Hi Im Back and Have An Update.

Hi guys,

I can say i have really missed this board, especially some fo you who gave me great advice on coping with my Virgo man.

We have been together almost 3 months now and recently he has gotten very much worse. I confided in a close friend who directed me to the domestic violence website and i read the section on `signs that your in an abusive realtionship` and found that i ticked most of them off. Friends have noticed i have changed and lost my former self in efforts to keep peace and harmony, but you what it doesnt work anyhow.

He is sweet in front of others, so sweet if you met us out you would think i was lucky to have such a charming attentive loving guy. The truth at home is he is abusive verbally (he hasnt hit me and if he did id call the police and that would be it) and i dont put all this down to his being a virgo anymore. He is just pure nasty its unreal.

I have cut contact and told him to seek help. I know he comes from a background of seeing his Dad do the same to his Mom, but he can move on from this but needs to see he has a problem and as of now he doesnt and still lays all blame with me.


All i have been guilty of is being too willing to do what he wanted instead of speaking out sooner. I just hoped things would improve, and for some of the time they did, but only with me on eggshells.


For those of you that dont remember me, im 35, Cancer and my man is 45, Virgo, never married, no kids.


Sorry i know i am off topic somewhat guys but would be interested in your comments on what i have had to say-good or bad.


Leyla.

Sounds like you absolutely made the right decision Leyla. Stick with it.

Leyla

In my opinion, every action has its own reaction (cause and effect) then its triggering a series of unexpected chain reactions.. you simply wont get (I hate you) as an answer when you say (I love you).

Your Cancerian nature and your moodiness "hence the withdrawal for sometimes" put Virgos into the state of assumptions and melancholy "the one we hate it so much and always reacting against it harshly and mindlessly".

When Virgos are in love generally speaking they love in honest possible way with the positive ideas and outlook about their relationship and will guard it to the extreme "even if they have to sell their soul to the devil".

Here something serious must've happened between you two previously that triggered him to this madness and as "reaction" he started this "psychological war against you" and I blame it to your natural curse of moodiness. Your mood change makes him believe that you are playing a game with him.

Now.. instead of asking for advice here and there, try to explain yourself (mood changes) calmly to him and make sure he believe and understand for what you saying, Virgos are logical entities but they are certainly not a mind reader so if you withdraw "as punishment" and don?t say anything then he'll start assuming and most probably his conclusions would be like you play a game with his feelings.. and it is natural defence to react whether verbally or God forbid physically.

Qbone,

I appreciate your input, but i can assure you that nothing has happened to `trigger` this response in my man. Yes i can be moody, but i have given this relationship my all and made a real effort to please this guy. I see now thats where i went wrong.

He started to critisise me on our first date, shortly after i found this site and came for advise on Virgo males because i was willing to accept this was maybe his way. I dont walk easily (yes Cancer trait) so you people will know i have given this more than my all.


He has put down my weight, my hair colour, the way i wear my hair, the way i talk, the way i dont clean his house properly (from the end of month one he has had me cleaning his aprartment every weekend and moaning while i do it) i know more the fool me. His was was always right. He would claim to be a clean person, but on arrival Friday nights, i would find the kitchen sink smelling foul,and full of dirty dishes and food residue, the carpets and floors filthy and the bathroom disgusting too. I feel used yet i know it happened because i allowed it all to happen.

The thing is if i warranted so much critisism because im so in need of help (as he says) why did he only treat me like this in private— I asked him to talk to me liek that at his sisters or friends. He wouldnt. All signs of a domestic abuser.


Looking back he was an angry man when i met him. He has been unlucky with ladies due to his morbid obesity and looks, and while hoping he would be happy he met someone willing to look past all that, he didnt. He demanded io lose weight and claimed his was ok—? I am not very big, just have some extra pounds, yet he demanded i become skinny.


I could carry on but it will bore you guys. But just trying to show you that nothing happened to start this.

Qbone,

I appreciate your input, but i can assure you that nothing has happened to `trigger` this response in my man. Yes i can be moody, but i have given this relationship my all and made a real effort to please this guy. I see now thats where i went wrong.

He started to critisise me on our first date, shortly after i found this site and came for advise on Virgo males because i was willing to accept this was maybe his way. I dont walk easily (yes Cancer trait) so you people will know i have given this more than my all.


He has put down my weight, my hair colour, the way i wear my hair, the way i talk, the way i dont clean his house properly (from the end of month one he has had me cleaning his aprartment every weekend and moaning while i do it) i know more the fool me. His was was always right. He would claim to be a clean person, but on arrival Friday nights, i would find the kitchen sink smelling foul,and full of dirty dishes and food residue, the carpets and floors filthy and the bathroom disgusting too. I feel used yet i know it happened because i allowed it all to happen.

The thing is if i warranted so much critisism because im so in need of help (as he says) why did he only treat me like this in private— I asked him to talk to me liek that at his sisters or friends. He wouldnt. All signs of a domestic abuser.


Looking back he was an angry man when i met him. He has been unlucky with ladies due to his morbid obesity and looks, and while hoping he would be happy he met someone willing to look past all that, he didnt. He demanded io lose weight and claimed his was ok—? I am not very big, just have some extra pounds, yet he demanded i become skinny.


I could carry on but it will bore you guys. But just trying to show you that nothing happened to start this.

Sorry guys it loaded twice!

Stringsattached,

thankyou for being there and giving your take on this, as alwasy i appreciate it.

Part of me loves this guy and wants to make this work i dont want to end it, but he does need help of some kind.


Leyla.

Just to clarify i have ended things with this guy, but left it open ended that he get help for his behavoir and then when i see him move forward and start to accept things and stop laying the blame elsewhere, maybe then maybe we can talk.

I have spoken at length with his big sister today and told her whats been going on. I was even afraid she would dis-believe me ashe is sooo nice in public, but hey guess what? She told me he has the worse temper ever and has even reduced his elderly (in their 70s and 80s) parents to tears and nervous wrecks with his tongue.

Cant say that makes me feel any better. To know im not on my own. In fact im disgusted. He ought to be too.

Anyway hsi sister assumed we were together as its the weekend and was trying to get us to a barbecue and wondered why he wont get his phones. I told her she needs to go round and at least check on him because he is diabetic and has other obesity related illnesses. If he misses food or meds he will be in big trouble. But she wants to have things out with him as the whole family is sick of the fact he keeps losing females. LOL.


To think he told me all his exes were at fault eh!!!!!!!!!! I think not.


Well i wish his sister luck. I really do. I think if he truly loves me he would call me and want me.


or would he—?? I mean hes a Virgo. Do they call or do they sulk—?


Anyway her plans are to go and see him tommorow and talk, then get me and him together within a few days with her and her husband and Mr. Virgo for a proper talk.


She did warn me i may have to be accepting of some things tho 😉)))


Any views anyone——? Do you think this may help. I still want him to seek medical help and hope his sister can get that through to him.


Leyla.

Leyla,

If I understand correctly, your Virgo has a serious illness, therefore, it's possible he feels vulnerable, helpless, and may have other physical/psychological/sexual difficulties connected to the diabetes.

I am sorry Qbone made you feel responsible. Abuse is abuse. Abusive people will abuse anyone they resent, not just a lover. The bottom line is this, if you've been cautioned by a family member then you need to take heed. You can have all the love in the world to give but if your Virguy is unresponsive or unwilling to accept help, there isn't much you can do until he is willing to heal. You can be supportive but he has to be available for that support. I have found in my Virgo relathionships with men is that they need consistency. They can resort to manipulation but I feel this is true of anyone who finds someone holding back.

Good luck.

CatFISH?

I made her responsible and you are sorry..?? Why..?? do you know me or leyla personally that you feel sorry for what I said..??

And yeah?. She is responsible? both to herself and her future relationship(s).

If she is wise and mature enough she should know the depth of wisdom I shared with her and her only, it wasn?t for you or anyone one else for that matter?

Decisions been made under the "moody" situations are not valid because they are prone to change constantly? like you love? hour later you hate?. Hour later you'll say something stupid?. Half an hour later you regret for what you said earlier..!

There is 180 degree differences between Sympathies and Compassions?.I am sure if she ever needed to hear "Awwww.. you are good and he is bad" crap, she would have get it from in her real life close friends an family and not us.

Share your opinion and??.

STOP ADVISING PEOPLE FOR WHAT YOU PERSONALLY THINK IS RIGHT TO DO, YOU DON?T LIVE THEIR LIVES?

Hey guys please dont argue on my account. I welcome all comments from anyone, i may not agree with all that is said, but i come here to get everyones take on my situation, to try and help me see if i could be doing anything different.

The one thing i will say is any form of abuse isnt acceptable and i wont accept responsiblity for another actions. If my Virgo guy was upset he had the option to talk and not threaten, name call and generally make my life hell.

Well thats how i see it.

No worries leyla..

Just wanted to be sure that if anyone wanted to answer to your dilemma, should focus in your original post and not using my post (and feel sorry) as their excuses for their (have finger in every pie) habits.. (popular syndrome in Virgo forum nowadays). Like my Virgo was like this or like that?

Peace?

Qbone,

I was responding to this post of yours -

"Here something serious must've happened between you two previously that triggered him to this madness and as "reaction" he started this "psychological war against you" and I blame it to your natural curse of moodiness."

Strings also noticed that perhaps this may have not been the best way to state it. Of course we are all responsible for our relationships but abusive people put the blame on everyone else other than where it belongs.

If I respond to a person asking for help and "they" choose for me not to respond then I won't. Leyla came here for some guidance for a reason. Who are you to advise me as to how to deal with others on this board? Leyla clearly stated she was not the "trigger". So why is it a problem for me to show empathy? I understand some of what she's undergone. If you don't like it, too bad.

Thankyou guys....thankyou from the bottom of my heart.

I have called the Domestic Violence Helpline for advice and they gave me a link to a site that gave checklists for certain behavoirs and my Virgo Guy did match the `Narcissist` which did help me decided to tell him to seek help.

As things stand i am being strong and staying away. Its hard because there are feeling involved no mattter how badly hes treated me of course i wished he would seek help, but hes in total denial so i cant do any more than i have.


We were due to go on vacation to meet his parents in July and all his other family are lovely. I will be sad to lose them more than him.

But i know i will get through this, i have felt pain before of parting from a loved one and am adult enough to know i can get over this.


Thanks once again for all your support guys.

Leyla.

Wow M Ldy thank you for sharing your story with us. You truly sound like someone that has gone through much and has come out that much stronger. Leyla, I am sorry to hear you have had to endure such abuse, and that you will miss this man's family, but he sounds like a no-good dog. Not worth your time and love and efforts, at the very least. Stay strong and I would think right now would be the best time to stay away and sort your own mind out. I'm rooting for you!
-a

Hi Leyla..I can totally relate to your story of doing everything you can and still being abused and humiliated despite your caring and nuturing for this relationship. But don't walk away...RUN!!! He IS a Narcissist and will only use you for a supply of emotional garbage....tell you how much you mean to him, tell you he can't live without you, and how wonderful you are. I bet it all started that way. Then WHAMMO he starts throwing and slinging insults and personal injury to you. You are thinking "where the hell did THIS come from?" and "What did I do to deserve it?" First or all He WAS drawn to you by your very unique and good qualities. Second he is an emotional jellyfish with no reference to real love in his life. He is insecure and probably an underachiever cause he can't war dance with the BIG guys. If he does SAY he'll go for therapy it's like M lady says..pure manipulation. If he can win you back with pretty words again it won't be long before he spewing devaluating insults at you again. GET OUT AND STAY OUT. You will never regret that choice. God Bless.

Hi Leyla,

I have to agree with everybody on this board. I had a narcisist boyfriend who was very verbally abusive once when I was young and naive. I took him back 3 times on his promises to change and go to therapy. He was even harder on himself than I was, but yes it was all a manipulation and within a couple of weeks of going back he would be back to the same old ways. Don't waste as much time as I did. Get out now and find someone who will treat you good.

Thankyou guys for all your support. I am doing ok and will not go back. I have gained lots of info from the net and know he wont change. I have decided that total no contact is best when it comes to him. He has tried to call and i am ignoring him. Im sure he will go away soon and move on.

Also thankyou for those of you that posted your stories....i know it can be painful but also helps me to know that im not alone in what ive discovered.

Bear in mind i came here origionally with questions on my new Virgo guy that was overly critical and came away having learnt i was actually with a Narcissist.

I will have lots of time alone.....i had a good break and was happy alone before he came along. I dont need a guy to be fullfilled and just intend to enjoy life and get my head down as im still in university as mature student and have neglected things there lately.

But again im truly thankful for everyones comments here .xxx.