Spacial Awareness

This topic was created in the Relationships forum by LillyPetal on Thursday, February 11, 2016 and has 26 replies.
My boyfriend...he is amazing. I have never wanted to fall into another human soul as much as I do his.

I used to be solitary - preferring to keep to myself. I guarded my bubble and I was happily miserable that way. Time spent with people only served to make me feel lonely as I could not relate nor connect with them. I will be the first to say that I may be socially "retarded." A mix of introversion and extroversion, people seem to love being around me without noticing the pain it causes me to engage them. I go into an auto-pilot of charm - the kind that makes people say: "She is such the charismatic social butterfly!" All the while unaware that my wings come with seams and I've artificially attached them because society demands you fly or be left behind.

I appreciate space. I value it. I've always been one to grant people space, more than they needed. When my BF told me he sometimes needs to unplug, I could not have been more relieved: "Finally! Someone who values solidarity!"

We have been spending much time together. So much so that his mother assumed I was at their house the day before last and offered us dinner. "Lily isn't here, mom." "Why not?" His mother is a sweetheart. I texted him yesterday after class: "Is my boyfriend still on campus?" He responded, "Nope." He was at home doing homework. "I miss you. But I honestly like it this way." "You like doing homework or you like missing me?" "I like looking forward to seeing you."

Everything went deaf inside me. I stared at his text. My mind was blank. I felt nothing. But I couldn't say nothing. Several minutes later I responded, "Sounds good; I'll leave you to focus on your studies." "Hey," he responded not a moment later. "I love you."

I stared at the text, still feeling nothing. The kind of quiet that accompanies an electrical blackout. Moments pass, "And I love you."

Today, and I still haven't sorted my feelings or thoughts. I feel as though I cannot even begin to grasp them. They haven't even manifested - I just think my thoughts may be there. Why. He hasn't done anything or said anything wrong. He hasn't said anything unexpected. In fact, had I not once suggested we take some time to do our own thing so as not to unconsciously revolve our daily schedules around each other?

This weather has me in an odd mood. Perhaps I need space to sort my sh it out. A lot has happened since I first met him in December. So much that belies the calendar days - too much for our units of time to hold or quantify. I didn't go to campus today, missing both my Honors psychology and Honors speech classes. I will vacuum the house and dust. I will listen to music. I watched 'Diary of a Teenage Girl.' It's inspired me to do some drawing.

...wait. I left my art things at my boyfriend's house.
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He called me at 3:53PM. I didn't answer. I have learned that when my own mind is disorganized, interacting with others further confuses me, and I create a mental, finger-painting mess. Instead, I sent him a message that read: "Lily is in her turtle shell right now. She says she needs to be alone. She says how she hasn't realized how much she needed to disconnect until now. She thinks it's great that both your and her solitary cycles are coinciding. She says she loves you, and she is realizing it more as each moment passes. Lily hopes you are having a great day and that you passed your maths test."

He didn't respond. Meanwhile, I had vaccumed, dusted, and organized the entire house and did laundry. At 9:20PM, there was a ring at the door. My younger brother peeped through the window in time to see my boyfriend place something on the doorstep before running to his car and driving off. It was a brown paper bag with two presents in it: natural dark chocolate with cinnamon, cayenne, & cherries (some of my favorite things.) Proceeds from the chocolate go towards non-profit partners that preserve wildlife. There was a beautiful photograph of a Gold Lion Tamarin on the wrapper. I spent some time watching videos on them. The other present was a salt crystal with aloe Vera. He was concerned with my use of mainstream deodorants because of the chemicals.

I sent him a thank you text: "I love my presents. They are so thoughtful. Thank you, Papriko. The Golden Lion Tamarin on the wrapper is beautiful."

He responded: "Your boyfriend has no idea what you're talking about but he loves you."

He makes my heart full.
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I feel so squishy and at peace from reading this. Thanks for sharing, Lilly. smile
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Posted by Coucou
I feel so squishy and at peace from reading this. Thanks for sharing, Lilly. smile

You're welcome, my friend. 🌷
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Finally Lilly, this was change from the rubbish that often spews out on dxp.

That was a wonderful post and thank you for sharing the moment with us. smile

There is nothing like the knowledge that your SO is there, not fully comprehending the emotional/mental confusion but still supportive and understanding, especially even when you are feeling under the weather and confused.

Small gestures are truly wonderful.

It warms me to read this, and how it reminds me of the immeasurable amounts of small things my SO has done for me.

/sauntersofftoespressmyappreciation
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This is the most adorable thing I've read in a while.
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Posted by TheLadyScorpio
Finally Lilly, this was change from the rubbish that often spews out on dxp.

That was a wonderful post and thank you for sharing the moment with us. smile

There is nothing like the knowledge that your SO is there, not fully comprehending the emotional/mental confusion but still supportive and understanding, especially even when you are feeling under the weather and confused.

Small gestures are truly wonderful.

It warms me to read this, and how it reminds me of the immeasurable amounts of small things my SO has done for me.

/sauntersofftoespressmyappreciation

So much to be thankful for. Thank you for sharing your words. 🌸
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Posted by starlover
Awwwww Lil


What is your bf's chart like?




I have no idea. I made it a point to not research, ahaha. He was born on December 22nd, so he's a sag/cap hybrid, I suppose. *^___^*
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My BF is a musician. He plays drums and writes while his brother plays guitar and sometimes writes. They, in turn, record in their father's home studio.

Two weeks ago, on a Saturday, my BF had arranged a jam session with his brother. However, my BF and I had spent the day together and that carried on well into the evening. In other words, he stood his brother up. His brother was not pleased and was upset by the time we got home. He sadly rejected the blizzard we had picked up for him. I apologized, and he moodily acknowledged it. When I was upstairs in my BF's room, his mother ("Mama," I call her) called him down to speak to him and his brother.

My BF returned upstairs, and he was acting casually, but I could tell he was upset. He let his brother down and he didn't know how to apologize. "Do you think you're mother is right about your brother and him not being around that often anymore? I think it's special that he wants to make time for you for the both of you to work on your music and creativity. Perhaps you and I need to find a balance?" My boyfriend listened as I gently spoke and he nodded to let me know he was acknowledging what I was saying. "How about this: How about we make Saturday's "Brotherday"? Just you and him...""I don't do well with scheduling, Lilly. Every day of the week is regimented in some way because of work or college; it's not good for me, but people don't seem to see that. I just don't operate on scheduling. I only began making plans when I started dating you." He then added, "I would like for Saturday to be girlfriendday."

I reminded him that we have the week to see one another (between class and work) and that Sundays and breaks are still realistic options. "I don't want your brother to resent me or, more importantly, for you to neglect your music."

Since that conversation, Saturday's have been left open for him to be with his brother. I only text him good morning/nights, but other than that, I leave him be. We are at the stage where we are trying to balance our emotions for one another. I work all morning Friday and then dance Friday's from 1:30-4:00, so that leaves him open to work on his sketchbook/homework/writing/etc.

I want him to myself all of the time, but I know this is for the best. Not unlike him, I also don't appreciate the predictability of schedules, but I am aware that if we don't make a conscious effort, we will get lost in one another because we are still at the beginning stages of our relationship.

The space is a good thing. I know he needs it, and the loner in me needs it, too. It's interesting how our own minds may betray us so that we do things we know our Selves don't necessarily want.
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Thank you for sharing ❤❤❤
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That was beautifully written btw. What's your sun and moon? If I may ask
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You're welcome, my friend. *^___^*
I'm an Aries sun and Pisces moon.
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Posted by LillyPetal
You're welcome, my friend. *^___^*
I'm an Aries sun and Pisces moon.


Makes so much sense smile Pisces placement makes one a bit artsy smile
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Beautiful!

Thanks for sharing! Your post gave me a little hope.

I find similarities in lot of what you wrote about yourself. How did you guys meet? I often feel my introspective/protective nature may hinder me from ever having such a wonderful soul match.

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You're craycray, CC. Yes, I first heard him wrong when he told me his birthday. He's a sag/cap hybrid. My very first BF was a Virgo. I am thankful for him because he was my first experience with non-platonic love, and he set the bar with which I used to measure other guys against. I honestly thought no man I would meet here would love up to the standards he set and I believed I deserved. Now, this sag/cap is more than what I could have ever hoped for - he has shown me a new level I never thought possible organically and realistically. He is breaking all of my rules - there was a moment on DXP when I wrote about not ever dating a sag. C'est la vie. It's what I get for being so bold as to assert "never."

Heh, thank you. "Really extremely good at love." I haven't thought of myself like that before; it's rather intimidating; I simply try to be genuine, I guess, in the things I do and say and think. But, yes, the only thing I am being careful of is to not retreat into my shell. I have the tendency to give or take so much space that it turns into distance...

I will see him tomorrow. I have invited him to join my siblings and me for an evening at the movies to see Deadpool. Perhaps we will have lunch prior. Honestly, now that I've had my moment to disconnect, my space is better with him in it...
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Posted by stillwaterspmt
Beautiful!

Thanks for sharing! Your post gave me a little hope.

I find similarities in lot of what you wrote about yourself. How did you guys meet? I often feel my introspective/protective nature may hinder me from ever having such a wonderful soul match.



It was the end of semester at college. I work on campus at the library and I was Editor-in-Chief of the college paper. I was having a bad day and was feeling jaded coming off my newspaper staff meeting. I decided to stop by the campus student lounge to unwind for a bit before heading home. I was in leggings, beat up boots, and my green Gir Invader Zim hoodie. I had the hood up, so the ears were flopping around. As I entered the door, he looked up at me from where he was sitting. He looked at me intensely and smiled. I was honestly caught off guard because his eyes could have boiled my molecules. I smiled and looked away. I went to a table and began to resume my Introvert Position of placing things on the chairs closest to me to keep people from sitting there and engaging me. Just as I was about to block the last chair, he was there, pulling it out to sit. "Hey, your hoodie is Gir, right?" I was suprised, at both his bold interruption and his disruption of my setting up my defenses, and his rare knowledge of Gir. "Yes. Invader Zim..." I couldn't help but smile. He smiled back. "Yes, yes...I love that sh it." His manner of speaking struck me as odd. His demanor struck me as odd. His clothes struck me as odd. I liked it a lot. He was wearing an old, brown, leather long jacket with a patch that he sowed on the back. The patch was a black-ink depiction of a Muslim girl wearing the Palestinain scarf; it captioned: "Resistence isn't terrorism."

He sat down and opened his sketchbook to continue his drawing that he must have been working on when I walked in. His art style was strange. I liked it. He shared his art with me and we went through his book, page by page. He was using a notebook, so his art was bookmarked with pages of notes he took in class. He has a strange way of taking notes: he seems to write in shorthand, so his notes are a bunch of words that make no sense to anyone else but him. It was amazing go listen to him recall and put his notes into context. He is extremely intelligent.
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Continued:

I looked at his work, and we interpreted it together. A lot of what I said never crossed his mind, but my thoughts seemed to make perfect sense to him - opposite perspectives that both worked. He draws in pen because it's more decisive. With pencil, he feels he would never finish anything because he would be too busy erasing to making things perfect. That mindset means that he often has to turn "mistakes" into something that works. That leads him to some of his most creative pieces, and it also gives him the unique perspective of seeing beauty in odd places, in imperfection, or in things people label as "defective" or "deformed." He sees them for what they are, but it's made beautiful in his eyes. "See how that girl's mouth curls up when she smiles? It's so interesting to me." I appreciate so much more now because I find myself taking the time to notice.

He likes The Moldy Peaches. I have yet to meet anyone who knows who they are, let alone like them. He took out his iPod, it was old gen. He placed his massive headphones on my head and played an Uncluded song (she was the female singer of the The Moldy Peaches.) I sat quietly listening. He sat quietly drawing.

Suddenly he had to leave. He placed his hand on my arm to get my attention. I noticed that I didn't react like I usually do - I don't like to be touched and often feel anxious. But, with him, I didn't mind. He removed his fingerless-gloved hand to collect his things. I watched him move. I longed for his hand to touch me again. Just before he left, he ripped a page out of his notebook. He was sketching me the whole time. "I...yeah...it's not very good. Heh. I'm not good at drawing good-looking people. You look sad." "No, it's wonderful. Perhaps you caught me in a moment." "I tend to make people look depressed. Hey - like gummy bears?" I say, "Yes, especially the red ones." He pours me a handful before saying bye and rushing out.

Later that night, as I went through the day's paperwork, I noticed my new class schedule. On the bottom he had written out his phone number. I sat for a moment and wondered if I wanted to text him. "Live outside your box, Lily. Remember? That's your mantra for 2015." So, I texted him. Til this day he laughs at how formal I was. He invited me out to a park (we went hiking) for the very next day, and the rest is history. We've been strangers for a moment and together for two months and almost-three weeks. *^___^*

As for your introspective/protective nature: I wasn't looking; he found me and I allowed myself to be found. He didn't break my walls; he seems to be helping me paint it.
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Posted by babygurl
That was so romantic!

I really hope things continue to go smooth and loving for the both of you.

I'm picturing the two of you getting married in the future and you retelling this story to your children!

It's perfect and beautiful!


[I hope one day to see you two on house hunters buying a house together for you and your little one.
I know I wouldn't even know if it's that you both, if I saw you but it's just something so romantic that a couple can go searching and letting us witness the home they might decide for their family]

I'm such a dreamer sometimes!!

Continue with your happiness and love Op!! Your story was so touching and beautiful!



Although the idea of being on TV in that way is enough to make both of us run, hahahaha, I appreciate your words and well-wishes. Thank you. *^___^* 🌷
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Posted by Westsidekodak
Posted by LillyPetal
You're welcome, my friend. *^___^*
I'm an Aries sun and Pisces moon.


Have you guys ever brought up the things about the past... like the scorpio guy?
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We've discussed things, so I have a bit of an idea of his past and he, mine. If anything, I wanted BF to know about Virgo since he was my first and only love before I met him. But it's not really a concern to either of us. Sometimes things come up and we may relate it to something in the past (like if we are watching a movie and there is a familiar scenario or if either of us reads something and has a question to hear the other's perspective.) When things do come up, it's in a conversational context, not in a heavy spotlight "this is The Talk" manner.

After talking about things, they seem so inconsequential that we don't focus a lot of mental energy or emotion on the past. It has nothing to do with Us. They are mere anecdotes that serve to further our understanding and appreciation of one another. I find that I tend to be more curious (read: nosy) about his past than he is mine. But even then, it's at a minimum from me.
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By the way, is that the cat from "cat eats bunny with pancakes"? His expression is priceless. I love cats so much.
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Posted by Westsidekodak
Posted by LillyPetal
Posted by Westsidekodak
Posted by LillyPetal
You're welcome, my friend. *^___^*
I'm an Aries sun and Pisces moon.


Have you guys ever brought up the things about the past... like the scorpio guy?

We've discussed things, so I have a bit of an idea of his past and he, mine. If anything, I wanted BF to know about Virgo since he was my first and only love before I met him. But it's not really a concern to either of us. Sometimes things come up and we may relate it to something in the past (like if we are watching a movie and there is a familiar scenario or if either of us reads something and has a question to hear the other's perspective.) When things do come up, it's in a conversational context, not in a heavy spotlight "this is The Talk" manner.

After talking about things, they seem so inconsequential that we don't focus a lot of mental energy or emotion on the past. It has nothing to do with Us. They are mere anecdotes that serve to further our understanding and appreciation of one another. I find that I tend to be more curious (read: nosy) about his past than he is mine. But even then, it's at a minimum from me.


Hmmm.... Sounds like your clear for take off. *thumbs up*
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Hahaha, I'm not sure I get the flight metaphor, but I'll take it. How is life on the west coast? How is your passion? Still putting in the scheduled hours to build your dreams, I hope?
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Posted by Westsidekodak
Posted by LillyPetal
By the way, is that the cat from "cat eats bunny with pancakes"? His expression is priceless. I love cats so much.

No idea but my girlfriend sent me a care package for valentines day with a stuffed grumpy cat teddy bear LOL Looks like this cat too
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That's very sweet and thoughtful. Much love from the East Coast < 3 I'm happy to hear things are still going well between you two. You both deserve that and more.

Determined to make that double-date, I see.
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Posted by Westsidekodak
Posted by LillyPetal
Posted by Westsidekodak
Posted by LillyPetal
Posted by Westsidekodak
Posted by LillyPetal
You're welcome, my friend. *^___^*
I'm an Aries sun and Pisces moon.


Have you guys ever brought up the things about the past... like the scorpio guy?

We've discussed things, so I have a bit of an idea of his past and he, mine. If anything, I wanted BF to know about Virgo since he was my first and only love before I met him. But it's not really a concern to either of us. Sometimes things come up and we may relate it to something in the past (like if we are watching a movie and there is a familiar scenario or if either of us reads something and has a question to hear the other's perspective.) When things do come up, it's in a conversational context, not in a heavy spotlight "this is The Talk" manner.

After talking about things, they seem so inconsequential that we don't focus a lot of mental energy or emotion on the past. It has nothing to do with Us. They are mere anecdotes that serve to further our understanding and appreciation of one another. I find that I tend to be more curious (read: nosy) about his past than he is mine. But even then, it's at a minimum from me.


Hmmm.... Sounds like your clear for take off. *thumbs up*

Hahaha, I'm not sure I get the flight metaphor, but I'll take it. How is life on the west coast? How is your passion? Still putting in the scheduled hours to build your dreams, I hope?

Yup. its a long story, but ah. Feel in love. Building two businesses. Working at a good insurance firm. I have no free time and things are about to get even more hectic. And I love my life.
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Godspeed, my friend! May the blessing continue to rain down on you! I am so happy to hear that. < 3
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Cheers, Kodak! 🌸
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Posted by Westsidekodak
@LillyPetal

Ha, you already knew I was a crazy man driven to chase my freedom. God bless you Lils, I'm glad to see you found that ole elusive piece of the puzzle of life. =)

I am both thankful and humbled by it, I can't words. I am content. Muchas gracias

Your freedom didn't stand a chance. You absolutely ran it down and seized it.
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Thanks @LillyPetal for addressing my question. Ever more hopeful. You both seem like such interesting, creative, and unique people- and this meeting of the minds/hearts was inevitable.

You're such a descriptive writer- do you write fiction as a hobby? Just wondering. Also, you've inspired me to take up the pen (keyboard now) and get back to writing again. Thank you, thank you- for being brave and willing to open your doors to yet another adventure on the path to love. I know how scary it can be for us introverted types.

Wishing you the best...

Aries/sun
Taurus/moon
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