What to do NOW

This topic was created in the Virgo forum by lovethatvirgoman on Saturday, September 16, 2006 and has 22 replies.
First, thanks for all of your help so far. I have learned a lot here from you.
If you don't know my story: I'm wanting to win the heart of my Virguy again, forever. We nearly married after a year of dating, broke up, were friends 9 years. He says he loved me 9 years, but I was friendship and didn't see his love. No serious relationships during that time (both of us). Me, I guess absence makes the heart grow fonder. One day and I realized that I loved him and called him up.
He never calls me, even when he says he will call at a certain time...has excuses like he was tired or busy at work.
He has been a no call no show x 3-4.
Last month, we made a date for his birthday (yesterday). He was a no call no show. I am so hurt.
Today I called. He apologized and apologized and was to call me back after work. He didn't call.
Please help this Taurus woman in agony. I'm not being controlling, angry or emotional anymore. Well the emotional part seeps through sometimes. He hides when I'm emotional though.
We were at this point 10 yrs ago; he would not talk at the end. I feel as though if I behaved differently, things may have turned out better back then. What I had done then was try and force him to talk to me, but he lowered his head a little and answered softly yes, no, I do love you, etc. in low tones. What to do differently now????
When I am feeling emotional, I want to talk more. When he is emotional he retreats. I am having a hard time with all of this.
I can't help but wonder if he has lied that he loves me. But, I don't think he lies.
I try to accept that he is busy with things (changing jobs around). I know he is tired much of the time (works long hours). My friends are in disbelief that he would treat me so rudely or that I have allowed this to get so far gone already.
I can't help it, though. I love him so much.
What should I do?
I want the friendship back, as it was breezy compared to this tangled up mess. I don't want a sexual relationship, as it seems to me now. (don't tell missmorals)
Could this birthday scenario have been a "burn" or a "lesson?" I ask, because a few years ago, we did try a little to date. Went out on his birthday, but I thwarted his further calls to go out because of my work was real busy. Also, back then we drank a lot, I recall. Plus I was playing a dating game and kept aloof of all of it.
Can anyone lend a piece of advice or 2? Thanks. ltvm
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I've just read your story. I will give my two cents but I'm no expert regarding Virgos at all so my point of view is general. I've basically only dealt with this one Virgo guy, and another one over 10 years ago who I found very pesty. That Virgo guy would call me 5 times a day even though we saw each other at school every day. It took him a long while to get the hint in that I wasn't interested in him romantically. I haven't heard from that Virgo guy since. I did attempt to take contact with him again in August with sending him a text message but he never responded to me. I think I hurt his ego with not feeling the same as him. Regarding the Virgo I've been dealing with now, he I do really like and it's taken me so long to let go of him. It's been torture to finally say I'm done with him.
Okay, now regarding your Virgo, he's very busy since he's changing jobs. As I've understood regarding Virgos they take their jobs very seriously. With the Virgo guy in my case, there would be days I wouldn't hear from him because he was so busy with work. I didn't mind as I like my own space. However, if I felt it had gone too long before I heard from him, I'd either give him a ring or text or both, just so he'd know I was still around. He always seemed to appreciate that. However, now when I've sent him text messages, he ignores me for some reason. In the beginning it was hurtful. Now, I don't care anymore because I won't play his mind games anymore. His birthday was a bit of a hard day for me so thankfully I kept myself very busy that day. Anyway, just give your Virgo guy space and time to come back to you. The two of you have a long history together. He is very fond of you and you must cherish it. Virgos are a bit strange when it comes to emotions but that's what makes them unique and lovable. I, personally, think he's just going through a lot right now.
When it comes to telling you he'll call and doesn't, well, I find that to be just plain rude behavior. It's respectful to at least give you a call if he can't make it or just to say hello since he had said he'd call. I detest when guys say they'll call and they don't. However, I do know guys are very busy so I don't get mad too often but if it's continuously repeated then I speak my mind. Like in my case, the Virgo guy, ignores me now, but I'm positive he called me last Saturday early in the morning but I didn't pick up because I'm annoyed with him.
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It then had been almost 6 weeks since the last time he had called me. I was sleeping and it was in the middle of the night. I thought it was very rude behavior to say the least.
Yeah, when I've gotten emotional regarding the Virgo guy in my case, he too would do a disappearing act also. It'd be upto 2 weeks before I hear from him again and he'd act like nothing had happened. I would be so livid with him because I felt he wasn't taken me seriously at all. He probably wasn't but I didn't know that at the time. You know the saying: "If I only know then what I know now", well, things would have been so much easier to understand. I learned to not get too emotional since it got me nowhere. However, I've been so angry with him, I have lashed out at him with text messages saying I'm done and he'd never hear from me again. You know what? He never responds which, of course, at the time infuriated me. He could have at least talked to me, in my opinion, but he chose to stay away. I finally cooled off. He likes to play games with me regarding other girls also. I was never jealous either for some strange reason. He never got a reaction out of me which he was expecting. Therefore, I think he now doesn't react to me when I've attempted to take contact with him. I have given up though and will not attempt to contact him again as I get nowhere.
I doubt your Virgo guy lied about that he loves you. Maybe he's afraid of his emotions for you so he's taking a breather to gather his thoughts. Virgos are always thinking everything through which isn't a bad thing at all.
Please don't think of "what if you behaved differently back then". That is the past and this is the future. No one knows the future and that is why we have to do what we feel is right for us at the time. I've gone over in my brain also what could I have done differently regarding the Virgo in my case. At times, I'd blame myself for his actions. However, no one can control another ones actions. I've come to the conclusion that the Virgo guy in my case got scared for some reason or whatever. Your Virgo guy is still around. Don't push him into anything and be independent which I'm sure you already are. Live your life and do things that make you happy. Your Virgo guy will come around so you just have to be patient if you want to be with him. Fate works in mysterious ways. I always believe in things happen for a reason.
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You want his friendship, you say. Great then. Be his friend. Try to controll your emotions because you don't want to scare him away. Friends are always there for each other no matter what as long as they are true friends. Be a friend to him like he's never had before. Be different. Don't be clingy. Let him contact you. Don't try to make him jealous. By all means always be honest about things. Friends can talk about most things with each other. Let him know you'll be there for him when he needs someone. This is what I've done with the Virgo guy in my case also and it's worked. Right now it's not working but people are different. Anyway, be loyal to him and show him you aren't going anywhere. However, don't be too available to him. I made that mistake and paid a heavy price.
Virgos value friendships very much. Just be yourself because that is what he liked about you in the first place. If you can, try to be the person he fell for way back when, when things were simplier. Go out as friends do but don't cross the line sexually because that might confuse him altogether. If you give yourself space from him, you will learn how to deal with the situation because you will be thinking more clearly. When a person is emotionally involved, they don't always think clearly. Give yourself time.
I hope I've been helpful. Sorry, it's so long but just wanted to give my two cents.
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Thank you, thank you!
You have been through many of my scenarios. Had the 2 of you spoken of love?
I mean to visit V for a second today, to give him a letter, and thought I may as well give him his birthday presents which are essentially non-returnable (pain to send back) from amazon.com. We'll have a friendship talk on the phone first and I'll get instant relief from that, I think. I hope. Him too, I hope.
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Yes, he had told me I was his dreamgirl internally. I'd never been told that before and laughed as it sounded crazy. He told me within 2 weeks how much he cared for me. I got scared and ignored that. I acted as if I didn't hear him and played it really cool. The longer I got to know him, the more problems I was having to keep playing it cool. 5 months later, I told him in numerous text messages how I truly felt about him. He was shocked because I had concealed it for so long. When I look back now though, it scared the heck out of him. I started to hear less and less from him. He promised he wouldn't dessert me, but he did which is why it's been so difficult for me to let go which I eventually have done. Besides, he has a lot of issues he's dealing with. The last time he and I talked, he told me there were a lot of things that were sick about him. When I asked him to elaborate, he wouldn't. I was in shock. This is why I don't understand why he'd push me away. However, I've come to understand that he and I are at different paths in our lives. I'm a stable type of person and he's going through a phase now of whatever. I truly do wish him the best. However, he makes no sense to me. This is why I've said I'm being saved from more heartache in the future regarding him because I had to move on so I wouldn't lose my mind. I've been really down regarding him but when I finally realized it wasn't me who had the problem, I knew I had to get my act together and learn a painful lesson. I've grown so much during the time I've known him and become even a better person also. People come into our lives and teach us things. He's taught me so much. More than I ever realized. Life does work in mysterious ways.
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My Virgo told me he loved me quite soon, too. Within a week. We were 2 peas in a pod for the next year or so, but when trials and tribulations came, then THAT's when I needed to know about Virgo men. Before all of that, our communication lines were wide open.
I'd like to hear some stories of Successful relationships that have gone through the waiting game and the details.
About your strengthening in all of that. You emerged stronger, how? When you said he taught you things...patience? what? I think I may be in for the waiting game next. It won't be pretty. When was the last time you saw him? Have you thought of calling him or shouldn't I ask?
Well, I did visit my Virgo this evening and it was more relaxed because we had talked earlier on the phone. But I think I'm in for the waiting game next.
"I started to hear less and less from him. He promised he wouldn't dessert me, but he did which is why it's been so difficult for me to let go which I eventually have done. "
So...Virgo men don't lie? Hmmmmmm...mine says he loves me, also says he will call, has been a no call no show for a month-old date that I think ended up to be a test...I don't know. I just don't know.
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Lovethatvirgoman,
You ask what Virgo guy taught me. Well, for one thing PATIENCE, is for sure. I'm a patient person to begin with, but I've been really put through the test regarding patience with this Virgo guy. Don't get me wrong because I didn't mind. Patience is a true virtue. He taught me how to be more open since he was so quiet in the beginning. I opened up to him. It was very difficult for me as I don't open up to just anyone. I'm very guarded with my feelings. This is why it took me 5 months to tell him how I felt. Although I'm sure he knew way before I officially said it. You know, Virgos are very good at knowing things that aren't said. He taught me to be an even more considerate person than I already was. He'd call me drunk numerous times. I've never had that before so I didn't know what to do, whether I should hang up on him or talk to him. So I talked to him about normal things even though he was drunk. He taught me not to be afraid of feelings. However, he is himself. When I told him how I felt and how embarrassed I was because I fought so hard to not feel, his response was not be embarrassed at all. He taught me how to be a great listener as this Virgo guy does have some issues to deal with. I've never dealt with a person like that so I felt the best thing to do was be the best friend I could be. I thought I was doing a great job but apparently, he is dealing with something he doesn't want to involve me with.
Have I thought to call him? Absolutely. Just for a friendly chat. I've attempted before to call him. Recently he won't answer when he sees my cell phone number in his mobile display. Therefore I've sent him text messages because that I know will get to him. However, I've had to give up as I see he's playing a game with me. In my opinion, the decent thing to do would be to tell me what the problem is. Instead he ignores me so I'm left wondering what the heck happened. I've figured out he knows if he doesn't contact me that I'll eventually take contact with him. This is why I don't hear from him. Therefore I've given up and will not contact again because I can't continue to play such childish games.
Usually, Virgo men don't lie has been my experience. However, this Virgo guy, hence the reason why I've stated before that he must be a one-off Virgo, had told me he and I would be friends for always and we'd never dessert one another. At the time when he told me, I was very relieved as I value friendship so much.
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"I've figured out he knows if he doesn't contact me that I'll eventually take contact with him. This is why I don't hear from him. Therefore I've given up and will not contact again"
Mystical,
I guess it is better, then, not to do the contacting anymore. I can feel your frustrations for you in that relationship. I know I kept thinking, I wish I wouldn't have called my Virgo when I did a couple of months ago. Maybe I could have just put myself in his path and let him see me and let HIM make the first move then. I had such a strong feeling and revelation, though, that I didn't plan.
You are doing the right thing now. I know how that secretly within your heart you are hoping to hear from him while you are busy going on with your life, and I hope that you do.
It's what I've resolved to do, too, in a way. Friends. I may have awakened for my V too late. Too late.
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Mystical,
Last sentence was suppose to be: , and I hope that you do hear from your Virgo again.
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Lovethatvirgoman,
Unfortunately, you are right with I do hope to hear from him again. You are right on target. If only to get some closure. This ignoring action of his is what I find very rude. It's like he thinks if he ignores me that he'll be able to keep me around because he doesn't answer me. It has been working but not anymore. I can't deal with a person who won't meet me halfway. I believe in communication. It's not easy to have one way communication as I can't get anywhere with that. He will realize one day what a mistake he's made. I've been a fool with trying to keep the communication door open with him. I shouldn't have even tried and given up a long time ago. However, I thought for sure he'd come around, which he hasn't yet. Now I could see if he and I had had an argument as a reason for the since silent treatment. Instead I'm told there are a lot of things sick about him which came out of left field. When I asked him if had any problems with me, he said absolutely not. Now in my opinion when a friend is in pain you are there for them. Instead he's pushed me away. Maybe he's saving me from more heartache. I don't know. The one thing I do know is I had to move on to keep my sanity. It took me weeks to come to the realization that I had to give up. Oh, how do I dislike to give up on anything. Also I dislike in failing. This is why I feel I've failed regarding this Virgo. I wanted and still want to help him even though he has issues to deal with. Since I feel like I failed, it's been very difficult for me to let go of him. However, with time it's been getting easier and easier. 2006 has been such a sad year for me. This is why I'm looking to the future and 2007 for better things to come.
No, I can't contact him anymore. There is no point. He knows I won't reject him (even though I'd like to but I'd feel so guilty if I did)and he knows he can rely on me. However, I can't do the same with him which is sad. I do have a feeling I'll be hearing from him sometime in the future. How I'll handle that, I really don't know. Maybe I wouldn't feel guilty to ignore him by that time.
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Archer,
My Virgo intentionally lied to me. I'm wanting to get to the bottom line of it.
In another thread, I'm trying to figure out if this was as a test or an f-u.
During our 9 friendship years, I was aloof of his presence in my life. Barracaded by my walls of steel, I thought that his gentle ways of trying to get closer to me were just sexual advances, alone. I emphatically would not allow it. One birthday of his about 5 years ago, though, I went out with him, shared an intimate evening at the end and I went on my way, still aloof and barracaded in my safe place. I didn't respond to him emotionally. I ignored him or put him off when he would call later. Not all of the time, but as it was convenient for me, as I was so busy building a small business. I think this intimacy recurred once more during the same period of time. I was not into it...no love in it, I thought, so why go on, and lots of drinking going on then, too. I needed to pay attention to my business and I just dropped all of the physical. He remained my friend. I was never intimate with him or any one since then.
So, anyway, here we have a repeat performance...a birthday date with a different possible outcome. I planned to be sure it was very different, better. I realize now that he never did intend to follow through. He would be vague at times about where to go, and whether he would get the evening off work, and so on. He kept me believing all was well, though...he got the evening off work and was to call me that day at a certain time. He didn't call. He didn't show.
My reaction? I called him the next day. He repeatedly apologized softly. I was rather a wreck, emotionally. I said when we were just friends, he would never have not called, etc. He just said, "I know, I'm sorry." He wanted to call me after work. I asked if that was suppose to be a joke. (he doesn't call) He said no, it is not a joke. He'd call. He didn't call.
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Continued -
Next day: I called him again. We talked about it a little. I was fairly recovered/composed. I accepted his apology and forgave him in my heart. I always have to consider how it was for him when I was the one going through lots of changes. I mentioned to him that the intimacy we share physically is such a beautiful thing, but without our friendship, it is reduced. It was then that he opened up and told me a little about how he feels. He feels everything is caving in on him. We resolved to be friends until he gets through his job changes. He said he loves me over and over. But I won't be seeing him for awhile and well, we'll see. The mystery will unfold, I guess.
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Mystical,
How long has it been so far?
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Just to mention: My friends are badgering me about my accepting his apologies. They think I should give him the heave ho and be done with him. Also, I may have lost one friend who thinks I'm "pitiful."
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Lovethatvirgoman,
He called me the last time on July 22nd. I never really thought that was the beginning of the end. Of course as the weeks went on with no contact from him, I'd send him text messages with asking how he was. Of course, I got no response. After a month, at the ending of August, with him not contacting me, I sent him numerous text messages explaining I didn't understand his behavior at all. I wrote I didn't understand why he was ignoring me, well, literally, I lashed out at him. I wrote I'd never be contacting him again and that I was giving him his wish of cutting contact between him and I. Of course, still no response. Now I know it wasn't the brightest thing to do to write I'd never contact him again but I did mean it. However, his birthday came around in the beginning of September. For the whole week, I was really pondering whether I should ignore it or acknowledge it. When I woke up on his birthday, I did sent him a birthday message. I wrote to him that I'd call him to say happy birthday but for some reason he doesn't want to talk to and therefore I was sending the text. I wished him all the best and hoped he'd get all he wanted. The whole day went by and thankfully, I kept busy with schooling and my part-time job. I didn't even get a thank you message. However, in the middle of the night on the 9th, my cell phone rings (his birthday was on the 8th) and I was out of my mind since I was sleeping. I'm positive it was him. Also when I've been annoyed with him before, he's called me in the middle of the night. None of my friends would be so rude to call at such an hour (it was 4.27 in the morning). I didn't pick up because I hadn't heard from him in over 5 weeks. I haven't heard from him since. Now since I had lashed out at him before, I decided I should clear the air with him even though I get no response. I did send him a text last Monday stating I'm still his friend and that I was sorry for lashing out at him a while back. Still nothing. At least he knows I'm still his friend and that was important for me to let him know even though he ignores me. This is why I've had to give up to keep my sanity.
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Lovethatvirgoman,
Regarding your friends they are only looking out for you. They are giving you their perspective on the situation. Maybe another time, don't accept Virgo guy's apology too quickly.
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Mystical,
Well, I'm not sure what Dy means by never give up and be consistent. Prepare for the lucky day and it will come. Seems like everytime I do spring cleaning around the house, I get a house full of company. Dy said to stay positive. That could be a challenge, but, it may be too late for me and my V with so much water under the bridge. He may have just been kind to me and then found himself in a world of trouble. I don't know. I know my friends care. It seems logical to kick V in the butt for being a bad boy. But, before (9 yrs ago), I wrote the letter you mentioned...someday you'll be sorry, and maybe you will learn from this and with your next love, you won't be so cold, and I'm outta here with this abuse...and I WAS GONE. Due to some childhood experiences, I know how to swiftly and adeptly erect a wall all around me and annihilate any necessary information to be safe at the same time. I did it. I couldn't, wouldn't, didn't see him standing in front of me as anyone but an acquaintance...I didn't actually even consider him a true friend in all of those 9 years.
Gotta skoot...
Mystical, thank you for all of your feedback and sharing. It must be painful just to talk about it. I know.
There's no answer right now, but all mysteries do unfold.
hugs
ltvm
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Lovethatvirgoman,
Well, to be honest the pain has subsided regarding the Virgo guy in my case. With time it has gotten easier and easier to let him go. Yes, I did write I'd be gone and he'd never hear from me ever again and you know. Just typical of a girl who is being emotional. You see, he never knew where he had me until he disappeared. It was then I realized I had grown very fond of him which scared the heck out of me. Maybe he's been testing me on how far he can go with the silent treatment. Before July 22nd, it was usually him doing all the chasing. I would help out a little at different times but not too often. Then I don't know what happened. I think it was then I woke up.
Sure, I'm glad I could help you out. I've learned that mysteries do unfold in time. Sometimes when you least expect it. Hopefully, one day, I'll understand this Virgo guy's behavior. If not, then it just wasn't me for to understand and I came out on top with my dignity intact.
Oh, and take what Dy says about being positive. Dy is a great guy. StringsAttached calls him the nr. 1 VirGuy on DXP. Since Dy has come to DXP, he's been very helpful to us gals in trying to understand a Virgo male, myself included. He's always helpful. Also VirGuy62, is great. Virgos are great people. It's just understanding them, at times, is what can be a little confusing for us gals. Other than that, if I ever meet another Virgo guy, I'd take a chance on him so I'm not jaded by them. In fact, I hope to meet another one because Virgos are truly fascinating, in my opinion. I've never been challenged to the degree I've been regarding the Virgo guy in my case ever. I love challenges and everything. I recall the Virgo guy in my case telling me he was worried in boring me and not be challenging enough. I told him that would never happen, and I was correct. There hasn't been a dull moment.
Hugs back. smile
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Yep, Dy has been so good, and all of you have been a HUGE source of strength and support.
ltvm
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Hi Dy,
Yes, he is. He's explained that he feels as though everything is "caving in" on him right now and now "this" (me/us) and he's having a hard time dealing with everything. This is an important and a little risky career move for him with many internal and external changes. Still says he loves me. Thanks for writing.
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Oh boy, you better believe they are calculated risks and how. He calculates EVERYthing. He IS a calculator as a matter of fact, with a heart of gold as I recall a long time ago. He's the Tin Man for sure. Okay I feel better. The roller coaster is slowing down and I'm going to have to start a new thread...how to deal with negativity from your friends. Take care,
ltvm
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