help, there's a bunny boiler in my marriage!!!!
This topic was created in the Cancer forum by redhedgurl on Friday, February 2, 2007 and has 15 replies.
ok, i'll try to be brief. i'm married to cancer guy, and yes, i know he loves me. he treats me well, etc. yes. it's good. this isn't about him being a dog or running around, it's about getting him to eliminate someone from his past. (yeah, i know. fat chance with a cancer, right!!) i want the advice of cancer men or of any women who might have been thru this one with a cancer.
several years ago, my guy let his g/f of the moment move in. pity move. well, the relationship fell apart quickly, but he felt responsible for her and they were at least sort of friends. she's a drama queen and a disaster. anyway, we've moved out of the country, gotten married, etc. she still lives in his (our)old house, still is in his life in alot of little ways, they still have this email relationship. friendship only for him, but she's still hanging on to him, using him for support etc. he even still sends money for things, she's not paying rent, supposedly paying for repairs on the house. i just saw an email where he sent money to pay the guy fixing the house. she makes over 40K a year folks, and she can't pay some rent?
we have had fight after fight about this. i have been patient for the whole last year, while she emailed him with loads of personal nonsense, and saying really horrible things about me online or anywhere she can. hell, i even wrote her and told her to move on, get over it. nope. she won't move out, won't quit emailing him. it's like this endless cycle. so, what the hell do i do? cancer guys, what will it take to get this ended. period ended. no more. jettison this bitch. what tact should i take? i really have no idea. cause he's said she's not writing, they're not communicating, but i found emails today that prove different. he's not cheating, but he's lying. and hiding things from me in order to not have to deal with my anger and her drama. and he's allowing this to continue even tho i've told him that after tolerating it for a year, i'm done and it has to stop. but it hasn't. that house is going on the market, but i want her TOTALLY out of his life. she's just gone too far. (i'm really cutting alot out) how can i get him to see that she has to be completely history? help me out here people cause i'm really pissed at all the emails flying between them. mostly her doing anything she can to remind him of her presence. the fact is, i don't even want them to be in contact. again, i haven't told all of her antics. advice?
several years ago, my guy let his g/f of the moment move in. pity move. well, the relationship fell apart quickly, but he felt responsible for her and they were at least sort of friends. she's a drama queen and a disaster. anyway, we've moved out of the country, gotten married, etc. she still lives in his (our)old house, still is in his life in alot of little ways, they still have this email relationship. friendship only for him, but she's still hanging on to him, using him for support etc. he even still sends money for things, she's not paying rent, supposedly paying for repairs on the house. i just saw an email where he sent money to pay the guy fixing the house. she makes over 40K a year folks, and she can't pay some rent?
we have had fight after fight about this. i have been patient for the whole last year, while she emailed him with loads of personal nonsense, and saying really horrible things about me online or anywhere she can. hell, i even wrote her and told her to move on, get over it. nope. she won't move out, won't quit emailing him. it's like this endless cycle. so, what the hell do i do? cancer guys, what will it take to get this ended. period ended. no more. jettison this bitch. what tact should i take? i really have no idea. cause he's said she's not writing, they're not communicating, but i found emails today that prove different. he's not cheating, but he's lying. and hiding things from me in order to not have to deal with my anger and her drama. and he's allowing this to continue even tho i've told him that after tolerating it for a year, i'm done and it has to stop. but it hasn't. that house is going on the market, but i want her TOTALLY out of his life. she's just gone too far. (i'm really cutting alot out) how can i get him to see that she has to be completely history? help me out here people cause i'm really pissed at all the emails flying between them. mostly her doing anything she can to remind him of her presence. the fact is, i don't even want them to be in contact. again, i haven't told all of her antics. advice?
btw- it's night here, so i'm off to bed, i've had a few margarita's, so fire away folks. my husband knows i'm not being warm and fuzzy, but not why. i swear, i will not deal with this and am just ready to tell him that i'm leaving. having clingy ex girlfriends are not cool. ugh.
You have to leave him. It's the only way that it will stop. He has to at least think that he has lost you. Leave and tell him you are not moving back until she is gone out of that house and out of your lives. Leave him and stick to it. Don't let him promise you that he is working on it and convinces you to move back in before it's totally done with. You have already been playing that game for a year. If he really cares about you then he will make it happen. Now if there is something that you are not telling us like that she has his child or something like that than that is different. If there is a child involved than the only choice you have is to either accept it or leave in my opinion.
sglove is right, there needs to be more info here to give any sort of opinion or advice.
As I was reading that, I couldn't conjure up a perfect solution that wouldn't leave anyone hurt but I think what gsglove said seems to be the only way to go. Put him through the 'its me or her' test and cancer will have to make a choice and I'm pretty sure it's going to be so tough since cancers don't let go easily. Tough love the way to his heart... I think.
A year?! A whole year?! http://plugin.smileycentral.com/http% 253A% 252F% 252Fwww.smileycentral.com% 252F% 253Fpartner% 253DZSzeb008% 255FZNxmk788KNUS% 2526i% 253D36% 252F36% 255F11% 255F1% 2526feat% 253Dprof/page.html" target="_blank">
I would have seriously thrown her out myself!! Jussssst right after we got married so when she sued me for throwing her shit out... he'd have to pay for it! ... course, I would wait until she went to work that way I have most of her stuff out by the time she's home. Fighting with her would only slow the process down. And I would most certainly kick her ass afterwards!!!!
I say, you get your plane ticket right this minute and take care of business once and for all! You can't leave your husband over that piece of trash... be a good wifey and take care of some minor issues for him
How dare she?! I feel angry just picturing it lol
I would have seriously thrown her out myself!! Jussssst right after we got married so when she sued me for throwing her shit out... he'd have to pay for it! ... course, I would wait until she went to work that way I have most of her stuff out by the time she's home. Fighting with her would only slow the process down. And I would most certainly kick her ass afterwards!!!!
I say, you get your plane ticket right this minute and take care of business once and for all! You can't leave your husband over that piece of trash... be a good wifey and take care of some minor issues for him
How dare she?! I feel angry just picturing it lolOh oh oh and me forgots... take lots of pictures of you both to put ALL OVER the walls.. just for kicks.
Too much thinking, no action... lets be practical here
Too much thinking, no action... lets be practical here
wow. ok, filling in more. no, there's no child. all childless, all around. she's really a mess. the whole thing about letting her stay was so she could "have a safe place to grow and heal," since she really is a broken person. a huge screwup, blaming her mother for everything that goes wrong in her life. whatever. my guy and i moved out of the country together a year ago,then got married in october. and she threw a hissy over that. she actually sent this drama filled email saying he was gonna kick her out of the house and take all her money..........? see, she knows just what to do, what buttons to push of his to make him back up and coddle her. i can see clearly what she's doing. but he falls for it. she hadn't accepted the fact that years later, he wasn't going to come back home to her, to that house and want to re-take up housekeeping with her. ther was no indication from him that would ever happen. they were over, he had left the country, gone, done. but yes, he's allowed her to hang on. he has remained this sort of crutch for her to lean on. consciously doing so, even tho i've tried to get him to see that it's not good for her, and it's poisoning our marriage. it's not a question of him having feelings for her, but her for him, and for hanging on. just constantly turning to him for everything. and he won't see that it's bad for us, as a couple. he is literally mystefied as to why this would bother me. never mind that she has sent me foul, horrible emails, put up online that she wishes i would die, called me the "c" word, and a cow as well (considering she was thrilled to get DOWN to a size 24!!!! well....) this is just to the point of critical mass. and i've been so patient. most women wouldn't have put up with this. he's (sloooowly) sending inquiries about putting the house up for sale, but i think this is going to be ugly. and the truth is, i want him to want to end this, not have it be a grudge thing with me slapping him with ultimatums. why would he hang onto this even tho he knows its a real problems between us?
we're conservative, slow-acting people. if you try to "make" him or "manipulate" him into doing something he's not ready for, he won't budge at all. unfortunately, he may have to work it out at his own pace, but let him know that you won't stand for the harrassment from her. this really sucks, but he probably feels responsible for her, as we do with anyone we let into our inner circle. it's not an easy thing letting someone get close to us, and we generally go down swinging for them. especially if he feels you're picking on her or something; he'll end up doing what he thinks is "right", as bad as it may end up.
he may just be looking at her like a wounded puppy or something and feel like he has to "take care" of her, and you shouldn't feel badly at all considering the fact that you got everything (him, a good life, etc) and she has "nothing"
he may just be looking at her like a wounded puppy or something and feel like he has to "take care" of her, and you shouldn't feel badly at all considering the fact that you got everything (him, a good life, etc) and she has "nothing"
UPDATE:
first off, thanks for the advice. big help. we just had a big discussion. i told him that i was in serious considerations to leave him, and maybe we needed some time apart to think about this. he was stunned, and not happy. remember tho, this situation is not new, so it's not like he was taken completely off guard. he said he's been thinking about how to best deal with this all week, just kind of on his own. i told him that his lack of action on this since the last conversation about two weeks ago was just too much and that i now had to think in terms of leaving, as i could no longer tolerate this. he asked what i needed to happen to make me stay, make me happy. now, i'm the type that will tell you what's bothering me, then stand back to wait and see what you do. i'll either stay or leave based on your actions. i DO NOT tell a man what to do. no ordering around, no hysteria, no yelling. nada. make your choices and then i react to them. so, i said his lack of appropriate action meant i had to go. he said that kind of thinking doesn't serve us well, and he needs more input from me than i'm used to giving. he needs to have more dialogue about what i need in order to make the right decisions. i'm too detached as far as communicating things. fine. as much as i don't like it, i told him what actions i needed to see to feel like he was working on it. he said fine. within one month, the house will be well under way for sale. he is going to write a letter to her this weekend and is laying it out plainly. (oh, and i mentioned the whole wounded puppy, she's manipulating him thing. he just gets quiet. that's exactly what's happening. there are honest concerns about this woman doing harm to herself or the house. she's just really unstable, and is disruptive to our marriage as a result) i told him that she had to know, without any ambiguity or question, that she is moving out and is to cease contact with him. that casual emails and all her constant reaching out to him has to stop. i've read them, and she's a master manipulator. she knows just how to sound helpless and get his sympathy. she is NOT helpless. he said he's honestly fine & he has no problem with that. the house makes it more complicated, but he's promised that things will move forward, and she will be ended, completely. he has no desire to lose me over this. so, i've told what i need in clear terms, we've decided on clear actions, and have a time frame in place.
first off, thanks for the advice. big help. we just had a big discussion. i told him that i was in serious considerations to leave him, and maybe we needed some time apart to think about this. he was stunned, and not happy. remember tho, this situation is not new, so it's not like he was taken completely off guard. he said he's been thinking about how to best deal with this all week, just kind of on his own. i told him that his lack of action on this since the last conversation about two weeks ago was just too much and that i now had to think in terms of leaving, as i could no longer tolerate this. he asked what i needed to happen to make me stay, make me happy. now, i'm the type that will tell you what's bothering me, then stand back to wait and see what you do. i'll either stay or leave based on your actions. i DO NOT tell a man what to do. no ordering around, no hysteria, no yelling. nada. make your choices and then i react to them. so, i said his lack of appropriate action meant i had to go. he said that kind of thinking doesn't serve us well, and he needs more input from me than i'm used to giving. he needs to have more dialogue about what i need in order to make the right decisions. i'm too detached as far as communicating things. fine. as much as i don't like it, i told him what actions i needed to see to feel like he was working on it. he said fine. within one month, the house will be well under way for sale. he is going to write a letter to her this weekend and is laying it out plainly. (oh, and i mentioned the whole wounded puppy, she's manipulating him thing. he just gets quiet. that's exactly what's happening. there are honest concerns about this woman doing harm to herself or the house. she's just really unstable, and is disruptive to our marriage as a result) i told him that she had to know, without any ambiguity or question, that she is moving out and is to cease contact with him. that casual emails and all her constant reaching out to him has to stop. i've read them, and she's a master manipulator. she knows just how to sound helpless and get his sympathy. she is NOT helpless. he said he's honestly fine & he has no problem with that. the house makes it more complicated, but he's promised that things will move forward, and she will be ended, completely. he has no desire to lose me over this. so, i've told what i need in clear terms, we've decided on clear actions, and have a time frame in place.
red,
i am really proud of you. you needed to do that. now don't just set and wait. help him make these changes so that he knows you are serious. he will resist the help and you will have to make your stand over and over..don't be afraid to do that. in the meantime, reward his actions..when you see the progress, let him know you see and appreciate it...this will be an importand part of the result..if he feels like you are making him do it, he will hold on tighter..if he is rewarded for the effort, it will make it all worthwhile to him..like he is your hero..
when all this is done, it needs to be done and never thrown up in his face...or you will be right back to the same cycle...
ps...there are ways to block her emails and calls.
i am really proud of you. you needed to do that. now don't just set and wait. help him make these changes so that he knows you are serious. he will resist the help and you will have to make your stand over and over..don't be afraid to do that. in the meantime, reward his actions..when you see the progress, let him know you see and appreciate it...this will be an importand part of the result..if he feels like you are making him do it, he will hold on tighter..if he is rewarded for the effort, it will make it all worthwhile to him..like he is your hero..
when all this is done, it needs to be done and never thrown up in his face...or you will be right back to the same cycle...
ps...there are ways to block her emails and calls.
thanks for the positivity menbay. nice to have. i will take your advice seriously. yeah, he mentioned that i was not consistent on this one. like you said, follow thru. but the house is such a stumbling block. her in it, and it being somewhere that you don't want empty houses.........so we can't just kick her out and leave it sitting there. and no. we have no one in the area who is capable or willing to deal with a rental situation. really, it's just a tough situation.
and yes siree, he sho do respond to reward!
alas, as for the emails, i have no way to block them, as they go to his work email, AND his black(crack..)berry. i have no control over that. we both work for the same huge company and the computers are totally not usurpable. and, she's stopped sending here at home, she's a canny little whale, that's for sure. no, we've set a time frame, and i will use the "i see and reward" tactic. cause the truth is, he REALLY wants this to go away and not lie there like poison between us. he honestly wants to make it right.
nuff sed.
and yes siree, he sho do respond to reward!
alas, as for the emails, i have no way to block them, as they go to his work email, AND his black(crack..)berry. i have no control over that. we both work for the same huge company and the computers are totally not usurpable. and, she's stopped sending here at home, she's a canny little whale, that's for sure. no, we've set a time frame, and i will use the "i see and reward" tactic. cause the truth is, he REALLY wants this to go away and not lie there like poison between us. he honestly wants to make it right.
nuff sed.
That woman sounds like a pain in the arse. Anyway why owuld your hubby be interesting in someone so needy and dependent. It's not doing her any favours either letting her think that it's ok for her to sponge off you and your hubby by living rent free in the house as if it's because she has a special place in his affections.
It is still strange that a woman who used to be romantically involved with your husband would still have ties like this with him. Maybe if you find another lodger for the house that will pay rent, that's another way to get her out.
It is still strange that a woman who used to be romantically involved with your husband would still have ties like this with him. Maybe if you find another lodger for the house that will pay rent, that's another way to get her out.
you know, i was just thinking the nerve of some people...
must be nice to have a good paying job and live rent free..have money sent to you, whenever you ask...sht..i must be going about the whole "life" thing wrong..i work my booty off, nothing give to me, pay my bills...oh wait..yes, i can look in the mirror and like what i see...it is nice to know im not needy, i can do it on my own..yep...think ill stay this way...some people are so pathetic.
sorry for th ramble, just kinda gets on my nerves..moochers...
seriously,
go ahead and start the ball rolling, you find an agent to sell that house...call him/her first..lay all the ground work..then say sweetly..i found an agent that i think can help us..you call them and see what you think. make sure you tell the agent upfront you are agressive about selling the house..when hubby calls..reward him...keep it going from there...
must be nice to have a good paying job and live rent free..have money sent to you, whenever you ask...sht..i must be going about the whole "life" thing wrong..i work my booty off, nothing give to me, pay my bills...oh wait..yes, i can look in the mirror and like what i see...it is nice to know im not needy, i can do it on my own..yep...think ill stay this way...some people are so pathetic.
sorry for th ramble, just kinda gets on my nerves..moochers...
seriously,
go ahead and start the ball rolling, you find an agent to sell that house...call him/her first..lay all the ground work..then say sweetly..i found an agent that i think can help us..you call them and see what you think. make sure you tell the agent upfront you are agressive about selling the house..when hubby calls..reward him...keep it going from there...
Im really glad someone brought this up cause Im faced with a similar problem currently - being married to a cancer man, who simply can't cut unhealthy ties to ex-girlfriends, ex-wife etc and it's making me so furious cause I don't know how to handle the whole thing. So thanx everybody for your contributions (and redhead for bringing this up)
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