Cap guy hurt from the past, what do I do now?
This topic was created in the Capricorn forum by Ang on Wednesday, September 25, 2013 and has 16 replies.
This is a new topic which I previously had another page about. Long story short, I met this Cap guy and it took a while for us to start seeing each other. It has been 2 months since we have been spending every weekend together and some weekday nights too. He's busy and has a social life, I am getting busy because I am starting grad school this fall so we did not spend 100% of every weekend together but we try and spend most of the time that we can together since August.
Some background on him- he had 2 long term relationships, 2 years and 8 years. He says he is mentally broken in many ways because of the 8 year relationship. He's hurt by the fact that although the break up was mutual, he did spend so much time and effort and during the 8 years he and his ex were fully commited to each other (perhaps spent too much time together). He says he lost friends who used to hang out with him before the break up, he had to move from LA to SF for school and the break up happened two years after the move but before that he was driving 6 hours to see his ex every other week (lots of commitment since i had done similar before). He says he is mentally numb and dead on the inside because he doesn't feel anything any more. Even when we are together he often seems less than excited but he has said to me that his happiness should not be my responsibility (because he thinks he has bipolar disorder)and that being with me feels good so he knows he must like me.
The things that make me cringe that he does:
mentions past relationships often, long term and short term (in fact this made me snap at him which led to this mess now)
He has told me about how no other girls can seem to understand how weird he is and he feels that he can be himself when with me. It took him a while to decide if he wants us to be serious and he did say many times that he wants to give this a try and see where it goes. HE said because he seems potential in us and would be a shame to not give this a chance. Although we have both been spending time together and both been showing interest in each other's life ie work, friends, etc...we haven't officially talked about having an official title (ie no bf gf talk yet)
Here are some of the things that he has said and done with me which make me think that he is sincere when he says he wants to give us a chance:
he offered to go apartment hunting with me and even go check out places for me (after learning I have a long commute to new job)
he of
Some background on him- he had 2 long term relationships, 2 years and 8 years. He says he is mentally broken in many ways because of the 8 year relationship. He's hurt by the fact that although the break up was mutual, he did spend so much time and effort and during the 8 years he and his ex were fully commited to each other (perhaps spent too much time together). He says he lost friends who used to hang out with him before the break up, he had to move from LA to SF for school and the break up happened two years after the move but before that he was driving 6 hours to see his ex every other week (lots of commitment since i had done similar before). He says he is mentally numb and dead on the inside because he doesn't feel anything any more. Even when we are together he often seems less than excited but he has said to me that his happiness should not be my responsibility (because he thinks he has bipolar disorder)and that being with me feels good so he knows he must like me.
The things that make me cringe that he does:
mentions past relationships often, long term and short term (in fact this made me snap at him which led to this mess now)
He has told me about how no other girls can seem to understand how weird he is and he feels that he can be himself when with me. It took him a while to decide if he wants us to be serious and he did say many times that he wants to give this a try and see where it goes. HE said because he seems potential in us and would be a shame to not give this a chance. Although we have both been spending time together and both been showing interest in each other's life ie work, friends, etc...we haven't officially talked about having an official title (ie no bf gf talk yet)
Here are some of the things that he has said and done with me which make me think that he is sincere when he says he wants to give us a chance:
he offered to go apartment hunting with me and even go check out places for me (after learning I have a long commute to new job)
he of
he offered to go to dinner with me for my sister's engagement celebration
he offered to meet my friends in LA after knowing we were both going to LA at the same weekend
he asks about how i'm doing with my sister's fiance after knowing the fiance and I had some type of conflict couple weeks ago
he sent me a song (has been since we met)just on Monday or Wednesday which he initially did more of when we first met but i think it means he thinks about me...
weekend of 9/20 we were both going to LA. The trip was planned separately I was going to visit college friends and he went to visit family. BEfore last wed we talked about hanging out in LA and he even said he would like to drive by his house to show me where he grew up in. However, on Wed when he came over, after ER, after I told him I didn't like that he would always talk about his other relationships in the past, he told me he's probably not the righ tperson for me, he said he can't give me what I want and he's not sure if by the time he's over his past trauma he will still want to be with me (one of my concern was he might want to go back to playing the field) I told him I felt something real with him and we should not give up on it now.
He then said we will talk more after LA trip. So o Friday when I texted him to confirm a lunch with my LA friends which he had offered to come, I told him to text me when he wakes up on Sat. Sat came ad I did not get any msg from him until half way through the lunch I asked if he was still interested in going to lunch. HE said his mom cooked so he had to stay home for lunch but is free to hang out later. We met up at night but he was still sick and weak from his digestion issue which made him go to the ER on Wed last week. He made an effort to see me on Saturday although he was distracted and was texting on the phone a lot. I don't blame him bc he said it was his good friend who he hangs out with often whenever he would go back. Then we started talking about more serious stuff when we went to a bar. He held my hand for a brief moment as we walked across the street, but overall he kept physical contact to minimum. After we sobered up he offered to take me to his spot. I had asked him before if he had any spots that he would go just by himself to spend time alone. He showed me the LA spot and we then fell asleep in the car since it was 2am. He was still sick and weak from what brought him to the ER on wed but we woke up at 3 and he said he was gonna take me h
he offered to meet my friends in LA after knowing we were both going to LA at the same weekend
he asks about how i'm doing with my sister's fiance after knowing the fiance and I had some type of conflict couple weeks ago
he sent me a song (has been since we met)just on Monday or Wednesday which he initially did more of when we first met but i think it means he thinks about me...
weekend of 9/20 we were both going to LA. The trip was planned separately I was going to visit college friends and he went to visit family. BEfore last wed we talked about hanging out in LA and he even said he would like to drive by his house to show me where he grew up in. However, on Wed when he came over, after ER, after I told him I didn't like that he would always talk about his other relationships in the past, he told me he's probably not the righ tperson for me, he said he can't give me what I want and he's not sure if by the time he's over his past trauma he will still want to be with me (one of my concern was he might want to go back to playing the field) I told him I felt something real with him and we should not give up on it now.
He then said we will talk more after LA trip. So o Friday when I texted him to confirm a lunch with my LA friends which he had offered to come, I told him to text me when he wakes up on Sat. Sat came ad I did not get any msg from him until half way through the lunch I asked if he was still interested in going to lunch. HE said his mom cooked so he had to stay home for lunch but is free to hang out later. We met up at night but he was still sick and weak from his digestion issue which made him go to the ER on Wed last week. He made an effort to see me on Saturday although he was distracted and was texting on the phone a lot. I don't blame him bc he said it was his good friend who he hangs out with often whenever he would go back. Then we started talking about more serious stuff when we went to a bar. He held my hand for a brief moment as we walked across the street, but overall he kept physical contact to minimum. After we sobered up he offered to take me to his spot. I had asked him before if he had any spots that he would go just by himself to spend time alone. He showed me the LA spot and we then fell asleep in the car since it was 2am. He was still sick and weak from what brought him to the ER on wed but we woke up at 3 and he said he was gonna take me h
he said he was gonna take me home. I said since we are so close to ur house can we just drive by like he said he would show me. He then got really upset and said if I insisted on going then we would never hang out again.
He had said many times to me that he thinks he is bipolar. He said he didn't think his house is real and that he feels dead on the inside, he would say things like he doesn't care about a lot of things because he doesn't feel anything. Couple weeks ago when I brought up how I felt like he was indifferent whether I was in his life or not, at gust time he said he doesn't feel a lot of things but my presence felt good. But on Saturday night he said he doesn't feel anything anymore and that he feels there's no difference between me and this other girl he started seeing about a month ago.
He knows he will still want to meet other ppl. He perhaps does it just to feel something new because he has a hard time feeling things. He said he would cheat on me and I should leave before I get hurt. But I told him it's not cheating because we were never official. I had asked him if he's ok with me hanging with other guys at the same time he said it's ok bc we r not exclusive.
I know this may sound crazy but compared with the other guys out there who are also dating multiple girls at a time, I felt that he's at least honest enough to tell me. He said he hasn't had sex with the other girl yet but I don't know how involved they are. He said he would need to stop seeing the other girl too for the same reason- that he is unable to love anyone because he can't love himself. I feel like he is just in a downward spiral and maybe he really is bipolar and just so happens to be stuck in the dark side for now. And I think he probably goes through this often where he would get overwhelmed by negative emotions so much to the point where he doesn't think he is capable of being serious when just two weeks ago he said he was willing to try. I jut can't believe that he was faking everything for 2 months straight considering how much time and the type of conversations we've had.
Sorry for the long post but anything helps. Thank you!
He had said many times to me that he thinks he is bipolar. He said he didn't think his house is real and that he feels dead on the inside, he would say things like he doesn't care about a lot of things because he doesn't feel anything. Couple weeks ago when I brought up how I felt like he was indifferent whether I was in his life or not, at gust time he said he doesn't feel a lot of things but my presence felt good. But on Saturday night he said he doesn't feel anything anymore and that he feels there's no difference between me and this other girl he started seeing about a month ago.
He knows he will still want to meet other ppl. He perhaps does it just to feel something new because he has a hard time feeling things. He said he would cheat on me and I should leave before I get hurt. But I told him it's not cheating because we were never official. I had asked him if he's ok with me hanging with other guys at the same time he said it's ok bc we r not exclusive.
I know this may sound crazy but compared with the other guys out there who are also dating multiple girls at a time, I felt that he's at least honest enough to tell me. He said he hasn't had sex with the other girl yet but I don't know how involved they are. He said he would need to stop seeing the other girl too for the same reason- that he is unable to love anyone because he can't love himself. I feel like he is just in a downward spiral and maybe he really is bipolar and just so happens to be stuck in the dark side for now. And I think he probably goes through this often where he would get overwhelmed by negative emotions so much to the point where he doesn't think he is capable of being serious when just two weeks ago he said he was willing to try. I jut can't believe that he was faking everything for 2 months straight considering how much time and the type of conversations we've had.
Sorry for the long post but anything helps. Thank you!
It's a good point from Stillwater. He's being very honest and direct in that statement about where he is in his life.
What is it going to be like if I still want to see him? Does he want to see me at all?
I don't think dating more than one person is a sin as it is the norm nowadays. I'm just more used to the traditional dating. Can someone tell me how to approach this?
I want to try this with him and I know he's coming back from LA today. We haven't been in touch since Sunday when he texted me and said have a safe drive home. Should I text him today just to see when he's going to be home?
Been trying to give him space and not text him. We never finished talking on sat night. He was too sick to drive home so he actually crashed at my friends place. Sunday morning I invited him to lunch with my friends and he went. Seemed to be in a sightly better mood and gave me a hug and said see you back in nor cal.
I want to try this with him and I know he's coming back from LA today. We haven't been in touch since Sunday when he texted me and said have a safe drive home. Should I text him today just to see when he's going to be home?
Been trying to give him space and not text him. We never finished talking on sat night. He was too sick to drive home so he actually crashed at my friends place. Sunday morning I invited him to lunch with my friends and he went. Seemed to be in a sightly better mood and gave me a hug and said see you back in nor cal.
Posted by Ang
I don't think dating more than one person is a sin as it is the norm nowadays. I'm just more used to the traditional dating. Can someone tell me how to approach this?
I want to try this with him and I know he's coming back from LA today. We haven't been in touch since Sunday when he texted me and said have a safe drive home. Should I text him today just to see when he's going to be home?
Been trying to give him space and not text him. We never finished talking on sat night. He was too sick to drive home so he actually crashed at my friends place. Sunday morning I invited him to lunch with my friends and he went. Seemed to be in a sightly better mood and gave me a hug and said see you back in nor cal.
My Bay Area People! Native Bay Area person here on the East Coast.
Like the two above statements, he is being extremely honest with you couldn't ask for anything more than that. It sounds like he is going through quite a bit and has a lot going on right now but maybe just continue to be his friend like you are doing and let things happen if they may. No rush, no pressure. Things easy and be there like you have been, allow him to come to you also. I don't know if you should text him today or maybe wait to see if he will let you know when he is arrived back home. It would seem to me that he would contact you when he gets back. What do you think?Hi there Bay Area friend!!
He did say see you back in not cal so I hope he does initiate contact. I told him I will be his friend at the very least and I will be there for him as I think he is stuck in a psychological/emotional downward spiral.
I read on many threads that when caps need space just give them space but remind then that you're around so I thought I would ask if he got home ok. Or do you think I should let him come to me first? I am trying to not give any pressure
He did say see you back in not cal so I hope he does initiate contact. I told him I will be his friend at the very least and I will be there for him as I think he is stuck in a psychological/emotional downward spiral.
I read on many threads that when caps need space just give them space but remind then that you're around so I thought I would ask if he got home ok. Or do you think I should let him come to me first? I am trying to not give any pressure
Posted by Ang
Hi there Bay Area friend!!
He did say see you back in not cal so I hope he does initiate contact. I told him I will be his friend at the very least and I will be there for him as I think he is stuck in a psychological/emotional downward spiral.
I read on many threads that when caps need space just give them space but remind then that you're around so I thought I would ask if he got home ok. Or do you think I should let him come to me first? I am trying to not give any pressure
We Caps do need space but we don't require an enormous amount like Taurus' do. So I would give him his space and let him come back to you. and if he's driving, well you know that is a long drive right there so give him time to catch up on sleep and whatever he needs to do and he will contact you. Reach out to him sometime over the weekend. Keep yourself busy until then.
He just texted me and asked about my dog who's sick. How should I keep the conversation going? I want to see him...
Tell him how your dog is doing then either ask him a question about something he's interested in and may open up about, then flirt gently 
Mentioning past relationships may indicate that he needs to recover, so move slowly and remember some of his reactions may have nothing to do with you.
I told him how my dog is doing and asked if he's back in SF yesterday at 6pm. I have not gotten any reply from from and it's 5am the next morning.
I know he checks his phone often so I am really sad that he is not responding. Especially to such a neutral harmless question.
We kind of left the conversation in the middle last time we talked about serious stuff because he was too sick and it was too late we were both really tired. Maybe he doesn't know how to approach me now if he's thinking I am not ok with being in an unofficial/not exclusive relationship with him?
Or perhaps he just lost his feelings completely in a matter of 3 days and does not care that I still want to be friends? He also did say he will not shut me out and will NOT not talk to me on the Thursday before we went to LA for the weekend (before he told me he met another girl a month ago).
Did I mention I found out he has a ok cupid account that he uses (found out on Monday) then he all of a sudden deleted it yesterday afternoon. I mean many people have that but I was surprised that it is deactivated/deleted now that he is getting rid of me. He also just deleted all of his timeline post on fb- or perhaps he only did it to me? but if he is going through all the trouble blocking everything just from me why not just unfriend me?
Don't people say Caps have emotions that are hidden very well and run deep, if I was getting two months straight of sincere discussion on feelings and how serious we want to be with each other and we were spending a lot of time together, can he really just decide to cut all ties with me? Was that text about my dog just because he was curious and felt bad that we haven't talked for two days?
I am holding off on sending another text until he replies but I really do want to talk to him. I feel like the more time goes by without us having a clear idea of what is going on with us, the more likely that he will want to hang out with other girls- or do you think he is also bothered by this like I am and just wants to be alone? Do Caps use other people to distract them?
I know he checks his phone often so I am really sad that he is not responding. Especially to such a neutral harmless question.
We kind of left the conversation in the middle last time we talked about serious stuff because he was too sick and it was too late we were both really tired. Maybe he doesn't know how to approach me now if he's thinking I am not ok with being in an unofficial/not exclusive relationship with him?
Or perhaps he just lost his feelings completely in a matter of 3 days and does not care that I still want to be friends? He also did say he will not shut me out and will NOT not talk to me on the Thursday before we went to LA for the weekend (before he told me he met another girl a month ago).
Did I mention I found out he has a ok cupid account that he uses (found out on Monday) then he all of a sudden deleted it yesterday afternoon. I mean many people have that but I was surprised that it is deactivated/deleted now that he is getting rid of me. He also just deleted all of his timeline post on fb- or perhaps he only did it to me? but if he is going through all the trouble blocking everything just from me why not just unfriend me?
Don't people say Caps have emotions that are hidden very well and run deep, if I was getting two months straight of sincere discussion on feelings and how serious we want to be with each other and we were spending a lot of time together, can he really just decide to cut all ties with me? Was that text about my dog just because he was curious and felt bad that we haven't talked for two days?
I am holding off on sending another text until he replies but I really do want to talk to him. I feel like the more time goes by without us having a clear idea of what is going on with us, the more likely that he will want to hang out with other girls- or do you think he is also bothered by this like I am and just wants to be alone? Do Caps use other people to distract them?
I'd hold off on a text til he responds. Giving Caps time and space to adjust, seems wise. I usually feel better after a period of time to adjust to change. It's possible he doesn't want to give up familiar habits and routines. Perhaps, he's not ready to give up dating but is considering the possibility. Most likely he wants to see how you react, and is testing to see whether or not your reactions are comfortable. Best advice I can muster is keep a hold of yourself, stay personally stable, and don't bring emotional reactions to him.
Thank you everyone for the input. I am going to hold tight and stay busy until he texts. If he does that is.
I am however very intrigued by caps. Can someone share some thoughts on my questions?
Don't people say Caps have emotions that are hidden very well and run deep, if I was getting two months straight of sincere discussion on feelings and how serious we want to be with each other and we were spending a lot of time together, can he really just decide to cut all ties with me?
Was that text about my dog just because he was curious and felt bad that we haven't talked for two days?
do you think he is also bothered by the fact that I want something exclusive with him and he doesn't? Or at least that was the impression I've given him. I have changed my mind now but u want to let him know.
I am however very intrigued by caps. Can someone share some thoughts on my questions?
Don't people say Caps have emotions that are hidden very well and run deep, if I was getting two months straight of sincere discussion on feelings and how serious we want to be with each other and we were spending a lot of time together, can he really just decide to cut all ties with me?
Was that text about my dog just because he was curious and felt bad that we haven't talked for two days?
do you think he is also bothered by the fact that I want something exclusive with him and he doesn't? Or at least that was the impression I've given him. I have changed my mind now but u want to let him know.
guys I really need some advice...
I know I wanted serious and exclusive relationships when I talked to my Cap last week but I have made up my mind that I am going to try out dating more than one person at a time. This is why I want to tell my Cap.
If he's ignoring me because he's afraid of hurting my feelings I want to tell him I am ok with not having an official relationship and just see where this will take us.
Like I said he texted me yesterday afternoon but has not replied ever since. I do want to talk to him in person this weekend. Should I wait for him to text me? I want to just tell him I want to talk to him in person but will this scare him away?
I know I wanted serious and exclusive relationships when I talked to my Cap last week but I have made up my mind that I am going to try out dating more than one person at a time. This is why I want to tell my Cap.
If he's ignoring me because he's afraid of hurting my feelings I want to tell him I am ok with not having an official relationship and just see where this will take us.
Like I said he texted me yesterday afternoon but has not replied ever since. I do want to talk to him in person this weekend. Should I wait for him to text me? I want to just tell him I want to talk to him in person but will this scare him away?
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