What went wrong? Some one?
This topic was created in the Relationships forum by donggri84 on Sunday, September 23, 2012 and has 28 replies.
My boyfriend and I had a bit of a down time so he went away for 3 weeks to his parents place to work on his personal project and to relax.
The issue was that he wasn't sure if he wanted to have future with me anymore that the gut feeling wasn't good.
He said he was confused.
I let him go happily, since he really needs this time to unwind from hectic work (he's been under high pressure for a while).
He was messaging and calling me everyday, things were getting better.
Then I sent him flirty texts and pics which made things better.
so much so that he told me he really really missed me and asked me if I wanted to come up.
I replied saying No (basically) that I thought this time apart was important and good for us. also I haven't met his parents yet and I thought its not respectable to crash at his parents.
He replied saying they were away that weekend. I said I will think about it and sent him a very nice photo of me.
He replied, yeah OK lets leave it, it was just an idea.
where did it go wrong? things were going fine and now he's back in the cave.
Was it that I said something about "us"? or the fact that I turned his offer down?
We were meant to go away together and he uninvited me to the trip because of our situation.
I wasn't about to cancel my plans here and fly up to see him just because he asked me on text.
The issue was that he wasn't sure if he wanted to have future with me anymore that the gut feeling wasn't good.
He said he was confused.
I let him go happily, since he really needs this time to unwind from hectic work (he's been under high pressure for a while).
He was messaging and calling me everyday, things were getting better.
Then I sent him flirty texts and pics which made things better.
so much so that he told me he really really missed me and asked me if I wanted to come up.
I replied saying No (basically) that I thought this time apart was important and good for us. also I haven't met his parents yet and I thought its not respectable to crash at his parents.
He replied saying they were away that weekend. I said I will think about it and sent him a very nice photo of me.
He replied, yeah OK lets leave it, it was just an idea.
where did it go wrong? things were going fine and now he's back in the cave.
Was it that I said something about "us"? or the fact that I turned his offer down?
We were meant to go away together and he uninvited me to the trip because of our situation.
I wasn't about to cancel my plans here and fly up to see him just because he asked me on text.
damn, you turned him down....
Should I just leave it till he contacts again? or say something?
I wasn't about to cancel my plans here and fly up to see him just because he asked me on text.
no offense, how important is he to you? u guys had a tiff, he left, u were both warming up to each other, he wants to spend some vaca time with you, you shoot him down...ice cold
no offense, how important is he to you? u guys had a tiff, he left, u were both warming up to each other, he wants to spend some vaca time with you, you shoot him down...ice cold
Ice cold?
He is very important to me. He initially left saying he needed this 3 wks and that it will be good for us.
I didn't know I was being cold.
I thought his parents would be there and didn't want to be rude.
when he said they won't going to be I said I'll think about it. (I have a job that's coming up I might have to do it by next week)
And he just said forget about it.
Man!!
How can I fix this?
He is very important to me. He initially left saying he needed this 3 wks and that it will be good for us.
I didn't know I was being cold.
I thought his parents would be there and didn't want to be rude.
when he said they won't going to be I said I'll think about it. (I have a job that's coming up I might have to do it by next week)
And he just said forget about it.
Man!!
How can I fix this?
run to your man child!
if only a for a few days. be back in time for your job. "i will think about it" is a slow no if u want to keep it real. he thought u were going to be excited and you 2 were going to rekindle a flame.
if only a for a few days. be back in time for your job. "i will think about it" is a slow no if u want to keep it real. he thought u were going to be excited and you 2 were going to rekindle a flame.
arrrrghhhh but i already replied when he said forget about it with "no worries have a lovely day"
may be I should text? i also dont want to seem like a needy girl who cant stick to her decisions...
and ive already said that i thought this time apart was important for us..
i think ive already screwed it
if you or anyone has a good bandaid solution do throw them on my way!!
its a sensitive period where i really need to work to make things
may be I should text? i also dont want to seem like a needy girl who cant stick to her decisions...
and ive already said that i thought this time apart was important for us..
i think ive already screwed it
if you or anyone has a good bandaid solution do throw them on my way!!
its a sensitive period where i really need to work to make things
So you not going was because you werent going to give in to him? Or because you wanted to stay true to your two's plan of taking three weeks time so he could soul search.
Quite honestly, not meaning to sound harsh, but only saying what I sense for your originatl post is that it sounds/seems like you are a little sa, and bitter that he wanted this time to figure out if he wanted the relationship. And in return you are lashing out in a passive agressive way and punishing him, YET giving him every reason to be tempted by you and to not end things.
I'm not saying you dont or shouldnt feel sad, etc. but you either want him in this relationship fully and completely in his heart and mind, or fear of losing him for your own needs and what he and the relationship brings YOU. Maybe take this time to reflect on his concerns, and not enticing with pics and then turning him down out of rooted hurt and/or anger.
Quite honestly, not meaning to sound harsh, but only saying what I sense for your originatl post is that it sounds/seems like you are a little sa, and bitter that he wanted this time to figure out if he wanted the relationship. And in return you are lashing out in a passive agressive way and punishing him, YET giving him every reason to be tempted by you and to not end things.
I'm not saying you dont or shouldnt feel sad, etc. but you either want him in this relationship fully and completely in his heart and mind, or fear of losing him for your own needs and what he and the relationship brings YOU. Maybe take this time to reflect on his concerns, and not enticing with pics and then turning him down out of rooted hurt and/or anger.
* a little sad
hmm ok
thanks, thats not what i was trying to do....
but i guess it could seem that way...
I'm not angry at all or bitter about him going away.
in a way both of us are able to do our own projects and grow.
wasn't sure if he was 100% on the me coming to see him thing. guess I thought too much again?
thanks all!
thanks, thats not what i was trying to do....
but i guess it could seem that way...
I'm not angry at all or bitter about him going away.
in a way both of us are able to do our own projects and grow.
wasn't sure if he was 100% on the me coming to see him thing. guess I thought too much again?
thanks all!
Thank you for elaborating more on that aspect, sometimes it is hard to know when a person is only reading rather than talking talking.If you weren't sure he really wanted you there, in the back of your mind did you feel like you were sending the pics to make up for you two being apart, and then he was turned on and wanted you there to get a piece of ass? Granted I'm a Cancer, but I couldnt have helped but to feel or wonder if it were me. Not saying he did or was, just sometimes the way I think and many times, overthinking!! lol
And same on this end too, I wouldnt feel comfortable going to his parents house had I never met them, I would feel like I'm invading their home or it seemingly disrespectful to go when they're not there, yet never met 'em.
I'll look after I post this, but in case you dont have it ... what are your placements and his?
You should've went...sometimes you have to go with it. Who cares if he sent it via text. What, do you need a carrier pigeon? The fact is he asked after you enticed him and because he didn't ask the way you wanted him to you shot him down...further making doubt you and the relationship because you sent him mixed signals. Not hard to figure out...your ego made a mistake.
yeah the pics was to make up for the time we aren't together.I didn't expect him to ask me to come up!
but look it was right after those texts so I wasn't so sure if he wanted me to really...
Mixed signals ehy?
hmm........
this is so damn confusing, I try to do the right thing and it screws up again.
so im back at zero...Yeah I think he is rethinking about me and the relationship.
Well, I don't know anymore its too hard of a work!
Who knows he may have done a lot of thinking before he asked me but just in that timing cause he did ask me before what I was upto next
weekend.
so ok, we have established the fact that I made a mistake.
I'm ok with that, ppl make mistakes!
Now, on resolving?
I sent him a msg saying have a good evening that I'm thinking about him also that I may not need to work on that weekend (which I really thought I was, thats why I told him I'll think about it!) that I miss him and it would be nice to see him.
I guess its upto him now.
But the chance seems pretty slim now~!!
Not too bummed about it, not like I did something so freaking horrible.
If he decides to break up with me over it then, thats that...
He had his doubts about his entire future with you, so he took himself off to think about things and you allowed him this time, when he got a bit lonely (probably thinking how quiet the weekend would be without his parents there) he summoned you by text to come see him and when you told him it was best to stick to the original plan and take the time out he threw his dummy out of the pram, completly ignoring your very valid reasons for not coming. Personally if I was in a serious relationship with someone and they needed time to think about their future with me it would take a hell of a lot more than a little text to convince me that he was indeed serious about "us".
Text conversations in a realtionship is beyone ridiculous IMO also, can you two not talk on the telephone.
Fuck him, leave him to it and when he decides he does want you after all let him get you back with a lot more effort than that.
Text conversations in a realtionship is beyone ridiculous IMO also, can you two not talk on the telephone.
Fuck him, leave him to it and when he decides he does want you after all let him get you back with a lot more effort than that.
Why do you think you made a mistake, I see no mistake anywhere.
thank you so much
everything everyone said i took it to heart
it means a lot
he still hasn't contacted me but I'm ok.
Will ride the wave...
I really don't think I did anything wrong
but may be this just isn't meant to be and he is still questioning if he wants to be with me
and I should also think about that too
i'll leave him alone and see what happens
but one day i would like to figure out what really caused the sudden coldness!!!
:S
:S
Seems like a big misunderstanding.
Seems like you didn't know his parents weren't gonna be there until after you turned him down so technically I can see where you both are coming from
From his point of view, he needed space going into it but as soon as he actually got his 'space' he started missing you. When he told you to come to him, he was expecting for you to break & run, b/c he was assuming or hoping that you couldn't handle the 'space' just like he couldn't
So he kind of took that as rejection. And if he was already looking for reasons to let you go or get away from him, he found the smallest miscommunication & allowed it to support what he WANTED to believe
But I can see what you're saying too. You were just trying to honor his wishes. So often guys complain that we don't listen or truly give them space.
But yet not only did you have self control, you also took into consideration that meeting his parents when you 2 were on shaky terms isn't necessarily the best route to go
I think you did the right thing. I can see why/how it went sour but I don't think the situation is not repairable.
If he's not sure he wants to be with you, then you're right, trying to force something won't work. I'd be willing to guarantee you that had you refused to give him space, he would've been just as turned off & just as distant now so look at it that way
Let him get his head together. You seem to be the most logical one in the situation. He's being led more by his emotions, outer stresses, etc.
Seems like you didn't know his parents weren't gonna be there until after you turned him down so technically I can see where you both are coming from
From his point of view, he needed space going into it but as soon as he actually got his 'space' he started missing you. When he told you to come to him, he was expecting for you to break & run, b/c he was assuming or hoping that you couldn't handle the 'space' just like he couldn't
So he kind of took that as rejection. And if he was already looking for reasons to let you go or get away from him, he found the smallest miscommunication & allowed it to support what he WANTED to believe
But I can see what you're saying too. You were just trying to honor his wishes. So often guys complain that we don't listen or truly give them space.
But yet not only did you have self control, you also took into consideration that meeting his parents when you 2 were on shaky terms isn't necessarily the best route to go
I think you did the right thing. I can see why/how it went sour but I don't think the situation is not repairable.
If he's not sure he wants to be with you, then you're right, trying to force something won't work. I'd be willing to guarantee you that had you refused to give him space, he would've been just as turned off & just as distant now so look at it that way
Let him get his head together. You seem to be the most logical one in the situation. He's being led more by his emotions, outer stresses, etc.
Wow that makes a lot of sense!
It did seem that way a little. Soon as he left I picked my life up and I got soooo busy.
catching up with old friends, hanging out with girl friends, working, training...etc
He was the one who was calling everyday and sometimes I would miss a call or text because I was so busy...
I guess he took it as a rejection.
I hope it is repairable...
It did seem that way a little. Soon as he left I picked my life up and I got soooo busy.
catching up with old friends, hanging out with girl friends, working, training...etc
He was the one who was calling everyday and sometimes I would miss a call or text because I was so busy...
I guess he took it as a rejection.
I hope it is repairable...
My opinion, he seemed very into you and took you seriously until you turned down going to visit him and Mr and Mrs. No man would invite a woman to meet their parents if he did not feel strongly about you. His ego was already turning asking you to come visit and meet them and as soon as you said no I believe that is what shut him down. I don't know how long its been but I would give him some space and next time you speak to him (preferably) in person, sincerely in short strong words tell him you love him and hopefully any decisions made in the past does not affect your future together! Or however you want to word it you know your relationship best not me. Bottom line is give him appreciation in your own words...men love to be appreciated and told so..it works 
k goodluck sweet
k goodluck sweetIm currently at a stage of cold silent treatment. I feel like I'm getting punished for wounding his ego.
It is really tiring me.
Sent a msg yesterday and this morning.
Nothing.
I apologised in the one I sent in the morning.
Saying I thought I was being respectful of his work space and his parents, and also that I really needed
to think about my work schedule.
Also that it made me very happy he asked and that phone call might have been better than text for
better communication. wished him a lovely day
I've done what I could. Explained why I declined and apologised.
There's nothing more I can do.
Space is the best thing.
It is really tiring me.
Sent a msg yesterday and this morning.
Nothing.
I apologised in the one I sent in the morning.
Saying I thought I was being respectful of his work space and his parents, and also that I really needed
to think about my work schedule.
Also that it made me very happy he asked and that phone call might have been better than text for
better communication. wished him a lovely day
I've done what I could. Explained why I declined and apologised.
There's nothing more I can do.
Space is the best thing.
Posted by donggri84
where did it go wrong? things were going fine and now he's back in the cave.
Was it that I said something about "us"? or the fact that I turned his offer down?
You make it sound like something went wrong while he was at his parents, and the whole flirting back and forth episode in which got him cranked .. when in reality ....
Posted by donggri84
The issue was that he wasn't sure if he wanted to have future with me anymore that the gut feeling wasn't good.
He said he was confused.
click to expand
.... the something that went wrong started BEFORE he went to his parents.
It seems to like you are avoiding the real issue and putting focus on the wrong thing. Him having a little issue because you didn't go to him because his dick was lonely isn't the problem .. the problem is why he left in the first place under the pretense that he's unsure about a future with you.
If you want to be concerned .... then be concerned about the proper issue, stop avoiding what is really wrong.
Posted by Sheleadsvenus
My opinion, he seemed very into you and took you seriously until you turned down going to visit him and Mr and Mrs. No man would invite a woman to meet their parents if he did not feel strongly about you. His ego was already turning asking you to come visit and meet them and as soon as you said no I believe that is what shut him down. I don't know how long its been but I would give him some space and next time you speak to him (preferably) in person, sincerely in short strong words tell him you love him and hopefully any decisions made in the past does not affect your future together! Or however you want to word it you know your relationship best not me. Bottom line is give him appreciation in your own words...men love to be appreciated and told so..it works
He didn't invite her to meet the parents, he invited her because the parents would not be there.
Posted by donggri84
Im currently at a stage of cold silent treatment. I feel like I'm getting punished for wounding his ego.
It is really tiring me.
Sent a msg yesterday and this morning.
Nothing.
I apologised in the one I sent in the morning.
Saying I thought I was being respectful of his work space and his parents, and also that I really needed
to think about my work schedule.
Also that it made me very happy he asked and that phone call might have been better than text for
better communication. wished him a lovely day
I've done what I could. Explained why I declined and apologised.
There's nothing more I can do.
Space is the best thing.
What did you apologise for, he made a decision, you stook to it, he tried to change the goalpost because he wanted a bonk. Previously he has asked you to change your entire personality to suit him and then did a major dummy throw when the zipper on his surf bag got stuck. This isn't a man you are dealing with its a child - who is currently in another major sulk, sulks get worse with time.
Posted by P-AngelPosted by donggri84
where did it go wrong? things were going fine and now he's back in the cave.
Was it that I said something about "us"? or the fact that I turned his offer down?
You make it sound like something went wrong while he was at his parents, and the whole flirting back and forth episode in which got him cranked .. when in reality ....
Posted by donggri84
The issue was that he wasn't sure if he wanted to have future with me anymore that the gut feeling wasn't good.
He said he was confused.
.... the something that went wrong started BEFORE he went to his parents.
It seems to like you are avoiding the real issue and putting focus on the wrong thing. Him having a little issue because you didn't go to him because his dick was lonely isn't the problem .. the problem is why he left in the first place under the pretense that he's unsure about a future with you.
If you want to be concerned .... then be concerned about the proper issue, stop avoiding what is really wrong.
click to expand
Precicesly. You two have had stuff going on before and its never been resolved. One or both of you are sticking your head in the sand.
Precisely even
You didn't jump and rightfully so, this is someone that says he's not sure about a future with you, well of course you're going to be apprehensive but for the most part he got turned on, erection gone now he's gone, don't make a big deal out of it, he'll be back and in the mean time while he's figuring it out keep doing whatever you were doing before this happened.
Surprise him and just go for a day or 2....still giving him plenty of alone time...but I believe if he asked you to come down it was his way of reaching out to you...i would have gone even if I didn't stay the whole 2 weeks..Oh shit I just noticed this is old so he might be back already...But anyways that is what you should have done. I would of.
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