What does dating really mean?
This topic was created in the Relationships forum by Chatz on Saturday, January 17, 2009 and has 22 replies.
OK I find myself yet again in a weird kind of relationship where the guy doesnt know what he wants and/or isn't ready...its a long story and basically he hasnt moved on from his wife who passed a few years back...he still has her clothes in the closet and although he wants to move on he cant. He has feelings for me but he says he's "messed up"
OK so everybody tells me to be patient because they know (and I know) he has feelings for me but they also tell me to keep dating others. This guy and I have been intimate a few times but I had "the talk" with him a few days back and although he has tried ever so much harder he wont be ready for some time yet.
As I have feelings for him I am prepared to wait it out but also think that I should go out and have fun (non sexually of course) with other guys to make sure that he really is what IM looking for and to just keep living.
So having said all of that WHAT ON EARTH IS DATING these days? Seriously? Is it ok to go out with different guys while you're hung up on another but cant see it going anywhere at this point? I wouldnt sleep with another whilst I have feelings for Mr Virgo but what is and isnt acceptable in this scenario? Do I make it known to my guy that Im seeing others? Because he is still analyzing his own life?
What are the do's and donts coz Im at a loss
I dont want to date others, I really would love to take things further with Virgo but what would anybody in my situation do? I cant keep competing with his wife who passed But I do care for him deeply as I know he does for me.
He knows he's hurting me by not committing but where does that leave me? He cant have it both ways?
OK so everybody tells me to be patient because they know (and I know) he has feelings for me but they also tell me to keep dating others. This guy and I have been intimate a few times but I had "the talk" with him a few days back and although he has tried ever so much harder he wont be ready for some time yet.
As I have feelings for him I am prepared to wait it out but also think that I should go out and have fun (non sexually of course) with other guys to make sure that he really is what IM looking for and to just keep living.
So having said all of that WHAT ON EARTH IS DATING these days? Seriously? Is it ok to go out with different guys while you're hung up on another but cant see it going anywhere at this point? I wouldnt sleep with another whilst I have feelings for Mr Virgo but what is and isnt acceptable in this scenario? Do I make it known to my guy that Im seeing others? Because he is still analyzing his own life?
What are the do's and donts coz Im at a loss
I dont want to date others, I really would love to take things further with Virgo but what would anybody in my situation do? I cant keep competing with his wife who passed But I do care for him deeply as I know he does for me.He knows he's hurting me by not committing but where does that leave me? He cant have it both ways?
I also have lost someone but have recently tried/failed to move on after nearly 3 years... All I can say is that if this person is worth it, then you'll need the patience to see him through. He may feel as I do and that is I do want to love again but feel extreme guilt that I can be happy with someone else and also at times feel I'm betraying the love that we (the departed one) had. All this can be sorted through time & patience. It may not be easy but that's where you have to weigh up whether he is worth it!
He is worth it = that I cant say enough but he hasnt even removed her belongings from the house which means he has built a shrine to her...he speaks of her freely which I can understand but the rest? SOMEBODY should have helped him do this by now. I know when my father died my brother made my mother take all of his belongings and give them to charity...I didnt understand the rush at the time but now I realise that she moved on so much quicker (not romantically as she is still alone and will probably be til she passes) by being a different person - more outgoing and finding a new way in life rather than relying on him. My virgo spends a lot of time grieving still and only last weekend he saw the "in laws" and he spent the entire weekend moping around knowing I live only 5 minutes down the road.
I do understand what you're saying and I want to put the time in if only he gave an inkling that he wanted me to. Since we had the chat he's tried harder but is he only doing it to keep me around for now? anybodys guess. I am the first woman he's gotten close with since her passing so I may only be a stepping stone.
He is worth it, I love him to bits and he's so not the man I'd normally have fallen for as I have, in the past, been somewhat vain. But having said that, it means I love him for him, not what he looks like, etc (although he is kinda cute).
I dont know, I really dont know whether I should just keep dating others coz Im just way too loyal (I am a Leo) but Ive waited for guys before just for them to dismiss everything when they found something better.
Virgo did say he'd like to keep seeing me and that we should cool down the physical aspect (for my sake) and keep hanging out, do things and see where things go. He has given me nothing concrete though and I know he wont for a long time, firstly because he is a Virgo, secondly, because of what he's still to go through.
Oh and dont even ask me to help him get rid of her stuff - that would creep me out big time. My friend lost her husband 5 years ago and within 18 months she was living with another man (yes they had their ups and downs but they've made it work)...they are now married again and his passing was a tragic aeroplane crash whereas my Virgo's wife passed after a long illness. Not that there's a difference coz it still hurts a lot.
I dont know how I'd be - I guess we all grieve in different ways and Sweethearts Im really sorry that you're struggling with your situation
I do understand what you're saying and I want to put the time in if only he gave an inkling that he wanted me to. Since we had the chat he's tried harder but is he only doing it to keep me around for now? anybodys guess. I am the first woman he's gotten close with since her passing so I may only be a stepping stone.
He is worth it, I love him to bits and he's so not the man I'd normally have fallen for as I have, in the past, been somewhat vain. But having said that, it means I love him for him, not what he looks like, etc (although he is kinda cute).
I dont know, I really dont know whether I should just keep dating others coz Im just way too loyal (I am a Leo) but Ive waited for guys before just for them to dismiss everything when they found something better.
Virgo did say he'd like to keep seeing me and that we should cool down the physical aspect (for my sake) and keep hanging out, do things and see where things go. He has given me nothing concrete though and I know he wont for a long time, firstly because he is a Virgo, secondly, because of what he's still to go through.
Oh and dont even ask me to help him get rid of her stuff - that would creep me out big time. My friend lost her husband 5 years ago and within 18 months she was living with another man (yes they had their ups and downs but they've made it work)...they are now married again and his passing was a tragic aeroplane crash whereas my Virgo's wife passed after a long illness. Not that there's a difference coz it still hurts a lot.
I dont know how I'd be - I guess we all grieve in different ways and Sweethearts Im really sorry that you're struggling with your situation
I hope that you can find happiness. Its easier said than done but if you do find somebody who makes you happy again, grab it with BOTH hands and dont let go....we only get so many chances in this life to find somebody who makes our stomachs do somersaults and gives us those flushes and all those other things......grab it 
How long it takes depends on the length and depth of their relationship. Also the time he held on to the hope that she would beat this illness...I'm thinking it's Cancer which is what took my love Glenn and 3 other friends. You know in your heart that they are going to die but you never ever believe it even when they do, complete denial!
Another thing to consider is that although we hold these loved ones with high values we dont forget their faults and also understand what we really want out of a new relationship...there are these expectations in our mind to uphold. Almost a check list and we dont want to settle for anything less. BUT in reality it maybe too high a price for most. The fact that you are with him means you meet some, if not alot of those important criteria.
From experience...I never explained my situation and how I felt to my new man but always kept myself guarded. In hind-sight if I knew I was going to lose him because I hadn't learnt to deal with my past or even openly express my reservations to him, I certainly would have, but that's me. Too late to turn back the clock.
It's harder to get a man to open up but pick the time and try to at least get him to talk to you about her, even if he is explaining how wonderful she was or how frustrating she could be. If he can do this he has your trust. Don't ever feel threatened by her or jealous...
I certainly wouldn't date or see anyone else. If he finds out you are, then you will lose any trust he has for you and him completely. AND NO definietly dont have anything to do with moving her things out of their home, no talk of it from you at all!! That he will do in his own time and only then regardless of ANYBODY'S opinion!
One thing I do appreciate is when people talk about my love Glenn by name, he lived even though he died. He's still very real to me! I seen that when someone dies everybody is too scared to even bring their name up! Me and my friends find comfort in speaking or others speaking their names. They are still very real and a much apart of us!
Hope some of this helps.
Another thing to consider is that although we hold these loved ones with high values we dont forget their faults and also understand what we really want out of a new relationship...there are these expectations in our mind to uphold. Almost a check list and we dont want to settle for anything less. BUT in reality it maybe too high a price for most. The fact that you are with him means you meet some, if not alot of those important criteria.
From experience...I never explained my situation and how I felt to my new man but always kept myself guarded. In hind-sight if I knew I was going to lose him because I hadn't learnt to deal with my past or even openly express my reservations to him, I certainly would have, but that's me. Too late to turn back the clock.
It's harder to get a man to open up but pick the time and try to at least get him to talk to you about her, even if he is explaining how wonderful she was or how frustrating she could be. If he can do this he has your trust. Don't ever feel threatened by her or jealous...
I certainly wouldn't date or see anyone else. If he finds out you are, then you will lose any trust he has for you and him completely. AND NO definietly dont have anything to do with moving her things out of their home, no talk of it from you at all!! That he will do in his own time and only then regardless of ANYBODY'S opinion!
One thing I do appreciate is when people talk about my love Glenn by name, he lived even though he died. He's still very real to me! I seen that when someone dies everybody is too scared to even bring their name up! Me and my friends find comfort in speaking or others speaking their names. They are still very real and a much apart of us!
Hope some of this helps.
interesting. wise words, furry.
wait...
why do i recognize this writing style ? lk?!?
::squints, rubs eyes::
why do i recognize this writing style ? lk?!?
::squints, rubs eyes::
you know what? life is like streets while the rush hour. Or streets in the dark night. you are not the only person who is confused, angry or fearful. This man, that woman, you and me. We are all given questions. Then we pass them to public. This is only a little abuse of time we have. Otherwise you have no other choice but go through it, which means:
1. sometimes you don't want to wait that long and date other men.
2. sometimes you don't want to corrupt your loyal soul and want to be there for him.
after three years you both are tired of all this. somebody else pops up in your life. somebody else in his. and from there you start a new story.
and some people have better luck and someone is waiting for them in their shared home. the others are still jumping from one sad story to another one.
1. sometimes you don't want to wait that long and date other men.
2. sometimes you don't want to corrupt your loyal soul and want to be there for him.
after three years you both are tired of all this. somebody else pops up in your life. somebody else in his. and from there you start a new story.
and some people have better luck and someone is waiting for them in their shared home. the others are still jumping from one sad story to another one.
You say nobody has helped him, and someone should have .... maybe you're only suppose to be that someone and nothing more.
Not every person we love is suppose to be The One.
You say you are loyal, is that suppose to imply that you only know how to be loyal for intimate relationships?
Not every person we love is suppose to be our lover.
Sometimes, we find ourselves drawn to and loving people to whom are brought to us because we need it .. we are in need.
You've made several threads about this man, who is in need, he is stuck in his life and NEEDS to keep living ... so help him.
Maybe this is your only purpose in his life.
Not every person we love is suppose to be The One.
You say you are loyal, is that suppose to imply that you only know how to be loyal for intimate relationships?
Not every person we love is suppose to be our lover.
Sometimes, we find ourselves drawn to and loving people to whom are brought to us because we need it .. we are in need.
You've made several threads about this man, who is in need, he is stuck in his life and NEEDS to keep living ... so help him.
Maybe this is your only purpose in his life.
I think you should continue to be there for him...because like PA said, you might have been put in his life for a reason. But, at the same time, you have needs too. You should be alert to other opportunities that may pop up in your life.
He can't give you all of his attention/heart right now. And maybe not ever. Who knows?
If you stay in this relationship, putting in everything you got, and he can't give you the same - then you're just going to end up feeling slighted by him and even resentful of his deceased wife. (I can tell it might already be going there.)
He can't give you all of his attention/heart right now. And maybe not ever. Who knows?
If you stay in this relationship, putting in everything you got, and he can't give you the same - then you're just going to end up feeling slighted by him and even resentful of his deceased wife. (I can tell it might already be going there.)
"yeah but that plays right into the leo mode of "i can fix it" and that is fixing...not a relationship"
Right, that was my point.
She wants a relationship, while at the same time realizing that it would be a tremendous compromise on her part .. a compromise at this time that might not ever bear fruit .... so, why even continue to view this relationship as one that is suppose to mean something on the romantic level?
It is my suspicion that she is suppose to leave now .. and never to return to him, and that this is what he needs. Once she's gone, he will be in pain, to be sure ... but, he'll also have a feeling inside welling up, telling him ...... 'I'm desired, she wanted me, there is hope'.
She won't reap the rewards of having him once he breaks free from his chains he binds himself in, for she will be gone .. but, she will reap the rewards for being the person who freed another.
And that is much more rewarding because it is selfless.
Right, that was my point.
She wants a relationship, while at the same time realizing that it would be a tremendous compromise on her part .. a compromise at this time that might not ever bear fruit .... so, why even continue to view this relationship as one that is suppose to mean something on the romantic level?
It is my suspicion that she is suppose to leave now .. and never to return to him, and that this is what he needs. Once she's gone, he will be in pain, to be sure ... but, he'll also have a feeling inside welling up, telling him ...... 'I'm desired, she wanted me, there is hope'.
She won't reap the rewards of having him once he breaks free from his chains he binds himself in, for she will be gone .. but, she will reap the rewards for being the person who freed another.
And that is much more rewarding because it is selfless.
That's beautiful & something you'd see on the Lifetime channel. (Which you only watch when you're PMSing.)
Thank you everybody....Im sitting here bawling (and I dont do that often) but yes I know what I have to do, and thats slowly fade away. I care deeply for him and will always remain friends as much as I can. I cant do the "lets hang out and do stuff and see where we go from there" again as he suggested. I know how this story ends, Lord knows Ive been the "fixer" so many times so they could move on, and its time for me to realise it before its too painful.
Thanks - you helped a lot.
Thanks - you helped a lot.
just so you all know...tonight I have ended things with Virgo - i told him that I had gotten very attached to him, that Im not one for FWB and that I deserve better than that. Long story short we will remain friends online at work and who knows? maybe our friendship will blossom in time and we can forget we were ever intimate (well here's wishful thinking).
He didnt fight for me, he didnt ask me to wait for him - guess its the kindest thing he could have done but he did have tears and said "this is just as painful for me as it is for you because I have hurt you and I wish I could give you what you want but Im just not ready".
Somehow we will find a way to make the friendship work. I did ask him to be patient with me as I try to find some way to detach....he was very understanding and I know we'll be ok being around one another (in time).
A part of me wanted him to fight for me, for him to ask me to come back inside but he let me go and as I walked back to my car, got inside, put on my seatbelt, and started reversing I looked up and there he was standing by his door (he normally would have let me go and walked back inside by then) wiping a tear away and we waved to one another.
I hate goodbyes but Im glad that we could be grown up and break up properly and there's still a good chance we can remain best friends and thats priceless. Men come and go but real friends are forever.
I hate even more that I also hurt him by being hurt - oh God he was so sad (as am I) but maybe I might be the turning point for him to start dealing with his baggage now and if thats the reason I came into his life then so be it.
Sooooo up and on for me, I'll give myself time and then in a few months start dating again but I do need that time, I do need to heal and somehow lose my feelings for him - that wont be easy - is there an easier and quicker way anybody can tell me??? LOL
I know he loves/loved me - the tears were real, the sadness in his eyes were real...but he doesnt have the strength to give anybody anything. I just picked the wrong guy to get attached to - somebody I would normally never have even thought about getting involved with....our friendship grew and grew and one thing led to another (neither of us planned it, it just happened)....normally things that just happen lead to falling in love but in this case its just sadness FOR NOW
Thanks for all the advice, its been humbling and I guess it was the turning point for me.
He didnt fight for me, he didnt ask me to wait for him - guess its the kindest thing he could have done but he did have tears and said "this is just as painful for me as it is for you because I have hurt you and I wish I could give you what you want but Im just not ready".
Somehow we will find a way to make the friendship work. I did ask him to be patient with me as I try to find some way to detach....he was very understanding and I know we'll be ok being around one another (in time).
A part of me wanted him to fight for me, for him to ask me to come back inside but he let me go and as I walked back to my car, got inside, put on my seatbelt, and started reversing I looked up and there he was standing by his door (he normally would have let me go and walked back inside by then) wiping a tear away and we waved to one another.
I hate goodbyes but Im glad that we could be grown up and break up properly and there's still a good chance we can remain best friends and thats priceless. Men come and go but real friends are forever.
I hate even more that I also hurt him by being hurt - oh God he was so sad (as am I) but maybe I might be the turning point for him to start dealing with his baggage now and if thats the reason I came into his life then so be it.
Sooooo up and on for me, I'll give myself time and then in a few months start dating again but I do need that time, I do need to heal and somehow lose my feelings for him - that wont be easy - is there an easier and quicker way anybody can tell me??? LOL
I know he loves/loved me - the tears were real, the sadness in his eyes were real...but he doesnt have the strength to give anybody anything. I just picked the wrong guy to get attached to - somebody I would normally never have even thought about getting involved with....our friendship grew and grew and one thing led to another (neither of us planned it, it just happened)....normally things that just happen lead to falling in love but in this case its just sadness FOR NOW
Thanks for all the advice, its been humbling and I guess it was the turning point for me.
That's sooo sad, now you are hurting just like me and sooo many of us because we dont have patience to wait for something beautiful. The pain & anguish will be around for months and unfortunetly will make us that much more guarded when someone else tries to enter our lives. Why, do we do it to ourselves... sometimes I think we wont/dont want to let ourselves be happy or enjoy some happiness...
that was nice chatz He is worth it = that I cant say enough
I think most of the ladies here have hit on what I was thinking. If he needs to heal or needs a friend, and you want a relationship, it's not fair to both of you investing in different things. The more you hang on to it, the more emotional investment, the harder it will be to leave.
There's a general rule of thumb for relationships which is not going into a new one until fully healed from old. So both parties go into the relationship equally... if not it's not a balanced relationship, more like mother/son, etc.
Also, you need to realise what your limitations are... i.e. can you really help him? I know a lot of people think people need help but what are our qualifications to offer the right kind of help?
Fire signs generally cannot stand darkness for long... they will attempt to inject light for a while but the longer you fail to do this, the more chances your fire will get put out... if he really needs help, are you the one that can help in a detached manner?
(Which you only watch when you're PMSing.)
briana, you're nuts lady! I always wondered why they had lifetime channel!
Awwww Chatz love ? I'm sorry you are going through this again. I was going to post that I agree with everything the Furryone says. You want a loving committed relationship with a man who knows what he wants .. you. DON'T settle for less. Keep focusing on what you DO want.
The more you can bless this relationship and know that it was truly a case of bad timing but also see the blessings in it, the faster it is to get over it. He gave you a taste of what you really want and a reminder of what love can be. What a blessing!
Chin up Chatz! Focus on the love you want. Focus on a loving committed relationship with a man who knows that he wants you. The more you can get into the excitement about this soon to be relationship, the faster you will heal and it will come. I'm pulling for you!
The more you can bless this relationship and know that it was truly a case of bad timing but also see the blessings in it, the faster it is to get over it. He gave you a taste of what you really want and a reminder of what love can be. What a blessing!
Chin up Chatz! Focus on the love you want. Focus on a loving committed relationship with a man who knows that he wants you. The more you can get into the excitement about this soon to be relationship, the faster you will heal and it will come. I'm pulling for you!
I, too, think you made the right decision.
I hope you are at peace with it and you are able to keep on happily.
I hope you are at peace with it and you are able to keep on happily.
Awww, Chatz. You're both awesome people, and all this- your decision was probably for the best. Have no regrets!
Thanks all...no regrets...this time I wasnt going to hang on for false hope and who knows? maybe I put some fire in his belly to turn his life around and maybe that was why I was put into his life.
No more tears as I know he's doing it really hard right now and harder than me as he fights to hang on to the love he has for his wife but can see what he has just let go. I know what he's going through and really truly do realise he's doing it much harder than I.
We will be friends again in time...he isnt going to let go and Im glad but as I said to him, I need time to detach.
Thanks Little Sparrow - its not like Libra because this one really does care about me but yeah, just bad timing and I will get it right at some point LOL
Yes I can still smile
No more tears as I know he's doing it really hard right now and harder than me as he fights to hang on to the love he has for his wife but can see what he has just let go. I know what he's going through and really truly do realise he's doing it much harder than I.
We will be friends again in time...he isnt going to let go and Im glad but as I said to him, I need time to detach.
Thanks Little Sparrow - its not like Libra because this one really does care about me but yeah, just bad timing and I will get it right at some point LOL
Yes I can still smile
people that are so inept about how to act around others socially should NOT be around
people socially. until someone teaches you how to behave....leave people alone!
if you dont know how to treat people right...does this ring a bell
"do on to others as you would have them do on to you," does that ring a bell in all
your years of learning? yes, i am sarcastic because you are on here day in and day
out dishing out advice to others on this subject but yet you ask what are the rules in
treating other people. of course you should tell the man you want and plan to date other
people. thats called being honest.
i swear to God they should not allow people to be around others until they pass a test
like a driver. they are just as dangerous to people as when you get somone who is not
skilled at driving behind the wheel.
its fine and dandy that you are on here asking what you should do but you should have
done this before you jumped into anything.
people socially. until someone teaches you how to behave....leave people alone!
if you dont know how to treat people right...does this ring a bell
"do on to others as you would have them do on to you," does that ring a bell in all
your years of learning? yes, i am sarcastic because you are on here day in and day
out dishing out advice to others on this subject but yet you ask what are the rules in
treating other people. of course you should tell the man you want and plan to date other
people. thats called being honest.
i swear to God they should not allow people to be around others until they pass a test
like a driver. they are just as dangerous to people as when you get somone who is not
skilled at driving behind the wheel.
its fine and dandy that you are on here asking what you should do but you should have
done this before you jumped into anything.
Ummmm actually I did in a different post. I didnt jump into anything as such and I appreciate your feedback. That is what this board is for as at times people do feel confused and in need of non-biased advice.
And yes it is easier to be the outsider looking in and give advice yet still not be good at knowing what to do yourself.
I hear you and I take what you said on board. At the end of the day Im only trying to treat the man with the utmost of respect and to understand what the hell dating is these days LOL. As far as telling him Im dating others? well Im sure that both of us realise that its inevitable that will happen now as he has given nothing solid for me to hang onto. I dont owe him anything but still offer my friendship. I dont owe him to tell him Im seeing others (if thats what I choose) as we are not an item nor will we be seeing eachother as we have been.
Irishlibra? Yep, life has a strange way for sure and Im open to possibilities
It doesnt matter anymore because what we "had" is over and now Im off to try to live my life and move forward - Im sure I can do that.
And yes it is easier to be the outsider looking in and give advice yet still not be good at knowing what to do yourself.
I hear you and I take what you said on board. At the end of the day Im only trying to treat the man with the utmost of respect and to understand what the hell dating is these days LOL. As far as telling him Im dating others? well Im sure that both of us realise that its inevitable that will happen now as he has given nothing solid for me to hang onto. I dont owe him anything but still offer my friendship. I dont owe him to tell him Im seeing others (if thats what I choose) as we are not an item nor will we be seeing eachother as we have been.
Irishlibra? Yep, life has a strange way for sure and Im open to possibilities
It doesnt matter anymore because what we "had" is over and now Im off to try to live my life and move forward - Im sure I can do that.
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