Message Posts by melinoe
Posted by SeaLionI mean... of course there's a lot missing otherwise this would be too long for others to read. But, if you think you might be able to provide a better insight with more information (or you're just curious); here's a recap:
Seems to be a lot missing in this story but I dont expect any less from a Cancer.
Sounds like a toxic relationship.
FWB is a BAD idea since you already have feelings for this guy....you're just going to make it worse on yourself.
• Meet at a Creative Writing Afternoon Class (CWAC). I was "the new girl". Befriended a small group of people before he caught interest in me and approached.
• Hang out a couple of days. I was wary because he was know as a "womanizer"; but end up falling for him nonetheless. Started dating.
• He had a problem with the small group of people I had befriended -although, he was still somewhat polite to them. The issue being that one of the girls had "betrayed" him before (apparently rejected him) and he was sure this one guy was "ought to get him". Started asking me to keep my distance from them because "they would just hurt me" and we would soft-argue about it.
• A guy friend started being flirtatiousness with me (like: in a joking way). I turned him down and asked him to stop (he did) but Scorpio guy held me somewhat accountable for "allowing it" to happen in the first place. Ended up cutting all ties with this guy friend.
• Scorpio guy started saying one of the guys from the small group of people was trying to seduce me just to bother him. Mind you, this guy was gay, never spoke ill to me about Scorpio guy and I was doing anything in my power to reassure Scorpio guy I only had eyes for him. We became "official" shortly after that.
• Stopped all contact with small group of people; but then, he also didn't like that I would go to the CWAC when he couldn't attend, so I stopped going at all. I complied because I too much into his love-bombing to think straight.
• Found out he had been two-timing me and a girl from that small group of people (she was the one who told me). Confronted him, he didn't deny it; I did not stick around for an explanation. Went No-Contact for a short time and found support on friends (including the small group of people from the CWAC). Eventually, I crumbled and went back to him.
• We spoke, he insisted he wanted to give us a second chance and I asked him to come clean. He "didn't want to talk about it" because "the past is the past" and insisted I just "let go of it". He also said he was deeply sorry about it. I was still under his love-spell and agreed to try again; but found it extremely hard to move forward without fully knowing what happened, if he remained in contact with her, etc. During this time, he also blamed me for "trusting them over him" and "not giving him the benefit to explain himself". Said he couldn't trust me after I did that and that I would have to prove to him he could confide in me again.
• We started "casually-exclusively dating". I stopped talking to most friends, left the CWAC and spent most of my day reassuring him he could trust me. I invested in him so much emotional support that I failed to notice I was in need of it too. Whenever I reached out to him with my fears or thoughts about the past repeating itself; he would lash out in frustration and tell me he didn't want to talk about it because it hurt him too. Eventually, I forced myself to shut up about it.
• Then I found out he had been lying over a couple of other things, including: Going out on a date with an ex-lover, and having been flirting (more so than guy friend had been with me) with another girl during the time we were boyfriend/girlfriend. Confronted him about it, he accepted the fault and said he would stop all contact with the ex-lover and that the thing with the other girl had been "nothing serious". Told me I had to trust him, like fully trust him... also mentioned he was even less trustful about me because I had "gone behind his back". This was all on Social Media; and while I admit I wasn't a saint, all I wanted was the truth because I've spent weeks chasing him while all he did was say I was "suffocating" him -but then complaining I was probably "cheating" if I gave him too much space.
• I admit that, after learning he had lied to me, I briefly returned to the friends I had abandoned because I felt sincerely devastated and could barely cope with it all by myself.
• My birthday came a while afterwards and he forgot about it. Next day, I sort of mentioned it (very casually; no accusations) and all he said was "Oh, happy late birthday". I understand not everyone is big on birthdays, but I would expect someone that has a crush on you to at least apologize for forgetting. I won't lie; this hurt me badly and probably was a turntable for me.
• Next month I was a mess. He got busy at work and I started giving him space -A LOT of space- focusing on myself. I started getting restless that the relationship was stuck, there was hardly any intimacy (kisses, hugs) and yet, I was still expected to accept all his "requirements" for "being with him" -like: not joining any afternoon classes, avoiding clubs with guys, don't go out drinking too late at night, befriending his friend but also keeping my distance from them, etc. I wouldn't have minded so much if I at least felt that he cared about my loneliness, but whenever I physically searched for him he kept saying he just wasn't "feeling the closeness". I honestly don't know why I stayed with him during that month. I was emotionally burned out... I remember one night asking myself: What does this guy give me that it's worth all this suffering? Couldn't find an answer.
• All along he kept saying he didn't want to lose me and how much he wanted to "recover the spark we had lost". I never really lost the spark, so I just felt I was waiting for it to regain it while also being the one who had to light it up for him again. I was feeling very insecure during this time but whenever I spoke up about it, he would immediately say I was in the wrong and to just stop it. I understand he was probably tired of my emotions, but he did little to try to make me feel safe; while I did everything I could think of, to make him feel confident that I was 100% fighting for us. He also had a downfall with an old female friend with whom I connected and who encouraged me to put my wants first. He "forbid" me to speak to her because she had betrayed him.
• At some point I simply backed off completely from him -like: I would not longer initiate, stopped waiting for his call, no longer searched for him, etc. This prompt him to start suspecting that there was "something going on" with me. I was acting "weird", he announced, and butter me up into "opening" myself to him. I asked him if he was ready to start a formal relationship, as by then we've been just casually meeting up (exclusively, I guess, I mean I was and so did he said but I had no way of knowing for sure). He replied with "no" to the relationship; and "I'm yours if you're mine" to the second part. Then, shortly after, pulled back again because "he still couldn't fully trust me."
• I lost it. I'm not gonna sugar coat it. I went ballistic. I caught smoke that he was cheating on me again and accused him without proofs. He got angry. Really angry. He kept defending himself saying he had been nothing but truthful; and I didn't really have any evidence to support otherwise. Still, I couldn't bring myself to believe him and the fight spread for three days until eventually I realize, I was just fighting out of spite and hurt-ego. And being the Cancer I am, I closed every romantic emotion towards him because the pain became unbearable. It was not worth it, not anymore, so I told him I trusted him because I would rather trust than keep thinking so low about me that some would even consider cheating on me. He wasn't happy with this way of thinking and, of course, told me he couldn't trust my words. But I didn't really cared anymore -at least, not the way I used to. In his words "my heart wants you, but my mind can't bring itself to trust you".
• Then, he fully backed out because, searching for "evidence", I had briefly joined another CWAC and, therefore, broken my promise to him.
• That was at the beginning of this month. At first, I thought maybe things would sort out by themselves. But after we had sex in between one of the blow-outs; all I remember was wondering if he was just doing it to shut me up about it. I think he was, but I am honestly tired of chasing the truth.
• Anyway, I told him I was done with us. He insisted he wanted me to stay and try it again, although he couldn't but he wanted it. I accepted it because, hell, I can be stupid sometimes; but we went from a kiss in the forehead a day, to <>. Finally realized he was either letting me go or just playing me; and I did not deserve this. Hence, this post.
Because the truth is that he still holds on to me and does small gestures, and gives me all of his free time, etc. But I am tired of having to prove myself to him; of hearing him say he doesn't trust me and yet expecting me to cut everyone out of my life, while reserving himself the right to do what he wants. And it wouldn't such a problem except that I feel I am being stringed along.
I guess I just didn't want to be "bad guy" and break up with him so bluntly. I enjoy his company, but what he asks me to accept in order to give the minimum of attention to me is just insulting.. and, yes, I wanted to see if there was a way I could buy my cake and eat it too. But I see now that isn't going to be that way. And after writing all of this.. YIKES! I seriously need to cut ties. So, I guess thank you for helping me see the bigger picture. lol.
Anyway, that's the full story. Hope you enjoyed the read
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**UPDATE
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First, I want yo thank you all for your words of advice. They have helped me realize how I allowed myself to be treated this way and it is time for me to put myself first and stop caring so much about not hurting his feelings when I'm also suffering.
I spoke with him and let him know I no longer pursue a romantic relationship with him. But I do value our connection and I'm willing to remain friends after we have both grieved our romance. I tried to be clear that this was my decision and not a consequence of something he had done; also, that I do not blame him for the choices I made (i.e.: cutting ties with mentioned friends) but I am not interested making them again. If he is okay with that, he's welcomed to stay in my life; otherwise, I am fine with letting him go.
He had to go back to his own responsibilities shortly after, but said he wanted to talk about this more calmly. I don't know if he plans to butter me into giving in again, or if he just want to sting me so hard that I'll regret this. In any case, I am not waiting him longer than today and I'm already (metaphorically) packing away.
**UPDATE
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First, I want yo thank you all for your words of advice. They have helped me realize how I allowed myself to be treated this way and it is time for me to put myself first and stop caring so much about not hurting his feelings when I'm also suffering.
I spoke with him and let him know I no longer pursue a romantic relationship with him. But I do value our connection and I'm willing to remain friends after we have both grieved our romance. I tried to be clear that this was my decision and not a consequence of something he had done; also, that I do not blame him for the choices I made (i.e.: cutting ties with mentioned friends) but I am not interested making them again. If he is okay with that, he's welcomed to stay in my life; otherwise, I am fine with letting him go.
He had to go back to his own responsibilities shortly after, but said he wanted to talk about this more calmly. I don't know if he plans to butter me into giving in again, or if he just want to sting me so hard that I'll regret this. In any case, I am not waiting him longer than today and I'm already (metaphorically) packing away.
Posted by exoskeleton_Oh, my, I cried and laughed with that strip.
IMAGE
I am usually a very cold-minded person, but this guy caught me off-guarded. I guess I fell hard for the whole "you get me" and "you are able to love me the way I want to be loved" bubble at beginning. And as I kept following that (now lost) feeling I never stopped to actually considered what the relationship between us had become: how I kept giving and giving, and he felt confident enough to pull away -while still expecting me to give.
Posted by sweethearts<You are 100% right! The past summer it's been just like this: Only the two of us... except that I've done nothing but try to get closer to him and he's been pushing me away for the silliest of reasons. I guess this is why I am here. I just needed the reassurance that I was not overly-dramatic or "crazy" like he makes me believe. Thank you for your words!
He’s manipulating you and trying to control who you spend time with, eventually it’ll be just the two of you [...]
Posted by Arielle83I am slowly starting to realize this and after reading you all I realize I've been somewhat of a doormat -I mean, I never really put any boundaries... I need to speak up and stop caring about his wants over my own needs; and just let him choose whether he accepts my new terms and we remain friends, or it's time for both of us to move on. Thanks!
Doesn’t sound like it will ever evolve into a respectful romantic one.
You can love and care about someone without it being romantic, but platonic
You have to set boundaries and not be as frequent with each other.
Posted by PhoenixStormI can't say I didn't because I might have done it without being aware of it. He did -at some point- mentioned a couple of things I did that made him feel betrayed... but so did he and I was expected to just "get over it" because "he didn't lie" or "he had his reasons". There does seem to be a lot of resentment from my part; and insecurity on his side.
You said you had to “regain” his trust, was there a point that you did something that betrayed the trust and you were caught up in something?
Posted by BlueStarOh.. that's just what I feared. Sigh.
Okay so he’s just mind fucking with you.
Why do you need him in your life? Are you bored?
I don't need him, I am allowing him into my life because I actually enjoy having deep conversations with him, the kisses/sex are amazing and he somewhat gets my emotional roller coaster. I believe that, had we prevented getting all emotionally tangled up, we would have had quite a nice relationship.
In any case, all I am is to understand what does he want because (a) I don't want to feel like I am somehow manipulating him or stringing him along, (b) I don't want to risk being the victim of the famous "sting" by thinking X while he things Y; and (c) despite it all, I still care about him as a human being.
Posted by PulsyThere were many times trust was broken... on both sides. Just to name a few:
What was the trust that was broken
We’re u talking to guys?
• I refused to 100% give up interacting with a group of people that he didn't like but who were always nice to me.
• He had been two-timing a girl from that group; and when I learned about this, I left without allowing him to "explain" himself.
• After agreeing to give it a "second try", I found myself even more unwilling to let go of that group of people (who I have befriended during the time we were "off").
• Learned he had broken a promise; which pushed me further away as I started noticing his "true colors".
• He kept saying I broke my promises to him, but he was never clear with what exactly he wanted me to do (i.e. He encouraged me to befriend his friends, but then when I started hanging out with them he got a problem with it)
• Kept saying I had to keep "fighting for him" but he did little to nothing to make me feel secure or as it was worth fighting for -i.e. He didn't even call on my birthday nor did he apologized for forgetting about it :/
• I ended up accusing him on cheating on me which he denied; but I found it extremely hard to believe him. In the end, I decided to let it go and "trust him again" because it was just easier than trying to find the "truth" -and I was done with all the pain and drama.
Posted by Dread_Pirate_PhantaI am a Cancer. I don't mind giving up control (allowing him to mostly win) but it was hard for me to give up friendships just because he had some problem with them -and it turned out the problem was him.
What's your sign? I don't. Scorpio is always in control even if that means they lose. They lose on their terms.
Posted by BlueStarI don't want to risk falling in love with him again, hence I would rather keep things casual and just enjoy each other as friends (and I wouldn't complain over having some benefits as well). The thing is, I don't know if he is interested in me or just hanging to me because of whatever reason he might have. He doesn't want to "be" with me, as I asked him if he wanted to start a formal relationship and he blatantly rejected me -but he also doesn't seem to be 100% with being "just friends".
You are a human being. You can make choices. You are saying you don’t want to be with him and that he wants to be with you or is interested in you.
If you have forgotten you can chose to leave someone behind then that’s something you need to work on.
I don't want to leave him behind, I just want to now what is going on with him. I've tried asking him but he gives me no straight answer :/
Posted by Dread_Pirate_PhantaOh, I learn that the hard way.
Once trust is broken with a Scorpio it's fucked, even if it was a misunderstanding that led to said broken trust. The more you try to earn back his trust the more he'll resent you.
Almost wish he hadn't insisted that I "tried to earn his trust back", otherwise I would have walked away -albeit, hurting so deep- long time ago. If I stuck around to make amends it was because he asked me to "fight for him", to "prove him he could trust me", and because he insisted he wanted to go back to the nice way things were back then.
That's why I no longer care about trying to regain it. I am just being sincere for the sake of avoiding conflict.
Posted by BlueStarI am honestly curious... Why do you believe I am the one who has him on a string when he was the one who was done trying to trust me? And, do you really see me like the one in control?
Ghosting has it’s purpose.
Unless you like having the attention, then sure, keep him on a string.
You have control. All you have to do is use it.
Dated this Scorpio guy for a while and things didn't work out as hoped. The main issue being that he felt he couldn't trust me, and I felt he was too controlling (more than the average Scorpio). Broke up back in June but decided to "try it again" in a more casual way. Terrible mistake. Spent the next two and a half months pinning over him and trying my best to regain his trust, but there was always some set back. He would refuse to "let me go" -so to speak- so I kept going back to him. Then comes September and I explode in jealousy over an incident which ultimately leads him to say he can no longer even try to trust me. I tell him I find it hard to trust him as well and I'm no longer interested in fighting for whatever this "thing" (our relationship) was. I back away but find myself unable to go full no contact -as I still care for him, even if it is a more friendly way.
In my mind, all of the above means we're officially over; as in, we are "exes" and don't owe each other nothing. I am not so sure about him. He keeps being the first to initiate contact, brings me coffee in the morning (work), shares with me his worries, asks about my day, seems to get jealous of random things (like me changing my whatsapp stats) and tells me he "likes me" randomly. I still like this guy so I wouldn't mind being in a fwb relationship with him, but last we spoke about keeping things that way he seemed reluctant to it. I don't want to be overemotional again and insist we talk about "us" -mostly because there is no "us"- but I am also tired of not knowing if I am "allowed" to move on or risk the "sting" that would come from me hanging out with other guys.
How can I approach this -what are we playing?- without being emotionally annoying o hurting his Scorpio ego?
Thanks!
In my mind, all of the above means we're officially over; as in, we are "exes" and don't owe each other nothing. I am not so sure about him. He keeps being the first to initiate contact, brings me coffee in the morning (work), shares with me his worries, asks about my day, seems to get jealous of random things (like me changing my whatsapp stats) and tells me he "likes me" randomly. I still like this guy so I wouldn't mind being in a fwb relationship with him, but last we spoke about keeping things that way he seemed reluctant to it. I don't want to be overemotional again and insist we talk about "us" -mostly because there is no "us"- but I am also tired of not knowing if I am "allowed" to move on or risk the "sting" that would come from me hanging out with other guys.
How can I approach this -what are we playing?- without being emotionally annoying o hurting his Scorpio ego?
Thanks!
I've done it, albeit it was a very particular situation in which there was no way I could develop feelings for the guy -I just never "connected" with him that way. Honesty played a huge part in allowing it to happen. Will add it was a great experience and ever then I've been longing for that sort of relationship.