A continuing story
This topic was created in the Scorpio forum by Kriz on Wednesday, January 31, 2007 and has 8 replies.
Hello, I posted quite a bit in the summer and got some great support and advice. Thanks! To sum up, my Libra husband had carried on a long distance relationship with an old girlfriend. He implied things were bad and potentially ending for us eventually. Things were somewhat rocky at the time, but as an introspective scorp i was trying tofigure things out and needed some space and time. Things got stickly when they were actually discussing sneaking around to meet is she could travel to the states or that he could meet her in Europe. (Right, I would never suspect anything! HAA) As the reality of these plans became to stark, he freaked out and ended the relationship. I knew they were in contact and always have given LIbra his space to keep his important friendships alive. I knew she had relalationship issues but he always implied that she was the one in pursuit. I understand that he was the one who created the opening for this fantasy. So anyway, he ended it and did not tell me. I found over a year since that time because his email was open. Well, time went by and we had a ceremony this fall where he burned her letters and emails and in my hopes and dreams I imagined that we could be closer and make an attempt at a fresh start.
Enter trouble: I am a scorp that has difficulty with intimacy and sexuality at times. When we are not connecting well on a daily basis in common everyday ways, I feel rejected. I have not been holding back affection much but I feel slighted as a whole person. We both want sex but, he says he's tired of foreplay that I'm too difficult to please. For the last couple of years I've been having sex w/o much foreplay. It usually works out fine for us but I lack a certain desire. I am always trying to improve our relationship on my end but if he's the scales his balancing act is to say I'm in my head too much and am too sensitive. I want to forgive him for the past and move on but, I feel like he's given up on me. I am attempting to live in the present, he's the one who brings up the past and how we're just going around in circles, revisiting the old issues.
I don't know if there's anything to salvage.
Enter trouble: I am a scorp that has difficulty with intimacy and sexuality at times. When we are not connecting well on a daily basis in common everyday ways, I feel rejected. I have not been holding back affection much but I feel slighted as a whole person. We both want sex but, he says he's tired of foreplay that I'm too difficult to please. For the last couple of years I've been having sex w/o much foreplay. It usually works out fine for us but I lack a certain desire. I am always trying to improve our relationship on my end but if he's the scales his balancing act is to say I'm in my head too much and am too sensitive. I want to forgive him for the past and move on but, I feel like he's given up on me. I am attempting to live in the present, he's the one who brings up the past and how we're just going around in circles, revisiting the old issues.
I don't know if there's anything to salvage.
"When we are not connecting well on a daily basis in common everyday ways, I feel rejected. I have not been holding back affection much but I feel slighted as a whole person."
Hello! Welcome to my life! I have been with my Cap-man for 7 years. And the sex is great. But not often. Because we always seem to be fighting, bickering, disagreeing...blah bla. I love our sex life. But when I'm pissy about something, I dont' feel like rewarding him with sex. Then he is upset and it's just a stupid cycle. It's all in the head and it takes strength on both parts to overcome. Alot of communication and affection. I try to let him know I do love him constantly and that's about all I can do.
Hello! Welcome to my life! I have been with my Cap-man for 7 years. And the sex is great. But not often. Because we always seem to be fighting, bickering, disagreeing...blah bla. I love our sex life. But when I'm pissy about something, I dont' feel like rewarding him with sex. Then he is upset and it's just a stupid cycle. It's all in the head and it takes strength on both parts to overcome. Alot of communication and affection. I try to let him know I do love him constantly and that's about all I can do.
Kriz:
It seems like his "balanced scales" are a bit unbalanced to me. Maybe they got stuck and no longer have their previous fluidity. Personally, I would try giving one of them a really hard "whack" to see if it unsticks them...
Perhaps that is why I do not have a set of scales of my own (balanced or unbalanced). It might be best not to listen to that advice. Anyway, hopefully Nic should chime in with some insightful Libra assistance.
It seems like his "balanced scales" are a bit unbalanced to me. Maybe they got stuck and no longer have their previous fluidity. Personally, I would try giving one of them a really hard "whack" to see if it unsticks them...
Perhaps that is why I do not have a set of scales of my own (balanced or unbalanced). It might be best not to listen to that advice. Anyway, hopefully Nic should chime in with some insightful Libra assistance.
Kriz, this is a perfect post to put on the Libra board. Nic will tear it up as he has had a long relationship with a scorp. I myself am divorced from a 8 year relationship and 6 yer marriage with my Libra ex hubby.
A couple things seem sooo unlike a Libra... No foreplay, who has ever heard for a Libra man not to enjoy foreplay.
I understand being emotionally disconnected I was that way for the last year and a half of my marriage. It was hell and unhealthy. However, sex was never the issue. We actually shagged for a few months after the break up off and on....
Anyway, Libra men have a tendancy of not realizing what they have until it is too late. You guys have to have a heart to heart and find out what is best. We tend to try and try again until we are drained and have nothing left to avoid the feeling of not giving it our all when we finally walk away. Trust I didn't feel comfortable until I knew I gave my marriage all I could before ending it. So I so understand. Sometimes it isn't worth it. The two of you should come to that conclusion though. Copy and paste on the Libra board and I promise you will get a little more insite of what he might be feeling, doing or thinking about doing...
Hope that helps.
Good luck, from one scorp gal to anotha.
A couple things seem sooo unlike a Libra... No foreplay, who has ever heard for a Libra man not to enjoy foreplay.
I understand being emotionally disconnected I was that way for the last year and a half of my marriage. It was hell and unhealthy. However, sex was never the issue. We actually shagged for a few months after the break up off and on....
Anyway, Libra men have a tendancy of not realizing what they have until it is too late. You guys have to have a heart to heart and find out what is best. We tend to try and try again until we are drained and have nothing left to avoid the feeling of not giving it our all when we finally walk away. Trust I didn't feel comfortable until I knew I gave my marriage all I could before ending it. So I so understand. Sometimes it isn't worth it. The two of you should come to that conclusion though. Copy and paste on the Libra board and I promise you will get a little more insite of what he might be feeling, doing or thinking about doing...
Hope that helps.
Good luck, from one scorp gal to anotha.
Emeraldgem, Yeah, well if only I had a crystal ball 20 years ago. We now have house, two teenagers, one about to venture to college. Generally a good life without the spark. There is fun still, working on projects together, mountain biking, sailing but intimacy, spiritual closeness and that loving feeling are lacking...
The thing is he historically sees himself as the victim of my issues. "Yes I might make X-mistake", he says "but you, A, B, C, D-Z" That's an exageration but as much as I try I can never seem to escape the mistakes, mis communications from the past even though none were ever as grave as an affair, as distant as it was. I want to believe communication is the answer, juwanapla.
I think he has real problems with my attempts to communicate, I try to break out of scorpio secretiveness but the words surrounding matters of the heart just do not roll off my tongue. I am clumsy and no matter how well meaning and clear I am he is hurt by most everything I say even when it's not critical of him necessarily. "You are doing violence to everything we have and therefore hurting me" By looking at the truth he thinks I want to destroy things not bring them out into the light. He's exhausted and he feels victimized but it seems like he's taking it too personally. It is "US" afterall not just me or him. ARGH!!!! What's the BFD!? There's got to be a give that WHacK lovingly isn't there?
The thing is he historically sees himself as the victim of my issues. "Yes I might make X-mistake", he says "but you, A, B, C, D-Z" That's an exageration but as much as I try I can never seem to escape the mistakes, mis communications from the past even though none were ever as grave as an affair, as distant as it was. I want to believe communication is the answer, juwanapla.
I think he has real problems with my attempts to communicate, I try to break out of scorpio secretiveness but the words surrounding matters of the heart just do not roll off my tongue. I am clumsy and no matter how well meaning and clear I am he is hurt by most everything I say even when it's not critical of him necessarily. "You are doing violence to everything we have and therefore hurting me" By looking at the truth he thinks I want to destroy things not bring them out into the light. He's exhausted and he feels victimized but it seems like he's taking it too personally. It is "US" afterall not just me or him. ARGH!!!! What's the BFD!? There's got to be a give that WHacK lovingly isn't there?
Thanks Queenscorp,
I eventually did that my last go around here. I will take that route again. Well he says he likes foreplay but says I'm so difficult that he's tired of making the effort. I could be a little more invovled but I have to feel really close and really safe emotionally. I've had some things lately, mono (at 40!) yeast infections, other problematic things. I suposedlly have a pretty large fibroid. Hopefully, a hysterectomy wont be recommended but there are issues surrounding that of course. Pain, full feelings, yuck.
I eventually did that my last go around here. I will take that route again. Well he says he likes foreplay but says I'm so difficult that he's tired of making the effort. I could be a little more invovled but I have to feel really close and really safe emotionally. I've had some things lately, mono (at 40!) yeast infections, other problematic things. I suposedlly have a pretty large fibroid. Hopefully, a hysterectomy wont be recommended but there are issues surrounding that of course. Pain, full feelings, yuck.
"There's got to be a give that WHacK lovingly isn't there?"
How about a smack on the ass with a evil little grin?!? Okay, just kidding. Probably the wrong thread for that...
If you seem to have a problem voicing your issues without hurting him, have you tried writing them down? Writing them down might give you the ability to review them and make them as objective as possible (discounting the necessary subjectivity) and effectively get your desire to find a solution to your (collectively speaking) problems. I find that sometimes gives me a chance to better grasp the point I am trying to make and phrase the concept in the best possible manner. I am a good conversationalist, but at times, when it comes to my emotions, I find that things can get clogged in the pipes and my points come out mutilated and haphazard.
Allow him the chance to do the same, with his issues. Then, trade them and take the appropriate time to ponder and assimilate what each has voiced as concerns privately / separately (allowing the emotions and initial shock to wear away and to review you partner's concerns with a more rational mind). Once each of you has had an equal chance to digest the other's concerns, get together and try to discuss why those issues may exist and attempt to find an effective compromise that allows each to achieve their underlting goals and needs while not squash's the other's individualness.
I don't know... That is the best I can come up with. You need to voice your concerns (as obviously does he seem to, from the description of his actions), and you need to find some solution, or as you already know, the relationship is not going to last. You merely need to find and effective means of doing that, that is acceptable to both you and your partner...
Though, I do still ilke the smacking him on the ass option...
How about a smack on the ass with a evil little grin?!? Okay, just kidding. Probably the wrong thread for that...
If you seem to have a problem voicing your issues without hurting him, have you tried writing them down? Writing them down might give you the ability to review them and make them as objective as possible (discounting the necessary subjectivity) and effectively get your desire to find a solution to your (collectively speaking) problems. I find that sometimes gives me a chance to better grasp the point I am trying to make and phrase the concept in the best possible manner. I am a good conversationalist, but at times, when it comes to my emotions, I find that things can get clogged in the pipes and my points come out mutilated and haphazard.
Allow him the chance to do the same, with his issues. Then, trade them and take the appropriate time to ponder and assimilate what each has voiced as concerns privately / separately (allowing the emotions and initial shock to wear away and to review you partner's concerns with a more rational mind). Once each of you has had an equal chance to digest the other's concerns, get together and try to discuss why those issues may exist and attempt to find an effective compromise that allows each to achieve their underlting goals and needs while not squash's the other's individualness.
I don't know... That is the best I can come up with. You need to voice your concerns (as obviously does he seem to, from the description of his actions), and you need to find some solution, or as you already know, the relationship is not going to last. You merely need to find and effective means of doing that, that is acceptable to both you and your partner...
Though, I do still ilke the smacking him on the ass option...
: ) Yes, I like that idea too! Although he's so uptight about me that he might think I was assaulting him. Evil stinging scorpio. I would have to time it perfectly!
I end up writing A LOT about my feelings. That is my only clear way and opportunity to express them. I will ask if he's willing to read them and perhaps share. Many (many) years ago when I was feeling frustrated he suggested I journal, but because of some academic experience with a certain type of journaling he said he wasn't interested in anything I had written. He is soooo stuborn in his ideas! I am also stubborn. Sigh..........
I end up writing A LOT about my feelings. That is my only clear way and opportunity to express them. I will ask if he's willing to read them and perhaps share. Many (many) years ago when I was feeling frustrated he suggested I journal, but because of some academic experience with a certain type of journaling he said he wasn't interested in anything I had written. He is soooo stuborn in his ideas! I am also stubborn. Sigh..........
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