When it's time to throw in the towel (sigh)

I know I know, we live in a society where "giving up," divorcing or parting ways from the person/people we love is FROWNED upon

BUT

At some point, we all have to remember a few things:
1. All relationships are NOT meant to last forever. Just b/c you can chase someone & get them to commit to you doesn't mean that the relationship is meant for you. It just means that you're good at marketing yourself & getting others to buy/want it. 2 DIFFERENT things.

2. Some of you are more in love with either the CONCEPT of love more than the actual person OR who that person USED to be OR who you WISH they were VS. who they actually are now. Breaking up may suck BUT settling sucks even MORE!

3. People change. Circumstances change. Someone may have been compatible with you the 1st 2 years of the relationship, but if things or that person change, you 2 may not be as compatible anymore years later. Think of it this way: If you were to have met your partner at his current stage NOW (good & bad), would you still have dated them now? If you had've known that this is what you signed up for, would you have signed up for it? If you answered NO & if you could've made a different decision, that's an indication that you're in the WRONG relationships.

4. Although relationships are challenging & take hard work, remember though that they're still supposed to be FUN. If you're experiencing more heartache, pain, confusion & hurt than you are happiness, joy & fun, you're DEFEATING the purpose of being in a relationship. Companionship is suppoed to be fun, unique, fulfilling. If you're losing more than your gaining, you're in the WRONG relationship.

5. Some things are just NEVER OK. Yes, I get it, we're all human & we all make mistakes. No one is perfect. BUT we have to STOP making so many excuses for certain things that our partners put us through. Constantly cheating is NOT ok & it never will be. Physical/emotional abuse or violence of any kind if NOT ok nor will it ever be! If someone can't even get the basics down of RESPECT 101, they're NOT right for you.

6. Being the "hero" or "ride or die" is ok sometimes, BUT we have to remember our role as partners, not parents or God. If you insist on being that "ride or die" for someone, that's great! BUT (keyword) make sure you're only being so for the person that's the same for you (during the good & the bad).

..6 cont...
So many times people get in these draining relationships, where 1 person is always doing MORE than the other; and they think the solution is to keep on giving more. It's NOT. If someone is ungrateful, disrespectful & selfish while you're giving them $ 10, they'll be the SAME when you give them $ 100.

7. People whom are married are advised to put up with TWICE the crap simply b/c they're married vs. people who are just in regular relationships. I agree that marriage takes a higher level of commitment/dedication/sacrifice in order for it to last, therefore it only makes sense to dedicate a higher sense of loyalty, understanding & unconditional love. BUT if you'd be an idiot to put up with cheating, abuse, constant disrespect, etc. while you're just in a regular relationship, what makes you think you're any LESS of any idiot when willingly putting up with those things while you're actually married to someone? Getting married shouldn't =losing your self-esteem, self worth and/or morals. If you wouldn't put up with a slap from him/her when you were just friends or together, guess what? It's STILL not ok just b/c you're married. Know when to throw in the towel.

When is it time to throw in the towel?

8. "Break up just to make up" is about the silliest thing in the world. Doing this hurts your relationship more than you realize. Seriously, every time you break up with your partner just to make up with them, you're knocking off points on your "Relationship stability board." If you need space or feel the need to break up, that's fine. BUT sweet talk, make up sex or anything OTHER than a solution to the original problem should NOT be the basis for which you get back with someone. Every time you let someone back in your life, remember the reason you kicked them out in the 1st place. If they change, tweak or stop doing whatever it is that got them kicked out in the 1st place, THEN reconsider starting over with them. But if you keep suppressing the problems or letting things "go" just for the sake of proving that you're "forgiving" you're only prolonging the process for which those problems can be fixed.

9. People are often DEAD SERIOUS when they tell you exactly what they're looking for. Sometimes a person will tweak what they want & tell you only the things you want to hear. BUT the good thing though is that most intentions usually come to the surface eventually. If someone hinted to you in the beginning that commitment wasn't for them, stop looking like a deer in headlights when during the commitment, they don't appear to be so committed! Standards are sexy! They're more sexy than nice abs, nice tits, or a great body. Personality matters more right? Well, our standards/self-worth originate from our brains, not the physical. If someone no longer (or never did) wants the same things you want, accept that & move on to find someone who wants EXACTLY what you want. And if you don't have any faith in yourself that you deserve better, you have no business being with ANYONE until you get your self-worth/self-esteem in order & in check!

I'm going to print that out and keep it somewhere that I can always reach it easily.

word. i can dig it.

i was actually JUST discussing this very topic with a buddy of mine. The following is a perfect example, for me, of knowing when it's time to move on and let go.

I have a couple of friends. They're married to each other. They have been together a total of 12 years with the last 3 in married "bliss". My bf and I were invited over for the husband's birthday a few weeks ago. Everything seemed fine and pretty normal. The wife poured herself and I a glass of wine and she asked me to come outside on the patio with her so she could smoke and talk. I agreed and followed her.

She takes a seat, lights her cigarette, and proceeds to talk about her then upcoming new years eve plans. She expressed her disappointment of what was to come. Her husband wanted to spend the evening with her and the rest of our friends (except she has a separate group that she prefers to hang with and you'll see why as I go on) at my venue where there was to be live music. This is where she begins to divulge deeper issues in their relationship. Them wanting to do totally different things reminded her of what was really going on. She confessed that she had come to the realization back in September that she no longer liked her husband. She still loves him dearly but is not in love. She only JUST realized that they have almost nothing in common. He is a cheap beer drinking, scruffy, plaid wearing, spacey rock musician type and she is a high maintenance, club hopping, shop-a-holic type. She wants someone more her speed. They have even dabbled in a little swinging (her idea of course) to see if it was just some excitement they needed in their marriage. Nope.

She confronted him and told him the truth one night. He got PISSED apparently and refuses to talk about it. (I think it's only natural to react strongly when you learn that your spouse is rejecting you). Then she told me a bit about their past. It turns out their marriage has been built upon a rickety foundation. Years ago, back when they were dating, she cheated on him. She confessed her infidelity and he became so enraged that he ended up choking her out. (WTF?!) She doesn't know that I know that years ago she also tried to stab him with a butcher knife. So, yeah, it's probably been unstable and unhealthy the entire time.

Bottom line: It's time to let go. The whole marriage is a sham. They both need to fix themselves. It's not fair that she has to feel terrified and trapped. She's gotten really depressed and cries to herself when alone. It's not fair that he has to commit to "forever" with someone who doesn't love him and accept him for who he is. When the passion dies down, what keeps the marriage going is probably a strong friendship. How can that happen if she doesn't even like him?

I know when it is time to let go. I've had to let go of people whom I cared for deeply. My love for them may not wane but I do know when situations or people in my life become toxic.

Wow. Well see that's the thing. EVERY relationship will eventually hit a "dry" period where things aren't as fun/spunky anymore. BUT, the keyword was "period" as in temporary. But if 5 years later, things are STILL dry, not fun, depressing & draining, that's a sign that the relationship has run it's course.

Plus, there's nothing wrong with relationships eventually hitting issues or dry periods, IF each person contributes in doing what it takes to get out of that sour period. Simply sitting back & "existing" instead of living won't help. Settling wasn't a word that was only made for single people or those in regular relationships. Any AND everyone can settle, even married folks. And regardless of what level of commitment you're involved in, settling is NEVER good nor is it ever helpful or ok.

Sometimes people are only not compatible for the time being b/c of extra added/stressful circumstances, BUT people have to STILL be committed to applying the tools for which will help them maintain an effective relationship. Problem is, people only like to "work" in the relationship when things are good, but the minute things go sour, they all of the sudden forget what it means to be sacrifice.

And hey, if after you've tried your hardest to make something work and the relationship STILL isn't fulfilling, then it's time to go.

@SweetLibra: I had some of the same questions too. Crazy thing is, maybe there are NO children involved. Maybe that co-dependency is stemming from how she was raised to view relationships. Maybe she was raised to never throw in the towel once you make the ultimate commitment to someone.

I know my grandparents were raised to have the mindset that you keep your relationship issues quiet & that you don't discuss them with anyone. They were raised to keep on pushing in the relationship even if you weren't happy & most of the time it was "for the kids" but see, now things have changed.

Some people struggle with letting go b/c they fear they'll look like quitters or that all their hard work effort to prove that they were loyal, will fail. They're afraid that if they love themselves for once & move on, that it's the same as not being truly committed or dedicated. And believe it or not, 1 of the best quirks about being committed to begin with is in knowing that you're with that 1 person that won't walk out on you just b/c you gain a little weight or change a little. BUT there has to be some kind of line that's drawn b/c not everything is ok.

A relationship worth saving has to be 1 worth having 1st. Problem is, most relationships have a foundation that was built on bullshxt.

So many people are told to "suck it up" or "oh just keep trying harder." People are more afraid of looking like they're not "ride or dies" moreso than they are afraid of actually being alone.

Yes relationships are about having that conditional (notice I didn't say UNconditional) love, loyalty & dedication to the other person, BUT people forget about how important it is to maintain that same UNconditional love, loyalty & dedication to SELF. Relationships don't/shouldn't=It's all about the other person. EACH person should be fulfilled. Hell, I wouldn't even want to be in a relationship if only 1 person was getting all their needs fulfilled or having a good time. F that! BOTH people should be happy, not just 1 while the other person is terrible miserable. I wouldn't even be able to sleep at night if I knew that my partner wasn't happy.

This is so sad..
a Gf at work is marrying a guy who we (the rest of us at work) think is a creep and does not treat her well at all (and she has admitted this in the past) because she doesn't want to end up alone "at least I will have someone."


another lady won't leave her husband who she is pretty sure is having an affair, they aren't having a great sex life (ok - so maybe he IS having the affair!!) but he makes good money (she hates his job) and she has decided to give up work and let him pay for everything, they aren't happy but she won't leave because at least she "has someone" and if she leaves, the media tell us there are no good guys left - "all the good ones are taken" so what will she do for a meal ticket?
Why should she throw in the towel when she is being kept?

I think many people don't have the guts to say "hey it's not working so instead of staying here making each other miserable, let's show some courage, go our separate ways and have a shot at happiness." It's easier/more comfortable to stay and grizzle and have affairs and mess with your kids heads etc.

And what about their "The One's?" (if you believe in The One).... They are wandering the world looking for Their One who is too gutless to leave their sham marriage. For every sham marriage/relationship we have at least 4 unhappy people and more if there are children involved.

Sorry if slightly off topic, but a friend was reading the thread over my shoulder and it got us thinking. (She has just "thrown in the towel" and left a bad situation herself.)

We concur that gutlessness and fear (money and the 'no good guys left' thing) prevent many women from throwing in the towel and leaving a dead end relationship.

hmmm - it's like "sure I am in a shitty relationship and everyone is miserable, but at least I am not alone like some LOSER!!!!"

I think there is a flip side to this though. Sometimes people are too willing to throw in the towel just because they've hit a dry spell.

I friend whom I work with told me back in late Aug/early Sept that she felt something was missing in her life - that excitement one feels in a new relationship (she believes that should last a lifetime) - and she wanted to get divorced (they were high school sweethearts, been married for 15 years and have 2 kids, ages 14 and 12).

She (a Scorp) expressed her discontent with her husband (a Leo) who, although content/comfortable in the relationship himself, wanted to take steps to keep the marriage intact and wanted them to seek counseling. She obliged and they started going to counseling. But, in the mean time, she told me it was a lost cause to go to counseling because she had already made up her mind. I was beside myself. He wanted her to stay, he wanted to improve the relationship, he wanted it to work yet she had already thrown in the towel and wanted to make no attempts at salvaging the relationship. I cried, it broke my heart.

She seems to be diving right in, she started seeing someone early Dec, fell head over heels. But, a few weeks later she was bored of that and is now seeing someone else who she is head over heels over - ah, the excitement of new love (2x now since Dec), just what she's been looking for.

I think she's going to learn rather quickly that the grass isn't always greener!

Bitter rant:
The time to throw in the towel is now before I get sucked into a mess like that again! I'm having fun going out with friends and am planning to move back home in the next year or so. I already have old friends waiting on my return. You can never really know what another person wants or what they're thinking. When you put everything into a relationship and find yourself in a situation like has been described here where the other person already checked out and just didn't tell you... wow.


okay, phew... now that I got that out...

Never give up!

😛

I'm all for people attempting to work things out in the best way possible before actually giving up. I don't believe giving up should be the 1st resort most of the time. Of course certain things are unnacceptable & are grounds for IMMEDIATE termination if they occur or happen, BUT I'm all for people not easily giving up.

BUT, we all know ourselves. We all know what we can handle & what we can't. We all feel that moment when we're just staying just for the sake of staying. We all know when the relationship is no longer worth it b/c this is usually around the time when "the grass is greener" mindset comes into play. I blaim cheaters for not having the balls to walk away 1st before they cheat; but I DON'T blaim them for acknowledging & admitting to themselves that they're no longer happy. They are 2 different things.

BUT, so often than not, most people can admit after a breakup that they stayed way longer than they should have, thus the heartbreak they're STILL trying to get past wouldn't have mounted up so high had they persay got out & ran like hell when they finally got to the moment when they realized that things just weren't going to work out. The mere fact that so many people admit that they stayed for all the WRONG reasons, is a huge indicator that many relationships are still afloat for all the wrong reasons.

Anyone can have a relationship. There's no victory in that unless BOTH people want to be in it. And during the dry periods, BOTH people have to be committed to fixing the problems with the right/effective tools to do so. Without those 2 factors, the relationship is no longer worth it.

This is why I warn single people NOT to be so "wishful" of having that "title" with someone just b/c they see couples out in public showing affection or whatever it is that symbolizes they're in a relationship. People are VERY GOOD at hiding their feelings. Just b/c something is neatly gift wrapped on the outside does NOT mean that the present on the inside is pretty and/or a present worth having or giving.

People are very skilled at giving off the illusion that they are happy even if they're really not. In fact, people spend more energy/time pretending and/or convincing themselves of why they should be in a relationship instead of actually just having fun & being in one.

And if a person's lack of self-esteem, drive, morals, etc is stopping them from being able to appreciate a good thing, then they had no business being in a relationship period

Most of the heartache we've experienced in our lives came from us staying in a situation way longer than we should've. In the moment, we believe staying is a symbol of loyalty. But after it's all said & done, we see the very same thing as being hard-headed & settling.

I especially get upset when I see couples who should've flew the coup a long time ago, having more & more kids. If he's not doing right by you or the kids before the pregnancy, there's a slim chance that he'll all of the sudden find you worthy of respect once the baby is born. Idk about you guys but I want a partner who can respect me BOTH before AND after the dry period, not just during the good times. If you had your 1st kid with someone & if things get so bad that you end up no longer loving your partner in the way they deserve, having MORE kids by them just b/c you're too afraid to leave makes NO sense. In fact, it does more harm than good.

People don't realize the debt, heartache & extra unnecessary pain they willingly put themselves through when they stay. In some cases, you LOSE more by staying than you gain.

And hey, if the ONLY way I can prove that I'm "loyal" to my partner is by being their doormat, that speaks volumes! Personally, I love backbones. I love when someone can tell me I'm wrong, put me in my place & refuse to put up with any bull crap from me. It's called demanding respect. And it's kind of hard to get respect if you're the only 1 in the world who will put up with DISrespect.

I'd rather be called "disloyal" than someone who settles! You gotta be loyal to the RIGHT ones & you'll end up gaining more than you lose. If you're losing more than you're gaining by being "loyal" that's an indication that you're in the WRONG relationship.

I heard that some LEOS purposely stay in bad relationships b/c they feel that break ups (even if for valid reasons) symbolize defeat and/or that they have bad judgement. Hell I don't think ANYONE likes to admit by default that their judgement about someone else was wrong

Fear not Mystic, real simple honest beautuful true love is out there waiting for you.
I think it only becomes complicated when it's not real.
You won't settle for anything less.

Posted by MysticRam
Oh no this makes me fear dating even moreso when I start : /. Is it too idealistic to believe in simplicity, principles, and the like?

Well I think 1 of the biggest misconceptions about love/dating is that it's supposed to be easy & fast with minimal effort. After all, if it's real love, we're supposed to "just know" right?! WRONG.

I don't think finding OR maintaining love is as hard as people make it seem. Half the problem is not in whether or not we find the right or wrong people. I think 99% of the problem comes from who we were at the time we met those right/wrong people. If we met them at the wrong place, or if we wanted them for the wrong/shallow reasons, or if our intentions weren't right from the beginning, or if we were lacking self love/respect, or if we were lacking what it means to truly know what you want & deserve. Alot of people have unfinished business with THEMSELVES, & yet they believe getting with someone else will somehow suppress or do away with that unfinished business.

If you find the RIGHT person at the RIGHT time for all of the RIGHT reasons, I believe relationships wouldn't be seen as more of a burden than a blessing nowadays. Sure, even when we find the right one, we still have work to do b/c relationships are hard work & can be challenging. BUT if you are aware of the most effective tools/resources to get through those dry periods, I think that can separate those who last only a short while from those who last a very lonnnnnnng time.

You shouldn't be afraid to date. Trust your own judgement. Trust your own intuition. Don't even think about dating until you are emotionally/psychologically secure and/or until you know exactly what you want. When we don't know exactly what we want, we'll fall for anything or even allow less to substitute for what we really want. Believe in yourself & in your own ability to weed out the right ones. If you don't, of course dating will seem like a nightmare!

I think this is why some people stay in unhealthy relationships.

They came into the situation assuming that someone else could make up for/give them a reason to suppress any issues they should've taken care of BEFORE they even thought about dating.

And if you have that kind of mindset, you'll falsely convince yourself that you need the other person for something when in reality you never did. That's why I laugh at gold diggers! They've convinced themselves that they can't give themselves all the very things they see others having, when in reality had they just learned what it means to get off your azs & work for what you want, they could have those very same things too! But nope, when a person has tricked their own mind into believing that someone else is the "hero" or supplier of something they truly could've given themselves, it makes them believe that leaving the situation/relationship is the same as losing the hero. Most people can be heroes to themselves. There's really nothing that someone else has or had that you can't get for yourself.

I haven't been on this site in years, but I came back to read the best advice I've ever heard. I've sent a link to this to all of my female friends. We all know someone who needs to hear this. Thanks to all.

Posted by Kali
There was research recently that showed during this economic downturn there were significantly fewer divorces. It was stated that many people who would have gotten divorced 10 years ago, were now staying together, because financially they could not afford to divorce and that they found that it required both partners working in order to maintain a single household, a family. I believe the research showed that women felt financially obligated to remain in the marriage, because they did not feel, even with alimony or child support, that they earned enough to maintain a separate household from their spouse. So it appears that some are remaining in a relationship because it is not fiscally sound in today's economic situation to leave.

I think this goes back to gutlessness and fear.
These people would rather sit back and have their bills paid for them than get off their fannies and work at something. What is wrong with both partners working?
This is not the 1930's and women are not "financially obligated to to remain in the marriage."
Would this make the other partner feel emotionally obligated to go out and have an affair?

Let's see...can we make anyone else miserable with this arrangement....what about the kids? are they better off living with parents who don't love/respect/trust each other but have plenty of money, or in an emotionally secure situation where love abounds and money isn't necessarily everything?
What kind of example are we setting for them? No wonder the world is getting more and more screwed up!

It's time to throw in the towel when you find yourself asking this very question.

Well, all people that aren't serious about being in a relationship and just want a fuckbuddy, stop saying you want to be in a relationship and lying to those interested in committed relationships.

If you can't be with someone DON'T act like you can and fuck up everyone's lives.