Advice for dealing with an Aquarian mom

This topic was created in the Aquarius forum by taurgirlll on Friday, January 30, 2009 and has 26 replies.
Hello all, I've always had problems with my mom and decided to look at it from this angle. She's very opinionated and critcizes everything i do and becomes angry when I don't want to take her unsolited advice and pats herself on the back for it and expects me to do the same and says i should take constructive criticism but never anything positive. Two days ago, she blocked my number because I told her sometimes "i just don't feel like hearing it" in response to a comment that "i sure don't like talking about anything wrong with my kids". She's a great person but we are like oil and water most of the time, I am very private and she is constantly in my business and can call me 3-4 times a day every day. I'll admit I'm moody & opinionated but i stay out of other people's business. We can easily have a rift and not talk for a year until I apologize no matter who's fault. How can i assert my independence without hurtung her feelings?
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you have to not take her so seriously.
Aquas have a lot of opinions and are very passionate about this opinions forgetting that others may not feel the same --- because they think about it a lot, they assume they're right. thinking is still idea realm and does not always equal other people's reality.
I have an Aqua dad, when he gives his opinion, he means it, I laugh at him and tell him in a playful manner why I think he's BS-ing and he laughs and we play punch to end it --- or call each other funny names.... but I'm always amazed how many people take him seriously and let him have his way >>> so this makes him feel kinda like superior and expects everyone to think he's right smile
My taurus sister can't get along with him too --- they have their moments where for like 1yr, no speaking to the other, then make up gently or tensely... fixed signs I guess, equally stubborn.
Remember Aquas are similar to Taurus >>> the see things their way so hard for you to shake them. As Aqua parents, they want to be proud of their kids and want their kids to out-do every kid on the block --- very competitive... taurus is similar but they care how people view their material success, aqua care how people view their intellectual success... so taurus may be working hard to be financially comfortable, aqua will be putting all to be intellectually appreciated >>> both might shun each other's mean of doing this... one will think one is a joke or too snobby or too something... as a mom, she will be critical if she has visions of what you should do - forgetting you have your own visions --- as aqua or fixed sign, if your visions are not one she see herself in, she will hardly accept.
Anyway, lighten up --- fixed signs are some of the people that expect the world to take them seriously... causes too much friction if they don't get it. you're family, you can't change it, lighten it up and save the battle for the outside world smile
if things are lighter, she'll see you're not unhappy which should be her priority as a mother... your happiness. If you snap and argue, she may think you're unhappy doing what you do so she'll push her ideas more.
Good luck
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I always right.
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@Lady_M See what i mean "mom is that you" lol
but seriously, thanks for your comments esp. zenalchemy, i do take things way too serious.
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Winking Just for you Shaka dear.
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lol @ breakdancing
A lot of people dont think in terms of letting others have their way, they just DONT care enough to start a discussion with someone on something they arent interested discussing about to begin with, so even if the other person might assume they are just weak for "letting him have his way", many times this is not the case, as simple as that, those are usually the "go with the flow" types
lol that's a good point evan... but I'm not a fixed sign so don't really think of people in terms of weak or strong. But I think we have a completely different scenerio in mind - as mine's a case of something the other person's very involved in with him not a random discussion.
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Maybe she is hoping that one day you'll remember her words at the optune moment.
lol
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lol!^^
I have a cancer mom...guilt trip heaven Sad
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^^^ lol got me a taurus mom - she really works hard on the guilt trip, but she's just not good at it Sad
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Well you have to understand that Aquas can be like this in their friendships & relationships too, not just when they're parenting. You have to understand that yes, she might be going about having a good & close-nit relationship with you the wrong way. But the BIG PICTURE is, she truly means no harm. You know what it's like when you just want the best for someone, but when you see them messing up, it's alot easier to put them down for it instead of lifting them up. It's like when a woman gains weight & everyone around her keeps making fun of her, dogging her out & saying everything that UNmotivates her to lose the weight. But then you notice, that all those peope will say "well we care about you & want you to love yourself" & they won't even realize that they made it worse, when they were really deep down just trying to make you see the raw reality of things.
Aqua parents have a hard time understanding why others won't listen to them. Most of the things your mother told you were probably right & spoken with good intention, but the problem is her "delivery" is all wrong & the child ends up resenting the mother instead of appreciating the mother. In her mind, she'd rather give you tough love, tell it like it is, even if that means taking the risk of you resenting her b/c in her mind, it's not about soothing your feelings or ego. It's about "right" or "wrong." And the thing is, she's only doing things this way b/c she doesn't know how to do them any other way. She doesn't feel guilty for what she says & how she comes off to you b/c she wants you to see the big picture in what she's trying to tell you, instead of focusing too much on or trying to rebel just b/c she said something the wrong way.
Trying to convince an Aqua that the way they "tick" doesn't mesh well with how you "tick" is a waste of time, b/c no matter what you are to her (husband, daughter, co-worker), she'll always be true to herself. It sucks what I'm about to tell you but it is what it is. Instead of waiting on her to change her ways (b/c she's halfway through her lifetime & stuck in her ways) you have to learn how to adapt differently to her & react differently to her. She probably feels that you are the child that never listens & is destined for doom when in fact that's probably not true. And understand that it is VERY important to an Aqua that the people closest to them make them feel that they are needed, appreciated & loved even more for their mindset & insights.
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You have to take her consistency in trying to make you get the "big picture" as no different than a person who doesn't give up on someone no matter what. She wants you to say, "my mother won't quit b/c she loves me & is protective over me just THAT much more" versus saying, "I wish she would back off." Aquas are so used to others leaning on them for everything (especially when it comes to advice) to the point that we don't even know how to handle it when others actually don't need us for those things.
The best thing you can do is to not give in every single time she forces her opinion about everything on you. Show her that you're grown now & that she taught you well enough to handle life on your own. She might give you credit for making good decisions in your life but if she can sense that you don't listen well, she'll let that little fact about you take over all of how she parents to you. In her mind, she doesn't see it as she's talking way too much & butting in way too much to the point of actually UNmotivating you instead of motivating you to do better. And she never will realize this b/c she'll convince herself that until you're in her shoes, you'll always be ungrateful & never appreciate or come to understand why she is the way she is.
Sure, no doubt. I think she should back off a little bit. If she really felt that she raised you right, she has to let you go & give herself the chance to see if you listened to her & took the morals she taught you with you in life. But no, she's acting like you're a dog. She wants to train you to be the best thing known to man but when it's time for you to show her what you've learned from the "training" she won't let you off the leash. Being disrespectful to your mom or bluntly telling her that her parenting skills aren't adding to the appreciation of how mothers & daughters should be, will just make it worse. Your best bet would just be to stop giving in to her so much & make it CLEAR that you are your own person. She won't give you that credit unless you SHOW her.
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Instead of waiting on her to change her ways (b/c she's halfway through her lifetime & stuck in her ways) you have to learn how to adapt differently to her & react differently to her.
lol
this is a 2 way street, if you adjust taurusgirll, your mom adjusts too --- do NOT change for anyone that refuses to stay stuck in their ways. It's a nice tidy excuse. Trust me she will change her delivery, my dad has... he can stay true to himself as long as he doesn't expect anyone to recognise his way as the best... and everyone can stay true to themselves too --- he seems happier for it too. The mature Aquas I know realise that the people closest to them will recognise the humanity and flaws... the outer world can gush on their other aspects.
Parents may or may not realise at one point or another that they are not right... the bigger picture here is doing it the aqua way... air signs use words like 'evolved, intelligent, weird, bigger picture, etc' to pass of their ways as the correct way...
ask anyone with a fixed sign parent, there was head butting - parents generally don't know when to back off --- at the same time, some parents don't know how to give attention --- no one has parenting right, everyone does it their way disregarding that we all need to be educated on something at some point --- i feel for you because you're a fixed sign too. like said above, show your independence smile
anyone's way is equally valid.
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I'm definitely not gonna be giving in if it's something that doesn't make sense and I'll have to find a better way of communicating it out of dignity and respect for her position and intentions, I'm really ultra-polite to people and it takes a lot for me to ever snap at someone, for the most part she really does mean well but sometimes it will go into hypergear and I'll get a criticizm from head to toe, hair, skin, clothes, figure, "why did you wear those shoes". Who would want to be around that, nobody...
She regularly talks about people bad that on the phone I take it from my ear, just waiting for a pause in conversation to say uhuh. Still I've tried calling her to apologize and my home phone is blocked and she didn't block my cell number but won't answer and she knows I want to apologize. I just don't want it to be a year later, it's not that serious, but she is who she is and I guess she'll come around when she's ready
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this is the thing --- she blocked you as a reaction to what she said.... hence she can speak her mind but you're NOT allowed to do the same?
come on, let's call a spade a spade, that's the reaction a child should be using.... she has had you --- it's a life-long relationship... a more mature approach will be beneficial for all.
Your reaching out to her will mean you want something from her or she thinks she has some hold over you that entitles her to that control mechanism whenever you don't agree with her. She has to realise you can do with or without her >>> that is a fact of life.
Fixed signs kids benefit from a parent who teaches them about the strength in compromise and adaptibility... same way mutable/cardinal signs benefit from parents who encourage structure in finishing goals.
If the fixed sign parent doesn't let go of their ego enough to pass on some lessons in compromise, how is the child supposed to learn this... most of all a fixed sign child? idk
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Welcome to my world, i must mention that that she has anxiety and depression (medicated) issues (that i forget about from time to time) and she's not working and the increase in interference, multiple calls, and obsessive moments are occuring because she has more time, too much time on her hands but it's just gets to me sometimes, my only options up to this point have been to ignore, not take the advice, or answer firmly okay! But any open criticism will cause world war III. If someone has issues I don't know what the point of personal responsibility is, i have to read some books on the subject
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I never said completely give in & surrender to your mom. All I said was that if you SHOWING her or demanding respect & privacy doesn't work (b/c she is too set in her ways) then try to change how you react & respond to how she is. That's in no way saying, surrender to her or let her be herself while you can't be your own self.
It's no different then when our boss at work is an A-hole. We all want to go off on our bosses but yet we need the job & those benefits, but know that sooner or later, he'll realize that it'll hurt him more than help him if he's mean to his employee. BUT, while we wait on that realization to come, all we can do is NOT let his comments bother us. I think it's just as unhealthy to let how your mom is ruin how you see things just as worse as how your mom parents to you. It takes 2. It IS possible to demand respect from authority but also still be respectful & appreciative of that very same person. People who anger you, control you. I'm telling you to mentally attempt to block out all of the negative things your mother does b/c if not, you'll always be resentful & miserable & if she assumes that you'll always bow down to her, it's no wonder she won't change.
You've got to figure out a way to communicate how you feel to her & make this a win/win situation. You might have to have someone in or outside of the family (that she actually WILL listen to) tell her how you feel. It might help if another adult tells her what she's doing wrong (so that she won't feel superior like she doesn't when she's talking to her child). Do some research on how to get parents to back up & back off (especially Aqua moms) & try all of the options b/c I'm sure you wish your relationship with your mother would be better if there was a chance. I think she is wrong & a little too overbearing but all you can do UNTIL & IF she changes her ways is change how upset you let her make you
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"Parents may or may not realise at one point or another that they are not right... the bigger picture here is doing it the aqua way... air signs use words like 'evolved, intelligent, weird, bigger picture, etc' to pass of their ways as the correct way..."
And it's not just Aquas make logic out of what is "right" or "wrong." Alot of parents who've had trust issues or childhood issues in their own past tend to let their past control how they raise their own children. I don't think it's a bad thing that she wants what's "right" for you. B/c I'm sure you'd resent a mother even more if she absolutely DID NOT care. Everyone doesn't have a mother who even cares or is concerned enough about their well being. BUT how she "delivers" her demands as a mother wanting the best for her child is wrong. But what if she never changes? What if what you're seeing is how she'll always be? What then? Is the answer, be disrespectful? Be resentful all of your life? Be miserable b/c you love your mother but don't like her? It is VERY possible that your mother will not change, so all you can do is try to cope & accept her for who she is & what wrongs she does, the same way you want her to accept you for those same things. If she calls 5 times a day, don't answer the phone all of those times. Answer the phone once. If she talks negatively about other people, oh well, that's HER battle, but don't make it yours. If she won't let you have your privacy, make it so that she doesn't have FULL access to your private life, etc.
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^^^ that has not gotten to that point yet... well not on taurusgirll's part. No one I know have a perfect relationship with their parents.
I think the key here is both need to lighten up - if they don't they can't back off. That's what worked with both of my fixed sign parents... but I am adaptable as I am not a fixed sign... it is something that was never possible for my taurus sister.... both have EQUAL amount of stubbornness - no matter the age, as a permanent chart placement... parents are older so had longer to set in ther ways but all can make necessary adjustments -- no exceptions but it doesn't have to be done with resentment that's why it is vital to lighten the situation up and be able to laugh at the situation when things have settled --- the dust needs to settle on both sides... get her distracted into getting involved with hobbies and things with people she actually likes. That way she has less time to attempt to fix you.
2 people need to do work and see things from various points of view --- as this is a life long situation... you cannot quit it like a job.
It will also be good if you start this topic on the taurus board cos I know a lot of fixed sign kids go through this battle with their parents...
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at the moment, there are equal amounts of disrespecting going on... parent or kid as long as human deserve the same respect in order to get it back. Respect will never be returned if it is not given to begin with. Expecting it because you gave birth or did your best by the kid has its limits too.
The resentment will become a huge factor if one person does all the adjustments and the other doesn't --- rule of thumb.
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I can see the logic in both positions K7 and ZC, i think it'll have to be both, she is set in her ways and I will have to work with it, at the same time if changes are not made even if only on my part, i'll be in my 60's feeling powerless and full of resentment, how i react is totally up to me
I just posted this on the taur board, good suggestion ZC
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smile sounds good - will check out the responses.
how i react is totally up to me
exactly and how she reacts is up to her --- you've done your part.
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lol ! crazy geminis Tongue
got a very close friend who's gemini... her dad's Leo - fixed controlling too but she slips and slids around him just like I do with my fixed sign parents... but her fixed sign scorpio sister can't do it... WW3! fixed sign battle's amusing and upsetting at the same time to watch Confused
lol @ zenal - already been through that with evan somewhere else, can't help himself so gotta let 'im be.
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^^^ exactly, try sitting through 3 fixed signs arguing while you're trying to watch cartoons as a kid
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Okay, try waking up at 7 a.m (even on a weekend) because your Leo dad wakes up early and so should you.
hahahahahaha that's funny cos my aqua dad does that! he says we've got no discipline... he wakes up at like 5am and starts grooming till like 6.30 and steps out of his room and starts knocking on doors... asking for breakfast... jesus!
got to the point as we were growing up where everyone just ignored him and put on music, he got the point fast smile
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Mine is Leo & Taurus.
lol - mine's Aqua and Taurus --- throw in Taurus older sister, Cap older bro and Scorp younger bro...
I was the 1st to leave home the earliest and 1st chance I could get, never turned back... so they've made me the peace-maker because I just watch them from the sidelines.
set in our opinions and choosing battles.
this is it, most of the battles were just not worth blinking over... I did way worse than any of them but no one knew cos I never spoke, just did... my standard response when grilled is 'huh?' with a perplexed look on face....
noticed most of their battles were opinion based and half the time they were saying the same thing but just different ways so didn't realise - it's like talking to a brick wall smile may the battle live on Tongue
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hahahaha - Jesus! that's shocking... you the only mutable! lol
my cap and scorp bros threatened to kill each other regularly, still do - even get the killing equipment out - used to get my ass kicked a lot trying to plead with them but as got older, I would just lock myself in my room and tell them to 'kill each other already and give us a break' smile
the cap and taurus have never seen eye to eye since they were born - cap wants to be the 1st kid but he isn't so tried to eliminate 1st kid taurus many times...
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