Making myself better
This topic was created in the Leo forum by banini on Friday, February 2, 2007 and has 9 replies.
I originally wrote this thinking I might send it to this libra girl that I've liked forever and I'm annoyed with myself for continuing to talk about it and think about it all the time, and maybe other people are too, but anyway, I started out with this analogy of relationships being like swimming pools, and then I just took off from there, which I thought was interesting and it might be fun to share with you guys. So here it is:
Do you think insecurity could maybe be the best explanation for my behavior?
And not to say that if I wasn't so insecure, then I wouldn't have behaved this way, and then you would like me, I'm really not that stupid. Like, I think if I understand correctly, you don't really like me, but you also don't dislike me, and what you don't like is the way I've behaved, and continue to behave, like I'm never going to learn. Obviously there's some things you do like, like air guitar. Thats probably it. And none of that bothers me or makes me feel insecure at all. I think what I've done is sort of jump into a 12' swimming pool not knowing how to swim, and hoping I would just be able to figure it out. Then it seems really complicated once I get it, and I freak out. Of course swimming is actually really simple, and so is this whole situation, and so slowly I start to realize that and maybe I can stop freaking out as much, and eventually I'll start to feel more secure. But you're the lifeguard, and you don't even want me to be in your pool, so I'm trying to learn how to swim in a pool that I'm not welcome in. Then my insecurities make me feel like you just don't want me there because I don't know how to swim and it's embarrassing and a waste of your time to try and help me figure it out. That bruises my ego which says, how could I (bold italic) possible not be worth anyone's time and I feel completely affronted and hurt. But then again it is your swimming pool, and you should be allowed to say who swims in it and who doesn't without fear of retaliation from me. Still, I like your swimming pool the most. It seems like I like it even more than my own swimming pool. Do I even have one I wonder... but everyone does so I must. Wow so there must be a lot of other swimming pools out there that I might like more. So then I can decide how to spend my time.
Do you think insecurity could maybe be the best explanation for my behavior?
And not to say that if I wasn't so insecure, then I wouldn't have behaved this way, and then you would like me, I'm really not that stupid. Like, I think if I understand correctly, you don't really like me, but you also don't dislike me, and what you don't like is the way I've behaved, and continue to behave, like I'm never going to learn. Obviously there's some things you do like, like air guitar. Thats probably it. And none of that bothers me or makes me feel insecure at all. I think what I've done is sort of jump into a 12' swimming pool not knowing how to swim, and hoping I would just be able to figure it out. Then it seems really complicated once I get it, and I freak out. Of course swimming is actually really simple, and so is this whole situation, and so slowly I start to realize that and maybe I can stop freaking out as much, and eventually I'll start to feel more secure. But you're the lifeguard, and you don't even want me to be in your pool, so I'm trying to learn how to swim in a pool that I'm not welcome in. Then my insecurities make me feel like you just don't want me there because I don't know how to swim and it's embarrassing and a waste of your time to try and help me figure it out. That bruises my ego which says, how could I (bold italic) possible not be worth anyone's time and I feel completely affronted and hurt. But then again it is your swimming pool, and you should be allowed to say who swims in it and who doesn't without fear of retaliation from me. Still, I like your swimming pool the most. It seems like I like it even more than my own swimming pool. Do I even have one I wonder... but everyone does so I must. Wow so there must be a lot of other swimming pools out there that I might like more. So then I can decide how to spend my time.
One, I can improve my own pool so that I like it more than yours. Two, I can spend some time looking at other people's swimming pools to see if I like any of them. Three, I could put effort into convincing you to allow me to swim in your pool. The dilemma is, how? What would be meaningful? What would you like enough that you would think I deserved to be there, and at the same time not make you feel like I was only doing it because I'm insecure and I think it's the only way anyone could let me swim in their pool? Is that even something that you would think? And then I'm all insecure all over again. I could make my pool so nice that perhaps you would hear of it and want to swim in it. And then do I let the past keep me from allowing you to swim in it, since you wouldn't let me swim in yours? Is that an insecure thing to do? Or do I forgive you and let you swim in it because I like you? Or maybe thats being insecure, because I just want your approval and I think maybe I'll get it by letting you swim in my pool. Maybe I'm hoping you'll let me swim in your pool if I let you swim in mine, but I don't know if you will, and everyone sees it, and thinks I'm letting you walk all over me and taking advantage. Or, maybe I really am just doing it because I care about you, but since I'm thinking about why I'm doing it and what other people are thinking, and what you're thinking, I get insecure about what I'm doing, and can't really let myself keep doing it, because I just don't know. Is it something I have to figure out and know in order to feel secure, or do I just say to myself that it's just a really complicated thing to understand for anyone, regardless of how good a swimmer they are, and I should just stop trying to understand it, pick a course of action and just go with it, and fuck what other people think. Which is why I want to do something special for you on valentines day, thats just for you, and you can do whatever you want with it. The problem is, I don't know how to do it without feeling like I might be scaring you by showing up at your door with a present or something, or having something sent to your work.
that was oddly entertaining.
you just kept going on and on...asking questions, answering, i think it's good you wrote it...maybe not to send to her...but you got out some of your emotions, it's almost like a therapy session...with yourself,
you just kept going on and on...asking questions, answering, i think it's good you wrote it...maybe not to send to her...but you got out some of your emotions, it's almost like a therapy session...with yourself,
yeah. don't send it. WAY too long. Part way through I started to wonder if swimming pool was a euphemism for femail genitalia.
Yeah... it could be euphemism... in which case I couldn't have my own pool. I guess I could have a diving board or a slide though!
lol!
i'm just gonna say it again, that is so fucking cute. but i'm not a libra so 
.
.what is cute wheelies? Banini's crush?
Okay, check this out. A while ago I had messaged one of this girl's friends on myspace, asking her if she thought I should get help to try and figure out what was going on with me. It said she forwarded it, and I can only imagine to whom. So today this popped into my head and I couldn't resist sending it to her friend as well:
My therapist says that I got hurt by possibly having unrealistic hopes and expectations, or by mismatching my hopes and expectations not just with (the Libra) but with pretty much everyone. They also said that I shouldn't be so hard on myself for behaving the way I have because it was really just me reacting to being hurt when the reality turned out not to be as good as I had hoped or expected it to be. I don't think that excuses my behavior at all, but I do think it helps explain it. I guess I just couldn't admit to myself that I had been hurt because I didn't expect it, and couldn't believe that it was really happening.
Okay, so the therapist is me, and you guys, but they don't need to know that. The rest of it is true. Hopefully they think it's as funny as I do. She also forwarded this one BTW. Somehow having sent that makes me feel a lot better, and I think I may actually be able to let go of all of it more easily now.
My therapist says that I got hurt by possibly having unrealistic hopes and expectations, or by mismatching my hopes and expectations not just with (the Libra) but with pretty much everyone. They also said that I shouldn't be so hard on myself for behaving the way I have because it was really just me reacting to being hurt when the reality turned out not to be as good as I had hoped or expected it to be. I don't think that excuses my behavior at all, but I do think it helps explain it. I guess I just couldn't admit to myself that I had been hurt because I didn't expect it, and couldn't believe that it was really happening.
Okay, so the therapist is me, and you guys, but they don't need to know that. The rest of it is true. Hopefully they think it's as funny as I do. She also forwarded this one BTW. Somehow having sent that makes me feel a lot better, and I think I may actually be able to let go of all of it more easily now.
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