What happy couples do...

This topic was created in the Relationships forum by krysrenee7 on Tuesday, July 9, 2013 and has 21 replies.
What sets happy couples apart from miserable couples? What are the things happy people/couples are doing OR not doing that unhappy couples could learn from?
We see all the stories & hear all the complaints from unhappy couples who are probably even more unhappy today than yesterday b/c they're getting all their relationship advice from other UNhappy couples...
If you wanna be successful, observe & do what successful people do! You can't learn from an unsuccessful person how to be successful. Only successful people can teach that class! I believe the same is true for happy relationships...
And let's get deep...other than the obvious: lying, cheating, abuse, etc. what are things that you HAPPY couples do that saves you from being 1 step away from an UNHAPPY couple?
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I've been happily married for many years & when I look back on my unhappy past relationships, I see a major difference!
And that difference started from the beginning with how you meet & judge a person when you 1st meet them allllllll the way to how you deal/don't deal with certain things once you're actually in the relationship
I've experienced for myself & observed from other happy couples that the things we all seem to have in common are:
1. From the beginning, we were BOTH ready to settle down...(Not 1 person whose fully ready & the other still dragging their feet)
2. From the beginning, we BOTH were very honest about who we were, what we wanted & what we expected from eachother...(Not telling eachother what we thought the other wanted to hear out of fear of judgement or rejection early on)
3. The 1st time we spotted a problem/red flag/flaw in eachother, we gently spoke up about it...(Not ignored it or put on denial glasses out of fear of ruining the good vibe we had going)
4. We BOTH learned how to pick our battles...(Everything doesn't have to be a big blow out argument. Some things are worth addressing & fixing NOW, others can wait later)
5. We BOTH communicate when it's needed even if we don't want to...(Not allowing pride, anger, ego, etc. to be an excuse for why we couldn't talk it out)
6. We BOTH established early on what we would not tolerate no matter what! We were also very clear what would happen if a deal breaker were to be committed...(He knew that if he committed the ultimate betrayal, I wouldn't go for lame excuses like "It just happened," or "I made a mistake." We both acknowledged that certain things are CHOICES & that if ever 1 of us decided to make certain devestating choices that it'd be over. And if a person takes you seriously when you warn them, they'll remember that 'warning' when they face temptation.)
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7. We didn't lie to ourselves about how important SEX is to a relationship...(Not purposely giving too little of it b/c we didn't wanna be perceived a certain way. Not purposely giving too much of it to gain more approval...but simply being true to your sexual needs, even if your sex drive is higher than theirs & even if you may want it more/less than them)
8. We BOTH understood early the importance of keeping others out of our relationship business...(Not bring the whole world in, watch the relationship fall apart, THEN realize that was a bad idea after the damage has already been done.)
9. We BOTH decided to dedicate atleast 1 or 2 nights a week to "JUST US" or a "DATE NIGHT." That way, no matter how stressful our jobs, careers, kids, family members or outside factors get us down, we can always say that we're still having fun! This allows for you to be your partner's outlet & go-to person when they are stressed, as opposed to seeking others--->leads down a slippery slope
10. We were BOTH more alike than we were different. Opposites do initially attract but they don't necessarily STAY together
And the list goes on & on! There's so much I did wrong in past relationships & I wish I had someone to tell me these things!
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Posted by SUT3point0
"Don't look at your woman too often and look only when you are both excited. Sleep
in separate bedrooms and do not unite more than one or two times a week. The man
must never touch a woman who is not sensitive to his touch and he must never stop
until she has trembled with desire at least two times. This is a recommendation of
great importance. ~P.B.R."


Love love LOVE this!!!
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Posted by starlover
Great question
not spend too much time together is a key factor for me ~ familiarity breeds contempt
ensure you are with someone who you are sexually in synch with or else that can lead to disaster
go out and have fun together...dance, make love outside, go to exciting places and be playful together
meet in different cities ~ paris, verona, dublin, berlin etc etc
i guess the key word is *inventive*
well that is what works for me Big Grin


Yes, yes & more YES!!! This is def. 1 of the most important! May not seem like it in the beginning b/c fun is all 2 people have after they 1st meet! But maintaining that is harder than it looks & something most couples don't realize they forgot to do until the spark has already blew itself out/it's too late!
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...Never let pride/ego stop you from saying "Sorry" when you were in the wrong! Most times your partner isn't actually mad at what you actually DID, but moreso more upset that you can't apologize or atleast acknowledge the affect your actions (or lack of) have on them
...Always keep in mind what attracted that person to you! This doesn't mean that you shouldn't ever change or grow into new habits, looks, etc. but it's helpful to remember why they started liking you in the 1st place so that you'll know which tools to bring out/back during the tough times!
....Have opposite sex friends!! If your partner doesn't want you to, that's coming from a place of insecurity & the goal is for your partner to trust you regardless of who you're with, & NOT someone who can only trust you only after they've controlled you.
...Instead of thinking about what you're going to say next while your partner is speaking, shut up externally AND internally & just LISTEN!
...If something bothers you, speak up. But also make sure that you're speaking up & giving compliments & showing appreciation when they're doing things that make you happy! Your complaint ratio can't be higher than your compliments ratio. No one likes a nagger. No one can stay in love with a nagger.
...Don't use "breaking up" as a 1st resort just b/c you've run into a problem that you can seem to fix overnight.
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Posted by starlover
I also wouldnt live with a man again and prefer to stay lovers....if you can sustain this whilst being married i take my hat off to you
Living alone has been very character building for me as i was always dependent on *the other* smile


I've got 2 kids (twins =)
I have mixed feelings on 2 people living together. You can't truly know a person inside & out unless you live with them. And it's kind of pointless to be with someone & expect to fully understand them if you're not interested in learning who they are inside & out
On the other hand, maintaining some independence is crucial! And hey, for some living separately is how they maintain that! And if it works for that couple, then so be it!
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Posted by ellessque
hey, krys!
it's great to see you grace us with your presence again smile
your threads have been missed!


ELLESSQUE!!!!! I've missed you too! Sorry, had to take some time off from DXP! Raising twins can be tough!!!
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...Allow your partner to help you grow. Don't be so quick to take offense or accuse them of trying to 'control' you when they point out a crucial flaw in you that may need to change. Be glad that your partner cares enough & is in tune with your spirit enough to tell you. Some people can see you engaging in behavior that is destructive to yourself & others & yet won't say/do a thing!!!
...Plan trips in advance!! Getaways save relationships!
...know your partner's love language. Everybody gives/receives love in different ways/forms. Some give love through gift giving, words of affirmation, physical closeness/affection, etc. therefore they naturally expect for their partner to show their appreciation/love in the same way. It's OK to have different love languages as long you are aware of that fact!
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Posted by tiziani
Posted by krysrenee7

...Instead of thinking about what you're going to say next while your partner is speaking, shut up externally AND internally & just LISTEN!





I may need to volunteer to study under you as my life coach.
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Aww thanks suga! Any input you can bring to this topic would be much appreciated!!
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Krys: a lot of what you say is simple and practical. Things shouldn't be that complicated
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...If your partner confides in you their biggest flaws or secrets, this is the time to be the most understanding & listening, not the time to bring out judgements, bring up old arguments or talk over them. It's very hard for some people to put their wall down & confide in others, so when they do, show them that them doing so was a GOOD move, not a bad one!!
...Don't be afraid to be in a bad mood, be human or not look your best sometimes. Your partner will appreciate you alot more if they see that you're not perfect. If they feel that you always have to be perfect, it puts too much pressure on them to be perfect & that's unhealthy/toxic for a relationship.
...Don't put any tvs or electronics in your bedroom where you both sleep. Allow your bedroom to be the place where you either sleep or get intimate. You want your partner to associate nighttime & the bedroom with pleasurable things like sleep, sex & intimacy! When you guys are in the bedroom, it should just be you & them, NOT you them, twitter & your next argument
...Disagreements are good!! You'll bore your partner to shreds if you always agree with everything they say or if you're not strong-minded enough to be true to yourself & stand up for what you believe in! Being ok with disagreeing encourages the other person to be open-minded & to not think that their way of thinking/doing things is the only way!
...Discuss/argue with the goal/intent of having more understanding than you did before as opposed to your intent being to be 'right.' If 1 person is always right, that means the other person is always wrong. The person whose always right will be in heaven but the person who can't ever win will always be miserable & them feeling that way will negatively change how they feel about you & the relationship
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Posted by beautifulsoul74
Krys: a lot of what you say is simple and practical. Things shouldn't be that complicated


Well that's the beauty of life! Things seem like 'common sense' usually AFTER the fact.
You're right though, these things are simple! But there are alot of relationships/marriages that fail simply b/c they can't seem to grasp & learn things that are actually very simple!
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Posted by tiziani
I would but I'm just enjoying listening smile There are a couple of points I wouldn't necessarily say I see the same way. By and large though, I lack experience in relationships.


You'll get there! It took me ALOTTTTTTT of years, mistakes & relationships later before I actually learned!
Plus I didn't have anyone back then telling me these things!
I feel that sometimes the difference b/w a relationship being happy from it being a complete fail are the little things that we can start doing OR stop doing! The little & simplest of things make a worlllllllllllld of difference!
Things like changing who you are, having to find a perfect person, etc. isn't the key to a happy relationship! It sounds so simple & like common sense but when you're young, dumb, immature or are too hard-headed these things aren't necessarily hard to understand but moreso hard to implement
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Good stuff Taurean! I love the "Cuddles are mandatory," thing! If 2 people are sitting next to eachother the question isn't "Why would they cuddle?" but moreso "Why wouldn't they?!"
Physical intimacy/closeness is SO important & makes a world of difference! Plus, it's good to separate sex from physical closeness/intimacy, that way if 1 starts lacking for whatever reason, you guys can still survive on the other! hehehe
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I really think appreciation is a big thing. No one is perfect but if you can't see and appreciate what the other person has done for you, neither one of you will be happy in the relationship. Unfortunately some people only see what the other person isn't doing for them and endlessly comparing with other couples.
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Acceptance. Pure and simple
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Posted by Sexyvirgosiren
Acceptance. Pure and simple


yes. this.
My sag sis and her virgo guy have this OPEN ridiculously suck face lovey dovey kind of love. It gets us uncomfortable sometimes, cause they do it in front of family and friends. lol. It's like...um GET A ROOM!
Then, my aries sis with her libra guy seem very overtly romantic, with open displays of romantic and sentimentality. It's a good marriage between them. She leads, and he follows. they're both heavy water, and he more earth so ultimately her aries sun wants to wear the man's pants.
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We are always going out and doing stuff, having dates a few times a week.
we tell each other that we love and appreciate each other every day.
he tells me I'm beautiful every day.
We joke around together.
We talk about issues when they arise.
We are working on spending a little less time together because we spend almost every minute together lately.
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Great thread, thank you
I find myself relating to every points Kyrsrenee said above .
I then conclude that we are happy regardless of other circumstances.
Its the obstacles that bring two people closer together...so if obstacles torn you apart...then it was never meant to be in the first place.
Respect Trust and Acceptance is the key for me.
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Chemistry and emotional maturity. Its amazing when you see a guy that never opens up, or never change a bad habit and then bam, he mets a girl that makes him open up like a flower and be happier, or viceversa.
Emotional maturity because there's a point where a person becomes tired of doing a particular mistake, next time that person improves in that area, hence that person improves his/her social relationships.
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