How can I help him
This topic was created in the Virgo forum by SeaLion on Saturday, September 14, 2019 and has 23 replies.
Most of you know about my Virgo Fwb. What I haven't mentioned is what happened to him. Mainly because yesterday was the first time I've seen him since the incident and the reality of it all didn't hit me until I saw him. Here is what happened the best I can explain it because I wasn't there.
He has this job where he travels around the country driving medical patients who are unable to take planes but need to transfer to other hospitals(best I can describe it). Anyway, so, he stays at a lot of hotels and back in May he was staying at a hotel during one of these jobs. All he remembers is standing in front of an ice machine and then waking up on the ground. He was attacked from behind and almost died. His left arm swelled 6 times its normal size and he describes it as his arm now feels like latex. He had to go on dialysis for a month because they fucked him up so bad.
When he first told me about it I almost cried but the full horror of it all didn't hit me until I saw his body. He's got huge bruises and scars all over his body. His back has a huge scar. One of his knees is all discolored and scared. His arm that was swollen has scars, he says the best way he can describe his arm was that it felt "dead". His hands have scars all over them where it looks like he tried to fight his assailants off. We were sitting on his bed and I just hugged him.
He doesn't know why he was attacked. It could be a racial thing(he's interracial black/spanish). It could be cause he's a big guy(6'4) or maybe both. He wasn't drunk, he wasnt on any drugs, he hadn't argued with anyone b4 hand, it was completly random and unprovoked.
He is understandably very angry about the whole thing even tho he acts like he isnt. He told me he has to walk away from people cause he gets so angry and impatient. At one point he slightly pushed me away from him to the point where I yelled at him and told him not to push me. He said he didn't realize he did it and then after that he started to act weird and distant. We started watching a movie and he fell asleep then woke up and left the room leaving me to watch the movie by myself. When the movie ended he basicly kicked me out.....even tho earlier in the day he told me I could stay as long as I wanted to.
I haven't heard from him since I left last night.
Any advise as to how to handle him other than just be there for him and be patient and listen. Should I give him his space or should I be more pushy in talking to him? I'm used to dealing with PTSD from military veterans but this is different.
He has this job where he travels around the country driving medical patients who are unable to take planes but need to transfer to other hospitals(best I can describe it). Anyway, so, he stays at a lot of hotels and back in May he was staying at a hotel during one of these jobs. All he remembers is standing in front of an ice machine and then waking up on the ground. He was attacked from behind and almost died. His left arm swelled 6 times its normal size and he describes it as his arm now feels like latex. He had to go on dialysis for a month because they fucked him up so bad.
When he first told me about it I almost cried but the full horror of it all didn't hit me until I saw his body. He's got huge bruises and scars all over his body. His back has a huge scar. One of his knees is all discolored and scared. His arm that was swollen has scars, he says the best way he can describe his arm was that it felt "dead". His hands have scars all over them where it looks like he tried to fight his assailants off. We were sitting on his bed and I just hugged him.
He doesn't know why he was attacked. It could be a racial thing(he's interracial black/spanish). It could be cause he's a big guy(6'4) or maybe both. He wasn't drunk, he wasnt on any drugs, he hadn't argued with anyone b4 hand, it was completly random and unprovoked.
He is understandably very angry about the whole thing even tho he acts like he isnt. He told me he has to walk away from people cause he gets so angry and impatient. At one point he slightly pushed me away from him to the point where I yelled at him and told him not to push me. He said he didn't realize he did it and then after that he started to act weird and distant. We started watching a movie and he fell asleep then woke up and left the room leaving me to watch the movie by myself. When the movie ended he basicly kicked me out.....even tho earlier in the day he told me I could stay as long as I wanted to.
I haven't heard from him since I left last night.
Any advise as to how to handle him other than just be there for him and be patient and listen. Should I give him his space or should I be more pushy in talking to him? I'm used to dealing with PTSD from military veterans but this is different.
Posted by FknMeowNah what?
Nah
Sounds like he is slowly secluding himself in his dark place.
You can give him his space but he is going to need a bit of laughter every now and then. Once he turns all the way into his dark place it's going to be very hard to get him out.
You can give him his space but he is going to need a bit of laughter every now and then. Once he turns all the way into his dark place it's going to be very hard to get him out.
How much of your interaction is initiated by him... or does he just go through the motions? If he can't stand ppl he probably won't be able to stand much of you either. Bitterness is an ugly thing.
My question is why bother 'being there' for him if he can't provide for your basic (social, emotional?) needs then what good is he to you? Unless you like playing martyr, then fair game
My question is why bother 'being there' for him if he can't provide for your basic (social, emotional?) needs then what good is he to you? Unless you like playing martyr, then fair game
Posted by ImpulsvI wasn't being pushy with anything? We were just chilling yesterday.
It’s still ptsd
N you pushed him not respecting his boundaries
He’s probably playing in his mind how he lost control n pushed you!
Suggest therapy you are not equipped to handle it
Just be a friend but respect his boundaries
Obviously he got mad and you being to pushy and although wrong for pushing you right now he hasn’t processed his rage
Posted by enfant_terribleHe actually initiates more than I do. We are friends. You're suppose to be there for your friends. You're not suppose to just walk away when things get rough.
How much of your interaction is initiated by him... or does he just go through the motions? If he can't stand ppl he probably won't be able to stand much of you either. Bitterness is an ugly thing.
My question is why bother 'being there' for him if he can't provide for your basic (social, emotional?) needs then what good is he to you? Unless you like playing martyr, then fair game
Posted by dilettanteWe are friends first. The benefits are just that. They don't have to happen in order for us to be friends.
he’s an fwb. not your boyfriend.
you can check in on him but it is not your job to take care of him.
Posted by Phantom_DangusInteresting.
I think sometimes we convince ourselves we're "being there" for a guy _for him_ when we're really attempting to use his emotional weaknesses to get our own need for closeness and being needed met. It's something to consider at least.
The user who posted this message has hidden it.
Stop hiding your post lmao
Stop hiding your post lmao
Posted by but_didyoudieHe probably does. Maybe I should suggest getting a punching bag or something lol
It sounds like he needs an outlet for his anger
Sounds awful.
Leos are prone to taking care of the people we love / appreciate.....
First off I'd let him know you're there to talk, hang out if he needs you.
Second I'd back off....
Let him decide when and how he should do things.
Do you know his friends or family? Tell them.
Perhaps they're able to reach/understand him better.
Maybe the nature of your relationship prevents him from being open with you?
Leos are prone to taking care of the people we love / appreciate.....
First off I'd let him know you're there to talk, hang out if he needs you.
Second I'd back off....
Let him decide when and how he should do things.
Do you know his friends or family? Tell them.
Perhaps they're able to reach/understand him better.
Maybe the nature of your relationship prevents him from being open with you?
Posted by SeaLionYou literally said you yelled at him for pushing you away. I don’t know why you would do that. Just be there for him with respect to his personal space and what he’s gone throughPosted by Impulsv
It’s still ptsd
N you pushed him not respecting his boundaries
He’s probably playing in his mind how he lost control n pushed you!
Suggest therapy you are not equipped to handle it
Just be a friend but respect his boundaries
Obviously he got mad and you being to pushy and although wrong for pushing you right now he hasn’t processed his rage
I wasn't being pushy with anything? We were just chilling yesterday.click to expand
Posted by SjessI yelled at him for pushing me physically..... like with his hands.... not mentally. Lol I'm not a savagePosted by SeaLionPosted by Impulsv
It’s still ptsd
N you pushed him not respecting his boundaries
He’s probably playing in his mind how he lost control n pushed you!
Suggest therapy you are not equipped to handle it
Just be a friend but respect his boundaries
Obviously he got mad and you being to pushy and although wrong for pushing you right now he hasn’t processed his rage
I wasn't being pushy with anything? We were just chilling yesterday.
You literally said you yelled at him for pushing you away. I don’t know why you would do that. Just be there for him with respect to his personal space and what he’s gone throughclick to expand
Posted by BasorexiaI know his sister. She is staying with him right now for a week and he just got back from spending a month with his mom and the rest of his family. His sister has her own problems and she irritates him so not sure shes a reliable source lol.
Sounds awful.
Leos are prone to taking care of the people we love / appreciate.....
First off I'd let him know you're there to talk, hang out if he needs you.
Second I'd back off....
Let him decide when and how he should do things.
Do you know his friends or family? Tell them.
Perhaps they're able to reach/understand him better.
Maybe the nature of your relationship prevents him from being open with you?
We are usually open with each other. I mean it usually takes him a few conversations to give me the whole picture but it usually comes out. I just don't think he will with this.
Posted by dilettanteIt was like a nudge. He didnt knock me down or anything and he didnt know he did it, but it was enough to yell at him about it. He's usually very gentle. It was not like him at all. That's what worries me.Posted by SeaLionPosted by SjessPosted by SeaLionPosted by Impulsv
It’s still ptsd
N you pushed him not respecting his boundaries
He’s probably playing in his mind how he lost control n pushed you!
Suggest therapy you are not equipped to handle it
Just be a friend but respect his boundaries
Obviously he got mad and you being to pushy and although wrong for pushing you right now he hasn’t processed his rage
I wasn't being pushy with anything? We were just chilling yesterday.
You literally said you yelled at him for pushing you away. I don’t know why you would do that. Just be there for him with respect to his personal space and what he’s gone through
I yelled at him for pushing me physically..... like with his hands.... not mentally. Lol I'm not a savage
uh whoa he got physical?
i musta missed that partclick to expand
Posted by -DamousLol. I hear the opposite usually from guys. That people always want to challenge or fight them because they are bigger. Little man syndrome. Like Chihuahuas
Idk about being attacked because he’s tall. That’s usually a reason people choose NOT to bother me. WINGSPAN BABY.
Posted by SeaLionOhhhhh sorry. I thought you meant you got annoyed at him and gave him shit for not letting you hug him. That’s how I read itPosted by SjessPosted by SeaLionPosted by Impulsv
It’s still ptsd
N you pushed him not respecting his boundaries
He’s probably playing in his mind how he lost control n pushed you!
Suggest therapy you are not equipped to handle it
Just be a friend but respect his boundaries
Obviously he got mad and you being to pushy and although wrong for pushing you right now he hasn’t processed his rage
I wasn't being pushy with anything? We were just chilling yesterday.
You literally said you yelled at him for pushing you away. I don’t know why you would do that. Just be there for him with respect to his personal space and what he’s gone through
I yelled at him for pushing me physically..... like with his hands.... not mentally. Lol I'm not a savageclick to expand
My bad!
Posted by dilettanteYeah he thinks it might have been racial. And he was like nonchalant about it..saying it happens all the time as to say I shouldn't be upset about it...and I told him, no. That it doesn't make me less upset about it and the fact that it happened to him makes me even more upset about it. Even if I didnt know him like I do and I heard about something like that happening to someone makes me upset. The fact that I know the person brings it to another level. Like I want to find who ever did this to him and fuck him or them up like he/they fucked my friend up.Posted by SleepyquantroPosted by dilettantePosted by SleepyquantroPosted by dilettante
honestly, if it was a race related attack, that shit will make people shut down.
as a non white person, it is one of my biggest fears to have a racially related incident happen that cannot be ignored by my friends & family. like, getting physically assaulted. i would hate having to tell everyone about what happened.
once, someone called me a “fucking chink” in front of someone i was dating at the time. typically, i would’ve retaliated back but bc i was w/ a lover, it made feel utterly embarrassed & powerless. i cried when i came home.
he may be feeling suuuuper conflicted. unfortunately, the political climate in america has caused an increase on physical violence against POC’s. & that causes severe mental anguish.
I’m so sorry that happened to you, it’s so disheartening that this world is filled with so many inhuman people. 😔
Sometimes the state of the world depresses me. No one should ever have to worry about being verbally, mentally, or physically demeaned just for “being”. Smh...pretty sad 🤦🏽♀️
i agree but that isnt the worst racially motivated thing i’ve ever been called/ have had happen to me.
when i was 12, i got egged by a buncha of white kids, calling me a gook, while i walked home from the bus stop. it was utterly humiliating when i had to explain it to my mom.
i think that incident was the most traumatizing one.
Smfh @ people...🖕🏽Racism
This makes me so sad, I wish I could just hug u right now
e-hugs still count 🥰🥰click to expand
But I get what you are saying about being embarrassed to tell people about it. There was this time I got attacked by a group of people and to this day I still think about what they did and what they said to me and I haven't shared the details about that to anyone. I was 14 and only reason I got away from them was because a parent picked me up and got me away from them, drove me to the gatehouse of the community and my dad picked me up. Got in the back seat and never said anything to my dad about it. I was to ashamed.
Posted by -DamousBig guys gets attcked by groups. My bf is huge and he is a police magnet. When they are armed and in groups...shame.
Idk about being attacked because he’s tall. That’s usually a reason people choose NOT to bother me. WINGSPAN BABY.
he sounds like he needs space but being there if he need someone to talk to, if this is someone you care about
Are virgo men really such bullies?
So no ones gonna talk about how he was a t t a c k e d like.... :/
I feel so bad.
I feel so bad.
Posted by dilettante
honestly, if it was a race related attack, that shit will make people shut down.
as a non white person, it is one of my biggest fears to have a racially related incident happen that cannot be ignored by my friends & family. like, getting physically assaulted. i would hate having to tell everyone about what happened.
once, someone called me a “fucking chink” in front of someone i was dating at the time. typically, i would’ve retaliated back but bc i was w/ a lover, it made feel utterly embarrassed & powerless. i cried when i came home.
he may be feeling suuuuper conflicted. unfortunately, the political climate in america has caused an increase on physical violence against POC’s. & that causes severe mental anguish.
See this, this is what I’m thinking as well.
I hope the OP is not race related. Either way what was physically done is horrible but if the intention behind it is pertaining to race then I feel horrible. I know as a POC myself I sometimes wonder about how I would handle a situation like that myself. I’d def start to fall into a dark place bc the reason why I was physically assaulted is bc of something that I cannot change.
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