shes more magnetic than the moon

more than anything i wish for her happiness. i know i hurt her. i realize now how much she actually tried. before that she was just my best friend's little sister. i mean we had our connections before it hit off. we would fight and argue like we were married. i just expected a lot form her and gave her shit if i thought she was acting dumb. we grew. her mother saw it and always thought we belonged together(didn't know she thought this way until a year ago). she would always stop talking to me for weeks at a time and i would see her everyday. it would bother me sooo much lol. this was like 4-5 years ago. January of last year(2012) i let my feelings for her known. she did the same. she eventually made me kiss her lol by telling me to do so(april 1st 4am)

as it was going along her mother confronted me. she knew on instinct. she knew i loved her. she embraced it and so did i. i prided myself on the respect i had for and from her family. its all i wanted to live for at that point. i was extremely close to them. more so than my own family even.

eventually she told me all kinds of stuff about herself. as more time went on. she started playing mind games. telling me i shouldn't love her and shit. or she didnt want a relationship. i didnt give into it. she would end up kissing me 1 min after telling me so cuz i would just keep telling her i loved her. anyways these games continued. i began getting frustrated. i would tell her im done. i would get called a baby we would fight and make up. many times. her usually coming back to me. so after time i began to play her own game. i tired testing her faith. i became insecure more or less i didn't want to be dominated i guess. she broke me the fuck down.

i snaped. called her names, was a complete asshole. told her she was gunna get with the guy she really liked and whom she said she would be in a relationship with if she could. this shit killed me. of course just after this happened i apologized. the next day i saw her driving. messeged her we talked she seemed happy. i felt at that point to leave her alone for a while so i didnt talk to her for 2 weeks. this is where i think i really fucked up.

she blew up on me told me we wernt close friends anymore.that i hurt her too much in the past. to move on and let it go. i would message her so much and never get a reply after that(august 2012). i kept to myself for a long time after that until around her birthday(November). spent Thanksgiving with her and shit. tried

spent Thanksgiving with her and shit. tried to keep it casual after that. still never got replys when i tried to talk to her personally. my bday came around(dec 22) of course i wanted to spend it with her and her family. im 2 days older than her brother lol so we celebrate together. anyway she invited the boy over who i got jealous about the one she told me she wanted a relationship with on the day of my birthday. i didnt let it bother me.

shit got really bad after that. i tried messaging her again. woke up to some mean messages from her and her brtoher's girlfriend. i was told i wasnt allowed around anymore. she said to let her be and that there might be a guy shes talking to. i isolated my self for a long time after that. i got kicked out of my house due to parent's wanting a divorcee. shit was just going to hell for me. i sat and waited for an apology, never happened.

this random girl started coming around and i made her my gf. at an atempt to get over the girl i love(for her sake). the next day after 5 months of not seeing or talking to her she shows up where i live. of course my gf was there. made me wonder. we didnt last long so w/e.

nowa days iv been lucky enough to spend 4th of July and a few random days with her. i asked her to come back the next day and she did 🙂. the day after too. the week after i saw her once.

i did send her a message last week saying she should stop by. of course no reply and i didnt get to see her. i guess what im asking is the fact i got with that other girl made things worse between us. i was just trying to be happy. im so fucking scared to try and message her again. for what might happen. or what might not.

shes all i want, shes my definition of beauty. i wouldnt know the meaning if it wasn't for her. does she truly mean those things about moving on and letting go. its been so long i just can help but thinks is the truth. part of me feels she really doesnt want to lose me. shes the only thing i truly feel is worth living the rest of my life for.

i know i said a lot. i just want the best answer i can get. i know where and how i went wrong is that enough for her to come back. or do i just say goodbye? ugh.