhaps, but they certainly aren't deal breakers...so yes, counseling might help...Maybe not, it just depends on where each person is in their mind and heart.

My point to the other person was that if she really does not want to be there, then perhaps she should follow her mind, if she has truly worked this out within her heart and mind. Staying is not going to make things happy or healthy

Cont...

for any of them, and the chances of her cheating are likely, but equally, he could become resentful, feeling neglected, go and have his extra curricular activity as well. More important, the child is really the one who will be affected the most from two parents carrying on as such.

I was also advising that societal rules and expectations should not be what stops her from trying to find what makes her whole as a person. Only then will she be good for anyone, her daughter, family, friends, relationships, etc.

"Married to a particular person anymore"...is what the last part was suppose to say

FUCK MARRIAGE

Why the hell would you encourage someone to make some sham marriage work when it shouldn't have happened in the first place??

This is such a toxic environment for the kid and you're telling her to work it out?

Stupid as fuck advice, sorry.

OP- evaluate and see if it's worth it. I'd totally condone working it out, but you already admitted that you didn't marry him for the right reasons and you are not happy. You also married the first guy you had a relationship with, which also spells disaster. That is going to affect your child as she gets older.

The real question is, do you think this is going to be an adequate environment for your child?

Posted by rockyroadicecream
Why the hell would you encourage someone to make some sham marriage work when it shouldn't have happened in the first place??

This is such a toxic environment for the kid and you're telling her to work it out?

Stupid as fuck advice, sorry.

OP- evaluate and see if it's worth it. I'd totally condone working it out, but you already admitted that you didn't marry him for the right reasons and you are not happy. You also married the first guy you had a relationship with, which also spells disaster. That is going to affect your child as she gets older.

The real question is, do you think this is going to be an adequate environment for your child?

^^^^^Totally agree...It's not like we telling her to leave her marriage, but we are saying if you know you made a mistake, and it can't be fixed, do what you need to do to make it better for everyone. Also, if she don't want the hubby anymore, she should give him the opportunity to go find someone who will.

The point is, society is so screwed in that, people who don't buy into the whole marriage institute are treated like a bunch of moral-less heathens. Marriage isn't for everyone. Sounds like this person realized it isn't for her, or that she did it at the wrong time in her life.

Too often we hold on to bad marriages for fear of how society will judge us...but through the miserable ass marriage, the worst part is living the lie within the confines of the home, safely away from the prying eyes of others. I guarantee you there are many nights spent fighting, crying, abusing, cheating...yet society says its okay, just stay and work it out because thats what you do when you marry...get outta here with that whack BS.

Posted by trueaquarian


Hello,
I have been married for 5 years. He was the first man of my life

However, over the last year or so, we have grown increasingly apart.

When I look back, I feel I married him out of companionship, but not out of love. I now feel attracted towards other men, and almost feel like I can give myself a chance to have another relationship, where I truly am in love and attracted to someone and emotionally connect to.

While I want the relationship to work, I just can't see myself getting mentally connected to him anymore. I am lost..

The only reason you feel lost is because you are trying to make your mind rationalize the pleadings of your heart ... a person never makes sense out of that, and all attempts lead to confusion.

Sometimes people come into your life for reasons you didn't imagine. Perhaps, his only purpose in your life was to provide you with your daughter, and nothing more.

Whatever reasons you married him for is no longer irrelevant, if the heart for him has disconnected ... what point is there in hashing over reasons why the past is the past? for whatever reason, this chapter of your life is finished .. and to be quite honest, I think your perspective is wallowing in guilt, rather than rejoicing in joy.


Sometimes you think you've lost something, when really you gained ... but, you have to actively recognize this. You've gained much more than you ever lost. You have life experience and a child .... how do those two things lower in value compared to bad feelings of a broken marriage? As if the marriage to a man you never loved would in any way be more important?

And lastly .. children are smarter than you even realize, especially the really young ones because parents are their only influence, and they take in everything you say and do, to learn from. If you stay in a loveless marriage, your daughter will know this, and learn to settle instead of love. If you argue with him all the time (and him with you, since she watches both parents) .. then she learns to lower herself to fighting an issue, rather than rationalizing life obstacles.


Turn the page

dame typos in there ^^^ 'm not even going to fix

Thanks guys. I have been thinking of what you have all said, and have been trying hard to see the positives and make it work. The first thing I have been trying to do is spend quality and relaxing time with my husband and girl.
But there have been many instances over last few weeks months when despite clearly telling my husband that I wish to spend time with —us?? this weekend, he makes plans to go out to friends places (all of us) or invites a good bunch of people over (I mean a dozen atleast), which leads to a lot of housework and exhaustion and lack of time. This is leading to no where. My husband always has excuses to do this, and ultimately I feel like I constantly taunt him for being —social?? or for doing what he finds joy in.
Only yesterday he announced that he has invited a dozen people (who I have never met, and will be visiting our home for first time) over for a meal with us over weekend. I agreed (reluctantly — not wanting to say —NO?? and create an —issue?? again). Only to realise later that the time he has invited these people , happens to be our little girls —End of the Year Event?? at her day care. I brought it to his attention and asked if he can move it around to the day before or dinner instead of lunch (so he can attend the function). It is important to me that he attends, as I feel as parents we should attend this, and it will bring us a lot of joy seeing our little girl participate in the event. But he said its ok, and —he will be fine not to attend??. He said I can attend.
I feel a bit annoyed and disappointed and can't understand how he can miss seeing our little girl perform only once a year, just to entertain his guests.
Am I being unreasonable?

I actually think I communicate quite often, making me sound like the bad person in the relationship. I feel like I voice my feelings and I feel I am persieved by my husband as a constant complainer.Hence I have resorted to not expressing much anymore. I thought if I keep quiet for a while, it will be more peaceful and he will feel more happier.

I am for the counceling... it is worth a try. Men and women communicate differently, that is all. You can say that you are communicating all the time... but as a man, I have to say that I am not always listening. Women like to have discussions as soon as the man gets home... but it is at THIS moment, that a man needs his time alone... to unwind without being required to be the sounding board... 30 minutes would suffice.

It is very American to assume that the 'Happily Ever After' can be the only end result of a marriage. Marriage was invented as a means of inheriting the other's 'stuff'... but somewhere, someone decided it was to be the ultimate declaration of 'love'. Despite this fact... this is where you are.

You are the one contemplating leaving... it is evident that something has to change... how do you really want it to change ? Is there hope ? Is it finished ? Try the counceling... if he doesn't want to try, then tell him that you are not happy and explain your reasoning. Once you say the word 'divorce' in this conversation... you will have his COMPLETE attention. Don't use it as an ultimatum or weapon... just your honest expression of how you have been feeling. It is not fair for him not to know what is going on inside of you... you are in a couple... and all too often, the woman has decided the fate, long before the man ever even knew anything was wrong. You are right though... he understands nothing... make him understand. Maybe he will surprise you... maybe he has been thinking the same thing. Get it all out in the open now... only then will you know in which direction it should go.

Stop being a damned doormat and do what's best for your kid. He can't even be bothered to go to something of HERS and is choosing some new friends of his over your kid.

What the hell is wrong with this picture?

OH HAY HE CAN GO PARTY WITH FRIENDS AND HAVE A SOCIAL LIFE, BUT BEING A FATHER? OH NO THAT'S ALL ON YOU.

I highly suggest you look into Gottman's books on marriage. I found this blog and it looks like it has some of the exercises that are in some of his books. http://www.gottmanblog.com/ Gottman suggests that you don't need to be crazy in love ... you just need to be appreciate friends. For me, this approach works.

Relationships are hard especially with little children in the picture. I know SO MANY people that just fold on their marriage right when their children turn 3 or 4.

You have a child. You are talking about meeting and loving other men, probably introducing them to your daughter at some point. Not to be a jerk, but how do you feel about another woman being a mom to your child? Because if you are meeting other people, your partner will be too. And men usually remarry quickly after divorce, which means there will be another woman in your child's life. This may not seem like a big deal but it can be.

I remember many years ago a man who had been married 25+ years telling me that everyone at somepoint in a marriage is tempted and thinks they may have made a mistake. Maybe they meet someone who seems really great and they can't help wonder if there relationship would be better with this person rather than the person they marry. Character is sticking with commitments you make.

I recommend doing everything you can to save your marriage. Divorce shouldn't be the immediate go to. Work on your marriage. It will shape your daughter more than you think. All the best.