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Feb 04, 2013Comments: 1 · Posts: 9186 · Topics: 179
You are capable. By not doing so you are screwing up your relationships with people whether it's a significant other, friends, co-workers etc..
So many threads about holding back affection, not showing your cards (who you really are and how you really feel). Throws people off, turns them off and then they mirror your inactions back to you. What a waste of time and energy. All for what? Fear? Read these...(links will follow)
Why is falling in love scary? Why do people often shut down in the face of intimacy? Because of an intense fear of vulnerability. Dr. Brene Brown, Professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, explains this phenomenon: ???Vacillating between I am here and I love you??_and I'm going to reveal my innermost to you??_and I am scared to death that you??ll reject me.?? Ironically, the vulnerability we try desperately to avoid may be the key to a successful relationship. Research shows that the quality that makes a relationship last is its degree of affection and affection implies vulnerability.
In my previous post, I described the critical health impact of social connections and relationships. Brown, an expert on social connection, conducted thousands of interviews to discover the root of deep social connection. A thorough analysis of the data revealed what it was: vulnerability. Vulnerability here does not mean being weak or submissive. To the contrary, it implies the courage to be yourself. It involves uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.
Although we may try to run from vulnerability, it is an inevitable part of social relationships. Even outside of romance, vulnerability is something we encounter frequently: calling someone who has just lost a child, asking a friend for help, taking responsibility for something that went wrong at work, confronting a family member about their behavior, or sitting by the bedside of a friend with a terminal illness. Opportunities for vulnerability present themselves to us every day, the question is whether we will take them.
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Feb 04, 2013Comments: 1 · Posts: 9186 · Topics: 179
Why do we fear vulnerability? We are afraid that if someone finds out who we really are, they will reject us. While we may try to appear perfect, strong or intelligent in order to connect with others in actual fact pretense often has the opposite effect intended. Research by Paula Niedenthal shows that we resonate too deeply with one another not to perceive inauthenticity. We even register inauthenticity in our bodies. A study by James Gross shows that when we are inauthentic and try to hide our feelings, others respond physiologically (a rise in blood pressure). This physiological response may explain our discomfort around inauthentic or ???fake?? people.
On the other hand, when people stick to the truth (including avoiding little white lies), not only does their well-being increase but their relationships improve, recent research suggests. Another recent study indicates that verbally expressing our feelings exactly as they are may help us overcome emotions faster. When we allow ourselves to be completely open and vulnerable, we benefit, our relationships improve, and we may even become more attractive. "We are actually drawn to people who are real and down-to-earth,?? says Brown. "We love authenticity and we know that life is messy and imperfect.?? Why do we love children so much? Why are we drawn to people who act themselves? Because we feel an intrinsic comfort in the presence of authenticity. Moreover, someone who is real and and vulnerable gives us the space and permission to be the same.
Yes, vulnerability can lead to hurt. Brown explains that women often tell men that they want their partner to be vulnerable and to share their feelings but then recoil in disgust when men do. When women share their feelings, men often feel frustrated or powerless and want to find a fixed and pragmatic solution. Yet is it worth walking through fear and vulnerability to experience social connection? Absolutely. ???Show me a man who can listen to a woman and not try to fix her problem but rather just listen to her and be there for her, show me a woman who can sit with a man who shares this vulnerability and still love him the way he is, and I'll show you a man and woman who are courageous and have done their work," says Brown. "It's about intention ??? ???Can this be the safest place that we have: with each other, you can be afraid with me and I can be afraid with you.?? ??
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Feb 04, 2013Comments: 1 · Posts: 9186 · Topics: 179
more on vulnerability:
It's the most important ingredient of a trusting, intimate relationship.
So what can you do if you are paralyzed by fear or unable to risk being vulnerable with your partner? First, you need to acknowledge it. Fear doesn't go away on its own ??? it tends to morph into something else. Did you ever notice that trying to be perfect and walking on eggshells doesn't work because it drains you of energy?
5 Top Reasons Why Vulnerability Leads to Intimacy:
Vulnerability increases our sense of worthiness and authenticity.
Vulnerability helps us feel close and connected to our partner, yet achieve our own sense of identity.
Being vulnerable helps us ask for what we want and avoid stonewalling (shutting down or distancing ourselves from a partner).
It allows us to build trust in others and to become fully engaged in an intimate relationship.
Being vulnerable allows us to open our heart ??? to give and receive love fully.
According to Dr. Brown disengagement is the most dangerous factor that erodes trust in a relationship. The only way to avoid this is to risk being vulnerable with your partner by asking for help, standing up for yourself, sharing unpopular opinions, and having faith in yourself and your partner. The ultimate risk is allowing yourself to fall in love, which requires letting go of control ??? and of the fear of being hurt or abandoned.
Four Steps To Allowing Yourself To Be Vulnerable With Your Partner
While all relationships present risks, they are risks worth taking. Even if you have been abandoned or cheated on, you can surrender your shield and allow your partner in. Healthy partnerships are within reach if you let go of fear and believe you are worthy of love and all of the gifts it has to offer.
Step One: Visualize yourself in an honest and open relationship and work toward allowing yourself to be more vulnerable and open with your partner.
Step Two: Challenge your beliefs and self-defeating thoughts about accepting nurturing and support from your partner.
Step Three: Remind yourself daily that it's healthy to accept help from others and a sign of strength rather than weakness. Don't let your fear of rejection or past hurt stop you from achieving the love and intimacy you deserve. Practice being vulnerable in small steps and keep a journal or talk to a therapist or close friend about your progress.
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Feb 04, 2013Comments: 1 · Posts: 9186 · Topics: 179
Obviously this doesn't apply to those who treat you like a doormat, or badly. Most Scorps know the difference. However, if things are going well and the other person who has the strength and has no fear is showing his/her vulnerable side, maybe it's a time to relax and give the same in return. By not doing so is shutting the door in their face and they distance themselves. Ironically the EXACT thing you fear! You set yourself up for rejection by holding back.
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Dec 15, 2013Comments: 0 · Posts: 493 · Topics: 51
This is awesome! I've noticed this with scorp venus too.
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Jun 20, 2014Comments: 1 · Posts: 3847 · Topics: 1
I'm Scorp Sun and Venus... This is very true. Takes a lot to be open and vulnerable but you just gotta have the courage to do it.
thank you for the post!! helped alot
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Feb 04, 2013Comments: 1 · Posts: 9186 · Topics: 179
Your welcome...IS & Sarah
Wow. Thank you. Absolutely.
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Apr 11, 2014Comments: 139 · Posts: 687 · Topics: 16
Sorry but I tried to open up and basically got my heart fucked.
I will only open up friendship wise.
Wow, you've got a GREAT post!!! But it's pretty much true about me to the "T". I'm the classic "dark and brooding" type. I don't say much and if she likes me great, but I DO hold back a LOT. It's pretty stupid, but I've got my reasons. I'm not saying I wouldn't respond if she was in to me, but I hold and guard things pretty close to the chest.