Trusting again..
This topic was created in the Relationships forum by AnnaPhototaker on Friday, November 15, 2013 and has 30 replies.
To people who's been cheated on, lied to, played, hurt:
Would you trust the person again or give him/her a second chance? Why and why not.
And what would you expect from the person to get that trust back? Actions or something.
Would you trust the person again or give him/her a second chance? Why and why not.
And what would you expect from the person to get that trust back? Actions or something.
It's inevitable that some people will hurt you. The people that have been married for 25 or 50 years most likely have dealt with "scandals" of their own within that relationship/marriage. It's just that they got through them. But reality says that every relationship/marriage won't get through them.
So how do you determine which relationship is worth staying in after betrayal vs. the ones you should let go of
Well you take into consideration a lot of things:
1. Was the betrayal intentional or not. Intentional betrayal should always be more cause for a separation.
2. Was the betrayal something that kept occurring for a long period of time? There's a difference b/w a 1-time mistake and a 6 month mistake! The longer a betrayal has gone on, the more likely the person has considered the consequences, & if they've considered the consequences every time but yet betrayed you anyways, then that's more cause to leave the relationship simply b/c it's not healthy to be with a person who can easily take the risk of losing you all in the name of doing something with someone else who probably means nothing!
3. How long ago did it happen? If the betrayal happened a long time ago, but you're just finding out about it, look back & see if there were any signs that they've changed or stopped the behavior. If what they did was recent, then that's different.
4. Do they have a history of betraying you or others in this same way? Yes, people change. BUT people are also creatures of habit. If someone has shown time & time again that they can't seem to control a particular demon in them, chances are they won't ever be able to. And if they do, it'll probably be long after you're gone.
5. Have they admitted to the mistake? And if so, are they justifying it? It's more cause for a breakup if the person admits to the mistake, BUT also justifies why they did it at the same time. People don't change what they don't acknowledge. People don't stop doing what they secretly justify. Always remember that. However, if you get the sense that they "get it," & if they share with you their plan on how to avoid the same mistake in the future, then that's cause for forgiveness.
6. And MOST IMPORTANTLY...Is taking them back & taking the chance that they may hurt you in this way again, a risk you're willing to take?! The answer to this question has nothing to do with how much you love that person, but moreso to do with whether or not your heart can emotionally afford to get hu
So how do you determine which relationship is worth staying in after betrayal vs. the ones you should let go of
Well you take into consideration a lot of things:
1. Was the betrayal intentional or not. Intentional betrayal should always be more cause for a separation.
2. Was the betrayal something that kept occurring for a long period of time? There's a difference b/w a 1-time mistake and a 6 month mistake! The longer a betrayal has gone on, the more likely the person has considered the consequences, & if they've considered the consequences every time but yet betrayed you anyways, then that's more cause to leave the relationship simply b/c it's not healthy to be with a person who can easily take the risk of losing you all in the name of doing something with someone else who probably means nothing!
3. How long ago did it happen? If the betrayal happened a long time ago, but you're just finding out about it, look back & see if there were any signs that they've changed or stopped the behavior. If what they did was recent, then that's different.
4. Do they have a history of betraying you or others in this same way? Yes, people change. BUT people are also creatures of habit. If someone has shown time & time again that they can't seem to control a particular demon in them, chances are they won't ever be able to. And if they do, it'll probably be long after you're gone.
5. Have they admitted to the mistake? And if so, are they justifying it? It's more cause for a breakup if the person admits to the mistake, BUT also justifies why they did it at the same time. People don't change what they don't acknowledge. People don't stop doing what they secretly justify. Always remember that. However, if you get the sense that they "get it," & if they share with you their plan on how to avoid the same mistake in the future, then that's cause for forgiveness.
6. And MOST IMPORTANTLY...Is taking them back & taking the chance that they may hurt you in this way again, a risk you're willing to take?! The answer to this question has nothing to do with how much you love that person, but moreso to do with whether or not your heart can emotionally afford to get hu
...6. And MOST IMPORTANTLY...Is taking them back & taking the chance that they may hurt you in this way again, a risk you're willing to take?! The answer to this question has nothing to do with how much you love that person, but moreso to do with whether or not your heart can emotionally afford to get hurt again. Sometimes you can be madly in love with someone & the answer be NO!
AND 7. Will you be able to trust them ever again even if they make all the right amends to fix it, confess everything to you, acknowledge their mistake(s), & do everything they can to make it up to you? Sometimes the answer deep down is NO. And again, it has nothing to do with how much you love that person, but moreso to do with where your heart is on the "Betrayal tolerance" meter. You never know when your bullsh**t will be someone's last straw. You never know when your bullsh**t will be the darkness that brings ice to your heart. If the answer is NO, then that's enough cause to leave the relationship
AND 7. Will you be able to trust them ever again even if they make all the right amends to fix it, confess everything to you, acknowledge their mistake(s), & do everything they can to make it up to you? Sometimes the answer deep down is NO. And again, it has nothing to do with how much you love that person, but moreso to do with where your heart is on the "Betrayal tolerance" meter. You never know when your bullsh**t will be someone's last straw. You never know when your bullsh**t will be the darkness that brings ice to your heart. If the answer is NO, then that's enough cause to leave the relationship
8. This is a time to reflect on why you were REALLY in the relationship to begin with! Are you with them b/c you settled? Was it really even love to begin with? Are you only contemplating to stay b/c you secretly believe that you won't ever get better? Feeling hurt, anger, betrayal, sadness & abuse defeats the purpose of being in a relationship! If your partner is doing/saying things to you that only enemies do to people, then you might need to consider leaving. If you're staying b/c you don't think you can get better, then you need to leave the relationship anyways to refocus on gaining back your self-esteem. If after reflecting you realize that the love was always 1-sided, then it's time to go.
Sometimes a person looks back & starts to remember things that they overlooked before the betrayal occurred (or when they were in the blind phase of love). Unfortunately, some times it take a betrayal for a person's eyes/logic to fully open again! And that's a GOOD thing. So when you're reflecting, use that time wisely b/c your intuition/instincts are usually 99% right when you're feeling them from a state of logic, not emotion.
Sometimes a person looks back & starts to remember things that they overlooked before the betrayal occurred (or when they were in the blind phase of love). Unfortunately, some times it take a betrayal for a person's eyes/logic to fully open again! And that's a GOOD thing. So when you're reflecting, use that time wisely b/c your intuition/instincts are usually 99% right when you're feeling them from a state of logic, not emotion.
It's important to not using leaving as a 1st resort b/c you have to face the reality that everyone will disappoint you at least 1 time in at least 1 way in your life. And if you can't ever handle that or learn the ability of forgiveness, then you'll have to let go of the wishes/dreams to be in a long-lasting relationship.
Every relationship will have it's ups & downs. It's up to YOU though to decide which "Downs" you'll be able to forgive & put up with. Everyone's answers will be different.
The woman whose been cheated on 10 times in the past may not be so forgiving this time vs. the woman who finds it easier to forgive b/c this is her 1st time being cheated on. The person who grew up around abuse may (or may not) put up with it simply b/c they've already dealt with it long enough (childhood). The person whose settled in so many other past relationships may not stay with you this time b/c they're finally sick & tired of being sick and tired.
Every relationship will have it's ups & downs. It's up to YOU though to decide which "Downs" you'll be able to forgive & put up with. Everyone's answers will be different.
The woman whose been cheated on 10 times in the past may not be so forgiving this time vs. the woman who finds it easier to forgive b/c this is her 1st time being cheated on. The person who grew up around abuse may (or may not) put up with it simply b/c they've already dealt with it long enough (childhood). The person whose settled in so many other past relationships may not stay with you this time b/c they're finally sick & tired of being sick and tired.
Posted by AnnaPhototaker
To people who's been cheated on, lied to, played, hurt:
Would you trust the person again or give him/her a second chance? Why and why not.
And what would you expect from the person to get that trust back? Actions or something.
You are the only one that can answer the above questions, if you have or are going through that.
I say that because I "thought" I could get past it and would always tell others that where going through trust issues that they could move past it etc.. until it actually happened to me. I tried to rebuild the trust, I tried to believe what they told me/showed me with their actions, but I was lying to them and myself. I thought because of my love for him, I could move past the cheating, but I just couldn't, for me, once that type of trust is broken it's tarnished forever.
Not everyone feels that way and can move past it and trust again- or so they tells themselves. I honestly don't buy it, someplace deep down inside there will always be a seed of doubt. Now if its white lies from a friend- that's a bit different, I still don't like that type of shit, but I can forgive that, although I might be hesitant to confide in said friend and will distance myself from them. I give 120% to those I call friend and tell it how it is ( sometimes too bluntly) and expect at least the same back.. well maybe not the 120% , but you know what I mean.
hope you get the answers you need.
I find this difficult to answer.
To people who's been cheated on, lied to, played, hurt:
Would you trust the person again or give him/her a second chance? Why and why not.
And what would you expect from the person to get that trust back? Actions or something.
If I feel I can trust them again.
Would you trust the person again or give him/her a second chance? Why and why not.
And what would you expect from the person to get that trust back? Actions or something.
If I feel I can trust them again.
Yeh if I can feel I can trust them again I probably will. If I dont feel I could trust them I would not.
Yes because whilst there were lies, deceit and she was being unfaithful for 3 months or so, there was never any actual sex or kissing. People deserve a second chance, she truly loves me, seeing somebody literally beg, pour tears for days on end and wail at point of me ending things between us, is, for me, proof enough. Essentially she did a good job of winning her a second chance. Because I had my mind set prior.
No bulshit after that, the ground rules layed, a second chance is a second chance. No more fuck ups. She knows the score.
No bulshit after that, the ground rules layed, a second chance is a second chance. No more fuck ups. She knows the score.
Posted by AA
Yes because whilst there were lies, deceit and she was being unfaithful for 3 months or so, there was never any actual sex or kissing. People deserve a second chance, she truly loves me, seeing somebody literally beg, pour tears for days on end and wail at point of me ending things between us, is, for me, proof enough. Essentially she did a good job of winning her a second chance. Because I had my mind set prior.
No bulshit after that, the ground rules layed, a second chance is a second chance. No more fuck ups. She knows the score.
It's all a risk either way. Tears & all the begging in the world are something that people who don't plan on stopping to cheat do AND something that the people who do plan on stopping may do. Tears don't = genuine. We all know that.
But as you said, you'd already had your mind made up & you wanted to take whatever reaction she had as more fuel to drive the decision she'd already made. So good for you!
I don't believe that everybody deserves a 2nd chance. Not for all things, at least! If my husband ever punched me in the face, that would be 1 time too many. All the tears, begging & sweat in the world wouldn't make me wanna take the risk of taking him back & him doing it again, when I have children to look after and raise. Nope.
Some people can't emotionally or physically afford to take the risk of allowing others back in, knowing that there's no guarantee that it won't happen again. Doesn't mean they don't have a big heart, aren't forgiving or that they're a bad person. It's just that it's not worth taking some risks. Women in abusive relationships are told this every day.
*drive the decision you'd already made. So good for you!
Not really too comfortable going into detail but you make some good points.
But just to say, i'm totally aware of that, tears and begging doesn't mean people won't do it again, not at all. Hence why i was cold and unresponsive to it all, but like i said, my mind was set on breaking up, but i felt a second chance was fair. She really wanted it. Like you said in one of your points, It would of been terrible if she had denied how bad it was and tried to justify it. I took a 2 day break to reassess and make my decision, thought about everything. Most of the 7 points you discussed
But just to say, i'm totally aware of that, tears and begging doesn't mean people won't do it again, not at all. Hence why i was cold and unresponsive to it all, but like i said, my mind was set on breaking up, but i felt a second chance was fair. She really wanted it. Like you said in one of your points, It would of been terrible if she had denied how bad it was and tried to justify it. I took a 2 day break to reassess and make my decision, thought about everything. Most of the 7 points you discussed
Posted by AnnaPhototaker
To people who's been cheated on, lied to, played, hurt:
Would you trust the person again or give him/her a second chance? Why and why not.
And what would you expect from the person to get that trust back? Actions or something.
Heavens, no.
There are exceptions for those (in my mind!) who have a lot invested in each other, including time-- people make mistakes.
But if someone has generally "... cheated on, lied to, played" and "hurt" me-- no way.
Played me-- that means they actively deceived me so they could benefit at my expense.
If they did it before, it's likely they'll do it again-- I don't want 'loyalty' from someone because they've been given an ultimatum.
It's not authentic.
Once I blindly trusted unconditionally and was betrayed, I would not be able completely trust them again. Things would never be the same. I would build in impenetrable wall, so what would be the point?
Signed Up: Oct 15, 2013
Comments: 0 · Posts: 286 · Topics: 1
Comments: 0 · Posts: 286 · Topics: 1
Many say they never could, but until you're in that situation will you ever really know. Love and other circumstances factor in and you find your whole outlook changes.
My ex hub of 20 yrs cheated on me. We separated and about a year later we (I) decided to try again. I told myself I was doing it for my kids, for him (to say I gave a 2nd chance), and for me. But I made a promise to myself that if it ever happened again I was out. I was a mental mess...my world had been turned upside down. I turned insecure and felt very vulnerable. I really tried but the trust wasn't quite there, I just had this vibe that he was still on the prowl. Of course he cheated once again, with another, and I kicked him to the curb.
I know there are instances where the cheating partner will do everything they can and the r/s can be mended and it can work. Mine just wanted to have his cake and eat it.
My ex hub of 20 yrs cheated on me. We separated and about a year later we (I) decided to try again. I told myself I was doing it for my kids, for him (to say I gave a 2nd chance), and for me. But I made a promise to myself that if it ever happened again I was out. I was a mental mess...my world had been turned upside down. I turned insecure and felt very vulnerable. I really tried but the trust wasn't quite there, I just had this vibe that he was still on the prowl. Of course he cheated once again, with another, and I kicked him to the curb.
I know there are instances where the cheating partner will do everything they can and the r/s can be mended and it can work. Mine just wanted to have his cake and eat it.
Get some thick skin. Life is hard people will hurt you. I wouldn't go back to someone who cheated but I have gone back to people who have def hurt me.
If you think they are worth another chance you just gotta be brave and no matter what happens know you can take care of yourself and always pick yourself up and on.
If you think they are worth another chance you just gotta be brave and no matter what happens know you can take care of yourself and always pick yourself up and on.
Posted by AA
Not really too comfortable going into detail but you make some good points.
But just to say, i'm totally aware of that, tears and begging doesn't mean people won't do it again, not at all. Hence why i was cold and unresponsive to it all, but like i said, my mind was set on breaking up, but i felt a second chance was fair. She really wanted it. Like you said in one of your points, It would of been terrible if she had denied how bad it was and tried to justify it. I took a 2 day break to reassess and make my decision, thought about everything. Most of the 7 points you discussed
I get ya. You seem to know how to correctly gage whether or not someone is truly sorry & is willing AND able to change. A lot of people don't know how to correctly gage this.
Most people just focus on the fact that the problem can be fixed. Cool. BUT, the real question is this: Is your partner acknowledging that what YOU consider a "problem" is really a problem in THEIR mind? (sometimes the answer is NO, but they'll never admit that)? And if so, does your partner have the resources & the mental/emotional ability to actually change/fix the problem? If so, do they WANT to fix/change the problem? (Some people would rather just find someone new and start all over vs. doing all the work to try to get someone back who may not acknowledge their efforts anyway!)
But many people don't ask themselves those questions. And if they do, sometimes they aren't honest with themselves about the answer their gut/intuition is giving them. I find that many people lie more to themselves than others lie to them
People shouldn't call something "deal breaking" unless it's actually a deal-breaker.
Deal breaker = Forgiving, BUT being so unable to forget that you just can't go back no matter how much you love or are invested in that person.
Love in itself is NOT enough. You can love someone all day, but from a distance. You don't have to be with them. And it's just as unfair to the person who messed up to be taken back but continuously be put down about what they did, as it is unfair to the person who originally got betrayed.
Giving someone a 2nd chance goes waaaaaay beyond just simply re-entering the relationship with them. It's about giving yourself the permission to allow yourself to eventually trust/love them like you used to. And many people can't/won't do this! So then the cycle starts! The person who got betrayed feels that their time has been wasted & the person who caused the pain eventually feels that their time has been wasted b/c they were told they were forgiven but really weren't.
That's why I don't believe in giving everybody 2nd chances. It's not always that what they did is unforgivable. It's that if you know you'll never be able to get back to a certain level of trust, passion & attraction with the person whether they do everything to make it right or not, then do yourself AND them a favor & let them go!
And many people say they forgive, but they don't b/c they can't stop themselves from putting you in the dog house over & over again. This is NOT giving someone a 2nd chance.
Deal breaker = Forgiving, BUT being so unable to forget that you just can't go back no matter how much you love or are invested in that person.
Love in itself is NOT enough. You can love someone all day, but from a distance. You don't have to be with them. And it's just as unfair to the person who messed up to be taken back but continuously be put down about what they did, as it is unfair to the person who originally got betrayed.
Giving someone a 2nd chance goes waaaaaay beyond just simply re-entering the relationship with them. It's about giving yourself the permission to allow yourself to eventually trust/love them like you used to. And many people can't/won't do this! So then the cycle starts! The person who got betrayed feels that their time has been wasted & the person who caused the pain eventually feels that their time has been wasted b/c they were told they were forgiven but really weren't.
That's why I don't believe in giving everybody 2nd chances. It's not always that what they did is unforgivable. It's that if you know you'll never be able to get back to a certain level of trust, passion & attraction with the person whether they do everything to make it right or not, then do yourself AND them a favor & let them go!
And many people say they forgive, but they don't b/c they can't stop themselves from putting you in the dog house over & over again. This is NOT giving someone a 2nd chance.
I've gave him several chances and to show me that he is trustworthy but he keeps lying to me,manipulating the fact i trusted him and he blew me off like i was nothing to him
Yeh if i loved someone and it was in relationship where we werent to be cheating on each other and they hurt me like that like cheated on me and stuff then it would be an obvoious no they aint getting with me again type scenerio but also because time is suppossed to heal all wounds i would like to know if it has actually? Can someone who has been hurt like this ever trust this guy again sure be friends and stuff but to ever really trust them after they have shattered your heart into a million different pieces i dont know, thats yet to be seen or unseen or whatnot. Sure enough I could if I had to trust him in a survival mode of way of thinking and stuff but if it werent anything like that then I have no idea because I dont remember so yeh not sure what you talking about so there
Yeh and I am not the one to talk either as I am not a person to stay with another coz i have a roving eye and somehow need to stay single And have the feeling of being free or have ships where others know what they getting themselves in for before they hook up with me, either that or mind your own business and I can fuck whomever i like whenever I like and there is nothing you can do about it coz you dont control me like you want to and i dont like that.
Its rather difficult if you have someone trying to control you and tell you how to live your life coz they think they know better than you and hurt you if you dont do what they want you to do, how do get away from that?
I left for that reason and could never trust someone who is like to me ever again, however if they have changed and are more mature and not going to hurt me like before then maybe I could trust them but i dont think to the extent like before. I know it would only be a survival way/mode where you have no excuse but to trust each other lest you be killed would make me trust you this is not good as it shows just how ignorant I am toward another I really am. Just what you wanted to show them, heh? You got what you wanted now LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!
I'd trust if it were survival way/mode but never in a relationship style way. You broke my heart god damn you and you think you can get away with that? Ugh, the insanity of it, What is it that you want from me?
I just dont know what the fuck you want? Maybe its a good thing to not trust you in that way, I am unsure about this
And the old song and dance still continues to this day/night
To be honest I dont have time for this anymore. I have to do what I got to do and nothing will stand in my way. If you have trust issues then I feel for you but i cant do anything about that only you can help yourself with that. It sounds cold but i have no time for this shit really and its best not to trust others coz every time you end up trusting another you get let down this is how it is and been all the time so that is why I try to be a trustworthy person coz i dont have that for myself but i dont need it from others what I want I get for myself its best that way you never get let down that way.
Its preferable not to trust a dead man either
Its preferable not to trust a dead man either
Meaning i am a dead man if I dont do what I must do in order to set things right once again, I have won the battle against good and evil and now I am battling my own strife and am a dead man if I dont so its best not to trust me no more or expect anything from me coz at this moment in time I am for the first time unable and not willing to give to another or help them in any way. I have to help myself first and need to do this and for once in my life am looking toward others to help me and the only way they can help me is by letting me go so I can get on with what it is I am suppossed to do.
Yeh and if you want me alive and kicking you will let me go coz I will end up dead if you all dont let me go, unless thats what you all want is for me to dead so you dont have to worry about me, then I will worry about you no more and ask you to let me go so you are no longer bothered or to worry about me at all
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^^ Wishing you all the best! :) *big hug*
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