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May 06, 2010Comments: 2 · Posts: 463 · Topics: 14
I have this 'frenemy' that has over the past year become more & more mean-spirited. There were some early signs, but I chose to ignore them and have a good time with her, hoping that she would grow up; grow out of it. Woe, I was wrong. Her ego revels in the fact that she can put others down and belittle them. Her behavior has escalated and I want to let go. It's been hard for me considering she's been my BFF for 20 years (yes, we go waaaay back) and I'll be seeing her around (social circles are intertwined). Tried to talk it out with her, but her lack of self-awareness and stubbornness made it difficult to get the point across. I've wasted a lot of time and energy on self-doubt, wondering if I did anything wrong, etc. But then I realized that its not me. She's angry, insecure or unhappy and she's projecting it. Its hard for people to change, especially when they DON'T WANT to. She likes it, it makes her feel good to make me feel bad and hold me back. Honestly though, I'm over it and realize that she's a cunt. Like a fly buzzing around your food. She's on the ice now. It's hard because I'll still be seeing her around. And practically any chance of interacting with her opens the opportunity for her to be a bitch. I'm sensitive, she knows this, and takes advantage of that. I'm giving up on her. It's over now.
Open to words of wisdom.
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Sep 29, 2010Comments: 2 · Posts: 1652 · Topics: 19
I am going through/went through just exactly what you describe. I had known a person for upwards of 20 years. They had been one of the most warm, kind people I had ever met. But, over about the last two years they have become more and more hateful and mean spirited. I found myself in denial, basically. I tried to defend this person even. I did so because in my view this person was the wonderful, warm, caring person I had known for so long. Eventually, I had to admit that something fundamental had changed in this person. I have been in actual mourning for a while now. My friend who I cared for so much has pretty much died. I am telling myself that the person I now have to deal with is my old friends "doppelganger," and that my old friend has indeed actually dies. It is about the only way I can deal with the whole situation.
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Nov 29, 2012Comments: 0 · Posts: 316 · Topics: 16
Move onto the next season of your life. If you guys are meant to stay friends then, she will come back into your life with her emotional act together...
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Feb 26, 2008Comments: 0 · Posts: 8735 · Topics: 522
This is a tricky situation b/c we've all been taught that friendships should be able to survive everything, even situations like this where a person changes for the worst
But on the other hand, you're absolutely right. How long you've known her is actually revelant when you consider the fact that anyone who wants to be in your life has to uplift you, not bring you down. And that goes for family too
People change. They go through things. And as evil/bitter as they may become at some point, sometimes you have to be compassionate & place yourself in their shoes. And make sure you're doing YOUR part as a 'friend' by not being judgmental or leaving her high and dry just b/c she's not being who she used to be or who you want her to be
So I can see it both ways. I doubt she just randomly changed. Something happened.
The real question is, do you believe this change in her is most likely to be only temporary (a phase) or permanent? Truth is, both could be a very big possibility
So it all depends on the risk you're willing to take.
If you're the kind of person that doesn't allow toxic people in your immediate space/circle, she's gonna have to go for right now. Maybe not forever, but for now b/c it's not fair for her or anyone to expect you to be a punching bag or for you to endorse wrongdoing
And yes, entertaining someone who lives for wrongdoing/drama is you enabling or endorsing that.
No one can tell you whether or not to be done though b/c some will say this is the time when you need to show loyalty to self the most, while others might suggest loyalty to her. And both would have good points
Personally, I don't allow anyone into my circle if they are toxic. That not only goes for lifetime friends, but also family. idc if I've known you for 100 yrs or if you're my brother, if you're toxic to my life, I may not cut you off complately, but there's no rule that says I have to/oughta put up with mistreatment either just b/c we technically are 'blood' or friends
If I were you, I'd take a break. Take a step back. Reevaluate things. And if the truth is that the frinedship is no longer as important to you as it was, then let the friendship go, and don't feel guilty for doing so.
If on the other hand a part of you is holding out b/c you've got hope that she'll change back into her old self or change for the better period, then be that good ride or die friend, BUT from a distance