Controlling?
This topic was created in the Aquarius forum by HappyCapper on Thursday, September 30, 2021 and has 86 replies.
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In relationships where I have lived together with a guy, we have always consented to the following rule:
If one of the people in the couple is out without the other, we have set a, for us, reasonable time. Before that time, we either come home or message a new time, just so that the other person doesn't have to worry about the other person's safety.
Me and my aqua co-worker talked about this and he found it controlling and if his gf would even suggest such a rule, he would break up with her. I don't think it's controlling at all - to me it's just comon sense and I have never before met a person having a problem with it. But then I know no aqua people except for him, so...
So, what do you think? Is this controlling or not?
If one of the people in the couple is out without the other, we have set a, for us, reasonable time. Before that time, we either come home or message a new time, just so that the other person doesn't have to worry about the other person's safety.
Me and my aqua co-worker talked about this and he found it controlling and if his gf would even suggest such a rule, he would break up with her. I don't think it's controlling at all - to me it's just comon sense and I have never before met a person having a problem with it. But then I know no aqua people except for him, so...
So, what do you think? Is this controlling or not?
I think it's a very good idea and I would love that. It would never work on my aries ex though. He always got caught up in something and lost track of time.
Maybe women are a bit more worried about safety and getting home alright than men. I used to message my aqua friend when I was getting home late so that at least someone knew where I was in case I got kidnapped. 😅
Posted by alexscaries
I don't think so, but every relationship has different rules and personalities.
Agreed.
Posted by Timone
I think it's a very good idea and I would love that. It would never work on my aries ex though. He always got caught up in something and lost track of time.
It has worked really well for me and my partners.
A lot of pisces in his chart? I have a pisces mars and can wander off, sometimes. But not very often - I'm still a capricorn.
Posted by HappyCapperNo he just lived in the moment and forgot about everything else.Posted by Timone
I think it's a very good idea and I would love that. It would never work on my aries ex though. He always got caught up in something and lost track of time.
It has worked really well for me and my partners.
A lot of pisces in his chart? I have a pisces mars and can wander off, sometimes. But not very often - I'm still a capricorn.click to expand
Posted by Timone
Maybe women are a bit more worried about safety and getting home alright than men. I used to message my aqua friend when I was getting home late so that at least someone knew where I was in case I got kidnapped. 😅
Must admit to being the "it doesn't happen to me" type. "We can take care of ourselves." It was actually my bf's suggestion and I thought it was a good one.
Posted by TimonePosted by HappyCapperPosted by Timone
I think it's a very good idea and I would love that. It would never work on my aries ex though. He always got caught up in something and lost track of time.
It has worked really well for me and my partners.
A lot of pisces in his chart? I have a pisces mars and can wander off, sometimes. But not very often - I'm still a capricorn.
No he just lived in the moment and forgot about everything else.click to expand
Sometimes, I wish I was like that.
Posted by Antiphates
I wouldn't agree to it, but it's not controlling.
Why wouldn't you agree to it?
As a Sag, I wouldn’t agree to it and I’m a women.
I was married and stayed out as long as I wanted, without checking in, and he was sleeping when I came in late.
I wouldn’t even remember to stop doing what I’m doing, just to send a text of “what I’m doing now and will continue to do, so I can’t make curfew”. 😏
Some people don’t worry about this type of thing and trust their partners to be responsible and to enjoy their time out with friends.
It’s not controlling, more of a nuisance.
Do you wait up for your boyfriend like a parent would wait for their teenagers to come home?
I was married and stayed out as long as I wanted, without checking in, and he was sleeping when I came in late.
I wouldn’t even remember to stop doing what I’m doing, just to send a text of “what I’m doing now and will continue to do, so I can’t make curfew”. 😏
Some people don’t worry about this type of thing and trust their partners to be responsible and to enjoy their time out with friends.
It’s not controlling, more of a nuisance.
Do you wait up for your boyfriend like a parent would wait for their teenagers to come home?
No, it's just normal, respectful behaviour!
It would look controlling only to someone with selfish or shady behaviour.
It would look controlling only to someone with selfish or shady behaviour.
Controlling would be your partner asking: "What do you mean you are going out till late without me?"
Posted by HappyCapper
In relationships where I have lived together with a guy, we have always consented to the following rule:
If one of the people in the couple is out without the other, we have set a, for us, reasonable time. Before that time, we either come home or message a new time, just so that the other person doesn't have to worry about the other person's safety.
Me and my aqua co-worker talked about this and he found it controlling and if his gf would even suggest such a rule, he would break up with her. I don't think it's controlling at all - to me it's just comon sense and I have never before met a person having a problem with it. But then I know no aqua people except for him, so...
So, what do you think? Is this controlling or not?
Hmph.
It may come off as controlling to another because I think the "rule" that you outlined seems like a pretty a basic courtesy that goes without saying, so why does it have to be laid out as a "rule"? It's not an expectation I've ever had to clearly state, and both myself and partner do this without issue so the other isn't worried about the other when we plan to spend the night out. I think in general, there are some people that will do what is suitable for the harmony of the relationship, however they simply don't like to be told to do it. I know I am one of those people.
Would I leave the relationship? Lol...um that's a bit dramatic. However I may pepper my partner for sh*ts and giggles over feeling the need to lay out something so basic.
Posted by PhoenixRisingI agree, it's common courtesy.Posted by HappyCapper
In relationships where I have lived together with a guy, we have always consented to the following rule:
If one of the people in the couple is out without the other, we have set a, for us, reasonable time. Before that time, we either come home or message a new time, just so that the other person doesn't have to worry about the other person's safety.
Me and my aqua co-worker talked about this and he found it controlling and if his gf would even suggest such a rule, he would break up with her. I don't think it's controlling at all - to me it's just comon sense and I have never before met a person having a problem with it. But then I know no aqua people except for him, so...
So, what do you think? Is this controlling or not?
Hmph.
It may come off as controlling to another because I think the "rule" that you outlined seems like a pretty a basic courtesy that goes without saying, so why does it have to be laid out as a "rule"? It's not an expectation I've ever had to clearly state, and both myself and partner do this without issue so the other isn't worried about the other when we plan to spend the night out. I think in general, there are some people that will do what is suitable for the harmony of the relationship, however they simply don't like to be told to do it. I know I am one of those people.
Would I leave the relationship? Lol...um that's a bit dramatic. However I may pepper my partner for sh*ts and giggles over feeling the need to lay out something so basic.click to expand
The "rule"...is just semantic. Some people actually like instruction manuals. That situation sounds like a playful attempt to write one. Nothing wrong with that. How easy would life be if we all come with one, and are upfront and honest about it.
Could be replace with "agreement", "mutual expectation", "courtesy". It's binding for both of them.
Posted by Undine
No, it's just normal, respectful behaviour!
It would look controlling only to someone with selfish or shady behaviour.
LOL. I swear you tickle me because I am often torn whenever I read your posts:
*reads first few statements*
*read last statements at the end of the post*
Posted by UndinePosted by PhoenixRisingPosted by HappyCapper
In relationships where I have lived together with a guy, we have always consented to the following rule:
If one of the people in the couple is out without the other, we have set a, for us, reasonable time. Before that time, we either come home or message a new time, just so that the other person doesn't have to worry about the other person's safety.
Me and my aqua co-worker talked about this and he found it controlling and if his gf would even suggest such a rule, he would break up with her. I don't think it's controlling at all - to me it's just comon sense and I have never before met a person having a problem with it. But then I know no aqua people except for him, so...
So, what do you think? Is this controlling or not?
Hmph.
It may come off as controlling to another because I think the "rule" that you outlined seems like a pretty a basic courtesy that goes without saying, so why does it have to be laid out as a "rule"? It's not an expectation I've ever had to clearly state, and both myself and partner do this without issue so the other isn't worried about the other when we plan to spend the night out. I think in general, there are some people that will do what is suitable for the harmony of the relationship, however they simply don't like to be told to do it. I know I am one of those people.
Would I leave the relationship? Lol...um that's a bit dramatic. However I may pepper my partner for sh*ts and giggles over feeling the need to lay out something so basic.
I agree, it's common courtesy.
The "rule"...is just semantic. Some people actually like instruction manuals. That situation sounds like a playful attempt to write one. Nothing wrong with that. How easy would life be if we all come with one, and are upfront and honest about it.
Could be replace with "agreement", "mutual expectation", "courtesy". It's binding for both of them.click to expand
Yeah, I think some get hung up on the word "rule".
Posted by PhoenixRisingThat can't be it lolPosted by Undine
No, it's just normal, respectful behaviour!
It would look controlling only to someone with selfish or shady behaviour.
LOL. I swear you tickle me because I am often torn whenever I read your posts:
*reads first few statements*
*read last statements at the end of the post*click to expand
*replaces the last statement with "it goes both way" which is closer to what it was meant to say*
Better....?
Posted by PhoenixRisingMaybe it's just me but what does a "common courtesy" mean?Posted by UndinePosted by PhoenixRisingPosted by HappyCapper
In relationships where I have lived together with a guy, we have always consented to the following rule:
If one of the people in the couple is out without the other, we have set a, for us, reasonable time. Before that time, we either come home or message a new time, just so that the other person doesn't have to worry about the other person's safety.
Me and my aqua co-worker talked about this and he found it controlling and if his gf would even suggest such a rule, he would break up with her. I don't think it's controlling at all - to me it's just comon sense and I have never before met a person having a problem with it. But then I know no aqua people except for him, so...
So, what do you think? Is this controlling or not?
Hmph.
It may come off as controlling to another because I think the "rule" that you outlined seems like a pretty a basic courtesy that goes without saying, so why does it have to be laid out as a "rule"? It's not an expectation I've ever had to clearly state, and both myself and partner do this without issue so the other isn't worried about the other when we plan to spend the night out. I think in general, there are some people that will do what is suitable for the harmony of the relationship, however they simply don't like to be told to do it. I know I am one of those people.
Would I leave the relationship? Lol...um that's a bit dramatic. However I may pepper my partner for sh*ts and giggles over feeling the need to lay out something so basic.
I agree, it's common courtesy.
The "rule"...is just semantic. Some people actually like instruction manuals. That situation sounds like a playful attempt to write one. Nothing wrong with that. How easy would life be if we all come with one, and are upfront and honest about it.
Could be replace with "agreement", "mutual expectation", "courtesy". It's binding for both of them.
Yeah, I think some get hung up on the word "rule".click to expand
I don't understand sending a text of not making it home to a person who is sleeping.
I can understand if they text "Are you good?" and the other person answering or if they have their location services on, so the other person can sneak a peek if they are worried.
But a common courtesy of having a curfew seems wild to me.
So after a club closing at 3am, I'm supposed to text if a group of us decides to go out to get food? And you will see the text the next morning, when we both wake up???!! Am I missing something? What does this have to do with courtesy?
I wonder if this is a sign thing. It would be interesting to see which signs would like this idea.
Someone being bored at home and wondering what I'm doing, and expecting me to call them because I'm out with friends seems ridiculous.
As you get tell the topic triggered me
I couldn't imagine being grown ass adult, who pays bills and rent, having a damn bedtime lol
Posted by nanobotzThis line of questioning is fine, I think it's cute. But imagine if you were expected to report this, without being asked, and it's labeled as a "common courtesy"
I’ve been talking to an Aquarius man for about a year now, and he always wants to know what I’m doing, who I’m with, and when I’ll be home 😳😳😳😳
"But a common courtesy of having a curfew seems wild to me."
Maybe because you misinterpreted it. Giving your partner the approx. time you'll be home and sending a courtesy text if you don't make it.....is not even remotely a curfew.
Maybe because you misinterpreted it. Giving your partner the approx. time you'll be home and sending a courtesy text if you don't make it.....is not even remotely a curfew.
Posted by Undine
"But a common courtesy of having a curfew seems wild to me."
Maybe because you misinterpreted it. Giving your partner the approx. time you'll be home and sending a courtesy text if you don't make it.....is not even remotely a curfew.
That's not what the OP said.
There is a agreed upon time that both agreed to prior, and when one stays out later, they are expected to send a text stating that.
Your scenario makes sense.
This sound like rules for their relationship, which is fine since it was agreed upon.
But seems more like something to sooth insecurities on both sides, which is also fine if it's agreed upon by both parties and that's what they need to feel secure.
I just stated why I wouldn't be able to do it.
Op I think it’s because having a curfew you must inform your partner if your out later aka ask permission seems a bit infantile as an adult. That’s the part that could seem a bit controlling.
We don’t have a curfew. We just communicate where we are and if our plans and timing change. I think most reasonable people would do the same.
And it’s not about controlling each other, it’s about safety.
We don’t have a curfew. We just communicate where we are and if our plans and timing change. I think most reasonable people would do the same.
And it’s not about controlling each other, it’s about safety.
Posted by UndinePosted by PhoenixRisingPosted by Undine
No, it's just normal, respectful behaviour!
It would look controlling only to someone with selfish or shady behaviour.
LOL. I swear you tickle me because I am often torn whenever I read your posts:
*reads first few statements*
*read last statements at the end of the post*
That can't be it lol
*replaces the last statement with "it goes both way" which is closer to what it was meant to say*
Better....?click to expand
Lol. No, need to change it. I appreciate it as it is. It's more about the different emotions that get conveyed, and the conviction and very strong assertions I often read behind your words overall. I simply used the above post as an example. On one hand your posts seems quite Fish like, then within the same posts, very un-Fish like, which I get a kick out of. Do you have a Fire Merc?
Posted by saggurl88
As a Sag, I wouldn’t agree to it and I’m a women.
I was married and stayed out as long as I wanted, without checking in, and he was sleeping when I came in late.
I wouldn’t even remember to stop doing what I’m doing, just to send a text of “what I’m doing now and will continue to do, so I can’t make curfew”. 😏
Some people don’t worry about this type of thing and trust their partners to be responsible and to enjoy their time out with friends.
It’s not controlling, more of a nuisance.
Do you wait up for your boyfriend like a parent would wait for their teenagers to come home?
Being a sag venus and an adult female, I also stay out as long as I like. But if I'm for instance out at a club with friends, the club closes at 03:00 and there are no plans of an after party, the time would probably be set at 04:00 and if I don't think I'll make it home until then, I don't mind sending a text saying "05:00" or "06:00"...or whatever, depending on the plan.
If he goes to the bathroom at 04:15 and realises that I'm not there, he'll just check his phone and know that I'm not run over by a car, or something. If he wakes up at 04:45 and there's no message on his phone, on the other hand, then he has that info and could act according to that.
For me, it's not about the partner being responsible or not; I just want to know he's safe. And no, I don't wait up - I'm not his mom.
Posted by saggurl88Posted by Undine
"But a common courtesy of having a curfew seems wild to me."
Maybe because you misinterpreted it. Giving your partner the approx. time you'll be home and sending a courtesy text if you don't make it.....is not even remotely a curfew.
That's not what the OP said.
There is a agreed upon time that both agreed to prior, and when one stays out later, they are expected to send a text stating that.
Your scenario makes sense.
This sound like rules for their relationship, which is fine since it was agreed upon.
But seems more like something to sooth insecurities on both sides, which is also fine if it's agreed upon by both parties and that's what they need to feel secure.
I just stated why I wouldn't be able to do it.click to expand
The "rule" gives plenty of freedom. They didn't say "you should be home by the time we agreed". Or even that they will "negotiate" a certain time.
Most likely they will throw in whatever time seems reasonable. Nothing is set in stone if it could be changed with just a simple text, and the other person allows it without getting upset
I don't see the insecurity. It's just nice to consider your partner for a moment, even when having fun! In some cases, one could be genuinely worried about safety....even in the UK, shit happens: punching, stabbing, drugs, abduction, glassing, mauling, heart attack, falling into a river, freezing etc....
Posted by PhoenixRisingLol legit ditto lolPosted by Undine
No, it's just normal, respectful behaviour!
It would look controlling only to someone with selfish or shady behaviour.
LOL. I swear you tickle me because I am often torn whenever I read your posts:
*reads first few statements*
*read last statements at the end of the post*click to expand
I used to have a same rule. When you live together it is legit.
Posted by PhoenixRisingPosted by HappyCapper
In relationships where I have lived together with a guy, we have always consented to the following rule:
If one of the people in the couple is out without the other, we have set a, for us, reasonable time. Before that time, we either come home or message a new time, just so that the other person doesn't have to worry about the other person's safety.
Me and my aqua co-worker talked about this and he found it controlling and if his gf would even suggest such a rule, he would break up with her. I don't think it's controlling at all - to me it's just comon sense and I have never before met a person having a problem with it. But then I know no aqua people except for him, so...
So, what do you think? Is this controlling or not?
Hmph.
It may come off as controlling to another because I think the "rule" that you outlined seems like a pretty a basic courtesy that goes without saying, so why does it have to be laid out as a "rule"? It's not an expectation I've ever had to clearly state, and both myself and partner do this without issue so the other isn't worried about the other when we plan to spend the night out. I think in general, there are some people that will do what is suitable for the harmony of the relationship, however they simply don't like to be told to do it. I know I am one of those people.
Would I leave the relationship? Lol...um that's a bit dramatic. However I may pepper my partner for sh*ts and giggles over feeling the need to lay out something so basic.click to expand
For me, it wasn't basic courtesy when we first agreed to this. I just did whatever I liked, came home when I came home and didn't think much of it until my bf told me he was worried when he woke up at five in the morning and I wasn't there, so out of respect for him, we decided on this. It wasn't a big problem for me and he didn't have to worry, so why not?
There are 25-30 active serial killers in the US at one time. Every one says—it won’t be me. You never know what will happen! And I pride myself on being a woman who can take care of herself. Doesn’t mean it isn’t nice someone worries about me, so I’ll put their mind at ease bc it’s no skin off my nose. So I see this as reasonable here in the states for the most part. It’s not about controlling anyone, it’s just easing the mind of the other person.
Some people don’t need that, they trust that the other adult can take care of themselves—and for the most part that’s 💯 % correct. But you just never know. It’s nice to know your partner is safe, no? Common courtesy can mean something different for everyone but is essentially the same thing, sympathizing with your partner and acting accordingly without any limitations to yourself.
Some people don’t need that, they trust that the other adult can take care of themselves—and for the most part that’s 💯 % correct. But you just never know. It’s nice to know your partner is safe, no? Common courtesy can mean something different for everyone but is essentially the same thing, sympathizing with your partner and acting accordingly without any limitations to yourself.
Posted by UndinePosted by PhoenixRisingThe "rule"...is just semantic. Some people actually like instruction manuals. That situation sounds like a playful attempt to write one. Nothing wrong with that. How easy would life be if we all come with one, and are upfront and honest about it.Posted by HappyCapper
In relationships where I have lived together with a guy, we have always consented to the following rule:
If one of the people in the couple is out without the other, we have set a, for us, reasonable time. Before that time, we either come home or message a new time, just so that the other person doesn't have to worry about the other person's safety.
Me and my aqua co-worker talked about this and he found it controlling and if his gf would even suggest such a rule, he would break up with her. I don't think it's controlling at all - to me it's just comon sense and I have never before met a person having a problem with it. But then I know no aqua people except for him, so...
So, what do you think? Is this controlling or not?
Hmph.
It may come off as controlling to another because I think the "rule" that you outlined seems like a pretty a basic courtesy that goes without saying, so why does it have to be laid out as a "rule"? It's not an expectation I've ever had to clearly state, and both myself and partner do this without issue so the other isn't worried about the other when we plan to spend the night out. I think in general, there are some people that will do what is suitable for the harmony of the relationship, however they simply don't like to be told to do it. I know I am one of those people.
Would I leave the relationship? Lol...um that's a bit dramatic. However I may pepper my partner for sh*ts and giggles over feeling the need to lay out something so basic.
Could be replace with "agreement", "mutual expectation", "courtesy". It's binding for both of them.click to expand
That's indeed how it was meant.
Posted by nanobotz
I’ve been talking to an Aquarius man for about a year now, and he always wants to know what I’m doing, who I’m with, and when I’ll be home 😳😳😳😳
And what about you? What if you did that to him? What would he do?
Posted by UndineMaybe my reading comprehension is off- because a "negotiation of a set time" is what this seems to be implying for when they go out without each other.Posted by saggurl88Posted by Undine
"But a common courtesy of having a curfew seems wild to me."
Maybe because you misinterpreted it. Giving your partner the approx. time you'll be home and sending a courtesy text if you don't make it.....is not even remotely a curfew.
That's not what the OP said.
There is a agreed upon time that both agreed to prior, and when one stays out later, they are expected to send a text stating that.
Your scenario makes sense.
This sound like rules for their relationship, which is fine since it was agreed upon.
But seems more like something to sooth insecurities on both sides, which is also fine if it's agreed upon by both parties and that's what they need to feel secure.
I just stated why I wouldn't be able to do it.
The "rule" gives plenty of freedom. They didn't say "you should be home by the time we agreed". Or even that they will "negotiate" a certain time.
Most likely they will throw in whatever time seems reasonable. Nothing is set in stone if it could be changed with just a simple text, and the other person allows it without getting upset
I don't see the insecurity. It's just nice to consider your partner for a moment, even when having fun! In some cases, one could be genuinely worried about safety....even in the UK, shit happens: punching, stabbing, drugs, abduction, glassing, mauling, heart attack, falling into a river, freezing etc....click to expand
"the following rule: If one of the people in the couple is out without the other, we have set a, for us, reasonable time"
Guess my freedom loving fire sign doesn't get it. If asked, I would send a response. But then again, I wouldn't be in a relationship where I had a curfew.
There is no "reasonable time" in my relationships as long as I'm not staying overnight somewhere.
If we make it in before sunrise, both of us are good. If not, we can talk about it in the morning. And there will still not be a reasonable time set after that talk.
Posted by saggurl88
Maybe it's just me but what does a "common courtesy" mean?
I don't understand sending a text of not making it home to a person who is sleeping.
I can understand if they text "Are you good?" and the other person answering or if they have their location services on, so the other person can sneak a peek if they are worried.
But a common courtesy of having a curfew seems wild to me.
So after a club closing at 3am, I'm supposed to text if a group of us decides to go out to get food? And you will see the text the next morning, when we both wake up???!! Am I missing something? What does this have to do with courtesy?
I wonder if this is a sign thing. It would be interesting to see which signs would like this idea.
Someone being bored at home and wondering what I'm doing, and expecting me to call them because I'm out with friends seems ridiculous.
As you get tell the topic triggered me
I couldn't imagine being grown ass adult, who pays bills and rent, having a damn bedtime lol
No, it's not about having a curfew, as we aren't children. It's not even about my partner being bored at home, because trust he will find some "trouble" to get into lol. It more about if I am hanging with my friends and my partner anticipates I'll be home really late and I get the sense it will be even later than we both anticipated (1am vs 3 or 4am), I send a quick text that says "staying out a bit later"...."alright, enjoy babe". So if he wakes up in the middle of the night, he's not wondering "where the hell is Phoenix? Is she okay?". That way he can sleepwalk to the bathroom, take his usual 2am piss and go back soundly to sleep.
I think things like going out to the club (because we can both get caught up when it comes to going out with our friends), it's a given after a club we will go get food for example and no one is rushing back home. It's not like we go out every day, so of course chill with your friends for as long as you need.
Overall, it's more about an unexpected thing changing what you're partner would typically expect. My partner is very social. I know if he's out at an event and it ends at 1am, he's going to be there another 2 hours socializing, laughing it up with the guest that attended, and just being...well a Sag. I'm not expecting him until 4am. If he's going to go to an after party and won't be in until I wake up for my run and he knows I'll wake up and worry that something happened to him, he'll send a quick "babe, going to another spot". So when I see that in the morning, I just move on with my morning vs. calling around to make sure he's not in a ditch somewhere. That is what I meant by courtesy. I guess I refer to it as a courtesy because neither of us have to do it. We choose to do it to put the other's mind at ease. We're grown. I don't report to him and he doesn't report to me and that's not gonna change.
Sh*t happens to people every day. One less thing to worry about.
Posted by Gobbie
However, I have come across many women twisting the word 'controlling' to suit their toxic agendas. To them, standing your ground and saying 'no' equates to being controlling. Go figure.
How? I don't get it.
Posted by saggurl88Be a good sport, Saggy. Play by the rulesPosted by UndinePosted by saggurl88Posted by Undine
"But a common courtesy of having a curfew seems wild to me."
Maybe because you misinterpreted it. Giving your partner the approx. time you'll be home and sending a courtesy text if you don't make it.....is not even remotely a curfew.
That's not what the OP said.
There is a agreed upon time that both agreed to prior, and when one stays out later, they are expected to send a text stating that.
Your scenario makes sense.
This sound like rules for their relationship, which is fine since it was agreed upon.
But seems more like something to sooth insecurities on both sides, which is also fine if it's agreed upon by both parties and that's what they need to feel secure.
I just stated why I wouldn't be able to do it.
The "rule" gives plenty of freedom. They didn't say "you should be home by the time we agreed". Or even that they will "negotiate" a certain time.
Most likely they will throw in whatever time seems reasonable. Nothing is set in stone if it could be changed with just a simple text, and the other person allows it without getting upset
I don't see the insecurity. It's just nice to consider your partner for a moment, even when having fun! In some cases, one could be genuinely worried about safety....even in the UK, shit happens: punching, stabbing, drugs, abduction, glassing, mauling, heart attack, falling into a river, freezing etc....
Maybe my reading comprehension is off- because a "negotiation of a set time" is what this seems to be implying for when they go out without each other."the following rule: If one of the people in the couple is out without the other, we have set a, for us, reasonable time"
Guess my freedom loving fire sign doesn't get it. If asked, I would send a response. But then again, I wouldn't be in a relationship where I had a curfew.
There is no "reasonable time" in my relationships as long as I'm not staying overnight somewhere.
If we make it in before sunrise, both of us are good. If not, we can talk about it in the morning. And there will still not be a reasonable time set after that talk.click to expand
Posted by HappyCapperPosted by saggurl88
As a Sag, I wouldn’t agree to it and I’m a women.
I was married and stayed out as long as I wanted, without checking in, and he was sleeping when I came in late.
I wouldn’t even remember to stop doing what I’m doing, just to send a text of “what I’m doing now and will continue to do, so I can’t make curfew”. 😏
Some people don’t worry about this type of thing and trust their partners to be responsible and to enjoy their time out with friends.
It’s not controlling, more of a nuisance.
Do you wait up for your boyfriend like a parent would wait for their teenagers to come home?
Being a sag venus and an adult female, I also stay out as long as I like. But if I'm for instance out at a club with friends, the club closes at 03:00 and there are no plans of an after party, the time would probably be set at 04:00 and if I don't think I'll make it home until then, I don't mind sending a text saying "05:00" or "06:00"...or whatever, depending on the plan.
If he goes to the bathroom at 04:15 and realises that I'm not there, he'll just check his phone and know that I'm not run over by a car, or something. If he wakes up at 04:45 and there's no message on his phone, on the other hand, then he has that info and could act according to that.
For me, it's not about the partner being responsible or not; I just want to know he's safe. And no, I don't wait up - I'm not his mom.click to expand
If both of you agree to it, then it's all good. You asked a question about whether it was controlling and LN answered which part seemed that way.
As for your example, it just depends on the dynamic of your relationship. I had complete trust and freedom and I give that to my partner as well. So I don't get upset or feel the need to let my partner know if I'm going to be 15 minutes late, unless he's up and asks.
This is tricky for me, because it impedes on my freedom. Should I say this coming back for the grocery store? If I'm out at the movies with friends, in the daylight and he's busy, should I send a text at exactly the time the movie ended and that I'm on my way home?
Plenty do this minute by minute update on their social life. What's good for their relationship wouldn't be necessarily good for mine.
It comes down to compatibility. Since both of you are like this, then it doesn't matter what people outside of your relationship think.
Apparently there are a lot of men getting up in the middle of the night, taking pisses, and expecting to see texts.
My poor Gemini ex!
My poor Gemini ex!
Posted by UndinePosted by saggurl88Posted by UndinePosted by saggurl88Posted by Undine
"But a common courtesy of having a curfew seems wild to me."
Maybe because you misinterpreted it. Giving your partner the approx. time you'll be home and sending a courtesy text if you don't make it.....is not even remotely a curfew.
That's not what the OP said.
There is a agreed upon time that both agreed to prior, and when one stays out later, they are expected to send a text stating that.
Your scenario makes sense.
This sound like rules for their relationship, which is fine since it was agreed upon.
But seems more like something to sooth insecurities on both sides, which is also fine if it's agreed upon by both parties and that's what they need to feel secure.
I just stated why I wouldn't be able to do it.
The "rule" gives plenty of freedom. They didn't say "you should be home by the time we agreed". Or even that they will "negotiate" a certain time.
Most likely they will throw in whatever time seems reasonable. Nothing is set in stone if it could be changed with just a simple text, and the other person allows it without getting upset
I don't see the insecurity. It's just nice to consider your partner for a moment, even when having fun! In some cases, one could be genuinely worried about safety....even in the UK, shit happens: punching, stabbing, drugs, abduction, glassing, mauling, heart attack, falling into a river, freezing etc....
Maybe my reading comprehension is off- because a "negotiation of a set time" is what this seems to be implying for when they go out without each other."the following rule: If one of the people in the couple is out without the other, we have set a, for us, reasonable time"
Guess my freedom loving fire sign doesn't get it. If asked, I would send a response. But then again, I wouldn't be in a relationship where I had a curfew.
There is no "reasonable time" in my relationships as long as I'm not staying overnight somewhere.
If we make it in before sunrise, both of us are good. If not, we can talk about it in the morning. And there will still not be a reasonable time set after that talk.
Be a good sport, Saggy. Play by the rulesclick to expand
Posted by saggurl88
As you get tell the topic triggered me
*like* I find it so curious that you are triggered. My partner has more Sag bits than you do and less water than you do and he makes more of a deal about me not sending a quick text than I do. I'm usually already drooling in dreamland when he send me a message, while I'll get a "hey, how's it going babe?" 3 hours into my night if I plan to be out really late. He definitely doesn't do it all the time. I think he just worries some days vs others for whatever reason.
Posted by saggurl88Posted by UndinePosted by saggurl88Posted by UndinePosted by saggurl88Posted by Undine
"But a common courtesy of having a curfew seems wild to me."
Maybe because you misinterpreted it. Giving your partner the approx. time you'll be home and sending a courtesy text if you don't make it.....is not even remotely a curfew.
That's not what the OP said.
There is a agreed upon time that both agreed to prior, and when one stays out later, they are expected to send a text stating that.
Your scenario makes sense.
This sound like rules for their relationship, which is fine since it was agreed upon.
But seems more like something to sooth insecurities on both sides, which is also fine if it's agreed upon by both parties and that's what they need to feel secure.
I just stated why I wouldn't be able to do it.
The "rule" gives plenty of freedom. They didn't say "you should be home by the time we agreed". Or even that they will "negotiate" a certain time.
Most likely they will throw in whatever time seems reasonable. Nothing is set in stone if it could be changed with just a simple text, and the other person allows it without getting upset
I don't see the insecurity. It's just nice to consider your partner for a moment, even when having fun! In some cases, one could be genuinely worried about safety....even in the UK, shit happens: punching, stabbing, drugs, abduction, glassing, mauling, heart attack, falling into a river, freezing etc....
Maybe my reading comprehension is off- because a "negotiation of a set time" is what this seems to be implying for when they go out without each other."the following rule: If one of the people in the couple is out without the other, we have set a, for us, reasonable time"
Guess my freedom loving fire sign doesn't get it. If asked, I would send a response. But then again, I wouldn't be in a relationship where I had a curfew.
There is no "reasonable time" in my relationships as long as I'm not staying overnight somewhere.
If we make it in before sunrise, both of us are good. If not, we can talk about it in the morning. And there will still not be a reasonable time set after that talk.
Be a good sport, Saggy. Play by the rulesclick to expand
Posted by saggurl88Posted by Undine
"But a common courtesy of having a curfew seems wild to me."
Maybe because you misinterpreted it. Giving your partner the approx. time you'll be home and sending a courtesy text if you don't make it.....is not even remotely a curfew.
That's not what the OP said.
There is a agreed upon time that both agreed to prior, and when one stays out later, they are expected to send a text stating that.
Your scenario makes sense.
This sound like rules for their relationship, which is fine since it was agreed upon.
But seems more like something to sooth insecurities on both sides, which is also fine if it's agreed upon by both parties and that's what they need to feel secure.
I just stated why I wouldn't be able to do it.click to expand
What Undine said is pretty much the "rule". As said before, I think it's the word "rule" that may sound harsh. It's just an agreement. It's not like we would sit down and negotiate the time. If I go out, I may say bye and I'll be home before 04:00. If not, I'll text you. He says okay, have a nice time. Nobody tells me when I have to be home.
Posted by PhoenixRisingI don't mind a text from my partner asking. You gave an example of the sun coming up- which I understand and there should be communication about the time at that point.Posted by saggurl88
As you get tell the topic triggered me
*like* I find it so curious that you are triggered. My partner has more Sag bits than you do and less water than you do and he makes more of a deal about me not sending a quick text than I do. I'm usually already drooling in dreamland when he send me a message, while I'll get a "hey, how's it going babe?" 3 hours into my night if I plan to be out really late. He definitely doesn't do it all the time. I think he just worries some days vs others for whatever reason.click to expand
I was triggered by the set time to be back.
So If I go out with my partner, we can be out till whenever, but without them I have to be home by 2am (a reasonable time) and if I'm not, I HAVE to send a courtesy text of why.
Nah, no thanks
I would never agree to this in the first place, so what I think doesn't matter much. Once agreed upon, you're expected to face some sort of consequence- This is why I wouldn't agree to a set time.
Posted by AbbyNormalPosted by PhoenixRisingPosted by Undine
No, it's just normal, respectful behaviour!
It would look controlling only to someone with selfish or shady behaviour.
LOL. I swear you tickle me because I am often torn whenever I read your posts:
*reads first few statements*
*read last statements at the end of the post*
Lol legit ditto lolclick to expand
*like*
Posted by HappyCapperThis is very different from the OP and is reasonable. I took the post too literally, which is what I always do when I read.Posted by saggurl88Posted by Undine
"But a common courtesy of having a curfew seems wild to me."
Maybe because you misinterpreted it. Giving your partner the approx. time you'll be home and sending a courtesy text if you don't make it.....is not even remotely a curfew.
That's not what the OP said.
There is a agreed upon time that both agreed to prior, and when one stays out later, they are expected to send a text stating that.
Your scenario makes sense.
This sound like rules for their relationship, which is fine since it was agreed upon.
But seems more like something to sooth insecurities on both sides, which is also fine if it's agreed upon by both parties and that's what they need to feel secure.
I just stated why I wouldn't be able to do it.
What Undine said is pretty much the "rule". As said before, I think it's the word "rule" that may sound harsh. It's just an agreement. It's not like we would sit down and negotiate the time. If I go out, I may say bye and I'll be home before 04:00. If not, I'll text you. He says okay, have a nice time. Nobody tells me when I have to be home.click to expand
Posted by LadyNeptune
Op I think it’s because having a curfew you must inform your partner if your out later aka ask permission seems a bit infantile as an adult. That’s the part that could seem a bit controlling.
We don’t have a curfew. We just communicate where we are and if our plans and timing change. I think most reasonable people would do the same.
And it’s not about controlling each other, it’s about safety.
Asking permission is not what we're doing, though. We inform eachother of a time we initially would think we'd be home. If we will be later than that, we just send a short text informing(not asking permission) the other person of that. We seem to do pretty much the same as you do.
Posted by saggurl88
I don't mind a text from my partner asking. You gave an example of the sun coming up- which I understand and there should be communication about the time at that point.
I was triggered by the set time to be back.
So If I go out with my partner, we can be out till whenever, but without them I have to be home by 2am (a reasonable time) and if I'm not, I HAVE to send a courtesy text of why.
Nah, no thanks
I would never agree to this in the first place, so what I think doesn't matter much. Once agreed upon, you're expected to face some sort of consequence- This is why I wouldn't agree to a set time.
Well I think we need to distinguish what I am saying vs the OP. I've never given a grown man set time nor would I expect him to give me one when he's out, and visa versa. I wouldn't agree to that either.
Again, it's not about having to do anything, text or otherwise. Simply wanting to do it to put your partner's mind at ease. I'm not getting bent out of shape over not knowing what time you're coming home. My only concern is (and his as well is) I "don't want to worry that something has happened to you". Work around that request how you see fit.
Courtesy of @Timone
What happens when you don't abide by the "rule"
"A drunk Turkish man spent hours helping look for a missing person with a search and rescue party before realising they were looking for him. Beyhan Mutlu, from Inegol in the north-western province of Bursa, had been drinking with friends when he wandered off into the woods.
His wife was unable to contact the 50-year-old for a few hours and she and his friends decided to alert the police.
While roaming the woods, Mutlu came across a group of rescue workers and volunteers involved in a search mission, unaware they were looking for him.
He joined the group and inadvertently started looking for himself in the woods with the search party."
What happens when you don't abide by the "rule"
"A drunk Turkish man spent hours helping look for a missing person with a search and rescue party before realising they were looking for him. Beyhan Mutlu, from Inegol in the north-western province of Bursa, had been drinking with friends when he wandered off into the woods.
His wife was unable to contact the 50-year-old for a few hours and she and his friends decided to alert the police.
While roaming the woods, Mutlu came across a group of rescue workers and volunteers involved in a search mission, unaware they were looking for him.
He joined the group and inadvertently started looking for himself in the woods with the search party."
Posted by UndineLol. Exactly! 🤣
Courtesy of @Timone
What happens when you don't abide by the "rule"
"A drunk Turkish man spent hours helping look for a missing person with a search and rescue party before realising they were looking for him. Beyhan Mutlu, from Inegol in the north-western province of Bursa, had been drinking with friends when he wandered off into the woods.
His wife was unable to contact the 50-year-old for a few hours and she and his friends decided to alert the police.
While roaming the woods, Mutlu came across a group of rescue workers and volunteers involved in a search mission, unaware they were looking for him.
He joined the group and inadvertently started looking for himself in the woods with the search party."
Posted by HappyCapperPosted by LadyNeptune
Op I think it’s because having a curfew you must inform your partner if your out later aka ask permission seems a bit infantile as an adult. That’s the part that could seem a bit controlling.
We don’t have a curfew. We just communicate where we are and if our plans and timing change. I think most reasonable people would do the same.
And it’s not about controlling each other, it’s about safety.
Asking permission is not what we're doing, though. We inform eachother of a time we initially would think we'd be home. If we will be later than that, we just send a short text informing(not asking permission) the other person of that. We seem to do pretty much the same as you do.click to expand
Exactly, very reasonable.
I think the way you worded it here and presumably to your coworker is why he called it controlling.
People have an adverse reaction to the word curfew. Makes us remember a time we were a teenager under parental control.
That is way to controlling. I would not agree to it. Wtf am I a teenager with a fucking curfew? Wtf. I'm a grown ass adult. If I wanna stay out late then I will. This is a partnership not a fucking prison sentence. Will I stay out all night? Not likely...but it has happened a few times.
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