anonymousheart
@anonymousheart
12 Years500+ Posts
Comments: 63 · Posts: 714 · Topics: 35
How to deal with my Scorpio roomate
Continued..
I just need advice on how to speak to her today, cause knowing me I will just go off on her, and it will make things very messy. I don't wanna do that with anyone, especially a Scorpio. i don't wanna be a jerk, but she's being very selfish and it's messing up my life.
I just need advice on how to speak to her today, cause knowing me I will just go off on her, and it will make things very messy. I don't wanna do that with anyone, especially a Scorpio. i don't wanna be a jerk, but she's being very selfish and it's messing up my life.
I don't get why she's responsible for your bf's actions.
Posted by Damnata
I don't get why she's responsible for your bf's actions.
I'm not really understanding your angle?
She manipulated him into building the bed saying it wouldn't take long and she would help.
Then she just left and went out. Meanwhile this is time he and I should have spent together...
I think you cannot fault her because he caved in and helped her. If he's too nice for his own good, that's his problem, not hers.
Posted by Damnata
I think you cannot fault her because he caved in and helped her. If he's too nice for his own good, that's his problem, not hers.
Unfortunately it's also MY problem. (As I seem to be the only upset one)
That's why I'm here. For help with MY problem. Which is MY roommate.
I agree with Damnata- there are two issues that you've raised
a. your roomie is driving you nuts
b. your boyfriend is a pushover (in the nicest possible way)
So set some ground rules- call a roomies meeting.
Explain the bills- to be honest she might be a financial stress cadet- you don't know what her trigger points are. If all the bills are out in the open there is no more drama.
Lay it out black and white
- rent $ X per ________ pay into this account
if she is 25 and you are likewise around this age it shouldn't be this dramatic surely...?
a. your roomie is driving you nuts
b. your boyfriend is a pushover (in the nicest possible way)
So set some ground rules- call a roomies meeting.
Explain the bills- to be honest she might be a financial stress cadet- you don't know what her trigger points are. If all the bills are out in the open there is no more drama.
Lay it out black and white
- rent $ X per ________ pay into this account
if she is 25 and you are likewise around this age it shouldn't be this dramatic surely...?
Posted by LilliLou
I agree with Damnata- there are two issues that you've raised
a. your roomie is driving you nuts
b. your boyfriend is a pushover (in the nicest possible way)
So set some ground rules- call a roomies meeting.
Explain the bills- to be honest she might be a financial stress cadet- you don't know what her trigger points are. If all the bills are out in the open there is no more drama.
Lay it out black and white
- rent $ X per ________ pay into this account
if she is 25 and you are likewise around this age it shouldn't be this dramatic surely...?
I'm older and don't take kindly to having to play mommy. I've already laid it out in my head and can hear her giving me the excuse of not having enough money. Boundaries, yes. I guess I will have to calm myself then sit with her and lay boundaries, if she cannot respect these I will have to ask her to leave.
I would think a 25 year old wouldnt be texting me 20x a day aobut every little thing. I'm very independent and I don't like gossip or small talk. hate manipulation- very straight shooter, very focused at work, and she is annoying the piss out of me. Set my blood boiling when I didn't text her back today in 10 min and called my boyfriend and he let me know she reached out to him. That shit is NOT cool.
I agree with Damnata- there are two issues that you've raised
a. your roomie is driving you nuts
b. your boyfriend is a pushover (in the nicest possible way)
So set some ground rules- call a roomies meeting.
Explain the bills- to be honest she might be a financial stress cadet- you don't know what her trigger points are. If all the bills are out in the open there is no more drama.
Lay it out black and white
- rent $ X per ________ pay into this account
- power $ X per ________ pay into this account
Explain that you can't text at work- this should only need to be said once.
Set expectations with cooking and cleaning etc...
If you are the established flatmate, you get to call the shots... And if she is chasing you then maybe she is unsure of your expectations and trying to figure things out.
If she is 25 and you are likewise around this age it shouldn't be this problematic once you set the ground rules...?
The nice bf is another issue...
- he needs to say no to helping and whatnot if he has other obligations
- he needs to tell her that her living arrangement (with you) is nothing to do with him
a. your roomie is driving you nuts
b. your boyfriend is a pushover (in the nicest possible way)
So set some ground rules- call a roomies meeting.
Explain the bills- to be honest she might be a financial stress cadet- you don't know what her trigger points are. If all the bills are out in the open there is no more drama.
Lay it out black and white
- rent $ X per ________ pay into this account
- power $ X per ________ pay into this account
Explain that you can't text at work- this should only need to be said once.
Set expectations with cooking and cleaning etc...
If you are the established flatmate, you get to call the shots... And if she is chasing you then maybe she is unsure of your expectations and trying to figure things out.
If she is 25 and you are likewise around this age it shouldn't be this problematic once you set the ground rules...?
The nice bf is another issue...
- he needs to say no to helping and whatnot if he has other obligations
- he needs to tell her that her living arrangement (with you) is nothing to do with him
And yea, good call, my bf is a pushover. But I'm not his mom, so I don't need to take responsibility for that. However, I can't really help but want to be protective. I love him after all, and I see how he's prone to manipulation. tends to give too much to others...Especially when it's in my home!!!!
Posted by LilliLou
I agree with THANK YOU. The way you are listing this is extremely helpful!
So set some ground rules- call a roomies meeting.
WILL DO TONIGHT
Explain that you can't text at work- this should only need to be said once.
I DID THAT> THEN SHE BOTHERED MY BOYFRIEND
If you are the established flatmate, you get to call the shots... And if she is chasing you then maybe she is unsure of your expectations and trying to figure things out.
SHE KNOWS WHAT THE EXPECTATIONS ARE. SHeS JUST INSECURE AND MANIPULATIVE> SO SHE'S LIKELY TRYING TO CHANGE THINGS AROUND/TAKEOVER. I'VE SEEN HER DO THIS WITH OTHER PEOPLE.
If she is 25 and you are likewise around this age it shouldn't be this problematic once you set the ground rules...?
ONE WOULD THINK! BUT HERE WE ARE>..
The nice bf is another issue...
- he needs to say no to helping and whatnot if he has other obligations
HE WONT DO THIS. HE SAID HE "LIKES HELPING" and IS MR NICE GUY/NO CONFLICT
- he needs to tell her that her living arrangement (with you) is nothing to do with him
SAME ANSWER.
-____-
Besides this, the bf is a great guy, but this is like his one big flaw and it does interrupt the relationship.
She on the other hand I could live completely without. Actually I'd be really pleased to do so...
^^ sorry- it posted before I finished ^^
The rest of my thoughts...
Give her a little time to get settled in.
Every new flatmate/ roommate is different and there are always teething problems! Mine is about to get a reminder that the house won't clean itself! He's had about 6 weeks- so his grace period is over... 😉
The rest of my thoughts...
Give her a little time to get settled in.
Every new flatmate/ roommate is different and there are always teething problems! Mine is about to get a reminder that the house won't clean itself! He's had about 6 weeks- so his grace period is over... 😉
ahhh... to be honest I think that it almost seems that the bf angle is bothering you more- which is understandable- its hard to see good people being taken advantage of!
unfortunately like you say, you are not his mother, and if he refuses to set boundaries with people I can't see what more you can do expect try to accept his decision and not fume too much!!! 😄 might be difficult!
but maybe he just has a longer fuse, and will tell her to back off when he has had enough. Taurus are a bit slower to arrive at a decision, but I'm sure he'll eventually wise up to her manipulative ways!
Good luck A—
unfortunately like you say, you are not his mother, and if he refuses to set boundaries with people I can't see what more you can do expect try to accept his decision and not fume too much!!! 😄 might be difficult!
but maybe he just has a longer fuse, and will tell her to back off when he has had enough. Taurus are a bit slower to arrive at a decision, but I'm sure he'll eventually wise up to her manipulative ways!
Good luck A—
Okay. That's fair. Thank you very much, this is most helpful. Kind of clicks into the logical part of my brain-gets me out of the emotional!
I think it's a good idea to have a remedial period with her of a month, then decide at that point.
I will have a talk with her tonight.
Next time I see him I will also have a chat with him.
I need to let go of these people's feelings/ emotions and stop taking responsibility for others.
It's very hard with him though because obviously our lives are intertwined, and the same goes for a roommate. I mean, it's happening in my space. But I feel that I'm constantly being put into situations BY HIM where I come out as the bad guy just by being real/practical. I can see that is no different in this case....
I think it's a good idea to have a remedial period with her of a month, then decide at that point.
I will have a talk with her tonight.
Next time I see him I will also have a chat with him.
I need to let go of these people's feelings/ emotions and stop taking responsibility for others.
It's very hard with him though because obviously our lives are intertwined, and the same goes for a roommate. I mean, it's happening in my space. But I feel that I'm constantly being put into situations BY HIM where I come out as the bad guy just by being real/practical. I can see that is no different in this case....
From the sounds of it you already knew she's a hard roommate to have. You might need to rethink having her as one if it's going to be more bother than it's worth.
With the boyfriend, I get the feeling that you're feeling she's moving in on your turf. I don't think it's cool that she's texting him when she can't get ahold of you but he IS an adult and this is where you need to let go of that "control" feeling and just trust that no matter how much she texts or manipulates he won't let her get out of hand.
With the boyfriend, I get the feeling that you're feeling she's moving in on your turf. I don't think it's cool that she's texting him when she can't get ahold of you but he IS an adult and this is where you need to let go of that "control" feeling and just trust that no matter how much she texts or manipulates he won't let her get out of hand.
Posted by MoonArtist
From the sounds of it you already knew she's a hard roommate to have. You might need to rethink having her as one if it's going to be more bother than it's worth.
With the boyfriend, I get the feeling that you're feeling she's moving in on your turf. I don't think it's cool that she's texting him when she can't get ahold of you but he IS an adult and this is where you need to let go of that "control" feeling and just trust that no matter how much she texts or manipulates he won't let her get out of hand.
Hmmm. Really strong advice here. Gonna chew the fat on this...
Moon: I do think it's already out of hand when he and I have had 0 time together over the weekend (our only time together) bc he was working on her stuff...alone btw. I helped for 2 hours then I realized it was f'ed up and had to walk out of the room. I'm not her slave.
Then our only time together was at church for 2 min - because he was volunteering there...then our ONLY time was 30 min after that where we are grabbing our first meal of the day at 5pm. And then texts me 5 times, calls, then calls him. And his first instinct is to pick up. And I said don't. We are having dinner, and the waitress is right here, that's rude. So he orders and this girl will call you 5 x in a row. She called back twice and he picked up. Then he passes the phone to me.
She cries wolf all day long.
She is already more trouble than worth it. I mean, really, who is worth this kind of trouble!?
Then our only time together was at church for 2 min - because he was volunteering there...then our ONLY time was 30 min after that where we are grabbing our first meal of the day at 5pm. And then texts me 5 times, calls, then calls him. And his first instinct is to pick up. And I said don't. We are having dinner, and the waitress is right here, that's rude. So he orders and this girl will call you 5 x in a row. She called back twice and he picked up. Then he passes the phone to me.
She cries wolf all day long.
She is already more trouble than worth it. I mean, really, who is worth this kind of trouble!?
She can always move back to her mom's or try another place to rent. One thing is for sure, if she's still texting/calling him if you get her out of your life then you might want to give him an ultimatum to make up his mind.
Here's the thing-
1. She does not need to live with you. This needs to be made clear to all parties involved.
2. Your boyfriend, albeit sweet, is feeding into it. There are many many ways he can stop it. The first one I can think of is to block her number, and pretend her calls/texts just don't come through anymore. If he isn't comfortable with that, then the three of you need to sit down and draw boundaries, and he NEEDS to say what those boundaries are himself. You both need to work as a team on this one.
3. Was there not a lease agreement draft prior to moving in? That should detail everything she needs to pay. If she keeps asking you, I'd politely remind her it's in the lease.
4. This doesn't seem to be a positive situation at all, and you're letting her negativity not only affect you personally, but it's affecting your relationship because I'm willing to bet you've entered into the nagging mode. This needs to stop.
5. Just because someone is of certain age, doesn't really mean anything. I've known 16 year olds who you wouldn't believe were 16, and I've known 34 year olds you wouldn't believe who were 34. There could be so much more at play underneath her surface. She could literally have a chemical imbalance that is causing her to be so irrational (anxiety, separation anxiety, constant worry.) which if it is, that's something outside of your control unless you kick her out.
I'd recommend doing the whole family meeting. Make a list prior of what you need to discuss, and make sure that your boyfriend is on board with the topics that affect him only. This way if the conversation rides off course, you have a way to know what you need to cover, and your boyfriend does not need to be fighting every battle for you.
1. She does not need to live with you. This needs to be made clear to all parties involved.
2. Your boyfriend, albeit sweet, is feeding into it. There are many many ways he can stop it. The first one I can think of is to block her number, and pretend her calls/texts just don't come through anymore. If he isn't comfortable with that, then the three of you need to sit down and draw boundaries, and he NEEDS to say what those boundaries are himself. You both need to work as a team on this one.
3. Was there not a lease agreement draft prior to moving in? That should detail everything she needs to pay. If she keeps asking you, I'd politely remind her it's in the lease.
4. This doesn't seem to be a positive situation at all, and you're letting her negativity not only affect you personally, but it's affecting your relationship because I'm willing to bet you've entered into the nagging mode. This needs to stop.
5. Just because someone is of certain age, doesn't really mean anything. I've known 16 year olds who you wouldn't believe were 16, and I've known 34 year olds you wouldn't believe who were 34. There could be so much more at play underneath her surface. She could literally have a chemical imbalance that is causing her to be so irrational (anxiety, separation anxiety, constant worry.) which if it is, that's something outside of your control unless you kick her out.
I'd recommend doing the whole family meeting. Make a list prior of what you need to discuss, and make sure that your boyfriend is on board with the topics that affect him only. This way if the conversation rides off course, you have a way to know what you need to cover, and your boyfriend does not need to be fighting every battle for you.
I also want to add that once upon a time, I was in a relationship with a man similar to your boyfriend. He was so polite, that everyone walked all over him. I was constantly fighting his battles for equality.
Then one day another girl came along, pulling the same damsel in distress act. After him and I having several long discussions, I was under the impression he had told her to back off.
Come to find out, they were being secretive in their communication, and he had started cheating.
I'm not saying that's what your boyfriend will do, but typically men will only put up with what they can tolerate. If what he is doing is this frustrating to you, and after productive conversations he hasn't changed, I can promise you that it will not change, no amount of breaths you expel will change him, and if anything he is more prone to have himself put into less than savory positions.
Just food for thought... 🙂
Then one day another girl came along, pulling the same damsel in distress act. After him and I having several long discussions, I was under the impression he had told her to back off.
Come to find out, they were being secretive in their communication, and he had started cheating.
I'm not saying that's what your boyfriend will do, but typically men will only put up with what they can tolerate. If what he is doing is this frustrating to you, and after productive conversations he hasn't changed, I can promise you that it will not change, no amount of breaths you expel will change him, and if anything he is more prone to have himself put into less than savory positions.
Just food for thought... 🙂
I think you have to remember that it was YOU that allowed this person into your home. Really good points about nipping it in the bud but you need to take a look at how your bf is behaving in this.
The issue goes beyond this girl. She will get away with what you both let her... and if your bf will put off a work appointment and doing his homework to spend 8 hours building a bed for a girl he barely knows... the issue is between you and him. He know you don't like her calling/textinghim but he's answering her phone calls? wtf is that about? He bet he likes the attention he's getting.
I had an Aries cross lines and pull the damsel in distress with my man. He shut her down and told me right away with no promps from me and he's one of the sweetest Pisces you'll ever meet. But he's also not stupid. I don't buy the "my bfs just so sweet he cant say no", excuse.
Now me personally, wouldn't sit down with all three of them. If you want your bf out of it... keep him out of it. Tell her to back off. Tell him how you feel and watch. If she doesn't listen... and he starts sneaking communication... you'll have your answer.
The issue goes beyond this girl. She will get away with what you both let her... and if your bf will put off a work appointment and doing his homework to spend 8 hours building a bed for a girl he barely knows... the issue is between you and him. He know you don't like her calling/textinghim but he's answering her phone calls? wtf is that about? He bet he likes the attention he's getting.
I had an Aries cross lines and pull the damsel in distress with my man. He shut her down and told me right away with no promps from me and he's one of the sweetest Pisces you'll ever meet. But he's also not stupid. I don't buy the "my bfs just so sweet he cant say no", excuse.
Now me personally, wouldn't sit down with all three of them. If you want your bf out of it... keep him out of it. Tell her to back off. Tell him how you feel and watch. If she doesn't listen... and he starts sneaking communication... you'll have your answer.
I should add that my previous post is going off the fact you've already had issues with him and contact you felt was inappropriate with another female.
true colours and all...
true colours and all...
Anonymousheart,
We understand how you feel. There's only 2 definition of Scorpio. The bad and the good ones.
So I guess I have to define her as Bad Scorpio, All you have to do is set your boundaries.
Tell her exactly how you feel. Let her speak also, you might understood her unintentionally.
Good Scorpio will respect you as a room mate and your boyfriend... you will know it.
A good Scorpio is good in managing their finances.. and I am one of them.
I had a friend too before, She was a Scorpio but she kept asking and borrowing and don't pay.
So if your room mate is that type... then do it in gentle way.
Don't fight with her... remember Scorpio will just respond how you treated them...
and it's twice measure as you get..
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I have a new roomate/old friend/frienemy depending on the time you look into our past.
She just moved in. This was something that HAD to happen because I needed the money, and she needed to get away from her boyfriend. (ex) SUPPOSEDLY. (lots of drama there..don't get me started)
She has barely moved in and has already caused so much drama for me:
Texts about 10 times a day because she's nervous about something/wants to gossip (not something I have time for or like)
If I don't pick up, she calls my boyfriend cause she thinks I'm with him (they do know each other, just friends, but she never used to call him- it's to get to me)
She lost her keys before she moved in.
She conned my boyfriend into moving all her stuff for her by playing damsel in distress- even though she has tons of male friends, and makes more money than I do (but is too "broke" to hire help)
She ALSO conned my boyfriend into building the bed- her loft bed. It took him 8 hours. I figured oh we will all help it won't take long..turns out she got the most complex bed in the universe, and just left the apartment. DIDNT LIFT A FIGURE TO HELP "Oh I'm just not good at that stuff she says."
I felt bad because he missed a work appointment and didn't do his hw. He's kind of a sucker for "help me" situations with anyone. A Taurus and just a super sweet person. I thought it was super messed up she did that. Now she's been staying here one day. This morning before 11am I get 4 texts from her asking why I deleted her on FB (I DELETED MY ENTIRE FB A WEEK AGO..nothing to do with her) And then asking all these questions about bills, drama drama. Then IM AT WORK. So I don't respond. And I call him on my lunch break to get our vacation days straight so I can request when I go back to work. Turns out she texted him about it! SERIOUSLY!!!!!!?
How do I talk to this girl and tell her to a) back off me b) chill out c) leave my boyfriend out of this. I will have no problem kicking her butt out I don't care how long it took to build the bed. Her mom lives down the street. She has a room there too. She is really stressing me out and pissing me off. I don't respond to her manipulation, but my boyfriend gets suckered everytime. Then it creates tension between us, bc I tell him not to baby her/be at her ever beck and call. She needs to stand on her own two feet. She's 25, time to grow UP!!!
I just need advice on how to speak to h