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Sep 19, 2013Comments: 0 · Posts: 187 · Topics: 14
I'm a leo and am dating this virgo guy for almost 2 months now and we got along very well. He said he is not looking for something exclusive after a few dates and so I kinda pulled back and didn't txt much unlike before. And then he would suddenly message me with random things like past 1 am and ofcourse I'll reply late and am still weirded out by him txting so early. And then he asked me out for dinner and specifically told me to wear a dress. So I did wear a dress and during the date he became sweet and clingy. We suddenly took long walks and would ocassionaly stopover and he would ask me to sit inbetween his legs(like what couples do when the sit and embrace eachother) I was surprised with his actions and just went with the flow. He then went on a vacation in brisbane for ten days. I did txt him twice asking abt his adventures and he'll reply after a few days. And then suddenly he txted me past 2am and then 8am he said he was drunk when he txted and he suddenly just updated me with his itinerary. And then he suddenly said he will.fly back that night and if I have plans tomorrow. So when he landed he immediately txted me and asked where I was. He became a bit demanding and clingy. When we saw eachother,he suddenly hugged me tightly and i was surprised. And then when we sleep together and I will just move a bit or go to the toilet,he always get woken up and asks where am I going.
I am surprised coz he said nothing exclusibe but hw is behaving like he is falling for me...
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Jun 07, 2018Comments: 34 · Posts: 303 · Topics: 3
Careful girl....
If we say nothing exclusive we assume no matter how lovey dovey we act....u remember wat we said.
Careful!!!!! Protect ur ❤️ 👌🏽👌🏽
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May 15, 2018Comments: 574 · Posts: 1765 · Topics: 0
you're assuming his actions are a sign of him "falling" for you, unless he update that non exclusive thingy, he have an excuse if he meet someone else he kinda likes, so that's the point of saying that in the first place.
also, common it just 2 months, who knows how it's going to end
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Dec 30, 2015Comments: 1548 · Posts: 2885 · Topics: 35
Love stories mmmm, gimme some more. I'll be checking for updates
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Aug 31, 2006Comments: 0 · Posts: 10616 · Topics: 40
He's made it clear about what he wants with you and if you respond to him and show up on dates AFTER he's made it clear he doesn't desire exclusivity with you then you're agreeing with him because if you didn't agree with his terms you wouldn't respond to text nor go out on dates. Now that you're on the same page he can freely be affectionate without the pressure of being exclusive with you.
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Jun 20, 2014Comments: 1 · Posts: 3847 · Topics: 1
I was reading your post and it was going reasonably OK until I got to the 'we slept together' bit...
He told you after a few dates he wasn't looking for anything exclusive. I don't know how you met or what you both said you were looking for but if a man says he's not looking for anything exclusive yet you are looking for an exclusive relationship then it's not a match. The correct action here at this point would have been to thank him for his time thus far and bid him goodbye.
If you're Internet dating then it is helpful to have other options during the initial dating stage. Sort through profiles and messages, respond to the ones who are suitable, continue exchanging messages and find out as much info about them and their intention within a few days before meeting them for a date. Only date the ones who say they are looking for a relationship (if that's what you want too). Bin the ones who do not match what you're looking for. Two dates is normal, three dates let's you really see more about the person plus its a good chance to see if their words are the same as their actions such as if they really do want a relationship or if they were chancing their arm or lying. A good vetting process saves time wasting and heart ache later on.
In your current case, you're accepting the deal he offered you. Just because he asks you out or texts you in the early hours it doesn't meal the terms and conditions have suddenly changed from. You are still on the non exclusive contract, not the girlfriend contract.
What exactly did he mean by his non exclusive? That he didn't want a relationship at all? He wanted to fuck other women while fucking you too? Those are my two guesses. I doubt he meant he wanted to date in order to get to know you with a view of having an exclusive relationship (either with you or someone else). You're a Leo. Don't accept the shit contract in the hope it gets exchanged for a better one. It happens but it's the exception, not the rule.
I would clarify if his 'not looking for exclusivity' has changed. If it hasn't then tell him that as you are looking for a more exclusive relationship that you do not wish to continue with him. If it has changed then it would be a good time to discuss exclusivity etc to ensure you're on the same page.
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Sep 19, 2013Comments: 0 · Posts: 187 · Topics: 14
We.met on tinder..after the firdt date he kept messaging me even if I went back to my country for holiday,he was updating me with his life..I didn't think too much and just replied. Whenever I ignore him,he keeps wanting to get my attention. Then he asked me out with his friends,played video games,watched movies etc..and then he thought I was active on tinder so he dated another person (same ethnicity as me) coz he thought I was dsting somebody else..but I wasn't. And he said he was sorry.
And then the talk came so we can clear things out. He said he likes me and my company but the nature of his work he travels and gets.assigned somewhere else after a few months,so that is why he is not looking for anything exclusive and has been single for 3yrs.
After.the talk he became more relaxed and yes,affectionate and I was surprised at this. I did say that I am just.gping with the flow and not expecting anything
But then when I didn't message him anymore coz of what he said (as a leo we can't accept defeat infront of the opponent so I just acted.out cool when he said he aint looking for exclusivity) he suddenly messages me during early hours regarding random stuff,maybe just to get my attention. Is there a way to be in the girlfriend contract for a virgo guy?
He didn't say he didn't want a relationship,he even told me stories of his past that if he weren't traveling for work he might have been married and a dad already. He told me stories of his past which I never asked,even his insecurities and he said he had a huge ego.
Yeah,I would like to confront him about the exclusivity thing but I don't want to ruin on what is happening now..
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Sep 19, 2013Comments: 0 · Posts: 187 · Topics: 14
Thank you all for your response and insights. I think I am falling for him..the fact that I think he is making me fall for him..what I want is him to fall for me and commit to me..but I don't want any pressure that is why I agreed with the mon exclusivity thing..hoping things will change in time and be more exclusive. I let him be,have his own space everytime. I am not clingy,needy or demanding..I am just not used to this lovey dovey sh*t if it was previously discussed that it is non exclusive..
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Jun 20, 2014Comments: 1 · Posts: 3847 · Topics: 1
I think your version of non exclusive is different to his version. That's all.
He wants all the trimmings of a loving, communicative, secure relationship... With the ability to leave by using his non exclusive 'card'. This card gives him the full right to leave, whenever he wants, at his decision, and more importantly, without any guilt or emotional mess.
Your version seems to just be sex. Pitch up, be nice to each other, have sex, leave. No hugs or cuddles. Limited contact and only to arrange a mutually convenient hook up. Limited sharing of personal things.
Or something like the above.
So I think that's the first thing. Just different views on the same topic.
The next thing is that I think you need to be very clear with yourself regarding what it is you are looking for right now in your life. This is THE most important thing. It is important because it will help you manoeuvre your way around this situation and other situations.
Now that may seem obvious but in your posts you started off with not being so fussed with this guy but I would rewind a little and go back to the reason you joined Tinder in the first place? If you joined to 'see what happens' then this is what you're going to attract. That's fine, except now it has gone from a 'i'll join to see what happens' to a 'I'm not so fussed with this Virgo guy but I'll text him back to see what happens' to 'I'll meet up with Virgo guy just to see what happens' to 'he seemed OK, I'll meet him again just to see what happens' followed by 'I know he said he didn't want an exclusive relationship due to his work but I'll continue to invest my time into him just to see what happens!' ending in 'I know I just went along with this guy to see what happens and I wasn't really bothered about him but now I've invested my time into him, I really like him, plus he seems to really like me despite his non exclusive terms but maybe if I just see what happens some more then maybe he'll change his mind... '
That's how I think this situation has run.
Now I'm not saying he won't change his mind. However, he cited work and travel as his main reason for not wanting commitment. Those are fair reasons. Unless he's going to give up his job in order to start a relationship with you, which he's not going to do, then I think you're out of luck.
Plus, he's been single for three years so he's used to his situation. He knows what he can offer and what he cannot offer someone. He's been straight with you and can only offer short term, non committal company.
At the moment, if you are happy 'seeing what happens' by investing more time and more of yourself into this then that is OK... BUT... do not do this in the hope of furthering your plight with him. Not being clear or honest with yourself regarding what you want because you felt you should just see what happens... Will lead to a broken heart, and I'm sure a Leo with a broken heart is not a good thing!
So to recap: be clear with what you want in life. If you want an exclusive, commuted relationship with this guy but he's only offering short term, non committal then I'm afraid it'd not a match. If you pursue this it is unlikely to make you happy. Why? Because you're not getting what you want from him. I'd suggest getting back on Tinder or wherever else and finding a guy who can give you what you want. There's 8 billion people on the planet, not just this Virgo.
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Jun 20, 2014Comments: 1 · Posts: 3847 · Topics: 1
Replies below:
Wow! Thank you for this very well.thought response.
*You're welcome. I think I have far too much time on my hands at the moment so lucky you and this forum!!
I have never been on a non exclusive relationship tbh so I am not used to the "norms" of it. He is french and i am asian btw.
*Fair enough, I'm sure there is not a set check list out there for non exclusive relationships but I do think there are certain things to watch out for, some of which I have already pointed out. In your case, they are more important to be aware of especially since they are unknown territory.
Yes he is indeed sweet and funny whenever we are together.
*He probably is lovely. Most people are especially when putting their best foot forward and being on their most charming and best behaviour. It's unlikely he'd be an arse hole because that's not exactly going to endear him to you or get him what he wants. Also, a lot of people on dating websites are not honest about what they want. At least this guy has been honest. He wants sex and trimmings. Most guys say they want a relationship when they really just want sex. Far easier of they just say they want sex then we can decide if that's a match for us.
He kinda lay lowed on txting,unlike before that he txts all the time. After the talk,he just txts when he doesn't hear from me and would send random stuff just to start a conversation.
*It's not abnormal for contact to settle down after the initial buzz of meeting. There's usually a flurry of communication prior to first meeting and a little after that but after a while there's only so much 'hi, how was your day?' that people can stomach. The other thing is that because this is just a go with the flow thing the communication might feel a little empty or pointless. Pleasant but what's the point? It's not going anywhere. If both of you were looking for a committed relationship, potentially with each other, then there'd be a point to continue regular contact, most of which would have a point. Whether to arrange the next meet up, to share about your lives from the mundane shit to more personal things. All of which help to build a picture of the other person and see how they might continue to fit in with your life and you into theirs. Topics such as marriage and kids, hopes, dreams, aspirations, life goals down to what you're having for dinner or what XYZ said at work the other day. Without a point it's just two people being pen pal's. I feel like that's how you might feel as you said he's the one initiating small talk and although you're responding I think you don't see the point (again, his version Vs your version of non committed).
I on the other hand is not just about sex..am just guarding my heart but still being sweet and caring for him but ofcourse with boundaries.
*There's no reason not to be nice. I think it's sensible for anyone dating anyone to proceed with suitable caution especially during the early stages, say the first three months. That doesn't mean you can't share, laugh, be a closed book etc but a healthy dose of realism is always helpful. After all, this is the time you are learning about someone, and they are showing and telling you who they are with words and actions. You are showing them too. I'm not sure what boundaries you have put in place though?
I would say he is more emotional when we are together,more loving and sweet. I just go with the flow and letting him take the lead.
*Yeah, women are usually surprised men can be emotional too. My fella (Taurus Sun/Leo moon) is way more emotional than me (Scorp Sun/Pisces moon). He makes his decisions based on emotions. I make mine based on logic and reasoning. You can probably tell that from my writing!
Of course it is not just abt sex for me..I want a commitment.
*This here, is the part where you need to put emotions aside and use your head. So you know you want an exclusive commitment, a relationship, with this man. The next question is, what does that look like to you? As in, aside from him saying he doesn't want one and also travelling a lot, on a day to day, week to week basis, how will that work? I don't know his work situation as well as you do but if he says OK let's be in a relationship and then the next week he buggers off for work for three months and you can't see each other, you only have Skype and text for company, would you be happy with that? Is that what you want? Would that make you happy? Practicalities in relationships are very important yet are seldom thought of. Years ago I spent time travelling for work, often at very short notice, for unspecified periods of time. It really fucked my social life and despite trying to date, it was unsuccessful. A date would be booked in for the weekend then I'd be told I need to be on a plane, possibly away for a week, could be three weeks. Understandably, the guys were not willing to wait for me no matter how lovely I was! Quite right too. People don't want to be messed around or have their plans constantly change, especially not when they can pick from plenty of other people in their area. Worse still, you embark on this romance, invest a year of your life and then he needs to move elsewhere for a few years. What then? Break up? You move with him? Can you? Would you want to leave your life for him? Again, there's little point requesting commitment when he has already told you he cannot or does not want to give it to you. He probably doesn't want to get involved because he's already weighed the situation up. Did you say you live in separate countries? How will this work? Cultural and religious differences are also important to understand too. French and Asian. I won't know your exact differences but its reasonable to believe there will be some which can cause problems in relationships. The same goes for political differences, beliefs in marriage/kids, ages, food and eating habits, class status, income - there's a whole spectrum of things but cultural differences is a big one. He sounds more Liberal. You seem more Conservative.
He doesn't need to give up his job because.he can literally just work anywhere he wants,its just that the company decides where the next destination is.
You are correct that maybe our way of defining non exclusive is really different. But if so,then why did he react and assumed I was seeing another guy...
*Guys are territorial. They also have double standards to which they operate to. Don't read into his reaction as some sign. In his world, it's OK for him to offer you a non exclusive, non committed sexual relationship whereby he can put his dick into whoever he choses but woe betide you if you want to even look at another man let alone date or even have sex with them. One rule for him, another for you. The worst thing you could do in this situation is to apologies for breathing in the direction of another man and say you only have eyes for Virgo. Especially since he's offered you the shit contract. Plus, people have different views and expectations of all kinds of things. This area is no different to me loving the colour red and you absolutely hating it.
"Plus, he's been single for three years so he's used to his situation. He knows what he can offer and what he cannot offer someone. He's been straight with you and can only offer short term, non committal company."-------yeah,but why does he need to be lovey dovey...I appreciate it dont get me wrong,but its like he wants me to fall for him
*He probably does want you to fall for him. To be blunt, it means you'll be more agreeable and compliant to his terms.
or he is already falling for me :/ the way he hugged me early morning yeterday was like one of those hugs you receive when somebody missed you so bad! And then he pulled back,maybe got conscious of his emotions or something.
*I think this is subjective. You may have thought it was a hug of a lifetime. He may have just been a bit cold! I wouldn't read into subjective things. A hug is a hug. Men really aren't that complicated and they are not afraid of their emotions unless they have major issues!
The analogy of the tinder thing is kinda true..but I am just going with the flow and now the flow is too overwhelming for me..I'm a leo,too emotional..he is a virgo,too logical..sigh
*Yeah, but that's what you get when you chose not to define what you actually want and you chose to go with the flow. It's no different to getting a job. You know you need a job so you go look for one. If you're a Baker you don't apply for a Butcher. Why? Because it's not a match. If you're an office administrator, you don't search the Internet for firefighter jobs or deep sea diving. Equally, if you put your CV out there with the philosophy of just seeing what happens you'll be less likely to find something suitable than if you applied directly for suitable jobs. If you were invited to an interview and were asked why you applied for the job, and if you said yeah well, you know, I just thought I'd see what happens... You know they're not going to give you the bloody job! Anyway...
Lately he has been investing more time and effort than me,tbh..I just wait for his txts..I seldom initiate stuff..but i think he feels it when I lose interest and just chases me..
*Again, he's a man. It's what they do.
Its like I am inbetween of feeling "I want to disappear,and I want to see what happens"
I assure you though that i am not clingy or needy in any form. It takes me hours before I reply to his messages,and he replies instantly.
Is it possible that he maybe torn between his decision of non exclusive? And why did he tell me his itinerary for today without me asking for it..like he told he is just gonna stay at home etc..so when I txted him and said,if he wants,we can meetup within the week,and he said,"sure,we will see smile"
*He told you because he hoped you'd take the bait and suggest a meet up.
I think you just need to ask him if his stance has changed. It's the only way to know.
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Sep 19, 2013Comments: 0 · Posts: 187 · Topics: 14
Thank you again for that well written response..but is it possible to go from non exclusive to being exclusive by just going with the flow? Ofcourse i want to be exclusive..but idk how virgos mind or heart works..
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Jun 20, 2014Comments: 1 · Posts: 3847 · Topics: 1
It's possible but I'd say unlikely. You're taking a gambled which may or may not pay off.
Why not ask him if his stance has changed?
It always surprises me that people can jump in and have sex with others, the most intimate act between two people, without much concern for their emotional well being yet are too scared or shy to ask a simple question due to fear of the answer.
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Sep 19, 2013Comments: 0 · Posts: 187 · Topics: 14
@Agent P911
I sent you a dm😁
Because I am too scared of rejection and i just want to enjoy with what is happening now..
Yes it is a gamble,and I am proud of myself that with this experience,I am learning more about myself and my limitations.
The only thing I can think of is to just slowly walk away and focus on myself and save my sanity and that non exclusive doesn't really work for me
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Nov 18, 2017Comments: 4 · Posts: 1588 · Topics: 129
he can make up his mind virgo's always have a strong first impression if they think you are easy or it will be nothing serious he will say that but later might regret is and maybe think different once you guys get close it can also be to test you if he needs to chase you and you are more hard to get he will like it more but he does want something in return probably