Cheating/Inappropriate Behavior in a Relantionship

This topic was created in the Virgo forum by yad035 on Sunday, April 21, 2013 and has 32 replies.
Every relationship has its own set of rules. That is where so much conflict comes from, deciding the rules...
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http://www.dxpnet.com/opinion/virgo/Walking-out-on-dates-3890336.asp
Read the above thread several times, ask questions if need be to find out why this Virgo walked out on the date. There is an important message here that pertains to you.
Make sure you are damn sure you actually get it .... then apply the principal to your own life.

Happiness for you will follow.
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Posted by yad035
Hi. I am curious what constitutes cheating or an inappropriate behavior when in a relationship. I believe if you are texting/talking to another person of the opposite sex while you are supposed to be in a committed relationship, that is inappropriate and unacceptable. Coming from my b/f that does this, he says, "It's all harmless unless you act on it." I say if it is so harmless, why can't he do it where I can see the messages....not set his phone down when I approach him too close where I can see it?



next time he is on the phone, grab yours and pretend to be texting, don't even look up at him. maybe sit right next to him and type away on your phone ignoring him completely. that might drive him crazy wanting to know who you are talking to. you can give him the same answer, just harmless talking with someone. every time he is on phone, take out yours and start typing.
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Imho, it comes down to what is actually being texted between two people and the strength of your relationship.
I have been happily married for close to 15 years. My husband and I have a very strong, committed relationship. And because of this, we trust each other completely.
Our boys play on several teams, and I often text two of their coaches (men) who are also friends. We talk about a lot of things, even joke about our relationships with
our spouses etc. But there is NEVER any implied interest/attraction between us. We know where we stand; all of us are into sports and we communicate without any
second thoughts.
Now RE: your situation. BF/GF scenarios are a bit tougher. You two are dating, but not committed to each other as two people are in marriage.
If someone's BF or GF is texting someone from the opposite sex about daily events etc. and not going into "flirting" mode, then generally it is what it is: simple communication.
Women love to talk; it's our way of sharing our emotional connection. However, I know a lot of men who text way more than I do or some of my best friends who are women.
I think men embrace the fact that they can share their thoughts etc., without having to do it in person. It gives them a freedom they haven't had prior.
If your BF is texting inappropriate messages, then imho, he is emotionally cheating to a point. Like I said, it depends on how strong your relationship is and the context of what
he's texting. Jealousy/Uncertainty can ruin a relationship over time. And meanwhile, you are left with feelings of hurt and betrayal. What you need to do at this point is lay down
the law. Tell him you want to know if he is emotionally committed to you or if he isn't? And if he says, "Yes"...then he should have no problem showing you his texts
to other girls etc. If he still refuses after telling you he's committed to you, then he's lying. You can't tell someone you are committed to them, but then continue
to hide something like this from them. In my world, that's called deceit. And once that trust is broken, you rarely ever trust again.
Bottom line: if his actions/comments are upsetting to you that you question your relationship with him, then YOU have to be the one to take the bull by the horns and
decide what's in your best interest. In the end, it's YOUR life. If you chose to continue your relationship with him not being able to trust him, then honestly, it's no longer
on him; it's
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harmless or not, i think it is disrespectful to the person you are with to be on phone while with them.
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give him a dose of his own medicine.
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Posted by yad035
His motto is, "Talk to anyone. As long as it does not lead anywhere, it is fine"



That's BS and he knows it. Who are these girls? Are they friends? People that he's emotionally connected with? People he would secretly like to hook up with? Cheating comes in many forms and not necessarily just the physical act. I'm not saying he is cheating but I'm presenting the two possible extreme scenarios...and of course there's everything in between. Maybe he enjoys their friendship, in which case, he should be able to have an adult conversation with you about it and come to a compromise about where the boundaries should lie. Maybe he wants more than friendship, in which case, he is not ready to be in a committed monogamous relationship, with anyone.
A relationship involves two people. If he thinks what he is doing is fine but you don't then there's a problem, whether he sees it or not. You thoughts/feelings are just as important as his. Don't let him impose martial law on your relationship. He needs to be willing to come to a compromise and behave in a way that you're both comfortable with.
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plus, i think it also depends on if you are comfortable with him talking with other females on personal phone. i know couples where they are both social and ok with their partners mingling/talking/hanging out with members of the opposite sex. i think the key here is that the partner is aware of or always kept in loop of the rendezvous with other people. e.g. office parties/lunches/happy hours. i know friends who talk with other guy friends in front of their spouses, but again they are talking in front of them because there is nothing to hide, and i am sure the spouse respects this friendship that they share with the other person because it is no secret. i personally don't know how i would respond to such situations, a suspicious/over analyzing virgo that i am Tongue
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Posted by carbon_scorp
Posted by yad035
His motto is, "Talk to anyone. As long as it does not lead anywhere, it is fine"



That's BS and he knows it.
Maybe he wants more than friendship, in which case, he is not ready to be in a committed monogamous relationship, with anyone.
If he thinks what he is doing is fine but you don't then there's a problem, whether he sees it or not. You thoughts/feelings are just as important as his. Don't let him impose martial law on your relationship. He needs to be willing to come to a compromise and behave in a way that you're both comfortable with.

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The problem with that ^^^^^^^^^^^ is that you are blaming him for it all, in what he should or needs to do ... when he isn't the issue here.
Whether he knows it to be bullshit or not is irrelevant .... by you giving him credit in saying what he should be doing is taking away from her dignity, just as much as she takes it away from herself.
You are basically joining with her in bitching about him, as if her happiness is dependent upon him and how aweful he is for bestowing this upon her.

when in reality .... the only thing that matters here and should be addressed is the fact that she doesn't know it to be bullshit. she is here presenting herself as if she is a victim, and she's not.
For you to say that her thoughts/feelings are as important as his is virtually saying his feelings in this matter are valid, and why the fuck ain't she measuring up to him?

Seriously ..... wtf is the matter with people?
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Then there's memyself counseling on playing head games for attention, rather than doing the only mature thing a person of values would do = step away

wtf?
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P-Angel ------> Read it. Lesson is he is not worth my time.
Memyself. I have given him several does of his own medicine. I do not EVER keep my phone on silent or vibrate. There have been times when I have gotten a text and he asked if that was my daughter that texted me. I simply said, "no" and did not say anything more about who it was. (it was my daughter). Just last night we were driving home from an event that we attended. It was dark and a female friend of mine texted me. I looked at the text and it was a picture of some cute guy. My friend did not say who it was. I texted back asking her who it was. At this time, the b/f, who was driving, said, "Oh, you have guys sending you pictures of themselves now?" ****proof he was looking at my phone as I was viewing it*****. I said I did not know who it was and told him it was from a friend of mine and when this friend texted me back and told me who it was, I told him who it was. He then said, "I am not a jealous person at all." I would have thought differently about not being jealous as to the way he said, "Oh are guys sending...." I decided at that time to bring up (in a backwards kind of way) about what he does. I told him if guys can text me pictures and we text, then maybe we should be in an "open relationship." And then I asked what constitutes cheating to him. He replied by saying he was only joking about what he said....that we would talk about it later and that what he said about the picture, he did not mean it in a bad kind of way. (The conversation abruptly ended there. Oh and yeah, the picture was of a younger nice looking person. He went on to add, "If a guy that is younger and good looking texts you, then it would boost my ego to know that someone wants my woman." WHAT???? lol.
Gemini/Carbon_scorp: I really do not believe the conversations are harmless. My intuition tells me so, (the fact that it goes on all through the day and he has his phone set to vibrate), but I have been burnt pretty bad in the past so I think I have trust issues to begin with. Plus, I am a virgo and I analyze EVERYTHING.
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Posted by yad035
P-Angel ------> Read it. Lesson is he is not worth my time.




Here is the perfect example of what I keep saying about people being ignorant.
You are here giving him your time, and you are so oblivious to yourself, that you have no clue that you are making him worth your time by the existence of this very thread.

::: shakes head :::

It saddens me how stupid people are
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P-Angel....... if I remember correctly, you are Pisces? Oh how I wish I was a Pisces.... I do not have any Pisces anywhere in my chart. If I did, I would have swam away a long time ago from him. lol
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Posted by yad035
P-Angel....... if I remember correctly, you are Pisces? Oh how I wish I was a Pisces.... I do not have any Pisces anywhere in my chart. If I did, I would have swam away a long time ago from him. lol




So, now you are playing the role of a defeatist ... it's looks like you are enjoying being the victim and somehow you've twisted Pisces people by insinuating that it's a bad thing if a Fish swims away from what is wrong for them ... and you seem to have no clue how backwards that is
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Yes, I know what has to be done. Instead of analyzing the past to the present over and over, I am just going to forget that Virgo in me right now and end the relationship. It may be a shady way of doing it, but I am going to end it in a text message. DANG IT, I am analyzing now what I said before hitting the send button. LOL.......
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P-Angel, no, no, no. I have always valued your input. I only meant if I had Pisces in me somewhere, this would not have drug out as long as it did. Sorry, P-Angel to have made you think any diff. Sad
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i get that the OP shouldn't be putting up with his behavior if it bothers her. but sometimes when someone is doing something wrong, you don't want to stick with them, but let them know where you are coming from. the giving him a dose of his own medicine was to let him feel what the OP felt. sometimes when someone ignores you you have no choice but to ignore them to save yourself from humiliation. yes, you can just disappear from their life, without making them realize, but atleast you get the self satisfaction of showing them what bothered you and then move on.
i get what Tiziani is saying too, she should walk out if his behavior is not what she wants to deal with. that is true that you cannot change anyone, you have to decide for yourself what you want to put up with. but it is easier to walk out at the start when there is no attachment formed. later on, you try to make your partner understand if something bothers you, and when you are a couple you have to make adjustments to make your partner feel comfortable and secure. we cannot say i will have my way 100% in a relationship. adjustment is trying to not do something that makes your partner uncomfortable, esp. when it's something about how you deal with the opposite sex. but true, again if you don't agree on that, you are better off without each other.
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Posted by P-Angel
The problem with that ^^^^^^^^^^^ is that you are blaming him for it all, in what he should or needs to do ... when he isn't the issue here.
Whether he knows it to be bullshit or not is irrelevant .... by you giving him credit in saying what he should be doing is taking away from her dignity, just as much as she takes it away from herself.
You are basically joining with her in bitching about him, as if her happiness is dependent upon him and how aweful he is for bestowing this upon her.

when in reality .... the only thing that matters here and should be addressed is the fact that she doesn't know it to be bullshit. she is here presenting herself as if she is a victim, and she's not.
For you to say that her thoughts/feelings are as important as his is virtually saying his feelings in this matter are valid, and why the fuck ain't she measuring up to him?

Seriously ..... wtf is the matter with people?



Don't interpret words that don't exist or worse, misinterpret word that do exist. I'm not blaming him or her. It's not about blame, but rather deciding whether an incompatibility can be fixed. The point of my post was to analyze the situation as I saw it and offer advice on what needs to be done for a relationship work. I think it goes without saying that if the OP isn't happy, then she should leave the relationship. That part is not rocket science. If she wanted to make that choice, she would have already done that and would not be here on DXP asking for advice/opinions. But maybe I should have pointed out the obvious choice.
And yes, his feelings are just as valid as hers. His feelings may be shitty, but they're valid. But that's not even the point of the matter. The point is that if their feelings cannot see eye to eye, if they cannot see eye to eye, then there can be no relationship - again, an obvious conclusion that I didn't think was necessary to state explicitly.
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When in reality, you don't talk about her at all, as you claim to have done in that ^^^^ post.
You talk about him, and what he does or does not do ... as if the person who made this thread didn't have a slanted perspective in her favor due to hurt feelings.
Posted by carbon_scorp
That's BS and he knows it. Who are these girls? Are they friends? People that he's emotionally connected with? People he would secretly like to hook up with? Cheating comes in many forms and not necessarily just the physical act. I'm not saying he is cheating but I'm presenting the two possible extreme scenarios...and of course there's everything in between. Maybe he enjoys their friendship, in which case, he should be able to have an adult conversation with you about it and come to a compromise about where the boundaries should lie. Maybe he wants more than friendship, in which case, he is not ready to be in a committed monogamous relationship, with anyone.
A relationship involves two people. If he thinks what he is doing is fine but you don't then there's a problem, whether he sees it or not. You thoughts/feelings are just as important as his. Don't let him impose martial law on your relationship. He needs to be willing to come to a compromise and behave in a way that you're both comfortable with.




You weren't analyzing the situation .. you were taking sides to make her feel better. You were telling her what he needs to do to make her feel better = so in reality, you were enabling her to be dependent upon him
be real
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Posted by TheMoodyVulcan
I'm not sure that you really came looking for honest answers so much as a comfirmation that your suspicion and distrust is acceptable rather than your own fault.





And "bingo" was his namo
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Posted by P-Angel
When in reality, you don't talk about her at all, as you claim to have done in that ^^^^ post.
You talk about him, and what he does or does not do ... as if the person who made this thread didn't have a slanted perspective in her favor due to hurt feelings.
You weren't analyzing the situation .. you were taking sides to make her feel better. You were telling her what he needs to do to make her feel better = so in reality, you were enabling her to be dependent upon him
be real



Again, don't interpret words that don't exist, or worse, misinterpret words that do exist. I didn't claim to talk about her. What I did do is talk about the situation and about what they both need to do for the relationship to work. It's really not that hard to understand, is it?
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Posted by carbon_scorp
What I did do is talk about the situation and about what they both need to do for the relationship to work. It's really not that hard to understand, is it?




No, you talked about him and what he needs to do.
And obviously, it is very hard for you to understanding, since you have no understanding that you talked about him, and have yourself believing otherwise.
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Posted by carbon_scorp
Who are these girls? Are they friends? People that he's emotionally connected with? People he would secretly like to hook up with? Cheating comes in many forms and not necessarily just the physical act. I'm not saying he is cheating but I'm presenting the two possible extreme scenarios...and of course there's everything in between. Maybe he enjoys their friendship, in which case, he should be able to have an adult conversation with you about it and come to a compromise about where the boundaries should lie. Maybe he wants more than friendship, in which case, he is not ready to be in a committed monogamous relationship, with anyone.
He needs to be willing to come to a compromise and behave in a way that you're both comfortable with.




Obviously you have a hard time understanding what you say because that ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ is talking about him and what HE needs to do, and says nothing about her accountibility.
No matter how much you deny it .... you weren't talking about a remedy for the relationship, you were talking about HIM.
Is it really that hard for you to understand the words that come out of your own mouth?
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Posted by P-Angel

Obviously you have a hard time understanding what you say because that ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ is talking about him and what HE needs to do, and says nothing about her accountibility.
No matter how much you deny it .... you weren't talking about a remedy for the relationship, you were talking about HIM.
Is it really that hard for you to understand the words that come out of your own mouth?



Actually, there were no words that came out of my mouth, but that's besides the point.
You're talking in circles and I've already explained my thought process, so if you still don't understand it, then you can either re-read my posts or leave it alone. There is no need for me to re-explain.
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Posted by P-Angel

Obviously you have a hard time understanding what you say because that ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ is talking about him and what HE needs to do, and says nothing about her accountibility.
No matter how much you deny it .... you weren't talking about a remedy for the relationship, you were talking about HIM.
Is it really that hard for you to understand the words that come out of your own mouth?



Actually, there were no words that came out of my mouth, but that's besides the point.
You're talking in circles and I've already explained my thought process, so if you still don't understand it, then you can either re-read my posts or leave it alone. There is no need for me to re-explain.
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Ok I haven't read all of the posts but I'll give you my 2 cents based on my experience. You have to accept that this will not change. He wants tou or ehomever is with him to accept this. He is probably private about his phone as mine is. He chats to other women. Mine might be different because he has a past of cheating. Again that is something any woman in his life has to accept. That's it. Or find a way to get to his phone.
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Ok color me confused here or maybe I'm just not understanding what people are trying to tell the OP to do. It sounds like people are saying boom you have a problem with his behavior so instead of blaming him you should just leave. It seems like folks are more concerned about who's to blame or who's "wrong" than how to address the actual issue. Am I missing something? It appears that the OP has all this conjecture about what and who her SO is texting but she really hasn't followed through on an honest discussion with the guy about what he's doing and how it makes her feel.
I can understand her in the beginning not making a big deal out of the texting because at the time she was not emotionally attached to the guy and so she did not care much about who he was texting, naturally when emotions get involved perception changes. To say "leave him" is a bit too black and white for my taste and it seems to be a common form of advice here on DXP. I'd say (and this is just my humble opinion) 1st have a conversation with yourself. Figure out what you can and cannot accept in a relationship and act accordingly. Once you've established your "hard limits" (thank you Christian Grey) then you might consider having a conversation with your SO about it and how it makes you feel. Right or wrong both of your feelings matter and if they do not align THEN it's time to exercise you option to leave the situation.
To me without knowing what he's texting these women you're projecting your own insecurities onto him by assuming that just because he's texting women he must be emotionally cheating. He may just be a guy who has close women friends that text him throughout the day. For me I would only date a guy that was open about his relationships with the opposite sex; meaning that he doesn't hide his female friends from me because they are exactly that "friends".
There can be a middle ground of compromise for the 2 of you if you both feel its an issue worth compromising for. It doesn't have to be as blk/wht as he's not behaving the way I want so I'm leaving all the time. If that were the case I doubt that P-Angel could boast about being married (to a Virgo no less) for 20 or however many years they've been married. I'm sure there have been many issues that have come up in their relationship that required mutual compromise in order to make it work. Good luck!
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Thank you to EVERYONE for their thoughts. (much appreciated). Guess I just need to vent some more. (this seems to help). No, I did not text him ending it. Finding it difficult to come to any conclusion on what exactly is going on because I am not 100% sure what exactly he is doing. My intuition is telling me I am being "duped" when I look at the history of all this and compare it over the time we have been together. (Feel like I need proof to validate what I am feeling. Examples: 1. Like I said prior, he texts a lot during the day and night. I can 100% say that when he is alone he does not have his phone on vibrate or silent. (I have arrived at his house and almost immediately he gets a text and it is NOT on silent, but it goes on vibrate or silent immediately after that for the remainder that we are together). 2. Recently he went to the ER due to chest pain. He called and told me and I went there to be with him. He was admitted for 24-hour observation. Yes, he was texting like he always does, but I did not say anything. I stayed the night with him at the hospital and when we went to go to sleep, he turned his phone off. Not even 10 minutes after he turned his phone off, the hospital room phone rings. He answered it and the only thing he said (he said it twice) was, "I am sleeping, I'll call you tomorrow." Being close enough I heard a woman's voice say, "ok." He then proceeds to tell me it was his sister in law. He told me earlier that his sister in law was texting him and she said to tell me hello. If he already talked to his sister in law why is she then calling the hospital room phone? Or even more, why did he have to say what he said above (twice) and then hang up.... if it was his sister in law, I would think he would have talked to her. 3. The man can hardly sleep 3 hours in a row when we are together sleeping at night. He wakes up and goes to the bathroom or tosses and turns. When we are not together his texts end abruptly or sometimes I do not hear from him at all.....then he says he was taking a nap or fell asleep. (cannot help but feel this is what goes on when he is with me... he tells this other girl he was sleeping or took a nap because sometimes he just cannot text right away when I am so close. 3. One day we were texting and he said he wished he could be with me that night and wished there was a way. (we live 45 minutes apart). I decided instead of ying I would come there for the night, I said I wish there was too. (cont below)
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Couple of hours later I texted and said I can come there to his place for the night. He sends back text that says, "You have to work in the morning. I don't want you to have to drive back early in the morning". (wow, he had no problem with that before). I said it was okay and he comes back with he has to help someone work on something and he did not know what time he would be back. I said, "it's ok, leave door unlocked." Long story short, he called me an hour later and said the friend he was gonna help canceled and he is not going there. So I went and stayed. (Sounds really fishy to me). On the flipside, (a couple positives I guess is thissmile Once I texted him and there was a long delay in getting back to me. When he did finally get back with me I decided to not respond back right away. I was going to respond later. After MULTIPLE calls and texts from him to which I did not respond back, he arrives at my door saying he thought something was wrong. Kudos to him..... I can say other examples but will forego. Seems like if he is playing 2 women or 3 women, he is VERY good at what he does. Half of me wants to just end it now but my other half is saying I want to know for sure what is going on......
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Posted by yad035
P-Angel ------> Read it. Lesson is he is not worth my time.





I have read all of it, and it all comes out meaning the same thing .... you make a dickhead worth more than yourself.

::: shakes head :::

and it flies right over your head ~ you're oblivious to how much you grovel at your own feet, wishing like hell someone would make you stand up and be someone other than this .... but, nobody does make you do that, people other people are standing there with thier mouth gaping open, wondering what the fuck is the matter with you
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Sounds like he's got some girl on the side.
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