Wasting Time?

Im in a bit of a pickle right now and would love to hear your feedback.

There is this girl I've known for years. She is friends with a lot of the same people. She's a Leo with a Cap Moon, and we're the same age.

Shes kind of a hipster which is something I usually stay away from now based on bad experiences before. But she is different from other hipster girls because of not being pretentious and slobby. She looks like a cross between Shannyn Sossamon and young Lisa Bonet. We share a lot in common, same political view points, taste in music, and tv shows.

Its never gone deeper than an acquaintence level being we only talked when running into each ither. I never asked for her contact info because she always was in a relationship. She is known for being super-loyal to her boyfriends.

I ran into her at the end of last year. Caught up and still clicked well even though she is kind of shy. I didnt know if she had a bf at the time, so asked for contact info. She gave it and we became friends on FB. When i looked at her FB page she was single.

My major obstacle at the time was bad weather which prevented me from going anywhere. A month or two passed, and then she got back together with older ex virgo BF. I wrote her off at that point. But then she broke up with him weeks later. He is a musician and has a bit of a drug problem from Ive heard.

She has a history of dating older men that treat her like dogsh-t BTW. I was about to email her for a meetup when next day she got back together with him. Then two weeks later they broke up again. Only a week later then to reunite. This vicious cycle lasted for a month and a half. (BTW What is it with Leos and On/Off relationships?) I had moved on. Then after the last break up, 2 months had passed and they hadnt gotten back together.

I thought that was a good sign she completely moved on. So when I got home on one night, planned to ask her out. On the same night in question got hit by a car. Luckily during all that time in the hospital and ongoing recovery, she's miracusly still single.

But that time in the hospital gave me some time to really think. And I started having some reservations. Continued next post...

(BTW I meant to say NOT pretentious or snobby in my last post but it came out slobby.)

My reservations are this. One, she's a smoker. Women who smoke is a huge, huge turnoff to me. The only way I'll casually date a smoker is a) we really click and get along or b)she's extremely hot.

Im willing to put up with Leo Girl's smoking in a casual dating setting. (BTW it seems like almost every Leo Ive ever known is a smoker.)

But I cant deal with it if we were to get exclusive. One, Im really trying to look after my health especially after this accident. I knew a male neighbor that didnt smoke who diagnosed with lung cancer. His doctor strongly hinted that ebing around his wife all the time who smokes like a chimney brought this on.

Ever since hearing that, Ive tried to limit my interactions with smokers as much as possible. Its fine to be around a smoker once in a while as that wont hurt anything. But if youre exclusive and around them all the time its hazardus.

It isnt just my health Im concerned about, its hers as well. Were both in our 30's now. That is the period when your body starts to slowly break down. And isnt strong enough to handle things like it did being in the 20's

My other reservation is she's a bit of a drinker. In the past, she used to get drunk an excessive amount. But from her FB posts it seems like shes toned it down a lot. Doesnt sound like a problem right?

Here's the kicker. Since Im on a strong set of painkillers and anti-clotting medication, Im not allowed to drink alchol. I never was really into drinking before the accident. Though I had been drunk twice in my life. Drinking was never my thing and Im trying to watch my health.

I dont mind going out with people to bars. Or just going out in general. My concern is that Leo Girl may grow to resent me not being able to drink. As it might make her think Im judging her for doing so. I dont mind people that drink as long as its not out of control.

So those two things have got me concerned. The one thing I will not bend on is her quitting smoking. If things went well and she wanted to be exclusive, quitting smoking would have to be a requirement.

The thing is though I dont like coming off as a nag. When this habit is something she should think seriously about quitting in the first place. Given her body starting to weaken being in the 30's age range. They've even linked excessive smoking and drinking to breast cancer.

I've already watched someone suffer and eventually who died from cancer. I dont want to have to go through that if it could potentially be avoided by leading a healthier life style .

Am I wrong for asking her to quit smoking if she wants to be together? I dont think its misleading her as Im stating my opinion before committing to a relationship.

Im only wanting her to change one small thing. Other than that one misgiving, I accept her for who she is. Am I wasting my time in seeing what happens with this girl?

Are you wasting your time? ABSOLUTELY.

You have EVERY right to NOT want to date a smoker or drinker. And since your issues with smoking/alcohol are deep-rooted (& not just some opinion you're stating for the sake of being a jerk), you have EVERY right to feel the way you do.

Only 1 problem: You & her are NOT exclusive. YOU have the responsibility of finding/chasing after those who ALREADY fit your typical profile. Yes, we can all let SOME things slide, BUT you've already said that 2 of the main things she incorporates into her DAILY routine are the things you will NOT accept. And "What you see is what you get." There's nothing wrong with encouraging someone to stop smoking if it's coming from a place of genuine friendship, BUT it's another thing to tell someone they aren't worthy of commitment unless they stop smoking!

If she's NOT what you're looking for RIGHT NOW, then you shouldn't be chasing her. And since you can't overlook the fact that she smokes, you trying to chase her & get her to change that for YOU (moreso than quitting for HERSELF) is the same as you making her feel bad/guilty all b/c YOU choose HER. It's possible to quit a smoking habbit, BUT realistically, if you know anything about smokers, you should NEVER expect for them to quit overnight OR to quit for someone ELSE. And if she quit conveinantly around the time YOU told her you wouldn't accept a commitment, she'd ONLY be quitting for YOU & not for herself. And there IS a difference.

Secondly, every situation is different BUT it's not usually a good idea to chase after someone who always appears to be chasing after others. She's in & out of relationships all the time, which means that she's probably going to still have some emotional feelings/ties to someone else around the time you finally catch up to her again; in other words, you probably won't have a FAIR chance with her like you would've persay her azs knew how to be single for longer than a month! That's not a good sign.

It'd be diff. if she wasn't a smoker when you met her but YET developed the habbit later on in the friendship/relationship. If this were the case, then you giving her an "ultimatum" (that's EXACTLY what you'd be doing) wouldn't be so bad. BUT, she IS what she is & if you don't like it, you should try to go find someone who IS already what you're looking for; someone who doesn't have 1 or 2 daily habbits that you consider DEAL breakers.

I'd say the same to you if you persay preferred SKINNIER women b/c of you not wanting to end up with someone whose weight problems could potentially lead to bad outcomes. Sure, it's honorable that you'd want someone who appears to be in good health, BUT to purposely chase after a woman whose considered "fat" or "obese" only to ridicule them or give them ultimatums for it is DEAD wrong.

Point is: If you want someone in good health, FIND someone who is in good health. But don't go purposely chasing after all the people who AREN'T in good health, just to use the chance of commitment with you as a pawn or justification behind why THEY should change something that technically, others might NOT even have a problem with. That'd be pretty arrogant of you to go chase after all the WRONG things, just to make them change for you when you could've spared yourself all the trouble & just found someone who fit YOUR TYPE from the beginning!

She might be a great girl on the inside, BUT if you cannot accept something about her that plays a HUGE role in her daily live, then you shouldn't chase after her at all. And if she's still emotionally attached to someone else by the time she finally DOES give you the time of day, don't be surprised if you get your feelings HURT when she hears your proposal about smoking & decides to run like hell! Remember, people that smoke KNOW already that smoking is bad for them, BUT they dont' want to hear it, which is why they end up with 1. Someone who smokes TOO OR 2. Someone who doesn't consider smoking a deal breaker.

And apparently, all these guys from her past don't consider smoking deal breakers, so what makes you think that you, someone she's not even emotionally involved with AT ALL, will agree to let go of the very thing others haven't knocked her for?! I know it sounds like I'm being harsh, but hey I'm just being honest.

People don't mind the "You should quit smoking" lines from counselors, doctors or family members. BUT they DO mind it from their partners, & ESPECIALLY if their partners KNEW up front what the deal was. You wouldn't be wrong for trying to encourage her to stop, BUT you'd be wrong for having unrealistic expectations just in case she tells you to go to hell!

Don't dangle the fact that you hold the key to commitment over her head with a string. There are PLENTY of men that won't mind her smoking, just like there are plenty of women out there for YOU that you'll connect with & whom also won't smoke a

Just let it go. Don't lie to yourself. Don't convince yourself that SHE'S the best that it gets, or that she's the only 1 that you'll ever experience a deep "connection" with in life. There are PLENTY of women in the sea that 1. You'll have GREAT connections with & 2. That WON'T be smokers at all. It may take you a little bit longer to find someone whose YOUR type, but hey, welcome to life!

Once again, I'm not saying you should feel bad or change how you feel about smoking/smokers. You have VALID reasons to feel the way you do. After all, the damn cigarrette boxes say TOO that smoking is NOT good, so it's not like you're the only 1 in the world who disagrees with the aspect of smoking. BUT, if you can't handle someone who smokes, then it would be a WASTE of time for you to start chasing after someone you barely know & expecting them to quit something that generally takes a LONG time to quit.

Go find someone whose NOT a smoker. Find someone who doesn't drink at all OR whom drinks only on occasion. Hey, you'd only be sparing/saving yourself from the stress & anxiety of having to constantly have that "talk."

Smokers make the CHOICE to continue smoking everyday & they also strive towards people who can accept THIS about them until THEY are ready to quit. It's not fair to HER for YOU to come barging into her life trying to make her quit something she's NOT ready to quit yet.

She'd be JUST AS DEAD WRONG for not liking men with persay GREY HAIR. She'd look like a fool to purposely CHASE after a man with grey hair; she'd be pretty arrogant to CHOOSE HIM, & yet make HIM change his hair color!

Hi FB,sorry to hear about your accident.
I agree with Krys.

I learned long ago through my own and other's experience that you can not change anyone.
The mere fact that right up front you see things you want to change in someone else,is an indicator you are not right for each other.
That's where compromise comes in, if you really want to be with her despite the things you don't like.
You have no right to ask or manipulate someone in to changing to suit you.BUT you have the right to discuss it and ask her to only smoke outside.if she is against this...then that's a stronger indicator of incompatibility obviously.
She will eventually have to decide for herself whether to keep smoking or stop.

As for the drinking...you would maybe need to get to know her better before you'd know.but,you DO need to know.
I think that's a problem for many people,when they meet someone they really like.they tend to focus more on the emotional or physical compatibility and either overlook the small habits and traits,or think they will fix them or deal with them later and have the perfect person.
often times it's the minor incompatibilities that cause the bigger problems later.

Ginger nuts welcome back! I enjoyed reading your posts before! Don't get offended by what i'm about to say okeh?

You said you think you're coming off as a nag. Well not only are you being a nag, but also a drag and a hag. Reading this post of yours, you sound like a woman! And also why are you hung up about a girl who quite clearly you're finding fault with?? You don't have time to be messing with women who don't fit your criteria. And obvo she doesn't because she isn't healthy. Therefore no need to ponder whether she will change her ways for you. You sound like those women who ask "do you think he'll leave his wife and get with me??" It's like delusional, although it does happen.

I had a bout of bronchitis and was a smoker before. Now i can't even walk behind someone who smokes in the street-i have to cross over and then i curse them under my breath for having subjected me to a full second of smoke inhalation. I would def not consider a smoker as a relationship keep, or even as a fling. Dis-gus-ting. I remember how sick i got, and as much as i tried to joke and cheer myself up about it, i was a bit scarred too, not nice to cough up blood at all.

As for getting run over before asking her out-see that as an omen, a precursor to what could happen if you did date her. Don't mess with it! Otherwise you may get a helicopter land on your head next!

All i'm saying is why want someone who has clear flaws in relation to your checklist?? Isn't that a bit stupido?? Like if you were a smoker and boozer yourself, it would be different. I'm assuming this is the meds talking and your commonsense will come knocking soon-like cuckooo anybody home??

Krys, you wouldn't be a smoker by chance? 😉

I need to stop posting threads when Im half awake and doped up on painkillers. Cause I always seem to leave out one crucial thing which make it more understandable.

In dating right now Im only looking for something casual. Ive too much stuff on my plate with all the medical appointments, and physical therapy going on. It leaves very little time for a relationship.

Once I get out of this chair in 7 months, a decision has to be made on something. Whether I go back to doing freelance assignments or getting a regular job.

If I go back to freelancing that leaves time to have a relationship. Going into a permanent job is a roll of the dice. I could have a screwed up work schedule where it would be impossible to maintain a relationship. I dont get exclusive with someone I hardly see.

So until those two things get cleared off the plate, its casual for the foreseeable future. You all are right asking someone to quit for exclusivity isnt fair.

I never push for anything when it comes to dating. I leave it up to the woman. For all I know she might want to be casual as well. But I just wanted to be prepared in how to handle it in case she doesnt.

I am friends with people she is as well. They've kept me updated on how her life is going. Its been 5 months now since the final split with Virgo ex. It appears to me she's moved on. otherwise virgo ex would be back in the picture at this point.

Her drinking doesnt bother me. She's calmed down based on what she shares on her status updates on FB with people on the list which includes moi. And her friends have said she's not abusing alcohol anymore. As I get to know her and it seems she drinks casually like everyone else, there's no problem. I just dont want to be judged for not drinking when it isnt exactly my choice.

I plan to be upfront at the beginning about my reasons for being casual. But I wont tell her about my preference of not getting exclusive with smokers. When my current medical and health issues are the biggest reason for non-committal at this juncture.

But if I could overlook the smoking in a long term sense, there's one request that's reasonable. And thats asking her not to smoke if Im a few feet away from her. If she wants to smoke, go with friends to another area or outside. That's reasonable to me.

If she has a problem with going to another area for smoking or finished next post...

Me not being able to drink bothers her, than thats a dealbreaker. But I dont know how she feels, that is something which needs to be found out first. For all I know, she could be fine with me not drinking and has no issue with not breathing smoke on me.

I have to test the waters first to ultimately know. So no ultimatums for smoking and being upfront at the very beginning that my recovery takes up most of my time.

We'll see what happens. Im not pushing anything, just going to go with the flow.

@Flying: While I agree that facebook may appear to be the TRUE version of who someone really is, I assure you that it's NOT! Plus, smoking & drinking are 2 habbits that people can quit 1 day & just as EASILY fall back into the next. MOST people have "taken a break" or quit for a short while, only to jump back into the habit (everyone has their reasons for re-lapsing). So if I were you, I wouldn't use the internet as a means of measuring her character or habits. Hell, nowadays people are being STRONGLY ADVISED NOT to put certain things on those sites, so the reason you may not know that some people drink/smoke is b/c they choose NOT TO SHARE THAT CERTAIN PART of their lives with the world; just b/c it's not broadcasted on fb doesn't mean that it doesn't happen behind closed doors.

2. I don't think she'd judge you just b/c you don't drink. Sure, she'll take notice that you don't drink & perhaps might even test you by asking/offering you to drink. BUT, I doubt that she'll cuss you out or walk away from you all b/c you don't have a bad habit. Hell, even crackheads don't necessarily knock others who choose NOT to smoke crack. To each it's own. The only time you not being a drinker might bother her is IF you not being a drinker at all causes/makes room for arguments about it. YOU'RE more likely to start an issue over the drinking than she is.

3. If you're only looking for something casual, that's cool. That's probably the BEST option at this point. BUT, if you know that her smoking will eventually be a big deal 1 day/later on, DON'T pretend like her smoking 50 feet away from you will calm your negative feelings towards it. You've already said that you don't want a woman whose a smoker at ALL b/c of the health problems + the possible exposure to you. So if you're concerned about her health, her smoking 50 feet away from YOU wouldn't decrease the dangers that cigarrette poses to HER body. Be honest. If you can't handle it now, don't trick yourself into believing that "it's not a big deal" all of the sudden just so you can get what you want NOW. Don't try to re-nig; if it bothers you PERIOD, be real about & either 1. Don't date HER or 2. Don't date someone who smokes.

Either way, HOPE for the best but PREPARE for the worst. If you guys FINALLY end up talking & hitting it off don't be surprised if she either 1. Agrees to stop smoking just for a little while only to go back into the habbit later (this will stem b/c of her quitting for YOU & not herself) or 2. Straight up tells you NO, that she WON'T stop smoking. And if she does either, the WORST/LAST thing you should do is dangle the possibility of a "relationship with you" over her head. She may be emotionally tied to & controlled by the aspect of being "taken" with those OTHER guys, BUT you may not get the same treatment, especially since she doesn't know that much about you.

If she tells you that she's NOT going to/not ready to stop smoking, take it for what it is & keep it moving. But don't try to underestimate your OWN disgust for something all to play it off, when deep inside it will ALWAYS be a deal breaker for you (especially since your feelings about smoking are DEEP-ROOTED). If she says NO, move on. Don't try to change that or pretend like you can all of the sudden handle it b/c she says no. Be honest with yourself & although it'll suck, MOVE ON in the hopes that you'll find someone else you'll connect to & like the SAME as her. This is me telling you NOT to change your standards just like I told you not to expect/want her to change hers. Some things are tweakable, while other things are NON-negotiable & it's VERY clear that smoking is 1 of those NON-negotiable things for you.

All that you know about her is information that has come from hear-say or from a distance (internet or HER friendS). HEll, for all you know, you might not even like her as much as you THOUGHT you would once you eventually get to know her from HER point of view (not from facebook or her friend's point of view). For all you know, she may not be that "greener grass" on the other side like you thought. So before you start thinking of ways to give her an ultimatum, make SURE that she's even ALL that you're REALLY looking for in other areas of compatibility (personality) 1st. You seem to know/focus on the things you already DON'T like & WON'T accept moreso than anything else. Bad sign.

Hopefully everything will work out. Keep it real with yourself. Don't change/tweak the standards that are DEAL breakers. And especially NOT for someone you're NOT even 100% sure is right for you or worth it yet

Well, I guess I waited too long in making a move. In my list of Facebook status updates, leo's came up as being listed No longer single.

To be fair, I've been busy doing physical therapy though. My leg is slightly crooked and stuck like that due to pillows being placed under them long periods of time. That is the hospital staffs f-up which I have to correct by getting my leg fully straightened out.

Its been 8 months since her last break up. So whoever the dude is, its probably a decent amount of time where it wouldnt be a rebound. I may be better off anyway. Since I cant commit to someone till a) Im walking in a walker full time and b) have definitively decided if freelance work is better than pursuing a permanent job.

I've been trying not to focus on this girl only. Although its hard not to since she is one of the few women in my city that's my age with no kids.

Although I did find it interesting she hasnt put being in a relationship on her page officially, just the single part being dropped out of it. It gives me the vibe she's still needing to feel the situation out before making it official. Since its not 100% solidified in that sense, am tempted to feel her out about meeting up via FB.

But the better part of me is saying not to. BTW I would have held off on discussing the smoking issue until she asked where is this going if things went well dating-wise. The only thing I might have said was if she could not smoke around me and go some other area or outside to do it. As long you're not asking them to quit, most smokers are fine with doing that.

Guess I'll never know (possibly).

BTW Lovebucket,

I have a Scorpio Sun. But before you freak and say no way a relationships going to work because of that let me explain. I have a Sagittarius Moon and a mars in one. I act more like a Sag then a scorp. Im not a control freak or possessive/jealous. Im easygoing, but I do have backbone and will stick up for myself it it is felt someones wrong.

My mom was a Leo and we got along fine. I have no problem going out either. Although I suspect this Leo's a tad bit more of a homebody since she's got a Cap Moon. Most fire or air signs that have earth moons tend to be more homebodies. Anyway, still got to think about this situation. Although it is leaning strongly in the direction of moving on.