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Jul 04, 2010Comments: 0 · Posts: 1120 · Topics: 16
You did not reveal THE LIE
nor "his reason" ( which you said is believable and checks out )
People tell their kids there is a Santa Clause
only to let them down later, so ...
only you can decide if his lie and reason are forgivable.
If you checked into "my" background
I would at least hope that you found "the real me"
and not the 20 other Google references of dudes with
my same name who are ...definitely not me.
Do tell.
So familiar, been there, done that, twice! Both times I found out something that I didn't expect her to do. She never admitted anything nor apologized even to this date. She knew what she was doing and probably wouldn't agree to it in principal but she did it for a reason that she probably would never tell. But I do trust that she had no intention to hurt me.
Anyway, she felt accused both times and probably felt more so that I didn't understand her (hence I believe she did things for a reason). And more importantly, she felt that I was digging up and checking on her. Scorpios seem to be extremely private in many aspects and secretive as you have read many times.
I have learned to deal with this. Instead of a major confrontation, I'd simply bring it up calmly, be short and precise then drop it. This way he knows that you are aware of the lie, you are not stupid but then he can retreat and have his space to deal with the emotion. Scorpios go by their feelings. You can argue a feeling logically. Bring it up again and see what he thinks after a while when he's over the emotion.
Would love to hear from others about my approach. I'm still learning.
I think it says a lot in itself if you have to go digging in his past because you can't take what he says at face value. Also, how long have you guys been together, or are you guys just still dating? If it's the latter...he doesn't have to tell you because it's really none of your business. If he choose to lie about it, obviously it's a sensitive subject for him; money to men is a big deal. Just because he lied about it, doesn't make him to be a complete liar....he could have just lied about it because it was something he wasn't ready to share with you. I also noticed that you stated..."everything else he has said about himself has checked out." Exactly how much snooping are you doing and why do you feel the need to do it? It also depends on how you confronted him about it as well...was it in a demeaning way, or even like you were looking down on him....? Personally I feel you shouldn't have confronted him about the situation until more time past...or if you began to see it was effecting how your relationship with him was functioning. If you guys are in a committed relationship and serious, I can see why you would be mad...or even if you lent him money like someone else asked above. However, if not....I can see why he would be pissed and stung you. You pried into something that was none of your damn business, and you basically violated a scorp's privacy...regardless if it's public record or not.
I'm a little stumped by how he exactly lied about it. Did you flat out ask him, "Oh by the way, do you have any legal/financial issues I should know about?" because that's not a question people commonly ask. If you didn't, then him not divulging his financial situation to you and keeping it from you doesn't exactly make him a liar. Since you met this guy online, I completely understand your need to pry into any criminal history or civil litigation history he has, so you can't be faulted there. It's the lying portion I'm confused about. Was he frontin' like he had money or something?
Yes, it sucks that he lied but I'm willing to bet he did it because if it's a big deal to him and could make him look bad to you, he'd rather fudge the truth at first to put his best foot forward. Plus, you two are new and aren't even dating, so he probably didn't really feel any remorse for not being totally honest because the likelihood that you two will actually get together when living 1000 miles apart aren't terribly high. It's not right, but that's how we think sometimes.
When it comes to the apology, you may never really get a real one. I know that before my last relationship, I had probably uttered "I'm sorry" less times than I have fingers on one hand. During the course of my time with an Aries, it seems like I spent 50% of our conversations repeating "I'm sorry", so I've gotten quite good at owning up to my mistakes and apologizing for them, but if someone hasn't really been put through the ringer, or didn't have someone who drilled into them the proper way to apologize and WHY apologies are necessary, even sometimes when you don't feel you've done anything wrong, then his tendency to sting you, grumble, and try to move on when he senses that you're over it and are talking to him normally again will continue. It's a really, really difficult lesson to learn - the whole apology thing, especially when you're normally very defensive and self-centered to the point of seeing no fault in your actions. And to add insult to injury, even when we know we're totally and completely in the wrong, it can be hard to admit to having messed up and to choke out that apology. It's hard either way.
I understand your need to check up on him, and if I were him, I would have done a total snoop-check on you too, so all I can say is that if you really want him to apologize, you need to approach him again, but in a really non-accusatory manner, explain calmly, rationally, and sweetly why you felt the need to check on him, and try to appeal to his reasonable side. After a big blow up, that's what it usually takes for me to come around and soften up.
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Jul 04, 2010Comments: 0 · Posts: 1120 · Topics: 16
and share years with - not take care of you "physically"
and would RESENT being "a kept woman" - so this works for you
...if he wants to give it a try .... SOON... but express
that you are not going to sit around and wait for him to
get over his own opinion of himself due the finances
because you know "he will now ... or he will NEVER meet you."
God damned fucking forum
Thank you Scorpiopics...you really are a wise soul with your insights. Here is an UPDATE:
Last night I emailed him a heartfelt email explaining why I felt the need to verify whether he lied to me, for my self preservation as a woman meeting a guy online, the need to determine if he was a decent men or internet troll. I was very doubtful he would even read the email, seeing how he blocked me from the dating site.I thought for sure he could not recover from his embarassment at being caught and his anger at feeling betrayed. I spent the day practicing letting go of the outcome and hoping for the best.
At 1 am my time, he sends me a text saying "You have mail". I wake up to read a long, lovely email of his taking responsibility for the lie and giving more context at to what was behind it. He was also still feeling hurt that I looked in his public recorded history, but I think he is being somewhat naive as we have only been friends 4 weeks. I think he feels a closer bond to me, and trusted me, and thats why he cannot fathom a friend would do that. Basically he said "Why couldnt you try to trust me first?". Well, I DID...I had found out about the lie 2 weeks ago and asked him about it, which he continued to deny, but I held back on confronting further, hoping he would reveal it himself when we got closer. He didnt, and I just felt I could not move on in any capacity unless I knew. He was kind and loving and this really surprised me, as I fear this scop would just sting and bail. Maybe as he is a mature man, who is going through some challenges now, he is more receptive. I replied with a gentle reply, acknowleding him and said I hope we can forgive each other and be friends. Thats where I will leave it with him now, only friends. He is a great guy, but facing personal challenges and feel he would not be a good partner for me at this time. I am so relieved to know he opened up and responded and we didnt have to leave it as an ugly departure. I do, however, have the underlying feeling he will never trust me again. That is a risk I took, but my personal well being is more important that worrying about a guy who lied to be ever trusting me. He broke the trust, not I. There are consequences for every action we take. If he and I do not build a trusting relationship, I will be sad indeed, however, I just could not wallow in denial nor accept something so unacceptable as being lied to.
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Jul 04, 2010Comments: 0 · Posts: 1120 · Topics: 16
But still ... you never told us what his lie was.
If I did not lie to you, I would be slow to
own-up, acknowledge or take any responsibility
for it ... and certainly the "apology" would
take a looooooong long time.
Best.
The dating site does give the option to select: divorced, widowed, seperated....etc. He selected *divorced*. During our first convo, he told me he was married twice and divorced twice. Very specific. There is no doubt. The tax deal required he sell his home, while still married, and begin paying off the large debt. Apparently, the divorce cannot take place till year 2011 for his tax benefit.(and possibly hers, to relieve her of his liability).
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Jul 04, 2010Comments: 0 · Posts: 1120 · Topics: 16
Sounds to me like he's an accident waiting to happen to you.
Were either of his wives ....LEO?
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Sep 07, 2010Comments: 0 · Posts: 1176 · Topics: 8
These two things don't add up to me...
"I just felt I could not move on in any capacity unless I knew." Ok...I can understand that. So you decide to email him a heartfelt explanation and he replies with a lovely email which gives you more information and explains more of the situation. He was kind and loving which surprised you because you thought he would just bail.
But:
"Thats where I will leave it with him now, only friends. He is a great guy, but facing personal challenges and feel he would not be a good partner for me at this time.... my personal well being is more important that worrying about a guy who lied to be ever trusting me. He broke the trust, not I. There are consequences for every action we take...I just could not wallow in denial nor accept something so unacceptable as being lied to."
I kind of feel like you set him up. I mean I'm putting myself in his shoes. If I got an email from someone explaining something so I could understand them better...and I responded by doing the same, but then I got hit with the 'lets just be friends' business, I'd feel VERY played with. I didn't see the emails so I can't know for sure. I'm just telling you what it felt like to read your posts.
You knew he lied right? Or at the very least you weren't getting the entire story? What could he possibly have said about that to appease you? I'm guessing nothing would have changed how you felt so why did you feel the need to explain yourself or get an explanation out of him? Why didn't you just let it go?
Shadows, the decision to remain friends was mutual, not just me. He acknowledged he needs to work on himself, not just the specific legal/marital issues, but personal character building and healing. Like us all, we make bad decisions repeatedly and cannot seem to know why or how to stop. He wants to heal and identify and learn how to change.
I work a 12 step recovery program, so I certainly know how to self destruct, yet learn a new way to live and grow. I would love nothing more than to date this guy, but when one is broken inside, they dont have much to give to themselves, yet alone give to a dating partner.
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Sep 07, 2010Comments: 0 · Posts: 1176 · Topics: 8
Ahh, I see. So you mentioned just remaining friends in your original email? If so then thats the part I was missing which led to my judgement.
I was in no way saying you should develop a relationship. I felt like you were open to moving forward with him if you could both reach a level of understanding and it sounded like you slammed the door on him when you got it. I just got the wrong impression about your email to him explaining why you looked into his background.
Regarding Retrograde: can non scorpions also suffer the ill effects you all have mentioned (in other threads)? I was first stalked byt this other guy on the date site and yesterday I was verbally attacked by a former friend for wanting to adjust the A/C temp in themeeting room we shared.
It was a vile, angry out control outburst that left me quite shaken. Just wondering if the retorgrade can make even a Leo insane!
He is homeless and attends a support group I run.