When is enough enough?

Hi Elle (love you btw!),
I'm Cancer and he's Taurus. It's supposed to work in theory.

:::: shakes head ::::

No help—?
:::sad face:::

Wow California, I do sympathize. I married a "loner" and they are hard to change.(Aqua guy) They may get better for a while but as they get older, it just gets worse. The no sex situation really sucks. You want a man who makes you feel special and beautiful. I think as a husband, that is something he should never stop doing.(likewise from you). So, although you married him, and I always believe you should try to salvage that first, you are only 30. If you have done your part (be honest), and you do not have kids, then go and don't look back.

Hey,
@Elle: He never touches me, even during the extremely rare times we do something (that I initiate). That, to me, is bad enough. I don't think I'm being dramatic. I waited for 4 years, patiently, for him, to learn more about me (as a woman - as it was something he didn't know). But he doesn't even have that curiosity. If wanting a minimum in life is being dramatic, then, I guess, a lot of us are!

@ CapGal: we actually have separate lives. I have my own stuff I pursue (thank God, otherwise, I'd be dead of boredom!), he has his. For a long while, we even had separate rooms. I changed cities since college, so all my friends live far away. My problem is not over-focus, but lack of focus and common stuff.

I'd say that right now, I really struggle to see how and what I could do. I just don't have it anymore (the will to stay). I just don't know if it's real or if it's just a bad phase. That's why I wanted to ask people here.
I don't know if I'm being clear 😉
Thanks!!

Posted by TheLadySagittarius
Wow California, I do sympathize. I married a "loner" and they are hard to change.(Aqua guy) They may get better for a while but as they get older, it just gets worse. The no sex situation really sucks. You want a man who makes you feel special and beautiful. I think as a husband, that is something he should never stop doing.(likewise from you). So, although you married him, and I always believe you should try to salvage that first, you are only 30. If you have done your part (be honest), and you do not have kids, then go and don't look back.

Thanks LadySagittarius,
I'm going through therapy, just to have a more "objective" point of view. But right now, I feels like I played all my cards. The only thing that is painful is that we're not on the same page. To him, life always gets better. But 4 years later, things are not getting any better, for sure...
Hugs to you!

Hugs back to you Elle,
I know what you're saying.. Right now, I just don't know when and if I should let go. When you go that much is the wrong direction, is there a possible happy solution?- that would not consist in breaking someone's heart and divorcing after just a few months? Being ignored like that for years is really hard. He doesn't like kissing (French kissing), I really miss that... If I stay, I feel like I have to "mourn" things that are "normal".

Wow. I can't believe you married him. Too late now! Woman up and deal with the consequences.

Posted by CapGal
Sounds like you have done quite a bit to get your marriage up and running. Do you have kids? Do you have a good relationship with his relatives? Maybe you can have a close relative or two speak with him, letting him know how much this is affecting you. Does he know you're having second thoughts about your marriage? If you've done all the above and he refuses to budge then I believe the ball is totally in your court for you to do what you feel is best for you. A marriage is a partnership and each party MUST fulfill their role if its to be a successful union. Four years is really a long time to remain in stale mode. Will he ever get out?? I'm sure you must be pondering the same. It's your life hun, make it work for YOU!

We have no kids. As for his family, things have ben deteriorating for the past year. They keep an ascendancy on him (financially, on when we have to visit them...) and his mother has been quite harsh with me (in what she says to me, criticizing my family that she never met...). The thing is that it's not our "first" crisis. They've been a few in the past, but he always managed to convince me that things would get better. It's just that now, he doesn't have much credibility in that department. He knows how things are since we're going through counceling/therapy together, and he talks about it with other people. Still... Not much is happening...
Thanks CapGal 🙂

Posted by ninjamu
Wow. I can't believe you married him. Too late now! Woman up and deal with the consequences.

Yeah, I can't either!!! I don't know what the f**** I was thinking! I was really naive. I never made (big) mistakes before, I guess it was time for a big, good blunder...
To err is human, I guess, some people are more human than others 😉

Posted by ellessque
but were things ever "normal", really?

I'm not advocating divorce either way, I just know somewhat how you feel.

In the beginning of my second marriage it appeared "normal" but it was emotionally lethargic when I go back and revisit it in my mind. I probably wouldn't have stayed the entire 8 years if I were the person I am today. The straw broke when he introduced alcholism. Prior to that, it was very similar to what you were describing. Three years later he's still doing the same thing and his family calls me for advice. I have none.

Sometimes you can only do so much without taking from yourself. If you are unsure of what to do, just keep taking care of yourself, keep yourself busy, self-reflect, figure out what makes you happy....he will either follow or continue to stray. Don't let him emotional health define who you are. Define it yourself. Good men do one of three things, lead, follow or walk besides you. The only thing you can do now is lead by example.

That's the thing I'm trying to figure out. If I look back at all my relationships, there's a clear pattern which consists in me playing the role of the "nurse". I've always been with guys who had major issues. It just hit me recently that it was exactly what I was doing with him. The outcome is always the same: at some point, I can't do it anymore, I'm empty and I have ignored myself for all of this time. As you said, I should focus on doing me and figuring out what I want and how I want it, and then, we'll see. It's just that sharing the same roof with him makes it harder.

Posted by QuietSt0rm
ewwww.. that sounds horrible. My sagittarius mars is depressed just reading this. I can't stand being bored sexually either.

Take him to the strip club, buy him a lap dance then take him home and put it in his face. 😄

Not going to work. He never looks at other women. And the more "womanly" you look, the less it works.. He's not repressed, just in case, you wonder. It's just not his trip.

Posted by everevolvingepithet
^ Why take him to the club ?
Spend the money on some kinky boots, suspenders etc, making yourself looking foxy and treat him to your own lapdance.

That wouldn't work either. Too vulgar, I guess (to him! Not to me. I used to do that with my exes). When I tell you that I'm in despair, I'm not kidding. ;(

In response to the original poster's questions....

1. Sounds like you both got into the relationship for the wrong reasons AND stayed for all the wrong reasons, thus it should be no surprise that now the relationship's true worth is measuring in at about a level ZERO 😢

2. Not to blaim any of this on you, but 50% of why he's content with giving you the minimum is b/c you've taken the minimum for so long. Aruging and/or threatening someone to give you the world won't work. If you truly want someone to "get it," you've got to show them through your actions that you're willing to walk away if you have to. Well, you haven't walked away yet & to someone like him, he doesn't yet have the incentive to get his shxt together b/c well, you're still around. You may be half disconnected, BUT you're not all the way disconnected. And honey, some people (especially men) need to lose you ALTOGETHER before they finally "get it" (if they even do)

3. You're on the right track. You know that your happiness comes 1st & no offense, but hell even he oughta be happy. It's clear that neither of you are happy, that's why you're both settling. He sounds like he's just given up & said F it as a whole (with you & with himself), while yet you sound like you're just saying F it to the relationship, but not necessarily to your happiness & life. That's a start =) The only way to happiness is to 1st acknowledge that where you are is NOT happiness. Once you realize that, you'll naturally start thinking of solutions & ways to get back to the life you always wanted & truly deserve. You simply realizing that puts you 1 more step closer to happiness

4. Get out of the relationship/marriage. Admit that maybe he just wasn't right for you after all, but don't just keep continuing to stay all b/c you can't handle the ego blow of admitting that you picked the wrong 1. We all do/have at some point, BUT the difference is that you've gotta do something about it, not just talk about it.

5. Some people grow apart, but in your case, I don't think you 2 ever really had that UMPH! to begin with. You can't change that you've settled for so many years, but what you CAN change is in making sure that your next 6 years won't be the same. Good luck girlie =)

Agree with Krys

One point ....

A 6-year relationship = you knew him well before marrying him.

Which means .. I won't sympathize with pity freaks, you have nothinge except excuses when people try to aid you, which = you're a pity freak seeking attention.


Out

P-Angel, stop tooting your own horn. She's not looking for sympathy or for anyone to pity her. She's in a situation that most of us have been in before (maybe not just for 6 years): She's stuck with the wrong person. Half of the people in America are still entertaining folks they know they should've walked away from a lonnnng time ago. Doesn't mean that her decision to stay is justified, but moreso that you shouldn't be walking around here all high & mighty like you've never known what it's like to wake up 1 day & realize you were in the wrong friendship or relationship.

Wait...what am I saying...I bet P-Angel doesn't even have a man. Perhaps she always acts like a condescending B b/c she hasn't been laid in 6 years! She probably wouldn't even know what it feels like to even be in a relationship period! There's no way in hell any man on this earth considers your antics "attractive" & "Worth keeping." And if so, maybe we on Dxp need to have a little "chat/talk" with him =P

Do your own thing, enjoy your own time and keep the communication open that you would rather be vacationing WITH HIM and having great sex. Be positive and have faith in your message and don't make it into anything but a good solid attempt at making things smoother for you both.

Nothing wrong with expressing your needs, in fact I encourage it. I definitely think you can choose very civil and positive and non-pushy ways to communicate, and if he wants to continue on his ways without addressing it then it is time to find a different way.

Make sure to doublecheck your homework and make sure you have been "pulling your weight" around the relationship, you definitely don't want a well-meaning attempt at fixing things in the relationship to go to arguments because he in fact feels you haven't been supportive enough or whatnot. Mind you again I don't think you should personalize what is going on unless you feel you have something more to give, don't get on your own case, just do more in that case.

Regardless we hope it works out and wish you the best.

Your relationship sounds like my 5 yr relationship with my scorpio x. No sex, hardly even any affection. We were friends, roommates. We had a lot of things that made it difficult to attempt to end it, financially especially, but also because we got along so well. We tried therapy. Tried toys/spicing things up. Now the one main difference and possibly means this doesn't fit your situation is that my X was interested in beastiality. That's the REASON for it becoming what you are now experiencing. At any rate, he is my X. Nothing, no matter how hard I tried (and I am DAMN persistent), worked.