Huskerbolt1 joined January 20, 2020
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There are a good deal of hard truths here.
Reading your other responses I see the common theme of you judging her for not being 'christian' enough. But its a little hypocritical of you, don't you think?
After all your actions aren't christian either. Where in your bible does it say its cool to divorce and then move in with a woman and 'live in sin'. These are your actions and yet you are being judgy that she likes to drink wine and socialize.
Your falling into the typical Virgo 'fixer' stereotype. Having your partner want to change you is very controlling behavior that would make someone feel trapped. She had shared with you that in the past when she felt trapped in her relationships was when she cheated. In this case, she broke up with you.
Looks like she is evolving and growing, learning from her mistakes.
Like I said before, my take on this is that you are both fundamentally incompatible. But you should use this experience to examine why you are so judgmental of anything outside of your image of 'good christian girl' and examine whether your actions match the image of a 'good christian boy'.
I have not judged nor accused her of being "Christian" enough .... only that we were trying to live a better life with that as our guide. We went to church regularly, involved in a life group once a week and tried to walk the walk as closely as possible. Living in sin and not married was a topic that honestly derailed us, we both felt pressure and were engeged admittedly faster than we both were comfortable with.
As far as the Fixer-Virgo side ... yeah, I have struggled with that my entire life and continue to do so here. As I shared with her today, I do not want to control nor change her in any way ... that's who I fell in love with. But I also acknowledge some things I do that demonstrate that and have to continue to work on applying that elsewhere and not in my relationship with her.
Update ... I found a house and will move out this weekend. This has seemed to make it a bit more real for her and she, she was a wreck yesterday and today on the phone when she called she admitted she is struggling. She and I have actually had 2 very good ... difficult talks. She still loves me and I still love her but she does not trust me with her feelings which is justified. I told her I am open to working on this but as of now it seems she is unsure so I am giving her the space and freedom I know she needs.
I completely agree.
A relationship without trust is not a good relationship. If you can't trust her, best to just call it for what it is and find someone who you can trust.
There really is so much good....She is an amazing woman. Smart, intellectual, beautiful and very loving. In many ways as her and I have talked she is much like my mom, and I am much like her father. We share our faith and there isn't anything we can not talk about, we are extremely social and active and we both included each other in all areas of our lives, work, family, friends and we just fit each other so well in those areas. My family loved her and her family all loved me. She has the biggest helping heart and is really deep down a great person who genuinely cares.
From the beginning of this thread I've wondered what good you see in this. You've mentioned several cons but I haven't seen the pros verbalised.
I think you are spot on here. For a good amount of time I was not bothered by the ex talk tbh. Was only when she would repeat the same stories with different groups of friends that I would kind of mentally check out. I never caused a scene but did voice I would not look forward to the conversation inevitably going there. I really think she is still a mess over her Ex-Husband whom she served in a last ditch effort to wake him up and he walked and re-married very quickly.
By purge, you mean she talked to you about her exes? That is a common Gemini trait, I've found. It serves several purposes, including letting you know what worked and didn't work for us in the past and how we understand our role in what happened. How the other person reacts gives us insight into them, even though that probably wasn't the reason we brought it up. I wasn't there, so I can't give my opinion on whether she went overboard. I'd imagine that is a compatibility issue.
It sounds like she only stayed out late and got drunk once. Were there other times? Why would one night of drunken dumbassery make you so upset? Is it a pattern?
Overall, you don't seem respectful of her. You think there is something wrong with her that you need to fix. Maybe her friends and sister helped her see that.
The business dinners and drinks out of state were a norm, atleast once a month. Zero issues till the December one where she lost track of time, was extremely drunk and missed the flight in the morning. That sent me spinning and I was going to end things but she talked me out of it.... which we never really got over as it created issues and concerns for her next 5 day trip to which she was out till 2a.m. for the first 3 nights. The first of which she had a male co-worker in her room till 1 a.m. (I have met him and do not think anything serious happened but I am still not real comfortable with this....I did not react nor felt the need to) She does love her wine and drinks more than I would care for but if I am there it bothers me less, when I am not I just know its a matter of time when someone new and shiny catches her eye ... again this is my hangup with her and its never going to not be in my mind given her past. Something I stop punishing her for or something I just can not handle ... this is what I am trying to work out.
And yeah ... I am a fixer and I think with her I see alot that I could fix, again another thing I need to go back and work on.
And yeah ...
Posted by LadyNeptuneShe is an absolute free spirit, I am not so sure I am doing risk assesment but I do get where you are coming from. We discussed her strenghts and mine compliment each other ... she is a wreck with money and getting things done around the house and I openly enjoyed the fact we would be off on a trip on a whim and enjoy some new things all while going to church trying to blend our family. I honestly think she wanted that life but is internally torn, scared to make another relationship mistake and for me I was concerned about her lifestlye leading to her cheating.
Your 48 and unmarried (or divorced). Using ‘you’ logic she should assume this is a red flag and not want to pursue a serious relationship/marriage with you.
Your just not compatible. She’s a free spirit living each day with no regrets. Your in the corner with a calculator doing risk assessment. Opposite may attract but they don’t last.
We very well may not have been right for each other, but hard to ignore how good we actually were before the communication/trust broke down.
Posted by LadyNeptuneThis I could not agree with more. Full disclosure I was married for 18 years and my Ex-Wife had an affair, it was a rough time. I took a good deal of time to heal and work through several of my issues after I finally was able to stop pointing the finger at her and blaming her for everything that went wrong. I owned my part and began a long 7 year process of healing.
You see her sharing her past with you as she is going to repeat those mistakes.
She sees it as being open and honest, transparent with her faults to the man she loves.
You should work on your trust issues. Just cause she enjoys drinking wine and staying out late DOES NOT mean she is untrustworthy.
One doesn’t need to go out late to find someone to cheat with. Temptation is everywhere at all hours of the day.
I dated here and there, one relationship went on and off for about 3 years ... I thought I had sorted through all my issues and was a better man for it.
Then I met this one, was an amazing ride and we both thought God surely put us together. 8 months in was my first trigger and I felt those trust issues arise and I had a very difficult time dealing with them which tells me I have more work to do.
that is very dangerous and sad because you are there loving her and trying to ground her... who knows if she will have a chance with someone as patient as you are. I'm trying to change my ways personally at 21 because im terrified of becoming someone like her...Well, when you find yourself single in your 40’s you learn some good things... and some bad. People are broken and I think she is trying to come to grips with 2 worlds pulling at her, I admittedly went through a similar struggle 7 years ago and know I can’t save her I just hope she figures it out and she finds peace regardless of where her and I end up.
Posted by ideatit
I unfortunately can relate to this gemini all too well... I wonder which sign can handle us in our entirety. another gemini?? or are we forever alone until we learn to mature 🙃
I think this is part of it... she has one toe in the mature pool but another still wants to live up her 20’s
She is 44
That’s the thing, never tried to box her and I know above all this girl is born to converse and connect to anyone and everyone. I placed no expectations but fell for her and what she wanted at the time which was that postcard family, her duality caught me off guard so I’m trying to navigate that and let her know I accept both sides at the same time trying to see what that truly looks like
So why you are wrong
-Gemini isn’t into boxes. They are into the experience and energy of a connection. Even if you are perfect on paper if there is no mental connection it’s dead and they will flirt and have fun but you aren’t entering their mind. Gemini needs to be at the point where you are something they chose themselves and at a point where they are a bit obsessed mentally not emotionally. You have to plant the idea of the relationship and have that grow in their mind. Asking out, begging, pursuing, courtship, etc. Not our language. Eventually even though it’s amusing for a while there won’t be anything telling her it’s real.
The real point is that placing any sort of expectation on a mutable for that matter is going to feel like a trap to them and they may choose to walk into that trap but they also will eventually slip it.
I do think you are spot on with the trap thing... I feel she is torn because it’s what the church has been drilling into is but conflicts with her .... hence why I’m moving out and allowing her to figure out what she wants and who she wants to be
I have been through this after a 23 year relationship so I know I’ll be fine either way but I admit I’m crazy for this girl.
And no.... there has been no begging or pleading, more along the lines of sorry you feel that way but I respect your decision
Started falling apart a couple months ago. She would continuously seem to purge memories of her 3 main ex relationships, one of which was very hard for her. I was patient for a long time but asked her to refrain as I felt like it was disrespectful to me and to us especially when it was around the smaller group of friends whom even shared it seemed inappropriate. I honesty felt she should be in therapy but her mother and that word would set her off so I felt maybe she just needed to work through. ( I could have handled this better I know)
I didn't understand that you had already broken up, and she initiated it. What was the series of events? You told her you didn't like some things she was doing, then she came home from a road trip and broke up, and now you're moving out? Is that correct?
Dec 9th was the big fight, I about ended it then. She changed flights, stayed in Utah over night and went out to dinner and drinks till 2. a.m. and was absolutely hammered when she got home. I spun a bit, but what upset me was that she said she would call at 9 and was not till 11:30 when I called her that I knew what was going on. She asked me not to give up and that she could change so I thought we could work on it but it was hard for me to let it go.
This lead to anxiety and fights because she had a 5 day trip that happened last week. I forced myself not to freak but we had 2 fights leading up to it and she felt I did not trust her .... I denied if as I was trying to but she was right. So after she talked to her co-workers and single friends we were pretty much through when she came home Wednesday.
She left again Thursday to a trip with her family, 10 hour drive with her recently single sister and ended it via text. Radio silence since Friday up till a call yesterday about her asking logistics and my plans ... me staying in another room till I move, her paying me back a good deal of money and briefly on what happened between us. I also mentioned I did not care for her ex still pursuing her and she never put him in check during our relationship .... even though she has shared with everyone how he was a mistake and rebound from her ex-Husband.
Long I know but that's where we are now... I am looking at a place tonight and she will be home, first time since the one night she was there last week.
Thats the concern.
I'd probably worry too if the reason she cheated was the relationship got boring and/or difficult. That will always happen in every relationship from time to time.
If you're attempting to show her the error of her ways by moving out, that's a dead end. Move out if you want to. You can't out-ghost a Gemini.
No, we had a rocky couple weeks and she admitted she has checked out. We are not a match type thing, this all after a 10 hour road trip with her sister. So she said she just wanted to get through this breakup as peaceful as possible, thanked me for the things I did for her, her son, and how a calm relationship looked like. I accepted the breakup, told her I would not pressure into changing her mind nor staying in a relationship she wanted out of and I would be out by the end of the month. I am not trying to ghost her ... but I feel like she feels trapped and in a way controlled and I expressed I never wanted her to feel that way as it takes away from the core of who she is.
Posted by LittleStarNot sure if that was the case .... she was looking for several qualities and I checked off alot of those boxes. We were actually engaged, I have been infatuated before and I assure you this is not that. My mother is a Gemini and alot of those traits I know I gravitated to, the ones that have some people shaking their head on. It was not for a bit I realized same zodiac and started trying to apply some valuable knowledge from there.
She was never interested. She was having a good time. You were something to occupy time.
Move on because this is not what you want and don’t try to talk yourself into it just because you are infatuated.
Basically I came here to try to sort out my own feelings and thoughts and talk aloud hoping others could give a perspective that maybe I was missing. I question in a way if I was controlling her and trying to take her freedom or if I was in fact simply setting a boundary that she was not willing/able to compromise on.
Realizing this is the internet and that opens itself up to all sorts of things I have so far received some information I can muse over.
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Gemini
Ok so first off I am on the cusp, my father was a libra and I follow much more of those trends than Virgo.
I am later on in years, 48 and entered into a relationship with a Gemini woman. I still have the rocket burns that's how fast things went with her
@Huskerbolt1
Joined: Jan 20, 2020 · Topics: 1 · Posts: 16