Cancer man driving Taurus crazy

This topic was created in the Cancer forum by LisaB on Sunday, August 14, 2011 and has 24 replies.
Im 43 a taurus with aries ascendant dating a cancer 55 for 4 months now--I think he is capricorn ascendant--we both have venus in gemini. Both of us divorced and living alone.I love him and he has told me he loves me. We see eachother and are intimate 5-6 days/nights a week around work and his custody arrangment for his son. We have been on a stretch of seeing eachother nearly every day for about 5 weeks now. He calls me every morning and afternoon--just to confirm plans, check in with me, etc. We have the same likes for hobbies, and we are both accomplished in our careers. I felt like I won the lottery when we met, and I instantly just felt serene around him--content, sexy, loved. Understandably I want to wake upwith him--I just adore him! He got mad at me TH night since he had to leave around midnight to go home and work and even though we see eachother all this time the only thing we've argued about is he doesn't want to stay over on "schoolnights" but he wants sex alright. I wasn't happy he was leaving. He called me the next day and was mad that I wasn unhappy with him the night before--I was in the middle of something at work and said I couldn't talk--but I emailed him how I felt. So he is so pissed--Fri didn't return my phone calls or respond to email, etc except to say eh ws passing on our plans that night--the plans HE made. Totally out of character for no contact. I finally texted him Sat midday--that his silence spoke for him and I wished he had broken it off with me before I told him I loved him. He texts back" I think we need a break to think we can chat next week." So I am leaving him alone--but it is killing me emotionally. I want to get back with him--we fought over my wanting intimacy! I mean really--I think he was feeling too attached and wanted to fight to see what I would do. I am a really sensitive person, and I can't stand separation and silent treatment. How do I win him back--what mustn't I do? Is leaving him alone and waiting for his call really the best course of action? Or will he feel I don't care?
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You acted stupidly. He's divorced, probably seeing shades of his stupid ex wife right now.
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how long have both of you been divorced? a while? the exes are not issues? if so good, less to worry about.
he said he'll call you this week, let him call you. he knows you care. do something else in the meantime.
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....and take a deep breath Winking
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Leave him be and find someone who isn't going to throw a temper tantrum every five minutes.
Good luck my dear!
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Thanks for the comments. I do know it's a stupid argument and I probably overreacted, and I need to be patient. I wanted advice more on what NOT to say that will set him off again or make it worse. I have a tendency to be very straightforward and sometimes abrupt with my opinion. I don't know if I can handle someone so sensitive to my being upset--really I wasn't upset the next day but I did tell him why the scenario does upset me--and that was the mistake. I get upset--and it passes in 10 mintues if I am left alone to work through it and calm down. But, if someone is angry with me I am upset for hours--days--until I can fix it. Not communicating with me is the worst. Men need to be left alone--right? Torture for me.
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Love wineaux observant mind and I'm 100% certain all her advice is valid and works yet I'm with beccy don't kiss ass, be "you" whatever that is. Too much hoop jumping and adjusting to keep a man around. I can see why Lisa felt upset but Lisa you are the boundary setter in the relationship so getting angry at him for something you are allowing really doesn't make all that much sense. I'm not encouraging withholding sex but clearly you have to readjust your boundaries around him spending the night and having sex. Lisa you were not wrong for telling him how you feel, men naturally will distance themselves when the hard stuff comes up, RELAX, don't start hoop jumping and wondering how you can tap dance around his ego because you don't like the distance, if you relax and give him time to take your feelings into consideration then you can see what he's made of and get to see if you're just as important to him as he is to you.
I'm sure it's something you both can work out that's fair for the both of you once you start communicating again.
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Posted by tiki33
Love wineaux observant mind and I'm 100% certain all her advice is valid and works yet I'm with beccy don't kiss ass, be "you" whatever that is. Too much hoop jumping and adjusting to keep a man around. I can see why Lisa felt upset but Lisa you are the boundary setter in the relationship so getting angry at him for something you are allowing really doesn't make all that much sense. I'm not encouraging withholding sex but clearly you have to readjust your boundaries around him spending the night and having sex. Lisa you were not wrong for telling him how you feel, men naturally will distance themselves when the hard stuff comes up, RELAX, don't start hoop jumping and wondering how you can tap dance around his ego because you don't like the distance, if you relax and give him time to take your feelings into consideration then you can see what he's made of and get to see if you're just as important to him as he is to you.
I'm sure it's something you both can work out that's fair for the both of you once you start communicating again.


I'm with Tiki and Beccy..on this one.... I have been extremely consistent in kicking his sorry ass to the curb due to his childish behavior... If he cannot have a sit down convo with me... and just makes silly calls with zero message.. or textest me ... leaving me with "Talk to you soon".... My Roar will be heard loud and clear.
8.5 months has passed since he left me with the "Talk to you soon".... text on Jan 2, 2011... Repeated on our convo in late April 2011... however ZERO real action on his part to at least make an effort to come together. I say call them on their BS every chance you have... Yes you have to be patient... however imo... Patience is NOT FOREVER. Sad
Send them back to the sand box... Play with someone else is a standard staple ... I have used.. many many times... I justify my calls back to the curb.. with time and words. Crap is crap.. anyway you look at it. He is 36 imo... has been so afraid of me for years... yet I know he will come again. He knows where home is..smile
I have been very very consistent over the years...and he knows I want him to be the man. He will need to come to me and open up.. once and for all.
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I guess were I get confused and I'm learning a lot from other posters on the cancer board is I see a lack of balance, at something for 17 months with no pay off is like putting ones life on hold unless of course you're dating other men whilst going through this process. What's the pay off? I also feel it's extreme in catin situation to continue kicking someone to the curb constantly and yet wanting them to come back, come back to what exactly I dunno...I'll mull this over but I wonder were is the balance? When will it be enough for these guys to be consistently present and available or is this all there is? I'm sure if I observe and listen more I'll find the answer to my confusion.
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when you guys say "payoff" do you mean marriage?
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Posted by tiki33
I guess were I get confused and I'm learning a lot from other posters on the cancer board is I see a lack of balance, at something for 17 months with no pay off is like putting ones life on hold unless of course you're dating other men whilst going through this process. What's the pay off? I also feel it's extreme in catin situation to continue kicking someone to the curb constantly and yet wanting them to come back, come back to what exactly I dunno...I'll mull this over but I wonder were is the balance? When will it be enough for these guys to be consistently present and available or is this all there is? I'm sure if I observe and listen more I'll find the answer to my confusion.


Tiki... the pay off was in 2007 when I got all the love I needed for a lifetime.... imo... He was there with me... all the way and then some.... I knew he would come for me...however I will not accept him back unless he is prepared to MU...which is why I have to send him back to the curb.
He knows his options... and they are not pretty..imo... Just like they are not pretty with me and men out there. We connected of some alternative plane/level....(Something/Somewhere I have never been before)... and we were both there to experience it. I walked when he disrespected me... so be it... in the same moment I said... I would get back the 9K I left on the table when I walked... and then some...once he marries me.
If he doesn't ever come around... (which I do not belief it for a minute) I lost nothing other then 9K. He lost so much more.. because he knows that I am the real deal... and he would have to start again. He wasn't able to replace me in 4 years... So what are his chances of replacing me in the next 10 years. I knew him and felt him from the get go. It was magic.
I will lose nothing with all of this... but continue to have my memories of him and I... The perfect union...in which he was just to immature to see it at the time. My life continues.. and I come here to gain and share knowledge...
Life and love always... Take care....
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Posted by rabidtalker
when you guys say "payoff" do you mean marriage?



Yup... come clean with that one... will ya... We are all waiting for a real answer. Winking
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Posted by catin
Yup... come clean with that one... will ya... We are all waiting for a real answer. Winking


say what? lol, do you mean cancers in general? I think we are extremely hesitant about marriage, lol.
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Posted by rabidtalker
Posted by catin
Yup... come clean with that one... will ya... We are all waiting for a real answer. Winking


say what? lol, do you mean cancers in general? I think we are extremely hesitant about marriage, lol.

click to expand


Really... we would have never known by the amount of post on you boys/girls out there....
Now... come clean and tell us what would push you over the edge... would you...We are waiting patiently... NOT! smile
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sounds like a good idea for a new thread topic... otherwise i'll have to chew on it for a while. i'm not sure to be honest, lol. maybe asking the already married cancers what made them decide to get married or how they new they had found "the one" smile
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Thanks Wineaux and Catin for elaborating...Very insightful from the both of you.
@Win you are not getting any younger...FIGURE IT OUT ALREADY LOL....If you want the possibility to have kids (or more kids if you already have a child) and be married then you have to sit down and stop all the "shenanigan's" make a decision and he will come but as long as you stay in this imbalanced mindset about your life you'll continue to attract men that have the exact same attitude, once you get clear about what you want you'd be surprised how quickly you'd meet a man that wanted the exact same thing as you. If you can find an imbalanced confused man then you can find a balanced man that is sure of himself and what he wants, you just have to get clear first before that can happen....You could get clear and your cancer still wouldn't be clear and that renders you stuck, stuck with an imbalanced man who will have you waiting and life keeps turning and those hormones keep raging despite what he's doing which in the end will only lead to frustration for you...you can't tap dance around this forever unless that's your goal.
@catin....Suggestion....Get a lawyer and get your money back or go to smalls claims court to try and get some of it back, that's a lot of money to lose and why do I have this feeling it was all about the money, hope he didn't hustle you and although I'm glad you got some good memories out of it, it's still not a wise decision to let him feel he can take your money and not have any consequences for his actions. I hate when women get themselves tangled up financially with men that aren't even a boyfriend or husband, doing that won't make a man be with you. If you don't pursue getting your money back, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stop giving money to men, I don't care how much he say he love you, I don't care how good the business venture appears (if it's a solid business venture go to your financial planner and get a lawyer to cover your end), get a promissory note, get it in writing and lastly if a man care about you and love you and his goal is to look out for you he won't take that kind of money from you ever.
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Posted by tiki33
Thanks Wineaux and Catin for elaborating...Very insightful from the both of you.
@catin....Suggestion....Get a lawyer and get your money back or go to smalls claims court to try and get some of it back, that's a lot of money to lose and why do I have this feeling it was all about the money, hope he didn't hustle you and although I'm glad you got some good memories out of it, it's still not a wise decision to let him feel he can take your money and not have any consequences for his actions. I hate when women get themselves tangled up financially with men that aren't even a boyfriend or husband, doing that won't make a man be with you. If you don't pursue getting your money back, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stop giving money to men, I don't care how much he say he love you, I don't care how good the business venture appears (if it's a solid business venture go to your financial planner and get a lawyer to cover your end), get a promissory note, get it in writing and lastly if a man care about you and love you and his goal is to look out for you he won't take that kind of money from you ever.


OH... Tiki33.... I learnt that lesson... so many more years ago.... I have a business.... He was a client.... The client/him owed me the $ $ $ ... He was using it and still is using it as a way to get me back. Trust me... Walking away will hurt him more then my finances... It did not put a dent in my livelihood... Trust me on this one.
He has gotten my ROAR more then once... That is the consequence of playing with me.... and I have told me so... many many different ways. He will "have to live with the fact that he did not do right by me... To death do us part and beyond"...(see the visual Tiki33) as I stated in an e-mail early 2009.
The write off.. meant I had to pay less tax that year... Cost of doing business. smile
He tried to get me back to the office... to finish something... Which I tried to satify.. in May 2008... He paid off the remainder of my new car... some $ 800.00.. It was imported from the USA.. I'm in Canada...The deal was that I go back.. but once I got there... lol... He wasn't there.. and calls started flying... You should have read the e-mail from me that followed... hehehehehhehe.. I actually gave him the link to the site that he can find someonelse to service his account. I mean business... I can only imagine the look on his face Winking
Anyhoo
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PART 2 IT SEEMS:
Anyhoot... don't worry about me... I am truly OK.. with everything that is going on right now... He will be back.. and imo he will MU... and if he doesn't... well I have my memories of the way it was between us... IT WAS MAGIC. smile
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OH... I should add that the $ $ $ he owes me.. was always part of his game.... to keep control over me... It didn't work with me... which imo.. would have pi $ $ ed him off.
I would like to hear from other cancers.. as to whether.. this sounds like the kind of games you would play.. as a test or what not. Part of driving someone you potentially love... crazy..irratate them... get under their skin....pi $ $ them off.. etc.....
It didn't work with me.. but hay... I was in a position to walk away... leaving the whip cream from that lemon pie.. on his face.. and not mine.. Just saying. smile
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I don't think it's a test catin. This has been going on for years right? I'm wondering why you aren't involved with someone new, dating, flirting, having fun or even in a new long term relationship...This guy should be history, he's done nothing that says he wants anything with you. I've been stuck before, I think most of us can say at some point in our lives we've been stuck on a non-relevant relationship type situation.
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hi catin,
from my experience, I've never tried to take money from anyone I've dated or not. when money enters the picture for anything my internal red flag alarm goes crazy.
leos are different, you guys like to throw money around like its made of rubber. even so, i'd still be hesitant to take it, however, from the sounds of it, it seems like an accounting thing where he didnt take money from you but rather he hasn't paid a bill (which i think you are essentially equating to taking money from you) -- i dont know. this obviously adds a bad dynamic to the relationship. it sounds like the money thing is being used as a power ploy maybe by both sides, leos and cancers both like to be in charge, only difference is one is louder about it Tongue . but after all you are in a client/supplier type of business relationship, which easily can become unequal (is the customer always right or does he not know what he really wants?).
but moving onto the idea of marriage, which i thought about a bit since last night's post, for us cancers not only do we need emotional security but divorce is frightening because not only do we lose the safeness of a committed relationship but the idea of losing half of our life savings and possessions is nauseating (the material security).
Leos are funny in the sense that they are extremely flirty, probably like to make their partners a little jealous (or maybe inadvertently), but are extremely loyal (unless you become the governor of california smile ). water signs dont do well with explosive, dynamic, then make up sex relationships the way fire signs do and obviously the key to this is to make sure you're purring more than roaring. the curb kicking could be viewed as instability, you probably would have been more effective with the silent treatment (same message given), but physically severing the bond probably hurts him more than he shows.
from what you've written with the curb kicking could provide an easy/convenient method to break up with you without confrontation. if you two ever do get back together, keep this in mind, it's what i would do if i wanted out, ie. let myself get kicked to the curb, then disappear.
good luck and i hope that helped at all, rather than cause more questions and confusion.


lisaB: Please keep us posted.
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@Tiki33... it is not easy for me to get together with someone else... Too many loser's out there.... I have my guard up as much as this Cancer Guy... We were equals financially and mentally... which is something I cannot say for the men I meet...
I honestly believe that we would have never connected the way we did... had I not back off from dating loser men way before I met this guy... He is not a loser.. just a very scared puppy... imo. smile Call it the battle of the Titans!
BTW... Long term relationships is a total waste of time....Sending him to the curb means.. I take full responsibility for him not contacting me... I express why I have to do it based on his bad behavior.. Me setting my bounderies... Not my problem but his... I hope that he will confront his demons....If not I do not wait for his next call/text/e-mail whatever.
Been there done that in my youth... Never went anywhere... So I started reading, reading and reading some more book... whatever... I learned a lot... from this exercise... btw.
Have you ever had a so call boyfriend... date you for 5 years....You went on Holidays together in May... and he sent you his wedding picture in July the same year????... Well that happened to me... So trust is a very very very big issue with me..That man got the best of me... and I had to recoup.. what I was doing.
I have never played the game this hard.. To the point I really do not care of its outcome... because I do not need him .. I have my own wealth which I have built over the years.. He does not need me either.. however.. if I read the Cancers' well.. they need to know that you are not a Gold Digger, You can cook, You are good with the $ $ , you are fun to be with..But won't put up with their Bull.. so to speak. They need a strong women.. I never ever walked on eggshells..with this man... but boy did he ever walk on those eggshells around me... lol Winking
You may not ever get it... and that is OK... I just have to play my game against his... and see what happens in the end. Like they say.. if you keep doing the same thing over and over... You will get the same results... Well I'm doing something so different... that the results have to be different.. from what I am accustomed to. Just saying
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"Tiki33... it is not easy for me to get together with someone else... Too many loser's out there.... I have my guard up as much as this Cancer Guy... We were equals financially and mentally... which is something I cannot say for the men I meet... "
Oh I see...You need a huge attitude adjustment, not only are there good men out there, he's looking for a great woman, you have to date them in order to see the potential of a new relationship and the more you date the odds are greater that you'll meet a better more qualified willing man. If you're only available to an unavailable man well that renders you unavailable as well...So see you have 2 unavailable people that won't ever be available...They cycle is exhausting.
If you feel the need to play the game then by all means do it...
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Posted by tiki33
"Tiki33... it is not easy for me to get together with someone else... Too many loser's out there.... I have my guard up as much as this Cancer Guy... We were equals financially and mentally... which is something I cannot say for the men I meet... "
Oh I see...You need a huge attitude adjustment, not only are there good men out there, he's looking for a great woman, you have to date them in order to see the potential of a new relationship and the more you date the odds are greater that you'll meet a better more qualified willing man. If you're only available to an unavailable man well that renders you unavailable as well...So see you have 2 unavailable people that won't ever be available...They cycle is exhausting.
If you feel the need to play the game then by all means do it...


I will take the high road here.... Nuff said.
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