Before you respond: if you have nothing nice to say, please don't say it all. Thanks in advance
I'm a capricorn, my guy friend is a virgo. We started out as friends, met in college...it's been a 2.5 year friendship. I grew to love him, I mean really love him. At first, I didn't want anything more and neither did he. We were on the same page. I guess you could call it a friends with benefits situation.
But as I grew to like/love him more and more, I wanted more out of the fwb. We discussed it once upon a time and he told me, with all honesty...that I'd make an amazing girlfriend BUT "he wouldn't want to ruin me." Told me that he thinks he's ready sometimes but other times, not so much. So I thought that was enough for me to carry on with my life. Then I noticed this girl who always appears in some of his photos on social networks. I finally asked about her (because I was too afraid to ask months ago, bc I didn't think we were that serious.) He basically told me he's loved her since high school but he doesn't know how to be with her so they maintain a great friendship. Then he went on to tell me "I have some amazing women in my life, you being one of them". Told me he thinks that he is polyamorous but his connection from one doesn't take away from another.
So with all this information, I've decided to move on and not entertain his player behavior. However, I do want to maintain his friendship. I know it sounds crazy, because I shouldn't want to be friends with a person who treats me like such. But we started out as friends first. So...how do I get over him but still continue to be his friend?! Any suggestions?
Signed Up:
Aug 16, 2013Comments: 10 · Posts: 4163 · Topics: 48
You sound like you've made up your mind about this, but if you have to ask I feel like there's probably some part of you that isn't quite sure yet.
When you've completely (and honestly with yourself) made up your mind that you're ready to be over this guy and move on with nothing more than a friendship that's exactly what will happen for you. It might hurt at first, but you'll know you're going in the right direction.
Until you have that mental certainty though your emotions are likely to make this transition harder. I would say that you could keep in touch in a general sense like through social media or the occasional text. There's no reason to not be civil about it all. But for the most part you would be better off with keeping your distance until time has faded some of those feelings.
Awesome answer, TMV. I appreciate your feedback and suggestions! Distance is definitely the route I'm going to have to take
Signed Up:
Apr 07, 2011Comments: 1685 · Posts: 9901 · Topics: 213
However, time does not always necessarily fades feelings, in fact it sometimes makes them even stronger! However, to know which one applies in your case, you will still have to back off from him and live your own life. When you are in a different headspace, you will know.
Signed Up:
Jun 20, 2014Comments: 1 · Posts: 3847 · Topics: 1
I find that distance helps. To not be near or around someone or to have no or little contact with them helps me to forget about them or that they're not that important. Then when I meet that person again I find any emotional stuff has had time to die down and it doesn't rule over my head. Constantly being with someone or even texts/emails can be draining especially if you still like him.
The mental clarity as the other person said is good. Your head knows it's not going to work or be something you want so that's a start.
He may not have done anything wrong here. As you say, you both went into it with fwb but you developed more feelings but he did not. Plus he likes someone else. He probably shouldn't have got involved with you if he liked someone else but these things happen.
I've never had a fwb scenario. I've had one offs who I've never seen again or relationships but fwb just presents too many issues for some people.
Signed Up:
Feb 04, 2013Comments: 1 · Posts: 9186 · Topics: 179
You have to accept he does NOT want a relationship with you as we've told you repeatedly in your other threads. If that means cutting all contact to get into the friendzone, then do it. If you see after time you still can't accept he doesn't want you the way you do still hold feelings..forget it and the friendship and move on. Common sense right?
Signed Up:
Feb 04, 2013Comments: 1 · Posts: 9186 · Topics: 179
*and you still hold feelings
Signed Up:
Aug 31, 2006Comments: 0 · Posts: 10616 · Topics: 40
You cannot maintain a friendship with a man you're in love with. Distance may help some but if you love him and you feel you're in love with him it's pretty hopeless and pointless to crawl backwards into the friendzone because as long as you're the only one in love you're going to fallback into those "I love him" shoes again and again and hurt yourself again and again.
It's cliche but I think LOSS motivates a man to stop being selfish, self involved and gives him time to reflect on what's really important to him therefore if you love someone let him go and if he comes back he was always yours and if he don't return he was never yours.
Some men/people just need a heavy dose of rejection as a reality check...
I appreciate all the advice you guys are giving me. I will take your suggestions into action. I've been distancing myself so far but I know there's going to come a time when he texts or calls and I'm not going to be able to ignore him. I don't want to seem like I'm punishing him for telling me the truth, nor do I want to lose him as a friend. After all, we were friends before anything.
But I agree with tiki33, it may be impossible for me to revert back to that friendzone after already crossing the point of no return :/
Signed Up:
Aug 31, 2006Comments: 0 · Posts: 10616 · Topics: 40
But the thing is he knew the risk was he'd lose you if he didn't stop BS'n around with you and your feelings.
Let him FEEL THE LOSS, it's a BIG motivator to help a man have a more positive view of the woman he let go.
Loss leads a man to reevaluate his choices, feeling the heavy loss of a wonderful woman fucks with a mans head and in order for him to think about you as more than a friend he must get inside of himself FIRST before he can make a better more favorable decision.
What a lot of women lack is patience, she wants to hurry it up and that's the biggest mistake a woman can make because you end up falling back in the same ole pattern.
Be calm. Go on about your life. Get busy. Don't be available to an unavailable man. You must get out of your feelings on this one by reminding yourself being available to an unavailable man when it's convenient for him will not change things for you, it won't make your situation change.
You'll know when he's serious because he'll find you, he'll look for you, he'll open up to you if he's capable and maybe just maybe a more positive dialogue can take place.
The same feeling of loss you feel right now is the same feeling of loss he MUST inevitably feel in order for a more positive outcome to occur.