Found out I have a 9 year old daughter

Posted by OvS
To me looked like she's trying to get back with you.

Posted by Sneaky
I'm not a Virgo, but a cancer just like yourself.
I can read it in your lines, you're already romanticising the idea of a family together or something. Stop it. You still need to deal with this objectively and rationally for a little while.
I would say that you have two objectives for the time being:
1. Establish with the Virgo that the safety, security, well being and future of your child is a common interest. She's been taking care of that child for 9 years, she just doesn't see you as her kids father yet. That doesn't mean you should boss her around or tell her your opinion about how the kid should be raised, she already has an excellent idea of how to do that. You should be supportive and understanding though. You're not going anywhere until she respects you as a parent first.
2. You still need to check if the kid is yours. Don't co-sign a birth certificate or anything within those lines. If you don't know what's going, seek legal counsel. You can end up paying child support for a kid who's not even yours.
Just stop empathising/sympathising for a minute.. think of it.. be the nice person that you are.. supportive.. give the Virgo as much room as she wants.. while still being supportive.. just think as the situation progresses.
I'm not sure if you met the kid or not, but you should avoid it till you think it out. It sounds like you're already emotionally attached. That sounds unhealthy and dangerous at this time.

Posted by rockyroadicecream
Seriously, you're wondering about all this when you don't even have solid proof yet?
I'd start worrying AFTER it's come to light what the truth is.
Glad you're getting the test done, but based on your initial post, you seemed to believe all this way too readily and that's kinda scary.

Posted by rockyroadicecream
Btw, I find it odd that she lied about a DNA test and only came to you way down the road because she "looks" like you. Note, she did say that she liked nothing but assholes but you were the best she had. NOW she comes to you? She blew through her 20s without getting in touch with you and now she decides is the time to tell you?
Hopefully it's all straightforward and up front, but I just find how she handled the entire thing kinda weird.

Posted by Ripley
It is shocking and repugnant to advise someone to be dishonest and to hide from his responsibilities.

Posted by Ripley
Is avoiding or cancelling a DNA test taking responsibility?
Is hiding money honest?
LIB's concern and knowledge for the financial implications would be commendable if this was a business scenario.
I am sympathetic to the child - the only person who is at the mercy of everyone else. If a man wants to protect and maintain his assets, he should invest in protection. Jimmy hats are cheap and somewhat effective, yes?
As I have stated earlier, there is no way to predict how the Cancer will react to this news. Hopefully, she will receive love, understanding, patience and the time she needs to recover from this.

Posted by Ripley

If he is the father, does he not have a financial obligation to his child?

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Posted by rockyroadicecream
. . . because what if she does decide to hit him for back child support?

Posted by P-Angel
So, let me get this straight ..... you were the best of assholes?

lol

dude, this bitch is setting you up .. and not only do you appear eager, you appear ignorant. You say you are evolved, and that you have a college degree, which I'm unclear why a college degree matters here? Unless you are insinuating that you're smart ... because, you're not.

You are completely clueless that you are gullible and being taken. This bitch doesn't want you, she doesn't want you to be in the child's life .. she wants your fucking money.

period

Get a grip and put cold water on that hard on you have

Posted by Ripley
Since the practical aspects of this topic have been covered extensively, I would like to make a point about the Cancer girl. If she turns out to be your child, you may want to keep these points in mind.
First off, I am glad that your priority is the child. Once you have established everything legally, do not approach the child through a "Virgo filter". You do not even need to be friends with the Virgo (though this will make it easier for the relationship with your daughter). For the time being, all you need to be is cordial. You really need to reign in your flirtatious nature for this to happen.
Your responses to the Cancer should be based on her personality alone. Every child is different, but when I was nine years old, I was already self-aware and able to read my environment. I would suggest that you not underestimate her knowledge of the situation. For instance, when Liv Tyler (a Cancer) was eleven years old, she went to an Aerosmith concert. The moment she saw Steven Tyler and her half sisters, she knew that the man who brought her up was not her biological father. She immediately changed her surname and embraced her biological father. I'm not saying that is going to necessarily happen to you, but Cancers seem to generally be concerned about their roots. Maybe not immediately, but definitely at a later stage.
How you react right now will determine the course of her relationship with you. If she believes that the man that brought her up is her real father, then it will be a slow process. In any event, this would be traumatic to any child. A Cancer that feels betrayed is always a messy scene (one that you may not witness). It will take a long time, and a great deal of persistence and patience to develop a rapport with her. She may feel that she is betraying the relationship with the man that brought her up (her father for all intensive purposes). You must be understanding at all costs. If you back off because you feel that she needs space, she may interpret it as rejection. You must establish healthy communication with her to prevent misunderstandings of this nature.

Posted by HighTide

At the root of it I am sure she would like money from this as she does deserve it for taking care of my child and being a good mother if in fact this is all true.In terms of child support that is more complicated as I wasn't aware early enough to gear my life with having a child out there that needed to be taken care of. She understands this, yet I think she does want to get as much from me as possible and will involve the courts if its not enough in her mind.

Posted by Ripley

With regard to this supposed financial ruin that everyone seems to be concerned about:
I am unfamiliar with HighTide's country or the laws that pertain to child maintenance. In this regard, he obviously needs to consult a lawyer who specialises in this field.
In any event, I do not believe any judge will risk the financial ruin of a parent when the object is to provide for the child's NEEDS on an ongoing basis. HighTide did not know about the child and the Virgo lied about the paternity test results. I assume those facts would void any demand for any back child support. After all, the mother had the baby so all of the time, energy and money she contributed to the upbringing of the child is unimportant. I would also assume that there would be some system in place so HighTide would be able to monitor what the spending habits of the mother (with regard to the child support payments). He could also possibly arrange to CONTRIBUTE directly to school fees, etc.
What is the right thing to do?
What is the honourable thing to do?
If you conduct yourself in an unworthy manner, and it turns out that she is your child, how will you face her?
I have nothing else to say on this matter.
Good luck, HighTide.

Posted by seraph
At least in Canada, the law favours the female spouse *heavily*, and the costs that must be borne by the other party are borderline cruel and unusual, and the consequences of non-payment (affordability is rarely a factor under consideration) are dire. In most cases it is difficult to apply for and actually get a variance based on personal hardship and poor economic circumstances. I can only imagine how much more vigilant the Family Responsibility Office is about enforcing orders for child support.

Posted by HighTide

Posted by Ripley
blah blah

The mother says that the girl has always known she has a real father out there and that they call me "Thor". I have no idea what that really means, but she has told me that she has made sure her daughter knew I was a good guy in my potential daughters eyes.

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Posted by HighTide
.... but she has told me that she has made sure her daughter knew I was a good guy in my potential daughters eyes.

Posted by HighTide
just an update, took a dna test and she is in fact mine

Posted by tiziani
Yeah all that aside though (as it was well handled in the thread already) I still think the polite thing to do is congratulate him on the news.
After all, the end focus is raising a daughter here in the best way that she can be raised, whichever solution they figure out.

Posted by HighTide

Found out last week that I have a 9 year old daughter that I never knew about. I am 30 now so in a way I feel thankful I am able to take this all in compared to how I was when I was 20 and it is sort of gives me a new meaning in life.