Need help with my Virgo man...again. 6 mnths later

Hi everyone. The last time I was here you all gave me amazing advice that worked... well I'm back and I need your help and guidance once more! I don't know what to do!! For my previous post last July, please read here: http://www.dxpnet.com/opinion/messages.asp?id=1349006<BR> I've been with Virgo man for almost 6 months. He really showed me that he loved me and was crazy about me. He has been VERY involved in my life and my children's lives and my parents/siblings life and even my extended family, etc... Our biggest problem (that he can't deal with at all anymore and broke up with me over it 2 days ago) is that he has this crazy jealousy/obsession about my ex-husband (father of my 4 children). He really has come to think/believe that I'm still in love with him!!! I am most definitely NOT in love with my ex. I do have a decent relationship with him for the children's sake... but my boyfriend doesn't see it that way. He makes things up in his head and it's really scary. I live in a very peaceful and positive-thinking way... the times I've talked about my ex, it wasn't a bash-fest at all, it was all positive traits that I appreciate for my children's sake. My ex is not the best 'ex', he doesn't pay child support and he doesn't help out much at all... but I've always felt that that's on him, not me... I'm going to keep to being pleasant and kind to give my children the best example and also to make sure that they grow up seeing their two parents put them first and our past issues aside for their sake.
When my boyfriend first came around I told him that I had a good relationship with my ex and he said that was wonderful, since the relationship with his ex is absolutely horrible. He was perfectly fine with my ex coming over for the kid's birthday parties, etc... but one day he called me out of the blue and asked me if I still loved my ex...?? I was shocked and said I absolutely do not love my ex, I love you!!! This is where it starts to get a little scary for me... He works midnights and he said he could hardly work because he would imagine that i would have my ex over at night while he was at work?!?!?! I did my best to assure him that I would never do that to him (but I was quite offended that he even considered I would do that!!!). A few weeks went by and he still couldn't get over that and it seemed that everytime my ex would see the kids or call the house my bf kept making things up and using it as 'evidence' in his head that I still...

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...loved him. He then went on to tell me that while he was convinced that I was sleeping with my ex he made a call to his ex and she helped to convince him that I was cheating and wanted to come see him next weekend. I did not know this until one day when I wend over to his house and really poured my heart to him about how much I loved him and that I did not love my ex... and then I left... well he called me about an hour later and confessed that he had called his ex but he swore that he called it off and only did it cause he was 'hurt'. I was very angry but did get over it. After that things seemed fine again... but only for a while.
Well... things only got worse with his jealousy. Anytime we argued it was about that issue. A few days ago my daughter was sick and her face swelled up so I was worried about her and did call her father to tell him what was going on since I had to take her for blood tests and different doctors. Well, he came by to see her...just for about 30 mins. My dad and brother were here as well as my mother and sister. My daughter was very happy to see her dad. That night my bf did not stay here. I talked to him on the phone but didn't bring up the visit until the next day when I talked to him on the phone. He didn't say anything about it and we kept talking. The next day was NYE so he came over with his daughter, my entire family was here and at midnight we all exchanged hugs. I went downstairs to get my phone charger and after that my bf was very distant...he did not come near me or touch me all night (very unlike him). The next night I went over to his house to watch a movie. We watched the movie and after that he starts telling me that he can't take it anymore and he is convinced that I"m in love with my ex and he accused me of hiding his visit from him until the next day and of sneaking a call to my ex when I was downstairs on NYE!!!!! He got very angry and said that he's not stupid and he knows that I still love him and that anyone that puts up with that situation is a complete idiot. I was very hurt and told him that it's not true... He wasn't having any of it. He said he couldn't put up with it anymore because he loved me so much but I was in love with another man. I kept telling him I loved him, not my ex... blah blah blah... I then asked him if he wanted to break up over it and he said yes. So I left. The next day I brought his stuff to his house and he wanted to keep arguing...

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...I told him that I loved him and there was no truth to what he thinks but there's nothing I can do since he already came up to his own conclusions. Shortly after I left. He called me on the phone to blame me again but I told him he I had heard enough and wanted to be alone...he hung up on me and I haven't hear from him since... (this was yesterday at 7:30pm). What do you think?? Do I give it time? I love him very much but don't know what I can do. I have been 100% loyal and faithful to him...but he doesn't believe it. Should I call him again or just let him be— Please help, any advice is appreciated. Thank you!!

oh thats terrible!!! There's nothing worse than a jealous and insecure partner. Im not going to give advice on Virgos as Im still learning so much myself but when somebody is so insecure it takes so much and so much time for them to get over that. Perhaps a break away from eachother is a good idea...its hard to say what he might be thinking..did his ex cheat on him? is there an underlying issue there?

Some of us are of the insecure kind.
We never believe we are good enough.

When is his exact birthdate?

It is clear he is deeply in love with you and he has been imagining you with your ex husband. This disgusts him beyond words.

He is afraid of what you could do to hurt him. It is in our nature to be negative and thorough with analysis.

That dad beat dad is useless and Virgo man will be quick to point that out.
He fails to see the importance of him and wishes that he could have been the only one for you.

I base this entirely on my recent understanding of relationships.... and myself...

thanks for replying. i truly appreciate it. keep it coming. his exact birthdate is august 24th 1976

i know he is afraid... he told me that he 'knows' we'll get back together one day and he'll be the one extremely hurt and alone in the end. i don't know what i can do to make him see that that will NOT happen!!!! i refuse to start being 'mean' to my ex for my bf's sake... it's not healthy for the children. i know what our arguing did to them when we broke up over 2 years ago and i promised i would keep the peace ever since, and i've done my best. now that i'm not with him i can see him as the father of my children and that's it... i was married to him for 10 years since i was 18 so there's a long history... and i know that my bf feels threatened by this, especially because we seem to get along well... sigh... i love my bf... i wish he believed me!!!

oh, i don't know if it helps, but my birthday is april 18 1978

riesfemale1978 I feel for you, your totally invested and I feel even more for your kids because he's now been in there lives for 6 months and if things don't work out, your teaching your kids although I'm sure not intentionally your teaching them that men LEAVE, they will have abandonment issues and most likely follow your example with significant others if you don't stop this NOW, I would suggest waiting at least 6 months to a year before introducing your kids to a potential love mate and that also gives you time to feel out the situation and explain your relationship with your kids father thus giving you an opportunity to see if he is capable of being a man and dealing with the fact that have a platonic relationship with the kids father, not every man can deal with it even when they say they can it's your responsibility to feel a potential partner out before allowing him in your kids life...

the thing about insecurities is that there is really nothing you can say or do, it gets worse and worse and worse no matter how much you say I love you, after awhile men like this don't hear anything but his own fears and jealousy, he has to trust you and he clearly doesn't and I promise you it has nothing to do with you or the way you behave, he clearly has some emotional baggage he's carrying around and that's something he has to deal with on his own.

If it were me I would find someone with stronger character that is okay with how you have chosen to allow your ex in your kids life despite his inability to pay child support, that says a lot about you as a person, this guy although is accepting of your kids isn't accepting of your choices and doesn't trust you....nothing you can do about it but choose to accept it, put up with it or leave him alone.

I hate to say this and perhaps there are good qualities of him that I don't know about, but to me this guy sounds like a potential abuser. Usually I'm on the side of Virgos, but like any other sign there are good and bad ones, or good ones that do bad things or are victims of mental illness or issues beyond their control. He is making this up with no evidence whatsoever, this is paranoia. And his refusal to believe you that there is nothing going on is an insult and a slap in the face to you. If he refuses to believe the truth, there is nothing good that can happen. I would break it off and not see him anymore. I know you will be sad and miss him, but for your own safety and your children, there's nothing else you can do. Maybe someday if he comes to his senses you can be back together again, but only if he does come to his senses and drops this ridiculous delusion for good. And he has to accept that your ex is part of your life, because of your children. If he can't accept it, then it's very sad but I don't think this relationship can be.

Athena

Sounds like a load of drama to me. Ive come to notice a bunch of them are insecure, particularly younger ones. This doesnt look like its going to work out because you still have to stay in contact for the kids and from my experience, when a virgo starts imagining negative stuff, it never stops. It always comes up some how, in some form and they wont quit. He must have observed some behavior you had with your ex that gave him this conclusion. You wont be able to convince him other wise. I dont know what to tell you, I never figured out how to solve this problem either. That was one issue I didn't understand how to fix. It was about something totally different and not my ex too.

You are better off ending it before the drama gets worse. Because I doubt he is going to let it go. Last thing you need is an insecure guy accusing you of sleeping with your ex all the time.

you know...if you are truly a mom who wants to do the right thing by her kids...why in the world would you ever introduce a bf to your children and involve them in his life BEFORE SIX MONTHS!!

you're right... i was just so sure of this... he isn't the first bf i've had since my separation and i did not introduce anyone else to my children. i'm very heartbroken. i thought if i explained the situation between my ex and myself to my bf from the beginning there would be no doubts about it. he seemed very supportive about it and really seemed to respect it at the beginning. i will be way more cautious next time around.

second...maybe you should take the dad to court fr child support. that would be fair to your children.

I did take him to court... but he is unemployed so all they did was give him a court order that he has to tell them within 10 days of starting a job so they can calculate child support. I did what I could. I need the money, but the children need their father in their lives regardless. He is not abusive to them or me, he's just broke.

I wanted to add that my bf is a single father and he too brought his daughter into our lives... he gave me the impression that he was as concerned about his daughter's well-being as I was my children's and he did not want to introduce his child to just 'anybody' as well. Believe me, it was hard for me to take that step and my children DO come first... I don't want to have to defend myself on that aspect on this board, or anywhere. I see what you're saying leokitten... and i learned a very valuable and painful lesson. I really love my bf... and i knew i did when i introduced him to my children and i truly felt that he loved me too and we were in this for the long run. if i had had any doubts or 'warning' signals i would have definitely waited, or broke it off. i explained everything to him thoroughly and told him that it may not be very 'conventional' in his eyes but i really needed him to understand that i know it's better for the children (and us as parents) to be on good terms... i told him i did a lot of healing through therapy, writing, reading, etc and i was not angry at my ex anymore and had completely moved on so i could be nice to the ex because i truly forgave and moved on. i don't mean to go on and on about it but i feel as though this thread could potentially turn from the original post into why i introduced him to my children and that's not what i intended it to be. thanks to all of you for your responses so far.
My questions, in a nutshell, were(from anyone who knows virgo males): DO YOU THINK HE WILL EVENTUALLY CALL ME? SHOULD I ATTEMPT TO CONTACT HIM OR LEAVE HIM ALONE? IF WE DO MAKE CONTACT, WHAT SHOULD MY APPROACH BE?

"""""""I do feel he is too insecure. You think maybe it had to do with his previous relationship(s)? Something must've happened that would shape him this way. Maybe one of his exes cheated on him with another ex."""""""

I don't know if anyone cheated on him before, he never said. We talked A LOT and he never mentioned that. What I do know is that he comes from a place where no one is nice to their ex's (children or not), including him (he has a horrible relationship with the mother of his daughter, cops involved and everything). The examples that he's had (according to him) is that there must be feelings if I'm willing to be this 'accomodating' to their father... but that's not the case with me at all. My children thrive and have no anxieties when their father comes around...they're all smiles! I can't imagine putting them through what we put them before my ex and i broke up (arguing all the time, etc).

I question your judgement, your being selfish and I don't say that to be disrespectful in any way, your so concerned about him, his feelings, this is a grown man, he was told day one how things were and are, he has now decided he can't deal with it so why would you care if he comes back? That to me is not healthy, he will never not be jealous, he's not abusive today but if he can't accept your choice to have your ex around then he could potentially become verbally abusive because of his jealous nature which leads to other toxic situations, this is your RED FLAG glaring in your face, why spend more time worrying about this guy, I know part of it is what hear a lot of women with kids say, it's hard to find a man that will accept a woman with kids or it's hard to meet men when the responsibilities of having kids takes over everything else unfortunately that's part of the deal yet there other men that are accepting of you as things are without the drama.

Your approach should be NOTHING, do nothing, you don't have the problem, he has the problem, he has to dig deep and accept your situation as it is or move on, being in love is not enough, he also has to RESPECT you and respect the choices you have made, it's not fair what he's doing and how he's behaving, he knew day 1 and he accepted it, now he's chosen not to accept it so the question is not what he wants and will he come back. The question is why do you want him back under those circumstances? He's not going to stop being jealous over night, him having a child he should understand how important it is to have a father in a child's life, he's being selfish, he truly is only thinking about himself...

If you change things to suit him then it will be other issues that you will have to change to make him happy, if he can't accept your life completely as it is then your answer should be good bye, you have kids to raise and a life to live, you don't need another child to rear up he's a grown man, he either man up or move on.

ariesfemale1978 ... virgo are possessive but rarely jaleous, however they grasp the human condition and they know that situations produce actions not only motivation

they also know that nothing is black and white but rather shades of grey, if you keep saying to him a million times that you don't love your ex he won't believe it because you do at some level have feelings for your ex, you met up at the age of 18 and been together for 10 years, do you think that ever clears up?

based in statistics alone he knows that something will happen between you two sooner or later, don't get me wrong I am not questioning your character but we are all humans who have moments of sheer vulnerability and we have to all be careful in entangled situations like yours

I think on some level you have to be honest with him and tell him that even though you have something towards your ex he is the only man in your life, then proceed to the next level which is make this a practical reality virgo hates abstract emotions, to them these emotion must reflect on the ground otherwise they are figments of imagination and will be shattered the moment trouble occurs

so you need to involve him in your life more, and the lives of your children, and you need to understand his possessiveness and try to minimise contact with your ex to the necessary not because you think you might be tempted but because you care about him, and are willing to deal with this flaw in him ... once you do that for a while he will voluntarily let go of his jealousy and you'd be surprised at the level of support he will show you then

six months is too short of a time for virgo to even know that you love him so you are still at the courting stage with him which you have to watch your actions very carefully

to sum up I think your actions don't seem to be matching your words to him and this is why he is confused and paranoid, also I think you are leaving him out of many details and this is the fuel for his imagination to fill the gaps with negative scenarios so make sure he know about more stuff

what i meant by involving him is involve him in activities where you and and your kids go to, i don't know about the specific details but he mustn't feel left out .. virgo won't be content with living on the side of someone's life for too long

it's not like he doesn't have fatherhood experience, he has a daughter after all and he is a single parent, that says volumes

she seems to want this to work out so I gave her one possible recipe it's up to her to take it or not, she never knows until she tries but she should always be looking for signs of trouble

I don't pretend to know what's good for others and you shouldn't do either LK, all you can do is show another way of looking at things and the decision is theirs at the end

AriesFemale asked advice about a virgo on a virgo board, and MrE gave it to her.
Relationships require compromise and sacrifice, and even risks.
From what I've seen of virgos what he is saying makes perfect sense. My good virgo friend goes out of his way to help his friends with their kids (me included). they love to help!

He's not helping her with his jealousy, he's causing drama

"i dont care if he is a virgo or whatever. there are good sensible rules out there about kids and introducing a bf or a gf to kids. it has nothing to do with astrology and everything to do with healthy parenting. but perhaps you think it is good her 4 kids got attached to some guy who now is acting like a pissant and is out of their lives. and then what about the next guy they meet? will they be so quick to attach to him...after all, he might soon be gone."



Perhaps. but astrology helps us understand each other a little better. It has helped me greatly in my relationships.
Ariesfemale should post on the relationship board for her advice and not ask the virgos.

that is a very pessimistic attitude to have. and it's not healthy to be thinking about failure and the next man. It is best to focus on making what you have work.

Also, I was not saying the children should not have a relationship with the father. Why should that change.
There needs to be boundaries between the exs. The children have their time with the father and the mother has her own time.
It is difficult having relationships when you are a single parent. There is much to juggle and many people to try and make happy, and that includes the woman.

But why are you even posting in a horoscope board then? why is she?

Im not putting down the pyshs. But I don't think you are one and neither am I, and neither is MrE. I don't think. lol.

We are just people offering our own opinions on what we have witnessed in our own lives is all. Ariesfemale needs to make her own decisions in the end, as we all do with the dramas of our lives.

Hi again. The reason I posted was because a lot of people on this board were key for me when I had issues before. Some of the behaviour of our astrological signs is very predictable and I do not know a lot about it but some people on this board do and they've really helped me to deal with certain situations a little differently than my impatient aries ways would have done! For example, what I really wanted to do last time (6 months ago) was call him right away and try to convince him that I was the one for him, lol... when I came on this board I was told a lot about how virgos would deal with that particular situation and I was advised to wait and he would call me... and you all were 100% right... had I jumped the gun and called him I think I would have appeared too pushy and not giving him the space he needed... I did not know that this is what virgos need... since all I know is how I like things and I like to have things solved "yesterday"...
I gave you all my story, including the children so you would see how deep our situation was and it was extremely relevant since it's their father he is crazy jealous over.
He truly is a wonderful person... this obsession of his obviously doesn't make him sound that way!! I'm not an idiot and I have a strong background in psychology and I didn't make any decision on a 'whim' and my life is basically drama-free and I have content and happy children who have me and their dad first in their lives and that's the most important thing to them. I told bf that I did not need a dad for my children, they already had a good one but I wanted him to be their friend. My ex had 2 kids before our 4 and they love me and I love them but I never tried to be their 'mother', just another adult that loved them and cared for them...
I came on this board and not the relationship board because I didn't know there was one on here! This is the board I got advise on before so I came back here again.
Please keep the advise coming and I'd like to ask leokitten to refrain from responding regarding the effect on my children since I'm their mother and do a damn good job raising them, nurturing them, feeding them, clothing them, sheltering them, protecting them, educating them and making sure they have a strong relationship with both parents... they truly are happy and very blessed. At this moment I'm very tender and heartbroken. I need good supportive people. I got that on here before and that's what I was looking for. Thank you

COMMON SENSE was not used in this area and although her intent may have been the best her motive was selfish now there is the whole well kids it didn't work out virgo man is no longer a part of our lives anymore...more disappointment for kids, I know aries said that she didn't want to make this issue a priority but it is, this is why kids come out so f*cked up because the parents want a relationship so dayum bad that they FAIL to recognize how it effects children. Women should use much more discretion and take at least 1 yr or longer before introducing children to significant others.

Bottom line is this, if she wants him in her life then be with him, deal with his jealousy the best way she can and don't worry about it. Do I feel this is a virgo thing, hell no, too many of us women blame star sign and it plays a small significant part but I guess some of us look at the bigger picture, his inability to cope is the bigger picture, him being a virgo doesn't mask the fact that he clearly can't cope with her choice to allow the kids father around despite his inability to pay child support which is something she probably shouldn't have revealed, I'm just thinking that aries allowed him into her life way too quickly, she exposed way too much of her personal business and now she's dealing with the aftermath....I hope she can work it out, I'm sure she can and probably will.

Aries if you really want him in your life, sit him down and lay some strong boundaries, the moment he breaks that boundary then you have to do something about it.

Apart from the kids - the kids is not what she was asking about, the kids may be fine with it, she was asking about the relationship between her and the Virgo. Him not believing her and acting so paranoid is not Virgo like and I've known a lot of Virgos. We are reasonable and not possessive. We may have feelings and impulses, but we are the first to doubt ourselves if those feelings don't make sense and try not to act on them. Sometimes even Virgos go out of control, and in my opinion that's where he is right now. I say wait till he comes to his senses, until then stay away. Self preservation comes first.

Athena

Here's a small update... can anyone offer advice?

After weeks of internal pain and heartache I felt way better and started living my life again. I "accepted" the fact that it was over and started to move on with my life... well guess what... lol... He called me on Tuesday this week just to see how I was doing... What?!?! lol It brought me right back to the feelings I had before. It was the first 'nice' conversation we've had since our breakup. We talked about what each has been up to, he told me that his daughter misses my children... We laughed lightly about stuff... and then I had to let him go because I was on my way out to do a workshop. We left it at "I hope you have a very nice day" and that was that. Since then I've been wondering what the heck that was about— I thought he hated me! lol I am very confused by this and don't know what to make of it. What do you think?

Thanks. My question today was basically what your thoughts were on WHY he decided to call me? That's all. I am not saying I'm getting back with him, and I wasn't asking what you thought about his 'crazy' behaviour back then... I wanted to tell you all that he took it upon himself to call me and was wondering if you all could tell me what you think as far as his 'virgo-ness' goes as to why he called me now and what he could be thinking. Is this typical of a virgo? Thank you.

He called because he wanted to call, not sure what you mean, can you elaborate what you hope he means by calling you?

I mean no one can say what he's thinking only he knows what he's thinking..

Something happened.

Virgo's are slow to pass judgement because of everthing that needs to be sorted out and put in place to make this assessment.

Somewhere along the way ... he was given an impression that there is more to what meets the eye.

I would think about that ^^^^^ if I were you, instead of why he decides to pick up a phone to talk to you about your day.

Him being paranoid, him calling you, him doing whatever it is he does, is one the surface >>> reactions which are being directed by an underlying cause which tell him to respond accordingly.


What happened?


I won't be led to believe that just one day out of the blue, a Virgo happened to just become jealous ... when his full logic and awareness for 6 months knew there was nothing to fear.

Bullshit.

Why don't you tell us what happened, so we can give you some real insight? As for this phone call .. again, reactionary .. he was thinking about you, and reacted to it

I would also like to interject on BPD as Beautiful Aries did. This is a crippling mental illness that has a very low success rate on treating it. Suicide rates are the highest for population at almost 20% with a 10-15% success rate after trying multiple times to harm one's self.

I am not saying he has this condition. The basis of this mental illness is constant perceived rejection, abandonment and paranoia usually stemming from an significant incident or incidences in early childhood (abuse mental/sexual).

Many who marry this type think they can quell the anger, mood swings, abuse and jekyll/hyde behavior that occurs in dating because they feel it will instill a calmness when security is given. You CANNOT fix this behavior, it takes years of medications and heavy counseling. I actually have a close Virgo friend in a relationship with a woman like this and 2 children.

He is maddened with anxiety, self-blame and regret for marrying her because the outbursts are frequent, highly emotional and sometimes physical. Children get pulled in as weapons by a BPD when they need to manipulate and always, always, ALWAYS have their way or there are "consequences" to the significant other, usually by surprise.

I am unsure if you know the reasons he is divorced. Perhaps his wife could not handle it anymore and left. The divorce rate for BPD is 90% !! Staggering numbers.

Unfortunately, this behavior seems on point with what Beautiful Aries is trying to convey above. This disease is common in women but also shows itself in men as well.

Again, I am not trying to say he has this condition. But I am a Virgo myself and understand 75% of our nature. I ask questions here too about my own sign. I realize Virgo men can be insecure and withhold emotions for protective reasons and negative analyzing sometimes, but you need to really assess this situation closely.

If you should find he does have this condition. I would suggest to you, that you move forward in another direction. It only gets worse sweetie. I mean that in a nice way.

BeautifulAries22 pretty much touched on this disorder in a very comprehendable way, I dated a guy with BPD and let's just say it didn't last very long and lemme tell you when he was on his manic high it was absolutely wonderful but soon the devaluing phase would follow suit and it's very very very hard, dayum near impossible to deal with, I found this link a long time ago and thought it may interest people that are married or dating a BPD personaility

http://www.marriedtomania.com

Also beautifularies you may have a point about bi-polar people being much more dangerous than borderline but from my own experience I borderline people just do a ton of stupid unexplainable things, like date your sisters husband or be in a serious relationship with a woman and date her ex girlfriend, invade your whole life only to discard when someone else shows up, complete liars as well they never tell the truth, I have read many many horror stories with borderline and they seem to be able to fool everyone and charm there way into anybodies life whereas bi-polar is just completely guarded all the time, they have these long drawn out phases of I hate you don't leave me kind of attitudes, when they are high they are God like but when they are low they are like the devil, paranoid plays a part as well if not treated, the devaluing stage is holy hell and can last for weeks which can entail serious mood swings and verbal and in some cases physical abuse. Personally I believe they are both equally destructive disorders just very different in how they deal with every day life.

Thanks to all the psychologists in the house for your diagnosis. I have known him personally for some time and can't say I agree 100% with your professional opinions. I am not making excuses for his behaviour... but I do know that sometimes people make mistakes and sometimes those mistakes are bigger than others.
I came on here, like I have in the past, to get insight on his sign attributes and tendencies. Of course if I came on the Virgo board, I was looking for answers from the astrological aspect... I do not base my entire life around this but it's helpful sometimes, as I have experienced in the past. I chose to share my story and my concerns, as well as some key aspects of his behaviour, to show you what the situation entailed on his part...as I do not understand why he came to those conclusions.
As far as to what happened to lead him to think that way... well, now that I have had some time to really think about it I can say that I am way too lenient and enabling of my exhusband... he gets away with everything and I'm always "ok" with it. It's not out of love for him but out of love for my children. I don't want to get into fights or arguments with him in front of them, and that is the only time I see him or talk to him. He is not a good provider and he has done a lot to mess up my life... yet I always think that 'at least he is there for the children'... I also can see my exhusband's potential and always hope that he gets his life in order to give a good example to our children. He is shacking up with a woman whom he had an affair on me with and I have decided to let it go and not make a big deal out of it... I understand that my boyfriend probably saw this as very strange and since there was no 'good explanation' for it, in his mind, he saw no other reason but that I must still be in love with my exhusband.
I can tell you that I am not even in 'like' with my ex! I want to have a good relationship with him, yes, but it's not because I love him... and since the breakup of my relationship with my boyfriend I can see that all of the crap I'm willing to put up with from my exhusband is only hurting me and my life!
My boyfriend and I have been broken up for over a month... in that time we have talked 6 times and each time was horrible and more anger came out. I decided to leave it alone and move on with my life and learn from this situation. I thought I would never hear from my boyfriend again, as he had asked me not to call him and

(continued from above)... he told me that he did not want to talk to me or be friends with me. So I did not make any attempts to contact him in about two weeks. Then he calls me out of the blue to see how I was doing, ask me what I have been up to, tells me that his daughter misses my children, tells me he's been bored, tells me that he thought him going back to work (he was laid off for a month) would have helped but it hasn't, etc.... then we had a few laughs and he tells me to have a wonderful day... so I got a little confused... and thought I would run it by you all to see what you thought... I wasn't saying that I was coming on here to get a definite answer as to why he called, but just opinions based on his sign. Obviously this is not something I use to sort out my life 100% but some people on here are amazing at knowing certain behaviours of certain signs and I thought I'd see what they thought.
I hope that cleared some stuff up...

virgogotme: THANK YOU! I do see what you are saying. This was my first relationship after my marriage ended over 2 years ago and I can see I made a lot of mistakes. I definitely accept that I am a divorced woman... I think my lack of experience and worry over the children made me oblivious to the obvious... I should have handled it in a different way. But I didn't... and I'm so very sorry because of it. I don't know if I'll be able to ever convey that to my exboyfriend... but I definitely learned a hard lesson on this one. It's a shame, my virgo and I got along amazing and had a great relationship with eachother... I know he still loves me... and I most definitely still love him and miss him like crazy. I don't think there's much I can do right now... every time I've tried to explain it to my bf it came out wrong and ended up making things worse... sigh. I thought I would just leave him alone and move on... but since he's called me it definitely stirred everything up again and I want to talk to him about it... but it was not brought up at all when he called me and our conversation was very nice and friendly so I was hoping we could build on that. But that was Tuesday and I have not heard from him since then. I told myself I would not contact him until he contacts me but now I'm confused as to whether or not I should call him.

beautifularies22: I'm sorry...It's not like me to be a smart-@ss... I was just a little frustrated that my post keeps on getting sidetracked from my original questions to numerous diagnosis about his behaviour. If you scroll through this thread you'll see that there's only a handful of posts out of the entire bunch that truly address the problem I was wanting advice about... it turned into a judge-me fest about having him around my children and then it turned into a 'i think he's clinically crazy' fest... so I guess I got slightly irritated and made a silly comment about it. I do apologize. Thanks for your input. It is very valuable.

"It all seems like some major head game. Maybe hes still involved with his ex and is merely projecting his shit on to you. Thats a more realistic situation. The entire point I was trying to make was not that he has BPD, just that his behavior is not normal or healthy and signifies something deeper going on."

I concur with this observation and I want to add that if a man wants to be in your life he will be in it and deal with whatever situation comes up, he has no proof of you sleeping around or wanting the ex back for the exception of his distorted ways of viewing things, he will help you understand his defensive stance and compromise, it just seems you went from one toxic man (ex husband) to another toxic man that can't deal with how you have chosen to deal with your ex husband, I'm sure this has taught you some painful lessons and maybe this will inspire you to do some things differently so as to when the next guy comes into your life things will be a bit better managed on your part as to not get the ex husband crossed with the current boyfriend.

I too have to say how your ex boyfriend is behaving is NOT normal, either he wanted out as to be single again to pursue other relationships or he wasn't prepared to deal with your life. As for calling, I wouldn't call him, he's pretty much doing things on his terms and part of his terms is not mending the relationship, let him come to you to mend things, less drama and more clarity

suggestion, try not talking about your ex husband at all, not about how he treated you while married, not about how he doesn't work or about how he's still around the kids, you may even want to get books about how to ease back into dating after divorce, there are just some issues that never need to be discussed no matter if your a year into a new relationship unless you know it's heading into possible marriage thus you will alleviate any future mishaps with your dating life, it really isn't anyones business how you choose to deal with your personal past life, keep your current life and past life separate

Thank you for being honest about what happened to make your Virgo feel threatened/insecure.

You have to keep in mind here .. just because you have made him feel this way by keeping your ex too close to your own heart for personal reasons, doesn't mean that he doesn't like you.

He is still calling ... he may be afraid of you hurting him, but, he's still interested, or he wouldn't be calling to check on you and the kids.

Why don't you try exing the ex, instead of keeping the ex as a constant in your life, for your own satisfaction, because you fear that if you don't ex him, then you might not be a good mother.

"for your own satisfaction, because you fear that if you don't ex him, then you might not be a good mother."


That was worded wrong .. because you fear that if you do ex him out of your life, then you might not be a good mother ... is what I meant to say.

Everytime you mention the ex being so close to you, you use the excuse of because of the kids .... so, really, you fear how you are going to be viewed by the kids if you ex your ex.

Just because kids are small people, doesn't mean they deserve to have the truth withheld from them, you know .. or deserve to have parents who are masquerading around as if everything is fine, when it isn't fine. In your concern to protect your children, you are actually decieving them.


Ex the ex ........

I AM LIVID!!!!!!!!! I can't believe what I just learned... I still have not talked to him but I'm so angry that I don't know if it's a good idea to... here it goes:
My sister called me today to tell me that my bf's ex-girlfriend had posted a crap-load of photos of her and my bf when they were together on facebook and she named the album '(his name) and I'... there were no recent pictures, they were all from before when they were together... but she posted them all on JANUARY 14th!?!?!? That's only a week and a half after him and I broke up!! I am sick and disgusted. Unless she's a complete psycho, she added those because they were either back together or working on it... This is ridiculous. I'm so sick to my stomach with anger at the thought that I've been sitting here wondering what I could do to make things better when he was the one who was being dishonest and sneaky with his ex!!! Ugh, I'm so upset. Let me tell you that I have learned way more than I had wanted to from this situation... but I'm thankful, nonetheless... I'm not going to have these feelings of guilt anymore... I can't believe he lied to me in that way and I believed him. SIGH. Live and learn. I want to scream. Thanks for letting me vent!!!

Oh, add to that the fact that I was out last night with a few girlfriends and he called my phone 6 times! I didn't know it because the music was loud and by the time I realized it, it was way too late to call back. He left a message just wanting to say hi and see what I was up to. wtf— He'll definitely be getting a very fiery ear-full if/when I do talk to him!!

Depends on where she posted these things. If it was on Myspace or facebook, and he is also on her friend's list, then her posting those pictures is probably with this guy's knowledge and he's probably okay with it. Likely he's been fooling around with her behind ariesfemale's back. I hate men like this.

It sounds suspect. At best, he led the ex on to believe that he was done with ariesfemale and wants to start up with her again. Very few women just out of the blue do stuff like post pics of their ex unless given some reason they think it's cool to do so.

i just talked to him... i was so angry and i said a lot. it definitely gave me closure... he said he had no idea why those pictures are up... he said he hadn't talked to her... but later in the conversation he 'slipped' and said he had talked to her since our breakup and that if she thinks they're getting back together there's nothing he can do about that. wow. i can't believe i was so oblivious to this! i can't believe how he turned everything around on me and made it seem like i had unresolved issues with my ex... but it was really HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wow... i need a huge break from all this crap. it definitely helps me to move on for good. thanks to everyone for offering your advice. it really helped me. now i need to think about all that happened and decide how not to get myself in this situation in the future...

the fact that these pics were up not even two weeks after we broke up made me angry. i know it was her... but i also know that he was in contact with her. she never had those pics up before. i know she probably did it to mess with me... but his story was very shady... he would say he has no idea why those pics were up, and then get defensive and say whatever happens after our breakup is none of my business. i told him that it's ironic that the reason we broke up was because he thought i was having feelings for my ex and then two weeks later there's a lover's lane album with him and his ex and his sister and family members are all commenting on it with 'aww, that's cute' and 'i miss you' blah blah. he said he agreed it was immature. whatever. you guys are right, i need to move on, too much craziness with this guy... and they're obviously not over eachother to be back in eachother's life like that again so quickly! all i can say is: wow... my eyes are open and i can finally see. i feel better, but very sad at the same time...

Why are some of you making excuses for her ex boyfriend? Everyone knows when a person post pictures up on myspace and facebook IT MEANS SOMETHING and if you don't know now you know, as I pointed out before either he wanted out as to be single again to pursue other relationships or couldn't deal with how you chose to manage your affairs with your ex husband and now it seems he was attempting to distance himself due to his feelings for his ex so he assumed you too was doing the same thing with your ex which I still believe is BS, I believe he was seduced back into that relationship with his ex and didn't have the BALLS to tell you that he was no longer interested in having a relationship and I also believe that him and his ex never really put closure on that relationship, I believe it was beautifularies that said he was projecting and that seems be exactly what he was doing...I would move on, he's a clown

Um... lol... The fact is that I have absolutely no feelings for my exhusband... and I AM a divorced woman... We have four children together and he was around sometimes, big deal. I will probably do things differently in the future but I know a many people in similar situations... the mature adults handle the exes (parent to their children) in a very accepting way... so maybe I figured he would understand, but I was wrong. I didn't expect him to go 'crazy' with it the way he did, or accuse me of wanting to get back with my ex...going on and on about how I'd probably go and talk to him about this (yeah, right, lol)... only to turn around less than two weeks later (when we were still actively talking to one another) to get back with his ex (or give her hopes of this happening). It's ironic and very hypocritical... and shows me who REALLY had the issues with their EX (again, HIM!!!). That's why it was a big deal to me... if it had been even a month later or some other girl then I would not have reacted that way... but it hit me very hard due to the circumstances of our breakup.
virgogotme: your posts lead me to believe that you have acted in a similar way as my exbf and are making excuses for your/his behaviour. Or that you put up with people lying to you and accusing you time and time again. I am very forgiving, but not stupid. What happened is not 'right' and it definitely wasn't fair. But I don't think you'll see it at all from anyone else's point of view but your own (and my exbf's).

A week isn't long enough .... come back in a month after being over him and re-read what you've written.

It's obvious that you are putting ALL blame to one side, and not holding yourself accountable for anything that took part in the relationship problems.

It's not about excuses, Ariesfemale, which is what you are inferring in your post above ... that everything that happens to a person has to have a blame or excuse on the other person .... and the fact that all blame never belongs to the other person exclusively, when there are two people in a relationship is the whole point in which you are missing .... and are now putting all blame onto him ..

.. as if you haven't spent 6 months with your ex-lover close to your heart, to share with your kids.

You've flown right over that ^^^^^^^ and are now putting ALL blame onto him as if you've done nothing wrong and he's done everything wrong.


I understand your anger .. however, you are being one-sided which will provide you with NO personal growth for a better future because you aren't looking at this maturely ... that's why it was said to you to come back later, after you've gotten over this to read what you have written.

Thanks for the comments. I do understand... really... I have already taken many steps towards complete separation from my exhusband, it's very different now than it was before (he does not come over, etc) and I have set boundaries that should have been in place before... I learned a lot from this and I am doing what I can to fix my life in order to be a better person in the present and in the future. What I meant about how others that I know dealt with their exes in a similar way was this: that's the only examples I had...and I had never done this before... I thought I was doing the right thing and I did not want to hurt my bf. I was thinking about my children but I was not looking at it from every angle... I was looking at it from my point of view and from what I had seen that had worked for others in the past. This, obviously did not work for me or my bf. I was very upset about him thinking that I had feelings for my exhb because I honestly do not! But I see how it could have been perceived that way, as I mentioned in a few posts on here.
The comments as of last night were out of anger and deep hurt. It was very shocking to me and I felt horrible, so I came here and vented instead of venting to him or anyone else. When I talked to him it was a conversation, not an argument... there was no yelling or acussations, I asked him and he contradicted himself a lot. I should have waited until I wasn't so angry and then I probably wouldn't have called him at all... but I guess my impatience is something I need to work on also!! Same with impulsiveness, lol.
I am thankful that I found this board because it's helpful to come here and 'talk' about it. It really does help me to see it all out here so I can analyze my actions and having your comments really does help me to dig deeper within myself to see things that I may have missed.
I appreciate it and I welcome more comments. I did not realize how fearful I was and how afraid of 'failing' I was... I ended up doing things all wrong. The best lessons I've learned have been this way, though, *sigh*. I must learn to listen and think things through from every angle...and excercise patience!!! lol That's a hard one for me.