The X Factor

My current boyfriend sometimes gets in those phases where he says he doesn't trust me, because I am being "secretive" about my past. He wants to know how many people I've been with and who they were.

I think it absolutely absurd to talk about the past when it has nothing to do with us and I believe no one should ask for that from their partner.

Now the main reason I don't want to tell him anything about it, because the "caliber" of my ex boyfriends is worlds above his (financially very stable, well-respected, with integrity, could provide for me) etc. Knowing about men and their pride I can tell that if I told him any of this he would get completely intimidated and probably slowly but surely get out of this relationship, because he would feel that he could never live up to those standards.

For me however, having dealt with these guys I came to the conclusion that all I really care about at the end of the day is the heart and how I feel with that person. I just want to feel happy and cherished as I can provide for myself and I am working on taking care of myself financially for the rest of my life and not having anybody to depend on.

He keeps pushing it and I'm starting to get impatient.

Any advice?

foot firmly down. if you deem it none of his business, then that should be the end of it. try to convey that he should appreciate that. his obsession seems more like his problem than it is yours. and it's like he's trying to solve his problem by dragging you into them.

i dunno. that's me being a bit defensive.

it's prob more reasonable to try to calm him with extraneous and unspecific details of those relationships, like when, where, why, etc??_ i've talked to my bf plenty about my past relationships without ever having mentioned names or personal information. i've talked enough about why they didn't work. i say what will encourage my bf, and leave out what will intimidate. i feel like this keeps me open enough and not secretive. i'm not going to volunteer certain information, but if he asks??_ i actually wouldn't hide anything either. not sure if that's right or not, but really??_ you shouldn't ask questions you aren't prepared to hear answers for either. that said??_ maybe he is prepared to know about your past?

Posted by CreepyPants
foot firmly down. if you deem it none of his business, then that should be the end of it. try to convey that he should appreciate that. his obsession seems more like his problem than it is yours. and it's like he's trying to solve his problem by dragging you into them.

i dunno. that's me being a bit defensive.

it's prob more reasonable to try to calm him with extraneous and unspecific details of those relationships, like when, where, why, etc??_ i've talked to my bf plenty about my past relationships without ever having mentioned names or personal information. i've talked enough about why they didn't work. i say what will encourage my bf, and leave out what will intimidate. i feel like this keeps me open enough and not secretive. i'm not going to volunteer certain information, but if he asks??_ i actually wouldn't hide anything either. not sure if that's right or not, but really??_ you shouldn't ask questions you aren't prepared to hear answers for either. that said??_ maybe he is prepared to know about your past?

Yeah, you're right I might open up a bit just to really show him that I have nothing to hide but I would also do it in a vague way and talk about what kind of men they were and why they weren't suitable. That will probably make him feel better about himself. You're right it really IS more of his insecurity problem.. I'm just afraid that I let something slip along the lines of them being on a higher level financially and professionally than him and that would make him feel a certain way.

yea if you guys are in it for the long haul, it may come out down the road. build up his confidence in you and the relationship and i think you'll be fine.

my bf has asked questions that he ended up regretting asking after i answered. he knows when to man up to things pretty well though, even if he does need a little bit of ego-stroking afterwards.

so your man might need some ego-stroking too, but personally??_ i find all of that fun and sexy and it really can be 🙂

YES! Lol I am sure he will regret having asked all of this and that's why I don't even wanna go there!

I will try and take it on the lighter shoulder too, but Lord knows Im running out of patience! 🙂 Thank you, creepy!

Yes, men's pride are fragile but it doesn't need to be handled with kid gloves. I've told my Cancer about my past when he asked and yes I'm sure it has made him a bit insecure but he has yet to jump ship.

Your past is a part of who you are and if he's not secure enough to handle it means he can't and won't accept you for completely who you are. In that case you need not be with him. But I'm sure he can handle it.

But your right, your past is really none of his business.

And if he can't seem to move on past the trust issues then you shouldn't be in the relationship.

It really comes down to battles you choose to win and lose because honey you can't win them all. So, you have to be realistic if you see a future with him how long will your relationship last if you are not completely open and honest with him... Including about your past? I mean can you really imagine being married to this guy and him still being ok with him not knowing about your past? If you want a future with him you will eventually have to him.

But you tell him when YOU are ready not because he forced you and not because you are guilt-tripped into it. So ask yourself what you really want from this relationship and if you want something long term when will you be telling him about your past. Don't be worried about his feelings, he asked to know about ypur past, from the moment you tell him he will be responsible for his own emotions and feelings.

I think this goes back to you opening up and allowing yourself to be vulnerable.

I wish you luck girl 🙂.

Posted by xtina
Yes, men's pride are fragile but it doesn't need to be handled with kid gloves. I've told my Cancer about my past when he asked and yes I'm sure it has made him a bit insecure but he has yet to jump ship.

Your past is a part of who you are and if he's not secure enough to handle it means he can't and won't accept you for completely who you are. In that case you need not be with him. But I'm sure he can handle it.

But your right, your past is really none of his business.

And if he can't seem to move on past the trust issues then you shouldn't be in the relationship.

It really comes down to battles you choose to win and lose because honey you can't win them all. So, you have to be realistic if you see a future with him how long will your relationship last if you are not completely open and honest with him... Including about your past? I mean can you really imagine being married to this guy and him still being ok with him not knowing about your past? If you want a future with him you will eventually have to him.

But you tell him when YOU are ready not because he forced you and not because you are guilt-tripped into it. So ask yourself what you really want from this relationship and if you want something long term when will you be telling him about your past. Don't be worried about his feelings, he asked to know about ypur past, from the moment you tell him he will be responsible for his own emotions and feelings.

I think this goes back to you opening up and allowing yourself to be vulnerable.

I wish you luck girl 🙂.

Very true and in a nut shell I share the same opinion, I'm just afraid that he might take it well at first but overtime the paranoia will catch up to him.. We shall see though, I guess he (partly) will be getting what he wants. It's kind of against my will still, but I will try and find a middle ground to make him stop thinking I'm secretive but still keeping my discretion.

Posted by blisss
I say tell him but leave out the details about the men, specifically the ones that may bother him.

The problem is, you never know upfront what may bother them. Men can have weird ways of what's important to them and what not. 😕