Slow, Slow, Slow

This topic was created in the Virgo forum by Chatz on Friday, January 9, 2009 and has 35 replies.
OK well Im not sure if I should pursue Virgo any further. We have been "dating" for around 2 months now and he went away interstate for a week....since then its been ok, we communicate daily via a chat program at work and we spent Wednesday night together and he invited me to his work lunch which was nice yesterday.
BUT he has made no plans with me for the weekend....WTF? he's been gone for a week and then plans nothing with me? I know he was meant to see his wife's family at some point and that may be the reason and doesnt want to tell me (remember she passed away a few years back). He knows it would be upsetting for him and as he said "I go backwards by 2 years when I see them" but after all the great things he has done such as remove her photos (which I would never have asked or expected), he's been sweet and genuine (so I believe), he's been attentative, interesting to talk with yada yada but this quietness on the weekend again after his week away? deafening.
Should I be concerned? Although I still believe he's very genuine I am starting to think that now that he's gotten the physical side to us he's no longer interested in pursuing more.
But honestly, Ive known him for 5 years, weve been friends for around 2 years, we've been getting closer for 4 months and took it to the next level mid December.....am I reading too much into this? I dont want to waste another year pursuing something that is merely a FWB.
He's so slow at the best of times but I feel he's taking us backwards right now
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Dont worry until there is something to worry about. Patience young one. Patience. Let it be. Im sure he will be back again. Enjoy your weekend.
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Slow motion for me, slow motion for me, move in slow motion for me,
Slow motion for me, slow motion for me, move in slow motion for me
Uhhh, I like it like that, she working that back, I don't know how to act,
Slow motion for me, slow motion for me, Slow motion for me, move in slow motion for me,
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why not take the lead this time Chatz, you plan something for you two this w/e .. a movie night at your place, you cook something and ask him to bring a good bottle
then later at night you slip into something red and silky and god help the poor fella ... ooo a better idea, slip into a blue dress and dance to slow motion for him
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that was Wednesday - it was all my instigation and it was an awesome night, something we giggled about yesterday at lunch and others didnt know what we were on about - thankfully.
I cant make all the moves though surely?
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He does this hot hot hot thing and then goes so terribly cold....his final message on our chat thing at work yesterday was "have a wonderful weekend, take care smile"
Blah!!!
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or go out dancing
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Yep with my girlfriends I think smile
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ok I was right, he spent most of today with his inlaws who have made it difficult for him again (his words)....they break down and then in turn he does.....he said he's "having a very upsetting day"...I understand it all completely and just sent a text saying "here if you need a shoulder, anytime"....he wrote back "thank you, I might take that up some time"...so I gather he wants nobody around and will leave him to play his online games (computer games) which seem to make things a little easier for him when he's down.
I offered, I care and I am genuine but I'll leave him be and let him come back to me. I wish though, that he'd just open up more and let me know so I dont worry about things....its like he's trying to keep her out of everything to do with us as if it will upset me but him hiding it upsets me more.
As much as I dont want to be his leaning post forever and a day I do understand what he's going through...it would be painful to face the parents and brother of the woman you dearly loved but was taken from you....how hard is that to take? I would imagine, excruciating.
Not sure if Im cut out though, having said all the above (and I really do care about him), whether I can compete with her memory as he cant seem to move forward and yes I understand that also.
What more can I do to let him know I understand and care but also love him and would like to build a future with him too? Is it too soon? is it all a case of wrong timing for him? One day he seems so keen, the next he does also and then a day in amongst it he is so distant. Im a Leo and when I fall, I fall hard but Im trying so very hard to keep those emotions in check just in case he flies away and blames grief and/or guilt as his excuse Sad
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then tell him how his behaviour makes you feel Chatz, if you care about him tell him that you want to be there for him and that you are hurt when he "seemingly" closes himself to you
as a virgo he might not know that, I was guilty of it before, us virgos get so used to dealing with our problems by ourselves that we end up concealing everything to the rest of the world including the ones we are supposed to share ourselves with
you should go slowly as you said but do let him know how that makes you feel, but do it in an emotionally controlled and calm way and know when to stop, hell you're a leo you can even stand an argument about this ... everybody has their own rhythm but believe me a virgo will note this down and he will go to business sorting this part of him out and that's where virgo love comes alive, when he tries to change things about him which might hurt you
good luck

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Who you wit ? I'm in a rental today,
Its going down at the Hamptown Inn and I remember the way,
Less money we spend on bullshit, the more for the weed
Whats it gonna take for you to come in slow motion with me like,
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Yeah did the girlfriend thing - it helped.
And yes I will probably say something but keep it sweet....I do want to be there for him but I feel he's just not ready at this point and I'll probably even say that. Not sure yet but I cant go on wondering where I stand.
I know he's trying but going back all the time isnt going to help him as much as I dont want him to let go totally. I dunno, we'll see but Im just keeping busy - my car and house have never looked cleaner!!! Im sure he'll love that LOL
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OK UPDATE: Was chatting with Virgo yesterday and he wasnt in the best way and it ends up that he spent the entire weekend grieving over his wife and from what I can see, its going to take a few more days. He didnt remember that I was going away for the next few days which means he doesnt give a hoot as to what I do, he didnt ask what I got up to over the weekend and then he also told me that he's going to go fishing/camping (which, yes is his right) on the long weekend coming up in 2 weeks.
I ended up telling him that I felt he was giving me the cold shoulder and the chat wasnt the best. He was shocked to think he was doing that but I left the ball in his court and said..."If you want to catch up and just hang out you know how to reach me, it'd be nice to talk but I'll leave it up to you"....I cant do more than that and as of today Im going to start detaching (by going away).
Im not about to tell him how I feel, not now because I know the feelings arent reciprocated and if it takes him 3 or 4 days to get over seeing his inlaws after 3 years? its not going to get easier any time soon and he's just not ready.
He probably won't call or text or anything and things will probably cool down dramatically at work when I get back so Im preparing for that. He hasnt asked me to do anything since he went away at Xmas and its just been me who texted while he was away, its been me who invited him over last week but he's done nothing since Xmas.
Guess I have my answer - sorry guys, I thought he was on the same page as me.
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thats it! you're giving up that easily on him? what does that tell him about your fighter spirit?
have you had a big argument yet? if not I don't think this has ended
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I've posted this before, but it really fits Scorpio (and most other Signs from the sound of it on DXP) versus Virgo pacing...
Imagine My Scorpio Singing:
I'm gonna make one hour into just a few minutes
I'm gonna get two days for the price of one
There's a one word rhyme and that's called living
There's a one word love means plenty of giving
I'm gonna give it 'til I'm done
You say it'll take you a year - I say just take me a second
But there's room for both of us - just open the room
You know a year of time sees so many changes
And the speed of light in the black of night
Makes a full moon...
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DyarStra?e ...
as always you made your point crystal clear ...
and you are so right !
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Chatz, I feel for you, I know what you going thru, that is what lead me here lol. I met virgo guy about 2 yrs ago, long distance. he was so into me, like u say hot hot, then went cold, i think the distance might have been a factor but that has a solution. they get scared, analyze everything, they have to be 150% sure of u, and even tho u have been friends, now the relationship is taking a turn. my advice the virgo men..PACE urself, ur heart, enjoy life, dont let him be the center of ur universe, just part of it. trust me, with virgos u must be patient. they may be worth it in the end, as i was told, but the journey can be frustrating at times. its all upto u..i havent given up, he disappeared, then emailed me some mushy stuff, i am confused, maybe its just to see where i stand with him. if u love him, and think he is worth it, hang in there, but its not fair for those of us who are waiting and not even sure what they want. i decided if he pulls this again, as virgo men are famous for, i will straight up ask him, without scaring him. i wont wait years for a man to come forward, no way, and i suggest u dont either. u must let them know this, if they think ur a "security blanket" then ur done, he will take forever. let me know in a subtle way u dont wait around forever. its only been 2 months for u, so its too premature.
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Thanks all, Im just letting him come to me when he's ready. He's going through something that he doesnt want me to be a part of. I have to accept that and wait til he's ready to come out of his shell. Yes he's worth waiting for but Im not sure he wants me to.
We'll see. I just miss what he was giving and out of nowhere he's not giving anything but distance.
We'll see smile
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furryleo dont think that Im sitting at home waiting for him because after Libra? I learnt never to do that again but it does sadden me that he has behaved this way. Im thinking 4 odd days to grieve yet again? its just not the right time for him and I may have even been that stepping stone he needed to date others........I do believe I was the first one since his wife passed due to his incredible nervousness and not for one moment do I think he's a player, but perhaps it was in actual fact wrong timing for us as a couple.
As I said, Im going to give him that space and allow him to come to me and explain his distance (if he sees what he has been like) and if not? thats ok, I'll just get on with life.
At the moment I do feel hurt and like it was just the thrill of the chase, he caught me, got what he wanted and content with that but that may just very well be my perception and yes the thought hurts terribly but for now I'll give him the benefit of the doubt as I truly dont believe he's that man. I dont think Ive been played (I should know all the signs for goodness sake, Ive been there enough times) but I dont think he's ready for more than friendship but I am.
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furryleo, i havent been waiting 2 yrs. the distance has affected the relationship blossoming, but by no means im sitting around waiting for him or any man. i continue to live my life, and admit that i am hopeful, but as the old saying goes..set it free, if it comes back then its meant to be. i urge all females to watch, The Women. its a lesson for most of us. i was only giving advice to Chatz, b/c i know how frustrating virgo men can be at times, and even tho i have read that u must be patient, i dont think its fair. so what r we supposeed to do, sit around and suffer, while they try to figure things out? NO WAY!!! life is too short.
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amen!! and THAT is why him and I are catching up over lunch tomorrow...he's aware of how I feel he has been shutting me out/being a tad cold. I asked him if he regretted what has happened between us. He was eager to catch up for lunch so I guess tomorrow will tell me the story a little better...he did say "lunch would be great, I dont for one moment regret what we've been doing and Im really sorry if you feel Ive been cold, I didnt think I was being that way but we can talk tomorrow".
I dread it but at least I can tell him that perhaps Ive gotten more feelings for him than he has for me and that its probably best if we just cool it down and just remain friends because afterall we do work at the same place, although in different buildings on opposite sides of the property (which is good). I still believe that if you like somebody and/or have some feelings for them (which I know he has) you'd want to spend time with them getting to know them better, not telling that person you'll be spending the long weekend coming up (Im in Australia) with the boys fishing and camping after spending the previous weekend grieving over his wife again. Thats NOT conducive of a good relationship in the making. Ive worked it out that we've been "seeing one another" for 8 weeks (did my math) and thats enough time to know if you feel something.
There will be no ultimatums, no expectations but a gentle break if he does not feel the same way. I dont want to be the "funtime girl" if he's not in it to find if there can be more. I know 8 weeks is not that long but Ive played this game too many times with men before just to be given the boot when something better comes along. Although I dont believe he is that way, I still deserve and need to know where I do stand. I want a man who wants only one woman in his bed and one woman to date at any given time. I dont want to wonder, I dont want to fear and I dont want to hurt.
I think that's fair. How Im going to word it to him is another matter....emotions have to be removed somehow and just say it how it is and try to enjoy the food we'll be consuming without throwing up from fearing the worst.
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Aaaaaaaand he has the privilige of 24 hours to think about the whole sitation (but knowing men?? he probably wont give it a moments thought) and prepare himself and maybe even allow him to break it off with me. Thats most likely going to be the case as he will probably feel pressured to make a decision which isnt the case.
I just deserve to know if IM the only one he's seeing and why suddenly since his return back he has limited our time together and made not even a simple effort to catch up since we spent last Wednesday together apart from inviting me to a lunch with his mates at work. I guess that was a little effort but thats been it? It doesnt look good from where I sit Sad
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Evan_Kahn (aka Shaks): that is why some are mystery to others. You may not know gonzales maybe and derive to conclusions through your own experiences, which is usually mis-aimed.
Common denominator here is time. Virgo has plenty becoz his mind he has learned to manipulate, mi churitto.

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Oops, hit the send key with nothing in it - blah
UPDATE: Well Virgo and I had "the talk'....it was kept nice and friendly and I started it by saying "Im sure you're wondering why I asked you to talk" and he went on to say "Im not sure what it is that you want from me and to be honest Im petrified of getting into a relationship, yada yada yada". I basically told him that I didnt do the casual thing well, that I wasnt wired for it, that it was work-related and all that, that I needed to know if I was one of more/many, whether he was dating others, etc"....he was INCREDIBLY honest and those eyes? OMG I think he was about to cry Sad
He told me that he wasnt seeing anybody (and I didnt think he was), that he wasnt sleeping with anybody, that he still hadnt even put the clothes away from his wife, that he has basically left the house as it is and knows he has to do it as its been well over 2 years and unhealthy. He said "Im sorry if I have hurt you, Im really messed up I guess, I just didnt know til now"....Anyway we went on to talk a little more about it and he'd like to still see me, do things, hang out and see where things go and I agreed.
I wasnt sure as to what to think after the talk but when we got back to our respective offices he still wanted to chat and then overnight he must have truly thought about it and he was even more chirpier than ever and then out of nowhere he asked whether I'd like to come along to his camping trip (for a day at the beach) next weekend..WTF? now he wants to invite me out to meet friends and spend quality time together? NOW? I dont get that. I said I would let him know because I feel its only because I told him that he had been acting a little cold towards me...I dont want him feeling sorry for me or anything like that so I'll feel things out a little more next week when we chat. I know he wanted to catch up this weekend but without him actually saying it Im not going to make any moves....I put my heart on the line now so its only fair he does some work too.
At the end of the day I still have a wonderful friend who wants to hang out and see where things go but it also means Id be stuck hoping/waiting for something that may never happen and in the meantime not date others....I guess if he really wanted to be with me he'd move heaven and earth to do so and he wouldnt be able to keep his hands off of me, etc, etc.
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He is not the kind of man I would normally be attracted to and Im not the kind of woman that would normally be attracted to him.....but we had built up an amazing friendship over the past year and thats what its really about.
If I dont get the guy so be it, Id hate to lose his friendship but at the end of the day it was always going to hurt if/when we decided to stop seeing one another. Its obvious to me that neither of us want that but what to do now? who knows.
He needs to remove his wife's belongings or he will never move on but its not up to me to tell him to do that..he needs to do that himself because he knows its holding him back...It surprises me greatly that none of his friends or family have suggested and/or helped him do that. He is a very private person but it pains me to see him hanging on so tight.
To think when my father died, my brother helped my mum immediately remove all of his clothing, they took it to charity, etc. I didnt understand the rush but it seemed to truly help her move on much sooner (not that she's found a replacement but that she could start being herself).
Im not sure what more I can do for this Virgo except just go to any invitations he makes, be myself, give him space and keep living my life. I know he has feelings for me but he's going to have to work out what to do himself....and I think Ive sown that seed perhaps. He probably realises that I will walk away in time and the reason why....not because I dont care for him but I cant compete with his perfect dead wife (God that sounds awful but I dont mean it that way)....argghhhh!!!! By the way she was a Virgo too (his perfect match).
What to do? call it quits? keep hanging out and see where it goes? keep dating others?
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OMG no way, I wouldnt move his wife's things..thats something HE has to do. No way, no way, no way - that would creep me out
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yeah I probably was his first "real" dating experience. I do know he was on a singles site looking for dates and I know that he even went out a few times with different women (none of them were to his taste and one even stood him up)...I think I am his first intimate experience since his wife's passing and so yes you're probably right, until I have come along he just never realised he was THAT messed up - and I cant say he's messed up in many ways, just personally destroyed by his wife's passing....even he said "ive held on way too long, I know"......it will take him much much longer than a weekend but I can see he's already doing the analyzing and perhaps Ive done something good for him by doing so. I may not get the guy but perhaps Ive helped him in some way smile
I probably will start dating again in time, Im just jaded from it all though, its just all too hard so Ive decided to keep seeing him as friends and throw myself into work for a while....I'll be travelling interstate a couple of times in the next month for a week at a time...that'll do me good to get away from him and everything I guess. Perhaps meet some nice businessmen along the way LOL. But having said that, I really do like the Virgo, we get along so well and Im glad that we had the talk, glad it was kept calm and peaceful and no finger pointing, etc. He really does bring out the best side to me - I could not be angry at him as he hasnt meant to hurt me and he probably didnt even realise that I had feelings for him but now he knows, he can do what he sees fit with it but one thing I do know, he wont stomp all over my feelings unlike the last couple of guys.
So that's that.....we shall see but no longer will I sit around wondering, now I at least know smile
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Chatz, I agree with furryleo. he clearly isnt ready. he hasnt let go of the past to allow a future with you. I do think he has feelings, and maybe feels guilty in some sort of way. this may sound weird, but almost betraying his wife, even tho she isnt around anymore. its obviously very rough on him if he still has her clothes. let him know, as a friend, that isnt healthy. but like you said he needs to make that decision on his own. i would even urge him to move to anothe residence.start a new life, too many memories there. he definetly needs time, but how much are u willing to wait? its not fair to u as well. he doesnt want to let u go, but he isnt ready to commit. its a tough one, stay open to meeting others and see what happens. try to pace urself, regardless of the circumstances, virgos are slow. i am trying to be patient with mine but will only give him so much more time before i move on. he divorced about 4 ys ago and i think he is still dealing with trust issues.
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Chatz, I agree with furryleo. he clearly isnt ready. he hasnt let go of the past to allow a future with you. I do think he has feelings, and maybe feels guilty in some sort of way. this may sound weird, but almost betraying his wife, even tho she isnt around anymore. its obviously very rough on him if he still has her clothes. let him know, as a friend, that isnt healthy. but like you said he needs to make that decision on his own. i would even urge him to move to anothe residence.start a new life, too many memories there. he definetly needs time, but how much are u willing to wait? its not fair to u as well. he doesnt want to let u go, but he isnt ready to commit. its a tough one, stay open to meeting others and see what happens. try to pace urself, regardless of the circumstances, virgos are slow. i am trying to be patient with mine but will only give him so much more time before i move on. he divorced about 4 ys ago and i think he is still dealing with trust issues.
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thank you - yes Ive made that decision today and already put wheels in motion for the next week - just planning my nights and next weekend ahead of time. Even though Virgo has now invited me to his camping trip (after our talk) I think you're right, that he doesnt want to let go of me but he doesnt know what to do with me either....I gotta keep going out there and EVERYBODY says date, date, date, that its not wrong so I will be....I cant wait for him to get over a ghost as bad as that sounds.
He has spoken of selling his house, as beautiful as it is but I dont think he knows what he wants right now. And yessssssssss keeping her stuff is not healthy and Im sure she wouldnt have wanted him to do so. Im sure they got to say everything (well most things) that they had to say to one another before her passing (it was a long drawn out illness from what I can gather).
I guess I just fell for the wrong guy again. I'll remain friends with him but will probably slowly fade away in the background in time. We'll see what time brings but he admits he's "messed up" and I dont want to be the one to fix another just to be dumped when something better comes along yet again. I really really like the man and want to be there but Id be the wrong person for him to lean on. He's changed (for the better) since our talk but we'll see where that goes.
Been doing a lot of thinking today and I wont be hasty but I need to protect my own heart Sad
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You gave him the nookie?
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Poor guy. Sad Imagine losing a spouse. Sad How did she die?
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Yeah it is sad, it would be tragic...she caught a disease she was working on in a laboratory so yes its a terrible loss...it will take so much time for him to get over it still.
yes I did sleep with him - I have known him for the past few years, we have been good friends, he is the one who pursued me, our friendship grew over the past few months into something more....so I thought.
Yes i feel horrible that he would feel guilt now, that he would regret it all....yes I do.
He's sorry he may have hurt me and Im sorry I got attached. Yes its all very tragic
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"he would feel guilt now, that he would regret it all....yes I do."
this is nothing but nature.
Sometime he feels guilt sometimes he wants to start something new.
And at the end he will start something new. And even when he starts something new he will keep thinking of her every now and then. the show must go on.
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thanks all......you have cleared my head and yes its time to let go of a romantic interest in him.....he's only asking me to be "friends, see where it goes" coz he's not ready to let go of the lifeline I give him, the distraction as was put.
I understand his grief and yes the show must go on for everybody....everybody has pain from previous loves and losses but he cant seem to let go - having her clothes in the cupboard for the past 2 years is not going to help either. No woman can ever get in while he's holding on that tight.
I see it all now - thank you. I will be his friend but I need to remove my emotions first and he will need to understand that and I will be honest with him that that is what I have to do....Im sure he will understand smile
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