WHAT THE *3&%! IS THE CANCER DUDE DOING?
This topic was created in the Cancer forum by sinder on Monday, January 1, 2007 and has 44 replies.
Alright,,,,,,,,first off Happy New Year to Everyone..
I have dated this man for about 7 months now. There are some things that concern me about him that i have ran a topic on in this forum and have gotten some good advice and insight. let me get the point on this one.
this past saturday afternoon into sunday afternoon was spent with my boyfriend. we had a beautifl day and night together. i bought dessert and he made dinner and drinks that was out of this world. we made love all night into the next day. (we just started having sex by the way)
I had been asking him if he wanted to go out for new years eve and he didn't give me a straight answer. anyhow, i had to work on new years eve ( i am an entertainer on the weekends) i wanted him to come and have plenty of breaks and to spend time with him plus i just thought it would be nice to spend the holiday together. he commented that it was a far drive (about an hour) Before i left to work, i asked again and he said he really didn't want to go and would probably stay in. i said i would be a little sad when midnight comes and i won't have anyone to kiss. he commented that i should kiss certain people (those that sort of have a thing for me that want to date me) i said i will call you as soon as i could after midnight. when i called he said he was a few states away with his freinds.
he said it was spur of the moment and he hadn't seen them in several months. He drove 5 hours to get there and was sleeping overnight. he acted as if there was nothing wrong with this. i asked him if he wanted to hang out when he gets back and he said he wants to wait to see how he feels.
Is this guy using me at convenience or what? i feel like he is wanting me to see one this for his own benefit and really he feels a whole different way for me underneath. i was asking him for almost a mont about new years and also asked if he could take pictures because i knew the stage was going to be decorated beautifully.
i am seriously contemplating leaving this guy. do you guys ever encounter this? he was so nonchalant about the fact that he drove that far away but wouldn't drive for an hour to see me? i am so mad.
I have dated this man for about 7 months now. There are some things that concern me about him that i have ran a topic on in this forum and have gotten some good advice and insight. let me get the point on this one.
this past saturday afternoon into sunday afternoon was spent with my boyfriend. we had a beautifl day and night together. i bought dessert and he made dinner and drinks that was out of this world. we made love all night into the next day. (we just started having sex by the way)
I had been asking him if he wanted to go out for new years eve and he didn't give me a straight answer. anyhow, i had to work on new years eve ( i am an entertainer on the weekends) i wanted him to come and have plenty of breaks and to spend time with him plus i just thought it would be nice to spend the holiday together. he commented that it was a far drive (about an hour) Before i left to work, i asked again and he said he really didn't want to go and would probably stay in. i said i would be a little sad when midnight comes and i won't have anyone to kiss. he commented that i should kiss certain people (those that sort of have a thing for me that want to date me) i said i will call you as soon as i could after midnight. when i called he said he was a few states away with his freinds.
he said it was spur of the moment and he hadn't seen them in several months. He drove 5 hours to get there and was sleeping overnight. he acted as if there was nothing wrong with this. i asked him if he wanted to hang out when he gets back and he said he wants to wait to see how he feels.
Is this guy using me at convenience or what? i feel like he is wanting me to see one this for his own benefit and really he feels a whole different way for me underneath. i was asking him for almost a mont about new years and also asked if he could take pictures because i knew the stage was going to be decorated beautifully.
i am seriously contemplating leaving this guy. do you guys ever encounter this? he was so nonchalant about the fact that he drove that far away but wouldn't drive for an hour to see me? i am so mad.
My dear, this is a matter of the dreaded "expectations" You have expectations of him that he is not fullfilling. Now you need to pause, step back and evaluate this. This man is showing you who he is and how he acts. How do you truly feel about this? Is this something that you can live with? If you are contemplating a long term relationship with this man this is a very serious question you should ponder. On one hand he is entitled to make the choices that bring him happiness, even if that does not include you. How do you truly feel about this. In the world of undconditional love, one understands that the happiness of the other is equally important as our own. This does not mean we must sacrifice our happiness for another, but, instead, that we must view this person as they truly are and decide if his actions are acceptable to you. I think many people, much like you, observe behavior they find distrubing and ignore the true affect it has on them. Obviously, his choice has created displease to you. But, the important part how do you truly feel about this? Are you disappointed because he did not do what you wanted him to do? If this is the case, you and he will have problems down the road. You need to rationally communicate to him, in an analytical non emotional manner how you feel. See how he received it and what his response is. Then after receiving the information you need to decide for yourself how you feel about all of this, make the choice that ensures your happiness for you.
Kate
Kate
i am disappointed because i thought that he would want to spend the time with me because it was a romantic holiday and would have been our first new years together. with our schedules we do not see each other that much as it is. i feel like i put him first and he puts me in a different ranking. i feel like his priorites are more self centered, i am a pisces if that means anything regarding this, i give of myself and it makes me happy to do so and if if means sacrificing a little, i do it to show my love.
kate- what should i ask him exactly without sounding too emotional? Just ask him why he would drive 5 hours to spend time with friends and wouldn't drive one hour to be with me?
First, you must disengage yourself from your emotional feels. This is very difficult for women to do because we are emotionally driven. How do you do this. Make the analytical analysis of what occurred the priority, not you feelings which are the result of your emotional component. Look at it analytically, what really happened? It would seem to me you did not spend time together on a day that you thought should have more significance to him. Maybe it just does not have that much significance to him. Are you alright with that? This could also happen on Valentines day, birthdays, Thanksgiving, any date and time you might feel should have significance to him also. evaluate how you feel about this, know the answer before you talk to him. Approach him in a none confrontational manner such as. You know, something happnened that has me perplexed and is problematic to me. I would like to talk to you about it, but I also do not want to create a problem or make this an issue. Would you be willing to discuss this in a philisophical manner with me, void of emotions so I can communicate to you how I feel about this situation. Listen to what he says. Most men don't wnat to have "the talk" about anything because women tend to be overly emotional and they just hate it. If he says yes, then you have to keep your part of the bargain and keep the emotions out of it. It might be based on how you were brought up, or simply how your heart operates when it comes to romance. Whatever it is, just explain it exactly like that, void of emotion, just like one friend talking to another. Give it a shot and let me know but whatever you do, do not attempt to discuss this with him while you are still overpowered by your emotions.
Kate
Kate
Wow.. thats really bad and insensitive. Are you sure that there isn't some misunderstanding? The comment about kissing other people on New Years is weird. Maybe he was angry that you had to work on New Years eve?
Kate this is an approach i never would have considered but makes great sense and will be very new to me. this will be hard for me because i am driven intuitively and emotionally but i will try it though. I think I will make a list and just go off the list and ask how he views things. i really like your perspective on this.
maybe my expectations are too high (obviously) To me, I do not have an intimate relationship until i feel i can put this person way up on my priority list. I put him there and here I am thinking like he thinks as i do. (obviously not) My values may not be his values.
maybe my expectations are too high (obviously) To me, I do not have an intimate relationship until i feel i can put this person way up on my priority list. I put him there and here I am thinking like he thinks as i do. (obviously not) My values may not be his values.
ok suvant,,,,,,,,,
why should i dump him and not take the time to figure out what makes him tick.......
why should i dump him and not take the time to figure out what makes him tick.......
srg - i thought it was a little weird about the kissing thing too, if he was so concerned about who i would kiss then why didn't come to my show???right??? i am trying to be logical and reasonable. i know he hadn't seen these particular people in a while and maybe this was is only opportunity. i don't know for sure. all i know is that i asked him to be with me on our first new years, he declined, he went out of his way to see friends, i spent new years alone.
he just called me now and would like to go out to dinner today.........i said i would get back to him. i have to think about if i even want to go with him today or not. on top of it, its not like he is inviting me and paying for my dinner or anything, i would pay for it myself of course. what the % 3 $ *!!
he just called me now and would like to go out to dinner today.........i said i would get back to him. i have to think about if i even want to go with him today or not. on top of it, its not like he is inviting me and paying for my dinner or anything, i would pay for it myself of course. what the % 3 $ *!!
It sounds pretty insensitive alright but it could well be because he wasn't thinking before he spoke and so it came out like he deliberately wanted to hurt you. As in maybe it was just a spur of the moment change of plan about him travelling to see his friends.
I think kateinkansascity made some very good points and gave some very valuable advice. You should also consider the possibility that it is your expectations of him that need to be adjusted to the way he actually is. But make extra sure you are calm and have your emotions under control before you discuss any of this with him cos I know for myself my emotions and nerves can fly off very quickly unless I have them heavily guarded!
I think kateinkansascity made some very good points and gave some very valuable advice. You should also consider the possibility that it is your expectations of him that need to be adjusted to the way he actually is. But make extra sure you are calm and have your emotions under control before you discuss any of this with him cos I know for myself my emotions and nerves can fly off very quickly unless I have them heavily guarded!
well he will be calling me in the next hour or so about dinner, I will probably meet him because I am getting hungry
........
i don't want to be emotional and I am making a mental list of what i would like to bring up in conversation.
Actually, i feel a little cold about the whole thing. When i watched all my friends kissing and holding someone on new years eve it really stung. But when i called him to wish him a happy new years and found out he was a few states away that sort of made me numb. Maybe i am just a wee bit sentimental but it that is the case then everyone around me at that party must be sentimental as well. I would prefer to have someone as emotionally sensitive with simuliar priorites. I thought the cancers were that best at that. I thought i finally found someone I could open up to and share on a deep level.Maybe i thought wrong.
........i don't want to be emotional and I am making a mental list of what i would like to bring up in conversation.
Actually, i feel a little cold about the whole thing. When i watched all my friends kissing and holding someone on new years eve it really stung. But when i called him to wish him a happy new years and found out he was a few states away that sort of made me numb. Maybe i am just a wee bit sentimental but it that is the case then everyone around me at that party must be sentimental as well. I would prefer to have someone as emotionally sensitive with simuliar priorites. I thought the cancers were that best at that. I thought i finally found someone I could open up to and share on a deep level.Maybe i thought wrong.
"I thought i finally found someone I could open up to and share on a deep level.Maybe i thought wrong."
That sounds very much like an expectation of yours that wasn't met. I think it could all boil down to him not considering New Year's celebration as such a big deal.
That sounds very much like an expectation of yours that wasn't met. I think it could all boil down to him not considering New Year's celebration as such a big deal.
SO who thinks i am making a mountain out of a molehill? I am leaving to meet him for dinner now so i will get a better idea if he thinks holidays are pointless or if he thinks less of me than i thought. i am borrowing kates advice on this one....
I am leaving to meet him for dinner now so i will get a better idea if he thinks holidays are pointless or if he thinks less of me than i thought. i am borrowing kates advice on this one....You'll need to be the judge of that. Let us know how you get on and don't forget to chill!
Ok I am back from dinner and i was very cool. MellowDee I kept it together A little cold towards him perhaps but i kept my composure. i wasn't my affectionate self but i wasn't a crab ass either. (no puns intended there)We were talking about how each others new year was and i nonchalantly asked him what his reasoning was that he couldn't come to my show. He said that he really doesn't like to come out in a public place and have to sit anywhere by himself. I said why didn't you tell me that?? I said he could have sat with people i knew that would be there.
He did say he thinks holidays should be spent with those you care about, i guess that is as long as it is under the right circumstances.Then he told me he had to cut our dinner short because a friend was stopping by his place to visit unexpectantly. So I wasn't able to ask his thoughts to get an idea of where i am on his priority list.
I feel that I am definitely the one more attached to him than he is to me and i realize that I need to put this into some type of perspective where I am not revolving my world around him. Is that a pisces trait? I read that pisces aren't happy without a relationship and that is so true of me. I wish I were not like this but it seems to be a part of who I am instinctively.
All in all, this could have just a been a lack of communication and i jumped to conclusions but i guess time will tell. I still am going to ask him some things as far as values etc...to get a clue to see if we are on the same page as kate suggested.
We will be meeting for lunch later this week and i will slip in some more questions for sure! Its a new year and my resolution is to not waste time and energy on anyone that isn;t worth it!:0
A little cold towards him perhaps but i kept my composure. i wasn't my affectionate self but i wasn't a crab ass either. (no puns intended there)We were talking about how each others new year was and i nonchalantly asked him what his reasoning was that he couldn't come to my show. He said that he really doesn't like to come out in a public place and have to sit anywhere by himself. I said why didn't you tell me that?? I said he could have sat with people i knew that would be there.He did say he thinks holidays should be spent with those you care about, i guess that is as long as it is under the right circumstances.Then he told me he had to cut our dinner short because a friend was stopping by his place to visit unexpectantly. So I wasn't able to ask his thoughts to get an idea of where i am on his priority list.
I feel that I am definitely the one more attached to him than he is to me and i realize that I need to put this into some type of perspective where I am not revolving my world around him. Is that a pisces trait? I read that pisces aren't happy without a relationship and that is so true of me. I wish I were not like this but it seems to be a part of who I am instinctively.
All in all, this could have just a been a lack of communication and i jumped to conclusions but i guess time will tell. I still am going to ask him some things as far as values etc...to get a clue to see if we are on the same page as kate suggested.
We will be meeting for lunch later this week and i will slip in some more questions for sure! Its a new year and my resolution is to not waste time and energy on anyone that isn;t worth it!:0
sinder, you're right that you shouldn't invest time and energy into something that won't work out.. BUT, I think you shouldn't jump to quick conclusions. I mean if you've been with a person over 7 months and done pretty much everything a couple is supposed to do then it must be worth the time and effort you put in. If you're friend really didn't care for you and only thought of you as a fling, you wouldn't even be where you are now. Life is complicated business but it's really not harder than the choices you have to make everyday. Most of the time I think people are their own worst enemies and overcoming their own issues is the hardest. I guess what i'm trying to say is to not overthink/analyze things.. whats happened has happened and you can't undo it. All you can do is learn from it. Also, don't think that your friend cares about you less than you care about him.. sometimes we cancers just express ourselves in strange and incomprehensible ways. You can be sure though if you're cancer friend cooks for you then there are some pretty serious feelings involved. Keep in mind I'm not really speaking from experience.. I personally have never been with a pisces girl. Although from what I have seen in the few that i've met, you're really very wonderful creatures.
does he ever invite you out with his friends?
SRG- yea it is true, i am a little analyzer ....I try to analyze because i want to be logical. I mainly am intuitive about things like i am on a different plane. I know that sounds bizarre. I feel like i need to analyze in order to relate more logically with the people around me. i think, perhaps, as deeply as i feel things emotionally and intuitively, that i feel i must be deep in my logical thinking as well but you are not the only one to notice i may over analyze. I know that even if i over analyze in my head that i just need to disern and be more tactful in what i will let spill out across my lips
I think that he sensed I seemed a little distant with him last night and i feel like i might have hurt his feelings some. I don't intentionally want to do that to anyone. But I can't show my affections when my mind is troubled, in other words i can never fake it.
As far as this New Years occurance is concerned, maybe my expectations are a little high. I really care for this person, I want to be understanding. I just feel like I want respect and want to be desired the same as I respect and desire him. I feel like if you really want to be with someone, you find a way. I might just chalk this up as a misunderstanding since he said that he may have gone had he been able to hang out with someone at the show. I just didn't know that at the time since he never told me.
Thanks for the compliment by the way...........I feel i am a wonderful creature.!!!
Message posted by: menbay12
does he ever invite you out with his friends?
No.....He has never invited me out with his friends. I invited him out with mine for dinner and he declined because he said he had to do other things.
I think that he sensed I seemed a little distant with him last night and i feel like i might have hurt his feelings some. I don't intentionally want to do that to anyone. But I can't show my affections when my mind is troubled, in other words i can never fake it.
As far as this New Years occurance is concerned, maybe my expectations are a little high. I really care for this person, I want to be understanding. I just feel like I want respect and want to be desired the same as I respect and desire him. I feel like if you really want to be with someone, you find a way. I might just chalk this up as a misunderstanding since he said that he may have gone had he been able to hang out with someone at the show. I just didn't know that at the time since he never told me.
Thanks for the compliment by the way...........I feel i am a wonderful creature.
!!!Message posted by: menbay12
does he ever invite you out with his friends?
No.....He has never invited me out with his friends. I invited him out with mine for dinner and he declined because he said he had to do other things.
i am a cancer and i was married to one for 14yrs...little insite here...
take what you like and leave the rest....
1)cancers want what they feel they cannot have..ie challenges... mine played hard to get, and i had to marry him...
2)they like to have their "own lives" ...secrets make them tick ...
3)chances are pretty good he has a sweetie on the side. the reason he doesn't want you around his friends is he is hiding something he doesn't want you to find out.
you have been together 7 months?
take what you like and leave the rest....
1)cancers want what they feel they cannot have..ie challenges... mine played hard to get, and i had to marry him...
2)they like to have their "own lives" ...secrets make them tick ...
3)chances are pretty good he has a sweetie on the side. the reason he doesn't want you around his friends is he is hiding something he doesn't want you to find out.
you have been together 7 months?
maybe we should chat since we seem to be dating each others ex's..lol
menbay was your ex a june cancer?
SRG- yea it is true, i am a little analyzer ....I try to analyze because i want to be logical. I mainly am intuitive about things like i am on a different plane. I know that sounds bizarre. I feel like i need to analyze in order to relate more logically with the people around me. i think, perhaps, as deeply as i feel things emotionally and intuitively, that i feel i must be deep in my logical thinking as well but you are not the only one to notice i may over analyze. I know that even if i over analyze in my head that i just need to disern and be more tactful in what i will let spill out across my lips
I think that he sensed I seemed a little distant with him last night and i feel like i might have hurt his feelings some. I don't intentionally want to do that to anyone. But I can't show my affections when my mind is troubled, in other words i can never fake it.
As far as this New Years occurance is concerned, maybe my expectations are a little high. I really care for this person, I want to be understanding. I just feel like I want respect and want to be desired the same as I respect and desire him. I feel like if you really want to be with someone, you find a way. I might just chalk this up as a misunderstanding since he said that he may have gone had he been able to hang out with someone at the show. I just didn't know that at the time since he never told me.
Thanks for the compliment by the way...........I feel i am a wonderful creature.!!!
Message posted by: menbay12
does he ever invite you out with his friends?
No.....He has never invited me out with his friends. I invited him out with mine for dinner and he declined because he said he had to do other things.
I think that he sensed I seemed a little distant with him last night and i feel like i might have hurt his feelings some. I don't intentionally want to do that to anyone. But I can't show my affections when my mind is troubled, in other words i can never fake it.
As far as this New Years occurance is concerned, maybe my expectations are a little high. I really care for this person, I want to be understanding. I just feel like I want respect and want to be desired the same as I respect and desire him. I feel like if you really want to be with someone, you find a way. I might just chalk this up as a misunderstanding since he said that he may have gone had he been able to hang out with someone at the show. I just didn't know that at the time since he never told me.
Thanks for the compliment by the way...........I feel i am a wonderful creature.
!!!Message posted by: menbay12
does he ever invite you out with his friends?
No.....He has never invited me out with his friends. I invited him out with mine for dinner and he declined because he said he had to do other things.
Menbay12-----
1)cancers want what they feel they cannot have..ie challenges... mine played hard to get, and i had to marry him...
2)they like to have their "own lives" ...secrets make them tick ...
3)chances are pretty good he has a sweetie on the side. the reason he doesn't want you around his friends is he is hiding something he doesn't want you to find out.
you have been together 7 months?
Hey menbay12, I am not sure if he is playing hard to get or not. Sometimes i feel ignored though if he doesn't get back to me for a day. Then again i think that he just needs his space. It seems like he is two different people sometimes. As far as the secretive thing is concerned, he does seem evasive about things. i dont' know much about his background but i tell him all about mine. I want him to know me and understand me because i want a good communication between us so there are not misunderstandings and we spend more time enjoying each others company. I don't think he has someone on the side, but i guess he could possibly have time for another relationship but i know he is really busy and is always where he says he is. We have been hanging out for 7 months but we only have time to spend with each other a few times each month.
1)cancers want what they feel they cannot have..ie challenges... mine played hard to get, and i had to marry him...
2)they like to have their "own lives" ...secrets make them tick ...
3)chances are pretty good he has a sweetie on the side. the reason he doesn't want you around his friends is he is hiding something he doesn't want you to find out.
you have been together 7 months?
Hey menbay12, I am not sure if he is playing hard to get or not. Sometimes i feel ignored though if he doesn't get back to me for a day. Then again i think that he just needs his space. It seems like he is two different people sometimes. As far as the secretive thing is concerned, he does seem evasive about things. i dont' know much about his background but i tell him all about mine. I want him to know me and understand me because i want a good communication between us so there are not misunderstandings and we spend more time enjoying each others company. I don't think he has someone on the side, but i guess he could possibly have time for another relationship but i know he is really busy and is always where he says he is. We have been hanging out for 7 months but we only have time to spend with each other a few times each month.
mellow..nope a july 16th cancer...
snider...i hate to tell you this, but i am suspecting you maybe the "other sweetie"....
how are your sherlock skills?
my guess is...
he is very involved in his work...perhaps medical or civil service of some type...
he didn't invite you to his work christmas party..telling you he either did not have one or it was for employees only or he wasn't going..
last relationship...either it was a marriage and he is divorced..or she died, or something showing commitment on his part, but... (might not get a straight answer on why it ended)
has a best friend that is single and takes a lot of his time..ie guys night out..we are going on such and such trip..probably works together..
am i warm?
snider...i hate to tell you this, but i am suspecting you maybe the "other sweetie"....
how are your sherlock skills?
my guess is...
he is very involved in his work...perhaps medical or civil service of some type...
he didn't invite you to his work christmas party..telling you he either did not have one or it was for employees only or he wasn't going..
last relationship...either it was a marriage and he is divorced..or she died, or something showing commitment on his part, but... (might not get a straight answer on why it ended)
has a best friend that is single and takes a lot of his time..ie guys night out..we are going on such and such trip..probably works together..
am i warm?
snider...i hate to tell you this, but i am suspecting you maybe the "other sweetie"....
how are your sherlock skills?
MENBAY12 wrote......
my guess is...
he is very involved in his work...
A) HE IS VERY INVOLVED AT WORK, PUTS IN LOTS OF OVERTIME
he didn't invite you to his work christmas party..
A)I WASNT INVITED TO CHRISTMAS PARTY, HE SAID THEY DIDN'T HAVE ONE
last relationship...either it was a marriage and he is divorced..or she died, or something showing commitment on his part, but... (might not get a straight answer on why it ended)
A) NONE OF THE ABOVE ON THIS ONE, ACTUALLY THE LAST RELATIONSHIP WANTED HIM TO MAKE A COMMITMENT AND HE RAN OFF
has a best friend that is single and takes a lot of his time..ie guys night out..we are going on such and such trip..probably works together..
A) NO HE DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT SINGLE FRIENDS, KNOWS LOTS THAT ARE MARRIED THOUGH
how are your sherlock skills?
MENBAY12 wrote......
my guess is...
he is very involved in his work...
A) HE IS VERY INVOLVED AT WORK, PUTS IN LOTS OF OVERTIME
he didn't invite you to his work christmas party..
A)I WASNT INVITED TO CHRISTMAS PARTY, HE SAID THEY DIDN'T HAVE ONE
last relationship...either it was a marriage and he is divorced..or she died, or something showing commitment on his part, but... (might not get a straight answer on why it ended)
A) NONE OF THE ABOVE ON THIS ONE, ACTUALLY THE LAST RELATIONSHIP WANTED HIM TO MAKE A COMMITMENT AND HE RAN OFF
has a best friend that is single and takes a lot of his time..ie guys night out..we are going on such and such trip..probably works together..
A) NO HE DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT SINGLE FRIENDS, KNOWS LOTS THAT ARE MARRIED THOUGH
do you goto his house or does he come to yours?
Both, mainly his though..........
well, my cancer pal always told me he never makes plans, he makes plans spur of the moment, whatever he feels like doing.
i used to always egt mad at this, but now i realize, i dont wnat to be iwth him if he is not in the mood to see me, becuase it would just be a miserable time.
i used to always press the issue, and kind of make him come, or ask why he woudlnt come, or get all upset..... i still do this occasionally ( i cnat help it), but once i hear the tones of our voices change... i quickly drop it, cuz i kno its going to head towards an argument.
and yes, he tends to say things without thinking.... that whole kiss another person comment was just to show u, that at that moment, he doenst care what u do, jus leave him alone, kind of deal.
i used to always egt mad at this, but now i realize, i dont wnat to be iwth him if he is not in the mood to see me, becuase it would just be a miserable time.
i used to always press the issue, and kind of make him come, or ask why he woudlnt come, or get all upset..... i still do this occasionally ( i cnat help it), but once i hear the tones of our voices change... i quickly drop it, cuz i kno its going to head towards an argument.
and yes, he tends to say things without thinking.... that whole kiss another person comment was just to show u, that at that moment, he doenst care what u do, jus leave him alone, kind of deal.
oh yeah, and he probably also has a sweetie on the side.
Hey sinder, I wont try to figure out the cancer man if I were! Just go with the flow save yourself!! They are very emotional men and run hot and cold sometimes. You have gotten some great advice so far. Read what my cancer man did to me for the holidays and we have been together for 5 years. He has been calling and leaving all these emotionally draining messages since this happened the begging has started!!. I would just enjoy the good times and not think to much about what he is doing before you drive yourself crazy! Take my advice you wont even know when you start to act pychotic and trying to be an investigator would not help!!!! Save your self and enjoy the times you spend together, make the best of it. you would not be able to figure out these men, to much mood swings!!! Good luck to you.
Lil.ladie.taurus - he told me that he does do things so erratic and spur of the moment that he surprises himself sometimes. if that is a quirk, what can i do?
i am catching on about the thing of pressing an issue if he wants to be alone....when he says i will get back to you depending on how i feel, i used to take it personally, perhaps, he is really saying, i am upset at you or something else, i am having a bad day or whatever and i need to chill or i will take it out on you...i am beginning to think this is the way they think. it is weird though, because sometimes he won't get back to me for a day or two or three. he will say things like i will call you, i;ll get back to you depending on how i feel........
i am catching on about the thing of pressing an issue if he wants to be alone....when he says i will get back to you depending on how i feel, i used to take it personally, perhaps, he is really saying, i am upset at you or something else, i am having a bad day or whatever and i need to chill or i will take it out on you...i am beginning to think this is the way they think. it is weird though, because sometimes he won't get back to me for a day or two or three. he will say things like i will call you, i;ll get back to you depending on how i feel........
geminiqueen- gosh i read your thread about the guy you have been with. more than anything, it seems like he is an alcoholic. that clouds over any type of sign personality to me.
You may have a point he is a rich alcoholic!!! lol I never had to pay for any dinner, trips or anything over the past 5 years he showered me with jewelry and gifts!!! trying to figure out the cancer man and his mood swings will take you more than a life time!! The are very intense lovers and when they love you they will hang on. If you are 7 months into this and you feel like this so early into the relationship its not going to get better. Again good luck to you!!!
geminiqueen, you are scaring me!! i am trying to get as much info to understand this man because i see so much good and i connect emotionally so well. i am not naive though, thats why i am on this forum to get some first hand experience from you all! The guy i am with is not rich, he doesn't shower me with stuff (wish he did sometimes) but he does very nice things. almost in a motherly way, if that makes any sense.
i am trying to get as much info to understand this man because i see so much good and i connect emotionally so well. i am not naive though, thats why i am on this forum to get some first hand experience from you all! The guy i am with is not rich, he doesn't shower me with stuff (wish he did sometimes) but he does very nice things. almost in a motherly way, if that makes any sense."Message posted by: menbay12 on 1/2/2007 6:38:17 AM ip: xxx.xxx.xxx.14
i am a cancer and i was married to one for 14yrs...little insite here...
take what you like and leave the rest....
1)cancers want what they feel they cannot have..ie challenges... mine played hard to get, and i had to marry him...
2)they like to have their "own lives" ...secrets make them tick ...
3)chances are pretty good he has a sweetie on the side. the reason he doesn't want you around his friends is he is hiding something he doesn't want you to find out "
Could you elaborate what kind of secrets?
i am a cancer and i was married to one for 14yrs...little insite here...
take what you like and leave the rest....
1)cancers want what they feel they cannot have..ie challenges... mine played hard to get, and i had to marry him...
2)they like to have their "own lives" ...secrets make them tick ...
3)chances are pretty good he has a sweetie on the side. the reason he doesn't want you around his friends is he is hiding something he doesn't want you to find out "
Could you elaborate what kind of secrets?
The cancerman I'm seeing at the moment has been pretty much non communicative with me since he stayed over with me last week. Told me about 2 months back that he doesn't like to call or talk during work which is fair enough with me, I can understand if he needs to focus completely on his job at work. The thing is thoguh that when he was "wooing" me he would text me any time of the day including a few while he was at work and it felt totally natural.
But since I responded to his advances shall we say and realised that I liked him very much, he has backed off as far as I can see. I would ask him why he kept calling me and texting me when I was playing it so cool and he said it was because he found me a very interesting person. Now it seems I interest him less than anyone else because he doesn't contact me and seems mildly distracted when I call him once in the evening.
We were in a local bar last week and he asked me to hold his coat while he went for a smoke. I decided to go out to him after a few mins as I was just by myself otherwise and I found him talking to a woman, blonde hair, looking good, closer to his age actually, and standing by herself. I was slightly sick in my stomach and I felt sure that my smiling demeanour could not conceal how insecure I felt.
Yesterday evening after not hearing from him for the whole day, I called him at around 9pm to say hi and how was his day and that's about it really. He, as is usual now, was perfunctory with me and so the conversation ended after about 4 minutes. Before he hung up he asked me would he call me the next morning which he has been doing as a wake up call. I said yes ok but after I hung up I decided that I just don't want to talk to him for a while so I called him back and said that I have been feeling a bit strange lately and that I would prefer to not talk to him at all until after the weekend. To this he also responded dismissively and this conversaton ended after 2 minutes!
I called my sag guy friend later on and asked him what he would interpret from cancerman's behavior. He said that it could be a number of things but he suggested that I write out a list of pros and cons of being with my cancerman. When I think I've gotten them all down see which list is longer. Then when I am speaking to the guy again, bring up say the two most pertinant points and discuss them with him, of course when I am calm, cool and chilled.
But since I responded to his advances shall we say and realised that I liked him very much, he has backed off as far as I can see. I would ask him why he kept calling me and texting me when I was playing it so cool and he said it was because he found me a very interesting person. Now it seems I interest him less than anyone else because he doesn't contact me and seems mildly distracted when I call him once in the evening.
We were in a local bar last week and he asked me to hold his coat while he went for a smoke. I decided to go out to him after a few mins as I was just by myself otherwise and I found him talking to a woman, blonde hair, looking good, closer to his age actually, and standing by herself. I was slightly sick in my stomach and I felt sure that my smiling demeanour could not conceal how insecure I felt.
Yesterday evening after not hearing from him for the whole day, I called him at around 9pm to say hi and how was his day and that's about it really. He, as is usual now, was perfunctory with me and so the conversation ended after about 4 minutes. Before he hung up he asked me would he call me the next morning which he has been doing as a wake up call. I said yes ok but after I hung up I decided that I just don't want to talk to him for a while so I called him back and said that I have been feeling a bit strange lately and that I would prefer to not talk to him at all until after the weekend. To this he also responded dismissively and this conversaton ended after 2 minutes!
I called my sag guy friend later on and asked him what he would interpret from cancerman's behavior. He said that it could be a number of things but he suggested that I write out a list of pros and cons of being with my cancerman. When I think I've gotten them all down see which list is longer. Then when I am speaking to the guy again, bring up say the two most pertinant points and discuss them with him, of course when I am calm, cool and chilled.
Although it seemed like a fairly simple idea, it was an effective one because as I was talking to me friend I wasn't assessing things or putting them in any order, I was just taken aback my cancerman's apparent lack of interest in talking with me.
I haven't written the list yet. Things are still floating around in my head. Some the things I am thinking are:
A If I am going to be in a loving relationship with a man then I shouldn't feel upset and ignored like this. I should also feel like he is the first person I want to talk to about things and not the last.
B It is better to be by yourself than to be with someone who is lowering your confidence and anyway making you feel alone when you are with him.
C I want to ask him how he classifies our relationship. Like does he regard it as an open relationship where he feels free to see and sleep with other women and is fine about me doing this. I wonder about this one because we are affectionate when we are together and the sex is loving and affectionate too. I guess this has subconsciously made me focus on him as if he is "my man" without it ever being formalized (are these things usually formalied??) and so I notice that I have started putting him before my other friends in terms of socializing and spending time in the company of others. I need to make sure I don't do this any more and honour engagements I have with my friends even if cancerman decides he's ready to see me that night.
I also want to feel no guilt about seeing other men and hanging out with them if I happen to meet someone and it goes some place. Now this is something I don't feel right about doing if I am with someone and as Eaglegirl I think was saying, being a "Moralist" doesn't work with cancers. Perhas it is good for me to loosen up my morals in this area because 1) it's otherwise making me pin all my discontentment and resentents on the cancerman and 2) I can be sociable and enjoy other people's company and 3) it might make me and cancerguy see a bit more clearly whether we really do want to be together or not.
Part C is the big challenge for me. I want to see that I can convey this point to him effectively without any emotional crossfire.
Any thoughts?
I haven't written the list yet. Things are still floating around in my head. Some the things I am thinking are:
A If I am going to be in a loving relationship with a man then I shouldn't feel upset and ignored like this. I should also feel like he is the first person I want to talk to about things and not the last.
B It is better to be by yourself than to be with someone who is lowering your confidence and anyway making you feel alone when you are with him.
C I want to ask him how he classifies our relationship. Like does he regard it as an open relationship where he feels free to see and sleep with other women and is fine about me doing this. I wonder about this one because we are affectionate when we are together and the sex is loving and affectionate too. I guess this has subconsciously made me focus on him as if he is "my man" without it ever being formalized (are these things usually formalied??) and so I notice that I have started putting him before my other friends in terms of socializing and spending time in the company of others. I need to make sure I don't do this any more and honour engagements I have with my friends even if cancerman decides he's ready to see me that night.
I also want to feel no guilt about seeing other men and hanging out with them if I happen to meet someone and it goes some place. Now this is something I don't feel right about doing if I am with someone and as Eaglegirl I think was saying, being a "Moralist" doesn't work with cancers. Perhas it is good for me to loosen up my morals in this area because 1) it's otherwise making me pin all my discontentment and resentents on the cancerman and 2) I can be sociable and enjoy other people's company and 3) it might make me and cancerguy see a bit more clearly whether we really do want to be together or not.
Part C is the big challenge for me. I want to see that I can convey this point to him effectively without any emotional crossfire.
Any thoughts?
Mellow Dee, is he being cold to you on an intimate level as well or just regarding his work and phone/text conversations?
No when were are making love he is very sweet and says lovely things to me and it is like he transforms into a very gentle man while we are in bed. But out of bed he is reserved and almost harshly cold. In that he is very critical of the things I do, and I being an aquarian, am unconventional in trivial everyday things sometimes and so am more open to criticism or cross questioning I guess. I have asked him not to criticize me like this and he says he is just winding me up and that he's only joking.
I am coming to the conclusion that you have to take a step back from this type of guy and look at for what it is. I think actions speak louder than words. And also how they say you spend your time where your passions lie...well if he is not spending the time with the person he supposedly cares for then then what is most important to him. If other priorities are more important on his list then i think place him in the same slot on your priority list. You can't treat a person number one and not have the same in return. when there is imbalance in anything we do in life then there is a problem.
the thing is, if you try to communicate the problem and resolve it and they don't want to try, then what can we do? the silence and distance will eventually disolve the relationship. I understand the confusion of being with this personality type, though i truely do not understand what makes them tick. I am trying my damnest as you are Mellow Dee but in the end i think that putting yourself number one is the most important thing of all.
the thing is, if you try to communicate the problem and resolve it and they don't want to try, then what can we do? the silence and distance will eventually disolve the relationship. I understand the confusion of being with this personality type, though i truely do not understand what makes them tick. I am trying my damnest as you are Mellow Dee but in the end i think that putting yourself number one is the most important thing of all.
Yes I agree with you there sinder. Perhaps his emotions are strong and he is pulled here and there by them. I don't know. I can't tell for sure. He's at the gemini end of cancer - almost at the cusp - so I would have thought this makes him less emotionally driven if anything than the typical Alpha Cancer (!!). He told me he is very sensitive the night he said he loved me. "Perhaps too sensitive" is what he said. But then things lapsed back to being strained and reserved with a quick disintersted 5 minute telephone conversation every evening.
But yes all in all we're number one priority for ourselves and we are the only people who can make sure that this balance is always kept.
But yes all in all we're number one priority for ourselves and we are the only people who can make sure that this balance is always kept.
Another thing I'm thinking...on the subect of game playing. I mean you can look at romance as a game, where you can play fair or be a cheater. So in that sense we're all playing the game but if you're going to hurt someone by misleading actions it well then that's just bad game play and these players should be relegated to the side lines. If only there were a referee in the Game of Love....!
All i know is that him being hot and cold, whether it is intentional or not. It will begin to wear away the closeness i feel towards him. I will being seeing him again soon and i am just going to pretty much do the list thing. bring up things that are important to me in a relationship. ask how he feels about certain things etc...if he wants to be shy, play hard to get, avoid the questions or whatever, i am just going to take what all i get from him and decide from there. I feel like he deeply cares for me but he has hangups or concerns that i need to understand. whether this is a new experience or he is afraid closeness will take away from his freedom or if he just has cold feet about taking it to the next level, whatever it is, i just need to have a clue. because like i said, i am making myself a priority, i need to do what it best for me in the long haul. sacrifice happens sometime in relationships, but like i said earlier, if things aren't a two way street then there is imbalance and problems...
me2u4ever-really any kind of secret..depends on who were are with really. stupid as it sounds, if you are secretive with us, we see that as all gloves are off. I do not know if it is an inherent desire to feel "one up" or "not to look like a fool" or what it is really.. there is also a need to have things that are "just for us", something that has nothing to do with the other person. I am in a relationship now with a pisces. we have very strong communication skills and i really trust him (something new for me). I do not feel the need to have secrets from him, but with him instead.
mellow & sinder...no one can tell you what you should do, you have to deside that for yourself..but I think it is absolutly insulting (to you) that your guys have the "i will do something with you until something better comes along" attitude...what the? crabs do not play hard to get (for the most part)- they WANT someone that does..we want something we feel we cannot have...these guys playing the "i have something better to do" card is just rude..nothing would make them run faster to you, then if you played that card yourselves...who wants to play these games?
mellow & sinder...no one can tell you what you should do, you have to deside that for yourself..but I think it is absolutly insulting (to you) that your guys have the "i will do something with you until something better comes along" attitude...what the? crabs do not play hard to get (for the most part)- they WANT someone that does..we want something we feel we cannot have...these guys playing the "i have something better to do" card is just rude..nothing would make them run faster to you, then if you played that card yourselves...who wants to play these games?
Thanks for your input me24ever.................
So your saying that us fish have to swim off in the deep ocean and disappear every now and again to keep the crab on his toes?
Well, not being direct and honest and playing these kind of games is really not my thing but i can do it to see if it can make a difference in our relationship. I always hear about the playing hard to get thing and I just feel like people should go beyond that crap and get to the point because all the game playing to me is such a waste of time. But if this will stimulate my crab so i can see where his head is at i will try it. As always, suggestions appreciated in the ways of Crab-ology, new subject for me that is for sure!
So your saying that us fish have to swim off in the deep ocean and disappear every now and again to keep the crab on his toes?
Well, not being direct and honest and playing these kind of games is really not my thing but i can do it to see if it can make a difference in our relationship. I always hear about the playing hard to get thing and I just feel like people should go beyond that crap and get to the point because all the game playing to me is such a waste of time. But if this will stimulate my crab so i can see where his head is at i will try it. As always, suggestions appreciated in the ways of Crab-ology, new subject for me that is for sure!
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