Controlling Cap!

This topic was created in the Capricorn forum by wildvirgo on Monday, August 11, 2014 and has 24 replies.
My usually loving Cap seems to have turned controlling. I like to help other people and try to understand their needs but I am not a doormat nor will I become one. I will not mould myself to someone's image of me because they are too insecure to accept my personality as is. And that is precisely the problem I'm confronted with now. My Cap feels I am too sociable at events (even though I go to lots of 'his' events and make conversation with everyone and he points out how at ease everyone is with me), more sociable than he is, and is unhappy.
I want my solid but dreamy Cap, not a scared shadow of a man who's going to try to make me fit his image of me. He can find a lesser woman if that's what he wants.
My head is telling me to rethink this relationship and I can feel myself pulling away already. We're globally pretty compatible though recently something is wrong. Please help!
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Whats the deal with you needing to work the room? Your focus should be on him.
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These are events where you are supposed to mingle and not just stay with your partner. Generally people tend to warm to me quite quickly too, so it isn't very difficult for me. I consider this a positive thing and my Cap seems threatened by it. So sometimes he says it's good and now he's saying he doesn't approve!? I am very much focussed on him otherwise and it's not as if I 'abandon' him. But maybe that is what he's feeling. Maybe he just needs some more TLC right now and more focus on him? Or it's some other issue which is being expressed indirectly??
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FWIW, even though I am Virgo I have a lot of Cap in me - exactly the same amount of Virgo and Cap energy in my chart.
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Posted by champranger
Posted by wildvirgo
These are events where you are supposed to mingle and not just stay with your partner. Generally people tend to warm to me quite quickly too, so it isn't very difficult for me. I consider this a positive thing and my Cap seems threatened by it. So sometimes he says it's good and now he's saying he doesn't approve!? I am very much focussed on him otherwise and it's not as if I 'abandon' him. But maybe that is what he's feeling. Maybe he just needs some more TLC right now and more focus on him? Or it's some other issue which is being expressed indirectly??


Can you keep him involved in the convo, as you mingle with others?
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Often what happens is that we arrive at the event and as we mingle with others we sort of come together from time to time depending on the groups and how the conversation evolves. When my sociability suits him (as is often the case!), he praises it and says it's wonderful how people gravitate towards me and warm to me quickly. But right now he's basically complaining that I am too sociable... :/
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He probably feels threatened over a specific event. Like you being overly flirtatious with someone else.
You might not feel like that at all but there is no way to know for sure until you ask.
This is coming from somewhere.
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Posted by TigerCap
He probably feels threatened over a specific event. Like you being overly flirtatious with someone else.
You might not feel like that at all but there is no way to know for sure until you ask.
This is coming from somewhere.


Well, I'm pretty direct so I did ask actually. It wasn't easy to get to the point and work out what is actually bothering him. I think it is probably a mix of me having been away recently (professional reasons), him needing reassurance that I am with him without wanting to say that, and him being pretty tired (stressful job). A lot of his friends are getting married etc. too and I get the feeling he is also looking for commitment which he is not going to get right now from me - I think it's too early and am pretty marriage-averse. I've made it pretty clear it is not on the table right now but apart from that we haven't talked too much about it. This is probably the real issue.
He is generally a very good partner though so I guess I just need to give it time. We have spoken about it. Sometimes too much talking doesn't help so I try to avoid that (I know I can be guilty of it!). I'm just going to try to help in practical ways the next few days to make them as easy as possible - cooking fresh, tasty meals, keeping the house in order, running a bath, making a cup of tea... Then he has to go away for work (either I'm away or him! Crazy lives!). Things should go back to normal soon I hope... smile
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Posted by wildvirgo
Posted by TigerCap
He probably feels threatened over a specific event. Like you being overly flirtatious with someone else.
You might not feel like that at all but there is no way to know for sure until you ask.
This is coming from somewhere.


Well, I'm pretty direct so I did ask actually. It wasn't easy to get to the point and work out what is actually bothering him. I think it is probably a mix of me having been away recently (professional reasons), him needing reassurance that I am with him without wanting to say that, and him being pretty tired (stressful job). A lot of his friends are getting married etc. too and I get the feeling he is also looking for commitment which he is not going to get right now from me - I think it's too early and am pretty marriage-averse. I've made it pretty clear it is not on the table right now but apart from that we haven't talked too much about it. This is probably the real issue.
He is generally a very good partner though so I guess I just need to give it time. We have spoken about it. Sometimes too much talking doesn't help so I try to avoid that (I know I can be guilty of it!). I'm just going to try to help in practical ways the next few days to make them as easy as possible - cooking fresh, tasty meals, keeping the house in order, running a bath, making a cup of tea... Then he has to go away for work (either I'm away or him! Crazy lives!). Things should go back to normal soon I hope... smile
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Want my advice? Plan a getaway for the two of you before the end of the month.
Don't wait for your lives to get back to normal again because there is always something new.
That is what was the end of my relationship with a Virgo. Not enough time together.
Well... that and a looming long distance relationship that we both didn't care for. Tongue
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We've only got a week more together, then he goes off. The only time we'll really have is this weekend. I was thinking of planning a hiking day trip. Then it'll be a good month before we see each other again and go on holiday (one week) together. We plan to sleep, have lots of sex, read a couple of books, and eat good food!
The problem is we're both so busy. And there's also the whole 'commitment' thing... I guess he is a bit concerned about that.
Unfortunately it's also going to turn long distance soon due to my professional commitments. I'm definitely going to be away for at least 4-5 months. We should manage to work out weekend flights though and after that I hope to come back for a month or so before I have to go away again.
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Wildvirgo do you feel that maybe, despite your compatibility, you two are just in two different phases in your life?
I ask because it seems like he wants more seriousness out of this than you do. Marriage-wise at least Winking And the whole socializing bit.
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Posted by happykitsune
Wildvirgo do you feel that maybe, despite your compatibility, you two are just in two different phases in your life?
I ask because it seems like he wants more seriousness out of this than you do. Marriage-wise at least Winking And the whole socializing bit.


He actually socialises even more than I do (a lot of these events are things I attend with him with people he knows) but perhaps when meeting new people he's a little more shy than I am. And re: marriage, well we're both still not where we want to be professionally and both have a lot more school to do and might have to move around a fair bit more before we can definitely stay in one place, so I really don't see how it would be a wise decision right now.
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Capricorn usually need a more serious/discreet partner, meaning that they can find a person who is always talking and laughing with others a bit annoying for them. So his reaction seems natural to me, it doesn't necessarily reflects that he is insecure to accept your personality, he may just prefer that you would act in other way.
And there's another Capricorn feature, they see the couple as one, so when you go to parties together that can't change.
I know this because my wife's a Capricorn Winking
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It's most likely insecurity.
Virgos are very natural when in social settings, whereas imo, Caps have to put in much more work. It's insecurity stemming from a number of things. He's probably just seeing this side of you, and not only is it overshadowing him but it probably makes him curious about other things or sides of your personality. Cap males like to have people figured out. Insecurity stems from not knowing, and there are people to meet at certain events maybe he's scared you will meet someone, or maybe scared you'll get in circles he's not able to. idk
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Posted by wildvirgo
These are events where you are supposed to mingle and not just stay with your partner. Generally people tend to warm to me quite quickly too, so it isn't very difficult for me. I consider this a positive thing and my Cap seems threatened by it. So sometimes he says it's good and now he's saying he doesn't approve!? I am very much focussed on him otherwise and it's not as if I 'abandon' him. But maybe that is what he's feeling. Maybe he just needs some more TLC right now and more focus on him? Or it's some other issue which is being expressed indirectly??


He's feeling ignored at these events. He's left along with strangers and no one to talk to, probably doesn't even have anything in common with these people. Why even take him with you if you're going to leave him to his own devices?
Be more considerate of his feelings and introduce him to people. Don't leave him alone for significant amounts of time - it's rude and inconsiderate.
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Posted by LostPisces
Capricorn usually need a more serious/discreet partner, meaning that they can find a person who is always talking and laughing with others a bit annoying for them. So his reaction seems natural to me, it doesn't necessarily reflects that he is insecure to accept your personality, he may just prefer that you would act in other way.
And there's another Capricorn feature, they see the couple as one, so when you go to parties together that can't change.
I know this because my wife's a Capricorn Winking


Agree.
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Posted by truecap
Posted by wildvirgo
These are events where you are supposed to mingle and not just stay with your partner. Generally people tend to warm to me quite quickly too, so it isn't very difficult for me. I consider this a positive thing and my Cap seems threatened by it. So sometimes he says it's good and now he's saying he doesn't approve!? I am very much focussed on him otherwise and it's not as if I 'abandon' him. But maybe that is what he's feeling. Maybe he just needs some more TLC right now and more focus on him? Or it's some other issue which is being expressed indirectly??


He's feeling ignored at these events. He's left along with strangers and no one to talk to, probably doesn't even have anything in common with these people. Why even take him with you if you're going to leave him to his own devices?
Be more considerate of his feelings and introduce him to people. Don't leave him alone for significant amounts of time - it's rude and inconsiderate.

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Agree.
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He's feeling ignored at these events. He's left along with strangers and no one to talk to, probably doesn't even have anything in common with these people. Why even take him with you if you're going to leave him to his own devices?
Be more considerate of his feelings and introduce him to people. Don't leave him alone for significant amounts of time - it's rude and inconsiderate.



He is definitely not being 'dragged along' to any event; if there is anyone who is, it is me! The majority of these events are events we are invited to by people in his social circle. He is quite stubborn and clearly shows a preference for attending events with his friends rather than mine. I think he is more comfortable in an environment where there are at least a couple of people he has known for several years. At these events the vast majority of couples do not stay together hip by hip but mingle and talk to different people, then come together from time to time over the evening (as we do).
And despite him being a Cap, he is quite capable of being sociable, even if I would stay it takes him longer to warm up to people and he is less at ease with making conversation with people he doesn't know.
I feel like essentially he is asking me to become a pale version of myself because he doesn't feel as at ease socially as I do. Not really a particularly mature way of looking at it and quite confusing given that my social ease is precisely one of the things which drew him to me and which he sometimes appreciates, sometimes becomes controlling about.
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To add some more information, at a dinner party we hosted a long long time ago, one of my Cap's very good friends was clearly interested in me even though I did not engage with him more than anyone else... part way through the evening my Cap told me he didn't like how his friend was looking at me, and he said that even if his friend kept a polite distance, he couldn't stand the fact he was clearly attracted to me. To this day the friend in question has never been invited to any other social event where I am present.
This is typical of my Cap.
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Posted by wildvirgo
To add some more information, at a dinner party we hosted a long long time ago, one of my Cap's very good friends was clearly interested in me even though I did not engage with him more than anyone else... part way through the evening my Cap told me he didn't like how his friend was looking at me, and he said that even if his friend kept a polite distance, he couldn't stand the fact he was clearly attracted to me. To this day the friend in question has never been invited to any other social event where I am present.
This is typical of my Cap.


That's typical of any man, especially if you weren't exactly "discouraging" the behavior.
And the friend doesn't deserve to ever be invited to another function if he's willfully making overtures towards his "good friend's" lady.

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Posted by CapTenn
Posted by wildvirgo
To add some more information, at a dinner party we hosted a long long time ago, one of my Cap's very good friends was clearly interested in me even though I did not engage with him more than anyone else... part way through the evening my Cap told me he didn't like how his friend was looking at me, and he said that even if his friend kept a polite distance, he couldn't stand the fact he was clearly attracted to me. To this day the friend in question has never been invited to any other social event where I am present.
This is typical of my Cap.


That's typical of any man, especially if you weren't exactly "discouraging" the behavior.
And the friend doesn't deserve to ever be invited to another function if he's willfully making overtures towards his "good friend's" lady.


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I was quite clear I wasn't interested. My Cap agreed with me on this.
Anyway. Maybe he's just feeling a bit sensitive recently. I have baked one of his favourites for him and am going to prepare him a lovely meal tonight. Hopefully that should help him relax!
I guess I just need to have faith. He clearly does care, and his controlling behaviour must stem from some kind of unease or insecurity.
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I wouldn't call this behaviour controlling.
Now if he were telling you who you could talk to, what to wear, how to style your hair - that's controlling. His discomfort with the situation isn't controlling.
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Posted by LostPisces
Capricorn usually need a more serious/discreet partner, meaning that they can find a person who is always talking and laughing with others a bit annoying for them. So his reaction seems natural to me, it doesn't necessarily reflects that he is insecure to accept your personality, he may just prefer that you would act in other way.
And there's another Capricorn feature, they see the couple as one, so when you go to parties together that can't change.
I know this because my wife's a Capricorn Winking


+1 million
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Upon reflection, I think generally it suited him when 1) it was not purely socialising for socialising's sake but socialising when he could get to know people who would help him professionally and 2) when I stayed nearer to him...
So, I guess he does expect us to stay together a bit more. And he wants his socialising to be 'useful'. Which I get, but don't really need.
I did prepare a really nice meal for him last night and we had a good relax (we'd just had houseguests for several days which was pretty timeconsuming... was good to be on our own). Seems he's quite content. Guess there are times where people just feel uneasy and perhaps he didn't really know how to express that in a way which wasn't 'be less sociable' which I then interpreted as controlling.
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He probably wants to socialize with you. Your easy-goingness in this area helps buffer his social difficulties. Caps aren't blessed with good social skills, so it helps him for you to pave the way.
smile
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