Why do people....
Ask for relationship advice from people who are single OR in a relationship/married who have always been in (or still c...
This topic was created in the Relationships forum by krysrenee7 on Wednesday, February 12, 2014 and has 59 replies.
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Krys you give solid advice but my gripe had always been the assumptions and generalisations. Surely you'd understand the who meaning of "one's journey" and if people want to listen to advice whatever the source well isn't that their choice? Nothing is inherently wrong or right if you really want to apply cold logic, what matters is the point of reference.
Suffice to say I found the comparison to wanting to learn how to dance clever but it's entirely different to relationship advice. We all learn differently, it's been established even if one person learns how to dance one way, that same method won't work for another. If in any case it's more the learning part that will decide the outcome after factoring in every possible advice.
I can't disagree with you about the fact the best advice are most likely given by the people who achieved it. You can't deny either that even though it's similar scenarios, there are variables such as completely different people possibly with completely different personalities which almost renders any advice irrelevant if you really think about it.
Though to be perfectly honest, I'm more the "I'll just do what I want" type of person, advice is always nice, logic is nice but my heart makes the decisions. So in some sense I always think the best advice is to follow your heart especially when it's the 'thing' in question.
Suffice to say I found the comparison to wanting to learn how to dance clever but it's entirely different to relationship advice. We all learn differently, it's been established even if one person learns how to dance one way, that same method won't work for another. If in any case it's more the learning part that will decide the outcome after factoring in every possible advice.
I can't disagree with you about the fact the best advice are most likely given by the people who achieved it. You can't deny either that even though it's similar scenarios, there are variables such as completely different people possibly with completely different personalities which almost renders any advice irrelevant if you really think about it.
Though to be perfectly honest, I'm more the "I'll just do what I want" type of person, advice is always nice, logic is nice but my heart makes the decisions. So in some sense I always think the best advice is to follow your heart especially when it's the 'thing' in question.
@Aquasnoz: You bring up some valid points.
I never said people didn't have the right to choose who they wanted advice from.
The whole point of this post was to challenge people to maybe reconsider who they're getting the bulk of their advice from if they consistently have bad results. I wanted people to understand how "influence" & "attitude" can sometimes be directly related to "outcome" & "results."
Listening to advice is 1 thing. We can listen to 1,000 people all day long. But actually choosing whose advice you're going to practice is completely different & should be given careful consideration. How does that NOT make sense?!
And idc what anybody says, listening to the wrong people can really hurt you, especially if you're not even aware that they're the "wrong people" to begin with. The same applies to who you choose to hang with. If your goal is to be a more positive, optimistic individual, are you most likely to accomplish this by hanging with pessimistic individuals or positive individuals? It may be possible with both BUT which crowd is most likely to help you achieve your goal the most?! Clearly the positive friends. It comes down to INFLUENCE. And listening to/taking advice is def. a form of influence.
As the saying goes, "Take some advice with a grain of salt." That doesn't mean close your ears & don't listen at all, but instead choose wisely. And it's just my personal opinion that "wisely" oughta include someone who's already accomplished what you want. May not be the "only" choice, but I do feel it's often the "best" choice. There's a difference
It's about challenging people to not just lean on family & friends just b/c they are "family and friends." Consider the source. See if their own advice works. See if they actually practice what they preach. See if their strategy works or if it's just a bunch of rubbish that sounds good.
1 of the reasons people like venting to certain people who can relate to their specific circumstance is b/c there's comfort in knowing that someone else has BEEN THROUGH IT. All I'm saying is that when seeking advice about a situation, it's also just as logical, comfortable & wise to seek the advice of the people who have GOTTEN THROUGH IT. Isn't that why people love inspirational stories? The people who have faced the same issues as you but yet have made it through can def. inspire & give courage and change to those who are still in the storm but haven't made it out yet...
I never said people didn't have the right to choose who they wanted advice from.
The whole point of this post was to challenge people to maybe reconsider who they're getting the bulk of their advice from if they consistently have bad results. I wanted people to understand how "influence" & "attitude" can sometimes be directly related to "outcome" & "results."
Listening to advice is 1 thing. We can listen to 1,000 people all day long. But actually choosing whose advice you're going to practice is completely different & should be given careful consideration. How does that NOT make sense?!
And idc what anybody says, listening to the wrong people can really hurt you, especially if you're not even aware that they're the "wrong people" to begin with. The same applies to who you choose to hang with. If your goal is to be a more positive, optimistic individual, are you most likely to accomplish this by hanging with pessimistic individuals or positive individuals? It may be possible with both BUT which crowd is most likely to help you achieve your goal the most?! Clearly the positive friends. It comes down to INFLUENCE. And listening to/taking advice is def. a form of influence.
As the saying goes, "Take some advice with a grain of salt." That doesn't mean close your ears & don't listen at all, but instead choose wisely. And it's just my personal opinion that "wisely" oughta include someone who's already accomplished what you want. May not be the "only" choice, but I do feel it's often the "best" choice. There's a difference
It's about challenging people to not just lean on family & friends just b/c they are "family and friends." Consider the source. See if their own advice works. See if they actually practice what they preach. See if their strategy works or if it's just a bunch of rubbish that sounds good.
1 of the reasons people like venting to certain people who can relate to their specific circumstance is b/c there's comfort in knowing that someone else has BEEN THROUGH IT. All I'm saying is that when seeking advice about a situation, it's also just as logical, comfortable & wise to seek the advice of the people who have GOTTEN THROUGH IT. Isn't that why people love inspirational stories? The people who have faced the same issues as you but yet have made it through can def. inspire & give courage and change to those who are still in the storm but haven't made it out yet...
...That is why I brought up different examples of how the same logic I'm speaking of absolutely works in many different kinds of situations.
I just wonder if it ever occurs to people to use the same logic in trying to sort out the recurring issues in their love life.
Influence is a big deal, ESPECIALLY in love & relationships b/c it's the 1 area in life where we are most likely to consult others, & since others likely have a big influence in our decisions and/or ways of thinking about love, it's especially important that we keep in mind the source.
I do get however that relationships or life in general aren't black & white. I get it. But I do feel that it's fair to go along the ride with a few principles. And in my opinion, 1 of them is to be mindful of how the influences around you may impact your own ways of thinking/behavior. Simply keeping that in mind never harmed anyone lol
A big part of reflecting or trying to find the root of any problem is to backtrack & consider all options that may have contributed to the bad outcomes/results you're trying to get away from...---> Influence is 1 of them.
Listening to the wrong people can be just as bad as hanging with the wrong people. Yes, this is general advice. But so is a lot of advice. Hell sometimes the people who may know your specific situation down to a tee may still NOT even give you good advice.
But what you consider "good advice" differs from person to person. For some people "good advice" is someone telling them what they want to hear or believe, even if what they're being told is completely irrational or most likely to backfire. Example: The woman who wants to get revenge on her ex. She's most likely to call the friends that she knows will say "That's right girl, slash his tires!" while staying away from the friends that will most likely talk some sense into her & tell her to grow up. Why? B/c people often forget the difference b/w what they WANT & what they actually NEED.
Other psychologically are inclined to listen to others who tell them to do the opposite of what they're doing. People don't realize that until they're ready to acknowledge & change the toxic cycle, they will most likely welcome the advice from other toxic people & push away the advice of people who actually MAY be able to relate, BUT who have since changed their life style , way of thinking or habits as a whole.
I just wonder if it ever occurs to people to use the same logic in trying to sort out the recurring issues in their love life.
Influence is a big deal, ESPECIALLY in love & relationships b/c it's the 1 area in life where we are most likely to consult others, & since others likely have a big influence in our decisions and/or ways of thinking about love, it's especially important that we keep in mind the source.
I do get however that relationships or life in general aren't black & white. I get it. But I do feel that it's fair to go along the ride with a few principles. And in my opinion, 1 of them is to be mindful of how the influences around you may impact your own ways of thinking/behavior. Simply keeping that in mind never harmed anyone lol
A big part of reflecting or trying to find the root of any problem is to backtrack & consider all options that may have contributed to the bad outcomes/results you're trying to get away from...---> Influence is 1 of them.
Listening to the wrong people can be just as bad as hanging with the wrong people. Yes, this is general advice. But so is a lot of advice. Hell sometimes the people who may know your specific situation down to a tee may still NOT even give you good advice.
But what you consider "good advice" differs from person to person. For some people "good advice" is someone telling them what they want to hear or believe, even if what they're being told is completely irrational or most likely to backfire. Example: The woman who wants to get revenge on her ex. She's most likely to call the friends that she knows will say "That's right girl, slash his tires!" while staying away from the friends that will most likely talk some sense into her & tell her to grow up. Why? B/c people often forget the difference b/w what they WANT & what they actually NEED.
Other psychologically are inclined to listen to others who tell them to do the opposite of what they're doing. People don't realize that until they're ready to acknowledge & change the toxic cycle, they will most likely welcome the advice from other toxic people & push away the advice of people who actually MAY be able to relate, BUT who have since changed their life style , way of thinking or habits as a whole.
...It's not until people look up so many years later that they finally start wondering why their love life went to hell on a skateboard! The 1st thing I encourage people to do "inventory" is on their circle of friends and/or the major influences in their life. And if they are open-minded, not so defensive & finally understand that maybe THEIR attitude & mentality had some responsibility in their results, they start to realize that the difference b/w a good result vs. a bad result was simply in who they choose to allow to be their main influence.
Many people don't realize how Cause & Effect actually work. They don't get that attitude, mentality & influence all tied together have a great deal to do with results/outcome. Until people realize this, they will continue circling through the same ole cycles over & over.
Many people don't realize how Cause & Effect actually work. They don't get that attitude, mentality & influence all tied together have a great deal to do with results/outcome. Until people realize this, they will continue circling through the same ole cycles over & over.
Posted by WaterCup
I find that sometimes the best advice is given by those who do not know how to handle their own business...be it directly or indirectly. Everybody is a source of good advice imo if you watch very carefully. They don't have to tell you what to do, you just watch what they do & if it's working against them, then there's your "advice" right there. Nobody has the authority/rights to give advice because life is unkind to all of us...all we can do is learn from each other. From everybody. Someone at some point might have gone through what you're currently going through & just because they have a history of failure doesn't mean you can't learn a thing or two from their fuck ups.
Btw, I don't ever listen to "perfect" people with "perfect" lives...I like the truly damaged people to learn how to not be that messed up myself....
I don't think I'd ever want anybody's perfect life or relationship because my imperfect world was designed especially for me, to learn the necessary tools that lead to a better ME. Making mistakes is not a bad thing, it's good.
Agree with all of this. Especially the bold parts.
Awesome stuff Krys, I really do admire the fact you can see the perspectives (even if sometimes you have to explain it 
). I was actually having this discussion of whether people actually take advice vs validation vs scapegoating. Scapegoating in the sense that: in some cases people seek validation for their actions or to justify their reactions and wanting a way to rectify it. By either doing or not doing after given the said advice they'd either say "Oh I should've listened" or the alternative "Oh why did no one ever tell me about this".
Though that's probably another topic in itself. In any case I do agree with the essence of your post and just nitpicking on the details.
). I was actually having this discussion of whether people actually take advice vs validation vs scapegoating. Scapegoating in the sense that: in some cases people seek validation for their actions or to justify their reactions and wanting a way to rectify it. By either doing or not doing after given the said advice they'd either say "Oh I should've listened" or the alternative "Oh why did no one ever tell me about this".Though that's probably another topic in itself. In any case I do agree with the essence of your post and just nitpicking on the details.
Posted by krysrenee7
I say what the F I want, HOW I want, WHEN I want, WHERE I want & I dictate how LONG it will be if that is WHAT I want.
Everyone on dxp enjoys that privilege.
Signed Up: Mar 30, 2012
Comments: 1243 · Posts: 16617 · Topics: 170
Comments: 1243 · Posts: 16617 · Topics: 170
Posted by VenusAquariusPosted by Montgomery
Sorry, you probably weren't here when she was on a conspiracy kick and wouldn't even participate in her own thread--
She absolutely cannot handle dissent.
She isn't here to converse or interact; she is here to lecture-- only.
This is an ego-driven masterpiece, and it is all about HER.
She cannot understand why people won't listen to her, when she KNOWS that she is the ONLY ONE who REALLY knows what's going on.
Give it time, and you'll see the true nature-- and keep in mind that even a stopped clock is right twice a day.
EXACTAMUNDO!click to expand
+1
I have no issues with her stuff when giving advice to the usual problems that people come here for.
But the absolute ridiculousness she goes to to prove herself right when someone points out some flaw in her argument is a bit much. If it takes 3-4 posts per reply to clarify, something ain't right. :/
Overall, I didn't really care for the "those who are successful in relationships are the best to give advice" pedestal. Women don't need this looking down upon shit just because one chooses to stay put in a relationship or was fortunate to be able to find someone decent in the clusterfuck of options that exist currently. I mean really, dangling a relationship as if it makes you better in some way, shape, or form? I'm sorry, I thought this was 2014, not 1952.
Let's open up this angle- for someone who gives a crapload of advice that's supposed to benefit women, the attitude and viewpoint in this thread counters most of that. If you're gonna look out for what's best for women's wellbeing, don't turn around and be one of them hoes who thinks she's so much better because she has A MAN. Just proves where her mindset REALLY is in this world- it's far from feminist, that's for sure.
Last I checked, a man doesn't define you or make you superior in any way, shape, or form.
Posted by rockyroadicecream
+1
I have no issues with her stuff when giving advice to the usual problems that people come here for.
But the absolute ridiculousness she goes to to prove herself right when someone points out some flaw in her argument is a bit much. If it takes 3-4 posts per reply to clarify, something ain't right. :/
Overall, I didn't really care for the "those who are successful in relationships are the best to give advice" pedestal. Women don't need this looking down upon shit just because one chooses to stay put in a relationship or was fortunate to be able to find someone decent in the clusterfuck of options that exist currently. I mean really, dangling a relationship as if it makes you better in some way, shape, or form? I'm sorry, I thought this was 2014, not 1952.
Let's open up this angle- for someone who gives a crapload of advice that's supposed to benefit women, the attitude and viewpoint in this thread counters most of that. If you're gonna look out for what's best for women's wellbeing, don't turn around and be one of them hoes who thinks she's so much better because she has A MAN. Just proves where her mindset REALLY is in this world- it's far from feminist, that's for sure.
Last I checked, a man doesn't define you or make you superior in any way, shape, or form.
Amen.
She tried to insult me by equating me to those she is "advising" .
" someone who... probably has the crappy toxic life of the very people I'm discussing "
It shows the outright contempt she has for them-- and I think people sense that.
No one wants to take advice from someone who makes them feel inferior or of "low caliber."
It could have been a good topic for discussion, but she said that "non-psychologists" were not fit to dispute her opinion.
No, really.
Click here, 8th post down.
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