i dont understand my virgal.

I been browsing this board for a while and really enjoys the I insight from a lot of the contributors. I would really like to hear some of your wisdom on my particular situation. It's a long story but I will make it as brief as possible for full understanding. So I've been off and on with my virgal for about 5 years mostly due to my inability to fully commit and partially because of distance. However we have both been totally on for the last 2 years, living together and the whole nine. I guess everything began to go south about 1 year into out cohabitation. I began dealing with career change issues and family health issues. My sanity took a big hit and I honestly slacked off significantly to the point where I was not as affectionate and attentive to her as I should have been. She stuck by me through all of this knowing my situation but it took a toll on her and she became a bit distant but still letting her love peep through. After a year and me asking her does she think it's best if I leave to deal with my issues, she responded in so many words to do what's best for me. I decided to move out but honestly I miss her more than ever and now realize I could have resolved things differently by just explaing to her the stress I was under. I think she knew but I'm the type who doesn't really like to burden people with my issues. Basically she said she understood because she would have left a long time ago. I really miss being with her everyday but I think in some ways we did need a little space just to collect thoughts. My confusion with her is that she says she loves me and can't see her life without me but wants space to refocus on her and if I don't hear from her a few days not to worry. She just wanted to be clear that she does not want a relationship because she is tired of being disappointed by me and waiting for me to spend time with her. The funny thing is even after her saying she needs space is she texts me every morning. Even just yesterday she went shopping and bought me somethings Ive been wanting for a long time and offered to take me on trip for my birthday. I want to give her space but I don't want to give too much that she wanders possibly. I'm just baffled and confused. Push or pull. Shes a very upfront type of woman. One side of me thinks she wants me to show her more attention to prove I won't disappoint her anymore but the other things if I try to hard then I'll push her farther away. Totally in limbo. Any insight would be helpful.

Here's my thoughts for what it's worth. I don't expect everyone to agree.

I think that she does love you. I think this because it's been 5 years. That's a long time. I do think you've made some crucial mistakes though. When you were going through the tough time you shouldn't have pulled away. That would have said to me that we are not in a partnership. Instead that would have been a great opportunity to grow together and become a team of emotional support. Instead you basically said " I don't need you & I can handle this myself". Then when things got tough living together you reinforced that and she reciprocated. She seems to be trying to be there for you but you push away when it gets tough. She distances herself to process and analyze her feelings. This builds a wall internally so we don't continually get hurt.

You know what she wants and needs but your delivery pattern is a "day late" each time. She can't change that...you have to change it if you truly want to only want her.

What I hear form what you say about her is this: she wants your affection, attention, and companionship. What does that mean— That means physically and mental affection. Attention is that you want to spend quality time with her; meaning walks and talks about anything and everything that's on both your minds; being open. Companionship is being each other's best friend. Being the person each can lean on for support when life gets tough.

You have to make the decision here. Are you willing and able to give those things. Your window of opportunity will continue to close with her if you continue the same behavior. As a virgal I know we reciprocate. The more you push away when things get tough we do too.

My final thoughts...

You need to decide. If you can't give what she needs then let her go so she can find happiness. If you decide you can give these things then here's what to do...

Make a date night for one on one time. Not movies or where there is a load of people around. Something like and afternoon in the park or an evening on a beach. Prepare yourself to lay all your feels and emotions out there. On that date tell here you need to talk an you just want her to listen. Then, tell here the situations and where you know you want wrong and how you want to change the behavior because she's everything to you and want to build a lasting relationship with her. Now, realize she has to process the information. She will not do all that in front of you...we do this silently when we are alone. From here on out your actions will speak louder than words, and if you follow through, then her walls will come down.

Good luck to you. I hope this is helpful. I really do hope it works out.

Maybe try to be clearer about things. I.e. if she says she wants to spend time with you and you are busy, agree on specific days/weeknights when you will do stuff together. Some stuff can be at home (cooking, taking a bath together, massage, sex, gardening) but some stuff should also be outside (walk, museum, concert, restaurant - depends on her interests). If you live together you need to be even more careful about making your partner a priority and treating them well. She will still want to feel special.

I would say talk, but try to be really specific. Try to formulate verbally things you both would like, especially her, since she seems disappointed. I.e. I would like to go on a date outside once a week/ I would like your help with Y chore etc. Try not to have a huge list - focus instead on the main things which will make a difference in your day-to-day life. Then make sure you follow through with whatever you've agreed on.

It is not enough to tell her you love her. You have to show her it. Consistently!

You sound like a typical Cancer. You should review your shadow side and see how you affect others before you start to look for ways to manipulate others.

Once you understand your shadow side of your sign you can bettr explain yourself.

Oh and for your info. If she's a virgo she knows your shadow side well and she'll see through your BS. So straight and true dude.

*throws a t-shirt to the OP*

Join the ranks of the fallen.

Thanks for all of the responses. Just an update I recently found out she is with someone else now but said she thinks she made an rash decision and does not want to be there even though she is spending time. She said she knows there are no guarantees but if she knew I would not hurt her she would be with me and just wants to be happy. She wants to take me on trip for my birthday which is coming in June. I don't understand why she would o these things but yet spend her time elsewhere even when I offer to take her out. A big thing with her is that she has not met my parents. I'm going to to do a surprise visit and introduce her to my mother. Nothing formal just causal to let her know I'm serious about everything I'm saying to her. I hope it's not overboard but I want to show her with my actions rather than my words. No one has ever met my parents before so I'm hoping she'll understand it's a big deal.

I honestly think she is just occupying her time with this guy but she says she doesn't want to hurt either one of us and that I'm her soulmate and she doesn't throw that word around.