from Friends 2 best friends 2 lovers 2 besfriends
This topic was created in the Virgo forum by Chatz on Saturday, April 11, 2009 and has 15 replies.
OK well those that have followed my story know that I became friends with My Virgo man, he pursued dating with me when I held back for a long time saying I cant do the work thing, he said he understood but wore me down, we became such good friends to best friends to eventually lovers. He broke things off with me just under 2 weeks ago and we've been in contact with one another and it was due to office gossip and we both could have handled things much better but long story short we didnt..both of us didnt. I think both him and I realise that but:
He said he doesnt want to lose his best friend, that he's not opposed to catching up and doing what we were doing without the sex blah blah blah. At the moment Im trying to heal this heart and trying to put my feelings away from him but he has been texting me this weekend saying Happy Easter and that we "should catch up for a drink soon" but what I want to know is:
How do you go from friendship to best friends to lovers to best friends again and in such a short period of time from breaking up? Has anybody had this happen?
My dilemma is that I love him dearly and would be more than happy to forgive and forget and laugh off this ridiculous office gossip about him and a girl half his age, more than happy and he knows this but he hasnt put forth the fact he wants this but he wants to resume the friendship as if nothing happened. Ive given him the distance and we havent spoken or made proper contact since Wednesday (3 days now), Im trying to give him that space so he can do his analyzing and I can do mine as to what really was the demise of our relationship. Yes we both have fault but so far I have been the only one apologising and thats ok, I dont even care if he finds fault in himself....I would like to resume the relationship but Im not sure how I can resume a friendship, especially this soon.
I secretly would hope that he would ask me out to a bigger date than just a drink or a movie, Id secretly hope that we could resolve whatever it was that tore us apart but dont need to go into the nitty gritty of it. As I said Id be happy to just forgive and forget.
Has anybody been able to successfully go back to friendship when they still have deep feelings for their partner? I find it hard to understand that he could put his feelings aside and just resume as friends.
As I said Id like to resurrect more than just friendship but how does one put those feelings to bed? And why is he
He said he doesnt want to lose his best friend, that he's not opposed to catching up and doing what we were doing without the sex blah blah blah. At the moment Im trying to heal this heart and trying to put my feelings away from him but he has been texting me this weekend saying Happy Easter and that we "should catch up for a drink soon" but what I want to know is:
How do you go from friendship to best friends to lovers to best friends again and in such a short period of time from breaking up? Has anybody had this happen?
My dilemma is that I love him dearly and would be more than happy to forgive and forget and laugh off this ridiculous office gossip about him and a girl half his age, more than happy and he knows this but he hasnt put forth the fact he wants this but he wants to resume the friendship as if nothing happened. Ive given him the distance and we havent spoken or made proper contact since Wednesday (3 days now), Im trying to give him that space so he can do his analyzing and I can do mine as to what really was the demise of our relationship. Yes we both have fault but so far I have been the only one apologising and thats ok, I dont even care if he finds fault in himself....I would like to resume the relationship but Im not sure how I can resume a friendship, especially this soon.
I secretly would hope that he would ask me out to a bigger date than just a drink or a movie, Id secretly hope that we could resolve whatever it was that tore us apart but dont need to go into the nitty gritty of it. As I said Id be happy to just forgive and forget.
Has anybody been able to successfully go back to friendship when they still have deep feelings for their partner? I find it hard to understand that he could put his feelings aside and just resume as friends.
As I said Id like to resurrect more than just friendship but how does one put those feelings to bed? And why is he
asking so soon?
Ive read plenty on here that Virgos when they break off a relationship that they're done but you'd think that he'd want some space and time to heal and allow me to heal before wanting to be best buddies again.
I know that im his feel good at work and that he enjoys our chats (we have a tool at work very much like msn where we can chat whilst working) and that he truly enjoys my company as I do his but doesnt that make it difficult for both of us to move on? I do wish him the best in life and hope he finds happiness but I dont want to hear about new dates/women in his life and I know that we'll both go back to flirting which will confuse us both. I know he wont be able to help himself as we've done this before where we separated for a few days just to resume things again.
As much as I prefer to have him back in my life as we were I cant for the life of me figure out how we can be that close again without staying attached and setting myself up for more heartache but I also cant for the life of me see him not being in my life.
What to do? Do I walk away and pretend to be busy at work so we cant chat? or do I continue the charade and pretend nothing ever happened?
I just dont know. Tiki I dont think he's coming back as I said above, when a Virgo is done, a Virgo is done although we both had help in making that decision (other bloody people).
*shrugs*
He keeps texting rather than to let me have that space to remove my feelings and allow himself to remove his. Blah!!
Ive read plenty on here that Virgos when they break off a relationship that they're done but you'd think that he'd want some space and time to heal and allow me to heal before wanting to be best buddies again.
I know that im his feel good at work and that he enjoys our chats (we have a tool at work very much like msn where we can chat whilst working) and that he truly enjoys my company as I do his but doesnt that make it difficult for both of us to move on? I do wish him the best in life and hope he finds happiness but I dont want to hear about new dates/women in his life and I know that we'll both go back to flirting which will confuse us both. I know he wont be able to help himself as we've done this before where we separated for a few days just to resume things again.
As much as I prefer to have him back in my life as we were I cant for the life of me figure out how we can be that close again without staying attached and setting myself up for more heartache but I also cant for the life of me see him not being in my life.
What to do? Do I walk away and pretend to be busy at work so we cant chat? or do I continue the charade and pretend nothing ever happened?
I just dont know. Tiki I dont think he's coming back as I said above, when a Virgo is done, a Virgo is done although we both had help in making that decision (other bloody people).
*shrugs*
He keeps texting rather than to let me have that space to remove my feelings and allow himself to remove his. Blah!!
lol
Why don't you just tell him you can't be just friends with him, that you feel to deeply and it just wouldn't work?? Its not him that will set you up for disaster it will be you, he has stated his position and with you wanting more you will only be hurt, I've had to learn this lesson before.
He obviously enjoys your company as a friend and nothing more, if he wanted more he is a grown man and office gossip or no office gossip he would be with you. You are going to get really hurt hanging on waiting for him to change his mind, why give him that power anyway, you both want different things.
"What to do? Do I walk away and pretend to be busy at work so we cant chat? or do I continue the charade and pretend nothing ever happened?"
Tell him the truth!!
I wish you all the best Chatz x
He obviously enjoys your company as a friend and nothing more, if he wanted more he is a grown man and office gossip or no office gossip he would be with you. You are going to get really hurt hanging on waiting for him to change his mind, why give him that power anyway, you both want different things.
"What to do? Do I walk away and pretend to be busy at work so we cant chat? or do I continue the charade and pretend nothing ever happened?"
Tell him the truth!!
I wish you all the best Chatz x
chatz this cannot work. and it is bad. not good at all.
he wants a friend? too damn bad.
YOU MUST WALK AWAY.
i am not sure you realize this, but this is parallelling the last relationship you had,....where you also could not let go...and you allowed it to yo-yo for over a year. you constantly were letting the guy back. you never were having there be consequences, you were always willing to accept whatever he gave. you would draw a line...he would crss it, a few days past and you would decide you love the person so whatever, let it go.
you are doing the exact same thing.
why? because inherently your self esteem is verylow and there is a part of you that cannot be alone, nor is there a part of you that can handle the rejection of a failed relationship. so you hide behind your conceptualized feelings of love.
here is the answer....no more friends with him. at all. no more communication. at all.
you will not do it. this will yo yo for months and you will once again waste a year of your life on a man who does not love you.
he wants a friend? too damn bad.
YOU MUST WALK AWAY.
i am not sure you realize this, but this is parallelling the last relationship you had,....where you also could not let go...and you allowed it to yo-yo for over a year. you constantly were letting the guy back. you never were having there be consequences, you were always willing to accept whatever he gave. you would draw a line...he would crss it, a few days past and you would decide you love the person so whatever, let it go.
you are doing the exact same thing.
why? because inherently your self esteem is verylow and there is a part of you that cannot be alone, nor is there a part of you that can handle the rejection of a failed relationship. so you hide behind your conceptualized feelings of love.
here is the answer....no more friends with him. at all. no more communication. at all.
you will not do it. this will yo yo for months and you will once again waste a year of your life on a man who does not love you.
chatz,
i have no intention whatsoever of attacking you for creating this post. i know what it feels like to be in your position.
to answer your question of how one can put aside romantic feelings to resume a close friendship, i'm afraid that isn't possible. you acknowledge that you would like more from him, and it's good that you're being honest with yourself. however, that's an indication to me that you really should not even attempt the friends thing right now. it will almost inevitably lead to more confusion and heartache for you.
you know what you need to do. you need to tell him that, while you are deeply sorry for the way things had to end, you simply cannot be "just friends" with him. and then, if he is disrespectful enough to try and contact you to "hang out" like everything is fine, you need to ignore him. i know it's difficult. but you know as well as i that you need a separation to truly get over the feelings you still have.
you should come to terms with the fact that a friendship really is all that you can have with this man for the time being. and if you hope to have that friendship, you will need to give yourself time to heal and move on. and when that happens, if you decide you still really do care about him and would like him in your life, then and only then can you resume a friendship with him - on your terms.
i earnestly hope that you take my advice as well as that of others who have already contributed to your thread. i have only your best interests at heart.
i have no intention whatsoever of attacking you for creating this post. i know what it feels like to be in your position.
to answer your question of how one can put aside romantic feelings to resume a close friendship, i'm afraid that isn't possible. you acknowledge that you would like more from him, and it's good that you're being honest with yourself. however, that's an indication to me that you really should not even attempt the friends thing right now. it will almost inevitably lead to more confusion and heartache for you.
you know what you need to do. you need to tell him that, while you are deeply sorry for the way things had to end, you simply cannot be "just friends" with him. and then, if he is disrespectful enough to try and contact you to "hang out" like everything is fine, you need to ignore him. i know it's difficult. but you know as well as i that you need a separation to truly get over the feelings you still have.
you should come to terms with the fact that a friendship really is all that you can have with this man for the time being. and if you hope to have that friendship, you will need to give yourself time to heal and move on. and when that happens, if you decide you still really do care about him and would like him in your life, then and only then can you resume a friendship with him - on your terms.
i earnestly hope that you take my advice as well as that of others who have already contributed to your thread. i have only your best interests at heart.
Chatz has been told what to do, she refuses to do it, she will not be honest, she will not be straight up, she's being a drama queen, sorry Chatz but I'm so disturbed by your impatience and your stubborn behavior, if you would just listen and stop trying to be a drama queen, things would work itself out...
Some people love drama so much that when they hear normal, they think it's twisted.
::: shrugs :::
::: shrugs :::
I saw this from the first incident .. the one I kept mentioning on the needs-a-ride-from-Virgo thread.
She then, with that earlier incident, did the same thing here and that's why I said I saw a pattern, and kept bringing it up.
I didn't realize there was another guy before this one, where it was this same pattern.
:::: shakes head ::::
Hopefully, Virgo will wake up soon and walk the fuck away.
She then, with that earlier incident, did the same thing here and that's why I said I saw a pattern, and kept bringing it up.
I didn't realize there was another guy before this one, where it was this same pattern.
:::: shakes head ::::
Hopefully, Virgo will wake up soon and walk the fuck away.
there had to be truth to the gossip...why else does a man who said he wanted exclusivity, turn around and break it off BECAUSE OF THE GOSSIP?
i think you put it best SPA....she is the emotional crutch.
chatz...he is not the love of your life. and you will surely never be the love of his. move on. and get this....you have better and longer standing friends...just cause he seemed like a good one does not require he be around forever. you are using that as an excuse.
i think you put it best SPA....she is the emotional crutch.
chatz...he is not the love of your life. and you will surely never be the love of his. move on. and get this....you have better and longer standing friends...just cause he seemed like a good one does not require he be around forever. you are using that as an excuse.
Posted by theskys
Chatz, I can understand why you would want consider going back to him, because the two of you were doing okay. But whether or not you want to fully admit to yourself or not, this was a test for the two of you to build better communication. If you don't like his avoidance to YOUR FEELINGS, tell him in a calm way. Tell him that you won't accept anything less than what you've already given him.
She has told him, he already knows...
"My dilemma is that I love him dearly and would be more than happy to forgive and forget and laugh off this ridiculous office gossip about him and a girl half his age, more than happy and he knows this but he hasnt put forth the fact he wants this but he wants to resume the friendship as if nothing happened. Ive given him the distance and we havent spoken or made proper contact since Wednesday (3 days now), Im trying to give him that space so he can do his analyzing and I can do mine as to what really was the demise of our relationship. Yes we both have fault but so far I have been the only one apologising and thats ok, I dont even care if he finds fault in himself....I would like to resume the relationship"
When you find an opportune moment, tell him this.
Sometimes Pride, of a leo, comes before the fall lol
When you find an opportune moment, tell him this.
Sometimes Pride, of a leo, comes before the fall lol
Let us not forget we only have one side of this story. We have no way of knowing just how bad the 'office' thing was.
How do you know that there is not more to this than the op admits? Did she jeopardize his job with these insecurities? Did she exaggerate about the scope of his involvement, with either herself or the alleged recipient of his kindness?
How do we know that the op did not create a stink in the office place and her 'boyfriend' decided that there was no way he could have a serious relationship with a woman that would seek to destroy his future in a fit of insecurity?
You all are passing judgment here as if the op has dropped two stone tablets etched by the finger of God.Truth is we only know her version of it. And quite frankly for myself I find most of it suspect.
How do you know that there is not more to this than the op admits? Did she jeopardize his job with these insecurities? Did she exaggerate about the scope of his involvement, with either herself or the alleged recipient of his kindness?
How do we know that the op did not create a stink in the office place and her 'boyfriend' decided that there was no way he could have a serious relationship with a woman that would seek to destroy his future in a fit of insecurity?
You all are passing judgment here as if the op has dropped two stone tablets etched by the finger of God.Truth is we only know her version of it. And quite frankly for myself I find most of it suspect.
Ah man for tha Nassau, Everyone LOVES to judge others based of the information of ONE SIDE of the story. It could be ALOT more going on but as a Leo, CHATZ will NOT completely tell everything. That is just the mystery of her being.
Virgo men are men who give their hearts SLOW! For most to me every woman wants to make a man jump to the finish line before he is ready to commit himself to such a big process.
Chatz, why don't you just take the pressure off of trying to be in a relationship with him, quit letting YOURSELF get wrapped around his emotional issues and you DATE others men. Period. Give him the time and space to come towards you. If you want more from him, it certainly won't happen with YOU waiting around for him to chose you. It won't happen.
Virgo men are really good loyal men. You just cannot "rush" them. They are men who don't give their hearts away to any one person because he is aware that when he gives his heart to you, it is for a lifetime commitment. If he is NOT ready to commit to you, don't commit too him. Don't play his perfect lover, girlfriend, wife figure anymore and give his "heart" time to choose. DON'T COMMIT TO HIM, therefore you won't be out of balancing yourself emotionally. Don't do anymore that he is not doing.
Everyone's timeline is different. You may want a commitment or marriage from this guy but HIS timeline may be different from yours. You don't have to stop dating him, you can keep dating him but let him know that you are not waiting for him to make any decisions about you.
I wouldn't let anyone on these boards sit up and "judge" me. It is really not in anyone's else place to judge you or your situation. You don't have to just cut a person off because things aren't going YOUR way. Learn to let go of CONTROLLING the outcome.
Virgo men are men who give their hearts SLOW! For most to me every woman wants to make a man jump to the finish line before he is ready to commit himself to such a big process.
Chatz, why don't you just take the pressure off of trying to be in a relationship with him, quit letting YOURSELF get wrapped around his emotional issues and you DATE others men. Period. Give him the time and space to come towards you. If you want more from him, it certainly won't happen with YOU waiting around for him to chose you. It won't happen.
Virgo men are really good loyal men. You just cannot "rush" them. They are men who don't give their hearts away to any one person because he is aware that when he gives his heart to you, it is for a lifetime commitment. If he is NOT ready to commit to you, don't commit too him. Don't play his perfect lover, girlfriend, wife figure anymore and give his "heart" time to choose. DON'T COMMIT TO HIM, therefore you won't be out of balancing yourself emotionally. Don't do anymore that he is not doing.
Everyone's timeline is different. You may want a commitment or marriage from this guy but HIS timeline may be different from yours. You don't have to stop dating him, you can keep dating him but let him know that you are not waiting for him to make any decisions about you.
I wouldn't let anyone on these boards sit up and "judge" me. It is really not in anyone's else place to judge you or your situation. You don't have to just cut a person off because things aren't going YOUR way. Learn to let go of CONTROLLING the outcome.
Its been a few days since Ive been here and yes I was falling apart, I admit that. Mr Virgo will not know of this and I have agreed with him that our separation was the only thing we could have done and have apologised for my part in what went on. I dont blame him, I am just sorry that it had to come to this.
With the help of Tiki, I have found some peace and will go on with my life and perhaps as he wishes, we might become best friends again in months down the track but for now Im going to take care of myself and allow him his space and privacy to take care of himself.
yes the man isnt ready for a relationship and yes he has some baggage but it would seem I do as well. Im working on that.
Thank you for all of your support and yes some not so great responses...P-Angel, you're right about one thing...relationships shouldnt be hard work and it would seem I was working too hard for something that was never going to happen. Ive let go now.
Mr Virgo knows where I am when he's truly ready to pick up the friendship side of things that he so much wants, but also knows I will need some time to remove my feelings. Time will tell if I can give him that and this time he will have to wait for me to be ready.
Thanks again Tiki, your patience and understanding is second to none
With the help of Tiki, I have found some peace and will go on with my life and perhaps as he wishes, we might become best friends again in months down the track but for now Im going to take care of myself and allow him his space and privacy to take care of himself.
yes the man isnt ready for a relationship and yes he has some baggage but it would seem I do as well. Im working on that.
Thank you for all of your support and yes some not so great responses...P-Angel, you're right about one thing...relationships shouldnt be hard work and it would seem I was working too hard for something that was never going to happen. Ive let go now.
Mr Virgo knows where I am when he's truly ready to pick up the friendship side of things that he so much wants, but also knows I will need some time to remove my feelings. Time will tell if I can give him that and this time he will have to wait for me to be ready.
Thanks again Tiki, your patience and understanding is second to none
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