What is going on with my cancer man?
This topic was created in the Cancer forum by MagicBananas on Wednesday, August 10, 2011 and has 26 replies.
CM and I have been together for 7 months and we recently moved in together about 2 months ago. I know it was really quick but my roommate bailed on me and I was stuck paying for everything at our place. We decided that he would move in since he was staying with me all the time anyway.
It was great the first month but the last month has been a struggle for us, well for me anyway. He seems to have become somewhat detached from me, not really emotionally but physically. He says that he loves me and wants to marry me, but sometimes it seems like he just doesn??t like me anymore, and if he does he doesn??t show it to me physically. There is very little touching, kissing and sex right now. The problem is that if I try to talk to him about it he seems confused and has no idea what I am talking about. I feel like I put forth effort to show him physical attention and encourage him to respond the same but it doesn??t seem to be working. I feel like all of my efforts are useless and I shouldn??t even bother showing him affection if I don??t get anything in return. I feel helpless...
What the hell is going on with him? Could he really be that clueless about it? Is this him retreating into his shell? Is it a phase that he could get past?
It was great the first month but the last month has been a struggle for us, well for me anyway. He seems to have become somewhat detached from me, not really emotionally but physically. He says that he loves me and wants to marry me, but sometimes it seems like he just doesn??t like me anymore, and if he does he doesn??t show it to me physically. There is very little touching, kissing and sex right now. The problem is that if I try to talk to him about it he seems confused and has no idea what I am talking about. I feel like I put forth effort to show him physical attention and encourage him to respond the same but it doesn??t seem to be working. I feel like all of my efforts are useless and I shouldn??t even bother showing him affection if I don??t get anything in return. I feel helpless...
What the hell is going on with him? Could he really be that clueless about it? Is this him retreating into his shell? Is it a phase that he could get past?
sounds like he's playing dumb? how can he not notice you aren't being physically close, especially if you are usually? i couldn't say why he's being avoidant, but you have a right to know, you're living together and there's obviously an issue. the best way to approach it?
maybe try writing a letter if talking isn't going so well...otherwise your home situation is just gonna be tense and awkward, who needs that.
maybe try writing a letter if talking isn't going so well...otherwise your home situation is just gonna be tense and awkward, who needs that.
Too much focus on him and what's wrong which creates pressure, negativity seems to multiply and multiply and the key is to get out of that negative space as quickly as you can by creating more attraction instead, the best way to do that is be happy because honestly his feelings and his unhappiness has little to do with you and more to do with him and his own fears, be positive around him, go live your life meaning do the things you would typically do without him and let him pull himself back into the relationship which he will once he realizes his fears are unfounded, the less pressure he feels the quicker he'll pull out of his own shell.
There are couple of things that could be going on
1. He's afraid of commitment and the impending expectation of getting married at some point, can't live together forever
2. He's seeing someone else or wishing he could see someone else
3. He's lost attraction due to the daily routine and is in fact just bored out of his mind
4. None of his issues have nothing to do with you and the relationship and he's just stressed out due to his own personal issues and life and his way of dealing with it is to distance himself, something men do while under stress, IMO I'm thinking it's number 4.
There are couple of things that could be going on
1. He's afraid of commitment and the impending expectation of getting married at some point, can't live together forever
2. He's seeing someone else or wishing he could see someone else
3. He's lost attraction due to the daily routine and is in fact just bored out of his mind
4. None of his issues have nothing to do with you and the relationship and he's just stressed out due to his own personal issues and life and his way of dealing with it is to distance himself, something men do while under stress, IMO I'm thinking it's number 4.
you might need to do less talking and more initiating. Stand him up on the wall or throw him on the sofa and proceed to do something strange for a little piece of change.
Posted by thecontender
you might need to do less talking and more initiating. Stand him up on the wall or throw him on the sofa and proceed to do something strange for a little piece of change.
lol that might work too...less talking more sex
Ok - well I appreciate your insight on the issue. Unfortunatly, after tonight I think it may be #2. 
Well - I think I may change my answer. I saw him flirting with a girl last night and I didn't think much of it. Later when we got home he just had to bring it up that maybe there was some tension between me and the girl. Like he wanted me to notice or something, Idk I may have felt a little peeved because they were getting so close. I just assumed that they were friends. He has a lot of girl friends and they always run up to him and give him lots of attention.
Anyway, I don't really know what to think, I don't think he is a cheater and I don't really think he wants to be with someone else. He is probably the most sweet and honest person I have ever met. So I am switching my answer to number 4 and I'm gonna chalk it up to me not being open enough. He said that I should be giving him more attention when we go out so that girls know that we are together. ????? I just assumed he didn't want me to be all over him like that because sometimes I feel rejected when I try. Maybe I am the one that isn't being intimate enough with him. So I am going to take thecontender's advice and just be more intimate with him and forget about all of the small things that set me off.
Anyway, I don't really know what to think, I don't think he is a cheater and I don't really think he wants to be with someone else. He is probably the most sweet and honest person I have ever met. So I am switching my answer to number 4 and I'm gonna chalk it up to me not being open enough. He said that I should be giving him more attention when we go out so that girls know that we are together. ????? I just assumed he didn't want me to be all over him like that because sometimes I feel rejected when I try. Maybe I am the one that isn't being intimate enough with him. So I am going to take thecontender's advice and just be more intimate with him and forget about all of the small things that set me off.
Thanks Wineaux your so smart! I am going to take him out to dinner tonight and I will give him lots of kisses and hugs. I will let you know how things turn out 
Yes, they love to be fussed over. Give him oodles of kisses and hugs. Reading your post makes me miss mc. Sigh!
How about this?
It's quite normal for a relationship to have oodles of physical contact for the first few months. As the people in it get used to each other and relax they get less physical. Chemistry goes from "I must shag you all the time, can't get enough of it" to "I feel more relaxed, secure and comfortable around you and don't feel the need to express as often".
I mean, how many relationships do you know of whereby the people in it are still having that hot, sizzling sex after the first year or so? It changes, it takes on a more relaxed form.
Perhaps he misses having his own space because he didn't live with you before? It's a way of getting space without leaving.
It's quite normal for a relationship to have oodles of physical contact for the first few months. As the people in it get used to each other and relax they get less physical. Chemistry goes from "I must shag you all the time, can't get enough of it" to "I feel more relaxed, secure and comfortable around you and don't feel the need to express as often".
I mean, how many relationships do you know of whereby the people in it are still having that hot, sizzling sex after the first year or so? It changes, it takes on a more relaxed form.
Perhaps he misses having his own space because he didn't live with you before? It's a way of getting space without leaving.
******Update****** I really # $ % $ @ed up now. The night started off really well; but then I got a call on our way to dinner and I found out I was laid-off from my job. I was super upset, I was on the verge of crying but my CM didn't even try to console me. I continue the night trying to have a good time and end up getting slightly drunk.
Later I couldn't help but say something about his failure to notice how upset I was earlier in the day. I told him that he never knows what I need at the right time and I said that I think he is growing apart from me. We argued about it some more and then went to bed.
Now I don't know what to do to fix this. I am so in love with him and I am devastated at the idea of being without him. I just don't know if I should leave him. I can't continue in a relationship where I am constantly fighting for attention and compassion from him. I feel sick thinking that he is at work thinking about this too.........cry...........
Later I couldn't help but say something about his failure to notice how upset I was earlier in the day. I told him that he never knows what I need at the right time and I said that I think he is growing apart from me. We argued about it some more and then went to bed.
Now I don't know what to do to fix this. I am so in love with him and I am devastated at the idea of being without him. I just don't know if I should leave him. I can't continue in a relationship where I am constantly fighting for attention and compassion from him. I feel sick thinking that he is at work thinking about this too.........cry...........
So sorry to hear about your lay off MB ):
Take some time to cool off and regroup...You can't expect anyone to give to you but then again if he's in the relationship with you he naturally ought to want to share a part of himself with you.
In your case it seems the way you deal with stress is completely opposite of one another, men (not all men) typically distance themselves, go inside of themselves, sometimes not knowing what to do at that exact moment and if you're not aware of how men deal with hard issues you can easily begin to lash out, blame, point the finger and create even more distance. A woman would know to immediately console you and feel that void but men are not women, they can't be expected to know how to handle things like a woman, it doesn't appear he's being selfish but more protective of himself, I'm sure he was just as worried and afraid as you were.
I don't think he necessarily didn't care about you're feelings, I think it's more of not knowing what to do and not knowing how to express himself in a way that doesn't make him feel uneasy and too vulnerable. I'm not saying what you're feeling isn't real for you but more so about you needing a certain kind of validation that not even he would know how to give.
Sometimes our reactions create the very thing we don't want which is distance, if he saw you dealing with your issues on your own and taking responsibility for your feelings more then that would leave an open safe passage way for him to insert the kind of response you need but yet you lash out at him for something he's clearly not able to give at that moment b/c maybe he doesn't know how to do that in the way you need him to.
You are both under an immense amount of pressure and stress and if you continue focusing on what your not getting from him it will only make you appear needy and dependent and the inevitable result of that is more distance and nothing ever gets resolved. Try to get out for a while by yourself, gather your thoughts and let him know how you feel without implicating him in any way, say I feel so alone, I feel so unloved and all by myself in this, don't say you did this and didn't do that, just leave that out of it...Say how you feel and let it be, give him time to process it and see what response you get, most likely he'll extend a hug and kiss and if he's just done with it all he won't do anything to fix it. He has to fix it or you'll never get anything but more distance and frustration.
Take some time to cool off and regroup...You can't expect anyone to give to you but then again if he's in the relationship with you he naturally ought to want to share a part of himself with you.
In your case it seems the way you deal with stress is completely opposite of one another, men (not all men) typically distance themselves, go inside of themselves, sometimes not knowing what to do at that exact moment and if you're not aware of how men deal with hard issues you can easily begin to lash out, blame, point the finger and create even more distance. A woman would know to immediately console you and feel that void but men are not women, they can't be expected to know how to handle things like a woman, it doesn't appear he's being selfish but more protective of himself, I'm sure he was just as worried and afraid as you were.
I don't think he necessarily didn't care about you're feelings, I think it's more of not knowing what to do and not knowing how to express himself in a way that doesn't make him feel uneasy and too vulnerable. I'm not saying what you're feeling isn't real for you but more so about you needing a certain kind of validation that not even he would know how to give.
Sometimes our reactions create the very thing we don't want which is distance, if he saw you dealing with your issues on your own and taking responsibility for your feelings more then that would leave an open safe passage way for him to insert the kind of response you need but yet you lash out at him for something he's clearly not able to give at that moment b/c maybe he doesn't know how to do that in the way you need him to.
You are both under an immense amount of pressure and stress and if you continue focusing on what your not getting from him it will only make you appear needy and dependent and the inevitable result of that is more distance and nothing ever gets resolved. Try to get out for a while by yourself, gather your thoughts and let him know how you feel without implicating him in any way, say I feel so alone, I feel so unloved and all by myself in this, don't say you did this and didn't do that, just leave that out of it...Say how you feel and let it be, give him time to process it and see what response you get, most likely he'll extend a hug and kiss and if he's just done with it all he won't do anything to fix it. He has to fix it or you'll never get anything but more distance and frustration.
M
So true....
Posted by moongirljj
Pull back from him and don't even tell him why, just get busy and mirror what he has been doing. He will soon come running to you for attention. Sounds like he is taking you for granted and possibly having doubts about the relationship, My Cancer guy went like this before we broke up recently. The natural reaction is to cling on more/ask what is wrong and try to "fix" things but thats the worst thing you can do. Let him feel uncertain now. Throw yourself in to hobbies or a job search, start to see you could live without him if you needed to and he will start to focus on the good about you and come close again.
This is from experience.
So true....
Ok - so I have decided that I really want this relationship to work, but I have decided that I am going to give it two more weeks. I know that is probably really stupid, but I am pulling my hair out.
Anyway, we had a bad argument on Sunday night and I was soooo frustrated that I started getting my stuff together and loading it into my car. I felt that I absolutely had to leave the relationship right away. He really lost it. Acted crazy and panicky. He swore he loved me and wants to marry me and begged me not to go. I really don't want to. His behavior really bothered me. I just think that we are both unhappy in the relationship. I can't stop thinking about the pics he showed me of him and his ex. They looked so happy together - we almost never look like that. I really want to be happy with him but he is not giving me everything I need and I am sick of begging for it.........cry.....cry..cry.
Anyway, we had a bad argument on Sunday night and I was soooo frustrated that I started getting my stuff together and loading it into my car. I felt that I absolutely had to leave the relationship right away. He really lost it. Acted crazy and panicky. He swore he loved me and wants to marry me and begged me not to go. I really don't want to. His behavior really bothered me. I just think that we are both unhappy in the relationship. I can't stop thinking about the pics he showed me of him and his ex. They looked so happy together - we almost never look like that. I really want to be happy with him but he is not giving me everything I need and I am sick of begging for it.........cry.....cry..cry.
Ok wineaux here it goes
1. what are YOUR fears? I fear that he is not happy with me, I fear that he is still in love with his ex and that he wishes I could be her. I fear that he only wants to be with me because he doesn't want to be alone. I fear that he has lost some attraction for me and that it will only get worse.
2. how can you change them? I have been trying by talking things through. The words seem to make me feel better work but the actions continue
3. what do you guys argue about? We argue when I am trying to talk through stuff with him and we never get anywhere. Most of the time it's calm resolution that gets us there but the arguing starts when I get really frazzled and I explode after days of frustration with him. I have said that I don't think that he acts like he likes me and that I feel like he doesn't appreciate me. I want him to show me physical feelings but he thinks that cooking me dinner or taking me out is enough to show that he cares. And it may be, but I need to feel wanted. I feel like he doesn't even want to touch me sometimes or he is miles away when we are making love. I miss the emotional connection that we shared.
4. when you get frustrated, is it your first instinct to walk away instead of talk it out? Depending, sometimes I think that my efforts are going to be useless anyway so I should just get out while I can. Sometimes I want to walk out sometimes I want to talk it through. I can't express my feelings very well so sometimes I need to get out so I can experience more emotions about the situation instead of trying to logically fix things.
5. what about his behavior bothered you so much? He just seemed a little off. Not like himself.
6. do either or the both of you have trouble communicating your feelings to one another? and is that verbally, mentally or both? In all honesty I believe that we are equally afraid of the same things. That the other person doesn't care about us. That the other person is going to leave. It's a weird combination we are so much alike that it's scary. I can admit that I get distant too but I get distant because I am having these fears. I know that he is trying to give me the affection that I want but then it just feels forced. I hate anything that doesn't feel real. In my head you either like someone or you don't and if you do then you should automatically feel that way and want to be close to that person.
1. what are YOUR fears? I fear that he is not happy with me, I fear that he is still in love with his ex and that he wishes I could be her. I fear that he only wants to be with me because he doesn't want to be alone. I fear that he has lost some attraction for me and that it will only get worse.
2. how can you change them? I have been trying by talking things through. The words seem to make me feel better work but the actions continue
3. what do you guys argue about? We argue when I am trying to talk through stuff with him and we never get anywhere. Most of the time it's calm resolution that gets us there but the arguing starts when I get really frazzled and I explode after days of frustration with him. I have said that I don't think that he acts like he likes me and that I feel like he doesn't appreciate me. I want him to show me physical feelings but he thinks that cooking me dinner or taking me out is enough to show that he cares. And it may be, but I need to feel wanted. I feel like he doesn't even want to touch me sometimes or he is miles away when we are making love. I miss the emotional connection that we shared.
4. when you get frustrated, is it your first instinct to walk away instead of talk it out? Depending, sometimes I think that my efforts are going to be useless anyway so I should just get out while I can. Sometimes I want to walk out sometimes I want to talk it through. I can't express my feelings very well so sometimes I need to get out so I can experience more emotions about the situation instead of trying to logically fix things.
5. what about his behavior bothered you so much? He just seemed a little off. Not like himself.
6. do either or the both of you have trouble communicating your feelings to one another? and is that verbally, mentally or both? In all honesty I believe that we are equally afraid of the same things. That the other person doesn't care about us. That the other person is going to leave. It's a weird combination we are so much alike that it's scary. I can admit that I get distant too but I get distant because I am having these fears. I know that he is trying to give me the affection that I want but then it just feels forced. I hate anything that doesn't feel real. In my head you either like someone or you don't and if you do then you should automatically feel that way and want to be close to that person.
cont....
7. how does it make you feel when he tells you he loves you and wants to marry you? I feel really good and I want those things too. I want to have a family with him which I've never wanted to do with anyone else.
8. don't ever gauge your relationship on a captured moment depicting something that may not even exist. if that's what YOU want your relationship to be, then tell him. of tell him how it bothers you and to put the pic away. True he says horrible things about their relationship. They had a bad falling out. I heard from a friend of his that they were doing really well but things turned sour and it ended. I don't want it to turn sour with us but I can see the pattern that could have ruined it. I can't pretend to really know why but I am starting to feel sour myself. I don't want to throw in the towel but something is not right. This guy makes me feel like I am 16 and I am like a desperate kid trying to get a guy to like me, almost like we aren't even together yet but I really want it to happen. I've only had two other real relationships before and the last one was lasted 5 years. I have never had to cling on for attention or wish the other person would show me affection it was always just there.
7. how does it make you feel when he tells you he loves you and wants to marry you? I feel really good and I want those things too. I want to have a family with him which I've never wanted to do with anyone else.
8. don't ever gauge your relationship on a captured moment depicting something that may not even exist. if that's what YOU want your relationship to be, then tell him. of tell him how it bothers you and to put the pic away. True he says horrible things about their relationship. They had a bad falling out. I heard from a friend of his that they were doing really well but things turned sour and it ended. I don't want it to turn sour with us but I can see the pattern that could have ruined it. I can't pretend to really know why but I am starting to feel sour myself. I don't want to throw in the towel but something is not right. This guy makes me feel like I am 16 and I am like a desperate kid trying to get a guy to like me, almost like we aren't even together yet but I really want it to happen. I've only had two other real relationships before and the last one was lasted 5 years. I have never had to cling on for attention or wish the other person would show me affection it was always just there.
bananalady - i think you guys moved too fast. A cancer can fall in love with the feeling of love and get really caught up... then start going backwards when they realize what they've got themselves into. Especially since he played hero and took care of you when you first got together. Now you want this charming, loving night in shining armor you fell in love with. Cancers are not like this all the time. I'd say maybe 30% actually but the more they love you it does get better.
The more you keep demanding what you want and need from him, the more he will withdraw. He's making you feel like you're 16 because you are living in a sea of emotion that is mostly insecurity and fear. He's picking up yours and firing out his own.
It's not going to work if you continue to live together. You have to move out and slow it down. And not moving out in anger after a big fight where you've said things you don't mean. Everything you say to him that is hurtful or needy he is remembering and filing away to think about over and over again when he's alone.
Get some space between you with the intent to reconnect when clearer heads/hearts prevail.
2 cents
The more you keep demanding what you want and need from him, the more he will withdraw. He's making you feel like you're 16 because you are living in a sea of emotion that is mostly insecurity and fear. He's picking up yours and firing out his own.
It's not going to work if you continue to live together. You have to move out and slow it down. And not moving out in anger after a big fight where you've said things you don't mean. Everything you say to him that is hurtful or needy he is remembering and filing away to think about over and over again when he's alone.
Get some space between you with the intent to reconnect when clearer heads/hearts prevail.
2 cents
"1. what are YOUR fears? I fear that he is not happy with me, I fear that he is still in love with his ex and that he wishes I could be her. I fear that he only wants to be with me because he doesn't want to be alone. I fear that he has lost some attraction for me and that it will only get worse."
You are self sabotaging your relationship...Do you have a habit/pattern of doing this MagicBanana's? Do you create fears and then play them out with men in your past?
All your fears are probably unfounded but unfortunately b/c they are fears you are going to be looking and escalating these fears into reality by constantly going over them which puts you in a very fearful space inside of yourself emotionally, there is no way your cancer guy can help you with this b/c he's not even the cause of these feelings in the first place. It isn't fair to him that you've created all these fears in your head and he has to be the one responsible for fixing those fears. Don't you see how you are breaking your own relationship down with your insecure fears?
Be secure...Get your feet on the ground, tell yourself you've made up all these lies which are scaring you shitless and destroying your relationship and then go relax, be happy, enjoy what you have with him. But I can guarantee if you keep fixating on these insecure thoughts no one will be able to reach you and be close to you b/c you'll be too busy hugging yourself and hugging those wretched thoughts which pushes him out and away from you, those thoughts makes him appear to be the enemy..Can't you see that? All those thoughts do is create a wedge between the 2 of you.
I could see if these thoughts had some validity but there just thoughts that you've given all your power too and it's destroying your relationship. Try saying he loves me, he is with me not her, try planting some positive seeds instead of negative because the negative seeds are growing and it's pushing you 2 apart.
You are self sabotaging your relationship...Do you have a habit/pattern of doing this MagicBanana's? Do you create fears and then play them out with men in your past?
All your fears are probably unfounded but unfortunately b/c they are fears you are going to be looking and escalating these fears into reality by constantly going over them which puts you in a very fearful space inside of yourself emotionally, there is no way your cancer guy can help you with this b/c he's not even the cause of these feelings in the first place. It isn't fair to him that you've created all these fears in your head and he has to be the one responsible for fixing those fears. Don't you see how you are breaking your own relationship down with your insecure fears?
Be secure...Get your feet on the ground, tell yourself you've made up all these lies which are scaring you shitless and destroying your relationship and then go relax, be happy, enjoy what you have with him. But I can guarantee if you keep fixating on these insecure thoughts no one will be able to reach you and be close to you b/c you'll be too busy hugging yourself and hugging those wretched thoughts which pushes him out and away from you, those thoughts makes him appear to be the enemy..Can't you see that? All those thoughts do is create a wedge between the 2 of you.
I could see if these thoughts had some validity but there just thoughts that you've given all your power too and it's destroying your relationship. Try saying he loves me, he is with me not her, try planting some positive seeds instead of negative because the negative seeds are growing and it's pushing you 2 apart.
"2. how can you change them? I have been trying by talking things through. The words seem to make me feel better work but the actions continue"
That won't work...Why? Because those fearful thoughts are for you to fix "FOR YOURSELF", those thoughts are yours so own them and then change them. You are going about this all wrong and you've made your fears his problem too and that is creating a deep wedge between the 2 of you. You are nagging him about something he can't fix and that's why he appears to be more and more apathetic towards you, it's not that he doesn't love you, I'm sure he does but when you ask or expect him to fix something he had no responsibility in damaging you in the first place, well that creates confusion and anger and distance. How can he fix something he had no part in developing in the first place. You thought all these fears up and now he has to talk it to death to fix YOU'RE PROBLEM, that's ridiculous, he can't fix that.
"3. what do you guys argue about? We argue when I am trying to talk through stuff with him and we never get anywhere. Most of the time it's calm resolution that gets us there but the arguing starts when I get really frazzled and I explode after days of frustration with him. I have said that I don't think that he acts like he likes me and that I feel like he doesn't appreciate me. I want him to show me physical feelings but he thinks that cooking me dinner or taking me out is enough to show that he cares. And it may be, but I need to feel wanted. I feel like he doesn't even want to touch me sometimes or he is miles away when we are making love. I miss the emotional connection that we shared. "
You are not happy! You are not happy with yourself and as long as you continue to be unhappy with yourself you'll expect him to FIX IT, expecting him to be man to be some kind of super hero and fix all your feelings/fears and unhappiness you'll most likely destroy this relationship...A man can only take so much and jump through so many hoops before he says forget it...He's almost there, he's almost ready to throw in the towel. He's not responsible for you and your feelings, FULFILL YOUR OWN WANTS, go volunteer, go do something that fills up your spirit, stop looking for a man and a relationship to do what YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING. He's giving you all he can, cooking, taking you out and it's not good enough, so what can you do for yourself to help you fulfill your desires outside of reaching for him to do it?
That won't work...Why? Because those fearful thoughts are for you to fix "FOR YOURSELF", those thoughts are yours so own them and then change them. You are going about this all wrong and you've made your fears his problem too and that is creating a deep wedge between the 2 of you. You are nagging him about something he can't fix and that's why he appears to be more and more apathetic towards you, it's not that he doesn't love you, I'm sure he does but when you ask or expect him to fix something he had no responsibility in damaging you in the first place, well that creates confusion and anger and distance. How can he fix something he had no part in developing in the first place. You thought all these fears up and now he has to talk it to death to fix YOU'RE PROBLEM, that's ridiculous, he can't fix that.
"3. what do you guys argue about? We argue when I am trying to talk through stuff with him and we never get anywhere. Most of the time it's calm resolution that gets us there but the arguing starts when I get really frazzled and I explode after days of frustration with him. I have said that I don't think that he acts like he likes me and that I feel like he doesn't appreciate me. I want him to show me physical feelings but he thinks that cooking me dinner or taking me out is enough to show that he cares. And it may be, but I need to feel wanted. I feel like he doesn't even want to touch me sometimes or he is miles away when we are making love. I miss the emotional connection that we shared. "
You are not happy! You are not happy with yourself and as long as you continue to be unhappy with yourself you'll expect him to FIX IT, expecting him to be man to be some kind of super hero and fix all your feelings/fears and unhappiness you'll most likely destroy this relationship...A man can only take so much and jump through so many hoops before he says forget it...He's almost there, he's almost ready to throw in the towel. He's not responsible for you and your feelings, FULFILL YOUR OWN WANTS, go volunteer, go do something that fills up your spirit, stop looking for a man and a relationship to do what YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING. He's giving you all he can, cooking, taking you out and it's not good enough, so what can you do for yourself to help you fulfill your desires outside of reaching for him to do it?
"I have never had to cling on for attention or wish the other person would show me affection it was always just there."
You don't have to cling on for attention nor wish he would show you affection, it's just something you've chosen to do, you don't have to do it but your way of getting what you want is to talk it to death AND THAT WON'T WORK, so stop doing that, not every man is going to be the same as the last 2 guys and you shouldn't expect him to be, he's not going to sit up and coddle and snuggle and nest with you forever, at some point the honeymoon is over and life goes on, you are still responsible for fulfilling your individual needs along with fulfilling the relationship needs.
You don't have to cling on for attention nor wish he would show you affection, it's just something you've chosen to do, you don't have to do it but your way of getting what you want is to talk it to death AND THAT WON'T WORK, so stop doing that, not every man is going to be the same as the last 2 guys and you shouldn't expect him to be, he's not going to sit up and coddle and snuggle and nest with you forever, at some point the honeymoon is over and life goes on, you are still responsible for fulfilling your individual needs along with fulfilling the relationship needs.
"I know that he is trying to give me the affection that I want but then it just feels forced. I hate anything that doesn't feel real. In my head you either like someone or you don't and if you do then you should automatically feel that way and want to be close to that person"
And this is the problem...You see him "TRYING" to give you affection and then it feels forced because you live in your head and not in your heart. Your head is saying something is wrong and then you dwell and hold onto what you think is wrong as a truth, and you living in that space completely disconnects you from your relationship, from the man you love and so when he reaches out to give you REAL AFFECTION you completely reject him and his affection b/c you are convinced it's not real and that convincing was made up by you, you've made all these illusions and thoughts real so real that you can't even relax and enjoy your relationship. You are allowing whatever it is going on in your head to put a huge wedge between the 2 of you. Get out of your head, get back to your heart and allow this man to give you the affection you desire and be appreciative of his efforts.
Right now you are in your own way and it'll most likely end the relationship....
And this is the problem...You see him "TRYING" to give you affection and then it feels forced because you live in your head and not in your heart. Your head is saying something is wrong and then you dwell and hold onto what you think is wrong as a truth, and you living in that space completely disconnects you from your relationship, from the man you love and so when he reaches out to give you REAL AFFECTION you completely reject him and his affection b/c you are convinced it's not real and that convincing was made up by you, you've made all these illusions and thoughts real so real that you can't even relax and enjoy your relationship. You are allowing whatever it is going on in your head to put a huge wedge between the 2 of you. Get out of your head, get back to your heart and allow this man to give you the affection you desire and be appreciative of his efforts.
Right now you are in your own way and it'll most likely end the relationship....
Update for wineaux
Wow there has been a dramatic turn around. I have no idea what happened but things are amazingly great. It's been all hugs and kisses and I love you's. I am just going to sit back and enjoy it and keep my stupid mouth shut.
Wow there has been a dramatic turn around. I have no idea what happened but things are amazingly great. It's been all hugs and kisses and I love you's. I am just going to sit back and enjoy it and keep my stupid mouth shut.
LMAO@ I am just going to sit back and enjoy it and keep my stupid mouth shut.
YAY!! I'm glad you relaxed, stop letting your fears lead the way and notice it didn't take much to turn it all around.
YAY!! I'm glad you relaxed, stop letting your fears lead the way and notice it didn't take much to turn it all around.
Posted by MagicBananas
I am just going to sit back and enjoy it and keep my stupid mouth shut.
instead.... why not return the same affection and encourage this lovely behavior? or things may return to the same old pattern by the next full moon.
Hey guys. Just thought I would update> things are still great. Also I found a job already so things are steady. I know that stability is really important so I feel good about things. Also he told his mother about me and he asked me to marry him (again). I said yes again (of course) we will see what happens.
Posted by Leo1970Yea i agree with this as its time to teach these boys how it feels if he simply cant "get it"
MPosted by moongirljj
Pull back from him and don't even tell him why, just get busy and mirror what he has been doing. He will soon come running to you for attention. Sounds like he is taking you for granted and possibly having doubts about the relationship, My Cancer guy went like this before we broke up recently. The natural reaction is to cling on more/ask what is wrong and try to "fix" things but thats the worst thing you can do. Let him feel uncertain now. Throw yourself in to hobbies or a job search, start to see you could live without him if you needed to and he will start to focus on the good about you and come close again.
This is from experience.
So true....click to expand
they soon (men in general) understand it quick enough when the mirror is placed up in front of them
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