What Should I Do? How Should I Respond?
This topic was created in the Virgo forum by Nebulous_Cloud9 on Tuesday, March 12, 2013 and has 9 replies.
Just the other day on my way to work I thought about my Virgo ex and couldn't remember his cellphone number from the top of my head. I have to admit, a wave of pain and joy washed over me all at once. Joy because for me it was progress, which means I am starting to forget--final process of healing.
When I thought I could finally breathe again, he calls and texts me a lengthy apology and wishes to "discuss" the events leading up to our abrupt separation; also stating how hard it's been for him as well. I'm so confused, lost, and most importantly, terrified... I cannot consult my family and friends because they all knew the pain I went through; it's sad to say I feel ashamed confiding in them and letting them down with how far I've come along and with a simple phone call from him, everything comes crashing down.
So here I am on DXP, seeking some advice.
This Virgo really, really broke my heart into a million pieces...
-------
Back story:
I was with him for 2 yrs and 3 months. Went through hell for this guy and stood by his side everyday we were together. Put up with all his Virgo moodiness and coldness. After a rough first year and a handful of months, we finally found our steady and was quite happy and over the moon in love. Anyway, back in August I had to move away for work. He wasn't happy about it but I had supported him through his dreams so it was, more or less, my turn to seek mine. I left with confidence that our relationship would survive the test of time. Well, it didn't turn out that way.
In not-so-many-words, a month into our long distance relationship (6 hrs apart) he became negligent, selfish, and completely irresponsible about us. I.e. Missed our 2 year anniversary but managed to remember his bestfriend's birthday the week before in which he flew out to party with his friend... At this point, I confronted him about his behavior and he responded with, "It's your dreams, not mine." Things got so much worse from here, I became guarded and insecure about our relationship. Instead of making things better, he kept at it--. The final straw that began the 4 month silence started a week before Thanksgiving. Four days prior to my flight home, I heard nothing from him but kept seeing picture updates on FB of him out partying with his friends. Three hours before my flight boarded all I got was a text message that said he couldn't pick me up. Abandoned and sad beyond belief...
When I thought I could finally breathe again, he calls and texts me a lengthy apology and wishes to "discuss" the events leading up to our abrupt separation; also stating how hard it's been for him as well. I'm so confused, lost, and most importantly, terrified... I cannot consult my family and friends because they all knew the pain I went through; it's sad to say I feel ashamed confiding in them and letting them down with how far I've come along and with a simple phone call from him, everything comes crashing down.
So here I am on DXP, seeking some advice.
This Virgo really, really broke my heart into a million pieces...
-------
Back story:
I was with him for 2 yrs and 3 months. Went through hell for this guy and stood by his side everyday we were together. Put up with all his Virgo moodiness and coldness. After a rough first year and a handful of months, we finally found our steady and was quite happy and over the moon in love. Anyway, back in August I had to move away for work. He wasn't happy about it but I had supported him through his dreams so it was, more or less, my turn to seek mine. I left with confidence that our relationship would survive the test of time. Well, it didn't turn out that way.
In not-so-many-words, a month into our long distance relationship (6 hrs apart) he became negligent, selfish, and completely irresponsible about us. I.e. Missed our 2 year anniversary but managed to remember his bestfriend's birthday the week before in which he flew out to party with his friend... At this point, I confronted him about his behavior and he responded with, "It's your dreams, not mine." Things got so much worse from here, I became guarded and insecure about our relationship. Instead of making things better, he kept at it--. The final straw that began the 4 month silence started a week before Thanksgiving. Four days prior to my flight home, I heard nothing from him but kept seeing picture updates on FB of him out partying with his friends. Three hours before my flight boarded all I got was a text message that said he couldn't pick me up. Abandoned and sad beyond belief...
I couldn't respond and slowly grew silent--neither did he call or try to visit while I was in town. I came back again for Christmas a month later and decided to call/text him a heartfelt message. He completely ignored me. Honestly, if there is a verge of insanity, this was that point for me. I never felt so much agony and pain in my heart... There were moments I had wished I never woke to feel the things I felt.
From that moment forward, I have done everything I could possibly think of to move on--taking up sports, exercise, hiking, traveling, staying occupied 24/7,.
Now I am here staring at his text messages... floored.
How should I respond?
From that moment forward, I have done everything I could possibly think of to move on--taking up sports, exercise, hiking, traveling, staying occupied 24/7,.
Now I am here staring at his text messages... floored.
How should I respond?
Search your heart and search your head..make the time to meet with him to hear him out but only when you feel strong enough not to crumble... AND don't talk....just listen...let him do all the talking. Then walk away to make your decision.
This is what I would do..in my head with this situation knowing full well the hurt you have gone through and how much you have picked yourself up to this point.
This is what I would do..in my head with this situation knowing full well the hurt you have gone through and how much you have picked yourself up to this point.
Posted by Nebulous_Cloud9
How should I respond?
Either
a) Don't
or
b) send a simple nice to hear from you but we've nothing to talk about message. And then don't continue, leave it over.
Thanks to both responses.
I sent him a response and told him I need time to process all of this.
There's just no way I am ready to forgive him; needless, talk to him. If I don't approach this with caution, I feel that I will crumble and all the progress I've made will be in vain.
This is such a slippery slope. On one hand, I would like an explanation, on another, I keep reflecting on those days and months I curled up in utter misery and cried like I never knew a human being was capable of crying, and those moments still haunt me.
I feel so damn sad and hurt he'd come back into my life like this...
I sent him a response and told him I need time to process all of this.
There's just no way I am ready to forgive him; needless, talk to him. If I don't approach this with caution, I feel that I will crumble and all the progress I've made will be in vain.
This is such a slippery slope. On one hand, I would like an explanation, on another, I keep reflecting on those days and months I curled up in utter misery and cried like I never knew a human being was capable of crying, and those moments still haunt me.
I feel so damn sad and hurt he'd come back into my life like this...
Update.
I spoke to him for about an hour and a half.
In the first hour of our conversation, we just talked about what we've been up to. There was a lot of laughing and goofing around as we have always had an uncanny connection and we can easily make each other laugh.
The last half hour before he had to go to bed, we briefly talked about what happened in the months leading up to the separation. He said he had a lot of time to reflect on those events and that he had been meaning to call me sooner but just didn't know how. He thought that if he had just ignored me that it would get easier and better over time, but it didn't. He kept bumping into my friends from home at outings and my name would always come up, it would always break him down everytime. He apologized for abandoning me and feels ashamed and guilty for what he'd done. At the time, he had so much going on in his life mentally, emotionally, and physically there. He never expressed sadness or depression to me or anyone because he wasn't capable of it (typical Virgo) and it's something he's been working on improving. While doing so, he realized a lot of things. He realized he doesn't want to date someone else and start over, knowing that someone he had loved him, sacrificed for him, and accepted him for all his good and bad; someone who had been there to the bitter end and never asked for anything in return but to be loved (which he admitted he didn't do a great job in reciprocating). He admitted that everytime he opens his book to study it just makes him think about all the time I had been there to watch him study, oftentimes even help him study and do his homework as well (I worked 50 hrs+ for a startup at the time and would still help him with his school work) when he should've tried to take me out, treat me... He says I am the strongest woman he knows and will ever meet -- independent, hard-working, go-getter, persevering -- and that my only vulnerability is him and he took that for granted. He always knew I had never allowed myself to love someone like that but that I loved him for all his shortcomings and flaws anyway; he should've known how special I was and should've taken better care of me because noone in this world will be able to love him for all that he lacks.. These thoughts go through his mind all the time and it kills him inside...
As he was saying all of this, all the pain returned, I just sat there and cried.
I'm unable to forgive him... It hurts so much.
I spoke to him for about an hour and a half.
In the first hour of our conversation, we just talked about what we've been up to. There was a lot of laughing and goofing around as we have always had an uncanny connection and we can easily make each other laugh.
The last half hour before he had to go to bed, we briefly talked about what happened in the months leading up to the separation. He said he had a lot of time to reflect on those events and that he had been meaning to call me sooner but just didn't know how. He thought that if he had just ignored me that it would get easier and better over time, but it didn't. He kept bumping into my friends from home at outings and my name would always come up, it would always break him down everytime. He apologized for abandoning me and feels ashamed and guilty for what he'd done. At the time, he had so much going on in his life mentally, emotionally, and physically there. He never expressed sadness or depression to me or anyone because he wasn't capable of it (typical Virgo) and it's something he's been working on improving. While doing so, he realized a lot of things. He realized he doesn't want to date someone else and start over, knowing that someone he had loved him, sacrificed for him, and accepted him for all his good and bad; someone who had been there to the bitter end and never asked for anything in return but to be loved (which he admitted he didn't do a great job in reciprocating). He admitted that everytime he opens his book to study it just makes him think about all the time I had been there to watch him study, oftentimes even help him study and do his homework as well (I worked 50 hrs+ for a startup at the time and would still help him with his school work) when he should've tried to take me out, treat me... He says I am the strongest woman he knows and will ever meet -- independent, hard-working, go-getter, persevering -- and that my only vulnerability is him and he took that for granted. He always knew I had never allowed myself to love someone like that but that I loved him for all his shortcomings and flaws anyway; he should've known how special I was and should've taken better care of me because noone in this world will be able to love him for all that he lacks.. These thoughts go through his mind all the time and it kills him inside...
As he was saying all of this, all the pain returned, I just sat there and cried.
I'm unable to forgive him... It hurts so much.
Posted by Nebulous_Cloud9
While doing so, he realized a lot of things. He realized he doesn't want to date someone else and start over,
I sense some codependency issues, someone who is settling for you...but not actually in love with you. Afraid to start over? You may want to address this in your next conversation.
Posted by Nebulous_Cloud9
knowing that someone he had loved him, sacrificed for him, and accepted him for all his good and bad; someone who had been there to the bitter end and never asked for anything in return but to be loved (which he admitted he didn't do a great job in reciprocating).
^^^^This confirms it!
I see convenience...not vulnerability, or the words spoken like a man in love.
Posted by Nebulous_Cloud9
As he was saying all of this, all the pain returned, I just sat there and cried.
I'm unable to forgive him... It hurts so much.click to expand
You will take him back...and he knows it. Not judging you. You're the only one who can make that decision. But my gut instinct tells me, he sought out other options, the feelings were not reciprocated, and now he's regressing to what seems to be the most convenient.
YOU.
If I were you, (if you're thinking about giving him another chance)....Ask him how he feels about YOU!...and YOU...and YOU...
Not how being with you benefits him.
In one breath, he seems completely depended on you....
The other....
He seems to resent you for that same codependency, by making a total mockery of your success.
The other....
He seems to resent you for that same codependency, by making a total mockery of your success.
Hey TaurusBull1977,
Thanks for your response!
He's not very good at articulating his feelings/thoughts so perception could be muddled.
I know that he could get with anyone if he wanted to because he's a very handsome man and has great work ethics and such -- minus the emotional aspect, obviously. Even during our relationship, many women attempted to woo him to no avail. He's unscrupulously picky. I think he simply tried to convey that someone else will not be able to fill my shoes. I don't mean to say that to be pretentious but I know I am a great catch.
Anyway, I haven't spoken to him since. I want some space to digest everything and I'm not going to put my world on hold just because he came back into the picture... I'm just not the "make the same mistake twice" kind of gal. Although I allow second chances, it will take more than an ice pick to chip away the layers of ice I've encased my heart with--noone's ever successfully broken through.
Thanks for your response!
He's not very good at articulating his feelings/thoughts so perception could be muddled.
I know that he could get with anyone if he wanted to because he's a very handsome man and has great work ethics and such -- minus the emotional aspect, obviously. Even during our relationship, many women attempted to woo him to no avail. He's unscrupulously picky. I think he simply tried to convey that someone else will not be able to fill my shoes. I don't mean to say that to be pretentious but I know I am a great catch.
Anyway, I haven't spoken to him since. I want some space to digest everything and I'm not going to put my world on hold just because he came back into the picture... I'm just not the "make the same mistake twice" kind of gal. Although I allow second chances, it will take more than an ice pick to chip away the layers of ice I've encased my heart with--noone's ever successfully broken through.
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